I lost my dad a few years ago. Cancer. (Honestly I'm still not over it, not sure I ever will be 😞) Before he passed away though, I took a day to watch a few movies with him. Austin Powers: The Spy...
I lost my dad a few years ago. Cancer. (Honestly I'm still not over it, not sure I ever will be 😞)
Before he passed away though, I took a day to watch a few movies with him. Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me and Rush Hour. Two movies I watched over and over with him when I was a teen. Maybe you guys had some movies you bonded over in the past?
I lost him not long afterwards but it was nice to hear him laugh a few more times before the end.
After my stepfather died, for various reasons the most feasible plan was for my partner and I to build an addition to our house and have my mom move in. This brought a LOT of adjustments, a fair...
After my stepfather died, for various reasons the most feasible plan was for my partner and I to build an addition to our house and have my mom move in. This brought a LOT of adjustments, a fair amount of emotional difficulties, but once she was diagnosed with cancer, it was definitely the best choice we could have made.
My mother wasn't an alcoholic but had a number of mental/psychological conditions that made connecting difficult. Here are just a couple of thoughts I had after reading your post:
I commend and completely understand your decision to spend time with him. It is a gift you are giving him, but he may not see it that way. He may be, at various times, put off that you are interrupting his routine, suspicious that you are judging him or threatening his independence, embarrassed or humiliated that he needs your help, angry that you weren't there all along. He may need time to adjust and to process. He may need time alone. I'd suggest going into it with a very open mind and flexible expectations. And give both of you lots of extra chances.
TV is something I barely pay attention to, but for my mom, some shows were like a second family. Especially when she had cancer, and the pain was so bad, melting into her shows was a serious relief for her. Maybe don't dismiss TV out of hand. I found that sitting with her while she was watching her shows provided an opportunity to be together, see her laugh, let her feel accepted, and also sometimes led to the chance to have meaningful conversations that grew naturally instead of being forced and confrontational.
As someone with intractable pain, I have noticed how easy it is for other people to forget about it, dismiss it or assume I'm used to it. You never get used to it. Not saying this is what you would do with your dad, just hoping you'll remember.
I sincerely feel for you. The road you are looking at walking is rough and full pf pitfalls. In my case, at the end I was so glad I did everything I could for my mom, even more than I thought I could at times. I know I got to a place with her in our relationship that I never would have otherwise. Of course your situation is different, but I believe the effort you are making will be worth it, even the missteps.
Even the most out-there rural communities usually have a four season indoor public pool (check for a YMCA) often with hot tub and sauna amenities (and if you're very fortunate, hoist chairs for...
Even the most out-there rural communities usually have a four season indoor public pool (check for a YMCA) often with hot tub and sauna amenities (and if you're very fortunate, hoist chairs for people who can't enter the pool using stairs). Hot tub access was a great way to connect with my dad, who suffered from painful muscle spasms after a stroke left him mostly wheelchair-bound. We could assist him in and out of swim trunks at home, and he'd wear loose Velcro-seamed track pants that he could handle in the locker room on his own. He did need attendance in the water, but it was still a help with the pain and an opportunity for him to feel less disabled and house-bound.
It sounds like your father might find more mobility in water helpful. My mother had horrific arthritis everywhere that was supposed to have left her wheelchair-bound. She started swimming and remained mobile and active almost until the day she died. I started going to a class at the local pool for my own health, and formed friendships with a group of older, mainly disabled folks in the class - it can be a point of social connection.
It's unfortunate, and I've heard it in many of the places I've visited, that churches are the main way for people to connect in small communities. But local libraries often have lectures, crafting/making events, club gatherings, and other activities in their meeting spaces. Check the library calendar and see if there's anything your father might find engaging.
Most U.S. rural communities are too small or lack the diversity to support UU, Quakers, or non-Western religious groups. I'm in a small city in the heart of a rural area, just large enough to...
