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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (April 2022)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I started a new job in a new industry. I am in general a positive person who is forward-looking and just wants to get along with people.
The position I'm in now doesn't require a license in my state, and I'm being trained on the job by other people who are established there. They all have years of experience over me. I'm a pretty savvy/smart person, I taught myself everything I know. No school.
But this workplace has been extremely toxic. The well-established people there aren't exactly happy to be in the industry they're in. They've all been looking to me to give them relief in the form of reducing their workload, but haven't been the most open-minded or generous about how much training I need.
I can grasp things quite easily, however, it helps me a lot if I'm not trained like a dog. I need to know what the button I'm pushing does, instead of just being told to "push this button". The issue is the same old one--just because you have the knowledge inside your head, doesn't mean you have the capacity or skill to relay it to another human being so that they can understand it.
The other problem is, many of these people take all their experience and knowledge for granted in the way that they forget simple but important details that are so practiced to them, they aren't taught to me. I end up being chewed out because I missed something that was neither taught to me nor ever mentioned to me.
This, compounded with the insecurity and toxicity of more than half the team and office dynamics/politics, has been a recipe for making me feel like shit every day I'm at work.
Toxic is tough. Is the learning worth it? Not to mention the money.
My job is very fulfilling and rewarding for me. I love it so far. I think of it as my career. This is big because up until now, in my late 30s, I didn't have a real job or career. It was just shitty job after shitty job. This workplace is great except for the toxicity of some people.
It's a hump I will get over eventually. It's just hard right now because I'm laden with expectations while simultaneously not being given the help I need in order to meet those expectations.
just a bit lonely. I don't know how to fix this.
I feel ya brother. No advice or helpful suggestions, but I feel the same way very often.
I can't advise on how to "fix" it, but treating the symptoms is usually doable via activities. Check out meetup.com as well as Facebook Events for your city, they're good starting points.
Struggling with a couple of things.
I enjoy my job and new position- but as with all jobs, no matter how much I like them, I get weary of working 40 hours a week every week. Just the constant return to this status quo every week is exhausting. Weekends are never long enough. By the time I get comfortable and settle into my weekend, it's over.
Struggling also to manage my time wisely and actually get my house cleaned and up to a good standard of decency/cleanliness. It's not hoarder-bad, but I hate it, but having trouble getting off my butt to tackle it, even bit by bit. It's just so overwhelming and it's easier to just sit and watch something or whatever.
On a bright note, as of today I'm officially down a pant size since I've been making healthier choices, so that is some great consolation, bought a couple of new pairs of jeans to celebrate. I also just got a way overdue haircut and feel like a new person.
It's difficult to live on a 40 hour workweek. That's why there's so many people on /r/workreform. A full work schedule is seldom conducive to a healthy lifestyle, unfortunately. We are all looking for alternatives.
Indeed. I should appreciate what I do have, though. Although I work 40 hours, I am paid well, have good benefits, and because I am on my own, I have far more free time than many other people do.
But, yes, reform is something we drastically need. Not just in terms of hours, but in terms of benefits, and considerations of decoupling them from work and providing them as a society instead, etc.
I'm sad that r/antiwork started off so radical, but then it was slowly co-opted by liberals just wanting to reform wage slavery, and then there was a mass exodus to r/workreform which is focused on just that. Why can't people see that work itself is the problem and dressing it up won't fix the rotten core? That's not an attack on you for suggesting the subbreddit, I just wish r/antiwork stayed radical and that horrible interview didn't cause people to leave to the more milquetoast subbreddit.
Well, in your view I'm probably part of the problem. I don't think the name "antiwork" is very useful for a broader movement. It's an invitation to hate and misunderstanding. It works if you wish to remain as a radical subculture, and that's fine. But when I want to communicate to a broader audience, /r/workreform just sounds a lot better, avoiding lots of useless debate.
I don't think you're part of the problem. Your method is great to reach a wider audience and move them towards being more radical. I just can't help but mourn the loss of that space, and I feel it was co-opted to some degree.
