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How do you meet people?
I've been feeling lonely for quite a while now..
Sometimes I strike a conversation with someone seemingly randomly because I wonder who they are, what they're doing here but I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, like, I shouldn't be doing this, I feel kind of.. creepy, awkward. I've only been able to do this online because in real life, I just freeze and my mind just races with stress and I just give up and just decided overtime to not attempt that and avoid it.
So well, I'm just left wondering, how? How are you supposed to meet new people?
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To meet new people, you must start by leaving the house. You don't meet people sitting alone at home. No matter how many words you type into a keyboard or how many words you read on a screen, that's not meeting people. To meet people, you must go where the people are. And the people are elsewhere. So just walk out your front door and see who's out there in the big wide world.
Sounds easy, doesn't it?
But of course it's not. As you say, you can't just walk up to a random person on the street and start a conversation. While that might seem to be a very efficient way of meeting a person, it doesn't work in reality because social conventions are bloody complicated! There are rules - explicit and implicit, obvious and subtle, written and unwritten - about what you're allowed to say and do to people, and where and when you're allowed to say it. It's hard!
The trick, therefore, is to find a place where people want to be met, and where the rules encourage you to interact with them. And, there's an added bonus is if there's already a reason for you to interact with them, rather than you having to force an interaction awkwardly.
The answer is organised activities. People gather in groups at prearranged places and times to do agreed activities together. These activities range from paid work to volunteer work, from sports to games, from educational to entertainment. In other words: work, school, college, sports clubs, music bands, volunteer organisations, social groups, and so on. Find yourself a group/organisation to join in and participate.
Having a shared activity to do with the other people at the place gives you a reason to interact with them, whether it's to discuss a shared task, or work together, or play together, or whatever. There's no awkward forcing yourself on strangers, just natural and required interactions with people who are doing the same thing as you, probably for the same reason.
Think about what you like to do. Or what you would like to do. Do you play a sport? Do you play a musical instrument? Do you sing? Would you like to learn any of these things? Do you have a hobby? Do you knit? Do you read? Do you play computer games? Do you like to watch birds? Do you like to swim? Do you like to look at the stars? Do you like to take nature walks? Do you do anything for fun? No matter what you do... there's probably a group out there for people who want to do it together. Get onto www.meetup.com, and search for your city and "activity X", and see what comes up. You may find a group of people who like doing what you do. You can turn up to their meetup and do it with them. And doing an activity with other people naturally leads to interacting with them, talking to them, and even getting to know them.
You could go a step further: get a job, join a volunteer organisation, enlist in a political activist group. Do something productive with your time, and do it alongside other people. Even sign up for a course at your local community college (or whatever the equivalent is where you live) - learn and socialise at the same time!
The important thing is to find an activity that you can do with other people. That gives you the opening to interact with them. It breaks the ice. It avoids the situation where you don't know what to talk about, because you can talk about your shared activity.
I've met quite a few people through online means, of course, I met them in person afterwards but I think denying that possibility entirely is potentially harmful.
If I can't get the courage to talk to a single person, I'm unsure how I'm supposed to go to a group of people.. I get that they're made for that purpose but I'm just terrified of going to meet people I know absolutely nothing about. Even less so spend money and time to go there and most likely just not going at the last minute because of the rising level of stress.
That escalated quickly.. Joking aside, I am kind of but not really looking for a job and maybe that'll help but I don't think it'll be meaningful.
I really feel that I have nothing that I could do with people outside of home, I just don't get it even with people I know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
And I think relying on that possibility is harmful. To meet people, you need to meet people, not type into a keyboard.
One reason that some people lack social skills is that they spend too much time interacting with computers and not enough time interacting with flesh-and-blood human beings. The more time you interact with computers, even if you're chatting with real people, the less time you're practising your social skills. If your goal is to meet people and reduce your feeling of loneliness (that is what you asked for advice about), you need to have face-to-face encounters with flesh-and-blood human beings. You can't practise socialising by typing into a keyboard.