Most U.S. rural communities are too small or lack the diversity to support UU, Quakers, or non-Western religious groups. I'm in a small city in the heart of a rural area, just large enough to support a UU congregation, a tiny synagogue, a Buddhist retreat, and an Eastern Orthodox Church, in addition to the usual Christian groups. But other towns in a 50+ mile radius have one church of each denomination - Baptist, Methodist or Lutheran, Catholic; and nothing else but government buildings as community gathering places. Maybe Elks, Masons, veteran's societies, and other clubs have facilities.
How are his fine motor skills? Things like wood burning, fly tying (fly fishing flies - even if he can't get out and use them himself, he he might be interested in learning about the different...
How are his fine motor skills? Things like wood burning, fly tying (fly fishing flies - even if he can't get out and use them himself, he he might be interested in learning about the different types or selling them), and other crafty things might be up his alley if he has creative interests. Paint by number, painting with Bob Ross... if he can get out of the house, birding on some accessible trails might be fun?
If his fine motor is not good then you might reconsider the wood burning. Your hands are very close to an extremely hot iron and a slow reaction speed will make any accidental burns worse.
If his fine motor is not good then you might reconsider the wood burning. Your hands are very close to an extremely hot iron and a slow reaction speed will make any accidental burns worse.
Bird watching. Okay, hear me out because my eyes rolled into the back of my head when first suggested. My father is not in a wheelchair but his knees kill him if walking for an extended period of...
Bird watching. Okay, hear me out because my eyes rolled into the back of my head when first suggested.
My father is not in a wheelchair but his knees kill him if walking for an extended period of time. With bird watching, you can walk or roll that wheelchair down a path and sit still until birds arrive. It started with silence but now we have conversations while waiting for birds. There are books and apps to help with identifying birds and the birds you find or hope to find make for good conversation starters.
There are often bird watching groups which make for a good source for your parents to make friends.
It's cheap, you arguably can do it without spending anything.
I just lost my dad this year and we were too far apart to really do much physically. My advice would be just a simple phone call. Make it part of a routine such as while your doing dishes or...
I just lost my dad this year and we were too far apart to really do much physically. My advice would be just a simple phone call. Make it part of a routine such as while your doing dishes or cooking. Just something that you do regularly so he can have a conversation to look forward to. Doesn't need to be a conversation about anything in particular, can be about the weather for all that matters. The important part is to give him something stable. From there, you can plan more involved activities.
For my parents, it was visitors, long drives to destinations that brought memories, restaurants/food they loved, television/music that they loved/remembered, and casinos.
For my parents, it was visitors, long drives to destinations that brought memories, restaurants/food they loved, television/music that they loved/remembered, and casinos.
I lost my dad a few years ago. Cancer. (Honestly I'm still not over it, not sure I ever will be 😞)
Before he passed away though, I took a day to watch a few movies with him. Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me and Rush Hour. Two movies I watched over and over with him when I was a teen. Maybe you guys had some movies you bonded over in the past?
I lost him not long afterwards but it was nice to hear him laugh a few more times before the end.
Miss you Dad. ♥️
Card games were always a go-to in my family. My grandpa and sisters could play euker or uno for hours.
After my stepfather died, for various reasons the most feasible plan was for my partner and I to build an addition to our house and have my mom move in. This brought a LOT of adjustments, a fair amount of emotional difficulties, but once she was diagnosed with cancer, it was definitely the best choice we could have made.
My mother wasn't an alcoholic but had a number of mental/psychological conditions that made connecting difficult. Here are just a couple of thoughts I had after reading your post:
I commend and completely understand your decision to spend time with him. It is a gift you are giving him, but he may not see it that way. He may be, at various times, put off that you are interrupting his routine, suspicious that you are judging him or threatening his independence, embarrassed or humiliated that he needs your help, angry that you weren't there all along. He may need time to adjust and to process. He may need time alone. I'd suggest going into it with a very open mind and flexible expectations. And give both of you lots of extra chances.
