My father died suddenly
In a few days my dad will have been gone for 2 months. I'm his only biological child and he has 2 stepsons. I've been feeling like I'm grieving 'the wrong way' but that in itself is not a source of stress or anything. I've been spending so much time doing other things that I've been distracted from having enough quiet moments to reflect on his passing and remember all that I can about him. I'm also not the type of person that can cry easily (not a sociopath lol). We weren't super close but I believe we had an understanding; this is a common father-son dynamic I think. Although, I do feel terrible that he won't be around to see me hit all the milestones of adulthood that I know he would be proud of. But I do know that he was proud of me for some things because he made sure to tell me. I also feel like I don't know how to fully be there for my mother who just lost her partner of 30+ years; I can't imagine the scale of her grief. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.
It might be worth mentioning that he was an alcoholic, as am I (sober 1 year next month). This of course was a factor in his death but not the only thing. I'm very grounded in the reality of what happened and why it happened which I think makes others surprised by my 'tough exterior' or whatever. I feel like I can go on forever but I'll leave this post short.
Others are welcome to share cool stories about their dads :^)
If it makes you feel better, trying to get busy/distracting yourself with work is a pretty common way of grieving among men. I remember when my father’s parents died he buried himself in work and would listen to music 24/7.
I don’t think grieving takes on a specific form, it’s dependent on cultures I suppose, but if you’re American you have a lot of leeway on how that can look at. You have a whole lifetime to reflect on your father. It’ll come when it comes.
The only advice I can offer regarding grief is to be somewhat conscious of whether you are trying to bury it or work through it.
The only way out is through. If suppressed, one day 10 years from now you'll just burst out in uncontrollable sobbing in the middle of a grocery store for no discernable reason as a memory hits in just the wrong (right?) way.
There is no right or wrong way to work through it. Sometimes pensive reflection. Sometime sharing with others. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad.
FWIW, sometimes that grocery store breakdown is gonna happen no matter what. So don't stress too hard about doing anything 'wrong.'
My father was also an alcoholic. He was actively drinking for most of my life. He was sober, for 8-10 years, before he died. He was sort of a weird alcoholic. He's drink like a fish for 3-4 days then sober up and work like a demon for a week or so and rinse and repeat. He was described by a good friend of both of ours, who was sober and in AA for a very long time as "The hardest working man in the program." He tried very hard even though he kept failing.
I suspect he was hypomanic. Before he sobered up someone diagnosed him as Manic-Depressive and put him on medication for it.
I remember when he told me that I said:
"You've never been depressed a day in your life!"
He said "I know kid, but the pills work."
"Then keep taking them."
He did, they kept working, he stayed sober until the end. He died where he wanted too. He literally picked the place. I suspect he knew it was coming. He was on vacation, working on someones house, when he fell over dead. He was in the city/country he was born in and doing what he wanted and he went quick. All things considered.. I am happy with the outcome.
But none of that matters. Here is what does:
Just be there. Be present. Let her know you're there and she is not alone. That means if you can, stop by, if you can't make the phone call. It doesn't have to be much, it doesn't have to be eloquent.
"How's everything?"
"You need anything?"
If you can stop by it's better but do what you can. Don't try to get into helping her grieve. That's not your job. If she wants to talk about it she'll talk about it. You won't have to help. If she doesn't that's fine. Just be present and be there. And keep it up.
Make sure she knows she's not alone.
I have one bit of wisdom to add: you're closer now to your father than you'll ever be. By which I mean, your memories are fresher and your knowledge of him is more tangible. I'm not saying that you won't come to a different relationship with him in the future as you sort through memories, but he'll be further and further away. I'm not sure I've ever said this to anyone, as it's a partially depressing realization, and I don't know that it's especially comforting. But I do partially mean it as comfort. Enjoy the fresh memories of your father. Enjoy remembering him directly. If you can, enjoy the physical objects that he left behind. Maybe there are even things that still smell like him. You're running out of time to enjoy those.
When my dad died in '09, my pain was agony for quite a while. I felt that hole in my heart almost physically. But I came to look with a kind of longing on that fresh pain because he hadn't been gone long. Part of me felt like he was still around, or like I'd just missed him. I'm not saying I'd like to go back to that pain, but don't shy away from it. I'm not saying enjoy the pain, but do enjoy the freshness of your memories, even if that brings you pain. You might even write down some of your memories, especially if you have a terrible memory like I do. I wish I'd done that. I've forgotten so much of my dad.
Regarding your mother: everyone processes this differently. My mom never especially wanted anything from the four of us other than to continue to be around. She didn't express her grief to us in particular; she dealt with it in her own way. My mother-in-law was the same way. But that's kind of between you and your step-brothers and your mom. I say just be in her life and help when you can unless she seems like there's something more she wants from you. I'm sure anything you can do to honor your dad would be great.
