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  • Showing only topics in ~talk with the tag "ask.advice". Back to normal view / Search all groups
    1. If you have friends who used to be in separate circles but are going to finally meet, how would you handle that property? Let's say, you all meet, you know each of them, but they know about each...

      If you have friends who used to be in separate circles but are going to finally meet, how would you handle that property?

      Let's say, you all meet, you know each of them, but they know about each other very vaguely. How to introduce everyone gently and keep conversations going in a non confusing way? What are the dos and don'ts there? Personal real experience of "joining" friends would be nice to read about too!

      13 votes
    2. A little bit about me -- I'm in my mid-to-late-20s, male, single, recently graduated college, and I quit drinking about a year and a half ago. I never really considered myself an addict; there was...

      A little bit about me -- I'm in my mid-to-late-20s, male, single, recently graduated college, and I quit drinking about a year and a half ago. I never really considered myself an addict; there was never a point where I wanted to quit but I couldn't and it never interfered with work or school. I just woke up one day and told myself, "I don't want to do this anymore," so I just stopped.

      The problem, for me at least, is that I live in a relatively rural part of the world. There's not a lot to do here on Friday night other than go to the bars, which never really bothered me anyways because I work nights anyways and don't really like crowded scenes. Most of my free time is in front of my computer, I've recently started getting into distance running as a hobby, and I like playing board games when I can. All of this is fine except for the fact that I can't really seem to make friends in those mutual areas of interest without alcohol anymore.

      I signed up for meetup, which seems like a great way to meet new people, and I'm sure it is, in bigger cities at least. But around here, both the closest board game meetup and run club are an hour and a half away. It seems like everyone around here just wants to meet up to drink, and maybe do some other stuff along the way. (Don't get me started on making my own events here -- crowded bars already give me anxiety so organizing my own meetup with people I've never met before would be a new, special type of hell)

      I think at least part of this is compounded with the fact that since I graduated, I've had a hard time making new friends. I work a very isolating job, and teetotaling only further compounds the issue that I haven't met very many new people. It's something I've thought a lot about while searching for a partner as well -- I can't/don't want to meet people at bars, and I don't really find much use out of dating apps.

      Sorry if this is unorganized or hard to read, it's just a lot of thoughts I've had over the past year.

      edit: another part of it too is that, since I quit without the assistance of AA or any support group, I don't have any like-minded people to do things with.

      30 votes
    3. I'm having a bit of a reckoning where I'm working a call center job, and when I like it, it's okay, and when I don't, it's a drag, but just recently my wrists have started to seriously act up and...

      I'm having a bit of a reckoning where I'm working a call center job, and when I like it, it's okay, and when I don't, it's a drag, but just recently my wrists have started to seriously act up and impact my work and life some, and my work insurance won't cover treatment. On a related note, Mom is willing to love and support bribe me back into going to school since I can go back on her insurance as long as I'm taking classes full time. Normally, I would respectfully decline because I'm prideful and petty, left school on academic probation 4 years ago after blowing off classes and am still nursing an underlying fear of failure and psychological hang-ups due to previous academic overextension. But I do have savings to fall back on, I am at a point where I can reasonably pivot, Mom will likely never let this one die, and my job causes me pain. So, what do?

      11 votes
    4. I have an undergrad degree in polisci. I was planning on going to law school, but got rejected everywhere I applied. I am really reconsidering going to law school. Last couple years, I realized...

      I have an undergrad degree in polisci. I was planning on going to law school, but got rejected everywhere I applied. I am really reconsidering going to law school. Last couple years, I realized that I have a genuine interest in coding, and I could pursue it as a career. I learned C++ with online tutorials, and I think I am proficient at it, or at least have the potential to be much better.

      Anyway, money is tight, so I would really appreciate any input you have about a career change. Thank you!

      (If this belongs on another sub, please let me know)

      EDIT: I am in the U.S. I can move states if necessary.

      24 votes
    5. Hi I am 23 year old and I want leave my country. I hold work visa for Canada. I am convinced that I should leave my country due to political changes happening in my country. What was it like for...

      Hi I am 23 year old and I want leave my country. I hold work visa for Canada. I am convinced that I should leave my country due to political changes happening in my country. What was it like for you? And especially how was it like when you emigrated to a country when you was adult?

      16 votes
    6. My face is slightly asymmetrical, and one side of my lip points up, so it looks like I am smirking at people. At least, this is my theory as to why people feel uncomfortable around me without...

      My face is slightly asymmetrical, and one side of my lip points up, so it looks like I am smirking at people. At least, this is my theory as to why people feel uncomfortable around me without getting to know me first. But maybe it's something else entirely, or a combination. How can I make myself more approachable / likable? My work is in a field where I need to communicate with others often.

      The idea of faking smiles and acting overly friendly pains me, but if it's the only way I'll do it.

      26 votes
    7. Hello Tildes, I recently was accepted to my first PhD program, to one of my top choices. I am really quite excited about it. So I wanted to ask you... If you have a PhD: Are you glad you spent all...

      Hello Tildes,

      I recently was accepted to my first PhD program, to one of my top choices. I am really quite excited about it.

      So I wanted to ask you...

      If you have a PhD:

      • Are you glad you spent all that time pursuing it?
      • What does having one allow you to do that not having one would prevent you from doing?
      • Do you still maintain connections with your advisor(s) and/or fellow students?
      • Are you proud of your research?
      • Do you still look at research in that field?
      • What do you do now?

