This has so many wonderful ways of putting a crazy experience. Some of my favourites: The experience can make us more comfortable with existing in the liminal space where two contractions are true...
This has so many wonderful ways of putting a crazy experience. Some of my favourites:
Living with Schrödinger’s Baby. For the first few months of being pregnant, you have to assume you are both pregnant and not pregnant.
The experience can make us more comfortable with existing in the liminal space where two contractions are true at once.
Fittingly for stepping into parenthood, I had to start holding my notion of “the kind of person I am” very lightly. [...] But I promptly stopped being this kind of person.
It's a humbling experience. Many can no longer view themselves as an adult who doesn't throw up on people, a grown up who doesn't pee their pants randomly, or one who doesn't have hallucinations or uncontrollable sobs. We can no longer be defined by our intellect, personalities, hobbies, tastes, preferences, actions or thoughts : all subject to day to day health issues.
I think perhaps this is why my father has such a hard time with aging: many of the symptoms he is suffering from, that he considered to take away from his true personhood, are small potatoes compared to when my sister and I were pregnant.
More Thoughts: Sad mom beigecore is so hilarious to me. As if the entire exercise isn't emotional enough. Pick the colours that make you feel good, who cares what anyone else thinks. Natural...
More Thoughts:
Sad mom beigecore is so hilarious to me. As if the entire exercise isn't emotional enough. Pick the colours that make you feel good, who cares what anyone else thinks.
Natural everything and ancient anything are both rather tragecomic as well, especially coming from the IVF or CSection crowd, perhaps as a sort of self flagellation for not having had the "real" experience. In contrast, the other half can get swallowed up by hubris and fall into the cult of unsafe free birth.
It's natural and ancient to die in childbirth to a stillborn baby before the age of 25. Echoes back to the author's opening thought further elaborated in this section
As long as you reproduce and the offspring survive, it doesn’t matter whether you suffer through the process. Natural selection is indifferent to your misery.
As established previously, nature doesn’t care much about your comfort or enjoyment, only that your offspring survive.
Correction: nature doesn't care that your offspring survive, only that of some of the species' babies do. Correction correction: nature doesn't care if our entire species become extinct as is the norm for all species, and it also doesn't care when the earth becomes barren and the sun swallows the planet. Life is the Universe's only source of caring and the only fight that happens. Medical advances and technology are means of Life and the Fight.
As for Paleo Nostalgia, coming from a non-WEIRD ancestry, the majority of women on the planet are only 0-3 generations past from being married off to people who don't have our best well-being in mind. Paleo life was no doubt every bit as violent and brutal towards female children; I have no such nostalgia.
And all I can feel is shocking, overwhelming gratitude to be pregnant at this point in history.
Exactly this.
But I’ve surveyed every woman I know with children, and watched one too many online videos of live birth vlogs, and the consistent theme across the board is that women both report, or clearly appear to be experiencing, previously unfathomable levels agony throughout the process.
To be fair, no, it wasn't that bad. For me, it wasn't hypnotism or the inner goddess or drugs. It wasn't level 10/10 pain throughout. It really could range from 1 to 10, changing by the minute. Some parts (transition) are terrible yes but they are stations you go through rather than a pit you fall into. Remembering the acronym PAIN (purposeful, anticipated, intermittent, natural) seems counter to what I just said and the author observed about natural core, but natural here means my tissues are being stressed / damaged, some blood cells are loss, and nerves reporting the event to my brain. Okay, acknowledged, the midwives are saying this is an acceptable level of tissue stress and fluid loss, signal overruled, sip fluids, continue. In another case natural could mean, yes I could die without medical care, but I'm in a hospital and my OB is giving me the thumbs up and they have clean scalpels with bright lights and bags of other people's blood ready, here comes the anesthesia, signal overruled, continue.
That kind of PAIN is nothing in comparison to watching a loved one waste away from degeneration, from the hellscape of depression and other mental health problems, or watching your kid go into emergency surgery, or holding a stillborn child.
Planning to get an epidural is completely fine and I hope they get it. But I also hope the author saves some mental room for kindness to themselves if epidural isn't in the cards somehow, and that they can still get through, and I can promise it won't be the worst kind of pain a human lives through. It's only physical.
