I want to give psilocybin a try
Insight once came to me after I was prepped for a surgical procedure. As my body's weight began to evaporate, a pain I had never recognized, but which must have always been sounding in the background noise of my being, vanished. The superadhesive worry--which sometimes frightened others as much as myself, that in order to socialize, I had learned to sometimes twist into a temporary shape resembling charm--came unstuck and peeled away. Then followed a great thought, a mandate for how I should spend the remainder of my life. Also, I needed to poop. But more than that, I needed to get out of this semi-public hospital bed and to a private space immediately, so I could allow this cosmic insight a moment to fully bloom. Time was against me. Anesthetized, I knew I was slipping toward, maybe even over, the falls past which I would forget everything of this experience until a groggy post-procedure awakening brought dull daylight and its senseless aches back to me. I had to somehow save the thought. I searched, but the bathroom gave up no markers, no specimen cup labels to write on. I wondered about tearing toilet paper into little letters, hiding them above the cabinet. But would I remember to return to read the message? With an increasingly calm desperation, I dug my nails into the flesh of my hand and repeated again and again the life-saving insight delivered during communion with the world that lay beyond pain. Please remember, please remember this thought.
When I regained consciousness, it was waiting for me like a friend who had lost patience, and now seemed much less attractive. What I had somehow stolen from the gods, secreted in my closed palm through a swim across the river Lethe, was this message: “Do Drugs.”
I had realized that analysis, working on the problem of myself both mentally and verbally, had won me no appreciable gains. Insight, I had. But relief, happiness, an improved outlook? Nothing I had done had really helped me feel better. Anesthesia instantly had. These aren’t the words of an addict coming on-line. I was a reluctant user of any substance. However, in the years following I forced myself to again undertake drug trials with my psychiatrists. Methodically, I worked through every class, waltzed backward through the eras of drugs, danced off-label with each oddball wallflower, ingested every twisted molecule to ever win over the FDA with a promise of psychiatric benefit and maybe some that merely had intrigued one of my more historically-curious doctors. When Eddie Haskell, MD wanted to resurrect a drug of the bad old days just to see what it’d do to a person, I was the patient with his hand out.
I overslept and didn’t sleep. I gained and lost a third of my body weight. My head felt like a styrofoam block, then like the slate of a blackboard being scraped with tableware. I was more or less charged, sweaty, sensitive to light, and shaky. Some drugs make you feel like Benjamin Braddock in his birthday diving suit. Others make you feel like an amnesiac idiot in Benjamin Braddock’s birthday diving suit. A common theme emerges. These substances could help me feel slower, distant from the world, claustrophobic, clammy, sensorily distorted. Sometimes, they dulled my anxiety, or dried my hair-trigger tear ducts, but they accomplished this through impairment, and very clumsily. I have never been drunk, but I think it’s like a drunk traffic cop: success in psych meds comes about by the stopping of certain avenues, slowing up of traffic, blocking lawful turns. And it’s sometimes noted in the overall impact that fewer crashes have occurred. To me this is not success. Impairment so far hasn't been healing for me. I want my turn at quoting the line, "I feel like myself again."
And so, my heart sinks at every day's new headline about psychedelics. If you follow health news at all, you know they are a hot topic, showing a ridiculous amount of promise. Despite fitting the diagnostic profile, my former home was far from anywhere with signups for studies. I reached out to several "clinics" offering psychedelic-assisted therapy. They struck me as resembling many legal weed shops--loads of young bros polishing their presentation and sanitizing an extortionate drug deal in hopes of financing a Tesla. With fees starting at 8x the plane ticket to administer and contextualize a drug that costs less than $20 a dose, I wouldn't credit their soft patter as containing much idealism.
And here I am--for other reasons besides. Yes, a part of me thought living here would put legal psychedelics within my reach, but I'm not seeing any opportunities. Now I'm kicking myself for never having tried to cultivate mushroom spores, never having ventured to ask acquaintances for a hand. I'm marooned here and psilocybin is about blow up in the States.