      If you pursuing a PhD, or have one and can answer these questions as your past self:

      • Do you get along with your advisor?
      • How much time do you spend looking at publications in your field?
      • Is most of your new knowledge from these publications, or do you perhaps rely on books you have not yet read?
      • How has your own funding (e.g. NSF fellowship) or lack thereof impacted what you do with your day?
      • What do you anticipate doing after you finish?
      • What (open source?) tools do you find the most useful in your work?
      • How do you balance work/life?
      • If you are/were a TA, how did you learn how to be an effective one?
      • How do you make sure you are on track with your research goals?
      • What are your biggest wins? Your biggest regrets?
      • any other things you want to talk about?

      Cheers!

      22 votes
    8. I'm stuck in a rut. What do you do to get out? How do you rediscover something that inspires you? Or something that you can be passionate about? I've got a handful of "projects" on the go at all...

      I'm stuck in a rut.

      What do you do to get out? How do you rediscover something that inspires you? Or something that you can be passionate about?

      I've got a handful of "projects" on the go at all times - writing some music, getting better at the sport I play, learn a new language for work, do some "proper" research. But they all sort of sit there looking tedious on my whiteboard. I'm just not passionate about any of them really (except maybe the sport, but I'm approaching 40 so it's not like I'm on the verge of setting the world on fire with it!).

      What do you do to rediscover your inspiration? What has worked for you?

      16 votes
    9. I'll preface this by saying that I'm a high school student, so obviously I can't be facing any real stress, but it seems real enough to me, anyway. My strategy is usually just to bury it in...

      I'll preface this by saying that I'm a high school student, so obviously I can't be facing any real stress, but it seems real enough to me, anyway. My strategy is usually just to bury it in entertainment, but I see a lot of the people around me turning to using substances like nicotine, weed, or alcohol.

      I don't think any of these are really good options, so I'd like to hear what you guys do.

      22 votes
    10. Hey, I dunno if this is an appropriate place for this, and feel free to take it down if it's too direct/off-topic or what have you. I can't post this on reddit because my mom browses reddit and it...

      Hey, I dunno if this is an appropriate place for this, and feel free to take it down if it's too direct/off-topic or what have you. I can't post this on reddit because my mom browses reddit and it would be painfully obvious.

      So, as some of you may know, Backpage was a website like craigslist that got shut down completely due to complaints/reports of trafficking. In that shutdown, many people lost their jobs, my mother being one of them. My mom received a severance pay, and had to find work. Within that same timeframe, she also broke things off with a man whom she had been dating prior for reasons I still don't know. After having to sell her house, she tried to make it on her own, but then inevitably had to come and live with me and my Dad (Whom she had divorced about 10 years prior)). At some point a year or so ago, she had a nasty fall and hit her head, concussing her. Lately, she seems to be coming unhinged.

      Her behavior started with her continually retroactively accusing my father of cheating on her ~15 years ago on several occasions based off of information she swears happened but cannot corroborate. She has, in recent memory, been known to make false claims and, when presented with proof refuting her claims, to discard said proof and continue to push her claims instead. She has tried to get me to "remember" incidents over 10 years ago where she ran across "women who were his type". On top of that, she has accused my father of going into businesses she has applied for and telling them not to hire her. My dad wants nothing more than for her to get back up on her feet and get going. I have no idea why she would believe this.

      We had another incident where my little sister went downstairs to get something to eat, and used the microwave to prepare it. My mother interjected and told Ali that she shouldn't be using the microwave because she's afraid of the radiation it gives off. My little sister politely told her that that was bullshit and that she isn't worried. My mother then grew angry, told her something along the lines of "Fine, I'm not going to care if you die then", took her phone, and sent her upstairs (We all shave our rooms upstairs and she has her space downstairs, where the guest room is). This isn't the first time she's posited a completely ridiculous and baseless claim/conspiracy/concern, however I hadn't tried to refute it before.

      I texted my Aunt and debriefed her, and she said that she was aware of my mother's mental health declining, and she wanted to help, but I guess she said something my mom didn't like, because my mom has since blocked her on her phone, severing the only means of communication between them (She's 2 states away). My mom seems to keep doing this to people; saying and believing untrue/ridiculous things and becoming increasingly angry and hateful when she is refuted or called out on it. She has severed ties with her Aunt, the sister of my deceased grandmother, who tried to tell her she was wrong after accusing my grandmother of various things she didn't do. She doesn't have any family left that she hasn't pissed off.

      The only person left in my house who she isn't angry at is me, but I am supremely bad at handling these things and would much rather retreat into my room and not come out until it's all over. My girlfriend living with me is trying to provide support as well. This morning, my mother asked me to drop her off at a homeless shelter. She has a bed, food, clothes, a shower and restroom, and WiFi here, but she feels so much that my father is the root of all of her problems that she wants to leave at any cost.

      I don't know what to do now that my mother is slowly and surely losing her goddamn mind and is driving out everyone who loves her when they don't reaffirm her insane delusions and accusations. It hurts to see my father struggling to do something, because he can't just kick out the mother of his children; he still loves the woman he married. We can't tell her she needs to seek help, because that is interpreted as an insult and calling her crazy. I've tried, again and again, to tell her that we are all here to help her and we want the best for her but she seems to discard every good thing I say and pick out the worst, even if I didn't intend any kind of negativity. She's getting to the point where she's beginning to lose her temper with me and I'm afraid that that will be the final nail in the coffin. My father tried calling some place (I believe they specialized in mentally unwell people) and asking for advice, but when he asked them to call my mother and they agreed, my mother got angry at them and accused them of "collecting evidence" for my father. It's out of their hands if she isn't harming herself or others.

      I don't really know what I expect from posting this. Maybe commiseration, maybe sympathy, or advice, but I'm going fucking insane and do not have any prior experience to help me cope with/fix this and I would really appreciate if anybody does and they're willing to share

      21 votes