26
votes
How do you make yourself appear more approachable?
My face is slightly asymmetrical, and one side of my lip points up, so it looks like I am smirking at people. At least, this is my theory as to why people feel uncomfortable around me without getting to know me first. But maybe it's something else entirely, or a combination. How can I make myself more approachable / likable? My work is in a field where I need to communicate with others often.
The idea of faking smiles and acting overly friendly pains me, but if it's the only way I'll do it.
I have a severe case of resting bitch face, to a point where people have come up to me and asked if I'm mad at them and if it's some thing they said. I also have a deep voice and an accent so it's sometimes hard for me to talk clearly. So I definitely feel you.
When making first impressions the things that you should look out for are what people notice about you immediately.
This includes your posture, clothing, facial expression, voice, hygiene, and demeanor.
What doesn't matter as much are things like: Personality, interests, and to a certain extent the words that you are saying.
So to be approachable you should:
Final thing is to not beat yourself up too much, most people I know (including myself) are not really good at being approachable in strange environments. Most people are not very friendly when they are surrounded with people they don't know, It's completely normal.
Just to expand on this: wear colours! Cut black out of your wardrobe for the most part, it's not as easy of a colour as people assume it is anyway.
Clothing can send important subconscious signals about approachability. I can easily see the difference when I'm wearing colours one day and a darker, more muted outfit the next day in terms of how readily strangers will approach me or respond to me.
I'm not saying you have to dress like a clown, just wearing one bright colour is fine. Add some pop to your outfits. I'm a big fan of colour blocking, where you wear big, bold swaths of colour that aren't in the neutral tone—this even includes forest green or rich brown pants (as opposed to the standard hues, or tan). They're still rather safe, darker hues but they're relatively uncommon colours for pants so they pop a little more.
... what exactly can you do about that?
Maybe fuzzy was the wrong word, I meant unkempt/frizzy hair.
Preface: I have almost no social awareness. I'm in my head and I try to be competent, but I'm simply clueless as to what the people around me think about me. Especially when it comes to communication and how I'm being received, but even when I'm joking or getting a little animated while playing games with friends. Clueless.
I work in college physics. I'm the demonstration guy, not a PhD. I struggle with imposter syndrome a lot. Like, "one of these days, they're going to find out I'm faking it... just copying other people... not innovating... and that will be that." Fear does this. This is not real. I still think it.
One of the most important things I do scares the hell out of me. Here it is: I go to each professor I work in daily contact with (6 - 8 people, depending on the semester), and I sit down and invite any and all criticism, specifically as relates to how effectively I am communicating with them. I do this about half-way through each semester.
I get panic attacks midway through the meetings, even though I've never had a bad meeting. It's that scary for me. It's also probably the one thing I do that gives me great confidence to be myself and keep doing what I think is best. It's really good to know that someone is 100% cool with how we get along. It's not always the case, but it really is the norm. It's great to have concrete proof that the doubts in my head are ONLY in my head.
Also, I'm guessing (see opening line) it's made my relationships with all of them stronger. I've gone to them and openly laid out my vulnerability and difficulty with something. I've literally invited them to give me any criticism or feedback and never gotten upset about their response, and always made changes as I could - to respond in a long-term way to those conversations.
This is me... it's not necessarily what will work for you... but be boldly comfortable with not being perfect is my advice. Be bold in admitting that you can stand some improvement, and share that with people that matter.
Faking is a requirement of social life. When your (fat) wife asks if she's fat, or your (old) mother asks if she's old, should you tell them the truth? If you're a captured soldier, should you tell the truth to your captors? Of course not. In those cases, lying is a virtue.
If I go to a hotel, I don't expect the attendant to greet me like I'm her long lost dog that found the way home. Just a polite, contained smile to show she appreciates my business. Adapt your behavior, but in a way that comes naturally to you. Everybody is faking too, and they don't expect you to be someone you're not. Politeness is a very efficient way to signal to fellow humans that you are not a threat, guaranteeing your psychology is similar to the rest of the species (this is not true for psychopaths, but, despite movies and TV shows, they're extremely rare).
So I guess my advice to you is: fake, but not too much. Cause, in most situations, everyone else is doing the same.
It's peculiar to me when I hear people denigrating their own looks, and blaming appearance for their social disconnection. Short of weeping sores or other extreme repulsions, it's possible to engage with most people in a friendly way through basic social formalities and gradual progress towards trust.
Footnote: I regularly have to deal with groups of 5 - 500 stressed-out strangers for work. All I'm expected to provide is competent technical support. Yet I've had them cry on my shoulder; invite me over for holiday dinner; tell me their deepest fears; ask for relationship, fashion and child-rearing advice; talk in depth about difficult problems in security management or medical ethics... The world is an exciting ride if you let it be.
I don't know how it it where you are from, but around me in my country and all around the world from experiences online and offline, I observe that there is a huge stigma about male beauty. It is as if being male itself correlates directly with ugliness, and if one is not perfect like a model, he is ugly. That makes it hard for men that are even slightly less charming physically than the average, even if it is just one particular thing somewhere.
