I think the most important thing is something you're already doing: You're looking at all your colleagues and trying to see what you can do so that everyone has the best possible experience at...
I think the most important thing is something you're already doing: You're looking at all your colleagues and trying to see what you can do so that everyone has the best possible experience at work.
If you keep doing that, you're already contributing a lot.
I agree that you shouldn't go around asking and making a big deal of things. I have one-to-ones with all the folks that report to me. I never ask about diagnoses or dig into personal life. I ask if there's something we can do at work to make their life easier or to make them have a better time at work.
That gives room for volunteering. If someone gets into their own or family health (always of their own accord) I always say that I don't need a diagnosis, but whatever information they're willing to share about how the situation impacts them and what sorts of things we could do to alleviate things is helpful.
I don't feel comfortable getting into specifics or generalizing on neurodiversity and steps, because everyone is different. In my experience, that's especially the case on this topic.
Kudos on being supportive and reaching out! As we often say in the community, "if you meet one Autistic person, you've met one Autistic person": although there are commonalities, each individual's...
Exemplary
Kudos on being supportive and reaching out!
As we often say in the community, "if you meet one Autistic person, you've met one Autistic person": although there are commonalities, each individual's experience is different and what helps with someone can be detrimental to another. Autism itself is a spectrum and it often comes with other conditions (ADHD, trauma, eating disorders, EDS, anxiety disorders...) that can also cause dysregulation.
For general information, I highly recommend Dr Neff's free resources:
their Divergent Conversations podcast: start with reruns of the best episodes. Episodes 97, 96 and 51 should be relevant to your question.
To ask "how can I help" without prying, you can read on personal readme documents, publish your own and suggest your teammates do so if they are comfortable with it. They might struggle with writing one because society "teaches" us to ignore our triggers and power through, so it can be a living document that is regularly updated. If you asked me what dysregulates me, the first things to come to my mind are:
surprises / unpredictability: last-minute meeting requests or cancellations, frequent interruptions: I am fine with plans changing, but appreciate clear and timely notices
rejection sensitive dysphoria (typically an ADHD thing, but half of Autistic folks fit the criteria for ADHD diagnosis): give unambiguous feedback, reply clearly and quickly (even if it's just an "acknowledged, looks OK, I'll reply later"), shield me from conflictual topics and the office asshole(s)
boring and under-stimulating work: that's why I work best when I have two projects (a boring one and a stimulating one) I can switch between based on energy levels
Lastly, I commend your efforts on using neuroinclusive language, but I'd like to suggest two improvements to your language:
teams / groups are neurodiverse, individuals are neurodivergent. Saying that a Black woman is "diverse" would be seen as tokenization
"ASD spectrum" is redundant because ASD means Autism Spectrum Disorder. Many Autistic folks advocate for moving away from ASD and use Autism Spectrum instead because Autism is not a disorder but part of human diversity. It becomes a disorder when it's not accommodated for (read about the social model of disability for more info)
the neuroinclusive language is still in flux, so it's better to mirror your colleague's language if theirs differ from mine
RSD sucks. One of the worst things my managers have done to me is "We need to talk." Yes? Yes? About what? What did I do wrong? I have to wait to find out what I did wrong so you can yell at me....
RSD
RSD sucks. One of the worst things my managers have done to me is "We need to talk." Yes? Yes? About what? What did I do wrong? I have to wait to find out what I did wrong so you can yell at me. And usually it turns out to be nothing wrong. But when it does, it sucks. And the anticipation sucks.
And I struggle not to take things personally everywhere online when people reply to me.
Is there something I can (try to remember to do) to make interactions with you even better? Are there subtle or obvious things about how we interact that has previously stood out or bothered you a...
Is there something I can (try to remember to do) to make interactions with you even better? Are there subtle or obvious things about how we interact that has previously stood out or bothered you a little? I can't be everywhere online (heh) but I can at least be one of the less bad :)
My form of RSD online comes from feeling poorly when people haven't seen or acknowledged what I said, or deem it so poorly said it's not worth replying to or interacting with. Which I know is an unfounded assumption. So then it becomes a sort of compulsion for me to reply to everyone so they don't feel unheard. Which I also know makes an assumption about them.
Another RSD thing is that I always reply to Teams messages, at least an emoji. Which I realise could appear unprofessional and childish to some. (The agony!)
