wedgel's recent activity

  1. Comment on Have you had a life-altering change in who you are? in ~talk

    wedgel
    Link
    I wouldn't know where to start. I was raised mormon and was afraid of pretty much everything as a kid. Realized religion is bullshit as a teen, went to a ton of rock concerts alone (because I...

    I wouldn't know where to start. I was raised mormon and was afraid of pretty much everything as a kid. Realized religion is bullshit as a teen, went to a ton of rock concerts alone (because I didn't have any friends), at one I made a friend who became my bestfriend for thirty years. We did drugs. I loved LSD. And was no longer afraid of much and was an atheist.

    I found out I have epilepsy in a shitty way. I had a grand maul while driving on the freeway, and fractured the four lowest vertebrae. And after lots of rehab, and dropping out of college. I got to where I was moving around ok. But I wound up with a lot of anxiety issues. And the meds didn't agree with me and my neurologist was an old asshole, who lied in our meetings. And even said I had epilepsy because I have 36 deadspots in my brain. I have two deadspots in my left hemisphere, one the size of a nickle the other the size of a dime. 36.

    But because of that, I wound up back with lots of anxiety and the depression I had as a kid returned. I was no longer out going. And just recorded and mixed rock tunes and rotted at work for years.

    The anxiety slowly got worse over time, and alcohol was the only thing that effectively dealt with it. SSRIs barely took the edge off my depression and basically did nothing for my anxiety.

    I got accused of a crime I didn't commit. Which sent me spiraling. During which time I was diagnosed with PTSD. At that point I was a server and a kitchen manager at a steakhouse. And frankly, I was angry and burned the fuck out before the accusation. I had a complete nervous break down and quit. I got a new doctor and at the same time met a new girl. I went from being a huge nervous wreck to finding my spine again. Having fun and being adventurous. And she wound up proposing to me. I never thought I would get married, so it was really wierd.

    We wed, and after a few years. We moved to Sunnyvale, CA for her carreer. At this point I felt on top of the world. I had quit smoking and had gotten into shape. I was with someone I loved, who very much loved me. We were a team and everything had been going our direction for quite some time. And we were living somewhere with basically perfect weather, there were seasons, but they are mild. And I got back into hockey. It was great! Some days I still miss it.

    I was living my not quite but as close as I'll ever get to my ideal life, anxiety was gone again. No depression. The worste I felt was content, it was amazing. Until I had a cramp in my right calf. And I went to the hottub to work it out. Except it wasn't a cramp. It was a blod clot and I freed it. We were in the elevator going to back to our place, when I thought someone reached around me, it gave me the fucking creeps, fucking bad! It was really an awful feeling. And then I realized that it was my arm that I was reacting to. I cracked a joke about it to my now ex-wife. And she flipped out at me and told me to stop doing that. I didn't know what she was talking about. I had just cracked a joke and laughed. And then she went, 'oh fuck!'. And I said 'what? what the fuck?' and she said I needed to look into the mirror. We get to our place and she immediately drags me over to look in the mirror. And the right side of my face is drooping, it's like it wants to slide off. I'm in the middle of a stroke.

    She says that I really creeped her out in the elevator because I was making grunts and snorting sounds, with weird gutteral laughter, I thought I was talking and laughing.

    In the hospital, I get a bed, take some tests, and I'm lying there with an IV in my arm. I can't feel my hand. I notice that I can no longer feel it very well. I call the nurse, she comes in the room, and I voice my concern and she just says, 'it's nothing' and leaves. My hand starts feeling fuzzy and then slowly folds into a fist and my right arm slowly twists up. I'm freaked the fuck out as it's slowly becoming a fist. And since I'm guitarist, it might be the wrong hand, but I start doing the usual stim type guitarist thing of tapping fingers to my thumb in various patterns trying to keep it moving. The nurse still blows me off even though it's at half a fist and I can't open it all the way, [Fuck O'Connor Hospital in SJ].

    My wife's a badass and keeps all her fear, anxiety, and sadness when around me controlled. And is hanging out cracking jokes and just trying to distract me. My best friend, from the concert, he starts texting me one joke after another, for hours. Just a constanct barage of bad jokes. Which is great, anything to not just think about where I am.

    Afterwards, I get home with a tweaked arm and a hand that now has only one mode, fist. And a script for anticoagulents.