It's not like learning how to fly an aeroplane or how to drive a car: the digital simulation is not like the real thing, and the skills you learn from online chat are not transferable to real-life conversation. If these skills were transferable, then you'd have no problem with real-life conversation, because you're able to do it online. But you do have problems with real-life conversation, and that's because the online skills are not transferable. You need to practise real-life conversation in real life.
The point is that having a shared activity reduces the need for courage. Instead of focussing on making conversation with strangers, you can focus on doing the activity itself, with the people just being an incidental added extra. The conversation arises naturally, rather than you having to force it.
As someone with friends who have social anxiety, and as someone who runs a meetup group myself, I can tell you that one coping strategy used by socially anxious people is to learn what's going to happen at the event. I get people asking me questions via meetup.com about what happens at our events, and I can tell they're usually people who are trying to learn what to expect. They're not going in cold: they're investigating and understanding and visualising. I've seen it in friends and I've seen it online. And it seems to work for some people.
I didn't literally mean get a job. I meant that there are lots of forms of organised activities, and paid employment is one of them. A lot of people meet other people through their jobs. If you don't have a job (and aren't looking for one), there are unpaid equivalents, such as volunteering somewhere or signing up to some other type of organisation. The goal is to find something that gets you out & about, and interacting with other people in an environment where you're all working together on something - which gives you something to talk about, and which means you don't have to make awkward conversation.
Do you literally do nothing for enjoyment? Nothing at all? There must be at least one activity or hobby that you do for fun. You don't sit at home just breathing all the time.
For example: there are groups where people meet to play computer games together, there are groups that go see movies together, and I've read about some people who meet in a park just to sit and read beside each other. You don't have to participate in an active hobby involving physical movement or interpersonal interactions. There are groups for people to do supposedly solitary activities in the company of other people.
On a final note: when you ask for advice, don't sit there finding reasons to reject the advice offered to you in good faith. Find reasons to use the advice, or ways to adapt it to suit you. You asked for advice, so take it when it's offered. Don't reject it.
The purpose of meeting people online was never to replace "real-life" conversation and activities, it's about giving a safe environment which is easy to control and get to know people so it's easier to evaluate if you want to take the chance and befriend them and get to do stuff with them outside of the internet.
But you see, I can't think of an activity which I'll enjoy doing in a group. I play games, discuss subjects online, watch anime (rarely nowadays). None of these things can really be turned into a group activity in real life. I don't even know what to do with my friends really.
I must've not expressed myself correctly, what I meant is that I'm actually looking for a job even though I'm not doing the looking or applying, I'm supposed to do that.
Yes, I literally never go outside to do anything.
I do none of those things.
Then it's not really not encouraging talking to others if there's no point in talking to each other in the first place, wasn't that the goal of doing that?
The point of discussion is always to find a solution and to make compromises and if the advice is something I already know and already explained myself why I wouldn't do those things then you're just hitting myself with the same sentence which means nothing to me at this point. It doesn't make sense to me, that's why I reject it, it's not because I'm ungrateful, I really am but I don't get it, it's not going through to me.
I'm basically just reiterating what @Algernon_Asimov already said, but the reality is that if you want something in your life to change—and you clearly do because you're asking for advice about how to make it happen—then you're going to need to change something in your life. You have to be willing to try some new things.
I know that but expecting me to change without reasoning that can convince me seems.. futile? I'm horrible at taking advice or compliments.
It's just rewording it a different way again, but the reasoning is: the path you're on doesn't lead to the destination you want. You can't keep going the same way and expect it to just magically change on its own. There's no "meet people" switch that you just need to learn to turn on while you keep doing everything else exactly the same. It's going to involve some changes to your habits that may be scary and/or uncomfortable (at first).
A bunch of people are making an effort to give you advice that you asked for, and you seem to be mostly looking for reasons to disregard all of it so that you don't need to change.
Who mentioned going outside? I've specifically given multiple examples of indoor solitary activities (playing computer games, watching movies, reading books) where people created groups to do these indoor solitary activities together.
