18 votes

An honest question about gender, sexuality, and the LGBTQ+ community

Hello! If you've clicked on this I'd like to start off by apologizing for the title! I'm in a bit of a strange headspace right this moment as I try to digest some thoughts thrown my way today. I'm currently coming at this from the personal lens of myself, but I think there are some larger questions/generalizations that could be made and might be helpful for others.

Ok, so for some background I am a "straight" man. My previous partners have all been women, with the exception of one who identified as female when we were dating, and my current partner is non-binary but female-presenting and has identified as such the entirety of the time we have been dating. I have previously viewed myself as straight and an ally to my partner and the lgbtq+ community. Today, I was having a long conversation with my cousin about his experiences coming out of the closet and with homophobia in our family. I mentioned at one point that I didn't feel comfortable making some assumptions/statements since I am straight and not a member of the community. He (very politely) brought up that, at least strictly technically speaking, the fact that I am dating someone who is non-binary means we are not in a heterosexual relationship and that I am not technically straight, more likely being bi or pan (if we could lets not turn this into the bi vs pan debate which I know is a controversial topic but not really what I'd like to focus on). He also made a point to stress that these are all technical definitions and that gender and sexual identity are very personal and if I don't feel that it describes me then it isn't for him to decide I'm wrong. This made me a bit uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable because while he's right, it feels wrong. I feel like if I began identifying as pan/bi, it would come off as a straight white male looking for a way to put himself in the position of being oppressed or marginalized for woke points. I don't know if it is because the college I went to was full of dudes like this, constantly looking for ways to be the victim, but its just something I feel deep in my bones. I don't really know though. I feel like if someone came up to me and described my life as their own and told me they identified as pan/bi I would agree and support them, but I won't extend that to myself. I don't know if its just a lifetime of assuming I was straight is why this is or if the term is actually wrong.

I guess to summarize/generalize, I'll put some reallly fucking loaded questions where I know the 'real' answer is "It is a deeply personal thing and will vary by person to person because the LGBTQ+ community isn't a monolith with all the same ideas" but I'm hoping maybe writing all this out and reading some of the results will help me color, process and digest my thoughts.

  1. What/where would you put the line between straight and not straight (if anywhere). I know personally while I like to keep an open mind, I do heavily preference female-presenting people, whether they be trans, nb, or identify as a woman. But is that openness to dating someone who doesn't identify as a woman enough for me to be not-straight? I want to say yes, I don't think you need to date someone of a different gender to be not-straight. My cousin is bi but has exclusively dated men. I wouldn't tell him he isn't bi.

  2. I am very uncomfortable with this question but do you feel there is a degree of "not-straight" you need to be to be an active part of the queer community. To kind of explain my thoughts on that: From an outside perspective, no one that hasn't been told my partner is nb would question if we said we were a straight couple. I've never and probably will never feel fear or be oppressed based on my sexuality. I dunno. I just feel really weird. like I'm inserting myself into a community I've always identified as an ally of but been an outsider to.

Anyway, sorry for this rant. I know the two questions are really loaded and I honestly feel like I know the answer to both of them. But just because i know the answer doesn't change how conflicted I feel and so I guess I'm just trying to work through some of the thoughts and conflicts.

I also want to take a second to note: I am actively talking with my partner about these thoughts and feelings. This is an ongoing discussion in our household, I am just looking for more perspectives and views to help me see things from different angles and work through my thoughts and feelings. Helping me through this is absolutely not the responsibility of anyone on Tildes and I don't want it to seem like I am putting that pressure on the community.

12 comments

  1. unknown user
    (edited )
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    This is the thought I'd interrogate most if I were you. From what I understand, this is v. v. common anxiety among all sorts of folks who spend their lives seeing themselves as part of an in-group...

    I feel like if I began identifying as pan/bi, it would come off as a straight white male looking for a way to put himself in the position of being oppressed or marginalized for woke points.

    This is the thought I'd interrogate most if I were you. From what I understand, this is v. v. common anxiety among all sorts of folks who spend their lives seeing themselves as part of an in-group (cis, hetero, able-bodied, neurotypical, etc.) only to realize they might actually be part of the outgroup. Feeling like an impostor makes it harder to process any of your other feelings, too, because your thoughts get muddied by fear and guilt for intruding. But the anxiety often fades the more you question and the more you process these feelings. Making this post is a lovely start.

