Basil's recent activity
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (April 2023) in ~talk
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2022) in ~talk
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2022) in ~talk
Basil LinkAs always I feel like everything is all the same. It's not true at all. I now have a job and between that, still studying and also teaching a course I now have basically zero time. That has been...As always I feel like everything is all the same. It's not true at all. I now have a job and between that, still studying and also teaching a course I now have basically zero time. That has been fine for a few months, but now I am starting to be a bit tired from it. And wow time passes so so fast when very busy, it's great and scary at the same time. I still can't comprehend how people can just work 40 hours per week their whole life. Granted, I probably am working more than 40 hours if I add everything up, but still. I guess you just get used to it. Life is so weird.
I once again find myself thinking about all the amazing stuff I will do... next year, after a thing is done. It never happens.
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Comment on What are you battling with right now? in ~talk
Basil LinkProcrastination. I really need to start working on an important thing that I have been putting off a few weeks now. It has been really nice to go on a lot of summer walks and relax for the few...Procrastination. I really need to start working on an important thing that I have been putting off a few weeks now. It has been really nice to go on a lot of summer walks and relax for the few weeks but I really need to get back on track or things will get a lot more stressful. I wish I could just spend the whole summer doing nothing, but that is probably not going to ever happen again. Getting older sucks.
The reason I gave myself to allow myself to procrastinate so much is that I've been seriously thinking about making some big changes in my life, but I think I am done thinking and ultimately decided that I need to wait at least another year until I am done with my degree.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2022) in ~talk
Basil Link ParentWell, through the university we can have 5 sessions maximum, they know that and also reminded me of that, so they aren't really probably trying to set up for too much of a long term plan. They...Well, through the university we can have 5 sessions maximum, they know that and also reminded me of that, so they aren't really probably trying to set up for too much of a long term plan.
They asked me if I want to schedule a follow up, possibly in two weeks, as they thought I could go more in depth on a few of the topics. I said that I'll think it through and decide later, they did offer some interesting thoughts but I am not sure if I want to go to another session with them, I haven't decided yet. They didn't tell me that they want to organize the sessions in any other way in the future, so I assume the next session would be similar too.
I am not saying therapy is pointless, just that I didn't really see any real use in this consultation, I don't know what "actual" therapy is like.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2022) in ~talk
Basil LinkI saw a psychologist today. It's something I thought might help me for years, but never actually forced myself to go to one before. A few days ago, I was once again venting to my friend about my...I saw a psychologist today. It's something I thought might help me for years, but never actually forced myself to go to one before. A few days ago, I was once again venting to my friend about my problems and later that day while browsing the internet I checked my universities page, and saw that there's a open spot for a psychological consultation in a time slot in just a few days, so I decided to try it finally as there was basically no barrier to do it.
I am happy that I tried it, but I think it didn't really help me at all. I told them basically my whole life story. I talked about all the things that make me anxious. I also wanted to talk a lot about wanting to change my name, and I did, but they didn't really help me decide at all if I want to do it (I understand that's probably what they are supposed to do). It all felt a bit pointless. They listened and they felt like a good person but it also felt a bit useless. Like I talked about this stuff a lot with my friends already and while it's nice it doesn't really resolve anything.
I am still happy that I at least tried it, I wanted to do it for years, so I am happy that I finally pushed myself to do it. For some dumb reason I thought that it will change my life, but that is of course very irrational.
Other than that, it's summer and even though I finished one set of deadlines, there's another set of things I really need to start working on over the summer. Life is just a machine for deadlines.
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Comment on TV Tuesdays Free Talk in ~tv
Basil LinkI finished watching Heartstopper today. I always like to watch new gay romance movies/series so I was looking forward to see it, I watch like one show/movie each year haha so it is always quite...I finished watching Heartstopper today. I always like to watch new gay romance movies/series so I was looking forward to see it, I watch like one show/movie each year haha so it is always quite special for me. It was actually quite good! I've been reading the webcomic it is based on for quite a long time so I knew it had potential, but I was still quite surprised.