And, while you've batted away my examples, you didn't answer the important question of how you actually entertain yourself while you're at home. Unless you do spend 16 hours per day just sitting there and breathing? What do you do for fun? I can't help you if you won't help me.
The idea is that these people can then talk about their shared activity. By being in each other's company, they naturally start talking to each other, and by doing something together, they already have something to talk about.
Stop doing that. If you reject new things, then you're restricting your possibility of change. If you're only going to do the same things in the future that you've already done in the past, then you'll get the same results in the future that you've already got in past. As the saying goes, one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. If you want your life to change, you need to change it. At some point, you need to take a deep breath and do something different. Because... look where you've got by doing the same old thing.
P.S. I'm not just making this stuff up to confuse you, by the way. I've had to make a few changes in my life over the past few years, and some of those changes involved doing some of these things I'm suggesting to you here. They're not just theoretical possibilities, they're real-life things I did (and have seen other people do). And I had to take some deep breaths and step outside my comfort zone occasionally. Because doing the same old things was only going to get the same old results. To get different results, I needed to do different things.
I play mostly single player games, discuss topics online, mindlessly consume content on Youtube or try to work on programming projects.
We both know that changing requires motivation, reasoning and just a lot more than people online telling you what to do so I'm really unsure why you'd expect me to just take it without giving my reasoning..
I know, people here are talking based on their experiences and knowledge. I can only feel sorry for those trying to reason with the thick headed person that I am but I just can't take things and put them into practice without challenging them, I just don't work that way.
There are social/meetup groups for at least two of those activities. I personally know people who go to a group where they play computer games - some of them single-player games - in a social setting. And @tomf has talked about "hackerspaces" where people meet to do programming together.
You think they're solitary activities, and they are. But there are other people like you, who get lonely doing these solitary activities, so they created groups where they could do these solitary activities with other people around.
I expect you to try at least some of the suggestions in this thread because you asked for this. You asked people to give you advice and suggestions about how to meet people. That means you want to meet people, and you want to do the necessary things to meet people. If you're just going to reason away everyone's suggestions, why did you ask for them?
If it was possible for you to come up with the answer yourself, then you would have already achieved what you wanted and you wouldn't need to come here to ask for advice. The fact that you're asking for advice means that you acknowledge that your own reasoning has limits, and that you need some outside points of view. Asking for advice also implies that you're open to accepting that advice.
I'm going to be blunt here. Stop reading if you're easily offended. But, if you don't read this, you'll miss out on something important.
I've seen this behaviour before. People ask for advice, and then give all the reasons in the world why they can't take that advice. This comes down to one of two motives:
They didn't really want the advice in the first place. They just wanted a pretext to tell someone else how bad their life is, and how nothing works for them. Basically, it's a pity party. They seem to want to make their life better, but they really just want to wallow in their misery.
They want the advice, but they're letting their fear rule them. No matter what advice you give this person, they're not going to take it because the very thing that prevented them from achieving what they want in on their own is the same thing that will prevent them from taking someone else's advice to achieve what they want. They're trapped by their fear.
(Confession: Not only have I seen these behaviours in other people, but I've also seen them in myself sometimes. I'm not holding myself up as above these petty behaviours. We all do them from time to time.)
I'm seeing both these behaviours in you. I'll admit you're leaning more towards "trapped by fear" than "pity party", but I'm seeing both of them in you.
Do you really want to change or not? Because I'll be buggered if I'm going to waste my time on someone else's pity party, and I'm not qualified to help someone who's trapped by their fear.
Yes, some of the suggestions I find are things I didn't think or know about and I like that.
Honestly, I was slightly hoping for a more open-ended question but I guess my premise kinda got that out of the window which is fine, really. I appreciate it.
If I can't convince myself to go through with the ideas, it'd be really a waste of time for me personally because I just wouldn't do it, that's why I'm trying to give my reasons which I hope for people to rebuttal as to get myself out of this corner that I've built myself into in a way.
I can somewhat see that being the case with me and I'm sorry for it but that's just who I am, I guess. I've been thinking for quite a bit through the lot of replies I've done that I should simply give up since it doesn't really seem to be effectively changing my mind.