I can relate. Or rather, I can relate living with a loved one who is going through the same psychiatric journey as you, for which psilocybin was a lightbulb moment and a great help. I'm not sure where you are geographically, but just wanted to mention that with the passage of Measure 109 last year, Psilocybin is now legal in Oregon. We were pretty active in soliciting support for it and are ecstatic that it passed.
But I just want to caution that psilocybin is not without its risk. Cultivating and growing some is easy enough, but after a pretty promising first trials and great lasting experiences, my wife had gone through a pretty traumatic bad trip that has turned her off to it permanently. She wouldn't even tell me what it was, but it really scared her. So I would advise to proceed with caution.
I'm a little uneasy talking about it in a public forum due to it still being a controlled substance federally, but if you would like to talk privately I can ask my wife if she's willing to talk about it.
I don’t know if this is a perfect solution, but every time I’ve had shrooms I’ve started at a lower dose and doubled it later if I’m feeling into it. Sometimes I’m not and I’m glad that I’ve played it safe. It’s hard to know how things will go until you’re in that state of mind.
Psychedelics and dissociatives are the only two drugs in which I will spend extra care explaining what to do and not to do when using them, because unlike most other drugs where there's a fairly linear dose/response curve, drugs which strongly affect the mind have something more akin to gates which you cross at different dosages and the point at which you reach each plateau (as you may see it referred to on erowid or in other social contexts) varies from person to person.
That is to say - one beer gives you an idea of what two beers feels like, and two beers gives you an idea of three or four beers. At some point you'll probably start puking, but the general experience is the same but more. With psychedelics, however, one dose does not adequately prepare you for two doses and the difference between two and three or four might be akin to the differences between night and day. Similarly, low doses of dissociatives might feel akin to alcohol, but once you reach a point of dissociation the experience is vastly different; crossing a threshold and opening a door to an entirely different experience.
Given that many of these drugs can operate at incredibly small doses (micrograms to milligrams) and that most people don't have scientifically accurate scales or the doses can arrive in a medium of unknown 'true' concentration, a general piece of advice that applies to all psychedelics and dissociatives is one of extreme caution. Have you had this specific drug from this specific seller before? If not, your first dose should always be incredibly cautious - start with 1/4 or 1/3rd of a 'standard' dose. If it's marketed as normal strength, this is straightforward, however, if they try and sell you on it being a 'double' or 'triple' dose, adjust appropriately and reduce to 1/8 or 1/12 at first. Assessing initial tolerance should be done on a day you are not intending to have an experience - some psychedelics and dissociatives can take hours to take affect and re-dosing because you think you don't feel it yet can end poorly if you're not already familiar with the exact timing of this drug (keep in mind the person selling it to you could be wrong about what drug it actually is, there are many research chemicals in the field which are often marketed as a drug they are analogous to, but may have longer or shorter half-life and time to action).
If the goal is purely therapeutic, seeking a professional who can help control the quality and quantity of the drug as well as administer therapy, guidance, and support at the appropriate times is an avenue worth considering. If you are okay with some self-reflection or are entering the experience for the pleasure of it, an experienced individual who knows how to guide others through a trip may be helpful but be sure this is a person you trust as you may find yourself in a situation in which you are no longer yourself and at the mercy of your caretaker. If such an individual is not available, be even more judicious with your dosage and ramp up slowly if you're experienced at a particular dose but not a higher one (never attempt to outdo your last dose by more than one standard dose and in general avoid jumps larger than a half dose). Consider learning about tools by which to alleviate the potential of a bad trip - distractions in the form of colored and slow/soft color changing lights, music that is soothing or to your taste, videos and movies which are relaxing, comforting, or are genres you enjoy which avoid too much violence, aggression, fear, or other negative emotions (sadness, melancholy, etc. may be fine if you are seeking an emotional release), simple foods which you enjoy such as fruits or prepared snacks can cheer you up and give you something to focus on, smells which you find comforting such as perfumes or something easily re-creatable which reminds you of home or safety, and friends or partners you trust who are taking a journey with you can all be ways to distract yourself or pull yourself out of spiraling thoughts or emotions.
I'd like to add that a hot shower is a powerful tool for bringing a trip back on track.
gosh yes, hot showers are amazing on psychedelics or sober 😍
Duly cautioned. I'm sorry she's had a similar experience to mine, then had a promising start take a bad turn.
