What impact, if any, did being raised as a woman have on you?
Through the years I have struggled with perfectionism, low self worth, and an overwhelming need to make everyone else happy at my own expense. Recently I've begun wondering if this is related more to my own personal upbringing (my mom and sister share a lot of these traits) or if it's a wider experience of being a woman in modern society.
Growing up in a world where women had successfully entered the job market, there was still an unspoken urging that I had to be better than my male peers to earn my place in the world. There still felt like there were expectations that women would follow all the rules, keep the peace, and maintain the home/workspace. Is this an off base interpretation of societal pressures, or do any of you find yourselves still struggling with some of these messages?
ETA: Also, what are some positive ways being raised as a woman has impacted you?
I think one of the things that shocked me was I have usually been a dont care about age person and gladly share my real age, etc. I always hated the...my 20th 18th birthday jokes. When I hit my 30th birthday though I did feel like in some way I lost value to some people... it's hard to describe but younger me got more attention both wanted and unwanted. Now I feel it's easier to disappear.
In someway it's nice but in other ways I feel sad about it.
Somethings that bother me way more than they should that i think are because of other peoples expectations of my gender-
*being told to smile
*video game chats assuming I'm a guy
*being asked to be the note taker/secretary for a meeting when I'm not the host or secretary role.
*being talked over, I just shut down at this point.
Now this chat did emphasize they don't want just the negative sort of commentary in a past post so let me add in some things I've been positively impacted.
Seeing women's professional sports grow. Women's world cup will start soon and the support they get around here in my community is pretty wonderful to see. Growing up in MN having a winning WNBA team was great to see. I have definitely felt more able to succeed seeing these things even after the unkind remarks usually come in!
I also saw that, and sorry to the community if this was more on the negative side, but I thought it was an interesting topic to discuss, share, and reflect on our various upbringings. You're right, it doesn't have to be all negative. One big positive: I have never had someone's initial reaction to me be one of fear or distrust. Strangers generally react warmly to strange women and may find us more approachable than our male counterparts.
No, don't worry I am just trying extra mindful as a personal practice as well as learn this new place. I do think we all need a place to vent but I do like to try to challenge myself when I am venting, and figured that would be a good way to do it!
I agree strangers are more open to me approaching as well as children, who will just hug me sometimes with no second thought. People also aren't afraid to randomly compliment me, I feel like that's something I've read men wish for and it's not something I've felt missing.
Now that I'm older i feel safer giving compliments to men as they won't necessarily find it flirty whereas when I was younger it was a bit trickier.
What an excellent observation. I've been so busy scanning for danger that I've neglected the fact that I am not perceived as dangerous.
It's a different kind of privilege: I can openly compliment other people and even give them random small gifts and not be perceived as being inappropriate or creepy or aggressive.
I can more easily go I to caring professions without parents being suspicious without cause. There are always suspicion about men who want to become OBGYNs, for example, when it should be obvious that that's one of the only "happy and celebratory" medicine practices.
The mindfulness is good, and it's something I need to practice more as well, I'm genuinely glad you brought it up! Still breaking out of the doomscroll/negativity mindset of other sites.
I've been where the other comments have been too, and also the thing that's really knocked me for six lately is realising exactly how much of what I've read in books only applies to men, it was written by men for men and framed as universal. I know I'm a bit late to the party on this issue but the reality of it is really beginning to hit me now. There's so much I believed about myself that isn't true, it isn't me, and no wonder it baffled me and was kind of hard to relate to when I read it, and how much despair it wrought in me and how different and isolated it made me feel. I now know how much I have to be on guard reading anything written by men who have not yet had the critical realisation of the world outside themselves.
However, despite now trying to read anything before the early 1900s compounding into a complex trauma, I think that this means that I've discovered something vital about myself, and I'm not letting go of it.
This reminds me of when I read career advice on "always negotiate the offer - what have you got to lose"
Turns out of you're a woman, they might hate you and even rescind the offer.
https://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/lean-out-the-dangers-for-women-who-negotiate
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I had my own blind spots growing up so I understand how easy it is to assume something that always happens for you is also going to happen for everyone. I grew up being taught if I'm in trouble the police will always come help, ha-ha.
Thank you for sharing this! I recently convinced my partner to negotiate hard for a raise. Thankfully they got it but it’s disappointing to learn how deep the misogyny runs.