I guess the fact that I don't have a job or a lot of money from my parents could come off as me wanting pity but I assure you that's not my goal at all, It's just part of the reason I find it hard to go with some of those advices.
I guess that's really the problem with most of the advice, they're somewhat simple and I've thought about them but I really can't push myself to go through with any of them. Perhaps that's what really needs to be fixed.
I'm sorry if it feels like a waste of time and I can totally see why you'd think that.
Well, I should clarify that I mostly play single player games and I see a certain level of difference which doesn't really make it suitable. As for watching anime, it's not something I really enjoy to do with other people and I feel to see how I could watch some outside of my home. There's only very rarely an anime movie which comes about in the West and I don't think there's a group for such occasions?
Yeah, that probably exists, I'll keep an eye for that.
Starting up conversations with new people always carries the risk of creepy awkwardness. Just do it anyway. You'll get better with practice.
I agree with this 100%. The way I see it, the more I practice being social with strangers, the more relaxed I will be when I have to be social with people who are important to me (friend of a friend, potential SO, friend's new SO, etc).
It's not easy, but it helps.
I see what you did there ;)
I can strongly related to that. It's kind of a little frustrating if I'm being honest how everyone tries to push for the opposite and I just feel like "Yeah, I know but that doesn't push me forward". I think it's really stupid for me to not go through with it but I just can't. My mind just goes racing about consequences as I said in the OP which is not the case when I talk online, I can more so take my time with it and so it's easy to relax, there's less variables involved. I'd also say it's a lot easier when one-on-one when the person is clearly not doing anything such as waiting.
Yes, totally. If someone initiates the conversation, I'm generally good to go.
Yeah, I think being a student will put me into more situations where that's the case but right now since I'm not I don't really think there's a clear direction for where I could and the distance to such a place is kind of crucial to me since well, I don't have money that's my own.
Yeah, I've tried doing this but I've really been somewhat unsuccesful because it's hard to find someone local. I guess a dating service would somewhat solve that issue but my principles and ideals just have kept me off from there. As for other ways, I just don't know where to start, I guess. I don't really know what I would want to do that isn't in front of my computer, really..
I'm scared.
It'll sound extremely silly but I would be glad to be your friend as a fellow Canadian but I guess online friends is not really what you'd be looking for.
I've made a group and heavily pushed people to do so... and it kinda just didn't happen. It just stalled and nobody really joined afterwards.
Do you have any ideas? I really don't know what could be that.. I can only really think of speed dating but that doesn't seem like a good idea.
Yeah.. I don't work, maybe that'd help instead of staying all the time as a basement dweller.
♥️
I've talked about it more in parts of this thread but the things I like to do are things that I do alone and wouldn't really do with other people so I have a really hard time finding something that I'd enjoy doing with others.
Yeah, it also cuts the money that I could use to meet people too which is another problem, I really need to get one soon.
instead of a book club, which doesn't always work for busy folks -- a short story club is just as effective, with far less effort. Start with Tales of the Jazz Age or something, and go from there. You can even use long-form articles.
That's a positive step! What sort of group was it? What did you and the other people in the group do? Where did you meet?
Did you consider inviting outsiders to join your group, to expand it and keep it going?
We just.. talked? We haven't really done much outside of that, we plan to see each other at a convention but outside of that there's not much else. Most of them come from that convention when I had made a more open group before.
I've invited one person since, thinking about inviting another but I'm generally conservative about it to avoid breaking the community atmosphere that's been built.
Here's a suggestion: find similar conventions in the future, and put out the call to your friends and acquaintances, and, through them, to their friends and acquaintances, inviting people to attend the convention as a group. Some people are nervous about attending those things by themselves, and would like the idea of being able to go in a group, even if they're only mildly acquainted with some of the other people in the group.
I don't have the money to do so and most others are far which makes it quite expensive but yes, that would be nice if I could.
Primarily meetup.com events in my city for new friends
I meet girls on OkCupid and Tinder
Luckily I am living in a big city which makes it better for these. Living in the suburbs I had trouble meeting anyone.
