Yes, I live it. I'm in a relationship with two women who make me happy to be alive. I love them both with all my heart, and it makes me happy just to be around either or both of them. I should...
Exemplary
Yes, I live it. I'm in a relationship with two women who make me happy to be alive. I love them both with all my heart, and it makes me happy just to be around either or both of them. I should mention that I'm also a woman.
Non-monogamy is not just about sex, and jealousy is not a problem when you're doing it right with people who are doing it because it's right for them, and not simply because they feel they "have" to in order to keep their partner. You don't need to have sex at ALL to have a loving, fulfilling relationship; you don't need to have sex equally with all your partners; you don't need to feel unhappy or feel like you're missing out. It depends on your dynamic. I love my girlfriends, and being with either of them or both together makes me happy beyond words. When I am spending exclusive time with one, the other is not jealous or upset or left out, because they know that it makes me happy, and because they are also free to spend time with one of their other partners, and because they know they will also get exclusive time with me, and also simply because we don't need to spend every minute of every day together.
I had more issues with jealousy when I was nominally "monogamous" than I do now, when I know full well that both my girlfriends pursue active and fulfilling relationships with others. When I was trying to be monogamous, I would feel jealous and hurt that my girlfriend was getting cuddly and close with others, even if it was wholly platonic, because I need lots of contact and affection and one person simply couldn't provide that for me. I needed more attention and physical affection than she could really provide, but when she held other people while I was still needy it made me upset and hurt that she wasn't "thinking about me". Of course she was. She loved me, but she didn't want to give me all the attention I needed. Now, if I need attention, I'm sure one of them will be free. If neither of my girlfriends are free, perhaps a playmate will be free for some platonic time together and/or low-strings sexual stuff. And if they're not free, well then it's unusual enough that I'm perfectly able to be an adult and simply have a quiet night in, maybe with friends or maybe on my own, but it's unusual enough that I don't have constant anxiety and jealousy. When my girlfriends are spending time with each other or their own partners alone, I am filled with "compersion" - the feeling of contentment or happiness at knowing that others are having a good time and feeling good together. It's the opposite of jealousy. Knowing my girlfriends are having a wonderful, fulfilling time with their own partners makes me feel fulfilled.
So... yes. Polyamory and non-monogamy more generally can absolutely be ethical, and can even FIX jealousy issues in people who used to have them.
Well this paragraph (rephrased a bit) matches my feelings on the topic. So it's definitely not for me and, by extension and necessity, my partner. That said, if both sides of a relationship are...
Well this paragraph (rephrased a bit) matches my feelings on the topic.
And yet consensual non-monogamy is still regarded by many (including me) as preposterously difficult. Sex isn’t just a hobby, like theatre going, say, or skydiving. It involves getting naked with another person and exchanging bodily fluids. How do you manage the jealousy when your partner is out bonking someone else? How do you stop yourself from catching feels for a sexual partner, if they’re attractive and nice to you and good in bed? How do you create intimacy and commitment without sexual exclusivity?
So it's definitely not for me and, by extension and necessity, my partner. That said, if both sides of a relationship are truly, honestly and fully fine with the idea... well, more power to them.
This seems to be assuming only one extremely narrow (and uncommon) variety of non-monogamy, in which sex with other people is permitted, but emotions aren't. That's certainly never been my...
How do you stop yourself from catching feels for a sexual partner, if they’re attractive and nice to you and good in bed?
This seems to be assuming only one extremely narrow (and uncommon) variety of non-monogamy, in which sex with other people is permitted, but emotions aren't.
That's certainly never been my inclination, at least partially because sex without intimacy isn't particularly interesting to me. But multiple fully-fledged emotional relationships, or even the openness to and encouragement of them... that is great stuff.
Well, what you are suggesting is way, way over the line for my taste. I could kinda sorta imagine a purely sexual "open relationship", but polyamory to that degree is something I'll never...
Well, what you are suggesting is way, way over the line for my taste. I could kinda sorta imagine a purely sexual "open relationship", but polyamory to that degree is something I'll never understand.
Still, as I've said, if it works for someone, I'm happy to support them.
Just an FYI (doesn't change your post much, but gives a fact): Polygymy is the marriage of multiple spouses. Actually illegal in the US. Polyamory is the love of multiple people.
Just an FYI (doesn't change your post much, but gives a fact):
Polygymy is the marriage of multiple spouses. Actually illegal in the US. Polyamory is the love of multiple people.
Why do you use "polygymy" instead of "polygamy"? I checked via Google, and found a lot of matches for "polygyny" (many wives), and of course for "polygamy" (many marriages), but couldn't find...
Why do you use "polygymy" instead of "polygamy"?
I checked via Google, and found a lot of matches for "polygyny" (many wives), and of course for "polygamy" (many marriages), but couldn't find anything to indicate a meaning or origin for "polygymy".
https://www.etymonline.com/word/polygamy https://www.etymonline.com/word/polygyny Yeah, it seems polygyny is specifically related to the having multiple wives, whereas polygamy is not so strictly...