I'm happy for Oregonians to have the chance to benefit.
I hope you get your chance. If you wait a little, the therapeutic legalization in some parts of the US will very likely make bro free, licensed professional, psilocybin tourism an option at more reasonable prices.
For example... a friend of mine, a great therapist with deep experience working with trauma, is planning to get into guided psilocybin therapy early next year. The research so far, as you no doubt know, is beyond compelling.
I really enjoyed reading your post, great writing!
I'm honored, thank you.
Cheers to your friend for recognizing the potential.
Your anaesthesia experience was similar to mine, though mine progressed much more quickly. I had to go fully under for a procedure recently, and as they started me on whatever it was that was going to put me out, I experienced this warm, resonant, powerful sense of peace and comfort — like my soul was being hugged as I drifted off into the best and most relaxing nap anyone, anywhere had ever taken. There was a moment of concern — more mild than it should have been — where my brain thought about the prospect of not waking back up, but it was fleeting and was gone before it ever even really registered. Instead, my brain took stock of the room — the equipment, the monitors, the people — and I remember thinking “all of them are here to make sure I’ll be okay” and it just felt so unbelievably kind and so powerfully reassuring in that moment. I wasn’t worried at all. I was in fact delighted to fall asleep — more delighted than I can remember being about, well, anything.
When I woke up, a nurse asked me if I’d like anything to drink. I asked for water, and she brought me not just water, but crackers! I was still riding the euphoric, appreciative high, so this felt like the greatest gift ever given by the most caring human being in the world. I was touched that she brought me my own cup of water, much less the crackers, which I didn’t even ask for! What a treat! I think I actually started crying. Her support was so meaningful and profound to me.
I later talked with a co-worker who had the same procedure done, and she asked me “did they give you the good stuff?” She, it turns out, had almost the exact same experience as me, and we swapped stories, laughing together about how impactful those moments were even though, absent the mind-altering drugs we were on, we could see them for what they were. From an outside perspective it was absurd: I was approaching emotional transcendence because of… saltines? But from a lived perspective it felt so very real.
Even now, in talking down about it, it feels like I’m desecrating something sacred — that I’m not honoring something that deserves reverence — but admitting that also feels maudlin and overblown. I don’t know how to feel about it, because there are two extremes and neither of them feel like the correct way to process that experience.
Why can't it be both, but also neither?
If a child is exceptionally happy over a wonderful experience, is it any less true just because they don't have more experiences to weigh it against? Don't days where lots of bad things happen in them still make you feel terrible even if each item doesn't feel as bad as their sum? Don't many of us have strong feelings towards cherished items from our past?
I think it's entirely possible to treat this experience as you did in the narrative of both emotions and facts. It's also reasonable to understand those emotions were influenced by drugs, without minimizing the effect it had on you. Does it really matter that it feels logically absurd to have felt such serene happiness over something so simple?
I personally think it's beautiful and I think everyone should be able to experience something like this in their life. Maybe it can serve as a reminder to be thankful for the little things - the joys you experience even when it logically doesn't make sense. Share them with the world; I'm sure the nurse genuinely enjoyed your reaction and it made her day a little bit brighter. 😄
I love this post and your perspective (as usual)!
The dissonance is bothersome partly for what you identified (me not wanting to accept two separate explanations at once) but also because it makes me question how to adequately "calibrate" my emotional self. Do I include in my feelings data set despite it being such an outlier? Or do I discard it, aware of the idea that I'm throwing a perfectly valid data point away? Neither feels right, and choosing either one over the other has follow-up implications that I don't like either.
I'll also add that I'm definitely overthinking this and that, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. It was mostly just a really nice nap. :)
Oh man you really did get the good stuff! I’ve gone under anaesthesia four times and never experienced anything anywhere as fun as you’re describing. It was always just … rest, relax, fade away in seconds. Except one time where the doc had to give me a shot of adrenaline right before, I’ll share the story here some time it’s a funny albeit gross one.
Yikes! That does sound like quite a story.
In the interest of balance and TMI, I should also add that I've had about the world's worst anaesthetic experiences too.