    1. What/where would you put the line between straight and not straight (if anywhere).

    This is a hard question to answer, because the concept of straightness itself is rooted in the existence of the gender binary. If we take straightness to mean "attracted only to the opposite gender," what is "nonbinary" opposite to? It throws a wrench into the whole idea, which makes things tricky when you're trying to express your feelings. At that point, "straight" and "non-straight" can lose some of their usefulness as labels.

    When you say "I do heavily preference female-presenting people, whether they be trans, nb, or identify as a woman," it's absolutely OK for that to be all that you say, full stop. You don't need a concrete answer to the question "Am I straight?" (Sometimes there can't even be a clear answer if the question itself is flawed.) It's perfectly alright if you understand your attraction to others in more complex terms, rather than through individual labels. :>

    1. I am very uncomfortable with this question but do you feel there is a degree of "not-straight" you need to be to be an active part of the queer community.

    I can't speak for everyone, but from my perspective, if you're asking these questions and interrogating these ideas, you're good. I mean, the Q in LGBTQ includes "Questioning" as well as "Queer". Any queer community worth its salt would embrace you with open arms and try to help you navigate these heavy and confusing topics. This stuff is hard. You're questioning the silent, unspoken normal that makes up the bedrock of how we perceive ourselves and others. That alone is deserving of comfort and reassurance. Queer communities are full of people who are uncertain and exploring, not just people who know for certain that they're one way or another. :)

    17 votes
  2. [3]
    Qis
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    You're going to get some essays here but you're probably whatever you're planning to tell people you are. Be mindful of the difference between queer spaces (specific, tangible, dependent on queer...

    You're going to get some essays here but you're probably whatever you're planning to tell people you are.

    Be mindful of the difference between queer spaces (specific, tangible, dependent on queer plurality,) and the queer "community", an unnervingly large and disparate coalition of perspectives. The former can be invaded and ruined by people who are just looking to feel included. The latter is very flexible and you're probably doing fine on community standards.

    Edit: alt comment: you sound like you're this close to coming out! Forget about how you might come off and just be queer if you're sincere about these considerations. (Unsurely recounting one's own history of attractions/non-attractions is central to bi life!)

    12 votes
    1. Micycle_the_Bichael
      Link Parent
      Thank you for the response! A really solid point my partner made since I posted this was that since we are engaged, at this point my sexuality only matters to myself. God willing, I will not be...

      Thank you for the response! A really solid point my partner made since I posted this was that since we are engaged, at this point my sexuality only matters to myself. God willing, I will not be dating again and as such whatever sexuality label I have doesn't really matter. I love my partner, and at the end of the day that's what really matters to me. Whatever I land on, if anything, will be purely for myself. As you and @tindall have mentioned, I don't have any intention to force myself into queer spaces or use resources that aren't meant for me or that I don't need. Really this feels like a semi-natural extension of my crisis of identity that I've been having for the last few months (before today it was mostly "who am I right now, who do I want to be, how do I get there" and "what am I actually interested in and passionate about vs what I try to force myself into liking because I feel like I should like it based on my other personality traits").

      11 votes
    2. unknown user
      Link Parent
      That sounds like exactly what @Micycle_the_Bichael is already so very cognizant about! Mentioning this might fuel that anxiety fire even more. :P What is it they say...? "People who are the most...

      The former can be invaded and ruined by people who are just looking to feel included.

      That sounds like exactly what @Micycle_the_Bichael is already so very cognizant about! Mentioning this might fuel that anxiety fire even more. :P

      What is it they say...? "People who are the most worried about being <insert bad thing> are the least likely people to turn out to be <insert bad thing>"?

      7 votes
  3. moose
    Link
    Before I came out as bisexual I had the same exact feeling as you, that I a then straight cis white guy didn't want to put themselves in a marginalized group and/or take up resources. I realized...

