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What did your parents do right?
I'm curious to know what you think your own parents (or the people who raised you) did right. What actions, mindsets, or philosophies did they operate by that had a positive effect on you? What techniques of theirs would you use with your own children? What important lessons did they teach you?
I think the best thing my mother did was actually something she didn't do. She didn't really put a cap on my computer, and later Internet, usage. This allowed me to go on Wikipedia binges, actually learn English, start experimenting with programming, etc. Thanks to all that and some other twists of fate I am now a middle-class (by the Russian standards that is) software engineer with a fairly good-looking future. I guess the moral of the story is “give the kid a freedom to learn and tinker”.
Yeah, me too. My mom complained about it my entire childhood but she never took steps to counter it. No way I would've ever learned as much and have as many interests as I do right now, and I'm currently studying Computer Science, which I probably wouldn't be if I hadn't had such free access to it. Also means I've gotten to see the internet evolve first hand from around 2005 to its current day, and that's been quite a ride. :)
Do you think that this freedom is fundamentally something all kids should have, or do you think it worked for you individually based on your character/personality/temperament?
There are clearly no one-size-fits-all solutions, but, as President Medvedev once masterfully said, “freedom is better than unfreedom”. I think parents should definitely have a moral authority over children, that is telling them when they did something wrong and applying (non-violent) punishment. Protection from all sorts of hazards is also important, just don't over-do it. But besides that, just let the kid be.
Two big things stick out to me, as being crucial towards my development into the person I am today; they encouraged my desire to read from a very young age, and they indulged my childhood curiousity without ever pulling the "because I said so" or "I don't know/don't want to talk about it so I'll make something up" cards.
I got my first library card when I was 10 or 11, and we would take frequent trips to the library where I would peruse the shelves for ages or talk with my favorite YA-Librarian about our favorite books and authors. I feel that my voracious appetite for stories helped me to develop in my creative thinking, and become the Analyst I am today. As a bonus, my view of the world has been widened and I've become more empathetic towards peoples struggles or behavior. Where some people may criticize, I'm more like to say: "maybe they're having a hard time right now" or "well, that's just another way to be."
By never forcing any views upon me or snuffing out that flame of curiousity, I've never stopped learning or even wanted to stop. I keep reading, or talking, and learning more about everything that is in this world from history and economics to the nature of reality and the hearts of human beings. I try not to let my current understanding or assumptions stop me from learning alternative points of view, regardless of veracity, because they may hold some value for myself or society in some way.
I'm only in my mid/late-20's right now, and I hope that I have many decades coming my way to keep going down this road. At this point in my life, I think that if there is any meaning to life then it is to develop and grow as a person, to the best of your ability. I don't know if there's something after death, but if there is some kind of judgement on my life I find it difficult to think I've been living mine poorly thus far.
Sometimes I look at people who I went to school with who seemed to have stopped growing after graduation, or elderly people who seem to have done the same, and I feel a little sad. The world is a fascinating place filled to the brim with wonderful people, and I wish everyone could see that. But it's not my place to judge, and well, that's just another way to be.
My parents raised me with an allowance from a very early age; 1$ per week per grade level. Starts off small, accumulates into something workable with planning and saving. And that's precisely why I think it was really helpful; learning how to save and spend when it's only 20 dollars on the line is far safer than trying to do it when it's $2000 dollars, like some of my friends are learning in university are currently learning. I think learning how to handle money at an early age is a really useful skill for children to gain.
I had the same thing since middle school. Now even in the last year of Uni I see people struggling with their finances and having to reply on those savings apps, never having earned allowances and subsequently not being used to saving.
The best thing my mother did was enroll me in some sort of education project at the local library, and it was pre-kindergarten which, looking back on it, seems very, very strange. That had to be like 1981-83. We were learning to read, and there were also movies and discussions about the books and the films, probably 20 kids total, at the tiniest local library branch you can imagine. I kept going to that for several years, well into grade school. It was a blast.
I was reading and enjoying Lord of the Rings (not the Hobbit) at age 7 thanks to that, and light years ahead of everyone else at school in English. I burned through every Hardy Boys book, then Nancy Drew, then all the choose-your-own-adventure books. I took a detour with Jack London and Jim Kjelgaard for a while, and then I got into Fantasy for like an eternity... David Eddings, Melanie Rawn, Piers Anthony, etc - the most horrid pop-fantasy tripe I can't stand anymore.
