What do you struggle with, how are you doing, and (how) do you try to get better?
I'm writing this post in the spirit of the powerful conversations that I had participated in on reddit in /r/adhd. I'm giving up reddit, after this recent fiasco. And, so, I hope to find a similar community here.
And, so, here we go.
I recently quit my job in Big Tech after 7 years in that space. Corporate America, and Big Tech in particular (among other fields) is a human meat grinder. Humans go in and husks come out. After taking a medical leave of absence from work due to complications from anxiety, and multiple medical interventions, I realized that I needed to evaluate whether my job, even my career, was sustainable for me. It only took a few weeks, after returning to work, to accept that, yes, this job and perhaps this career are actively harming me. After talking about it with my wife, at length, I found relief in quitting.
At the core of it: my career has simply been incongruent with my values.
Sure, I've always been a nerd. I was the "brainy" kid. I didn't know how to people well (though I'm told that I'm not on the spectrum or not in any meaningful way). I'd always been overweight and prone to stress. Throughout my life, I was often labeled as the "sensitive" one by people. I rarely felt as though I fit in with any group of people, save perhaps for the other misfits who would band together because they didn't with in with any group of people.
Just before the pandemic began, at the tender age of 47, I was diagnosed with ADHD Combined type. More recently, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, that I have likely suffered for 40 of my 50 years.
Now I know where that weight comes from: self-medication to give me a dopamine hit and numb me to layers of trauma. I also know where the emotional reactivity comes from: emotional flashbacks resulting from the C-PTSD.
- Lexapro for well over a decade. It helped to blunt the lows but, I've found, also the highs. I rarely feel poignancy with Lexapro. When I have occasionally been able to ween from it, I have felt a far greater range of emotions.
- I've had an excellent therapist for going on 8 years who practices ISTDP. He's helped me learn to show up for my more challenging emotions instead of instantly reaching to numb them.
- Adderall and Vyvanse both used to help until I received a stellate ganglion block (Disclaimer: I have been a client of Dr Mulvaney's practice though I link to it as his explanation is excellent; I'd make this a footnote alas tildes doesn't support that extension for markdown)
- Ketamine (prescribed) to better address the depression and anxiety. Ketamine, as a psychedelic, combined with the skills learned in therapy has let me dig deeper into my layers of trauma, leading to better overall mental health and better self-understanding.
- Stellate Ganglion Block mentioned above. Short version: it reduced my seemingly PTSD-driven emotional reactivity to about 10% of what it was prior to the SGB. It's like getting a new nervous system. Unexpected side effect: medications that act on my nervous system now respond differently. As a result, stimulants are now extremely uncomfortable for me whereas before they were effective. Before the SGB, I would say that fear was my primary emotion. Now, I feel things.
I know: I'm privileged. I'm an "old white dude who profited from being in Tech". Yep. True. But I can't retire yet; we don't have that kind of money. We do, however, have enough such that I have the luxury of time to figure out my next steps.
What I have right now is the plan to make a plan. The core of it: live a life congruent with my values--not just at some far off retirement but here, now.
At first, step 1 was to answer this question: "What is the minimum amount of money that I need to earn for us to not massively disrupt our lives?" But then I realized that this is a fear-based question. It means starting out by saying "no" to everything that doesn't earn "enough" money for some arbitrary value of enough.
Where I'm at now, Step 1 Mark II, poses a more inspiring question: "What does retirement look like for my wife and I?" I don't know that we truly get to retire in the sense of living a life of leisure as seemingly many Boomers and earlier were privileged to do. Besides, part of my sense of accomplishment and peace is knowing that I did something to make the world better.
So what do you struggle with?
How are you doing?
What are you doing about it?
Be well.
P.S. This is me trying to do my part, as a new member of this community, to encourage growth not in membership but into different areas of discussion.
Thanks for sharing and so happy to hear you are finding answers that work for you. I have loved ones who have also been challenging mental health journeys and I'm always so impressed with their resilience to find what's best for them.