    The next week my wife's job sends her to S. Korea for four weeks for some sort of China, Japan... medical regulations training. And me with a hand that doesn't work and a fucked up head, spent a month all alone. I was video conferencing with my wife. And I was completely bat shit crazy. I was a fucking mess. And at one point she asked when I ate last. It was a struggle for me to figure it out. It had been six days. And that's when I found out that my stroke destroyed my sense of hunger.

    It took a few months but I got my arm back. And my hand mostly back, sadly it will never be the same. In fact, after spending months getting to where I could open my hand a not be in a fist. I no longer could make one. So I had to train myself to make a fist again too. It's permanently fucked up. And I stretch and do excersizes to keep my right hand working like it does these days. Which overall isn't too bad.

    But my anxiety, my self esteem, my world collapsed. I lost my swagger. I lost my interest in life. And I became depressed. I did my best to have fun. And I love the bay area, so I did have a lot of fun. Going to Sharks games, and to Great America and shit. But my legs had been cut out from under me. And I was really struggling with finding who I was, where I always knew before that.

    That ultimately led to my wife divorcing me. And doing so in a really shitty way. She wanted to redo our honeymoon for our tenth anniversary. Two weeks before she says she has a friend going on a road trip and would rather do that. So she spent our tenth anniversary on a road trip with someone else. Talk about losing my swagger, ego, confidence, and pretty much everything else. I never would have let that happen if I hadn't. But that was the end of my marriage.

    And after losing my marriage. I became a lost, confused, broken man. Who needed to a reboot. I moved to Tampa, where my brother lives. Got a job as a mail carrier. With the divorce wrapping up, my exwife says I should get checked for autism. Well, the last couple years of my marriage, having lost my ego and spine with the stroke. I was no longer the person she fell in love with. Which is sad, but understandable. But instead of just accepting how she felt and moving on. We spent a couple years where she was rewriting our history so she could discard me guilt free. And I got gaslit, during the years of these revisions. It got to the point she was trying to get me to get checked out for early onset alzheimers.

    So when she said I should get checked for autism. On the one hand, nobody knew me better than her. On the otherhand, I can't trust her and I don't know if she is basically calling me names.

    I decide to get assessed, that way I won't waste my time debating it. At the last minute, I take on an ADHD and I don't know why. I've never even remotely had any inkling of having adhd. But I'm glad I did. My assesment came back AuDHD.

    I was overly open at that work. And after being sent to help someone else out because I was done early. I got called back to the place I picked up mail from her. Paramedics had her on oxygen and strapped to the board. I supposedly had an accident with her and left the scene, and I was told the union wouldn't defend me. So I lost my job.

    Then a couple weeks later I see my psych for the first time. And she gives me adderall ir. And upon taking it, I can't argue about having ADHD. for the first time ever, my head was quiet. I always have 1-3 songs playing at the same time. But there was no noise, just the constant narrator, only without all the other chaos, my brains narrator was actually whispering. It was really weird.

    So I'm back to finding my legs. I hate that I have to start over in life at 48. I have pretty much nothing. That I helped my exwife push her carreer, while neglecting my shit. And now I make poverty wages and she makes over 160,000 a year. That hurts. And it's weird finding out all those years of anxiety and depression, most of that shit was caused by having ADHD and understimulation. My god I wish I had known thirty years ago.

    5 votes

  2. Comment on What is it like to have both ADHD and autism? in ~health.mental

    wedgel
    (edited )
    Link
    Hi Hi. I have been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, and Epilepsy. I have also been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a myriad of other things. Most of which were related to having...

    Hi Hi. I have been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, and Epilepsy. I have also been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a myriad of other things. Most of which were related to having AuDHD but not knowing it, since I was diagnosed at 47. And I only got the diagnosis because my exwife said I should get tested for Autism, I wasn't sure if she was just slinging mud. But rather than think about it and let it fuck with me, which is what I thought her intentions were, I got assessed. And at the last minute, I randomly added an ADHD assessment to the list. I never thought for a minute I had ADHD. But Aspberger's, I had heard that I probably have it before. I didn't know that had become part of Level 1 needs autism, and that aspergers isn't a diagnosis anymore.

    I can't stand talking on the phone. I hate it. I can't read people without looking at them. And it's stressful, trying to pay attention on the phone. I can't do it worth a shit, I have no idea what people are saying a lot of the time unless I'm pacing.

    I was the creepy guy growing up. And I was pissed when I found out, I was that guy, because I didn't understand personal space and stood too close to people. I took one step back and that pretty much ended me being a creep.

    I also had it drilled into me as a kid that you look people in the eye when you talk to them. So I was mad when I found out that that's not exactly true and I had been staring people down all the time, instead of showing respect.

