An honest question about gender, sexuality, and the LGBTQ+ community

I feel like if I began identifying as pan/bi, it would come off as a straight white male looking for a way to put himself in the position of being oppressed or marginalized for woke points.

This is the thought I'd interrogate most if I were you. From what I understand, this is v. v. common anxiety among all sorts of folks who spend their lives seeing themselves as part of an in-group (cis, hetero, able-bodied, neurotypical, etc.) only to realize they might actually be part of the outgroup. Feeling like an impostor makes it harder to process any of your other feelings, too, because your thoughts get muddied by fear and guilt for intruding. But the anxiety often fades the more you question and the more you process these feelings. Making this post is a lovely start.

1. What/where would you put the line between straight and not straight (if anywhere).

This is a hard question to answer, because the concept of straightness itself is rooted in the existence of the gender binary. If we take straightness to mean "attracted only to the opposite gender," what is "nonbinary" opposite to? It throws a wrench into the whole idea, which makes things tricky when you're trying to express your feelings. At that point, "straight" and "non-straight" can lose some of their usefulness as labels.

When you say "I do heavily preference female-presenting people, whether they be trans, nb, or identify as a woman," it's absolutely OK for that to be all that you say, full stop. You don't need a concrete answer to the question "Am I straight?" (Sometimes there can't even be a clear answer if the question itself is flawed.) It's perfectly alright if you understand your attraction to others in more complex terms, rather than through individual labels. :>

2. I am very uncomfortable with this question but do you feel there is a degree of "not-straight" you need to be to be an active part of the queer community.

I can't speak for everyone, but from my perspective, if you're asking these questions and interrogating these ideas, you're good. I mean, the Q in LGBTQ includes "Questioning" as well as "Queer". Any queer community worth its salt would embrace you with open arms and try to help you navigate these heavy and confusing topics. This stuff is hard. You're questioning the silent, unspoken normal that makes up the bedrock of how we perceive ourselves and others. That alone is deserving of comfort and reassurance. Queer communities are full of people who are uncertain and exploring, not just people who know for certain that they're one way or another. :)

You're going to get some essays here but you're probably whatever you're planning to tell people you are.

Be mindful of the difference between queer spaces (specific, tangible, dependent on queer plurality,) and the queer "community", an unnervingly large and disparate coalition of perspectives. The former can be invaded and ruined by people who are just looking to feel included. The latter is very flexible and you're probably doing fine on community standards.

Edit: alt comment: you sound like you're this close to coming out! Forget about how you might come off and just be queer if you're sincere about these considerations. (Unsurely recounting one's own history of attractions/non-attractions is central to bi life!)

Before I came out as bisexual I had the same exact feeling as you, that I a then straight cis white guy didn't want to put themselves in a marginalized group and/or take up resources. I realized then that the issue was that I had a lot of internalized homophobia, and that although I don't like stereotypical male presenting people, I did really not care what set of genitals who I was with had, and I enjoyed any combination. The more you think about gender and sex and everything surrounding it the more of a hole you'll dig, because it's all tied to societal views, and society is going through a huge change in perception of sex/gender/sexuality, so even if you figure out what you "are" right now, what that entails will change in the future and you'll go through more turmoil, because any label you can give yourself is entirely based in societal views. If you really want to deep dive into it read Gender Trouble by Judith Butler, and that will certainly give you a deeper understanding of where all these labels come from, why you and everyone else is currently struggling with ideas of gender/sex/sexuality (DM me if you want a virtual copy).

Essentially labels are a function of society, and so the short answer is unless you are actively trying to enter the dating field it most likely will be a lot of work to find out what you "are". If you are interested in particpating in the lgbt community, which you can do irregardless of what you label yourself as, then I'd definitely recommend reading the above, or just participating in the community.

I realize those are really non answers to your question, because I would feel there's no strong answer, but if you want my subjective answers I'll provide them, but keep in mind there will be no consensus besides participate and help out in the lgbt community, and that the range of answers you get now will be different in 5 years.

1. My first instinct is to say you're not straight, as if you're okay with dating someone who doesn't fall into one of the 2 """genders""" a majority of people in the western world think there are, then by THEIR definition you are not straight, and this 10000% would lead to oppression in most areas that aren't urban and or priveleged. For example I know many people from New England who if they told their family they were in your situation they would be discriminated/hated on in one way or another. If it helps I know many queer pepe who have never experienced oppression or hate because of their privelege, even though they're trans/gay/whatever. Oppression is not require to be gay.