I realize in my 40s now that I got incredibly lucky as my brain chemistry seems pretty easy on me. The thing I do struggle with is stopping thinking about work. It's by far most problematic at night. It's not depression or anxiety really, it's just the inability to stop trying to solve every potential problem that comes to mind. For me I've found success with melatonin and listening to audio books at night (mostly books on science and stoicism). Some nights aren't great, but the worst night now is much better than the worst night a year ago.
Best of luck finding the answers and peace you are looking for!
Have you tried mindfulness meditation? It's a misconception that the mind goes "empty"—or at least any time in the first few years. At first, you learn to hear the chattering monkey of the mind but not to pay too much attention, then you learn to observe it, and then it tends to get quieter.
My practice isn't what it once was but my monkey is also less busy after so many other interventions.
I’m reeling from my recent inattentive adhd diagnosis as an adult. It is overwhelming, exciting, gives me hope, but also it really stings to think about missed opportunity. Then just two months after starting my mental health journey to figure out what it means and how to grow and change for the better, I lost my insurance. So that disrupted my therapy which sucks ass. I was able to of out if pocket for medication and honestly that has been a world changer.
I’m still looking to get connected with a new therapist and happy to continue with my psychologist. But I don’t think I have had much growth in the three months since being diagnosed, Adderall just sort of “stopped the bleeding” and cured my adhd paralysis and anxiety depression. But I’m still a bit of a mess and have a lot of work to do and on self talk and self care and self esteem and just basically myself lol.
I'm sorry about your loss of insurance. If you're American, like me, that is awful.
My now-wife told me years ago, before I was diagnosed, that you have to learn to love yourself.
I admit: I'm still working on that. But I think this /u/elight guy isn't too bad, at least. I can say that but only after 8 years of work and prefer by 32 years prior of learning to hate myself (to be clear: life was pretty good until about age 10).
I enjoyed reading your post, OP. I found myself resonating with this:
I'm in my late 30's and I'm facing the same hard question. I was one of those classic gifted neurodiverse young people, but I've found myself reevaluating whether the work I've made a career out of doing - tutoring STEM, CS, and test prep to secondary and college students - is actually helping. Often I feel that my actions are just exacerbating the income and opportunity inequalities that are tearing the world apart. Few of my students are passionate about what I teach, and I often think about how much I could do to help the people who genuinely want to learn but who can't afford my hourly rate. Tutors exist largely outside the academic mainstream.
Like you, I've cut my hours back a lot, but my savings are finite, so I can only do so much. Because of a predatory noncompete that I signed a decade ago with my current employer and a host of other issues (physical disability, being on the spectrum), I've been struggling to define what the good life looks like for me today. I tend to be inflexible about my values, but then, sometimes compromise is more adaptive for achieving the kind of future that would let me put those values into practice.
Your circumstances are different, but I feel - please correct me if I am wrong - that you might also be emerging into a new chapter of your life where the crucial difference between now and then is that something inside you has changed, and you have to reevaluate how you stand in relation to the world. You sound like you've made a lot of progress. It's exciting to imagine where things might go. Do you have any more thoughts on what "making the world better" looks like in practice in your life?
Most considered and considerate.
As Tennyson wrote, "though much is taken, much abides. And though we are not the strength we were in old days, that which we are we are. One equal temper of heroic hearts made weak by time and fate but strong in will to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." That has been a mantra for me, throughout my life—though I make little claim to be strong in will.
I was, decades ago, a volunteer EMT. Those were some of the best times in my life. It was when I first started to like myself, even a little.
One of my superpowers is, in one on one conversation, to be a compassionate listener and guide. I was a manager in Tech before throwing in the towel. I despised aspects of the job that required me to cast people down and out. But I thrived, for about half of my people, when it came to coaching them to self-actual use in their work.
Like you, I am loathe to apply this ability to further bolster privilege. Like you, I hope to find an outlet where I can apply these same abilities to help those in more need.
I do, however, also have to put food on the table.