I'm slowly getting better these days. One Tildes vote is more than enough, and zero is totally okay as well; if I get marked for noise (hasn't happened in recent memory!) it isn't targetted necessarily, it is to maintain a good, info dense conversation and it's okay for me to reflect upon being respectful of that as well. Two ticks for read and no response at work is okay: they might be the sort of person who just does that. Etc.
Nope! On the contrary, you are one (of many, or at least quite a few) on Tildes that I'm always glad to interact with - seeing your name (among some others) in the unread causes a little spike of...
re there subtle or obvious things about how we interact that has previously stood out or bothered you a little?
Nope! On the contrary, you are one (of many, or at least quite a few) on Tildes that I'm always glad to interact with - seeing your name (among some others) in the unread causes a little spike of joy. :)
You are specifically one of the few that makes me realize how while I am empathetic, I am not always very thoughtful and considerate. I'm really good about chiming in and being empathetic - and how I often express that is by talking about myself (with the intent of being like "See, I understand because this is how tha timpacts me, for example").
My form of RSD
Hah, so basically, sometimes I'll see a thoughtful reply and want to be properly thoughtful in return, so I put off replying until I can devote the proper energy to it. Which means that in the meanwhile, I can trigger your RSD that way. Ah, fecking ADHD, you suck. lol.
I'm kinda the same way. It's hard for me to have a reply and not reply to it. :) For somewhat similar reasons.
I always reply to Teams messages
What I love about these conversations is that I learn about myself from others' experiences. :)
One Tildes vote is more than enough
My only problem with this is that to leave something as unread, I can't upvote it until I reply! lol. I should get into the habit of voting but bookmarking.... and then checking my damn bookmarks. lol
I appreciate this response so much, because this allows my rational brain to combat the sensitivity: others might be taking their time to meaningfully engage, or (gasp!) have their own lives and...
I appreciate this response so much, because this allows my rational brain to combat the sensitivity: others might be taking their time to meaningfully engage, or (gasp!) have their own lives and are busy and can also resist internet entertainmentwith delayed gratification. More empowerment to the rational side is always helpful to calm any would be nerves.
I am so sorry, and will keep this in mind for future interactions! It's common for me to see a long post at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and brain-no-more-work-now. Another 24 hours...
I am so sorry, and will keep this in mind for future interactions! It's common for me to see a long post at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and brain-no-more-work-now. Another 24 hours passes, and I'm thinking, "I've already been rude, and it's probably too late to add anything relevant to the conversation..."
No apologies necessary at all, by all means! The very small sensitivity and how odd it is, is mine. Thank you for saying that though, because having read it, I'm able to store it in my brain. When...
No apologies necessary at all, by all means! The very small sensitivity and how odd it is, is mine. Thank you for saying that though, because having read it, I'm able to store it in my brain. When I feel insecure for whatever reason I can pull this out, tape it on the wall, and circle it in thick red marker to hush the nagging voice :)
I wonder if it would be useful to keep personal readmes (as posted by @GLaDYS above) here in ~health.mental or maybe that would raise the bar too high so people don't post to not seem...
I wonder if it would be useful to keep personal readmes (as posted by @GLaDYSabove) here in ~health.mental or maybe that would raise the bar too high so people don't post to not seem disrespectful.
Idk, actually idk if I think personal readmes are a good idea. This was just a thought that I posted instead of getting the laundry :)
I would never in a million years put one up for work or discuss these with a manager. General distrust of how the corporate world handles human beings, diversity and liability: it will be at best...
I would never in a million years put one up for work or discuss these with a manager. General distrust of how the corporate world handles human beings, diversity and liability: it will be at best ignored by most and at worst used against me somehow. If I could magically appear as a neurotypical nondescript white male for work I would.
It's a fantastic idea for friends and family!
For Tildes, myself, on the rare occasion I am upset about something, I just need to have more consideration for others and give it a bit more perspective before re-engaging. It's easy because we're already a very respectful environment without rage baits :)
I know I can only speak for myself, but let me please do specificaly say to you (but also to others here on Tildes): If ever I do something that seems offensive, it's definitely not meant that...
I know I can only speak for myself, but let me please do specificaly say to you (but also to others here on Tildes): If ever I do something that seems offensive, it's definitely not meant that way. If you can find it in your heart to say "Er, sounds like you're saying X - is that what you really meant?" — I'll probably be horrified that I came across that way, but truly happy to know about it so I can try to clarify and apologize sincerely for mangling what I'd meant to say. <3
But I also need to try and remember to do my best to interpret what others say in the most favorable light to them, i.e. not snapping to assuming offense when none is meant. heh. But it's hard! :whine:
:D I liked what you guys have got going here right away when I visited, and I think there's a good chance we would try to give each other a chance. A chance both to ask and find out more, when...