I don't know if it is just my but I wasn't really a fan of quite a similar series like Love, Victor, Love, Simon or Sex Education. They felt just a bit too cringy and fake to me, so many weird love triangles and things like that. This one felt much better. The plot is pretty much exactly what you would expect but it was really good. I wonder if Netflix is planning to make another season. I kind of want more because it was really good, but I also don't really want more because it already ended in a quite nice self-contained way without too many loose ends and I am worried that another season wouldn't be so good.
Some pathetic venting
I feel incredibly pathetic when I mention this, but whenever I consume media like this, I always feel intense jealousy towards the fake imaginary characters. Jealousy isn't really a good word because to me it implies some hatred towards the character, I mean more like.... I just wish my life was more like theirs. God, I wish I could have had a relationship like this. When I was ~16 I didn't know a single gay person in my school. To be honest I didn't even fully realize that I am gay at that time. I still haven't even come close to being in a relationship like this. So watching/reading something like this feels like a weird kind of selftorture, I know my life isn't going to become a romantic movie, but I still wish it did. I am always like, wow this character is also a sad melancholic nerd weirdo like me (that is also very stupid, obviously in reality I am not really like these characters), except they found love, how unfair! I almost cried when watching the end of the final episode of this. And I also was almost angry at the same time that I didn't get to have that in my life. It is physically not possible for me to have a high school romance now, after all it has been many years since I was 16 haha, so why am I thinking dumb stuff like this? But hopefully I am still somehow gonna get to have a nice relationship like this, I am not giving up hope. :*)Oh boy I really am pathetic!
If you read all this stuff and didn't watch Heartstopper yet I would definitely recommend it! Also here's two random other recommendations which Heartstopper reminds me of, the webcomic Always Raining Here -- https://www.alwaysraininghere.com/ and an anime called Given.
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Has anyone here actually acted on their escapist fantasies?
I would love to hear stories of all the tilderinoes here who somehow acted on their impulses to somehow upend their lives, that could be in small or big ways -- moving to another country, changing...
I would love to hear stories of all the tilderinoes here who somehow acted on their impulses to somehow upend their lives, that could be in small or big ways -- moving to another country, changing careers, changing their name, anything else.
I very often think about how someday I'll finally take hold of my life and suddenly start doing all the things I'd like to if I do some "big thing", whatever that currently is (changing my name, moving abroad...). So I was wondering if it is at all realistic, if anyone here actually has experience with something similar and if it actually helped to improve their life.
I always really enjoy reading advice people give here, even though I sadly do not ever actually really use it. Thank you.20 votes -
Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (April 2022) in ~talk
Basil LinkI am doing pretty good. I have been tutoring the university course once a week. I think I am not very good at teaching or at explaining things, or even at helping students solve issues they...I am doing pretty good. I have been tutoring the university course once a week. I think I am not very good at teaching or at explaining things, or even at helping students solve issues they encounter, but I still think I am doing quite fine. Considering it is the first time doing it and the fact that I was basically thrown into the deep end without much preparation. The last few seminars the attendance was quite terrible, only about 1/3 students enrolled showed up. But I'll guess that isn't due to me being terrible at teaching (well that is definitely also part of it) but mostly because attendance at the seminars isn't mandatory.
Still, I am enjoying and have enjoyed doing this so far. So if the lecturer doesn't decide that I was too bad and they don't want me to do it next time, I'll continue tutoring the same course in the remaining semesters of my masters studies. Maybe I'll even get better at teaching it for next time.
Other than that I have just been really busy. I am writing this comment right after quite a large deadline has ended so I spent most of today doing nothing, procrastinating starting on all the other tasks that started piling up while I was finishing this one. I'll get to them tomorrow, definitely. But everything has been manageable so far, and it is also kind of nice in a way to be really busy. You don't get a chance to be sad and think about dumb stuff when you have to focus on doing productive stuff. I am kind of looking forward to just spending a whole week doing nothing though.