Lastly, warm and best wishes for everyone on the fence, for folks trying to become pregnant, people waiting for their babies, and folks who've just come home with their baby wondering how it could be legal for them to be in this much control over another super tiny human being.
And special Rememberance for folks who this didn't happen for. I mourn with you, and wish you healing and comfort for our remaining rides together on this rock around the sun.
I imagine there's some solace in the understanding that those potentially embarrassing changes during pregnancy aren't necessarily permanent though, no? I would think the elderly are often...
I think perhaps this is why my father has such a hard time with aging: many of the symptoms he is suffering from, that he considered to take away from his true personhood, are small potatoes compared to when my sister and I were pregnant.
I imagine there's some solace in the understanding that those potentially embarrassing changes during pregnancy aren't necessarily permanent though, no? I would think the elderly are often reckoning with a loss of dignity rather than embarrassment, because they don't see any way back to "normal," not to mention how seniors can be considered/treated as burdens by society in a way that I don't think pregnant women ever are.
That's not to downplay the other changes women typically have to reckon with, pre-baby body vs. post-baby body etc., but they seem like distinct categories in my mind. Am I mistaken?
I think the degree and suddenness in the change in how pregnant women are treated compared to the treatment of the elderly is an important factor. Aging is much more gradual and is usually not as...
I think the degree and suddenness in the change in how pregnant women are treated compared to the treatment of the elderly is an important factor. Aging is much more gradual and is usually not as acutely traumatic physically as pregnancy and childbirth, and the degree to which treating pregnant women like objects without bodily autonomy is culturally normalized is genuinely shocking.
With pregnancy, there are no guarantees either. You go to the doctor and they say yup that's normal. Any body horror that happens is within normal, even death. And no one guarantees it'll go away...
With pregnancy, there are no guarantees either. You go to the doctor and they say yup that's normal. Any body horror that happens is within normal, even death. And no one guarantees it'll go away either: just "probably" or "likely".
So while it isn't a one way street like aging, women are also dealing with this in their 20s, 30s, and maybe early 40s: barely out of girlhood to midlife. We hadn't had grown old in our bodies yet and it feels unfair. If you recall how you felt about changes in puberty, even being told it's probably temporary is no alleviation.
It's true that pregnancy isn't considered as much of a burden as old age, but that's not to say we enjoy any privileges either. I distinctly remember people on transit getting up to let me sit while pregnant, and then sitting stone faced when they see me with a stroller / baby sling. Society may be polite to pregnant bellies, but overall we despise women and children. Think of attitudes at be airport, at the workplace, when we consider welfare recipients: the quiet tsk maybe sideways look and speed walking ahead of you. And again, some of us, we're in our 20s dealing with this attitude.
The fruit thing annoyed me greatly after a while. "Your baby is as big as an avocado" feels intuitive enough, avocados have a kind of snowman-esque shape that I can map to a fetus. Then the next...
The fruit thing annoyed me greatly after a while. "Your baby is as big as an avocado" feels intuitive enough, avocados have a kind of snowman-esque shape that I can map to a fetus. Then the next week one says "your baby is as big as a pear", but hang on, every pear I've ever eaten was smaller than an avocado. And another says "your baby is as big as a pomegranate", which is roughly spherical. Does that mean baby's length matches a pomegranate's diameter? Stretched out or slightly curled? Or is it that they have the same volume if baby curled up extra-tight? Or the same weight? More thought than anyone making such a chart has given it, I'm sure.
Oh my god this drove my wife and INSANE. And you're giving by the far some of the most reasonable examples. What about a carrot? A zuchini? WHAT MEASUREMENT ARE YOU USING HERE?? Apparently I still...
Oh my god this drove my wife and INSANE. And you're giving by the far some of the most reasonable examples. What about a carrot? A zuchini? WHAT MEASUREMENT ARE YOU USING HERE??
Some interesting (to me, at least) perspective from a first-time mother engaging with the many contradictions and uncertainties of contemporary pregnancy.
Reflections on the strange experience of growing a human from scratch, without any conscious understanding of how you are doing it
Some interesting (to me, at least) perspective from a first-time mother engaging with the many contradictions and uncertainties of contemporary pregnancy.
