51
votes
Polyamory: If there are any poly folks here, I would love to hear your stories!
How visible is your lifestyle to others in your life (personal, professional, etc)?
Have you found love recently?
What do serious relationships look like for you? Is marriage on the table, or is it contrary to polyamory?
I'm hoping to spark discussion of the topic, since I haven't seen it mentioned much on Tildes.
I'm in my early 40's, married to someone who's also poly. I'm only in one relationship right now, so I'm poly in the same way that someone who is celibate at the moment still has a sexual preference. Most of my friends know I'm poly; my professional network does not, as my personal relationships are none of their business.
I haven't found love recently, as life has been getting in the way of really wanting to spend the time on a new relationship. Work, family responsibilities, etc... it takes time to build and maintain each relationship, and I haven't felt like I had time and energy for my current responsibilities, let alone another relationship on top of the one I have. I'm really not sure when I'll have time and energy that I won't earmark for my existing relationship or for other areas of my life.
Serious relationships as a poly person look like serious monogamous relationships. I'm only in one relationship right now, with my wife, but before we broke up my girlfriend and I had been together for 7 years. My wife and I were clear about polyamory before we started dating, so we never saw any trouble with getting married. Marriage is about love and sex, yes, but it's also about committing to each other for the long term when it comes to financial and household responsibilities. There's nothing about multiple romantic and sexual relationships that conflicts with marriage, barring local laws about adultery.
I've been poly my whole life except for a single decade long relationship.
How visible I let my poly be has something that has changed quite a bit through my life. Currently it's very visible and in fact something that I also regularly advertise at places like work because I think it's important to my idea and it needs to be more normalized.
I'm not sure I know how to parse the question of whether I've found love. I've loved many people in my life and my life is full of many loving people. I don't understand or desire to restrict the amount of love in the world and would like nothing more than for it to grow, so I don't understand how love works in monogamy or how to even compare my experiences meaningfully on this axis.
All of my relationships are serious. With that being said, I'm still searching for an anchor partner. These days I now live with a nesting partner and her partner, but I don't feel like we're really committed to building a life together as much as she is with her partner. I think part of wanting an anchor partner is a recognition of how hard it is to find quality relationships. I think I would be equally fulfilled being poly saturated with a bunch of non anchor partners, but highly doubt I'd ever find enough relationships to hit that point. Most of the people around here who are poly are already saturated enough that it's rare any of them have availability for more than once a week or every other.
I dislike marriage on a conceptual level which has almost nothing to do with being poly, so no it's not on the table.
That's interesting. I'm not poly, but I want to ask a question because it resonates with some of my own feelings.
You are poly, and yet, as you say, you don't feel fulfilled with your current relationship.
So, do you feel like only being able to have a single partner is very limiting and "unfair", yet you still have the desire to have a deep personal connection with a single person?
I am fulfilled in many ways by my relationships. I'm not sure why you think I'm unfulfilled. Yes, I'm searching for more, but that is because I have more capacity for love and people and greatly enjoy what it brings to my life.
I want a deep personal connection with all of my partners. I would say that I have that with most of my partners, but the level of that connection varies depending on the partner and how much they rely on or make use of that connection as opposed to other connections in their lives is also a factor of who else they are dating and the realities of their life. That is to say, I often am not the first person they turn towards when they need help or support, but that's often a reflection of life circumstances - they have other partners that they also date which they live with, for example, and it's easier to turn to them when they are right there, rather than call me up for support. To be clear that doesn't mean that I don't get reached out to, I absolutely do, it just tends to be for the things where they need support from multiple people because they are really struggling, or I get filled in on the smaller things when we do happen to be spending time together.
Could you elaborate on your feelings towards marriage? Even if it's not relevant to the poly discussion, I'd like to hear your perspective, if you're willing.
I don't particularly think entering a contract to prove you love someone is meaningful. If you love someone, you're there for them. You don't need a contract to make you be there for them. To me, it diminishes the love, because its harder to tell that it's something they are fully opting into.
