Kind Words (Tildes Edition)
For those that aren't familiar with it, Kind Words is a recently released "game" where players can write a message about a difficulty they're facing or something that's troubling them. Other real people in the game can then respond, letting that person know that they're not alone. Players can also write un-addressed messages of positivity in the game, which are spread to other users via paper airplanes.
I figured we could have a thread on Tildes with our own version of the game via comments.
Here's how I figure it will work. We'll have three post types:
Request: share your situation in order to get kind words in response
Response: offer kind words to other people who have posted here
Airplane: write general thoughts of goodwill for all the readers of the thread
Please begin your post by naming its type in bold font. For those posing Requests, please let people know if you would rather receive public responses or PMs.
Example post:
Request: Sometimes I find myself wondering if there's any point to anything. It feels like I'm working so hard at meaningless stuff, just to get by. Anyone else feel this way?
That isn't my request, just an example of what someone might type.
Remember that the point of the thread is to let people know that they are heard and that they are not alone!
Let's all be kind!
Response: I really cannot stress seeing a therapist enough. Even if you hit on a bad one, there are so many good ones out there that will act as this sounding board, this anchor to truth and self-actualization, that it's worth possibly making a miss on one or two.
A psychiatrist will prescribe you pills. A therapist will listen to you. It sounds like you need the latter more than the former, although I'm no professional.
Everyone walks around with a certain amount of uncertainty and inadequacy, but you have no reason to have extra. I understand being deeply personal with people out of desperation. My time with my therapist has helped me immensely with not needing outside validation of my own mental state.
There's a lot to be anxious about. That isn't a reflection on you as a person, it's just a thing that's happening to you right now. And like most things, this too shall pass.
If nothing else, this stranger on the internet isn't put off by your level of candor, and I really genuinely wish you health and a happy life.
Response: This is something I can relate to, and I'm not just saying that because I posted this thread. If you've seen my comments around Tildes then you'll know I also have a tendency to overshare! And not just online either. I don't have any advice on that part other than I know the feeling too -- the second guessing something as it leaves your mouth and the beating yourself up after you get home and replay the conversation in the shower. The wondering what the other person thinks of you. The shame of meeting them the next time and all you can think is they KNOW, why did I tell them THAT?
If I had to give any advice, it's that it's really easy to find oneself inadequate. I think LGBT people like us face this even more than most, as so many of us grow up with messaging telling us such outright. Remember that this world is yours as much as it is everyone else's. You are not a visitor but an inhabitant, and you have just as much right to be yourself as everyone else does. This goes not just for being trans but for the whole of your person. You are adequate and you are enough. Nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.
Note: You mentioned deleting your post later. I've changed the original text so that Requesters have the option to receive public posts or PMs -- that way anyone who wishes to delete their post can do so without lingering remnants of it in public responses. If you'd rather receive PMs for your post, feel free to edit that in and I can delete this and send it to you that way instead.
Request: I hope it's not seen as gauche of me to put in my own request on my own thread, but I could use some pep from others here. I wasn't planning to share this, but the need arose so I figured I would.
I started up another year teaching and it's clear that my resentments for my job have fully taken over. Normally, at the beginning of the school year I have a new, fresh energy that slowly ebbs over time. This year I already feel like I'm running on empty, just a few weeks in. The demands of the job want me to slam on the gas pedal and not let up. I'm doing that, like I have every year, but I'm not even moving this time. The engine is dead. I'm at a full stop. And I've got a long way still to go.
I have experience with depression and can feel its telltale claws starting to sink into me. I don't believe it happens because my brain has a chemical imbalance but because my life situations are imbalanced. Every period of depression I've had has coincided with extreme life difficulty. I can feel it coming on again. I'm fighting it with all my might by eating well, going outside, exercising, and so on. Unfortunately, all of that feels like I'm not addressing the root cause: I hate my job. I loathe it. It feels like a bad marriage, where the weight of years of frustrations have built up to the point that I can't even come close to seeing what I once loved in it.
I feel trapped. Leaving teaching would be leaving a career I have worked incredibly hard for. I am still paying off my graduate degree. It took me years to climb the bureaucratic ladders of teacher credentialing. I'd be throwing away my entire career, and likely taking a significant paycut (and not to mention losing my amazing time off). Plus, what if I hate the new thing just as much? Am I even skilled enough for it? I have no doubt I can crush an interview, but people don't just get hired for speaking well, they get hired for what they can do, and we all know the popular perception of teachers as "those who can't." For as much pride as I take in my strengths, I can't deny that the shoe fits. Outside of being very patient with very difficult people, I'm unskilled.
On paper, it makes sense to stay, right? It can't be that bad, right? I'm lucky to have a job, especially one that pays well. There are plenty of people that work far harder and earn far less. I should be grateful, right?