This was an interesting read and I definitely was able to identify with a lot of it. Right now I am 25 weeks pregnant with my first and it has been a surreal experience to some extents. Somehow...
This was an interesting read and I definitely was able to identify with a lot of it. Right now I am 25 weeks pregnant with my first and it has been a surreal experience to some extents.
Somehow this process in which I am growing another human has me feeling less human than I ever have. The sheer scale of the biological changes, the absolute loss of control to both having a safe pregnancy, what I can do physically, and how I feel, it has been a lot to reckon with. In modern society we are so removed from the animal part of us and it only gets acknowledged in what feels performative ways. Pregnancy definitely has kind of stripped my personhood, both socially from being so observed and also through the loss of dignity that comes from things like throwing up on yourself while peeing or peeing yourself while throwing up. I’m very excited to have a kid, but I am not looking forward to my next 15 or so weeks of whatever disgusting misery is coming my way, not even counting postpartum recovery.
That was an engaging read, and I enjoyed hearing her perspective the whole way through. I like the additional book recommendations at the end, too. Thanks for posting it here and sharing it with us.
That was an engaging read, and I enjoyed hearing her perspective the whole way through. I like the additional book recommendations at the end, too. Thanks for posting it here and sharing it with us.
This has so many wonderful ways of putting a crazy experience. Some of my favourites:
The experience can make us more comfortable with existing in the liminal space where two contractions are true at once.
It's a humbling experience. Many can no longer view themselves as an adult who doesn't throw up on people, a grown up who doesn't pee their pants randomly, or one who doesn't have hallucinations or uncontrollable sobs. We can no longer be defined by our intellect, personalities, hobbies, tastes, preferences, actions or thoughts : all subject to day to day health issues.
I think perhaps this is why my father has such a hard time with aging: many of the symptoms he is suffering from, that he considered to take away from his true personhood, are small potatoes compared to when my sister and I were pregnant.
More Thoughts:
Sad mom beigecore is so hilarious to me. As if the entire exercise isn't emotional enough. Pick the colours that make you feel good, who cares what anyone else thinks.
Natural everything and ancient anything are both rather tragecomic as well, especially coming from the IVF or CSection crowd, perhaps as a sort of self flagellation for not having had the "real" experience. In contrast, the other half can get swallowed up by hubris and fall into the cult of unsafe free birth.
It's natural and ancient to die in childbirth to a stillborn baby before the age of 25. Echoes back to the author's opening thought further elaborated in this section
Correction: nature doesn't care that your offspring survive, only that of some of the species' babies do. Correction correction: nature doesn't care if our entire species become extinct as is the norm for all species, and it also doesn't care when the earth becomes barren and the sun swallows the planet. Life is the Universe's only source of caring and the only fight that happens. Medical advances and technology are means of Life and the Fight.
As for Paleo Nostalgia, coming from a non-WEIRD ancestry, the majority of women on the planet are only 0-3 generations past from being married off to people who don't have our best well-being in mind. Paleo life was no doubt every bit as violent and brutal towards female children; I have no such nostalgia.
Exactly this.
To be fair, no, it wasn't that bad. For me, it wasn't hypnotism or the inner goddess or drugs. It wasn't level 10/10 pain throughout. It really could range from 1 to 10, changing by the minute. Some parts (transition) are terrible yes but they are stations you go through rather than a pit you fall into. Remembering the acronym PAIN (purposeful, anticipated, intermittent, natural) seems counter to what I just said and the author observed about natural core, but natural here means my tissues are being stressed / damaged, some blood cells are loss, and nerves reporting the event to my brain. Okay, acknowledged, the midwives are saying this is an acceptable level of tissue stress and fluid loss, signal overruled, sip fluids, continue. In another case natural could mean, yes I could die without medical care, but I'm in a hospital and my OB is giving me the thumbs up and they have clean scalpels with bright lights and bags of other people's blood ready, here comes the anesthesia, signal overruled, continue.
That kind of PAIN is nothing in comparison to watching a loved one waste away from degeneration, from the hellscape of depression and other mental health problems, or watching your kid go into emergency surgery, or holding a stillborn child.