:D I liked what you guys have got going here right away when I visited, and I think there's a good chance we would try to give each other a chance. A chance both to ask and find out more, when opinions seem to differ and why. It's hard, and sometimes it's risky to put ourselves out there when feeling sensitive or even hurt, but with honest conversations with good people, it's also where there's a good chance for deeper appreciation and opportunities to break out of an unconscious prejudice, to grow, and to be friends.
I will try, thank you for the reminder :) and if I do not, the imperfection and missed opportunity is mine.
You can't tell me what to do >v< Reply! Just kidding, oppositional defiance isn't one of the weirdness in my bag. But thank you, that's most kind of you, and truly, don't worry I'm doing quite...
You can't tell me what to do >v< Reply!
Just kidding, oppositional defiance isn't one of the weirdness in my bag. But thank you, that's most kind of you, and truly, don't worry I'm doing quite well these days. Tildes is my home now, because everyone is so nice.
There's a now very outdated (60s-70s) and likely obsolete expression in HK (chinese language source), "to shoo away with a blunt ended broom", meaning, to get rid of an unwanted someone with the most worn down and hence most (magically?) potent unwanted-thing sweeper upper. And the responding phrase, "you can't get rid of me even if you chase me out with a blunt ended broom (用掘頭掃把趕我都唔走)" . And that's how I feel here now :3
I admire your dedication to not leaving a digital footprint >:} every 7 days! ||||||||| , I truly hope your vision for online anonymity / freedom from being traced becomes easier / remains possible, and it will only be because of people who care and fight and take a stand like yourself.
... ragebait. I'll apologize here, I guess. I've tildes'd, at times, when I've been in a really bad place. Sometimes it shows. Though, I suppose, sometimes it's also me, trying to unmask, instead...
... ragebait.
I'll apologize here, I guess. I've tildes'd, at times, when I've been in a really bad place. Sometimes it shows.
Though, I suppose, sometimes it's also me, trying to unmask, instead of forcing myself to be a people-pleaser. This comes too easily to autistics/trauma survivors.
Can we tell when our posts are marked for noise or other not good marks? Fairly sure I have RSD. Everything you and everyone else in this thread have said about it resonates with me. My wife is an...
Can we tell when our posts are marked for noise or other not good marks?
Fairly sure I have RSD. Everything you and everyone else in this thread have said about it resonates with me.
My wife is an under-communicator. And, yes, this creates lots of anxieties for me, small and large.
Yes they gain a pretty obvious box like the exemplary box. We can see our own, I think, it's not like being Shadowbanned where we're kept in the dark. I haven't seen it be used for a while.... :p...
Yes they gain a pretty obvious box like the exemplary box. We can see our own, I think, it's not like being Shadowbanned where we're kept in the dark. I haven't seen it be used for a while.... :p which is good for folks like us.
That's unfortunate that the under-communication style might give your anxieties frequent flare ups. :< I'm sure she doesn't mean it but the assurances only work for so long huh
You cannot tell if they're Noise or Off Topic or Joke. There's no big box. Mostly it goes under the radar but for example I have a post right now in a thread that's on the bottom despite having...
You cannot tell if they're Noise or Off Topic or Joke. There's no big box. Mostly it goes under the radar but for example I have a post right now in a thread that's on the bottom despite having more votes than the post above it. That's really the only obvious tell besides it staying collapsed even when there are new comments under it. @elight
I thought it would not be a positive bit of knowledge but I didn't want you to operate under incorrect info. I figure I said what I said and if folks don't like it (the particular post I was...
I thought it would not be a positive bit of knowledge but I didn't want you to operate under incorrect info. I figure I said what I said and if folks don't like it (the particular post I was referencing had deleted replies too) they can do with it as they wish
And some of us don't like being described as "having autism". It's not a feature that I can turn off. I am autistic. A straw poll I took on Mastodon was 100% out of dozens of respondents...
And some of us don't like being described as "having autism". It's not a feature that I can turn off. I am autistic. A straw poll I took on Mastodon was 100% out of dozens of respondents preferring "being autistic". Other forms either sound clinical or otherwise invalidating.
