Surviving the winter
When I was a child I never seemed to mind the winter, but in the past two or three years it's become exponentially harder for me to live through the cold and dark. I'm dreading the next few months.
The lockdowns in March and April were pretty agonizing because I had too many responsibilities but suddenly none of the support systems I had built up in my friend groups. I got through that because it was slowly getting warmer and I could just go on a walk if I needed space. But it's started snowing this week and I don't know how well I'm going to manage for the rest of the season, with it getting dark at 4 PM and seeing so few people. I get caught up in my own head in these destructive patterns of anxiety about past friendships and relationships and obligations that are very hard to escape from around this time of year. I have a lot of hobbies but I can't do most of them right now, so I kind of just end of staring at the wall or my phone for half the day, feeling bad that I screwed up a relationship or said something weird 6 months ago or whatever. On repeat for every day. I have some friends in the area who I like a lot, but I'm a little scared to leave my house from what I hear about the virus on the internet. I've been trying to do phone calls sometimes but they kinda just burn me out and make me feel worse.
I'm wondering if anyone else has a recurring problem with the winter like I do. I'm not sure if this is a normal thing and I'm just naive and haven't figured it out, or if most people are automatically as happy in the winter as they are in the summer. I've brought this up sometimes with people irl and they say "haha yeah I have seasonal depression too," but they mostly seem to just not like the cold (?), it's not the issue of banal-yet-existential dread and torturous self-probing that I can't avoid. I have a very sweet cat who will keep me company, and she's a good listener, but she doesn't talk a lot and she's hiding in another dimension half the time anyway. I journal and meditate every night, and that helps a little, but I really mostly rely on being able to go to pretty places to keep myself happy, and it's hard to do that when they're all closed or when it's too cold to be outside for a long time. If people have any thoughts or experiences I would love to read them.
thank you xoxo
<raises hand> But you know what has really helped me with this problem in the last few years? It'll sound weird/silly, but it actually did work quite well for me; Light therapy.
After I mentioned having similar problems during winter to a friend from Sweden he recommended getting myself a light therapy lamp, which I had never heard of before but are apparently pretty commonly used in all the Nordic countries. So I bought myself a Verilux HappyLight which I have now been using for the last few years in the fall/winter while I do my daily meditation, and ever since then my mood has noticeably improved during those months.
You may also be experiencing seasonal affective disorder (SAD) like I was too, so you should consider getting a light therapy lamp for yourself, and giving it a try. Just note that it's not a silver bullet, and you have to commit to using it consistently to get any real benefit from it... which is why I worked it into my already established daily routine, rather than making up a completely new one for it.
Along those lines, possibly a vitamin D supplement. Of course, it's not a magic pill...but could help if lower sunlight levels are being experienced.
I also found myself watching reality TV the other day, which is weird because I think it's one of the worst forms of entertainment out there. I had the willpower to stop after an episode or two because it was actively making me irritated. I've also noticed myself redownloading some apps I used to have installed 7 or 8 years ago, mostly strange little games that I used to spend a lot of time playing. As I've been inside more and more I've fallen back into a few old habits in general, most of which I am neutral on, but some of which I don't like. Last night I watched someone play a video game on YouTube for like an hour, clearly staged. Somehow I was taken up by the mindlessness of it all. I did enjoy it, in a "haha imagine if I watched this for real haha" sort of way... but it kind of was me watching it for real, because I did find it entertaining. And 10 years ago I probably would have liked that video a lot, but I'm not that person anymore. I feel very little connection to my much younger self in general, so this resurgence of things I used to do is throwing me off a lot. I'm losing my ability to differentiate between my current and past identity. It's possible that not all of these things I'm revisiting are bad, but I have no way to gauge what I can trust.
It's as though I'm falling down an empty shaft and my body is spinning at a strange angle. A force is pulling me down and taking away a lot of my energy. In a hopeless attempt to regain that energy, I'm grabbing onto all the other objects falling around me, all of which I see at strange angles and in strange lights and moving in strange directions of their own. Every time I make a rotation, I lose some sense of what's happening and it becomes harder to tell what's actually spinning, what's in stasis, what's an object, and what I represent. To some degree it's become unclear if I'm falling or moving laterally, or not moving at all.