As always whenever I am quite busy, I started thinking about all the great stuff I would like to do when I am less busy. And as always, I will definitely not do any of these things when summer comes and I'll have free time again. Ahh, escapism. Again, I am also seriously considering changing my name in the summer when things calm down again, even though I still feel it is stupid and I shouldn't.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2022) in ~talk
Basil LinkI feel very annoyed. I got covid again, right at the beginning of a new semester. It is quite minor I guess, I'll probably just miss around one week off stuff, but also fuck this, this is...I feel very annoyed. I got covid again, right at the beginning of a new semester. It is quite minor I guess, I'll probably just miss around one week off stuff, but also fuck this, this is literally the third semester in a row that some shit like this happens at the start of a semester. I am also now a tutor at a seminar, which means I'll have to miss one and we have to somehow find a replacement for me. Like come on, give me a break. I just want to do what I need to, not like it's much but it's not nothing and having to always catch up is so annoying.
Other than that not much is happening, everything is still the same as always. Still didn't go to therapy, ignoring everything is working so far. Still have no plans to move out.
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Comment on What's on your mind? in ~talk
Basil LinkI am going to be a tutor for a university course. This is very weird for me as I always considered myself to be not a good speaker, socially awkward and things like that. The main teacher of the...I am going to be a tutor for a university course. This is very weird for me as I always considered myself to be not a good speaker, socially awkward and things like that.
The main teacher of the course basically specifically choose me, because they thought I did really well in this course and the course following it and asked me to help. That feels very strange to me. I don't think I am bad at the subject matter of the courses, but I still would never think that someone would specifically choose me like this. These two classes were probably my favorite classes I took so far, so I couldn't decline when they asked me.
I hope I won't be too bad at this.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (December 2021) in ~talk
Basil Link ParentI am just very stuck. I wanted to try therapy for years already, and many times looked up therapists nearby, but I always find some minor thing. For example, I don't do it because I don't want to...I am just very stuck. I wanted to try therapy for years already, and many times looked up therapists nearby, but I always find some minor thing. For example, I don't do it because I don't want to make a phone call, get scared that I would actually have to pay for it, just random stupid minor stuff. Some time ago I looked at therapists available through my university and saw that it was very hassle free, just choose a time slot online and that is basically it. The only problem is that the first available time slot was in 3 months, so I again instead just decided that I don't want to bother with it.
I feel stuck in a loop -- again and again I realize that I am unhappy with things in my life, think about trying to change things, maybe send some desperate messages asking for help into the internet void, or even actually send them to my friends. But after some time I realize that it would take too much effort and that I am actually kind of happy with the status quo, just doing everything I need to do, keeping on top of all responsibilities. After all, if I just do everything I need to, focus on my studies, get a good job, I'll have a good life ahead of me. I have realized this a few years ago and considering that I still haven't done anything real to change things, it just seems I won't ever change anything.
I guess if I am already writing I'll vent a bit about the fact that I had another panic attack a week ago. I woke up at night incredibly sweaty, feeling nauseous and started panicking immediately. I got really worried that it will become a regular thing now and that I am actually sick somehow. But somehow, after sitting next to the toilet for quite a long time I managed not to vomit and I just calmed down and after a bit just went back to sleep. I am really glad it ended so ok.
Thank you for responding to me, I really appreciate it.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (December 2021) in ~talk
Basil LinkNot doing the best. I had a panic attack for the first time in basically 2 years, which has caused an incredibly unpleasant night for me. details, discussing getting pretty sick, kind of NSFL...Not doing the best. I had a panic attack for the first time in basically 2 years, which has caused an incredibly unpleasant night for me.
details, discussing getting pretty sick, kind of NSFL stuff
I think I definitely have some kind of phobia to getting sick and vomiting.
warning you again, quite disgusting stuff ahead
I was going to bed this night, feeling a bit queasy, but thinking that it was mostly just some stuck gas or something. After lying in bed for some time, I started getting very anxious for some reason, even though I have just been passing some gas really, nothing serious. Some time later, already trembling like stupid, I got up to go to the bathroom, and had some partly diarrhea like poop. Still, this mostly calmed me down, because everything was kind of over. I was sad that I had a panic attack again after such a long time, so I messaged a friend and told him to somehow force me to go to therapy, because this is not normal.But everything wasn't over. I was still having a panic attack, that just kept getting worse for a long time. The first time I had a panic attack a few years ago, my parents called an ambulance for me. That was probably understandable, as I was vomiting, crying, trembling inhumanly, breathing stupidly. Everything basically out of nowhere and they never saw anything like this, and nor did I. I legitimately thought I was going to die. This time, I already knew what was happening, and I knew I won't die, but was just unable to calm down at all despite all my efforts. And everything was repeating again. Following, I had diarrhea, vomited, somehow cleaned up, went back to bed, still panicking very hard, and after some time repeated everything again. At one time, I was even vomiting and having diarrhea at literally the same time. After what felt like at least a few hours I was feeling utterly powerless, without any energy, pleading the universe to let this be over already. The cycle happened so many times, that at the end there was basically nothing more to get out. I didn't understand how it could be possibly going on for such a long time, I thought that my body had to have tired itself out much much earlier from freaking out so much.