Planning to get an epidural is completely fine and I hope they get it. But I also hope the author saves some mental room for kindness to themselves if epidural isn't in the cards somehow, and that they can still get through, and I can promise it won't be the worst kind of pain a human lives through. It's only physical.
Lastly, warm and best wishes for everyone on the fence, for folks trying to become pregnant, people waiting for their babies, and folks who've just come home with their baby wondering how it could be legal for them to be in this much control over another super tiny human being.
And special Rememberance for folks who this didn't happen for. I mourn with you, and wish you healing and comfort for our remaining rides together on this rock around the sun.
I imagine there's some solace in the understanding that those potentially embarrassing changes during pregnancy aren't necessarily permanent though, no? I would think the elderly are often reckoning with a loss of dignity rather than embarrassment, because they don't see any way back to "normal," not to mention how seniors can be considered/treated as burdens by society in a way that I don't think pregnant women ever are.
That's not to downplay the other changes women typically have to reckon with, pre-baby body vs. post-baby body etc., but they seem like distinct categories in my mind. Am I mistaken?
I think the degree and suddenness in the change in how pregnant women are treated compared to the treatment of the elderly is an important factor. Aging is much more gradual and is usually not as acutely traumatic physically as pregnancy and childbirth, and the degree to which treating pregnant women like objects without bodily autonomy is culturally normalized is genuinely shocking.
Absolutely, I'd forgotten to mention the ways our bodies are treated throughout. No wonder the crunchy free birth cults get a following.
With pregnancy, there are no guarantees either. You go to the doctor and they say yup that's normal. Any body horror that happens is within normal, even death. And no one guarantees it'll go away either: just "probably" or "likely".
So while it isn't a one way street like aging, women are also dealing with this in their 20s, 30s, and maybe early 40s: barely out of girlhood to midlife. We hadn't had grown old in our bodies yet and it feels unfair. If you recall how you felt about changes in puberty, even being told it's probably temporary is no alleviation.
It's true that pregnancy isn't considered as much of a burden as old age, but that's not to say we enjoy any privileges either. I distinctly remember people on transit getting up to let me sit while pregnant, and then sitting stone faced when they see me with a stroller / baby sling. Society may be polite to pregnant bellies, but overall we despise women and children. Think of attitudes at be airport, at the workplace, when we consider welfare recipients: the quiet tsk maybe sideways look and speed walking ahead of you. And again, some of us, we're in our 20s dealing with this attitude.
Thank you for sharing this aspect of your experience.
The fruit thing annoyed me greatly after a while. "Your baby is as big as an avocado" feels intuitive enough, avocados have a kind of snowman-esque shape that I can map to a fetus. Then the next week one says "your baby is as big as a pear", but hang on, every pear I've ever eaten was smaller than an avocado. And another says "your baby is as big as a pomegranate", which is roughly spherical. Does that mean baby's length matches a pomegranate's diameter? Stretched out or slightly curled? Or is it that they have the same volume if baby curled up extra-tight? Or the same weight? More thought than anyone making such a chart has given it, I'm sure.
Oh my god this drove my wife and INSANE. And you're giving by the far some of the most reasonable examples. What about a carrot? A zuchini? WHAT MEASUREMENT ARE YOU USING HERE??
Apparently I still have not processed this.
Some interesting (to me, at least) perspective from a first-time mother engaging with the many contradictions and uncertainties of contemporary pregnancy.
This was an interesting read and I definitely was able to identify with a lot of it. Right now I am 25 weeks pregnant with my first and it has been a surreal experience to some extents.
Somehow this process in which I am growing another human has me feeling less human than I ever have. The sheer scale of the biological changes, the absolute loss of control to both having a safe pregnancy, what I can do physically, and how I feel, it has been a lot to reckon with. In modern society we are so removed from the animal part of us and it only gets acknowledged in what feels performative ways. Pregnancy definitely has kind of stripped my personhood, both socially from being so observed and also through the loss of dignity that comes from things like throwing up on yourself while peeing or peeing yourself while throwing up. I’m very excited to have a kid, but I am not looking forward to my next 15 or so weeks of whatever disgusting misery is coming my way, not even counting postpartum recovery.
That was an engaging read, and I enjoyed hearing her perspective the whole way through. I like the additional book recommendations at the end, too. Thanks for posting it here and sharing it with us.