So I managed to secure a spot in a neuropsychology project in the local university, which will allow me to be evaluated for autism completely for free. Had the first session this morning.
What they do is not psychotherapy, but rather a battery of tests to determine possible flaws in my cognitive functioning, as well as interviews and observations of my behavior.
I have been to a neuropsychologist before and I can't say I find the process any pleasant. There's no real effort towards building empathy and I feel like a lab rat. They're not interested in my stories, it's like "just tell me enough to fill the form, please".
At the same time, I assume there's some science behind that approach, and I'm willing to endure. Generally, when I talk to a psychologist, they clearly make an effort to leave me in a good mood, but neuropsychologists are like "fuck you, I'm a scientist!" Lol.
Okay, I suppose! I'm not there to make friends, and it is free. Besides, there's very few people qualified to assess autism in adults, so I don't have a lot of options.
I've been eyeing this online assessment program/service for a while, which seems to be sensibly designed with adults in mind, but it takes a non-trivial amount of money (CA$500 for initial screening, another CA$1,050 for the diagnosis).
One of the reasons for me to use a local service is legal, since it will be recognized by local government and can help me access the (very few) benefits I may be eligible by law. Thanks!
In the comments section of that page, there are a few exchanges (link to one example) that suggest that some governments may accept their diagnosis even if it's from another country, with increased odds when you ask it to be signed by a medical doctor (which requires additional payment). So it may be worth verifying with the local government if you haven't already. There may be other routes to obtaining a diagnosis besides this particular service, if it turns out that they accept non-local sources.
I myself haven't pursued a formal diagnosis so far since I've been able to get by in human society somehow (not to suggest you aren't getting by), and I've never felt I had the surplus energy to deal with governmental processes to qualify for benefits, though I wish I could secure any kind of safety net as my relatives either live overseas or have grown distant.
Note: It seems like the link in my first comment isn't the canonical landing page for their assessment process. This one is linked from the site's navigation menu and such. This page doesn't list specific prices, but its chatbot can answer queries about the cost and replied with the same price points as of this writing.
Thanks for the information ;)
I can't imagine how hard this is. I admire your willingness to go through such cold treatment to help advance the science.
Thanks, but I don't care about the advancement of science, what I want is an answer about what do I have! :P
Based on what little I know about clinical trials and research, you probably will get what you're paying for, but you never know.
Thanks, that makes sense, but I wonder if it's a good idea to "turn up the heat" in the very first session when we just met. Less invested or easily scared individuals might never come back.
Wondering about how am I supposed to go about learning how to 'properly' socialize/interact with others, if I do get around to doing that.
I'm 16, so school is where I would/may try to socialize if it didn't intimidate me and give me the feeling that trying to befriend (well, dating would come later for me) people is something that isn't very/at all enjoyable for the initiator, mostly just hoping you're interesting to them while not just giving away that the primary reason you're interacting with them is that you aren't content with your lack of friendships and/or relationships with a self-deprecating comment. (Well, at least that's how I feel about talking to strangers with the intent of having some form of platonic relationship with them. For some reason just going out of my way do that doesn't feel like it appeals to me.) Is this just something you deal with when stepping out of your comfort zone? Do you guys have a different/better worldview/perspective to look at this stuff with?
This all goes on top of the fact that, in general, my plan when it came to building a social circle was that I would spend what I assume would be months trying to figure out an appropriate time/context to meander into some manner of signaling that I am interested in interacting somewhat regularly with this person and having a platonic relationship with them or as a way of me to figure out if we wouldn't be wholly incompatible for this outta the gate, and I figured that after spending those months figuring out a way of doing that that doesn't feel like shoe-horning that into a conversation, I would have learned some basic social skills and have made a few friends, and I could focus on enjoying that fact and perhaps prepare to move on to dating.
Thing is, in-person classes returned, the real world happened and I ended up with a group of people in such a situation where we are definitely not strangers to eachother but I feel that it doesn't fit my conception of friendship as a type of relationship where we do and talk about lots of (not just school related lol) stuff together, so now it feels like I have the choice of trying to get closer to some of these people and when I can call them friends I can call it a day and try to move on to dating, or if I should try to make a friend "from scratch" by talking to a stranger, since succeeding in building a relationship with a stranger would imply I have some basic/decent social competence, which feels like my actual objective here to be honest.
