What might a 'quiet' Pride celebration look like?
Note: I've had these thoughts for a while, but I didn't think to post until I read @guttersnipe's semi-unrelated comment in another thread.
I'm queer, but I'm also a quiet introvert. I don't really drink much, and as of lately, loud events exceed my capacity for sensory input. I just... don't really have it in me to party?
Yet, everywhere I seem to look, 'queer culture' seems to be heavily equated with partying. My partner's gay best friend goes downtown and parties til the break of dawn for Pride. Pitchfork runs features like "Fear Will Not Stop Queer Nightlife". To celebrate seems to mean to be loud and out and proud, to be bright and neon, to be camp and flamboyant, to let loose. Late nights, clubs, DJs, raves... it's all just... too much for me? In fact, I sort of feel a disconnect with western queer culture as a whole? It just feels so... extroverted...
I don't want to just do nothing, though, like I've done year after year. I feel left out, like I'm missing out on some sort of collective experience.
So, what are some alternative ways to celebrate? Do you celebrate Pride in ways that deviate from the norm?
Enjoy queer domesticity
Stay in and be your queerest self. Put on your favorite outfit, eat some food you like, dance in your kitchen to some ultra-queer songs. Snuggle with a pet or partner or blåhaj.
Explore queer history
Watch a landmark queer movie. Read Wikipedia pages about queer heroes of yesterday. Listen to a podcast or watch a documentary about queer life in years past.
Connect with the queer present
Read queer memes. Send affirming messages to friends. Read queer news from around the world. Connect with others from the comfort and quiet of home on social media or group chats or Tildes.
Support queer creatives
Find a self-published book or game or webcomic or album from a queer artist. Buy their stuff or donate to them. Dive into their work, revel in its queerness for yourself, and share it with others you’re close to who’d also appreciate it.
Make your own queer stuff
Crochet a rainbow scarf. Write a lesbian fanfic. Plant a gay little garden that loves rainbows and sunshine.
Donate to queer causes
Find a local queer organization, or a larger one like The Trevor Project or Transgender Law Center. Make a donation in honor of Pride.
Reflect on queer progress
Spend some time thanking those who came before us and gave us the opportunities we have today. Spend some time thinking about those who will come after us and what we can do to hopefully pave the way for them. Spend some time thinking about where we are right now and how beautiful it is to be a part of a community whose vibrancy comes not from wearing loud colors and having loud parties but from people being their authentic selves.
Be your authentic self
That is what Pride is. It’s not the parties or parades that make up Pride. It’s that those are spaces that give us the opportunity to be ourselves without shame. Those are only the most visible ones though. Anyone (situation permitting, of course) can be themselves from the comfort of their favorite place; alone or with their favorite people; openly or maybe just even in their own thoughts for now.
A quiet Pride can be almost anything because there are so. many. ways. for us to be ourselves.
I just wanted to add that the loud flamboyant qualities of Pride is kind of the point - we would not have been able to get all the rights we have today by being quiet and blending in. So while joining in with the loud parties and parades is certainly not mandatory by any stretch I would strongly encourage OP to be visibly out of the closet in whatever way makes the most sense for them. Even if it's just something simple like sticking a rainbow sticker on something close to them.
Remember that being in the closet can be very scary; being the one out and proud queer person that someone can see can make a huge difference in their life.
Absolutely! I have the ability to enjoy the introverted queer domestic life that I do because of the people who couldn't or wouldn't be silent or go unseen. That actually includes my younger self too! I was a loud and outspoken queer advocate for a while, but I've settled better into my "quieter" role as I've gotten older and more in tune with myself and my preferences.
I do think it's important to surface that quietness though. I remember when I first attempted to start dating (which was before the app-driven landscape of modern times) and I would ask my friends, while going out on a Friday night, "how am I supposed to meet someone else who's idea of a good time is sitting at home on a Friday night?" The place you went to meet guys were gay bars or clubs, and there weren't a lot of Friday-night-readers in those places -- at least not visibly. There was a disconnect between the types of people I had access to and the types of people I would want to be with. Nothing against a party animal or anything, and I love dancing more than probably most people, but that scene wasn't me and it was filled with people who I couldn't see fitting with me.