I'm considering going into ADHD coaching. I've spent my time since learning of my ADHD to learn how to cope with it—and to recognize how I already had been for so long. I may be able to combine this with my coaching talents to help others.
Longer term, maybe by "retirement", I'd love to be a behavioral therapist. But there would be years of schooling and work between then and now to pay the bills and to achieve that outcome.
Both of these are perhaps the largest blips on my radar. I still have to do the work to explore the range of possibilities.
My greatest hope is to find enough inspiration that I can commit to a path despite the fears that will naturally arise. The inner battle is the greatest challenge. If I can win there, most any outer conditions will not matter.
I am also a slave to the big tech grinder, but its about to spit me out no matter how hard I fight. I'm going to take that opportunity to not put myself through that any further and work on reducing my expenses to the point of self sufficiency.
Good on you!
It was trying to spit me out too. I just happened to decide that I'd help them accelerate the process! We both realized, for different reasons, that we're a poor match.
For them, I wouldn't toe the line they would have me tips.
For me, they:
Either you conform or they will spit you out. There is no shame in not wanting to become assimilated into their Borg collective. I would argue instead that there is honor in refusing to drink their Kool-Aid.
I self-initiated medical leave, and my manager retaliated by changing my rating from on track to promotion to remedial. Made up rules and goalposts to justify it, lied about his private interactions with me, and threatened me. HR assured me he "was spoken to" about it. That was about as helpful as you'd expect.
edit: Poor choice of words. Mental health is real health.
I assume that you meant for "physical health reasons". Respectfully, taking medical leave for severe anxiety is an actual medical reason.
Oh, yes, of course. I misinterpreted "gaslit into taking medical leave". What I should have said was "self-initiated medical leave". Mental health is real health, and I hope you and everyone with anxiety can find the support you deserve. I did actually take medical leave for anxiety, too, but many years ago with without issue because my manager was appropriately supportive. Edited the original.
"Vote" isn't adequate so I'll reply with ❤️ here.
This seems to be a common pattern. I took medical leave, in part, to try to address behaviors that weren't serving me in my then-job. I addressed them. However my boss didn't agree, on my return.
While I believe he was partially honest, they're clearly motivated to let go of newer and more expensive staff. I'd been there only just about a year whereas my peers were in the 5+ range.
My boss seemed to do his best to cherry pick my flaws with no recognition given to my more important successes. Compliance and conformity seemed to matter more than innovation and creative thinking. Clearly, a poor fit for someone with ADHD unless I wanted to live in constant fear of how I was failing to conform/mask adequately.
I wonder if this resonates with your experience? What has been different for you?
I've taken medical leave a few times and the biggest difference is "one time I had a different boss who wasn't a massive douchsecanoe" and it made all the difference. It was also before covid, and I think the combination of corporate changes and stress have lead to an increase of douschy managers and a diaspora of good managers.
Diaspora indeed. I like to believe I was one of the good ones. Now, I hope to either have a wholly different career or the same career where the work is truly prosocial. May even be the public sector with the attendant paycut. Meaning matters.
I got spit out for the third time last year. I get a tech job, do great for a few years, then when i have a health or family problem it rapidly overwhelms me because working leaves me 95% drained, i run out of the pitiful two weeks leave, and i get fired. I have narcolepsy, so I'm supposed to be protected under the ADA, I've even sued and won once; been granted unemployment each time, but it is desperately disheartening.
This time, my wife & i moved in with family & slashed expenses. I can't tolerate the corporate grind, so I'm grey-rocking it. I just can't be financially successful in these circumstances.
*So what do you struggle with?
Ever-infesting costs for a family of 5 with very limited means to increase income. I've done as much austerity measures as I feel comfortable doing. At some point I have to say "that's enough" because I still want to provide a childhood for my kids that's similar enough to my own. I'll never be able to provide exactly what I had, since my parents (read: dad) made good money. However, though I'm not succeeding on the financial side, I am much more emotionally and physically available than my dad ever was, or is. And that's worth a lot more.