That's a remarkable anecdote... and something tells me you're absolutely right, I need to learn how to be bored. I honestly don't think I remember what it's like anymore, anxiety always comes rushing in the moment I'm no longer devoted to a task. I remember my coach telling me something similar a long time ago, although I completely ignored him at the time. I think I was and still am under the impression that time is running out and I need to do and learn as many things as I possibly can as fast as I possibly can, and that means being hooked in or doing something at least slightly productive all the time. I have not escaped this mindset in the slightest. Every day I wake up and immediately feel anxious because I have a list of tasks I need to complete, books I need to read, things I need to listen to, etc. I'm not sure what the end goal is. Maybe it's to become the Perfect Person, one who has absorbed so much information that I can talk about anything at any time, and has done so many things that I can see every perspective and can solve every problem. It's like a terrible completionist mindset, but for my actual life, not a video game. I am not exactly sure how I can drop this mindset because it feels like it's baked into my existence. School costs so much and I feel like I need to spend every moment making use of my time so that I haven't wasted anything. And I feel like my career path has so much of an expectation to know how to do everything, everything, everything, so if I'm "bored" then I'm doing something wrong. I don't know if I can get out of it?!
I don't know how to explain it. My past is my past, it's not who I am anymore. My current is myself now, it's what I identify with. I remember very little about my childhood, so within this mindset there is an inherent disconnect between little me and adult me. I have some memories, but not a lot. Most of what I do remember is because I wrote it down, or my family talks about it. Everyone else seems to remember so much more. My mother can name things that happened to her 40 years ago with near-perfect clarity: what it was like, how she felt, who people were. I know that's a little unusual, but I still feel like I'm so far on the other end of the spectrum. Memories get pretty fuzzy for me much faster, even if they were really important.
Some of this disconnect is also conscious. I do not like many aspects of my past selves; I am embarrassed, irritated, or resentful of them. As such, I try to avoid them altogether. I have also come to believe that some of it is a byproduct of trying to grow up too quickly, and intentionally allowing myself to forget more of the past.
So just thinking about my past selves in terms of time, I can break my past into a few sections. They are a little retrospective, but I definitely felt like there was a distinct "turning point" at the time, clear lines that delineated how my life operated before/after.
Past selves
So the way that I can distinguish between my past and current self is based on where a given habit, activity, belief, etc. falls on this timeline. If it has been superseded by a new version of myself then I do not associate with it.
Typically: if I remember something, it was real. If I felt good about it, it was me/my identity. That's it. I could trust anything in that category. I knew what I liked and I knew what I didn't like because the world was simple when I was younger; I was never led to dislike something that I did like because of social pressure, or depression, or anxiety, or for absolutely no reason at all. I could actually remember more or less everything that had happened to me life until I was around 11 (I distinctly remember remembering that I had this ability, or specifically I remember getting slightly older and realizing that I couldn't remember everything anymore).
However, in the past few years, I have felt distrustful of many of my earlier memories. There are inconsistencies that don't line up, I do things that fundamentally don't make sense. I find it easy to lie to myself and believe that something didn't happen, or happened a different way. (I am not a pathological liar though.) I do this constantly whenever I do something I later regret, I try to rewrite it in my own personal history. And usually I can do it successfully?! I only really trust what I've written down, but that's not good, because I only write a couple of things down a day so it's not really representative. And I also have a habit of changing or deleting my old journal entries if they're really bad, just because I can't have that being written down anywhere for someone to find (but also I just don't like looking at it, because I am a terrible narcissist). So then, even the known passes into the unknown.