There was a narrowness to my understanding of gay culture that led me to question whether there were any guys like that in the first place. Maybe all gay guys were just into clubbing and I was a weird unicorn? I, of course, wasn't, but I couldn't see that at the time, in part because there was a narrowness of spaces we could safely inhabit and representations that got surfaced. Where were my quiet gays? Well, they were also all at home on Friday nights, doing things that didn't raise their profile, which made it easy for me to think they didn't actually exist.
I say this not to take away from loud and proud people in the slightest. We have them to thank for where we are, and they are the frontline of our community. What I do want more people to see, though, is that being on the frontline isn't the only way to be queer and that there's a broad diversity even within us. That's part of why your recommendation of visibility is so valuable. It's a quiet surfacing that allows us quiet people to see other quiet people and know we're not alone.
Thank you thank you thank you. There are so many quotables here that I can highlight that make me think, "Yes! This is the whole reason I made this thread!"
The visibility of quiet queer folk is tiny, which makes it even harder for other quiet queer folk to feel a sense of belonging, especially if they're at the start of their journeys. Introversion in an extroverted society is already a bit of a curse to socializing to begin with, but it becomes especially so when you add other marginalized identities to the mix. I've felt the same sort of doubt and questioning that you have...
I like the conclusion that the only way to really change this dynamic is to take a stand ourselves. Be the change you want to see in the world, etc. Hopefully I can help carve out spaces for other quiet queers, too. :>
Yeah. The thing about quiet spaces is that they exist all over but they're impossible to find.
Last year, I was interviewing for jobs, and said this about one company that was very loudly supportive of LGBT people:
I turned this company down, for other reasons unrelated to this thread. The job I took instead has several quiet LGBT people, about which I had no idea until months later. I was satisfied that they hired me, an obvious trans woman.
I still think about that sometimes. My ideal future is one where nobody gives a fuck if you're queer. So I've selected my social spaces for those where that's already true today (which is absolutely a privilege not everyone has!), and as a result, I have little reason to be loud about it. I'm glad there are louder people still working on the other spaces in society where that's not the case yet, but I'm not in those spaces, and I'm not going to join them just to tell them they're wrong.
(reposted in the right subthread, I had a bunch of thoughts in response to this tangent and then kind of dumped them in the root thread for some reason)
Thanks for this nudge! I used to have a little trans flag enamel pin, but it fell of my bag or lapel or whatever it was I had at the time, and I haven't gotten another since. I should look into picking up a replacement. :)
I'm an introvert and very rarely partake in the nightlife/party scene. It can be nice on occasion but is not my default state. For pride this year I did a little bit of that, but mostly it was getting together with my other queer friends and allies and spending time together. Small parties (~10 people) on rooftops, good food, maybe some silly rainbow decorations. Nothing extravagant.
For me it's just about spending time with people I love who feel comfortable being themselves around me. For me that's pride.
I'm cis hetero, but a bit introvert. As I see it, breaking out of hetero-normativity is no different than breaking out of "extrovert-normativity". No, it's not the same by any stretch, but both requires you to see beyond the norm preached by the majority. During the pandemic, I noticed how much of a deal extroverts made of suddenly having their privileges taken away and having to live by introvert norms. And I realized just how much I constantly compromised to fit into extrovert expectations. I'm thankful for queer extroverts for making noise, being loud and annoying and pushing the borders, creating a more tolerant society, I honestly feel this is pretty damn cool. Kinda punk and counter-culture, you know. But as much as I'm on board with it, I much rather stay inside and read boring books like "Quiet : The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking".
I actually just colored my hair for the month! I'm not a particularly outwardly social bug in real life, but I wanted others to be aware that they are not alone, and that I take pride in my own identity, so this was the easiest way for me to celebrate.
And hey... I got no less than 3 compliments on my walk around about 4 blocks on that same day I got it done, so I know it was recognized too! :)
Celebration of something like this is something personal to you in the end, though. Find what makes you happy; don't pin it on what others expect you to do!
I live in a very queer part of a very queer-friendly city. I've noticed this too. More than what you've described, queer culture here is also heavily correlated with drug use and sleeping around in addition to alcohol use and partying.
At least in Seattle, the dance community is very queer friendly while at the same time quite sober, because everyone is always at the socials to dance and dance well, and you can't dance well if you're intoxicated. 😅
Queer Swing Seattle and Swing It Seattle are a great place to start; they have Wednesday dances every week with live bands. There is also the Century Ballroom but the vibe can be a bit more "Mean Girls" with the crowd there.
Not giving advice, but just wondering if a straight guy extrovert can get into these exclusive queer raves? ;)