    I mixed up depression and boredom for decades. And have been on various SSRI's that basically did nothing because the depression was really my brain screaming for me to mix things up and give it stimulation. But the autistic side of me finds comfort in routine, not always, but as a general rule. The problem being that becomes understimulating. And when my brain is understimulated I feel depressed. But when that becomes an ongoing thing, my brain becomes more sensitive to stimuli because it's so desperate for it. And as it becomes more sensitive to make up for the lack of new stimulus, I get anxiety. It's like slowly turning up the volume on a microphone, eventually there's just so make racket and feedback that you no longer can make sense of anything being said into it. And since anxiety makes it harder to experience new things, this makes both the depressed feeling and the anxiety much worse. And it is a horrible loop that cycles and feeds anxiety and depression, until I either lose it and fuck shit up, have a breakdown and fuckshit up, or life takes an interesting turn and I fuckshit up on accident. I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of this. As well as severe depression, many times. And I felt like an idiot when I realized I spent decades dealing with depression, that was really understimulation.

    It was a trip the first time I took Adderall IR. That was when I knew I had ADHD. I never thought about it. It was weird being diagnosed with combined ADHD. But after taking Adderall for the first time, holy shit. I sat on the floor for two hours amazed... for the first time in my life I didn't have a song playing in my head, sometimes I get up to three at the same time. My mind which I've always known, all the sudden was silenced. The chaos and the music was gone. All that was left was the constant talking of the narrator of my thoughts. Only with all the noise and choas silenced, the voice of the narrator was actually whispering. It was really weird. And I say there for two hours. Just peacefully sitting with my thoughts, listening to them whisper.

    I get exhausted by most social situations. But I need to be social to be happy. And some social situations actually energize me, but most are draining and I need some alone time to recoup. So it's a bit of a balancing act, that is always slightly off.

    My daily life is pretty much ick right now. I'm wrapping up getting over a divorce, and I lost my job as a mail carrier. So basically, I'm now working a shitjob for poverty wages and I'm trying to figure out how to start a new life at 48.

    I wake up. Check my stocks. Usually work on a mix, since I'm taking a course on mixing audio. Then I eat breakfast, make lunch and go to work. Before I go to work to take my meds, Carbamazapine XR, and Adderall IR. I keep my keys, wallet, ecig, and shokz in small box by the door, so I don't lose them. I grab them and my lunch, and head to work.

    At work. I either have very little to do and try and find places to hide, or I'm buried. The last few days it's been burried. After work, I go home, eat something. And take a bath and screw around until I fall asleep. My days, right now are really boring. But my work is chaotic half the time and my boss sucks, I'm not paid enough to give a shit. I'm currenly looking for a new job but my work history isn't great.

    I use a little notepad type app that has a homescreen box to keep notes on for work and just for life. I forget stuff a lot, especially if I don't really care. So I jot a lot shit down on my phone so I don't forget it.

    I found if I need to be functional using a dry erase board to keep track of things and due dates, is the best way to go about it. Plus when you're done there is something really satisfying erasing it from an actual physical board.

    Sometimes, I journal to get crap out of my head. I actually have three journals. The third one I started, as a way to keep track of work shit because I feel I'm being set up. So I have every interaction with my boss. What I did that day. It's over the top. But I got fucked at my last job and it was my carreer, so......

    9 votes

  3. Comment on What's something you've been mulling over recently? in ~talk

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    Thanks man. That cracked my shit up.

    Thanks man. That cracked my shit up.

    1 vote

  4. Comment on What's something you've been mulling over recently? in ~talk

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    Wow! That was an amazing reply. Thank you!

    Wow! That was an amazing reply. Thank you!

    1 vote

  5. Comment on What's something you've been mulling over recently? in ~talk

  6. Comment on What's something you've been mulling over recently? in ~talk

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    The pay is garbage but I'm starting over, so it's expected. Things at home are ok, I no longer have a spouse. Thank you. Some advice would be great. It's been a long time since I've dealt with...

    The pay is garbage but I'm starting over, so it's expected. Things at home are ok, I no longer have a spouse.

    Thank you.

    Some advice would be great. It's been a long time since I've dealt with shit like this. And where I'm on the spectrum I tend to be a little too honest. So it would be great to have an idea of what character to play to simplify things and not be buried with toxic bullshit before I can get out.

    5 votes

  7. Comment on What's something you've been mulling over recently? in ~talk

    wedgel
    Link
    After a chain of terrible events, I finally got a job. The pay is terrible but my employment history is terrible as I was a stay at home spouse after having stroke. Anyway, I've been at the new...

