Grendel's recent activity

  1. Comment on Any Star Citizen players here? in ~games

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Yeah it took me a while to get flying too. A word of advice: Get off of the Cities on the planets. Go to a small space station, the frame rate is much better there. Once you request landing...

    Yeah it took me a while to get flying too.

    A word of advice:
    Get off of the Cities on the planets. Go to a small space station, the frame rate is much better there. Once you request landing somewhere that becomes your new spawn point, and it will play more smoothly when you load in.

    Also it's quicker and easier to get to your ship and get flying from the space stations because they are smaller than the cities.

    My favorite place to go is called GrimHex. It's a criminal outpost located on an asteroid, it's a really cool location! You can even get illegal missions there, like drug running or hit jobs (just be careful not to end up in jail)

    2 votes

  2. Comment on Any Star Citizen players here? in ~games

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Thanks! is there a certain time that your group typically meets? I haven't had the chance yet to do a mission with other people yet.

    Thanks! is there a certain time that your group typically meets? I haven't had the chance yet to do a mission with other people yet.

    1 vote

  3. Any Star Citizen players here?

    ~games Ask (survey)
    I had a vasectomy this week and needed something to do for a few days while I was down. A co-worker recommended star citizen (explaining the caveats). I love it so far, and if anyone here plays...

    I had a vasectomy this week and needed something to do for a few days while I was down. A co-worker recommended star citizen (explaining the caveats). I love it so far, and if anyone here plays I'd love to add you to my friends list.

    My username is Grendel_84

    10 votes

  4. Comment on The inside story of how the lowly PDF played the longest game in tech in ~tech

  5. Comment on Buying a house relatively soon, lay your advice on me! in ~life

    Grendel
    Link
    Be prepared for some disappointment. I bought here in the Midwest just about two months ago. We bid on THIRTEEN houses before we finally got one. That includes bidding like 15-20K over asking and...

    Be prepared for some disappointment. I bought here in the Midwest just about two months ago.

    We bid on THIRTEEN houses before we finally got one. That includes bidding like 15-20K over asking and still not getting it. Timing is going to be tough. We were also selling a house. Our house sold quickly, then we ended up in a hotel because we couldn't buy another house fast enough. It was only 10 days, but with two kids and a dog it was pretty rough.

    Your biggest competition is going to be cash buyers. Everyone selling will take a cash offer, even if it's lower than other non-cash offers. Be prepared to pay closing costs, it's a sellers market and no one will look at your offer unless you do that

    2 votes

  6. Comment on Adoption isn't happily ever after in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    That's very true, and it will have a huge impact on the relationship of parents. I don't have numbers on it, but anecdotally I've seen people get divorced not long after adoption or fostering. I...

    That's very true, and it will have a huge impact on the relationship of parents. I don't have numbers on it, but anecdotally I've seen people get divorced not long after adoption or fostering. I would guess there are probably pretty similar numbers for those who have special needs kids naturally. Not only does it dramatically add stress, it also makes it harder to take time for self care. It's hard to find people who can/will watch kids with special needs. There's less time due to appointments, special therapies, and special schools.

    The increase in stress combined with the inability to relieve that stress can really tear people apart if they aren't very proactive about their relationship

    6 votes

  7. Comment on Adoption isn't happily ever after in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Thanks, everyone here has been very kind and supportive through this whole process. I remember that I made a post or a comment back when my son first had to go to an inpatient psych facility and...

    Thanks, everyone here has been very kind and supportive through this whole process. I remember that I made a post or a comment back when my son first had to go to an inpatient psych facility and people really showed their support. It helped me through that tough time.

    I'm really happy people have been open to hear what it's really like. It can make some people very uncomfortable, but then again the truth usually does.

    Thanks again for the support :)

    6 votes

  8. Comment on Adoption isn't happily ever after in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Bonding is always tough, and the older the child is when they come to you the harder it usually is. Many people don't realize that things like changing diapers and feeding a baby has an impact on...

    Bonding is always tough, and the older the child is when they come to you the harder it usually is. Many people don't realize that things like changing diapers and feeding a baby has an impact on bonding. They feel your touch, they hear your voice. They identify you as the one who provides for their needs and that's how trust is established.

    There is special family counseling to help with bonding. Even people who specialize in Attachment Theory (which is an incredibly complex and fascinating sub-field).