I burned out on fantasy 1/3 of the way through Game of Thrones the year it was published, and then it was on to all the scifi I could get. Then it was on to horror, King and Koontz and Barker.. I remember being pissed at my high school library because there was nothing left in it I hadn't read yet and I was bored in class without a book to distract me from the endlessly repetitive lectures.
I started ordering Watermill Classics in paperback by the dozen because they were like a buck each for the unabridged versions if you were a kid in a school book club. I'd take my allowance/paycheck (I worked for mine) to Waldenbooks. I remember how freaked out my friends were that I would walk in there and drop $40 a week on paperbacks. I can still finish a 200 page novel in less time than it takes to watch the movie adaptation of that novel. I've even proved that on a bet before. :D
It's like my brain can just ingest an entire paragraph without actually reading it. I have no fucking idea how that happened or why it works, but it's a damn handy skill to have. In college I learned I didn't know fuck-all about tenses and predicates and the like - but I do just know when sentence structure, tense, or spelling is wrong. I've simply seen them all so many times it's burned into my head. I did keep my copy of the Borzoi Handbook and Elements of Style just in case I ever decide to get serious about writing someday.
So much reading is likely why I'm near-sighted. I've spent more time looking at the space 2 feet in front of my head than at anything/anywhere else since practically kindergarten. Worth it.
I'd definitely take the same tact with my own kids and get them into reading at an early age - and not staring at a screen watching random garbage on youtube. I was reading about things other kids my age couldn't even fit into their heads.
Same here. Although, I did get some insight into the formal side of language during my high school French classes.
Occasionally, someone will ask how to improve their writing, their grammar, or their spelling. What classes should they take? What textbooks should they study? What websites should they learn from? I always say: "Read!" Just read. Read a lot of proper English writing. It doesn't matter whether it's news articles or novels. Just read. Read well-written English, see how it's down, and you'll absorb how to do it properly.
I have a pet theory on this, actually.
When I was growing up we were not formally taught syntax and grammar in school, but I was able to internalize most of it simply by my exposure to text. It wasn't until college, when I took formal courses in it, that I could finally put a name to a lot of the more technical aspects of language. I knew how to do things correctly before then, I just couldn't tell you what they were or why they were right.
I'm now a teacher, and so many of my students have straight up awful syntax and grammar. Even my strongest students will have loads of run-on or incomplete sentences in their writing. When I point them out, they are usually unaware that there's even an issue.
Here's my pet theory: there isn't anything significantly different between me and my students, brain-wise. It's not that I had a better aptitude for this stuff or anything. The main difference is that the texts that I read had always been formally edited whereas the texts my students read have not been through an editor.
I grew up before the internet was really widespread, and even when I did start using it I didn't really do a ton of reading on it. Instead, nearly everything I read already had its errors corrected. Books, magazines, newspapers, etc. All of them were created by formal writers and vetted by formal editors with a strong command of the language.
On the other hand, my students primarily read unedited text. The bulk of their reading is social media. They text each other and chat on Xbox. Their language input isn't edited texts from professional writers but raw texts from their peers. Also, some of the language conventions are different depending on the medium. For example, it's common on tumblr and in chat apps to not capitalize the beginnings of sentences or punctuate the ends. Many of my students write at length like this, and don't understand that they shouldn't in an academic piece. They'll go back and fix it in the editing phase, but only if I bring it up, and even then it's more out of compliance than a fundamental belief in its purpose. Why should they fret about capitalizing sentences when 50% of what they read never aligns with that convention in the first place?
I don't have data or studies to back this up, but I strongly suspect it's true. I also think the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. Linguistic prescriptivists are already seen as stuffy and out of touch, and it's true that language is malleable and fluid. I strongly suspect that over the next few generations we'll see a dramatic shift in how language is used and what rules "matter" given how the internet has fundamentally changed the way people interact with text.
I wouldn't bet against that hypothesis. Have you read what passes for published fiction lately? I've opened books to read that have made a lot of money on publishing sites - and not just self-published - only to have my eyes assaulted by broken language so fucked up that it would have held a child back a grade in the 80s/90s.