I think my resentments have made me lose perspective, but I also think that some of my previous perspective was simply naive. Have I gained the clarity of experience or have I lost the focus of passion?
I don't know, all I know is that I cried earlier this evening when I tried to go to bed -- early, mind you, because good sleep fights depression. I didn't cry because of any particular thing -- just that going to sleep means there's nothing separating me from another day of work. If I go to sleep, the unconsciousness makes the next day immediate. If I stay up, I can fight the future and hold it off a little bit.
I'm going to really go to sleep now. I've been keeping to a consistent bedtime and it's been doing wonders for me, and if I don't turn off my phone I'll get sucked in, stay up, and be a zombie tomorrow. The day is already long enough. Trudging through it tired only drags it out more.
I'm not looking for answers or solutions, just kindness, thoughts, and concord. If you've got a solution, by all means, feel free to share it, just know that there's far more complexity to the situation than I've shared here. This isn't something with an easy answer.
I'd love to wake up tomorrow to messages, either here or by PM, from others in similar boats or with warm words to share. Similar to another poster here, I'll be deleting this at some point, but for now I'll leave it up. Goodnight all.
I have been through this many times in the past few years: one side of me desires passionately to become a scientist + teacher, but the other side is in constant doubt: will I make it? will I like it? what will I do if I dont? Difficult, exhausting, and people just don't understand this if they haven't been through. People who know I know programming think that I'm an idiot for not doing that instead, for it pays better, let alone sympathising with the FUD my brain creates for me to suffer...
I think it's really really brave of you that you admit your resentments and growing dislike of your job. Especially given the amount of effort you've put in to it. That's the hardest step to take: to recognise. As you grow older, as time goes by, it becomes a success in and of itself to want fundamental change. Congratulations for that! I really sympathise with you.
In my little life the solution would be "fuck this I'm outta here": I'd probably quit right away, assuming no big responsibilities. I'd even suffice becoming a server or barista, if that means I'm happier. The reason I'm talking about myself is that I don't know your responsibilities. If you were a friend of mine, and you were single (or at least didn't have children), and we were talking over a beer, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest you change careers. "Fuck effort, if it's not making you happy now, or it won't make you happy in the future, what does it mean to have put effort into it," I'd say, confidently.
Can't you get back into teaching if you want it later? You could give yourself a little sabbatical. If your economical situation allows it, well, this life happens once, and if you ask me, I'd rather be happy than well-off in it.
You deserve to do something that makes you happy, or at least doesn't eat the happiness you already have away. IMHO just do it if you can afford it!
Response:
Sincere hugs and gratitude for your accomplishments, whether it feels to you like you deserve them or not.
I've gone through a very similar experience in a different field recently, and on prior occasions. I also had a family member who dropped out of teaching after 40 years, with only another year to full retirement.
It's not the end of the world, regardless of whether you decide to continue or change roles. Understand that whatever happens is not your fault. Teaching is an incredibly difficult, demanding profession with loads of emotional labor. If you're in the U.S., you'll barely get any professional respect at all, at least in part because of the stupid and inequitable ways we fund and regulate education. I'm personally acquainted with at least eight teachers who've called it quits, for reasons ranging from horrible parents to physical assault, active shooter drills, and mental breakdown. It's not just you.
In short, whatever decision you make, have some clarity that it's not your failure or shortcoming that brought you to this difficult place.
I'm very familiar with the career burnout plus depression you're describing. The ugly thing about depression is that it will lie to you - you may think of every possible means of blaming yourself for your situation, constantly replay what you should have done, under-rate your generalizable skills, and otherwise collect sticks to beat yourself with. You may never forgive yourself for operating in the real world of incomplete information, where no one has actually come up with better answers or strategies for life than what you've arrived at, without great good fortune or powerful allies.
The ongoing financial stress is just another layer of painful constraint and obligation, the sunk cost fallacy that binds you to continue in a torturous path.
It sounds like you're at the point where professional help would be beneficial. I'm guessing your life is so full of demands that it may seem impossible to include self-care. From what you've indicated, your day-to-day stress is costing you sleep and you feel that your emotional life is no longer under your control. You're signaling that you feel helpless in your situation. For me, that feeling was the crucial indication that I needed an outside perspective. You should consider seeing a peer or external counselor, and likely a psychiatrist.
Burnout is an insidious, traitorous phenomenon - it can manifest as both depression and physical illnesses from stress. Please don't wait until the ongoing injuries to your body and mind make the decision for you - get help, start testing all the strategies for change.
Thank you for reaching out and listening to people who appreciate you and care about your well-being.
Please feel free to PM me for advice, support, or any other help I can provide. I've welcomed your presence on Tildes and wish you happiness, whether or not you find it in your choice of profession.
Hey, I'm not a teacher, but I understand feeling ungrateful for the easy aspects of your job.