    Before I came out as bisexual I had the same exact feeling as you, that I a then straight cis white guy didn't want to put themselves in a marginalized group and/or take up resources. I realized then that the issue was that I had a lot of internalized homophobia, and that although I don't like stereotypical male presenting people, I did really not care what set of genitals who I was with had, and I enjoyed any combination. The more you think about gender and sex and everything surrounding it the more of a hole you'll dig, because it's all tied to societal views, and society is going through a huge change in perception of sex/gender/sexuality, so even if you figure out what you "are" right now, what that entails will change in the future and you'll go through more turmoil, because any label you can give yourself is entirely based in societal views. If you really want to deep dive into it read Gender Trouble by Judith Butler, and that will certainly give you a deeper understanding of where all these labels come from, why you and everyone else is currently struggling with ideas of gender/sex/sexuality (DM me if you want a virtual copy).

    Essentially labels are a function of society, and so the short answer is unless you are actively trying to enter the dating field it most likely will be a lot of work to find out what you "are". If you are interested in particpating in the lgbt community, which you can do irregardless of what you label yourself as, then I'd definitely recommend reading the above, or just participating in the community.

    I realize those are really non answers to your question, because I would feel there's no strong answer, but if you want my subjective answers I'll provide them, but keep in mind there will be no consensus besides participate and help out in the lgbt community, and that the range of answers you get now will be different in 5 years.

    1. My first instinct is to say you're not straight, as if you're okay with dating someone who doesn't fall into one of the 2 """genders""" a majority of people in the western world think there are, then by THEIR definition you are not straight, and this 10000% would lead to oppression in most areas that aren't urban and or priveleged. For example I know many people from New England who if they told their family they were in your situation they would be discriminated/hated on in one way or another. If it helps I know many queer pepe who have never experienced oppression or hate because of their privelege, even though they're trans/gay/whatever. Oppression is not require to be gay.

    2. Just because no one knows/understands you and your S/O's relationship doesn't mean you're not a queer relationship. Again what is and isn't straight changes with society time and culture, and so what is and isn't queer is not for anyone to decide. I would just say you are part of the queer community for the same reasons as above, that you don't fit the mold of societies notions of straight. Essentially all this boils down to is that in most places, your struggles regarding sexuality in a legal and societal sense are the same as the LGBT community, and that's the only real" rule" in my mind, but again the community is accepting even for allies. I'm sure there are places in the US pre the supreme court ruling where you and your significant other would not have been allowed to be married (sorry to be us centric but I have no idea about queer laws anywhere else) and so although you may come from a place of privelege where you have never been oppressed (which is ok, again you don't need to be to be gay) you still are subject to many of the same issues concerning queer people, which is the real uniting thing about us.

    11 votes
  4. [2]
    Akir
    Link
    I'm going to give you the most hippie answer you'll probably hear. You are uniquely and quintessentially you. And what I mean by that is that all of these labels about who and especially about...

    I'm going to give you the most hippie answer you'll probably hear. You are uniquely and quintessentially you.

    And what I mean by that is that all of these labels about who and especially about what you are do not strictly apply. You do not have to try to confirm to any given label, and in fact attempting to do so is generally considered to be unhealthy! The very fact that you are unique means that if you did fall squarely and perfectly in to any given label would make you less unique, and that would just make you more dull and uninteresting.

    Labels do have a function though; for one it provides ways for you to understand yourself. They provide a barometer that allows you to figure out where you fit in the world. And then once you understand that place you can use that label on yourself to attract like-minded people to you.

    If you would like some more insight, I would actually recommend listening to this week's episode of the podcast Factually with Adam Conover. In it the host interviews an author about asexuality. I'm recommending you listen to it because it covers the topics of sex, gender, and the separation of romantic/emotional and sexual attraction, as well as how it can benefit anyone to think about themselves with this kind of mental framework. I think it's the perfect launching point to you better understanding your feelings.

    8 votes
    1. Micycle_the_Bichael
      Link Parent
      Thank you for the response! It might be the hippie answer but it's one I'm very fond of. Maybe once my mind and anxiety stop racing that'll feel like enough and I'll be comfortable with it. Also,...

      Thank you for the response! It might be the hippie answer but it's one I'm very fond of. Maybe once my mind and anxiety stop racing that'll feel like enough and I'll be comfortable with it. Also, thanks for the podcast suggestion. Added it to my phone to listen to at the "gym" (yeah its a tiny mat in my bedroom but ya know what its still a gym to me lol)

      5 votes
  5. Micycle_the_Bichael
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    Adding a comment to add another thought I had: I feel like part of the reason this question is so hard for me right now is because I am in a long-term relationship. I'm engaged. We've been...