I'm invisible poly! That is, I'm very picky about partners, and it rarely happens that there are two people at the same time that I'd be interested in. It's also not very difficult for me to be in a relationship with only one person, so for all intents and purposes, I come across as monogamous to everyone. I did have a serious poly relationship before and it made me very happy, and I'd love to have one again. However, my current partner is not poly, so I'm not looking for anyone else either. I honestly don't mind - I'm happy and loved, and just because I have the capacity for more love, I don't have to fill it.
I'm not out to anyone aside from my closest friends and my partner. It's not a big part of my identity and not very relevant to my life really. Funnily enough, one of my former poly partners went the exact other way and is now semi-openly poly, with a primary partner and a few secondary ones (that's how they refer to themselves).
đź‘€
Whew
Haha, no worries, I firmly believe in the ethical part of ethical non-monogamy. I was always open and clear about this with any potential partners.
I'm poly! I actually sometimes forget that I'm poly, because I'm not "dating" / aka looking for more partners, and am only involved with the people I'm currently involved with.
At present, I have a "primary"/nesting partner who I live with, a girlfriend, as well as several play partners who I see now and again for playtime. My partner has a second partner (who has their own nesting partner and playmates) and is currently dating; my girlfriend has her nesting partner (who also dates), and she dates as well. Previously I was a nesting "third" for a established nesting couple, which was an interesting experience that I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person.
I don't think marriage is antithetical to poly, because I don't think there's any single kind of poly, to be honest. Additionally, I hold the viewpoint that marriage is a legal contract between consenting parties, and has no bearing on the legitimacy (or illegitimacy!) of any social relationship.
I've met people who are in basically dualed heterosexual monogamous relationships that share every aspect of their lives (two-households-in-one); I've met people who are devoted to their marriage partners (and consider themselves monogamous) but have tons of play partners on the side; I've met "farmhouse" throuples and so on that live in commune-style living; I've met polys who default to having one nesting partner and other non-nesting partners.
Visibility wise, my nesting partner and I are not "out" as poly socially where we live, only because it's none of anyone's business. Some of those in my social groups are also play partners, and generally those who aren't play partners in that social group know we're all playing together. I've spoken briefly to my girlfriend's nesting partner, though I've only passed messages along through my nesting partner to their non-nesting partner. Generally speaking, I am publicly a deeply private person, though online I am, like many, prone to opening up a little bit more.
I'll add my own thoughts now that this has been up for a while. I've been consciously poly for ~6 years, but I was exploring it before I knew there was a word for it.
I am out to my friends, some family, and a few co-workers who ran into me on a date with someone that wasn't my nesting partner (who they'd met). For context, I'm out as bisexual to fewer people.
Serious relationships, for me, include some combination of introducing them to friends, possibly taking them to family events, posting on socials with them, and spending consecutive days together. A step beyond that would be what I consider a "primary partner", with whom I live, share items/responsibilities/vacations, and default to spending time (i.e. if I have nothing else going on, I'll be with or near my primary). I haven't had two primary partners simultaneously yet, so I can't speak to those dynamics.
For me, marriage is off the table, as polygamy is illegal and I don't feel comfortable adding a glass ceiling to other relationships. I'm also not religious, and marriage as a concept carries a lot of such baggage. I can imagine non-monogamous dynamics that support marriage, but I'm not interested in such arrangements.
How visible is your lifestyle to others in your life (personal, professional, etc)?
Personally, I tend to project myself as a raging polyamorous bisexual. I too did not know there was a term for what ethical non-monogamy or polyamory is until the last few years, but have been at it for 8 years. I tend to only be out to other people in the kink, LGBT+, or ENM scenes just cause I dislike explaining to people who are curious (in the sense of wanting a short story, examples, and otherwise are interested enough to hear it in conversation, but not do their own research) or arguing with people who are judgemental. Professionally, I don't tell a sole and project as a boring cishet monogamous person as my workplace is not so open to ideals outside of the "traditional" family.
Have you found love recently?
Been happily married for 4 years now. Recently ended up in a D/s dynamic with a new friend and have been loving every second of it! Additionally, have a room mate now where my nesting partner (spouse) and I have regular fun with. Room mate has it strictly platonic with me, but romantic with spouse.
What do serious relationships look like for you? Is marriage on the table, or is it contrary to polyamory?