And there is stigma around men assuming they look good, and men complimenting each other's looks. Apparently the blockage of positive expressions cause the feelings to manifest themselves through jokey negative ones. When I say I like my looks or compliment some man, the expression, facial or verbal, is quite often that of surprise, and on many occasions an easily readable thought that I am gay (I happen to not be).
Women often don't compliment men for their looks either. So it is not surprising that the issue tends to be overtly exaggerated by many men especially. Women are generally way less toxic about this among themselves.
An extreme example is the documentary about incels that was posted here some time ago (I am posting on mobile so can not post the link right now, sorry), where perfectly average looking or above average guys are thinking they are so ugly and off putting that they have succumbed into misogny and idiocy because of that.
Thanks for the interesting and thoughtful response. I've taken my time to answer, because I'd like to comment in a way that's responsive without giving offense.
As it happens, I'm in Miami right now, and I've had a recent lengthy deep dive concerning the hazardous beauty culture here. I can't my blink my eyes without being drawn to a breathtaking example of youthful, vigorous, flawless and fashionable feminine or masculine display. And yet the vast majority of people I see look awkward, a little shabby, sometimes wrinkled, spotted, overweight or with various asymmetries... In other words, human, and maybe not affluent.
To me, it sounds like what you're actually describing is the way in which capitalist marketing psychology encourages us to commoditize ourselves. If you're taught to believe you can't gain access to sex without outcompeting your gender mates, you'll buy more products to gain advantage. If your measure of beauty is a 99.9999-percentile flawless (with the right products and some Photoshop) god or goddess whose Instagram feed has millions of hits, of course you're going to feel insecure... and buy more products. The endless encouragement to buy one's way to perfection has had some horrendous outcomes here. [I'm not a Marxist, but Marx had some useful things to say about the fetishization of marketplace goods.]
Your complaint appears to me as a clear example of how men are now feeling more self-esteem pressure, as women become less financially dependent and more capable of choosing from the "marketplace" of men. This is a rebalancing of historical gender powers in mate selection, and it's going to cause dislocation. At the same time, we're still hesitant to compliment each other casually, regardless of gender, lest it be mistaken as a signal of sexual interest. It's just another example of how we've been encouraged in adopting self-esteem as a purchased service, not something we can create internally or provide each other freely.
In real world interpersonal relationships, my experience is that people are much more welcoming than you describe, especially if you don't hold them to unrealistic standards. The dissatisfactions of the incel movement aren't about denial of good relationships, they're about competitive denial of access to fetishised, commoditized beauties, when you can't afford to buy what you desire.
I really can't agree with any kind of "fake it until you make it" approach. Humans are hard-wired to just know when people are being genuine or being fake. You can't easily fake a smile, because your eyes won't smile with it, and it's obvious.
One of the most important things I've learned in about thirty years of dealing with customers face-to-face is to listen. That sounds really basic, but it's extremely important. Pay honest, listening attention and do not interrupt. You don't appreciate being interrupted in the middle of a thought, and neither do they. Don't sit there anticipating what you're going to say to them in return, because they can see you've already stopped listening to them. Eye contact is also important; it shows your level of attention. This doesn't only apply to business. I do this with friends and family as well. After a while, you realize that listening actually causes them in many cases to listen to you when you speak, instead of waiting anxiously to get their word out.
I don't have advice for appearances, because I'm not an attractive man. I'm not some incel; I've had four relationships that lasted 7+ years and a marriage, but I know from experience that I don't win any beauty contests. Just be clean and smell decent. Wear clean clothes and ask the barber/stylist for a change-up now and then (if you have hair); you'd be surprised how much different you can look with a more "hip" or just a newer style. Also, try different barbers/stylists for a new perspective.
While the real deal is certainly desirable, faking is absolutely necessary when genuine affability is not possible. It’s effective too.
Honestly, I disagree. I’d rather have someone say “you know what, I’m having a shitty day” than to plaster on a fake smile and chipper voice. It’s not you that I’m getting when you do that. People are fallible and I don’t expect a robotic facade when dealing with them. But I’m an old fart now; I’d probably have given you a different answer twenty years ago.
That's fine. I prefer honesty too. But I don't think we are in the majority.
Here comes a short and simple answer, i have to head out soon.
Show genuine interest in other people, ask questions, listen. People love to talk about themselves.
There was a quote on reddit that resonated with me a while back.
I've personally found that this advice works (depends on context obviously) and has improved my interactions with strangers in general.
How do you know that people are uncomfortable around you?
Try to have more open body language.
-Arms at sides (as opposed to crossed).
-Outward facing palms
-Legs stretched out and uncrossed
-Elbows away from the body
-Leaning forward (like you’re interested)
-Standing straight (no slouching)
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/rock-the-party-how-to-appear-friendly-and-approachable/
raise your eyebrows and smile -- that's what politicians do.
There is a term called half smile that gives you a barely not-frown that makes your brain "think" in a more positive manner. I find it also really helps with communication too!
You might find SOFTEN useful.
Smile, Open posture, Forward (lean in, but not too much), Touch (nice handshake but nothing else), Eye contact, Nod.