1590s, from Late Latin polygamia, from Late Greek polygamia "polygamy," from polygamos "often married," from polys "many" + gamos "marriage" (see gamete). Not etymologically restricted to marriage of one man and multiple women (technically polygyny), but often used as if it were. Related: Polygamist.
1780, "condition of having many wives," from poly- "many" (from PIE root *pele- (1) "to fill") + Greek gyne "woman, wife" (from PIE root *gwen- "woman"). Related: Polygynous.
Yeah, it seems polygyny is specifically related to the having multiple wives, whereas polygamy is not so strictly gender restricted. So would polygymy be similar to polygyny but with multiple husbands or is it just an alternate/misspelling of polygamy? I can't find any solid etymological references to it either but it does appear to be a surprisingly common spelling (or misspelling, as it were).
Yeah, the only reference I found for "polygymy" listed it as a misspelling of "polygyny". That's why I was asking @pamymaf about it, because I'm assuming it's one of those newly coined words that...
Yeah, the only reference I found for "polygymy" listed it as a misspelling of "polygyny". That's why I was asking @pamymaf about it, because I'm assuming it's one of those newly coined words that hasn't reached the dictionaries yet, that only the cool kids know (which I most definitely am not!).
The comment I was replying to originally did not say polyamory (but has since been edited). It's possible I just used whatever spelling they had, or that I misspelled it.
The comment I was replying to originally did not say polyamory (but has since been edited). It's possible I just used whatever spelling they had, or that I misspelled it.
My experience has always been that jealousy is ultimately based on some form of insecurity, be it fear of your partner leaving you, or something else. If the underlying insecurity is resolved,...
In theory it would be fine, but in practice the jealousy purely from the concept of me potentially having sex with someone else rapidly became unmanageable.
My experience has always been that jealousy is ultimately based on some form of insecurity, be it fear of your partner leaving you, or something else. If the underlying insecurity is resolved, jealously doesn't tend to manifest.
Besides, it's just sex.
Well, not necessarily. There are some versions of non-monogamy that are exclusive to sex, but "polyamory" is pretty specifically used to refer to multiple concurrent full emotional relationships, not just pure sex.
We're talking about a core personality truth - literally part of their identity. Most people seem to be very much against non-monogamy often without being able to explain why. I wish it were...
If the underlying insecurity is resolved, jealously doesn't tend to manifest.
We're talking about a core personality truth - literally part of their identity. Most people seem to be very much against non-monogamy often without being able to explain why.
I wish it were easier to get people to accept non-monogamy, because it would solve a lot of problems (such as cheating), but I challenge the notion that it's so easily solved by tackling jealousy.
I was never really happy in monogamy. I would fall in love with somebody and things would be good. But after a while, I would start eyeing somebody else while still having all the feelings for the...
Exemplary
I was never really happy in monogamy. I would fall in love with somebody and things would be good. But after a while, I would start eyeing somebody else while still having all the feelings for the first person. It really didn't make sense and would cause me to just break up with them and date the new person. Because if I really loved the first person, I wouldn't fall in love with someone else... Right?
But then I met the guy who introduced me to polyamory. It just all made sense! This is just how I'm wired. Right now I'm in a long term life partner relationship with two wonderful people. B is sweet and kind and cuddly. C is smart and perceptive and intellectual. We live together and share life goals, we might even coparent some day. Me and C are still fleshing out our gender and sexuality, but even if we lose attraction to each other sexually we'll still be in each other's life.
One of my favorite things about polyamory is that I don't have to stunt new connections. If I met somebody and really hit it off, I can see if I have time for a couple dates (after gushing to my partners of course). I don't have to hide any feelings I have for others. I can be 100% myself no matter what.
Been there, done that, gave it up because there were life goals I wanted to pursue just as strongly or more so than I was invested in maintaining complicated sexual and interpersonal partnerships....
Been there, done that, gave it up because there were life goals I wanted to pursue just as strongly or more so than I was invested in maintaining complicated sexual and interpersonal partnerships. It takes significant time and emotional effort to do this - (the difficulty doesn't scale linearly with the number of partners). Also, I'm just an old fart these days, less prone to random sparks catching fire.
My primary partner and I have settled into more conventional (?) non-monogamy with relatively stringent boundaries, and generally speaking, we don't bring anyone home on other than a "friends" basis.
Aside from the occasional swinging, we've actually been fairly stable in our configuration. I have no idea how A keeps up with everyone, but at least with my relations I'm sitting at about the...
Aside from the occasional swinging, we've actually been fairly stable in our configuration. I have no idea how A keeps up with everyone, but at least with my relations I'm sitting at about the perfect amount. It also helps that me and the other two of the triad live together.
Then again, I'm still young. Maybe it'll change in 30 years.
Man, more power to "A", and I'm glad there are people like them out there, but I can't imagine having enough time in the day to maintain that many significant relationships. For me my wife and...
Man, more power to "A", and I'm glad there are people like them out there, but I can't imagine having enough time in the day to maintain that many significant relationships. For me my wife and girlfriend are plenty.