The next day was spent mostly trying to sleep, drink a lot and eat some very diet food. I was mostly ok by the next night. I have no idea what was actually wrong with me. Was it started by food poisoning? By some very short lived illness? Was it all caused by the panic attack? I have no idea, really. I just hope it will be at least a few years before I have to experience anything even remotely close to this again.
Now I am pretty much fully ok, I don't even think I lost too much weight. The sad thing is that during that whole ordeal, I was somehow thinking that after this is done, I would somehow finally work towards change, fix everything bothering me, prevent this from happening again, or at least get well prepared. Like some phoenix, reborn from diarrhea and vomit. Of course, that didn't happen.
When I looked at my messages, two days after sending the message to my friend, I saw that he wrote me some nice messages, and sent me some links to therapists that a friend of his recommended. Very nice, but I am already ignoring everything he wrote a few days later. As always. I will just pretend nothing has happened. I kind of wish he literally booked an appointment with a therapist for me and dragged me there, but that is also very unreasonable. Why should he need to do that, when a normal person can just book an appointment by themselves. He is also dealing with a lot of stressful stuff, so why should he have to make his life worse by having to deal with me.
I am sorry if you read this.
After all that, everything is basically back to business as usual for me.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2021) in ~talk
Basil Link ParentI had to attend another funeral. Sadly, my good sleep didn't last. I am back to spending at least an hour lying in bed unable to fall asleep each night.I had to attend another funeral.
Sadly, my good sleep didn't last. I am back to spending at least an hour lying in bed unable to fall asleep each night.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2021) in ~talk
Basil LinkNot the greatest. But also quite ok. The amount of stuff I have to do every week is quite reasonable. No terrible huge deadlines are close, just a few small manageable, but still important...Not the greatest. But also quite ok. The amount of stuff I have to do every week is quite reasonable. No terrible huge deadlines are close, just a few small manageable, but still important deadlines. One of the most important things is getting good sleep. And most days I am getting pretty good sleep.
Quite often these days I feel very lonely. I would do almost anything to have a partner who would hug me every day. I have friends that I see every few weeks that I can talk to, and which I use for hugs. I am very grateful for that. But I would selfishly, undeservedly like to have a partner, who I could use for hugs and talking (and other things) every day.
Whenever I get a longer chance to think deeply, I figure out the same few things that bother me, that I would like to change. But I never do. I hate that if I don't absolutely have to do something, I don't really ever do it.
I have picked a rough date for when I will go change my name. It has been almost a year since I seriously started to consider changing my name and I am still seriously considering it, so that probably means it's not just a spontaneous decision I would regret. The date is a bit over half a year from now, at a time when I should have basically nothing going on hopefully. So if I won't change my mind by then, I will probably do it.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (September 2021) in ~talk
Basil LinkI am angry. For a while, almost two months I was starting to get pretty satisfied with my life. It is great, being able to just do whatever for almost two months. A bit disappointed I didn't get a...I am angry.
For a while, almost two months I was starting to get pretty satisfied with my life. It is great, being able to just do whatever for almost two months. A bit disappointed I didn't get a job, travel somewhere really cool, or maybe worked on some personal projects during the period. I also didn't mind it, though, as I was going on a lot of walks, sleeping well and just was in a pretty good spot.
As the summer ended, I was starting to get really anxious about everythimg coming up, had a few nights where I couldnt fall asleep for hours. But I was also quite excited, as I would be studying stuff that I am pretty interested in. And when the semester started I was even more excited, having lectures not over zoom again was really cool and the courses I was taking were living up to my expectations.