As someone who still, in his 40s, wonders if the people around him who he's known for years and share regular celebrations with "actually count" as friends...
We're thinking it through way more than most people. What if learned is this: if you spend time around other people and aren't a jerk, you'll be a casual friend. If you and the other person both propose things to do and then follow through on doing them, you'll be good friends.
Hang out more with the people you actually want to hang out with. Those people will become friends with time.
I could’ve written a nearly identical post when I was your age. Ten years out since then, I can promise you that while it’s hard now, it gets WAY easier once you have the basics down. Here’s what I wish I’d known at your age:
First off, read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnagie. It changed my life, and same for thousand of others. Don’t take the title at face value - the author himself grew to hate the name. It’s a very clear and easy guide to interacting in a likable manner, and will give you an amazing foundation/playbook for growing social skills. You won’t be flying blind anymore.
Second, pick any physical activity that appeals to you and has a social element. Then do it for at least a year. Getting in better shape will give you more confidence, and the exercise will help you stay in a good mood - people notice and respond to those. You will possibly make friends this way, but don’t make it a goal, just introduce yourself and chat as much as you’re comfortable with.
Be patient - it’ll take time, but I promise you that you can do it. Hope this helps!
For the first time in .. two months or so, I feel genuinely happy. Warm fuzzies.
I have missed this.
I haven't been able to write in this thread because my life has been such an utter psychological mess. A few friends have helped me get through some of the hardest parts of it. But tonight, tonight, I'm happy and hopeful for the future, relaxed, chill and excited, joyful, idk.
I've been on the edge of depression for a while (possibly actually depressed, it's kinda hard to tell), with ups and downs so strong they made me wonder about potential underlying conditions. Today is finally an "up" day. I'm watching YouTube videos and just taking in how exciting the material I'm watching is.
I will edit this post if this crashes back down hard tomorrow. We will see. I want to believe.
I am doing pretty good. I have been tutoring the university course once a week. I think I am not very good at teaching or at explaining things, or even at helping students solve issues they encounter, but I still think I am doing quite fine. Considering it is the first time doing it and the fact that I was basically thrown into the deep end without much preparation. The last few seminars the attendance was quite terrible, only about 1/3 students enrolled showed up. But I'll guess that isn't due to me being terrible at teaching (well that is definitely also part of it) but mostly because attendance at the seminars isn't mandatory.
Still, I am enjoying and have enjoyed doing this so far. So if the lecturer doesn't decide that I was too bad and they don't want me to do it next time, I'll continue tutoring the same course in the remaining semesters of my masters studies. Maybe I'll even get better at teaching it for next time.
Other than that I have just been really busy. I am writing this comment right after quite a large deadline has ended so I spent most of today doing nothing, procrastinating starting on all the other tasks that started piling up while I was finishing this one. I'll get to them tomorrow, definitely. But everything has been manageable so far, and it is also kind of nice in a way to be really busy. You don't get a chance to be sad and think about dumb stuff when you have to focus on doing productive stuff. I am kind of looking forward to just spending a whole week doing nothing though.
As always whenever I am quite busy, I started thinking about all the great stuff I would like to do when I am less busy. And as always, I will definitely not do any of these things when summer comes and I'll have free time again. Ahh, escapism. Again, I am also seriously considering changing my name in the summer when things calm down again, even though I still feel it is stupid and I shouldn't.
Our company has hit a few technical hurdles during R&D of a new product. We've plugged quite a few resources into what may actually not be a feasible commercial product. While it had promising results early on, we're finding scaling difficult to impossible. It was a pretty big gamble that doesn't seem to be paying off.
Edit: (to keep on topic) It has been a bit of a roller coaster in terms of mood and mental health. Some days feel like we've solved the issues and other we hit brick walls. I know it's all part of development, but boy the highs and lows of this process have felt extreme.