    Adding a comment to add another thought I had: I feel like part of the reason this question is so hard for me right now is because I am in a long-term relationship. I'm engaged. We've been together for 4 years and it just never occurred to me to question my own sexuality in that time. These two things together mean I have this very ingrained framework/view of my sexuality wrt our relationship. I think if these questions had occurred to me back before we were dating or early on in our relationship, I'd have an easier time figuring my thoughts out. Or if I was single it would be easier for me to think about who I would be interested in being involved with, but at this current time the answer is "my fiancee, fuck everyone else" and so that makes it difficult for me to think more abstractly because I'm firmly rooted in the mindset of my relationship with my fiancee. As others have pointed out, that can definitely be enough. And who knows! Maybe someday when I've thought more about it it will be enough. Or maybe I'll land on a label. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    8 votes
  6. Gaywallet
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    Everyone's already jumped all on this and provided fantastic feedback, so I'm just going to offer the suggestion to look at other labels such as heteroflexible, gynesexual/femsexual, neptunic,...

    Everyone's already jumped all on this and provided fantastic feedback, so I'm just going to offer the suggestion to look at other labels such as heteroflexible, gynesexual/femsexual, neptunic, venusic, or any of the plethora of additional existing labels if you're looking for something that more closely matches what you feel.

    It's also entirely valid to specifically choose not to identify with any labels (including heterosexual) because you feel it does not accurately capture your identity.

    Keep in mind that labels are meant to signal something that you want to identify with and the way that you identify with a label is not necessarily the exact same way someone else identifies with a label.

    8 votes
  7. ohyran
    Link
    I've dated a person who considered themselves a "dude" at the time and now doesn't. Their physical gender was that of a man, being gay means that is totally my jam. I've also dated guys who where...

    My previous partners have all been women, with the exception of one who identified as female when we were dating, and my current partner is non-binary but female-presenting and has identified as such the entirety of the time we have been dating.

    I've dated a person who considered themselves a "dude" at the time and now doesn't. Their physical gender was that of a man, being gay means that is totally my jam. I've also dated guys who where femme - but still guys - and slept with one who where gender nonconforming. Doesn't change my intentions and preferences.

    As for straightness or gayness or bi-ness or whatever - its all up to that person to define. We all round up a bit as a convenience to define us, so whatever you prefer is up to you. If your non-binary partner is attracting to you due to their female qualities or whatever that could mean your straight, if so "awesome". If not "awesome".

    I've never and probably will never feel fear or be oppressed based on my sexuality. I dunno. I just feel really weird. like I'm inserting myself into a community I've always identified as an ally of but been an outsider to.

    I'm a middle aged Swedish faggot, I don't fear oppression from my sexuality 99.9% of my life. If me and my husband travel abroad, or its late night and we meet a large group of young dudes etc... maybe we worry (and we obviously dodge going on vacation to places where we would be at risk) but no one gets upset that we're faggots. So I don't feel oppressed for being gay, but still I am one, and therefore part of the LGBTQ community in some aspect.

    You don't have to be either. If you are straight, be a part of it. If they are being dicks about it and playing some kind of "well you can never understand because you are" well screw those people. They want a clubhouse, not an equal rights movement.
    (sidenote: I don't know how it is where you live, or how old you are - but here a young man going "I guess I'm straight" is hot AF, not just sexually but socially. It's like wearing a "LGBTQ ally" sign over your head - that "I guess" means that you don't care)

    The LGBTQ community can have spaces where I am not welcome, for good reason. Lesbians might have say a thing about "being a lesbian" something I have no fekking clue what that is about, being a dude. Or clubs, like a bar. I don't go there because the focus isn't for me. So they might wanna be on their own. That doesn't mean I am not part of the LGBTQ community.