I've always thought of dating websites as really silly since it's basically trying to reach a goal by going at it directly and that just doesn't seem like a good idea, I'm curious what you personally think.
You could use it less as a means to find life partner or significant other and just post something like "I'm willing to go eat out at some fancy restaurants but feel awkward going alone, hmu if you want to eat somewhere nice." Even if the encounter is a bit awkward you will have tried some food at a place you don't normally go and have developed a review to talk about at future encounters. You might also develop some social skills with some light conversation before and after these meals.
I don't really have the money to just pump into going to the restaurant with strangers nor really the courage to do so. I take a lot of precautions in general with people I meet online. It's really scary to me. I start imagining that I'll get kidnapped or something.
Being kidnapped is a great conversational piece. But jokes aside, you are going to a public place and negotiating your own situation before meeting strangers. Even the most audacious criminals/kidnappers aren't going to be using a tracked messaging portal to lure you in.
It sounds like you need to spend more time developing yourself. Find a sustainable income job, pursue it to acquire currency. Find entertaining hobbies, solo vidya, programming and masturbating aren't enough hobbies. Consider gardening (small indoor if need be), music (listening to or playing an instrument), Magic the Gathering, D&D, cooking, woodworking, painting, drawing, comics, volunteering or after getting your income situation figured out consider getting a dog. Some of these start out as individual hobbies, but they can grow to include others. Having a dog and taking it for walks or playing with it at a dog park will attract dog enthusiasts to you, girls will be on their knees petting that little guy in no time ;).
As much as I hate to say it, churches have social gatherings like pot lucks and volunteering services. You meet lots of people and a lot of church goers are well connected to money and good job opportunities. You show a willingness to do free labor once a month and doors will start opening for you. It's also a great thing to put on a resume along with the references from the organizers.
Good point, I should've thought about that.
Yeah... but, I don't know, I'm really paranoid with it. Like, I went to a girl's house far from home back in highschool and I did actually think that was gonna happen but still went through with it thankfully.
Yeah, that should probably be my first step as to give myself more freedom.
You mean Masturbation isn't the solution to all my problems? Fuck.
I do play some guitar but I need to change the cords, it feels like I'm opening my fingers wide open when I play for any amount, those at school were a lot easier to play on so I know I'm not crazy on that part.
I never thought about it that way ;)
I think if I went to a church without actually believing, my mom would think I'm crazy and I just don't want to that guy if you know what I mean.
(I hope no one takes some of my stupid comments seriously, may they have mercy on my poor soul)
I'm going to second @Hidegger's point about dogs. I had a cat for many many years, now I'm sharing a house with a friend and his dog.
Owning a dog is a surprisingly social activity. I have met so many neighbours and locals and other dog-owners by walking the dog and taking it to the park. This never happened while I had a cat. A dog forces you to go outside, while a cat stays inside with you.
And having a pet of any kind provides you with some company and makes you feel a little less lonely.
I mean, I've just had them run in the backyard, we don't really go anywhere with them.. but yeah, it's a good idea, I'm just kinda scared I'll just be bored and go home. But definitely something I'll have to try once the sun comes out.
Again, you're looking for excuses to not do something.
You can walk dogs even on cloudy days (dogs need exercise no matter what the weather). And the point of going outside with a dog is to remove boredom: engage with the dog, enjoy its company, watch it play, play with it, and so on.
Have you ever thought that don't want to go outside when it's cloudy or raining?
This isn't an excuse. I just don't do what I don't want to do. I won't enjoy it.
Have you thought about the poor dog who needs to be exercised and stimulated even when it's cloudy? Dogs need to be exercised most days, not just when you feel like it. A bit of cloud won't kill you. I'm not even talking about rain, just cloud (no rain, no snow, just cloud in the sky). Put on a coat and walk out the door.
And, yes, "clouds" and "boredom" are excuses. If you want to change your life, you'll need to do some things you don't want to do. Doing only the things you want to do has led to your current situation, which you're not happy with. You need to do something different if you want a different outcome.