I agree with folks and have a suggestion for how to offer help without overstepping or prying. Ask about things that a good manager would ask anyway, but which are things usually ignored by or...
I agree with folks and have a suggestion for how to offer help without overstepping or prying. Ask about things that a good manager would ask anyway, but which are things usually ignored by or invisible to mediocre/bad managers. Ask them one on one, ask in text, ask as a team, ask them again after you have some rapport with them: sometimes people don't respond to some of those methods, sometimes we've learned our needs don't matter or won't be taken seriously and we're cautious and keeping our heads down.
How is the office for noise? White noise, sudden noise, walking talking chewing noise. Are your people wearing a lot of noise cancelling headphones? Are they hiding in the flex office more than being at their cubicle? Is it an accursed open seating thing where no one can get any dang routine or predictability? Do they feel comfortable enough to bring some personal items or a preferred ergonomic keyboard/mouse/chair?
Oh hold up you're not their manager you're just a good colleague trying to help!
In that case, begin with curiosity: when you feel disregulated, is there something that helps or make it worse? Hard week huh, what are you looking forward to doing to unwind after this? Ask them about that weird keyboard or the ergo mouse or even if the headphones are for noise block or music.
These are great suggestions! I'd also add expending some social capital / privilege to normalize accommodations that your colleagues might not dare ask. They'll know what would be useful, but some...
These are great suggestions! I'd also add expending some social capital / privilege to normalize accommodations that your colleagues might not dare ask. They'll know what would be useful, but some examples are:
advocating for agendas on meetings or focus time slots without meetings
buying a few stim toys for the team (my favorite are needoh cubes) and normalize having one in hand when thinking or attending meetings
driving improvements and clarifications to process documentation / HR procedures, if they are vague or ambiguous
normalize speaking up about one's energy levels: model that you're not 100% every day (but do not start meetings asking everyone about their energy levels on a scale of 5)
How do you survive, neurodivergent and as a manager? I burned out so hard, after two consecutive jobs of activating the organizations immune system response with my impatience to get shit done,...
How do you survive, neurodivergent and as a manager? I burned out so hard, after two consecutive jobs of activating the organizations immune system response with my impatience to get shit done, protecting my staff, and being a freethinker who saw constraints as things to be out-maneuvered.
Somehow, I managed to alienate the wrong people. I never did ass-kissing: either I genuinely respect a leader or I would compassionately give them candid feedback. Funny how a lot of leaders indicate the importance of this but rarely accept it easily from their staff.
I've been 💯 outside the workforce since. Company culture is become anathema to me.
I've worked in software for a fellow who had very limited person skills but was nevertheless very talented and worked very hard. He would not have been a good manager: he didn't delegate; he...
I've worked in software for a fellow who had very limited person skills but was nevertheless very talented and worked very hard. He would not have been a good manager: he didn't delegate; he doesn't know how to couch his criticisms or phrase them in a way that moves someone forward instead of making them feel bad; he cannot be bribed with friendship nor praise but neither did he befriended others. When he tries to awkwardly kiss up to C suites it was rather obvious and werid I wish he'd not. We all knew where he was strong and where he was weak.
But he respects true talent from others and he himself outputs exceptional work. He was promoted to architect and then director, where he was told to work on documentation, and basically managed via paper trail, off loading traditional people management tasks to middle managers. He was excellent at the hiring panel.
In my current organization, the excellent engineers are not promoted to management, only the people-people are, and everyone seems happier for it. There are clear subject matter experts that everyone listens to, and are presumably paid very well, and that seems to be enough. ("Presumably", because yours truly isn't one of SMEs)
My humble suggestion to you is to perhaps not accept management roles: keep insisting on raises only. When they tell you it's capped, keep looking for another job and use other offers to get raises, or leave.
That's the thing: I'm considered a people person by many who have worked for me. And I care about people. But, no, I'm fairly sure that I'm done with corporate America. I'm tired of feeling...
That's the thing: I'm considered a people person by many who have worked for me. And I care about people.
But, no, I'm fairly sure that I'm done with corporate America. I'm tired of feeling expendable, as all are in corporate America. I'm tired of the moral injuries.
And good for you! A lot of management requires people to be two faced about it: you have to pretend to care about your reports but you know full well your upper management is trying to shrink...
And good for you! A lot of management requires people to be two faced about it: you have to pretend to care about your reports but you know full well your upper management is trying to shrink their benefits while upping productivity.