*How are you doing?
Honestly alright. I've been making moves to increase my earning potential, but I'm still a ways out. See the next point.
I also have been trying to keep physically active, and involve my kids with this - we cycle, go to the pool, take walks, visit parks, etc. I love that it helps us bond.
*What are you doing about it?
I'm currently attending school to earn my bachelor's and a teaching license. It isn't the most glamorous and well - paid job, but it's way better than what I'm getting paid now in private daycare. I'd also improve my benefits significantly, and likely get more time with my kids. I also wouldn't want to do many other jobs. I want my work to feel fulfilling, I love teaching, and it's something I'm good at.
Hopefully everything works out for me! Thank you all.
Good for you! I wanted to be a cultural anthropologist but my parents would've pulled me out of college if I had tried to change majors to one that wasn't immediately employable upon graduation. That would have been a different life but I may have been far happier.
Not having enough money is hard. Not having enough love and fun is hard. Different problems that operate along different continuums of privilege. Both are hard to surmount and require different effort.
So what do you struggle with?
Doctor/Medical anxiety... I let myself get really behind after the pandemic hit and never got back on track, even for stuff I really should have followed up on (like cancer screening). I have needle related phobias and some childhood medical trauma that continues to haunt me.
I had a surgery earlier this year and the anxiety was worse than ever during the pre-op (they took my heart monitor off when it hit 170) and I was/am still super embarrassed about it.
How are you doing?
Some progress / mostly set backs.
The good news is I bit the bullet and scheduled all my doctor's appointments I was far behind on through the rest of the year (other than one, which I'm working on).
The bad news is that I have another surgery scheduled for the fall and I'm not worried about the procedure as much as my reaction. This thinking has bled over into apprehension over all the appointments I already made to "catch up" and that I'd save myself a lot of problems if I just cancel (I understand this is a bad train of thoughts).
What are you doing about it?
Mantra: Do not cancel anything. Keep all appointments. Not sure how to handle the mental side other than try not to talk about it. It's hard to make an appointment to talk to a doctor about... doctor anxiety. Like a snake eating it's tail. I'm open to any advice.
I would talk to a dr about your anxiety, especially if it’s having this big of an impact on your life. In my experience, while you may only consciously associate your anxiety with medical things, I would bet it affects other parts of your life as well. It is completely normal to develop anxiety when you’re dealing with medical issues.
Coping techniques that have helped me: bringing along a friend or family member for moral support to doctor appts you’re nervous about, prepare for doctor Dr appts by writing down questions beforehand and take notes during so you don’t have to rely on your memory. Personally, I have a notebook I bring to all dr appts to take notes in. It also contains a list of all my meds on a loose piece of paper so I can hand that over to nurses/MAs instead of having to go thru them from memory. Just having those things makes me feel more prepared and on top of things and can help lessen my anxiety.
Talking with someone about the appt beforehand can also be very beneficial. Discuss what you want to get out of the appt, prepare the things you’re going to say, and hopefully have a general idea of what the dr is going to suggest so you’re not caught off guard by anything.
If you have someone available to drive you, you could try taking a Benadryl before getting your blood drawn. It’s often prescribed off label for anxiety.
First of all, I’m so happy you’re doing well and things are looking up.
I was also diagnosed with ADHD late(r) in life (2 years ago at 31), and that's been a struggle. While I've been able to be moderately successful due to coping mechanisms I learned before my diagnosis, Ritalin has been a help. I've also been on Lexapro for 2 years, and that's been helpful with preventing me from getting into those really dark places.
My biggest struggle though, that I’m actively working on in therapy, is self compassion. Probably because of the undiagnosed ADHD and some other things, as well as parental influence, I’ve always been extremely hard on myself about everything. It’s worked to an extent, but it’s also contributing to my low self esteem and not really being able to enjoy anything. And, of course, depression. I don’t like myself, and I take that out on myself, and make my life more difficult for myself. But, I’m getting better. There’s still a long road ahead, but things are looking up.