2. Just because no one knows/understands you and your S/O's relationship doesn't mean you're not a queer relationship. Again what is and isn't straight changes with society time and culture, and so what is and isn't queer is not for anyone to decide. I would just say you are part of the queer community for the same reasons as above, that you don't fit the mold of societies notions of straight. Essentially all this boils down to is that in most places, your struggles regarding sexuality in a legal and societal sense are the same as the LGBT community, and that's the only real" rule" in my mind, but again the community is accepting even for allies. I'm sure there are places in the US pre the supreme court ruling where you and your significant other would not have been allowed to be married (sorry to be us centric but I have no idea about queer laws anywhere else) and so although you may come from a place of privelege where you have never been oppressed (which is ok, again you don't need to be to be gay) you still are subject to many of the same issues concerning queer people, which is the real uniting thing about us.

I'm going to give you the most hippie answer you'll probably hear. You are uniquely and quintessentially you.

And what I mean by that is that all of these labels about who and especially about what you are do not strictly apply. You do not have to try to confirm to any given label, and in fact attempting to do so is generally considered to be unhealthy! The very fact that you are unique means that if you did fall squarely and perfectly in to any given label would make you less unique, and that would just make you more dull and uninteresting.

Labels do have a function though; for one it provides ways for you to understand yourself. They provide a barometer that allows you to figure out where you fit in the world. And then once you understand that place you can use that label on yourself to attract like-minded people to you.

If you would like some more insight, I would actually recommend listening to this week's episode of the podcast Factually with Adam Conover. In it the host interviews an author about asexuality. I'm recommending you listen to it because it covers the topics of sex, gender, and the separation of romantic/emotional and sexual attraction, as well as how it can benefit anyone to think about themselves with this kind of mental framework. I think it's the perfect launching point to you better understanding your feelings.

Everyone's already jumped all on this and provided fantastic feedback, so I'm just going to offer the suggestion to look at other labels such as heteroflexible, gynesexual/femsexual, neptunic, venusic, or any of the plethora of additional existing labels if you're looking for something that more closely matches what you feel.

It's also entirely valid to specifically choose not to identify with any labels (including heterosexual) because you feel it does not accurately capture your identity.

Keep in mind that labels are meant to signal something that you want to identify with and the way that you identify with a label is not necessarily the exact same way someone else identifies with a label.

My previous partners have all been women, with the exception of one who identified as female when we were dating, and my current partner is non-binary but female-presenting and has identified as such the entirety of the time we have been dating.

I've dated a person who considered themselves a "dude" at the time and now doesn't. Their physical gender was that of a man, being gay means that is totally my jam. I've also dated guys who where femme - but still guys - and slept with one who where gender nonconforming. Doesn't change my intentions and preferences.

As for straightness or gayness or bi-ness or whatever - its all up to that person to define. We all round up a bit as a convenience to define us, so whatever you prefer is up to you. If your non-binary partner is attracting to you due to their female qualities or whatever that could mean your straight, if so "awesome". If not "awesome".

I've never and probably will never feel fear or be oppressed based on my sexuality. I dunno. I just feel really weird. like I'm inserting myself into a community I've always identified as an ally of but been an outsider to.

I'm a middle aged Swedish faggot, I don't fear oppression from my sexuality 99.9% of my life. If me and my husband travel abroad, or its late night and we meet a large group of young dudes etc... maybe we worry (and we obviously dodge going on vacation to places where we would be at risk) but no one gets upset that we're faggots. So I don't feel oppressed for being gay, but still I am one, and therefore part of the LGBTQ community in some aspect.

You don't have to be either. If you are straight, be a part of it. If they are being dicks about it and playing some kind of "well you can never understand because you are" well screw those people. They want a clubhouse, not an equal rights movement.
(sidenote: I don't know how it is where you live, or how old you are - but here a young man going "I guess I'm straight" is hot AF, not just sexually but socially. It's like wearing a "LGBTQ ally" sign over your head - that "I guess" means that you don't care)

The LGBTQ community can have spaces where I am not welcome, for good reason. Lesbians might have say a thing about "being a lesbian" something I have no fekking clue what that is about, being a dude. Or clubs, like a bar. I don't go there because the focus isn't for me. So they might wanna be on their own. That doesn't mean I am not part of the LGBTQ community.