I hope you find your way forward, and society will be better for it too.
That's why I quit. I felt the pressure form above turning me into one of the monsters I abhor. Fortunately, in a sideways manner, they pushed me toward the door literally the day after I decided...
That's why I quit. I felt the pressure form above turning me into one of the monsters I abhor. Fortunately, in a sideways manner, they pushed me toward the door literally the day after I decided to quit (and hadn't yet announced).
Them: we'll put you under a PIP we wont let you succeed at or you can take this generous severance package.
Me: Let me get back to you.
Honestly, one of the best things for me, as an undiagnosed autistic but diagnosed with ADHD, was working purely remotely for ~16 years. I still had to deal with personalities, office drama, and...
Honestly, one of the best things for me, as an undiagnosed autistic but diagnosed with ADHD, was working purely remotely for ~16 years. I still had to deal with personalities, office drama, and politics. But, at least, I would have to deal with far fewer sensory issues when I could work 100% from home.
If someone admits they have sensory issues stemming from any form of neurodivergence, perhaps one of the most kind things you can do is urge them to seek a medical accommodatjon or raise it with HR (that is, if you trust HR to offer the accommodation route). But, then, I don't know if it works like that in Canada; that's how we do it in the States.
I don't have any known meaning for "dysregulated" so ducking for it I found this text, is this the main meaning? How did you decide to interpret your colleagues use of it and do you think you...
I don't have any known meaning for "dysregulated" so ducking for it I found this text, is this the main meaning?
How did you decide to interpret your colleagues use of it and do you think you where correct?
It can be hard to see from the outside, especially among professionals who have had a career for decades. We learn to mask at least some of what we struggle with. That is, sometimes, you won't be...
It can be hard to see from the outside, especially among professionals who have had a career for decades. We learn to mask at least some of what we struggle with. That is, sometimes, you won't be able to tell at all or, perhaps, the person will contribute less and seem more withdrawn—at least, that's what I would often do.
Masking seems to be a classic with severe depression and sadly as well with suicidality.
I suspect, and know for myself, a lot of that has to do with shame. The shame likely comes from internalized ableism. Speaking for myself, this was far worse for me before being diagnosed autistic. From there, it gets weirder, at least for me. As someone wisely said above, "If you've met one autistic person then you've me one autistic person."
You could say that "dysregulation" can look like burnout—except that it can occur far more quickly and easily with us neurodivergents.
I'm sorry, but I didn't get an answer for my question: What does dysregulation mean? Maybe you could try again? Is the link I posted a fair description of the term? I'm grateful for what you did...
I'm sorry, but I didn't get an answer for my question:
What does dysregulation mean?
Maybe you could try again?
Is the link I posted a fair description of the term?
I'm grateful for what you did write, including how dysregulation can present it is very good info but unfortunately not exactly what I asked for, although it will help to get a clearer view of the meaning.
I think the most important thing is something you're already doing: You're looking at all your colleagues and trying to see what you can do so that everyone has the best possible experience at work.
If you keep doing that, you're already contributing a lot.
I agree that you shouldn't go around asking and making a big deal of things. I have one-to-ones with all the folks that report to me. I never ask about diagnoses or dig into personal life. I ask if there's something we can do at work to make their life easier or to make them have a better time at work.
That gives room for volunteering. If someone gets into their own or family health (always of their own accord) I always say that I don't need a diagnosis, but whatever information they're willing to share about how the situation impacts them and what sorts of things we could do to alleviate things is helpful.
I don't feel comfortable getting into specifics or generalizing on neurodiversity and steps, because everyone is different. In my experience, that's especially the case on this topic.
Kudos on being supportive and reaching out!
As we often say in the community, "if you meet one Autistic person, you've met one Autistic person": although there are commonalities, each individual's experience is different and what helps with someone can be detrimental to another. Autism itself is a spectrum and it often comes with other conditions (ADHD, trauma, eating disorders, EDS, anxiety disorders...) that can also cause dysregulation.
For general information, I highly recommend Dr Neff's free resources:
To ask "how can I help" without prying, you can read on personal readme documents, publish your own and suggest your teammates do so if they are comfortable with it. They might struggle with writing one because society "teaches" us to ignore our triggers and power through, so it can be a living document that is regularly updated. If you asked me what dysregulates me, the first things to come to my mind are:
Lastly, I commend your efforts on using neuroinclusive language, but I'd like to suggest two improvements to your language:
RSD sucks. One of the worst things my managers have done to me is "We need to talk." Yes? Yes? About what? What did I do wrong? I have to wait to find out what I did wrong so you can yell at me. And usually it turns out to be nothing wrong. But when it does, it sucks. And the anticipation sucks.