Sorry for your loss. I at least had some warning that my dad would be gone, even if I ignored most of the warning in favor of denial. I can't imagine what it'd feel like for it to be sudden.
I had almost the exact same thing happen half a year ago. My dad was in his early 60's and quite healthy overall. Over thanksgiving, he was super sick with a cough that wouldn't get better. After a lot of bullshit fighting Kaiser (seriously fuck kaiser in every way possible; dealing with them is a miserable experience), he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on December 8. He died at home on Christmas.
It was such a quick whirlwind of emotions through those two months. And it has been difficult to recover after that. I think I was closer with my dad than it sounds like you were, and I am still very close to my mom. Supporting my mom has been very trying. Like your father, she lost her lifelong partner.
On top of that, dealing with the finances has been insane. Despite being a teacher, my dad made more than my mom. They really needed both incomes to survive financially. And since my mom is younger than my dad, she can't collect his social security until she retires, even though he could have retired and started collecting it if he were alive.
I don't really have anything to say that could help, except that I know exactly what you are going through now.
I think you are kind of ahead of the game on this. Certainly a lot more self aware than I was when my dad died, and you are thinking more about the feelings of other people than I did when I was younger.
My dad has been gone for years, but just a few days ago I was thinking about him and I wrote a journal of some of the things that I had been thinking about. I think I still have to work through some of the trauma of him dying and my thoughts about him and how my personality and issues relate to growing up around him and how he died.
He retired early because he got sick. He got better but then got a second illness and died a few months later. He was pretty young and this traumatized the family a lot.
For whatever reason I didn't realize that he was an alcoholic until he got sick the first time and I saw some evaluation from a doctor that mentioned it.
I have very complicated feelings about him. I think he was a good guy, but he had a lot of behaviors that I didn't like. When I was younger, I consciously tried to not be like him. As I get older, I can appreciate his good qualities and I realize that life is hard for all of us, and parenting is particularly difficult. But when I have certain feelings of anxiety or anger, I try to think about the cause and I think a lot of it is related to his personality and how he interacted with me.
Here are some of his specific traits:
What you mentioned about your mother makes me feel kind of bad about my mother. Frankly I've never been close to my mother. When my father died I really didn't talk to her much about it, and I rarely visited her or anything. One of my brothers in law would go by and help her frequently but I didn't really. I still don't visit her that much. She has a much different relationship with my sisters, but I don't think they are really that close to her. But I'm confident that I was closer to my dad than my other siblings were.
So anyway don't feel bad about yourself or think you are somehow grieving in some wrong way. People go through this stuff at different speeds and you have to give yourself time to heal and grow. As I said, life is hard, we all make mistakes, and hopefully we learn and change.
FWIW, about half of those bullets are just further manifestations of the depression.
If he was dealing with unmedicated long term depression, the fact that he got up out of bed at all is a testament to his willpower to do right by his family in spite of a perpetual numbness and hopelessness.
To defend your dad, I've been dropping these nuggets periodically on my kids since they were 3. Doesn't help that fascism is taking hold and we're jewish. Part of growing up is learning to cope with the depressing things in life, and I feel like letting it come in as a tsunami in middle/high school when the wall of childhood is torn down is worse.
On the upside, my kid came up with the ideas of universal healthcare and UBI more or less on their own when exposed to the ideas of homelessness and poverty. There is hope.
I'm so sorry.
I don't believe there is a "wrong way" to grieve, outside of acts of violence or other obviously egregious choices. Everyone handles grief differently, and whatever you do, know that your grief will stay with you for a long time.
When I lost my father a bit more than eight years ago, someone told my mother and I not to make any big decisions for a year, and that it would probably be about five years before thinking of him would be more likely to prompt happy memories than the pain and loss I was overwhelmed with in the days after he died. I do not know how broadly applicable that advice and information is, but it proved very accurate for me, and helped prepare me for how long I would be struck with intermittent spells of moroseness and rage.
I barely remember the first year after he died, save a few notable (mostly happy) events. The second year was better but not by much, and I was such a mess on and around the second anniversary of his death that it may have cost me my job (although the pandemic certainly didn't help). From there things improved in fits and starts. I continued to have occasional private sobbing meltdowns, but they were progressively rarer and less severe. Happier memories became easier to find without dredging up all the baggage they once did. The eighth anniversary earlier this year wasn't all sunshine and daisies, but I set aside time to do low-stress things I enjoy, and managed to have a mostly pleasant day.
I don't think grief ever fully goes away, but it does heal. Those big life milestones he can no longer be there for will be bittersweet, even years after the fact. But you're two months in, still very much in the thick of it. Whatever you are feeling is perfectly valid. Remember that, because you'll keep feeling it for quite some time. Recovering from grief can't be rushed. But also remember that in time things really will get better.
Hang in there.