Thank you for your post!
I relate! I despised myself for much of my life. My family of origin was very tough on me; I was made to believe that I was frequently a disappointment. By age 10, for many reasons, I'd throughly internalized this. Experiences then layered on top of that until I had C-PTSD.
What you're describing could possibly be PTSD. Have you ever taken the PCL-5 test before?
Self-compassion has been a huge area of growth for me. Mindfulness meditation, ketamine, and the stellate ganglion block all helped.
I'm sorry all that happened to you, but I'm glad you're in a better place and getting better!
Thanks for sending that. I don't think I have PTSD, but you posting that made something click for me. I was adopted at birth. As far as adoptions go, mine went well. My parents (the ones who raised me, as opposed to my birth-parents) always told me they loved me, and never treated me in any way other than how they would treat a flesh-and-blood child. But, even in the best of situations, being adopted is something that never goes away, it's something that sticks with you and affects the way you see the world and your place in it. As an example, for me, I struggled with feeling worthy of the privileges provided to me by being adopted by my parents.
But, your comment made me think, maybe there's a link to my adoption and C-PTSD. I'll have to do more research, but thank you for giving me something else to look into!
Thanks for posting this - it's refreshing to read your story and it resonates strongly with me. I also spent years - 20 years! - on an SNRI that blunted so much of the feelings in my life. It took a pandemic shortage of medication to get me to jump off the medication. For the first time in forever, I am both feeling the highs, and unfortunately the lows. The lows are kicking my butt at the moment.
*So what do you struggle with?
Depression/anxiety. Two sides of the same coin. Some days are better, some are worse. It's also hit me hard as a man in my early 40's. I am not sure if I should call this a mid-life crisis or a mid-career re-evaluation, but everything just feels just so raw. I also take solace that what I do every day benefits people (patients) but there are days where I am not sure which way is up or down.
*How are you doing?
Ask me again next week? I'm in the beginning of my second round of transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), which is honestly a miracle therapy. I know I am one of the lucky ones that respond to TMS, but it doesn't feel like luck to have to go through this again.
*What are you doing about it?
Exercise. Therapy. Treatment. A lot of introspection. Waiting for inspiration to tell me which way to go. Trying to keep the lights on at work and mentoring the fantastic young folks who have entrusted their future to me. Trying to make sure that I remain a good Dad and partner. I know things will get better, and am looking forward to where I'll be a few weeks from now.
Keep us posted?
A good friend of mine is starting TMS soon. Sounds possibly more effective than ketamine! Personally, it makes me nervous—but so did the idea of psychedelics so who am I to say!
Will follow up for sure. I hope TMS works for your friend.
I received right side continuous TMS, which is not the standard treatment. Left side is the most common. My clinic has found right side continuous to be better for depression patients with PTSD or anxiety complications. I didn’t even know it was an option, and definitely have benefited from.
I struggle with desperately wanting to snack. Crackers, hot cheetos, whiskey, etc. I just wanna snack. All the time.
Nine-ish months ago I decided to fuck off and try to be healthy. I cut waaaaaaaay back on that and got into a good rhythm of going to the gym regularly.
Since then, I've lost 50 pounds. I'm feeling great. My looks are...fine (self-esteem has never been my strong suit) but when my father-in-law looked at me and remarked about how much weight I'd lost, I knew I was doing something right.
I struggle with ADD; I was diagnosed when I was 16 and I'm now 30. When my home is a mess, everything else in my life becomes a mess. I HAVE to have things organized and clean otherwise I just spiral with my ADD.
My therapist last year really got me together. I use my Google calender religiously, I clean and tidy up around the house throughout my work day as I work remotely, and having a partner that understands and actively splits up household duties so I'm sane.
Doesn't help that COVID has given me brain fog and makes this harder.
Sounds like my wife—except I'm not great with chores.
Our house is such a mess now. Ugh. I have to help her make it better for her.