This is where I officially give up. I'm wasting my time here. You don't want to change. You want something easy to drop in your lap and magically make your life different. It doesn't work that way.
Goodbye.
Tbf, @Algernon_Asimov's advice thus far has been very sound and generic to any situation. And trying to give a handful of specific examples to illustrate that there are literally thousands of things OP can find an interest in but would rather shoot down those examples instead finding common ground with other people is the exact reason why OP is going to stay lonely and not really take any sound advice.
We aren't counselors and we aren't trying to be short with people but you can only care about ignorant people so much before you realize that the day still goes on if we ignore them. I mean come on, this is blatant trolling... "Guy's I'm lonely but I'm literally not willing to go out on a cloudy day with my dog. Fuck, I can't even work up the courage to meet other people, it's just not possible for me, I'm a weak and feeble mess and literally everyone is out to get me. But the internet is OK."
I mean, I'm here trying to find some common ground, which we have some similar interests, but even I don't want to hang out with the guy, sounds like a real downer. "Hey wanna play a game?" "No, I'm only play single player games." "Hey, wanna see the live action Akira remake?" "No, movie theaters skeeve me out and I probably won't even be able to enjoy the film if I'm not watching it alone in my room." "Hey wanna join my band?" "No, I'm not very good at my instrument." "I'll teach you." "Yea, but the strings make my fingers bleed." IRL I'd tell someone like this "the fuck outta here then."
Everything I and other people in this thread have suggested has been rejected out of hand. Other people gave exactly the same advice as me (take up a hobby, and join a group of people doing that hobby), and it still got rejected, even though they may have given it more appropriately than I did (although my comment is still the most upvoted comment in this thread). The problem is not my presentation or my approach or even the advice itself.
If I was a therapist, I probably wouldn't speak the way I did. But I'm not a therapist: I'm not being paid to be nice to the OP, and to cater to his whims, and to play his games. Instead, I gave the advice that was asked for - and I gave that advice in good faith and with the sincere intent to help. I assumed he was asking in good faith. But everything I offered was rejected. I'll only put up with that for so long before I decide that my efforts are being wasted.
If the OP wanted therapy, he would go to a therapist and pay for it. Instead, he wanted free advice. However, all he has done throughout this entire thread is tell us he won't do what we advise because we didn't explain it well enough to him. Well, multiple people here have tried to explain it a variety of ways, and he rejected them all. It's not about how we explained it.
The OP's problem is not about finding the right hobby or not knowing how to talk to people. His problem is that he won't get off his arse to make a change in his life. He won't even go outside on a cloudy day to walk his dog, for the sake of fuck! That's not fear or social anxiety or agoraphobia or some other psychological problem that needs help. It's much more simple than that, and the OP himself told us what the problem is: "I just don't do what I don't want to do."
I'll leave you with a joke:
How many therapists does it take to change a light globe?
Only one, but it's got to want to change.
But it wasn't... do you want me to link everytime I actually said yes, because of one the parent comments to this is literally me going "Yes, I should do this but the weather's pretty bad right now, I'll do it at another time"
And some of those I think are good, some are simply not things that I can do because of my specific situation, not every idea is applicable to any situation no matter how good that idea is.
If you're gonna oversimplify my reasoning, situation and everything around me to make a point, I'll kindly ask you to stop talking about me.
That's your responses in this thread summed up in one line: "yes, I should do this but...".
As I said, you keep making excuses: the weather's not nice enough (but you won't wear a coat), you don't have the money (but there are free hobbies), you might get bored. And so on, and so on, and so on. This whole thread is just you saying "yes, but..." in a variety of different ways.
I've seen this behaviour before, and it's not the behaviour of someone who sincerely wants to make a change in their life. It's the behaviour of someone who wants to make excuses for why they won't make a change in their life.
If you're gonna assume that I'm acting in a bad faith then let's leave it at that because there's no point in this discussion anymore.
Thank you for the time, have a nice day.