    After a chain of terrible events, I finally got a job. The pay is terrible but my employment history is terrible as I was a stay at home spouse after having stroke.

    Anyway, I've been at the new job for a little over a week and my boss is the most toxic motherfucker I have ever worked for. He is from Columbia, and while his english is better than my spanish I have a hard time understanding what he is talking about a lot of the time. He gave me the wrong key to the building, and when I brought it up, I was accused of losing the key. Even though it was in his hand. I pointed it out and he kept saying it was the wrong the key, not the key he gave me, it has an engraved 'A' in it. And when I pointed that out, he went off that someone stole it.

    We have a trailer at work. Everything is in pretty much disarray as he prides himself for being underbudget. Uggg! Well the Bearring locked up on the trailer, so I am being blamed for that. Yeah, that's likely. I didn't bother argue.

    He then had a big meeting when he showed pictures to everyone on his phone and shamed a fellow employee in front of everyone for doing a halfassed job. This person has been there 17 years and is basically a level 2 needs ASD.

    That was within about forty five minutes yesterday. The job doesn't pay shit but it's really easy and really laid back, but only when he's not around. I'm the night manager, I didn't apply for that position. But I took it out of desparation. And while I have a work history with management on it, I have AuDHD and don't really like managing and telling people what to do.

    I'm wondering how best to set myself up to not be treated like shit.

    And what is the least amount of time to hold a job on a resume that doesn't look like hot garbage?

    Thank you.

    12 votes

  8. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (April 2023) in ~health.mental

    wedgel
    Link
    It's been a bit rough. Lots of ups and down. My wife kicked me out and filed for divorce five months ago and we finalized last week. I lost pretty much everything but my car. We just have the...

    It's been a bit rough. Lots of ups and down. My wife kicked me out and filed for divorce five months ago and we finalized last week. I lost pretty much everything but my car. We just have the final transfer of settlment funds, she makes way more than I do, and then we're done. She transferred 10 bucks into my account to see if it goes through. It did today, so i talked to her and she said she would send the rest of the money I'm owed. And while I could really use the money, I do very much miss her and my cats, it is the true ending of out 13 year relationship. I thought I was about over it. But I'm crying almost like I'm starting grieving all over again. it sucks. I wish her the best and have no ill will. There was no cheating on either side, it just has been a weird disfunctional relationship for a long time.

    8 votes

  9. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2023) in ~health.mental

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    If you're having really bad panic attacks, talk to your doctor. I have autism and anxiety and just had my script changed from Xanax to Klonopin. I don't take the shit often and when I do I usually...

    If you're having really bad panic attacks, talk to your doctor. I have autism and anxiety and just had my script changed from Xanax to Klonopin. I don't take the shit often and when I do I usually bite it in half but it's great to have around as needed. Good luck Lou.

    3 votes

  10. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2023) in ~health.mental

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    Thanks Lou, that's amazing. I just had a conversation with my future exwife, just waiting for finalizing. And Wow! Thank you.

    Thanks Lou, that's amazing. I just had a conversation with my future exwife, just waiting for finalizing. And Wow! Thank you.

    3 votes

  11. Comment on What is your opinion of snuff tobacco? in ~hobbies

    wedgel
    Link
    I used to use rasspberry menthol. It would open my sinuses and everthing smelled great. It's been a few years though.

    I used to use rasspberry menthol. It would open my sinuses and everthing smelled great. It's been a few years though.

    2 votes

  12. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2022) in ~health.mental

    wedgel
    Link
    Wow, I'm not doing great. So my wife is done with me. I have been a house husband for many many years. I'm now a friendless, homeless, broke, and jobless 50 year old. My world has shattered. I...

    Wow, I'm not doing great. So my wife is done with me. I have been a house husband for many many years. I'm now a friendless, homeless, broke, and jobless 50 year old. My world has shattered. I cycle betweeen horrible depression and being terrified. I truly don't know how to handle this. I'm a fucking mess.

    5 votes

  13. Comment on What are the top five software apps you benefit the most from? in ~tech

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    I wasn't aware of Sublime text. Downloading it now. Thank you.

    I wasn't aware of Sublime text. Downloading it now. Thank you.

    1 vote

  14. Comment on What are the top five software apps you benefit the most from? in ~tech

    wedgel
    Link
    I mostly use my computer for watching shows and making noise. So here's a top 4 list of the audio software I use the most with the video player I usually use. Studio One - Audio recording...