And I struggle not to take things personally everywhere online when people reply to me.
Is there something I can (try to remember to do) to make interactions with you even better? Are there subtle or obvious things about how we interact that has previously stood out or bothered you a little? I can't be everywhere online (heh) but I can at least be one of the less bad :)
My form of RSD online comes from feeling poorly when people haven't seen or acknowledged what I said, or deem it so poorly said it's not worth replying to or interacting with. Which I know is an unfounded assumption. So then it becomes a sort of compulsion for me to reply to everyone so they don't feel unheard. Which I also know makes an assumption about them.
Another RSD thing is that I always reply to Teams messages, at least an emoji. Which I realise could appear unprofessional and childish to some. (The agony!)
I'm slowly getting better these days. One Tildes vote is more than enough, and zero is totally okay as well; if I get marked for noise (hasn't happened in recent memory!) it isn't targetted necessarily, it is to maintain a good, info dense conversation and it's okay for me to reflect upon being respectful of that as well. Two ticks for read and no response at work is okay: they might be the sort of person who just does that. Etc.
Nope! On the contrary, you are one (of many, or at least quite a few) on Tildes that I'm always glad to interact with - seeing your name (among some others) in the unread causes a little spike of joy. :)
You are specifically one of the few that makes me realize how while I am empathetic, I am not always very thoughtful and considerate. I'm really good about chiming in and being empathetic - and how I often express that is by talking about myself (with the intent of being like "See, I understand because this is how tha timpacts me, for example").
Hah, so basically, sometimes I'll see a thoughtful reply and want to be properly thoughtful in return, so I put off replying until I can devote the proper energy to it. Which means that in the meanwhile, I can trigger your RSD that way. Ah, fecking ADHD, you suck. lol.
I'm kinda the same way. It's hard for me to have a reply and not reply to it. :) For somewhat similar reasons.
What I love about these conversations is that I learn about myself from others' experiences. :)
My only problem with this is that to leave something as unread, I can't upvote it until I reply! lol. I should get into the habit of voting but bookmarking.... and then checking my damn bookmarks. lol
I appreciate this response so much, because this allows my rational brain to combat the sensitivity: others might be taking their time to meaningfully engage, or (gasp!) have their own lives and are busy and can also resist internet entertainmentwith delayed gratification. More empowerment to the rational side is always helpful to calm any would be nerves.
I am so sorry, and will keep this in mind for future interactions! It's common for me to see a long post at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and brain-no-more-work-now. Another 24 hours passes, and I'm thinking, "I've already been rude, and it's probably too late to add anything relevant to the conversation..."
No apologies necessary at all, by all means! The very small sensitivity and how odd it is, is mine. Thank you for saying that though, because having read it, I'm able to store it in my brain. When I feel insecure for whatever reason I can pull this out, tape it on the wall, and circle it in thick red marker to hush the nagging voice :)
I wonder if it would be useful to keep personal readmes (as posted by @GLaDYS above) here in ~health.mental or maybe that would raise the bar too high so people don't post to not seem disrespectful.
Idk, actually idk if I think personal readmes are a good idea. This was just a thought that I posted instead of getting the laundry :)
I would never in a million years put one up for work or discuss these with a manager. General distrust of how the corporate world handles human beings, diversity and liability: it will be at best ignored by most and at worst used against me somehow. If I could magically appear as a neurotypical nondescript white male for work I would.
It's a fantastic idea for friends and family!
For Tildes, myself, on the rare occasion I am upset about something, I just need to have more consideration for others and give it a bit more perspective before re-engaging. It's easy because we're already a very respectful environment without rage baits :)
I know I can only speak for myself, but let me please do specificaly say to you (but also to others here on Tildes): If ever I do something that seems offensive, it's definitely not meant that way. If you can find it in your heart to say "Er, sounds like you're saying X - is that what you really meant?" — I'll probably be horrified that I came across that way, but truly happy to know about it so I can try to clarify and apologize sincerely for mangling what I'd meant to say. <3
But I also need to try and remember to do my best to interpret what others say in the most favorable light to them, i.e. not snapping to assuming offense when none is meant. heh. But it's hard! :whine:
:D I liked what you guys have got going here right away when I visited, and I think there's a good chance we would try to give each other a chance. A chance both to ask and find out more, when opinions seem to differ and why. It's hard, and sometimes it's risky to put ourselves out there when feeling sensitive or even hurt, but with honest conversations with good people, it's also where there's a good chance for deeper appreciation and opportunities to break out of an unconscious prejudice, to grow, and to be friends.