A serious relationship looks like having strong feelings towards someone, showing them a great deal of care and respect, and treating them with a priority above close friends or your best friend. My other bar for people who do still have parents (and have a good relationship with them) is if you introduce a new partner to your parents and they know you are polyamorous, then it is a serious relationship (cause imo I am not going to introduce a partner to family unless I really enjoy said partner). Being a person who is married, but polyamorous, I found the married portion is just a formality in the eyes of the government. Our relationship has a higher level of permanence due to marriage (which also eases my anxieties slightly of being left for whatever reason my brain decides that day), but it does not necessarily mean it is any more serious than a relationship with other partners.
Thanks for sharing your own experiences and opening up this conversation to all!
What’s the “ENM scene”? Google doesn’t come up with anything.
Great question! So ENM means Ethical Non-Monogamy.
Ethical Non-Monogamy is described as:
"An openly non-monogamous relationship is one where partners agree that they want to be together and are open and honest about the fact that they have other partners. For this reason, it is also sometimes referred to as ethical non-monogamy."
The "ENM scene" is often used as a synonym to polyamory. ENM imo focuses more on relationship building, honesty, trust, consent, and looking at each relationship as its own unique web of social development vice a traditional exclusive polyamorous or monogamous relationship. Many of these labels are hard to find solid definitions on as many ENM/Polymarous labels are still being agreed upon and defined in a social setting. I use ENM mainly from the book The Ethical Slut which tries to codify and define many of these terms. From my own anecdotal evidence, people in the "ENM scene" are also involved in the kink scene. Thus, when I mean the "ENM scene" it is really practicing ENM while in a kink dungeon/scene setting. Hope this clears things up or at least gives you a bit to discover and digest in the world of ENM/Polyamory!
Sources:
The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut
Non-Monogamous-Relationships
https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/non-monogamous-relationships/
Ethical Non-Monogamy
Love this thread! It's great to see some representation of my lifestyle, as it is rather scarce in real life.
How visible is your lifestyle to others in your life (personal, professional, etc)?
I think practically all people in my life know that I'm poly, except (some) of my clients because my private life simply isn't their business. I'm not going to hide anything from them and don't care if they notice, but it just doesn't matter in a professional relationship.
My first poly relationship started about 5 years ago, and I came out to friends and family shortly after. I truly hate having secrets and lies, so that was necessary for me. Everyone was very accepting though, even when they didn't quite understand it. I still notice that friction sometimes, where some friends blame any drama in my life on being polyamorous, but I don't want to resort to pettiness and point out their own relationship issues despite being monogamous. It's all quite fine, the only bother is that it can feel lonely to not have many people to talk to about poly specific struggles.
Have you found love recently?
Yes, but I've also lost at the same time. It's been quite a tumultuous few months...
A long-term relationship ended recently. During COVID we developed (in hindsight) codependent behaviour, which got worse in the time since while we were doing the remote work travelling life. About 8 months ago I met someone new and developed a wonderful relationship with them. Unfortunately, that also resulted in a break-up with my long-term partner. We both noticed how toxic our relationship had become. It hurts, but I think it's for the best.
It's weird though, having these feelings next to eachother. I just moved in with my new partner and it's been absolutely amazing. But at the same time I'm also still mourning the loss of another relationship. Luckily, my new partner is very understanding and supportive of this, and really is helping me through it. I guess these feelings aren't contradictory, but I've just been conditioned that I can't experience love during a breakup without being a horrible human being.
What do serious relationships look like for you? Is marriage on the table, or is it contrary to polyamory?
A relationship to me is serious when it... Feels serious. I don't like putting any definite lines in the sand and categorising things. I guess the difference with serious and casual is just my internal commitment. My current relationship feels way more serious way faster, despite having different milestones. The only difference I can point to is that feeling: I feel like this is a person that I need in my life, without hesitations or boundaries.
As to marriage: on that front, I'm terribly unromantic. I will do it if it makes sense legally and financially or if my partner wants it. I would also be happy with simply having a celebration (the only part that attracts me to marriage is food and dressing up tbh...), or nothing at all. The important part is setting time aside to just celebrate your relationship, whatever form that may take.
I've been interested in learning about enm lately too