    They have some neat ways of "making up for" some of those baby bonding activities. For example having the kids and parents finger paint each other's faces is a way to get some positive touch bonding. Our boys are 6 and 7 which is pretty far beyond the age that most kids are rocked to sleep however we have been rocking them to sleep almost every night since they came to us two years ago. It helps with bonding and it also helps them developmentally.

    Another aspect of this is that for most kids in care their developmental age is about half that of their physical age. Have a 16 year old? You can expect them to have the emotional capacity and needs of an 8 year old. This is something that the Queens Gambit didn't really show, but it would have made it hard for the plot to progress if they had so I get it. Kids can catch up on their developmental age, but you have to go back and fill those needs for it to happen. So if you have a 16 year old you have to do some of the things that parents would normally do for an 8 year old (at least emotionally).

    9 votes

  9. Comment on Adoption isn't happily ever after in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Yeah that's absolutely true, and I know that people with neurotypical or physically typical kids have a hard time understanding that life looks different for parents of special needs kids,...

    Yeah that's absolutely true, and I know that people with neurotypical or physically typical kids have a hard time understanding that life looks different for parents of special needs kids, regardless of how they came to you. I think I really just want more awareness overall about the reality of kids with needs.

    5 votes

  10. Adoption isn't happily ever after

    ~talk Text 647 words
    This will probably make some people uncomfortable and even angry, but it needs to be said. Adoption isn't happily ever after. The media loves to portray it that way, especially for foster kids....

    This will probably make some people uncomfortable and even angry, but it needs to be said.

    Adoption isn't happily ever after.

    The media loves to portray it that way, especially for foster kids. Everyone loves the fairly tale story about the poor abused kids that get rescued by the selfless hero foster parents who then adopt them and everything is all good after that. I mean, the kids now have loving parents and a stable home. That's all they need right?

    People love a happy ending. But fairy tales aren’t real and life isn’t that simple. Adoption is messy, and I don't mean the legal process, I mean the actual adoption itself. Adoptive parents aren't selfless heroes, they are regular flawed people just like everyone else, they just happened to choose to adopt.

    These kids have been through bad things that are beyond the imagination of most people who don't have experience with the kids themselves. I hear it all the time. People say "They just need a good loving home". Loving and stable homes are great, but they don't make those bad things go away. Even if the adoptive parents were perfect (which they definitely aren't) these kids will be dealing with their trauma for the rest of their lives.

    And for these kids trauma isn't simple like so many people assume it is. It isn't just bad dreams and sadness. It's rage. It’s frequent meltdowns over the smallest things. Sometimes it’s hurting pets, or even other kids. Sometimes it's trying to burn the house down. Other times it’s stealing from kids at school. Sometimes it’s grade schoolers finding ways to look at porn. Sometimes it’s trying to molest other kids. This doesn’t describe all kids from foster care. It’s not meant to scare you. It’s meant to show you that there’s more than what you see on the outside.

    For these kids meltdowns have a completely different meaning than for most other kids. A meltdown isn't crying and getting angry for 10 or 15 minutes. It can be hours. Hours of true screaming. Hours of punching doors and walls. Or punching us. Or hurting themselves. Total non-compliance. It's a total inability for them to calm down at all. Sometimes we have to physically restrain them for safety reasons. Usually, they have to physically exhaust themselves before they finally begin to come down.

    And it's not their fault.

    And we parents aren't perfect either. Sometimes we scream back at them. Sometimes we escalate the meltdown even more. Sometimes we restrain when it's not necessary. Sometimes we just layer on consequence after consequence, not because it's helping, but because we are mad and caught in a power struggle.

    We take them to doctor appointments. We adjust meds. We get to counseling every week. We literally pull them out of public school because they can't function there. We are usually exhausted. We are often hopeless. We fear they will never have a normal childhood. We fear that they won't have a good life as adults.

    We can never replace their birth parents. They will always miss them, no matter how bad the abuse was. They will mourn what could have been. They will mourn what should have been.

    They point that hurt and anger at their adoptive parents. They say they hate us. They say they will kill us.

    We aren't a fairy tale family. We aren't some success story about the power of love.

    We were the safest option in a bad situation.

    We will always love them as our kids. We will always strive to be there for them, to support them, to give them what they need to have whatever healing is possible.