    I mostly use my computer for watching shows and making noise. So here's a top 4 list of the audio software I use the most with the video player I usually use.

    • Studio One - Audio recording software. I started back with Cakewalk ProAudio in the 90's and have used most DAWs. For audio recording I find S1 has the most compatible workflow to how I think. S1 struggles with lots of midi tracks though (large orchestral templates over roughly 80 tracks).

    • Izotope Ozone, Neutron, and Neuron- Fantastic multi-effects/ Mastering multi-effects for audio. For individual effects I prefer Fabfilter, especially their EQ Pro Q3.

    • BIAS FX2 - The best sounding guitar multi-effects app I've found so far.

    • East West Hollywood Orchestra - Orchestral Synth. The sounds are kinda old but they updated the player. For the price point you can't get a better deal. Tons of instruments, an orchestrator, and it sounds really good for scoring. It's only competition at this price point is Spitfire Audio's BBC Orchestra. Which I have as well. It's more geared towards classical, has less instruments, and in Spitfire fashion, the delays for when a note starts are not consistent. And the horns are a bit soft as well.

    • MPV - a simple open source video player

    4 votes

  15. Comment on Meet the covid super-dodgers in ~health

    wedgel
    Link
    My wife brought it home from a work trip last week. I'm still getting over it. On the one hand I'm suprised it took this long to get. On the other hand it's pretty annoying I didn't do anything...

    My wife brought it home from a work trip last week. I'm still getting over it. On the one hand I'm suprised it took this long to get. On the other hand it's pretty annoying I didn't do anything interesting to get it. As a plus the horrible fucking arthritis pain the vaccines gave me aren't a part of this, so that's nice.

    3 votes

  16. Comment on Thor: Love And Thunder comes under fire for queerbaiting in ~movies

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    I'm pretty sure that was Ron Desantis posturing. Since right of the gates it would end up moving over a billion dollars of debt over to the county. Disney said this outright and said the ball was...

    I'm pretty sure that was Ron Desantis posturing. Since right of the gates it would end up moving over a billion dollars of debt over to the county. Disney said this outright and said the ball was in the state's court, I've heard nothing since.

    2 votes

  17. Comment on Should I quit smoking right now, or wait? in ~health

    wedgel
    Link
    You're better off quiting, the sooner the better. The longer you smoke the harder it is to quit. I smoked heavily for over twenty years and quiting was no fun. I was dizzy as fuck from getting...

    You're better off quiting, the sooner the better. The longer you smoke the harder it is to quit. I smoked heavily for over twenty years and quiting was no fun. I was dizzy as fuck from getting more oxygen than I was used to, that lasted four or five days. I was exhausted but on edge for weeks. My sense of taste change, a lot of foods just tasted like weird ass chemicals. And everything smelled like shit, I cannot stress this enough as it lasted for about two years (I was abusing prescription nasal spray at one point trying to deaden it for fucks sakes.) I'm a firm believer that anyone who tells you how great getting your sense of smell back has never experienced it.

    Anyway, don't be like me quit sooner than later. As far as vaping goes, that's a good idea. Just be aware that there are two types of nic, your old style box mod style vapes and you pod style vapes. The pod style use salt nic base and the mod style usually don't. Salt nic hits more like actual cigs where the old standard vg, pg, nic base doesn't. Salt nic is also a lot more addictive. So If you're trying to get off of nicotine I would recommend avoiding salt nic type vapes. Good luck.

    5 votes

  18. Comment on What are your failed hobbies? in ~hobbies

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    I pretty much did the same. I wound up putting Rasbian OS on it and a little program to randomly play mp4s, so I could sleep easier in hotels. It's been sitting in a box since the pandemnic started.

    I pretty much did the same. I wound up putting Rasbian OS on it and a little program to randomly play mp4s, so I could sleep easier in hotels. It's been sitting in a box since the pandemnic started.

    2 votes

  19. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (March 2022) in ~health.mental

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    I hadn't even thought about calling his parents, which I haven't decided if I will or not. But I do think that that's a good option. I wonder if they still have a home phone, I still remember the...

    I hadn't even thought about calling his parents, which I haven't decided if I will or not. But I do think that that's a good option. I wonder if they still have a home phone, I still remember the number. Your experience was very helpful and not just in a small way. So fucking thank you.

    3 votes

  20. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (March 2022) in ~health.mental

    wedgel
    Link Parent
    Wow, thank you for this. It really hits close to home. Thank you.

    Wow, thank you for this. It really hits close to home. Thank you.

    3 votes