My father died suddenly
In a few days my dad will have been gone for 2 months. I'm his only biological child and he has 2 stepsons. I've been feeling like I'm grieving 'the wrong way' but that in itself is not a source of stress or anything. I've been spending so much time doing other things that I've been distracted from having enough quiet moments to reflect on his passing and remember all that I can about him. I'm also not the type of person that can cry easily (not a sociopath lol). We weren't super close but I believe we had an understanding; this is a common father-son dynamic I think. Although, I do feel terrible that he won't be around to see me hit all the milestones of adulthood that I know he would be proud of. But I do know that he was proud of me for some things because he made sure to tell me. I also feel like I don't know how to fully be there for my mother who just lost her partner of 30+ years; I can't imagine the scale of her grief. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.
It might be worth mentioning that he was an alcoholic, as am I (sober 1 year next month). This of course was a factor in his death but not the only thing. I'm very grounded in the reality of what happened and why it happened which I think makes others surprised by my 'tough exterior' or whatever. I feel like I can go on forever but I'll leave this post short.
Others are welcome to share cool stories about their dads :^)
If it makes you feel better, trying to get busy/distracting yourself with work is a pretty common way of grieving among men. I remember when my father’s parents died he buried himself in work and would listen to music 24/7.
I don’t think grieving takes on a specific form, it’s dependent on cultures I suppose, but if you’re American you have a lot of leeway on how that can look at. You have a whole lifetime to reflect on your father. It’ll come when it comes.
The only advice I can offer regarding grief is to be somewhat conscious of whether you are trying to bury it or work through it.
The only way out is through. If suppressed, one day 10 years from now you'll just burst out in uncontrollable sobbing in the middle of a grocery store for no discernable reason as a memory hits in just the wrong (right?) way.
There is no right or wrong way to work through it. Sometimes pensive reflection. Sometime sharing with others. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad.
FWIW, sometimes that grocery store breakdown is gonna happen no matter what. So don't stress too hard about doing anything 'wrong.'
I had almost the exact same thing happen half a year ago. My dad was in his early 60's and quite healthy overall. Over thanksgiving, he was super sick with a cough that wouldn't get better. After a lot of bullshit fighting Kaiser (seriously fuck kaiser in every way possible; dealing with them is a miserable experience), he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on December 8. He died at home on Christmas.
It was such a quick whirlwind of emotions through those two months. And it has been difficult to recover after that. I think I was closer with my dad than it sounds like you were, and I am still very close to my mom. Supporting my mom has been very trying. Like your father, she lost her lifelong partner.
On top of that, dealing with the finances has been insane. Despite being a teacher, my dad made more than my mom. They really needed both incomes to survive financially. And since my mom is younger than my dad, she can't collect his social security until she retires, even though he could have retired and started collecting it if he were alive.
I don't really have anything to say that could help, except that I know exactly what you are going through now.
I have one bit of wisdom to add: you're closer now to your father than you'll ever be. By which I mean, your memories are fresher and your knowledge of him is more tangible. I'm not saying that you won't come to a different relationship with him in the future as you sort through memories, but he'll be further and further away. I'm not sure I've ever said this to anyone, as it's a partially depressing realization, and I don't know that it's especially comforting. But I do partially mean it as comfort. Enjoy the fresh memories of your father. Enjoy remembering him directly. If you can, enjoy the physical objects that he left behind. Maybe there are even things that still smell like him. You're running out of time to enjoy those.
When my dad died in '09, my pain was agony for quite a while. I felt that hole in my heart almost physically. But I came to look with a kind of longing on that fresh pain because he hadn't been gone long. Part of me felt like he was still around, or like I'd just missed him. I'm not saying I'd like to go back to that pain, but don't shy away from it. I'm not saying enjoy the pain, but do enjoy the freshness of your memories, even if that brings you pain. You might even write down some of your memories, especially if you have a terrible memory like I do. I wish I'd done that. I've forgotten so much of my dad.
Regarding your mother: everyone processes this differently. My mom never especially wanted anything from the four of us other than to continue to be around. She didn't express her grief to us in particular; she dealt with it in her own way. My mother-in-law was the same way. But that's kind of between you and your step-brothers and your mom. I say just be in her life and help when you can unless she seems like there's something more she wants from you. I'm sure anything you can do to honor your dad would be great.
Sorry for your loss. I at least had some warning that my dad would be gone, even if I ignored most of the warning in favor of denial. I can't imagine what it'd feel like for it to be sudden.