    For them though this will never be as good as having birth parents that were safe and loving in the first place. This will never compare with what should have been.

    34 votes

  11. Comment on Homeownership can bring out the worst in you in ~life

    Grendel
    Link
    I know this is mild by comparison and totally anecdotal, but I recently saw this in action in my neighborhood. There is a Facebook group for my neighborhood (I honestly don't know why I bothered...

    I know this is mild by comparison and totally anecdotal, but I recently saw this in action in my neighborhood. There is a Facebook group for my neighborhood (I honestly don't know why I bothered to join it). One of my neighbors one street over made a post asking for advice.

    You see there is a halfway house on that street. This homeowner lives on the corner of the street and the women of that halfway house tend to cut diagonally across the homeowners lawn instead of taking the sidewalk. This homeowner was very upset about this. And it was very obvious to me that some of it had to do with the social status of the women of that halfway house. I don't live on the corner but I know that a few people cutting through my yard would really bother me. They're not up by the house and not disturbing anything.

    And honestly it would bother me less so knowing that they are residents of a halfway house. They are on the road to recovery and honestly in a city like mine it really sucks not having a car. If they can save a few steps and some energy cutting through my yard then go right ahead.

    6 votes

  12. Comment on AI has the worst superpower… medical racism in ~tech

    Grendel
    Link
    Computer Science is a pretty new field of study. New fields of study tend to do some pretty unethical things before they start to figure crap out, and this is no exception. Machine Learning should...

    Computer Science is a pretty new field of study. New fields of study tend to do some pretty unethical things before they start to figure crap out, and this is no exception. Machine Learning should not be used for any task that could significantly impact a human life. Not for prison sentences, not for medical diagnosis. Having a human review the results first isn't enough. Machine learning is very poorly understood and we shouldn't let something that we can't explain be making these kinds of decisions.

    It honestly reminds me of some of the stories about the early study of radioactive material. In the 20s and 30s they actually put radioactive material in toothpaste because they thought it would clean your teeth better. There were few if any safety protocols around it and it caused pain and suffering (and death) before we realized what was really going on and put in safety measures.

    We need to better understand this stuff before using it in a practical manner. Failing to do so is unethical and I believe that Computer Scientists should take a stand against this. Stand against your company using Machine Learning this way. If enough of us do it might just get their attention.

    4 votes

  13. Comment on DHL sent all the PinePhones to New Zealand 🤦 in ~tech

    Grendel
    Link
    I know this sucks for them and I do feel bad. But at the same time it is kind of funny in that NZ seems like such a random place for them all to end up

    I know this sucks for them and I do feel bad.

    But at the same time it is kind of funny in that NZ seems like such a random place for them all to end up

    11 votes

  14. Comment on How has the pandemic changed you? in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link
    The bad: So I read somewhere that the pandemic was an accelerant. If a particular relationship was going well it tended to bring people closer. If it wasn't going well, or had many issues under...

    The bad:

    So I read somewhere that the pandemic was an accelerant. If a particular relationship was going well it tended to bring people closer. If it wasn't going well, or had many issues under the surface all of that came to the top and made things harder (I've heard about lot's of divorce as a result).

    This describes my experiance pretty well. Our boys (adopted through foster care for context) weren't doing great before the pandemic. Suddenly having them home 24/7 and neither us nor them having any kind of reprieve from each other was not good. It actually pushed things so far as my older son requiring inpatient care at a child psych facility.

    It was also very hard on my marriage. The were underlying issues that had previously been serious but easy to ignore that now showed up as cracks under this additional pressure. Not only were we dealing with the pandemic as a couple, we were also dealing with our special needs kids spiraling out of control. This caused us individualy to spiral out of control, which caused our marriage to spiral out of control like a stack of dominoes.

    The Good:

    All this to say that it forced us to either bail on everything or work to make it better. It hasn't been easy, but we are in a much better place now. Not because of a reduction in stress (hint: I live in a county that's surge has made national news), but because we've actually addressed the real issues successfully.

    The best thing that happened for our marriage was not marriage counseling (tried that before with little success), but rather individual counseling for both of us. I also had a sort of Watershed moment about a month ago. There had been some serious issues in my marriage (issues specifically on my part) that I had been in major denial about. I "saw the light" so to speak and realized I had put up major walls between my wife and I years ago. I had totally lost empathy for her. She could be in tears and I would feel nothing. Realizing this has enabled me to identify the source of these wall and work to resolve them.