TV is something I barely pay attention to, but for my mom, some shows were like a second family. Especially when she had cancer, and the pain was so bad, melting into her shows was a serious relief for her. Maybe don't dismiss TV out of hand. I found that sitting with her while she was watching her shows provided an opportunity to be together, see her laugh, let her feel accepted, and also sometimes led to the chance to have meaningful conversations that grew naturally instead of being forced and confrontational.
As someone with intractable pain, I have noticed how easy it is for other people to forget about it, dismiss it or assume I'm used to it. You never get used to it. Not saying this is what you would do with your dad, just hoping you'll remember.
I sincerely feel for you. The road you are looking at walking is rough and full pf pitfalls. In my case, at the end I was so glad I did everything I could for my mom, even more than I thought I could at times. I know I got to a place with her in our relationship that I never would have otherwise. Of course your situation is different, but I believe the effort you are making will be worth it, even the missteps.
Even the most out-there rural communities usually have a four season indoor public pool (check for a YMCA) often with hot tub and sauna amenities (and if you're very fortunate, hoist chairs for people who can't enter the pool using stairs). Hot tub access was a great way to connect with my dad, who suffered from painful muscle spasms after a stroke left him mostly wheelchair-bound. We could assist him in and out of swim trunks at home, and he'd wear loose Velcro-seamed track pants that he could handle in the locker room on his own. He did need attendance in the water, but it was still a help with the pain and an opportunity for him to feel less disabled and house-bound.
It sounds like your father might find more mobility in water helpful. My mother had horrific arthritis everywhere that was supposed to have left her wheelchair-bound. She started swimming and remained mobile and active almost until the day she died. I started going to a class at the local pool for my own health, and formed friendships with a group of older, mainly disabled folks in the class - it can be a point of social connection.
It's unfortunate, and I've heard it in many of the places I've visited, that churches are the main way for people to connect in small communities. But local libraries often have lectures, crafting/making events, club gatherings, and other activities in their meeting spaces. Check the library calendar and see if there's anything your father might find engaging.
If someone goes the church route, Unitarians, Quakers and Buddhists don't require belief
Most U.S. rural communities are too small or lack the diversity to support UU, Quakers, or non-Western religious groups. I'm in a small city in the heart of a rural area, just large enough to support a UU congregation, a tiny synagogue, a Buddhist retreat, and an Eastern Orthodox Church, in addition to the usual Christian groups. But other towns in a 50+ mile radius have one church of each denomination - Baptist, Methodist or Lutheran, Catholic; and nothing else but government buildings as community gathering places. Maybe Elks, Masons, veteran's societies, and other clubs have facilities.
How are his fine motor skills? Things like wood burning, fly tying (fly fishing flies - even if he can't get out and use them himself, he he might be interested in learning about the different types or selling them), and other crafty things might be up his alley if he has creative interests. Paint by number, painting with Bob Ross... if he can get out of the house, birding on some accessible trails might be fun?
If his fine motor is not good then you might reconsider the wood burning. Your hands are very close to an extremely hot iron and a slow reaction speed will make any accidental burns worse.
Bird watching. Okay, hear me out because my eyes rolled into the back of my head when first suggested.
My father is not in a wheelchair but his knees kill him if walking for an extended period of time. With bird watching, you can walk or roll that wheelchair down a path and sit still until birds arrive. It started with silence but now we have conversations while waiting for birds. There are books and apps to help with identifying birds and the birds you find or hope to find make for good conversation starters.
There are often bird watching groups which make for a good source for your parents to make friends.
It's cheap, you arguably can do it without spending anything.
Best of luck!
I just lost my dad this year and we were too far apart to really do much physically. My advice would be just a simple phone call. Make it part of a routine such as while your doing dishes or cooking. Just something that you do regularly so he can have a conversation to look forward to. Doesn't need to be a conversation about anything in particular, can be about the weather for all that matters. The important part is to give him something stable. From there, you can plan more involved activities.
For my parents, it was visitors, long drives to destinations that brought memories, restaurants/food they loved, television/music that they loved/remembered, and casinos.