I will try, thank you for the reminder :) and if I do not, the imperfection and missed opportunity is mine.
You can't tell me what to do >v< Reply!
Just kidding, oppositional defiance isn't one of the weirdness in my bag. But thank you, that's most kind of you, and truly, don't worry I'm doing quite well these days. Tildes is my home now, because everyone is so nice.
There's a now very outdated (60s-70s) and likely obsolete expression in HK (chinese language source), "to shoo away with a blunt ended broom", meaning, to get rid of an unwanted someone with the most worn down and hence most (magically?) potent unwanted-thing sweeper upper. And the responding phrase, "you can't get rid of me even if you chase me out with a blunt ended broom (用掘頭掃把趕我都唔走)" . And that's how I feel here now :3
I admire your dedication to not leaving a digital footprint >:} every 7 days! ||||||||| , I truly hope your vision for online anonymity / freedom from being traced becomes easier / remains possible, and it will only be because of people who care and fight and take a stand like yourself.
... ragebait.
I'll apologize here, I guess. I've tildes'd, at times, when I've been in a really bad place. Sometimes it shows.
Though, I suppose, sometimes it's also me, trying to unmask, instead of forcing myself to be a people-pleaser. This comes too easily to autistics/trauma survivors.
It's tough sometimes eh. I think a lot of us understand here :)
Personal READMEs? You're taking me back to the mid-90s with
fingerand plan files. 😄I was struggling to remember a
fingerjokes and then remembered that it was a C++ (JFC, what a nightmare of a language) joke:Can we tell when our posts are marked for noise or other not good marks?
Fairly sure I have RSD. Everything you and everyone else in this thread have said about it resonates with me.
My wife is an under-communicator. And, yes, this creates lots of anxieties for me, small and large.
Yes they gain a pretty obvious box like the exemplary box. We can see our own, I think, it's not like being Shadowbanned where we're kept in the dark. I haven't seen it be used for a while.... :p which is good for folks like us.
That's unfortunate that the under-communication style might give your anxieties frequent flare ups. :< I'm sure she doesn't mean it but the assurances only work for so long huh
You cannot tell if they're Noise or Off Topic or Joke. There's no big box. Mostly it goes under the radar but for example I have a post right now in a thread that's on the bottom despite having more votes than the post above it. That's really the only obvious tell besides it staying collapsed even when there are new comments under it. @elight
Oh.... Crumb, this thought it going to keep me up at night
I thought it would not be a positive bit of knowledge but I didn't want you to operate under incorrect info. I figure I said what I said and if folks don't like it (the particular post I was referencing had deleted replies too) they can do with it as they wish
Oh I'm very appreciative of you saying so :) it's up to me to deal with that information and talk myself down etc, but thank you <3
Re: RSD and wife, exactly. I have attachment issues for ages thanks to, you know, trauma. Fun...
And some of us don't like being described as "having autism". It's not a feature that I can turn off. I am autistic. A straw poll I took on Mastodon was 100% out of dozens of respondents preferring "being autistic". Other forms either sound clinical or otherwise invalidating.
I agree with folks and have a suggestion for how to offer help without overstepping or prying. Ask about things that a good manager would ask anyway, but which are things usually ignored by or invisible to mediocre/bad managers. Ask them one on one, ask in text, ask as a team, ask them again after you have some rapport with them: sometimes people don't respond to some of those methods, sometimes we've learned our needs don't matter or won't be taken seriously and we're cautious and keeping our heads down.
How is the office for noise? White noise, sudden noise, walking talking chewing noise. Are your people wearing a lot of noise cancelling headphones? Are they hiding in the flex office more than being at their cubicle? Is it an accursed open seating thing where no one can get any dang routine or predictability? Do they feel comfortable enough to bring some personal items or a preferred ergonomic keyboard/mouse/chair?
Oh hold up you're not their manager you're just a good colleague trying to help!
In that case, begin with curiosity: when you feel disregulated, is there something that helps or make it worse? Hard week huh, what are you looking forward to doing to unwind after this? Ask them about that weird keyboard or the ergo mouse or even if the headphones are for noise block or music.