New strings are needed if the old ones are rusty or corroded. But the problem might actually be the bridge is set too high, the neck is warped too far and the amount of pressure you are putting on the strings to push them to the frets. For an acoustic you could get smaller strings than standard 52 gauge (try 46 gauge) which will take some pressure off the bowing in the neck, but it could also take too much and cause strings to buzz on frets. Bring your guitar to a shop and ask a pro about it. If it's an electric you can have the bridge and truss rod adjusted on top of some new strings.
Just guessing, but it's probably a shit cheapo guitar and not worth paying someone else to do the work to it. You could google or youtube some instructions on DIY repairs. There is a little template you can buy for getting the right bridge setup and string tension or you can just eye it up.
It's not about going to regular church worships, it's about the extra curricular activities and volunteer work. They usually have a bulletin board near an entrance with a whole bunch of random things going on, if none of them interest you then try another church or a community center, there are no lack of churches, we're infested with all kinds of them. There are also hippie rainbow gatherings that do a lot of volunteer work and don't try to push religion as much as their vegan crystal rubbing spiritualism on you.
The guitar still looks brand new, we changed the strings once they broke and the new ones are the ones making my fingers bleed, I definitely need to look into why but I've just not had the will to do it really.
Many people use these apps to find friends, and in fact some of them like bumble friend are targeted specifically at that. Even if you set it to a specific gender rather than both, I see no issue with using it as a way to practice socialization even if your goal is not to specifically date anyone. What is there to lose?
Many of these are also only applications which well, is kind of an issue for me since I don't have a phone anymore and well, my principles on what I install on my phone would kind of drive me a long way away from most popular applications which offer the service.
A lot of these apps have the same functionality on the website as well. OkCupid for example.
Yeah, I was more so saying that for Bumble which is stricly on an app. I still don't feel comfortable going there for personal reasons. Thanks for the perspective though.
Pick up a hobby that you can do alone or with others. I joined a climbing gym recently, and it has been great for meeting people. You just start talking about the hobby and it's not creepy or weird because it's a common interest, then you branch out into family, occupation, recreation, and dreams and before you know it you have a friend.
If you're into making stuff or working on more technical projects, you may have a local hackerspace that's worth checking out. I've only been to my local one a few times, and there was a... bouquet... of people. Some totally weird folks and some really interesting, friendly ones -- and everything in between.
The nice thing with these sorts of places is that you can hang out while working on your own thing, basically socializing as much around a common interest, while having a wide set of easy topics to shoot the shit about.
One thing I did a few years ago was make up 'social cards' -- a half sized business card (2" x 2") with my name and number, and nothing else. These cards are 100% social. If I meet someone that I think I'd get along with and it gets to the point where we're exchanging info, I give the card. Unlike popping info into someone's phone, the card is a little more memorable, and it avoids you becoming a lost contact if they forget your name.
As for talking to people in public, keep doing it. Even if I have headphones on, people will try to chat me up. No idea why -- but I'm almost always happy they did.
edit: https://wiki.hackerspaces.org/List_of_Hacker_Spaces
Yeah, there's an Hackerspace next town, I might need to check it out sometime but it's honestly kinda costly just going there with the commune system for me and well, there's the membership fee that goes along.
As for the social cards, that's.. interesting. I might look into that but I think it's probably not something I'll do. Thanks for the idea though.
I think most people meet other people through their social networks (family, friends, colleagues, neighbours), so make sure to cultivate those (keep in touch, invite people, ...).
But... you see, people I meet haven't really introduced me to other people.. That's why I'm asking outside of the loop which potentially exists.
I think it depends on your social environment, upper class basically make an industry of meeting people and cultivating their networks, it's like their full time job.
Honestly bro I kinda do the same. Just talk to people and ask them how they are doing, or some sort of noticeable feature about them (article of clothing, sticker on water bottle, etc.) that I can strike up a conversation with them about. Most of the time it goes nowhere, but sometimes I can get a good thing rolling, and sometimes you can even get to know someone.
