37
votes
Anyone else feel/used to feel that they will be alone both platonically and romantically, forever?
I have cptsd and comorbid-depression, am gay and trans, and i have bad social skills (i cant even maintain eye contact with someone). I feel completely hopeless for the future and i just wanted to know if anyone else here related, or if they've recovered. Thanks
Edit: Thank you all very much for the great responses. Maybe i'll make it :)
I've done romantic relationships, and I've worked out that they're not right for me (or for the poor people who end up with me!). So, I'm content to be single for the rest of my life.
After coming out of a relationship in my mid-30s, I told a friend that I'll be single for the rest of my life. He started to comfort me, and I had to correct his misunderstanding. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I was acknowledging a fact and a desire: I will be single for the rest of my life. (I happened to fall into another relationship about 7 years after that, but that turned out to be another demonstration that I was right to stay out of relationships.)
I will be romantically unattached (not "alone") for the rest of my life... and I am totally fine with that.
As for being platonically alone... no way! I need people in my life: friends, acquaintances, lovers, and such.
However, I was a very damaged person in my 20s, recovering from the trauma of my adolescence. During that period, I hated the world and everyone in it. Everyone was only out for their own self-interest. The old song lyric "you always hurt the one you love" became, for me, "you can only be hurt by the ones you love". Letting people in was just an opportunity for them to create future pain and hurt - so I didn't. I kept up a solid barrier between me and everyone else around me, to protect myself.
I got over it. That was the residual pain of my adolescence distorting my view on life, and, the further away from my adolescence I got, the more I grew, and the more I healed. I met people. I became happier in myself. I became open to opportunities for friendship and love. But I needed to go through a long drawn-out period of repairing the damage done to me as a teenager. (Not that it was a conscious process. I just lived life, and found myself changing in response to the people and events around me.) It took me nearly a decade to become something even close to healthy and well-adjusted.
I assume, browsing your history on Tildes, that you are young, and similarly trapped in (or recovering from) a traumatic adolescence. Remember: it gets better. It really does. When you can escape circumstances imposed on you, and start controlling your own life, and choosing the people around you, it really does get better. It did for me. It can for you, too.
I felt like that trough my twenties. I have depression and anxhiety issues. I gave up on dating when I was around 25-26 year old, I met my current partner by accident, we've been together over 5 years now.
I think "giving up" on dating and just seeing what comes along helped a lot. For example, browsing tinder, I somehow put myself under some weird stress just by swiping left and right. When I "gave up" I still kept swiping but I didnt care that much, I did go to dates but I didnt go to them with the attitude of "this is my new wife!" but with a "gonna go have a coffee with this person I met, lets see"-attitude.
Sorry if this is incoherent, I'm only on my first cup of coffee.
Once a date is no longer "someone I can date/hookup with" it's easier to treat them as a person, which will increase your chances anyway. It's a pervasive mindset.
I feel like this is the exact stage I'm in right now. "Just make new friends and I'll be fine". If anything further happens, even better. But I'm not actively looking for that change to happen.
I think that's the only way it'll happen for me too. My ex and I met because she randomly decided to message me because she saw a post I had made on Reddit, and looked at my profile and saw we were from the same country. Then we started talking and realized not only were we in the same city, we only lived 3km apart!
Until something like that happens again though?
Yeah, single.
Same here. Panic attacks and anxiety. I simply stopped having the energy to care, so I just said "to hell with it". Within a year I had met my now mother of my child. Seven years and still going strong. It was as if my complete disinterest in pursuing anyone made me seem confident and secure. I met my partner just as I came back from backpacking by train in Europe for 3 weeks. She had just started working at the same place as me, and I thought she looked cute, so asked her for coffee after one of our shifts. After that first date I started to care again. But it was as if my first uncaring nature didn't make me too desperate, or too eager for it to work, but rather made it so our interest in one another grew in unison. Simply because I was too fed up with rejection and just said "fuck it, I can't be bothered, I don't care", and quit trying to date anyone.
I certainly did, and had no idea why I couldn't keep a friend group - turns out I'm autistic (diagnosed at age 29) and socialising is just on hard mode.
I managed to find a romantic partner and assimilate into his main social group, but still hadn't felt like I have my own friends in about a decade until I began to befriend a woman at work recently. There wasn't any special technique or anything, we just clicked really well.
There are probably LGBTQ+ groups that you could join, online or offline, that would be supportive. I've learned to be a bit wary of such spaces as they can often fall prey to radical "us vs them" thinking, but they're usually very welcoming of their own tribe.
I think I'll be romantically alone, but not platonically. But that's mainly my fault really. I have a lot of issues that doesn't really let me get romantically close to anyone.
Platonic is fine, once it turns romantic, I panic and shut it down. Not willingly. Brain just goes insane till the threat is gone.
I do like my own company but I also feel somewhat isolated. I have to learn to be more vulnerable to my friends for that sense of isolation to go I guess.
I do feel like basic social skills can be learned and trained though. I too, used to struggle with eye contact. But I kept putting myself in social situations to learn. So there is a path for you in platonic relationships in that sense.
It can get better. Somewhat.
I always seem to pick stinkers so I'm done with it. Sure, it's not ideal, but I got a cat to keep me company and a bunch of hobbies. If you keep yourself being productive and having fun you don't even really notice it eventually - overall I am quite glad I stopped looking for my salvation in relationships and just made it for myself instead.
I definitely do.
I've never dated always wanting to hit this next milestone: Graduate high school, get a job, get a degree, get a job with that degree, move out. I'm 32 and still live at home, and hopefully the next goal is the one that does it. I don't feel comfortable dating in my current situation. My brother met his GF through extraordinary circumstances, and she was cool with it, but also the older I get the less likely it'll be right now.