But then, one evening when I was walking back home after classes in the evening, when I fell in a really stupid way. I fell mostly on my arm, which as I got home I realized hurts quite bad to move around fully. After a night without sleep, due to being unable to find a position where my arm didn't hurt too much while lying on the bed, I got convinved by my parents that I really should go to a doctor. Got my arm xrayed, they said that they arent sure if its fractured but that it looks pretty bad so they put in a cast. I also almost vomited and or fainted on the nurse while they were putting the cast on, cause I was so anxious from the hospital.
When I got home, I was so angry at the world. What the fuck did i do to deserve this, I was starting to be doing quite good. Multiple times I just started yelling expletives cause of how angry i was/am. When i see myself in the mirror, looking like shit, i just say fuck you, fuck you,fuck you,fuck you. Also got a scraped chin, makes me look even more handsome. Now I am sitting at home, not getting any schoolwork done, falling behind on things, and dreading having to do work at the computer with this dfumb cast. or going to school with it. I know nobody cares, but I am already anxious in public places without stuff like this. why the fuck... also I am definitely catastrophizing. But I am so disappointed.
(sorry for any mistakes its difficult to type with one hand, this took so long to type out but i really needed to vent)
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2021) in ~talk
Basil Link ParentI feel you. I think I have similar experiences with dating like you. I also tried many different dating sites/apps and over a few years have went on quite a few dates. But nothing ever went...I feel you. I think I have similar experiences with dating like you. I also tried many different dating sites/apps and over a few years have went on quite a few dates. But nothing ever went anywhere. Mostly the dates aren't bad, but people don't want to go on more dates with me. Just a few weeks ago I spent a nice night in the city with an amazing guy, but he didn't want to go out again.
Considering basically all other people I know do manage to find relationships without too much effort, even if sometimes they are short lived there is definitely something wrong. I feel like I am trying quite hard for quite some time. After all this time it would seem that the problem is probably not other people but me :(.
As you said, venting about this stuff online just feels bad. I don't really talk about it too much in real life with my friends too anymore, cause I don't want to be a pathetic guy who just complains. I have mostly accepted that I will probably always be single, while still trying to hang onto some hope. I try to cherish having some great friends, though it isn't really the same thing.
Sorry for venting. Good luck with the exam, with finding a partner and in life in general!
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (July 2021) in ~talk
Basil LinkI finished my degree! This has been one of the most stressful periods of my life so far, over the past year everything was just piling on and on. I am so happy that I am done with this now. So I...I finished my degree! This has been one of the most stressful periods of my life so far, over the past year everything was just piling on and on. I am so happy that I am done with this now.
So I am doing quite good now. And also the few months, or even the rest of the year should be mostly stress free. Kind of hard to believe.
I still haven't even started doing anything about the long term problems in my life, but in this moment I think I don't really care. I am happy with the status quo. I am looking forward to distracting myself from everything not doing anything productive over the summer.
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Comment on What did you do this week? in ~talk
Basil LinkI attended a funeral. Other than that, I have been really struggling to get back to being productive. Which sucks because I really should be focused for a few more weeks. It isn't that hard.I attended a funeral. Other than that, I have been really struggling to get back to being productive. Which sucks because I really should be focused for a few more weeks. It isn't that hard.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (June 2021) in ~talk
Basil LinkSome few days ago I got the news that a friend has died. It was suicide. I wasn't very close to them, I had no idea what they were going through. I also didn't see them in real life for more than...Some few days ago I got the news that a friend has died. It was suicide. I wasn't very close to them, I had no idea what they were going through. I also didn't see them in real life for more than half a year. I don't know if others in the friend group knew what they were going through.