Having been the hiring manager on my team for a while, the thought of rejecting a candidate that we extended an offer to because they had the “gall” to negotiate is unfathomable to me!
It's not just the kind of books you're talking about, most scientific studies and clinical trials have historically been done on white men. Depending on where you live, this is still happening. Some countries now mandate that women be included in studies which effect them. One person explains that cinical trials are more complicated because of the concern the medication may effect fertility, though I'm a little unclear on why we're supposed to be more concerned about women's fertility than men's.
Now we have women's heart attack symptoms described as "atypical". At least they now know there's a difference.
While I don't think these things are exclusive to those of us raised as women, I do think they are things that are very tied to the label "woman" -- particularly that third one. Making others happy at your own expense is part of the traditional gender role for women, so it's no surprise you're socialized that way from a young age if you're put in the "woman" category.
I definitely agree to an extent with the societal pressures you describe relative to the workplace. I think we've gone from a place where people were comfortable being very overt about their sexist opinions to a place where it's mostly unconscious expectations of women influencing how they're seen and treated. That's not to say you don't get overt sexism, but it's a lot harder to call out the more subtle stuff. It's also hard to avoid the tendency to self-deprecate and avoid confrontation when you've been socialized into doing that your whole life.
I'm nonbinary so I've spent a lot of time mulling over how I feel being perceived as a woman and how I want to interact with gender. I don't have any good answers, but I've been thinking about it a lot lol
I imagine it must be frustrating to automatically be put into a box based on appearance/others' perception that you may not fully identify with. Even as someone who identifies as feminine, I don't fully embody a super feminized stereotype and sometimes feel "othered" as a woman for some of my more masculine traits and hobbies.
I also feel that overwhelming urge to make others happy and keep the peace, even at my own detriment. I'm also so scared of being sexually assaulted (this is from second hand trauma via internet/news/the cops tv show) that I've stayed home since I was around 18 (I'm 29 now) and have only gone outside when absolutely necessary.
But some positives are that I'm able to talk about my feelings openly and not be scared of being mocked for feeling sad or scared. I'm also not expected to do more than hold the door open and make sure the cats don't get out while the guys move furniture in/out of the house.
I have trouble making sense of my upbringing and resulting experience. My mom was always very submissive to my dad and very much the cook and somewhat more involved in child rearing. But somehow I feel like neither of my parents gave me the impression that my gender had any importance relative to my interests, roles, or the family expectations. I have so much self esteem, I’m dangerous. I am overpaid in my profession because I negotiate fiercely. I must experience misogyny in the world, but…I don’t know, it just doesn’t impact me. When I was young, I definitely felt the threatening aspect of male attention. I understood it was something to protect against, but it never felt like it was about me, it just felt like, eww some men are creepy and dangerous. Sooo. I don’t really know what conclusions to draw.
I feel like most of the gendered pressures I feel were not taught to me by my parents but by my extended family, peers, and society at large. The expectation that the woman take on the mental load of the household is the exception though since this is the dynamic my parents had, partly because of my mom’s anxiety manifesting as a need for control and my dad’s ADHD. I’ve inherited both which is super fun.
But it’s hard not to internalize that acting a certain way if you’re a certain gender may get you more positive results with strangers and acquaintances, even if you weren’t explicitly taught that by your parents.
I'm consistently frustrated by an internal struggle to not care that I'm not "beautiful". There's always this little art critic nitpicking all sorts of aspects of my appearance.
On an intellectual level I know my worth as a human is not based on the aesthetics of my body. I'm grateful for my health and the things I'm capable of. I know I'm also at least nice-looking enough to have had a large enough pool of potential partners to find someone I wanted to marry and who saw my value. So why do I get so disappointed by seeing myself in a mirror or pictures? It should be an insignificant part of my life but I am constantly reminded of just how much of a woman's value has been placed on her looks. So often the first thing said about a woman is whether or not she's pretty, not that she commands a room or she seems kind or that she is clever.
Even though I don't use social media, it's impact is still felt in a rise in beauty and fitness standards and a pressure to always be aesthetically pleasing. I like nice clothes and dressing up as a form of self expression, but I'm constantly compared to a measure I didn't choose. I know plenty of men are insecure about their appearances but I think the external pressure is just so much more intense for women.