It doesn't hurt unless I think about it too hard, but it's something I wish I could feasibly do something about, but I feel there's a lot in my life that's holding me back from doing it IRL. I don't seek social spaces online, either, because I've had issues with online communities, which I had also contributed to when I was younger.
I see you list those things about yourself and I just want to say -- none of those things mean you're unworthy of love. You deserve connection and support just as much as anyone else.
I don't know much about your current life circumstances to know if they're contributing to these feelings. But I recommend seeking out platonic connections in groups that are more likely to be accepting -- queer groups or hobbies that are popular among autistic folks. It doesn't have to be irl either, even online connection is better than resigning yourself to loneliness. You deserve friendship and happiness and I think it's a lot more attainable than it feels right now.
My last note is that my wife had similarly resigned herself to never having a romantic partner before we got together. Other than cptsd, your description above could describe her as well. So things can sometimes change a lot even when you don't see a path forward.
Not platonically - I have friends and generally speaking find that most people I interact with seem to like me. I get lots of smiles and waves from people I barely know, and the people I do know seem to be people who want to interact with me regularly. I'm very fortunate in having learned how to socialize and express my empathy over many years of practice though, so I'm not a natural at it - I'm generally rather introverted.
But romantically? I don't know if it's possible for me at my rate - I seem to be one of those people who dates a person, has a boring end to the relationship, then watches as my ex finds their spouse. It's been like that pretty much my whole life, and it honestly makes me really lonely sometimes.
That's okay though, it doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to not find somebody - it's just hard right now for me. I'm allowed to be sad about that, but I also know that I have a lot of great things to be thankful for even if that isn't one at the moment. Dating apps didn't work for me in any sense, so I'll hope I can find myself in a romcom meet-cute and enjoy the ride in the meantime.
Let me also say that it's okay to not have great social skills. I didn't for most of my life - until I got a job that forced me to practice it again and again and again. Being in that environment completely changed me, and if it's possible for you, it might not be a bad idea to just try to talk with people about literally anything. I have full faith in you.
Platonically, no. I am surprisingly good at making friends, given my place on the spectrum.
Romantically, yes. Relationships have eluded me and I've all but given up on the idea that I can get a long term girlfriend or even find a hookup. I have tried a lot of dating sites/apps and none have helped me. My views on women/dating have also been incredibly jaded in recent years.
I have considered going the escort/prostitute
route to lose my virginity, but I'd rather go to a place like the Netherlands or Germany where there's a regulated sex industry.
I have friends. I can make friends well enough. But I'm at the end of my 30s and I just don't know how to find a romantic partner at my age. I'm also really afraid of being rejected again.
EVERY relationship I've been in has ended because my partner couldn't deal with my mental health issues (ADHD, depression, anxiety, childhood trauma). This is 100% on me. I've been pushing it all down and ignoring it most of my life so I didn't communicate these issues and what kind of support I need. I realized this with my last boyfriend. I've been working on myself, bringing my issues to the forefront of my mind so I know how to help myself and realize my problems, but now I'm absolutely terrified to present all of this to a new person. I'm definitely an over sharrer so I don't mind talking about it, but being rejected because of it isn't something I want to do again. Hearing that your broken brain, that you can't fix, is the issue is super defeating.
I feel the same, but I try to still remain hopeful. I just feel like with every year the chances go down. Basically everyone I know already went through a relationship(s), while I never did. I was on so many dates, but nothing ever came out of them. I am not trying so hard any more, and now I go on about one or two dates a year. I am kind of picky now, as I (probably incorrectly) assume that it would be pointless to even try with some people. Some years ago I would go on a date with basically everyone.
I do think I am now more mature and ready for a relationship than for example five years ago. So just stay hopeful, maybe someone will show up when I least expect it, like everyone always says.
That’s tough. I definitely had those thoughts for a while. I spent a few years “finding myself” after a serious relationship that ended abruptly. I spent time asking myself some really hard questions and fixing things about myself I didn’t like. It wasn’t easy.
Eventually, I decided to get out there again. I remained patient and true to myself, and I was always clear about what I was looking for. I abandoned a lot of my childish BS and uncertainty around dating I used to engage in - I was in it to find a partner I know I could rely on and I made that clear.
But I’m a cisgender heterosexual man. I’m not sure I have much advice that would help. But maybe it does. All I can say is work on yourself first and then when you think that’s done, go all-in and stick to your goals. I hope it helps. If not, I hope you find the answer one day that works.
Yes. Right now for the romantic side of it, it might be due to bad breakup, feeling like I wont ever feel comfortable enough to be my true self with another person again, or even trust anyone in that way again because it could end in an instant. I do laugh at myself for feeling like that, yet also yearning for the closeness of a relationship again. I don't think I miss my ex, but I miss being with him, if that makes sense?
As for platonically, I've got a few good friends I talk to regularly, but even those I feel slipping away. Two friends don't seem to have enough time to talk, or even reply much these days. I feel with them, I put in more effort into trying to talk. The others I'm not as close to, I really appreciate them for being there, but those can be difficult too, time zone differences and all that. I have no irl friends I see on a regular basis, no idea how to make those. Doesn't help being autistic and socially anxious.
I completely understand the hopeless feelings. The future is terrifying, and even more so when you feel so alone. You've got this though. It may take time, but I'm sure you'll find some people. Eye contact isn't as important as people make it out to be. One of the things I've learned is (and it may seem obvious to some, but I didn't realise) it's not about maintaining eye contact! Even just a glance every few seconds is enough for most people, and even then it doesn't have to be direct eye contact. Just generally in the eye/face area and a lot of people don't tell the difference.