    All of this has resulted in my marriage being in a better place than it ever has been before. Our kids are still really struggling, but at least we are doing a better job as parents as a result of our marriage improving and us working better as a team.

    I have great hope for the first time in a long time for my family, and honestly for our family going through the hardship of the pandemic was worth it for the result in the end.

    16 votes

  15. Comment on Thoughts on SSRIs? in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Oh man I hear you there. I'm bipolar II. Before I was diagnosed I was put on Straterra for adhd treatment. It caused a full psychotic break. In the middle of my shift I started having horrible...

    Oh man I hear you there. I'm bipolar II. Before I was diagnosed I was put on Straterra for adhd treatment. It caused a full psychotic break. In the middle of my shift I started having horrible voices in my head telling me terrifying things. I believed I was powerless to resist what they were telling me to do, like they could control my body. Thankfully I got through my shift and passed out at home (I worked 4 to midnight) and I was better the next morning.

    You'd think me telling my doctors about this would have clued them in to my bipolar (it should have) but it took about 7 years of going through various doctors and treatments before I was properly diagnosed with bipolar last year. Thankfully I'm starting to stabilize on my meds and counseling is helping tremendously.

    3 votes

  16. Comment on Primality test using regex in ~comp

    Grendel
    Link
    Comp Sci never ceases to amaze me. It is so interesting that there is a trend of doing things in unexpected/strange ways, even if inefficient, just to show it can be done that way. I would have...

    Comp Sci never ceases to amaze me. It is so interesting that there is a trend of doing things in unexpected/strange ways, even if inefficient, just to show it can be done that way. I would have never imagined that RegEx could test for primality, and especially not with so short a pattern!

    4 votes

  17. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2021) in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Thank you! Just seeing all these comments helps me to feel better. The sense of community and kindness here on Tildes is truly amazing! Thank you for being kind.

    Thank you! Just seeing all these comments helps me to feel better. The sense of community and kindness here on Tildes is truly amazing!

    Thank you for being kind.

    6 votes

  18. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2021) in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I've definitely calmed down from when I posted this. Things are okay and I didn't destroy my entire life (Sometimes my anxiety makes me blow things...

    Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I've definitely calmed down from when I posted this. Things are okay and I didn't destroy my entire life (Sometimes my anxiety makes me blow things out of proportion).

    You're right that it's really easy to just sit back and melt into self-loathing and punish yourself, but I'm going to fight against that tendency. The least I can do is work to get back to normal now instead of waiting for 6 months just to realize I've lost all that time.

    Thanks again for your comment.

    6 votes

  19. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2021) in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link Parent
    Sorry I'm so late to replay, it's been a hectic few days. Thanks so much for the encouragement, I helps to know that someone else understands what it feels like to have those impulses. I just...

    Sorry I'm so late to replay, it's been a hectic few days. Thanks so much for the encouragement, I helps to know that someone else understands what it feels like to have those impulses. I just started mediation recently (HeadSpace app) but I'm having trouble getting myself to do it everyday.

    Things are good with my wife. She is an incredible kind, patient, and understanding person and I'm super blessed to have her in my life.

    I'm definitely going to keep fighting myself to get comfortable in normalcy.

    Thanks!

    6 votes

  20. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2021) in ~talk

    Grendel
    Link
    I'm not doing well. After months of turmoil and stress my life was getting better. We finally got into our new house, my kids have shown improvement with their mental health issues, My wife and I...

    I'm not doing well.

    After months of turmoil and stress my life was getting better. We finally got into our new house, my kids have shown improvement with their mental health issues, My wife and I are in a better place, I got a huge promotion at work and I'm even starting to stabilize on my bipolar meds.

    The problem is that stability and life being good in general is unfamiliar to me. It feels uncomfortable, and I've been struggling with thoughts of self sabotage. Things like quitting medication, heavy drinking, self injury, doing things that would hurt my marriage have all been on my mind.

    This week I screwed up. I did something that impacted my relationship with my wife an a large way, and made it even worse just this morning. I feel miserable. And these negatives feelings are just driving me towards even more high risk behavior. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I'm scared of myself and scared for those around me.

    I don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard for.

    14 votes