Slow descent into madness
I feel extremely lost because more and more of my memories/identities are sliding into the unknown. I am not sure if I actually like the things I thought I liked, and so I'm not sure which "past self" they should be assigned to. I know I have a certain belief right now, right? Something fairly strong-held. But do I actually have that belief? It originated... semi-recently, it would seem, so I should be quite certain of whether or not I believe it. But I just don't know. It's not that I believed it then and changed my mind (which is my first instinct), it's that I'm not sure if I ever actually believed it in the first place; i.e. I was lying to myself the entire time without even realizing. I am really, really worried that many of my political beliefs in particular were never truly held, that I have been faking it this whole time and I am not actually woke or whatever. But also most of my preferences about hobbies. Do I really not like TV that much? Do I really not enjoy video games anymore? Do I really like partying? Do I really even like what I'm studying? (I seem to like it when I succeed at it and hate it otherwise.) Or am I like, peer pressuring myself into believing that I'm "growing out" of my past selves when in fact I have never truly left them? I don't feel like the past few years have been fake, I think I enjoyed what I was doing a lot. But am I just telling myself that so I don't feel like I've wasted 3 very important years, or however long??
The scariest one to me is this: do I like my friends? How do I know? Over a long period of time (usually a couple months, as short as a week) I can find myself swaying back and forth 2+ times with whether I really like or detest someone. Being in quarantine makes it easier for this to happen I guess, but it was still an issue in person. I am not bipolar, it's more like I just believe the last thing I was told, so if I hung out with a mutual acquaintance who likes this friend then I will like them more. And if I hang out with someone who doesn't like this friend, then I will start to like them less too. I hate this because it threatens my own individuality, it's like I'm back to that "pre-programmed machine code," responding to inputs and not thinking for myself. It just becomes confusing with friends who have passed in and out of my life, people who I'm not sure I like because I've gone from "I like them" to "I don't really like them" to "no actually I don't mind them at all, I was just in a bad mood" to "this person is going to drive me insane" and then back to "I legitimately do not mind being around them and I am certain of it," etc. This happens with some people I know from high school, but occasionally, also some more recent friends. And it also happens with romantic interests. That is truly terrifying, because I feel like when I have felt something approaching L*ve it should be much closer to the "trustworthy" side of things. I often experience crushes but I think I am less impulsive than my peers about going forward with this stuff. I know you can be misled by your body or whatever but I've really tried to think a lot about my partners beforehand and not jump into anything I don't like. But now I am doubting that entire assumption. I am doubting whether I actually have given it much thought at all. Perhaps I've been misleading myself this whole time and I really did dive into something I wasn't prepared for, and now I'm in a bit of a bind. Maybe I call a romantic interest and it's like we can't really talk, maybe I just got caught up in it all... and then I see them again irl and it's like they're my absolute favorite person in the world, I feel this outpouring of genuine affection and euphoric satisfaction with their presence? And repeat, this back and forth... and it happens all the time!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Reading @wedgel's comment, and having laid out how my little chart of past selves has apparently stopped working, I am not so sure if there is a distinction between all these selves anymore. Maybe it is all just "me." I am uncertain how to reconcile that with the fact that I really do not fucking like many of my past selves. Maybe I just need to stop being whiny and hold myself accountable for the fact that I used to be a real shithead, but that just feels impossible. Literally, physically impossible. My current self understands what the issue was and has probably thought/read about it to improve. So how do I... atone (?) for something I said, or did, or implied, or thought a long time ago? I do try to own up when I fuck up. But half of this stuff I can't apologize for because I don't even remember it that clearly, or it wasn't anything specific, or I never even vocalized it. Like, I haven't murdered anyone, I was just so flawed, so insecure, such a terrible human... I can say "I used to be a bad person" but what does that even mean? Is that holding myself accountable or is that just saying a bunch of meaningless words? And for the stuff that wasn't objectively bad, that I just didn't like about my old selves, how do I reconcile with that? I hate associating with it, how is it "me" if I hate hate hate it? I don't feel like I hate myself (??) so clearly it must be separate? (Or do I hate myself and I just don't want to admit it?)
How do I even tell? At a certain point, I don't know if I'm putting on a persona or if I'm really being me, so I don't know how they would know they accept me for who I am if they aren't even SEEING the real me! I have a few close friends who I would immediately jump to and say "Yeah, they know me for who I am, right?" but like, do they? Really? I neeeeever open up like this irl, it is just not possible to do it all at once. I do bits and pieces. I don't want to overwhelm my friends. Maybe the real me comes out when I'm absolutely gone (idk, cant remember) and they're okay with that, but I think that's probably still a persona and not the "real me." So I don't know if their existing acceptance is actually acceptance or just acceptance of what they like.