I feel really weird since than. Mostly I feel ok though. At first I was a bit in denial, but when we got the date of the funeral I mostly accepted it. I kind of feel really bad that I didn't even cry. It is so strange that they are gone... I think when all of us meet again in real life it might hit even more how weird it is that they aren't there. Hopefully everyone else from the friend group is also doing ok, especially those who were closer to them. Most of us are really busy these days and COVID is still a thing, so we didn't meet together as a group for quite some time. When I talked a bit with some of my friends, we all seemed to avoid the topic since the day a friend told us. Maybe after the funeral we will discuss this, or maybe not. Also this is strange, I feel guilty every time I eat any nice food/dessert. I also kind of used it as an excuse to not get anything done for the past few days. I really should focus for some time longer. I just feel weird. I definitely didn't expect to be going to a funeral anytime soon. That will also be strange. I am kind of anxious thinking about having to go there, but it's not about me so I will hopefully be fine.
It has been a few months since I typed some words here. I got past another super busy period. The previous semester at university is long gone, so I am also done helping teaching. By the way, that was again quite enjoyable, I feel like I did an ok job, hopefully better than the first time I did that, but afterwards in the survey I got some not very good ratings. I won't be teaching again because I will have finished school by the next semester the course is taught. But it still did hurt very much. I was definitely trying to do a good job, but I also was quite busy so I couldn't give preparation infinite time. But the ratings also weren't too terrible so I don't know why am I even still thinking about it now. Anyway, this is my last semester studying at university, probably the last ~half year of my life at school. I need to finish my diploma thesis, still have quite a lot of work to do but I think I am doing ok on time with that.
After the last semester ended there was almost a quarter of a year where we were asked to do overtimes at my job. I am working part time, but I ended up basically working a bit over what full time people do, plus still had to do some school stuff, and of course work on my diploma thesis. But luckily that is over too now. I am a bit disappointed in the result of those overtimes but I won't go into it more.
So after those things, I finally had a few weeks which were a bit quieter. First, I am now again working only part time, and also there is just much less school stuff to do than last semester. In addition around Easter I had a few extra fully free days. So I had almost two full weeks where I had quite a lot of time. Sadly I spent a lot of that time not really doing anything, just procrastinating and wasting my time mostly. I don't really mind it too much, but I do wish I got more work done on my thesis. Would have been really nice. It's nice to do nothing for a bit though.
And there's one more thing. Around the start of December (I think?) I met a really interesting guy on a dating app. I didn't/don't really check them at all now, so it was super surprising to find someone cool there suddenly. We got talking, I invited him to go out right the next day and he agreed. I remember how nice it felt to chat with someone nice in a really long time and to also go out right away. We shared so many interests and talked about a lot, it was a really nice time.
I wanted to go out more later, but he was mostly really busy, and honestly I was too. Still we met up a few times again, even went to a concert once. We also never really talked about what we were. I am demi/gray?/asexual and he did mention that he was also somewhere on that spectrum, so I was fine with taking it extremely slow. But I also felt like he wasn't really "really" interested.
After another month or so I finally decided I wanted to know so I asked what was he looking for really on the dating site, and he explained that he just was looking for friends in a new town. And when he asked what I was looking for I did admit that I would have loved more. Still I also accepted it right away and acknowledged that it was my fault that I didn't ask earlier what he was looking for. I am kind of dumb that I didn't ask earlier, but I was very afraid of ruining what we had, and I did enjoy at least chatting and spending time with him. I asked if he was ok if we still talked, he said it is, and we still do chat once in a while. I think I can manage to not get my hopes up more.
I was of course also a bit disappointed. Now is the time to let some patheticness out. I feel like I will really be forever alone. It just sounds so pathetic -- can't think of a more accurate word -- to say it like that. But it's hard to imagine me being in a relationship. I was disappointed similarly so many times now. It's like that saying about meeting assholes every day -- if everyone you meet is an asshole, in reality you are probably the asshole. So if everyone I meet doesn't want to "date" me (god, again that sounds so pathetic and dumb to type out, I promise I am not a stereotypic "nice guy" or something), it's probably not the other people, but me. I just don't really know what am I doing wrong. But yeah I know, I should keep my hope up, somehow it might work out one day.
But mostly everyone I met like this ended in a nice way too, maybe I am at least ok at making friends, so I can't really complain too much. And having great friends is amazing too.
Well we'll see what the future holds, maybe after I am done with my degree I'll quit my job and move somewhere and finally fulfil my escapist dreams. I am kind of just venting, putting out a stream of words, so I am sorry for the dumb words, and thank you for reading if you did!