I'm resistant to certain local anaesthetics, and when I was a kid, none of the doctors/dentists believed me when I said I could still feel what they were doing. I've had teeth drilled and my feet operated on with dulled but definitely present pain. It kinda fucked me up for a bit. I avoided going to the dentist for ~15 years, and did some major damage to my teeth in that time via neglect.
I also had a surgery as a child where I went all the way under, and after I woke up I experienced what's called "post operative nausea and vomiting" (PONV) where I threw up uncontrollably until there was nothing left and then proceeded to dry heave for hours. It was misery.
So, in some ways, getting the good stuff is a kind of karmic balance for what I've had to go through in other procedures.
PM me if you want links/advice about growing your own. It's easier than you might think (this is coming from someone living in the US though, so take it with a grain of salt).
I hope it gets legalized soon. It's very stupid that it's as illegal as it is. The war on drugs is moronic.
Find some party people, and just do it.
I'm sorry, but IMO that is terrible advice. As a long time mushroom user who goes tripping on them at least once a year, I really wouldn't recommend going about it like that... especially for someone who has never done them before. Doing shrooms with people you don't know well, especially in a party setting, greatly increases the risk of having a bad trip. And bad trips can range from mildly uncomfortable, to incredibly traumatic and life altering.
Doing it in an intimate, relaxed setting, either alone, with a group of people you know and trust, or ideally with a qualified psychotherapist, can be a very powerful positive experience... but even that is not a guarantee.
So here's my advice, from an old comment:
(whole thread is worth reading for all the other good advice in it too)
Tacking on to this as an extremely experienced psychedelic user (200+ trips), I can tell you that anecdotally nearly every person I've interacted with who's had a bad experience fell into one of the following categories (in descending order of approximate regularity):
With that being said experiencing a bad trip isn't necessarily problematic - I've had probably something on the order of a half dozen to a dozen trips which had a 'bad' component of various intensities in my life, the majority of which exist within the first 50 doses I've consumed (two more recent exceptions involved two trips in the last 3-4 years turning bad because someone I was tripping with had a bad trip and did something violent or hurtful) and I consider them incredibly important learning experiences. They taught me how important it was to respect these drugs, and also a lot about how my brain can get caught in thought spirals or otherwise head down a negative road and how to be conscious of this and coping mechanisms to distract and avoid these (many of these mechanisms had to be test-ran, so to speak, at lower doses and utilizing CBT to recognize the spiraling behavior).
I would also add "Underlying, unaddressed, psychological issues" to that list of categories too, as mushrooms can often bring past traumatic experiences and repressed emotions back up to the surface. That's why under the right circumstances they're such an effective therapeutic tool, but the downside is that without the proper mindset, preparation, environment, and guidance they can also potentially lead to a person having a really horrible experience.
This is a fair point and perhaps one I glossed over. I consider this an important part of assessing tolerance. I don't think someone with underlying unaddressed psychological issues is likely to have a break on 1/4 dose, although it's not outside the realm of possibility (keep in mind some people have psychotic breaks when entirely sober, it all depends on the immediate circumstances of their life and environment). However, someone who is not of reasonably sound mind will need to be even more judicious with how slowly they increase doses and be more tuned into how they respond to their own thoughts and the environment more than someone without said issues. In general I tell people whom I know have unaddressed issues that they should not be using psychedelics at all until they've resolved these issues or at least been to therapy for a reasonable amount of time. Dissociative use is more a case by case basis, as small amounts of Ketamine might help someone resolve depression or deal with certain mental states whereas a different dissociative such as PCP would be a bad idea for the same individual. It depends on both the dissociative and the person in question, and what psychological or mental issues they have or are predisposed to.
Luckily etiolation read the subtext of the one line :)
Subtext or not, telling people "just do it" with no other warnings or advice attached is still irresponsible, IMO.
Also luckily you are here to counter my gross irresponsibility :)
I totally would... take the shrooms back to a more comfortable setting and prepare a low dose. It's a shame that my conditions are a barrier in this regard (orbiting party people will be a significant challenge), but I take your encouragement to do it on my own (with a sitter), outside the clinical structure, if I can.
Good luck.