I'm about 2 1/4 years into my first job out of college. I'm a 3D modeling artist, and I got this job by doing some freelance work for this company while I was a student. They took me on full time, and for the first 6 months everything was peachy keen. A little tough as I adjusted to working life, but I had purpose and momentum.
Now, they've lost all need for me. I'm doing video editing because they have no one else to do it. I hate this job. I'm unfulfilled, no one talks to me (everyone is in their 50s and 60s while I'm 26), and feel so under-utilized. I've gone through month long stretches where I had no clear task at all and just kind of worked on my own initiatives. I'm ashamed to admit I've spent most of my time here doing fuck-all on Reddit. I 100% work less than 40 hours a week. I try to build my portfolioduring the down-time in hopes of getting another job, but man is it hard. I've applied to so many jobs and hardly any have even replied. I feel hopeless and want to quit and just explore the US for a while, but I have 31k in student loans and a lease that ends in June. I thankfully have saved up about 15k, so I have a little bit of a safety net, but its still so nerve-wrecking to feel un-needed at my job, and un-wanted by other studies.
Prior to this I worked at Target for a Summer. I made a good friend there, with whom I'm still great friends with today. I feel so bad for wasting my time, deceiving my employers, and just complaining when I know how tough it is to work retail, and how little it pays. My friend has grown at Target to the point he gets paid the same as I do, but he works his ass off for that money.
I don't have a solution, but I wanted to share my experience since you probably work harder than I do, and maybe you can feel better about yourself if you know there's someone else being even more ungrateful.
Good luck in life. I hope we both find eventual fulfillment in our careers.
Request: for me every day becomes a test. now my idea of suicide is more often than any other. the thought of suicide lasts from childhood. from time to time I conquered thoughts of suicide and it seemed that everything was gone. But again and again, the brain found reason to die. the brain has honed filigree arguments against life. Now I know that everything comes from a disease (depression) that causes a loss of strength, and the brain mercilessly seeks arguments for avoiding any work.
Now I think about death more often than I don’t think, and I want to die from my heart and am even glad to meet death. the only thing that bothers me is parallel desires. desire to meet a girl or desire not to leave mother alone or desire to realize plans.
Thank you.
I don't want to detail all of my feelings for so as not to tire the readers, but believe me, I already know all of your recommendations. maybe this will work for someone, but I don't have the strength (energy) even to start a relationship with a friend or girl. after a series of failures, I try to burn all the intentions to meet someone or to realize the goals (plans), but so far I have enough strength to recover from a long pause and try again and again.
Request: I'm not employed, in education, or training; I am a NEET. It's been this way for at least two years now.
I had plans. After graduating I intended to go on this major trip. There's no reason to go into specifics, but I had intended it to be a sort of test of character or at least a shift in perspective. Then my travel buddy dropped out on me. He was lacking motivation, fell behind in his studies, and wasn't graduating. Going alone wasn't an option.
At the time I had a position as a student worker on campus. To be a student worker you need to be, well, a student. There was a path to being a regular employee, but by the time I realized my trip wasn't happening I couldn't meet any of the requirements. I graduated with all my plans ruined and no backup.
To be honest, I was already at a low point. That last semester saw me visiting one of the campus' therapists several times before everything fell apart. Ultimately the therapist made me feel worse, so I stopped. With all that, I decided I would just take a break. I'd act as if I had gone on the trip, but instead stay with my parents until my original return date.
That date came and went. For a bit I managed to stir up enough enthusiasm to get some preparation done, but I can't say it has amounted to anything. Early on my brother told me of an opening where he worked, but by the time I bothered to look into it, it was gone. Then some months later another job opened there. This time I applied, was interviewed, and promptly rejected. More recently a job opening was pointed out by extended family. I was certain I would get this job. Last week I heard from that extended family that someone else had been hired.
Now, here I am. Lost. The motivation to break out just isn't there, and every time I have tried has been a failure. I don't leave home often. I basically live in just two rooms. I have a single close friend, but it's been months since we've been able to meet in person. I'm not unconvinced that I haven't actually been depressed for most of my life. It's just that up until graduation I had some structure in place. Now there's nothing holding me up.
I'm so sorry to hear that things have gone the way that they have. I know it can be so frustrating and disappointing when people in life let you down.
I know what it's like to feel lost, like your stuck in a place and no matter how much effort you put forth it won't change the outcome. That's when I lost motivation. I'm here to tell you that today is not forever. You will get out of this place and move forward in life. Your efforts won't always get you the result that you want, but they do make a difference.
If you feel like you are struggling with depression it's really important to get help. I know that can be hard when you've had a bad experience with a professional before, but please, keep trying. I saw 3 councilors before I found one that has really helped me to work through my past and create coping skills to deal with depression. I went through multiple medications before finding one that worked for me.
I know you can do this. I know that you can make a plan and overcome these hard things in life. Keep working on it, keep pushing through and don't ever forget that things can and will eventually get better.