I guess that is all just what I was talking about before
I don't know
I just... wrote a lot of words. Which may or may not have any value. I think I just need to vent sometimes. You don't have to respond if you don't want to, or can't. Possibly all of those questions are completely unanswerable, or have already been answered and I just need to give it time. Although I do welcome continued advice :/ I am a bit of a wreck evidently, more than I thought I was
I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Thank you for writing a lot of words. I think venting stuff like this helps.
I too don't really see myself as the same person as when I was a kid. At least until I was about 12~ I had like nothing in common with me now. Maybe when I was like 18 is the first time I would actually consider as current me. And there are some things that stayed the same since I was a kid. But I was so different, that I feel like it wasn't really me. I always thought this might be common for people, but I never talked about this with anyone.
Good luck with everything.
I'm scared this winter. I have mild depression, am not currently medicated but have been to therapy for it and some other things. I've slowly built some coping habits and learned how recognize my own emotional patterns. It's hard, but I can usually keep it from getting worse, even if I cant make it better.
Winters are hard though, especially in the last 10 years or so. I've learned that I get a lot of my energy from being around friends or coworkers, it helps keep me from disappearing into my own head. So this year, is like a page from my worst nightmares. If it wasn't for zoom/discord, I would be royally fucked.
I have some bad days. Days where I can't think straight, where my mind orbits the same negative thoughts about the world. I find myself just watching YouTube or doomscrolling, which doesn't help at all. I hope it doesn't get too bad before we can get some widespread vaccinations going and I can plug myself back into society.
Thank you for this post.
I have seasonal depression too. It's real. It's so hard for me to focus on anything. All I want to do is keep my eyes closed. I depend a lot more on weed. I am ruining my personal relationships with people because my emotional state is too demanding/hard to cope with. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like the only way to explain it is to imagine that you're fighting for your life: you'd do just about anything to keep yourself alive. Imagine if it's your own brain/psyche you are trying to survive from. Does that make sense? I feel like that doesn't make sense. Yeah, that also happens when I'm depressed, I feel like I can't understand people and they can't understand me. I feel incoherent, incompetent, over-bearing, that I engage in more dangerous activities, that I can't stay awake, that life's has no purpose. I feel lonely, isolated and a pain to love.
It's horrible.
These are my go-to's, they slightly work for me sometimes: weed (not the healthiest habit), listen to music/try and find new music, try and exercise/move, reach out to people (that's tough because you don't want to feel like a burden), read, wash dishes/focus on cleaning 1 item (confidence booster so you don't feel useless/that you can't do anything), try a craft project. Some are really hard to do because of the lack of energy.
I hope my post doesn't come off as "too depressing". I've found that other people find me overwhelming.
Anyway, thanks for this post again. It helps to vent.
That makes sense to me. When I get into a bad state it's like I feel terrible about existing, "a pain to love" as you say. I seem to dissociate from my friendships, even my very closest ones, asking myself if anyone really likes me, or COULD even like me given how much of an absolute fucking idiot or self-aggrandizing asshole or hopelessly pathetic failure I am, and I just wait for it to all come crashing down. The worst feeling, the worst the worst the worst, is when my mind turns to past or potential relationships and I just want to scream into a pillow for a hundred years and shatter into a thousand pieces and dissolve and be forgotten for the rest of time. I get caught up in this idea that every mistake I've made there just proves more and more that "I can't understand people and they can't understand me," and I'm "incoherent, incompetent, over-bearing" and it was never worth it and will never be worth it and I'll never amount to anything. I think you describe it perfectly there. And of course whenever I do meet someone who makes my heart flutter, or have a good interaction with a friend, I'm taken out of this state for a short while, but it always seems to come back very quickly once I'm not in their company anymore, and now it has new ammunition. It's a very hard situation. I completely feel you.