Say, do you have any hobbies or interests (especially ones that lead to being outside)? Because joining a club or meeting people with similar interests is also a really great way to meet people, as you all have something in common.
Most of all however, just don't be afraid to try. I promise you that most people have no idea what they are doing, and are terrified of being alone. Sometimes a simple, "Hello, how are you doing?" can go a long way. Just be yourself and reach your hand out towards them proud of who you are as a human.
To be fair this is by no means a complete list or exactly what you should do, but I've found trial and error are the best way to figure out what to do. Either way, stay strong OP, you got this!!
What do you do if it doesn't work out?
Does.... laying down in a park count?
But I am that person who doesn't know what I'm doing and terrified of being alone.
That is surely something you share with 8 billion people and counting :)
Generally being at a place with someone where you have the tiniest common interest and saying anything helps. Say for example waiting for your lesson outside the hall asking someone if they are waiting for the same lesson. People have the weirdest stories of how they met, and many of them are just tiny tiny transgressions like saying "Hi!" to a stranger.
Enrolling in a course might be a good idea. Like a language course or a cooking class. Although in my experience people there might not be interested in new friendships, but YMMV.
Social skills are just like any other and require practice. Keep striking up conversations. You'll either get better or become more comfortable with being awkward. If you want a perhaps faster path to friends then get into a hobby and find a local group that does that and join.
I met a whole lot of cool people when I took up paragliding. The nature of learning such a sport is that you have to repeatedly show up, day in and day out for weeks on end, until you get your license. You get consistency. You get familiar faces. These familiar faces strike up conversation with you. Or ideally you strike up conversation with them. You talk about shared experiences. Different experiences.
Your mutual interests spill over into other mutual interests. Tada! A friendship is crafted. So if extreme sports or anything outdoorsy is a possibility for you, that could work.
That, or Internet Relay Chat. I have an equal number of friends thanks to both of those interests.
And yes, I am quite an outlier in just how bipolar my interests are.
I'm not a bird but IRC would be something I would do if it wasn't such a royal pain to use sometimes, I guess I should check if there are local rooms though, that could be interesting.
It's probably unsustainable and ultimately unhealthy, but I've met plenty of people hoppin around bars. They're certainly a gathering place for some sad lonely sacks, and once everyone is properly "lubricated" conversation tends to ensue. I'm usually quiet and reserved, but mostly I'm reactive rather than proactive. That is, I'm not one to start conversation, but if someone starts conversation with me I'm happy to meet them on their level and keep up the talk. Much easier with a bit of alcohol in the system to quell some of that social anxiety, and, like I said, hardly anyone really goes to a bar to drink alone. It'd be much cheaper to do that at home.
Well, that's my dirtbag solution to feeling lonely, anyway.
I made a funny craigslist post once when my last long relationship ended, detailing how I didn't really have any friends and needed some - I actually got a few responses to it and hung out with 4 or 5 neat ladies, one or two who were pretty great. I didn't actually make any lasting friendships from it, but it filled up a couple of months with activities which were fun!
Internet dating was also good when I was feeling lonely, I met my husband on there, but I wasn't actively try to find a husband, I just like to drink nice beers at nice bars with nice boys, and first dates are pretty fun because everyone collects their BEST stories for them. My husband has a few friends that are girls he went on dates with, but no one wanted to remain "just a friend" with me I guess. It was still a nice time though and got me out of my house more than I'm inclined to do.
We've recently made lots of friends by getting REALLY involved in hobbies. We always played a few board games, but then my husband started designing them, and found out there's a local guild that meets up to do that and playtest each others' games, and he meets with them every week, and we hang out with those guys socially a lot now! Most of my friends are from college, but they are interestingly not actually the people I hung out with the most during college. Keep people who you like, but aren't really your friends in mind! Maybe you can just start hanging out with them even if you haven't for a long time, and an interesting friendship might develop!
I've almost done Craiglist once but I guess my throwaway email is not something they liked because I was never able to post. But really, I see a lot more posts about horny people than anything else which kinda drove me away from it and well, Craiglist just seems generally unsafe to me.
Dude, just go out more!