I can't even imagine the special kind of hell that editors must be living in now.
My boyfriend's daughter has these books. They're cute, something about a dog who's a policedog or something. Comic book structure. She was reading them out loud and I was looking over her shoulder and there's like, intentionally misspelled words? Terrible grammar? I was wondering how that can possibly be good for a kid. Why teach them wrong?
She's in second grade. I was a voracious reader in second grade, and my parents didn't believe in bringing me to the library or buying me books. I got my mom's hand me down books, I remember being pulled into the hall in second grade and scolded for reading Stephen King's It after I finished a test.
Because I had such crappy parents, I don't feel qualified to give child rearing advice. But the cute misspelled dog books and the like, they rub me the wrong way.
From a young age my parents taught us how to everything. They were building our family home from the time I was born until I was about twelve or so (having carpet in the hallway was a big deal.)
Even at a young age I could install light switches, fix most plumbing, and really figure out how anything was built and could be repaired.
I didn't realize this was special until I was much older and was fixing stuff at people's homes. Just a few weeks ago I was at a party. While doing some dishes I noticed that their faucet was loose, so I tightened it up. I then noticed that some of their drawers were loose... and a few cupboards were crooked. It doesn't take a lot of time or effort, but its little things like this that they got me started on.
I think the biggest thing for me is that I don't blame other people for anything in my life. I can tell it came from my parents because I see my sisters handle situations very similarly. You can get upset about a particular circumstance but 98% of the time, blaming others will get you no where. I thought I'd see people do this less as I got older but of course people still do it into old age. Even if you find yourself in a situation that you had no part in creating, the worst thing I think you can do is start pointing fingers. To me it's a gross trait for a person to possess.
They taught me curiosity, scepticism and honesty. They did not teach me hate, racism, sexism, and the viles of a patriarchal society, all of which abound in different portions in all levels of culture in Turkey where I'm born and I still live. My mom isn't and my late dad wasn't a highly educated (both are high-school graduates, no higher ed), and they're both from very humble backgrounds, so they had all the "excuses" to have chosen to be usual bigots, but they haven't. Thanks to them I grew up honest and respectful and loving, both to myself and to other people, and with and an open mind and lots of curiosity.
Mine is perhaps a bit different from what you're expecting: they did things so badly that I learned what not to do when I reached adulthood.
They were terrible with money. Rather than paying off a car in full and keeping it maintained, they would frequently trade in for different ones, ensuring that we always had car payments to manage. My dad got a dirt bike at one point, throwing more debt onto the pile, and it was repossessed shortly after. Credit card debt was a problem we ran into, leading to bankruptcy and demolished credit. Cheap dollar store crap was constantly being bought and replaced, causing us to spend more money than would have been spent if we'd bought things that were good rather than things that were cheap. Money was constantly being wasted on junk food. Every tiny little thing added up to the point that we frequently faced utility shut-off notices.
Work ethic was shit. My mom always had my brother and I doing things for her instead of taking care of those things herself, and my dad enabled my brother and I to do nothing productive. I ended up watching my brother gradually become a useless layabout who knew he could get away with not doing chores because they would then be handed off to me. My work ethic was pretty much non-existent for a long time, too, but I was fortunate enough to manage to break away from that.
They had poor emotional control. My mom especially. I learned really quickly that people yelling at one another is damaging for the people around them, and that you shouldn't be so damn quick to get pissed off at people.
They weren't very reliable. If they said "a few minutes", that could means "a few hours". If you asked to be somewhere by a certain time, you could find yourself leaving at said time rather than arriving by said time.
In general, their parenting styles just weren't great at all. My mom was such a control freak that I couldn't even go out and make friends during the time in my life where it was most critical, and my dad was such a hands-off parent that he would let you do pretty much anything you wanted behind my mom's back. Also a pretty clear indicator that their ability to manage relationships was also shit.
Just a few examples there. I love them, but they really didn't know what they were doing. At all. They still don't. Without meaning to, they taught me to learn from the mistakes of my predecessors and to avoid repeating those mistakes myself.
They taught me manners and fostered my interests.
No, I grew up in orphanages, fostercare and in the streets. 2 alcoholic parents