I'm probably older than you, so this is my "ok boomer" take on this - but I wouldn't stress it. You're good. Wanna go to some meeting for LGBTQ people? Go for it. Whatever you land on, don't stress it. The thing with all the flags at pride isn't that we all need to know wtf they mean, or be able to sort people under them, but to make a plethora so wide so colourful that we can all fit under them.
(I don't mind not knowing the different variations common now - since the vast majority of people who do know don't mind explaining and the small minority of idiots who think having to explain is some kind of oppression are slowly shrinking in to nothing luckily)

Also, not a spokesperson for the LGBTQ community obviously - but if someone whines about you being "too straight" screw those people. They are pointless. If their sexuality is the only thing left to cling to in lieu of a personality they might want to defend and define others in to a relation to it - they may want to exclude others based on it because that is all they have. But in fact they are just redundant.

Whether you're under the umbrella because you're holding it, or you're under it because you're standing by my side in solidarity, you are part of the LGBTQ community. If you're straight and you're an ally, you're part of my community! And if you're not straight, you're also part of my community! Membership in it doesn't hinge on identity; it hinges on intentionality. Act in ways that benefit LGBTQ people and you're in! That's it!

You've already shown how carefully, thoughtfully, and empathetically you're willing to approach this topic, which is undeniable allyship. Should it lead you to conclusions about yourself it might even change forms and move from allyship into the beginning of a shift in your identity. It might not though, and that's fine too. Above anything else, please know that no matter the outcome of that process and the label that might follow, you are a member of our community if you choose to be. That's it! That's all you need to do, and we're more than happy to have you! Come as you are.

As for your own identity, this is going to sound a bit odd, but I think there's a lesson to be learned from physics classes here. I don't know your educational background and whether this in particular will resonate, but I'll give it a shot anyway: in intro-level physics, there's a lot of idealized modeling done -- "box problems" on "frictionless planes", for example. The idea is to take a real-world concept and explicitly decontextualize so that we can focus on the key elements, without getting bogged down in the complexity of the real world.

I encourage you to do this sort of thing for yourself. It's easy to get lost in the weeds about all of the frictions and pressures and whatnot that exist in the real-world, but imagine yourself as a sort of decontextualized box and ask yourself: are there forces you feel right now (not from elsewhere, but from yourself) trying to change your state? If not, that's fine! "Straight" will probably continue to work as an identifier for you. After all, it's worked thus far, and you're not feeling a significant force acting on your box.

On the other hand, if you identify a force acting on you, and it's strong enough to change your state, well then perhaps "straight" isn't the right label, and that's fine too!

The reason I say this is that a lot of people, particularly LGBT people, get caught up in fears, concerns, and negative judgments that keep them from acknowledging or admitting to the forces they feel. Those add a lot of messy, complicated friction to our models that can make arriving at an answer far more difficult. I see some of this in your post, when you say this:

I feel like if I began identifying as pan/bi, it would come off as a straight white male looking for a way to put himself in the position of being oppressed or marginalized for woke points.

Even if someone thinks that about you, if it's not true to your situation and your self-determination, then it legitimately doesn't matter! Who you are is not dependent on what other people think about you or how they judge your identity, so get those out of your box model for yourself! Stick to the idealized environment -- one where you examine yourself absent all of that -- to find your answers.

One other reason someone in your position might choose to move away from the label "straight" is...

If someone identifies as a cis man, and he says "I'm straight," that could imply that his attraction includes women and women only. And, if his partner is a femme nonbinary person, that might come across as (inadvertently) suggesting "In my eyes, I see you as more or less the same as a woman." And to some enby folk, that could feel invalidating.

So, this hypothetical cis man might instead choose to say "I'm not straight" as a symbolic gesture that says to his partner "I acknowledge your identity as a nonbinary person; my attraction encompasses more than just women."

(But, of course as you've been talking to your partner throughout all of this, you might already have a strong shared understanding of your feelings for one another, to the point where such a gesture wouldn't be necessary.)