These are great suggestions! I'd also add expending some social capital / privilege to normalize accommodations that your colleagues might not dare ask. They'll know what would be useful, but some examples are:
How do you survive, neurodivergent and as a manager? I burned out so hard, after two consecutive jobs of activating the organizations immune system response with my impatience to get shit done, protecting my staff, and being a freethinker who saw constraints as things to be out-maneuvered.
Somehow, I managed to alienate the wrong people. I never did ass-kissing: either I genuinely respect a leader or I would compassionately give them candid feedback. Funny how a lot of leaders indicate the importance of this but rarely accept it easily from their staff.
I've been 💯 outside the workforce since. Company culture is become anathema to me.
I've worked in software for a fellow who had very limited person skills but was nevertheless very talented and worked very hard. He would not have been a good manager: he didn't delegate; he doesn't know how to couch his criticisms or phrase them in a way that moves someone forward instead of making them feel bad; he cannot be bribed with friendship nor praise but neither did he befriended others. When he tries to awkwardly kiss up to C suites it was rather obvious and werid I wish he'd not. We all knew where he was strong and where he was weak.
But he respects true talent from others and he himself outputs exceptional work. He was promoted to architect and then director, where he was told to work on documentation, and basically managed via paper trail, off loading traditional people management tasks to middle managers. He was excellent at the hiring panel.
In my current organization, the excellent engineers are not promoted to management, only the people-people are, and everyone seems happier for it. There are clear subject matter experts that everyone listens to, and are presumably paid very well, and that seems to be enough. ("Presumably", because yours truly isn't one of SMEs)
My humble suggestion to you is to perhaps not accept management roles: keep insisting on raises only. When they tell you it's capped, keep looking for another job and use other offers to get raises, or leave.
That's the thing: I'm considered a people person by many who have worked for me. And I care about people.
But, no, I'm fairly sure that I'm done with corporate America. I'm tired of feeling expendable, as all are in corporate America. I'm tired of the moral injuries.
I'm trying to find my own way, now.
And good for you! A lot of management requires people to be two faced about it: you have to pretend to care about your reports but you know full well your upper management is trying to shrink their benefits while upping productivity.
I hope you find your way forward, and society will be better for it too.
That's why I quit. I felt the pressure form above turning me into one of the monsters I abhor. Fortunately, in a sideways manner, they pushed me toward the door literally the day after I decided to quit (and hadn't yet announced).
Them: we'll put you under a PIP we wont let you succeed at or you can take this generous severance package.
Me: Let me get back to you.
... 1 minute later
Me: "... please, please, please! Don't throw me in that briar patch!" 😂😂😂🖕
Honestly, one of the best things for me, as an undiagnosed autistic but diagnosed with ADHD, was working purely remotely for ~16 years. I still had to deal with personalities, office drama, and politics. But, at least, I would have to deal with far fewer sensory issues when I could work 100% from home.
If someone admits they have sensory issues stemming from any form of neurodivergence, perhaps one of the most kind things you can do is urge them to seek a medical accommodatjon or raise it with HR (that is, if you trust HR to offer the accommodation route). But, then, I don't know if it works like that in Canada; that's how we do it in the States.
I don't have any known meaning for "dysregulated" so ducking for it I found this text, is this the main meaning?
How did you decide to interpret your colleagues use of it and do you think you where correct?
It can be hard to see from the outside, especially among professionals who have had a career for decades. We learn to mask at least some of what we struggle with. That is, sometimes, you won't be able to tell at all or, perhaps, the person will contribute less and seem more withdrawn—at least, that's what I would often do.
Masking seems to be a classic with severe depression and sadly as well with suicidality.
I suspect, and know for myself, a lot of that has to do with shame. The shame likely comes from internalized ableism. Speaking for myself, this was far worse for me before being diagnosed autistic. From there, it gets weirder, at least for me. As someone wisely said above, "If you've met one autistic person then you've me one autistic person."
You could say that "dysregulation" can look like burnout—except that it can occur far more quickly and easily with us neurodivergents.
I'm sorry, but I didn't get an answer for my question:
What does dysregulation mean?
Maybe you could try again?
Is the link I posted a fair description of the term?
I'm grateful for what you did write, including how dysregulation can present it is very good info but unfortunately not exactly what I asked for, although it will help to get a clearer view of the meaning.