    I'm probably older than you, so this is my "ok boomer" take on this - but I wouldn't stress it. You're good. Wanna go to some meeting for LGBTQ people? Go for it. Whatever you land on, don't stress it. The thing with all the flags at pride isn't that we all need to know wtf they mean, or be able to sort people under them, but to make a plethora so wide so colourful that we can all fit under them.
    (I don't mind not knowing the different variations common now - since the vast majority of people who do know don't mind explaining and the small minority of idiots who think having to explain is some kind of oppression are slowly shrinking in to nothing luckily)

    Also, not a spokesperson for the LGBTQ community obviously - but if someone whines about you being "too straight" screw those people. They are pointless. If their sexuality is the only thing left to cling to in lieu of a personality they might want to defend and define others in to a relation to it - they may want to exclude others based on it because that is all they have. But in fact they are just redundant.

    7 votes
  8. kfwyre
    Link
    Whether you're under the umbrella because you're holding it, or you're under it because you're standing by my side in solidarity, you are part of the LGBTQ community. If you're straight and you're...

    Whether you're under the umbrella because you're holding it, or you're under it because you're standing by my side in solidarity, you are part of the LGBTQ community. If you're straight and you're an ally, you're part of my community! And if you're not straight, you're also part of my community! Membership in it doesn't hinge on identity; it hinges on intentionality. Act in ways that benefit LGBTQ people and you're in! That's it!

    You've already shown how carefully, thoughtfully, and empathetically you're willing to approach this topic, which is undeniable allyship. Should it lead you to conclusions about yourself it might even change forms and move from allyship into the beginning of a shift in your identity. It might not though, and that's fine too. Above anything else, please know that no matter the outcome of that process and the label that might follow, you are a member of our community if you choose to be. That's it! That's all you need to do, and we're more than happy to have you! Come as you are.

    As for your own identity, this is going to sound a bit odd, but I think there's a lesson to be learned from physics classes here. I don't know your educational background and whether this in particular will resonate, but I'll give it a shot anyway: in intro-level physics, there's a lot of idealized modeling done -- "box problems" on "frictionless planes", for example. The idea is to take a real-world concept and explicitly decontextualize so that we can focus on the key elements, without getting bogged down in the complexity of the real world.

    I encourage you to do this sort of thing for yourself. It's easy to get lost in the weeds about all of the frictions and pressures and whatnot that exist in the real-world, but imagine yourself as a sort of decontextualized box and ask yourself: are there forces you feel right now (not from elsewhere, but from yourself) trying to change your state? If not, that's fine! "Straight" will probably continue to work as an identifier for you. After all, it's worked thus far, and you're not feeling a significant force acting on your box.

    On the other hand, if you identify a force acting on you, and it's strong enough to change your state, well then perhaps "straight" isn't the right label, and that's fine too!

    The reason I say this is that a lot of people, particularly LGBT people, get caught up in fears, concerns, and negative judgments that keep them from acknowledging or admitting to the forces they feel. Those add a lot of messy, complicated friction to our models that can make arriving at an answer far more difficult. I see some of this in your post, when you say this:

    I feel like if I began identifying as pan/bi, it would come off as a straight white male looking for a way to put himself in the position of being oppressed or marginalized for woke points.

    Even if someone thinks that about you, if it's not true to your situation and your self-determination, then it legitimately doesn't matter! Who you are is not dependent on what other people think about you or how they judge your identity, so get those out of your box model for yourself! Stick to the idealized environment -- one where you examine yourself absent all of that -- to find your answers.

    7 votes
  9. unknown user
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    One other reason someone in your position might choose to move away from the label "straight" is... If someone identifies as a cis man, and he says "I'm straight," that could imply that his...

    One other reason someone in your position might choose to move away from the label "straight" is...

    If someone identifies as a cis man, and he says "I'm straight," that could imply that his attraction includes women and women only. And, if his partner is a femme nonbinary person, that might come across as (inadvertently) suggesting "In my eyes, I see you as more or less the same as a woman." And to some enby folk, that could feel invalidating.

    So, this hypothetical cis man might instead choose to say "I'm not straight" as a symbolic gesture that says to his partner "I acknowledge your identity as a nonbinary person; my attraction encompasses more than just women."

    (But, of course as you've been talking to your partner throughout all of this, you might already have a strong shared understanding of your feelings for one another, to the point where such a gesture wouldn't be necessary.)

    6 votes