A is quite interesting indeed. Most of my (P) relationships aside from my life partners are distant. I've found that I can really only hold two "close" relationships.
A is quite interesting indeed. Most of my (P) relationships aside from my life partners are distant. I've found that I can really only hold two "close" relationships.
My experience with polyamory is similar to my experience with body-positivity. It sounds great and a few people get to experience it, but the majority I know just use them try to fix symptoms...
My experience with polyamory is similar to my experience with body-positivity. It sounds great and a few people get to experience it, but the majority I know just use them try to fix symptoms instead of a root cause for their unhappiness/uncomfortableness. And since society in its majority still sucks, they find themselves just as unhappy. That said it's really cool for people that pull it off.
Ah... well it's probably IP based then because there is no way I have personally reached 30 articles this month since the only exposure I have to them is on Tildes, but I am browsing using a VPN...
Ah... well it's probably IP based then because there is no way I have personally reached 30 articles this month since the only exposure I have to them is on Tildes, but I am browsing using a VPN so it's likely counting all the connections from this same VPN IP as having used up the views. Lame.
Regardless of why, at least Outline.com works so I can read the article.
Yes, I live it. I'm in a relationship with two women who make me happy to be alive. I love them both with all my heart, and it makes me happy just to be around either or both of them. I should mention that I'm also a woman.
Non-monogamy is not just about sex, and jealousy is not a problem when you're doing it right with people who are doing it because it's right for them, and not simply because they feel they "have" to in order to keep their partner. You don't need to have sex at ALL to have a loving, fulfilling relationship; you don't need to have sex equally with all your partners; you don't need to feel unhappy or feel like you're missing out. It depends on your dynamic. I love my girlfriends, and being with either of them or both together makes me happy beyond words. When I am spending exclusive time with one, the other is not jealous or upset or left out, because they know that it makes me happy, and because they are also free to spend time with one of their other partners, and because they know they will also get exclusive time with me, and also simply because we don't need to spend every minute of every day together.
I had more issues with jealousy when I was nominally "monogamous" than I do now, when I know full well that both my girlfriends pursue active and fulfilling relationships with others. When I was trying to be monogamous, I would feel jealous and hurt that my girlfriend was getting cuddly and close with others, even if it was wholly platonic, because I need lots of contact and affection and one person simply couldn't provide that for me. I needed more attention and physical affection than she could really provide, but when she held other people while I was still needy it made me upset and hurt that she wasn't "thinking about me". Of course she was. She loved me, but she didn't want to give me all the attention I needed. Now, if I need attention, I'm sure one of them will be free. If neither of my girlfriends are free, perhaps a playmate will be free for some platonic time together and/or low-strings sexual stuff. And if they're not free, well then it's unusual enough that I'm perfectly able to be an adult and simply have a quiet night in, maybe with friends or maybe on my own, but it's unusual enough that I don't have constant anxiety and jealousy. When my girlfriends are spending time with each other or their own partners alone, I am filled with "compersion" - the feeling of contentment or happiness at knowing that others are having a good time and feeling good together. It's the opposite of jealousy. Knowing my girlfriends are having a wonderful, fulfilling time with their own partners makes me feel fulfilled.
So... yes. Polyamory and non-monogamy more generally can absolutely be ethical, and can even FIX jealousy issues in people who used to have them.
God-damn right there is. I love that poly is gaining steam in the mainstream.
For further reading see: The Ethical Slut & More Than Two
Well this paragraph (rephrased a bit) matches my feelings on the topic.
So it's definitely not for me and, by extension and necessity, my partner. That said, if both sides of a relationship are truly, honestly and fully fine with the idea... well, more power to them.
This seems to be assuming only one extremely narrow (and uncommon) variety of non-monogamy, in which sex with other people is permitted, but emotions aren't.
That's certainly never been my inclination, at least partially because sex without intimacy isn't particularly interesting to me. But multiple fully-fledged emotional relationships, or even the openness to and encouragement of them... that is great stuff.
Well, what you are suggesting is way, way over the line for my taste. I could kinda sorta imagine a purely sexual "open relationship", but polyamory to that degree is something I'll never understand.
Still, as I've said, if it works for someone, I'm happy to support them.
Just an FYI (doesn't change your post much, but gives a fact):
Polygymy is the marriage of multiple spouses. Actually illegal in the US. Polyamory is the love of multiple people.
Thanks for the correction, fixed :)
Why do you use "polygymy" instead of "polygamy"?
I checked via Google, and found a lot of matches for "polygyny" (many wives), and of course for "polygamy" (many marriages), but couldn't find anything to indicate a meaning or origin for "polygymy".
https://www.etymonline.com/word/polygamy
https://www.etymonline.com/word/polygyny
Yeah, it seems polygyny is specifically related to the having multiple wives, whereas polygamy is not so strictly gender restricted. So would polygymy be similar to polygyny but with multiple husbands or is it just an alternate/misspelling of polygamy? I can't find any solid etymological references to it either but it does appear to be a surprisingly common spelling (or misspelling, as it were).
Yeah, the only reference I found for "polygymy" listed it as a misspelling of "polygyny". That's why I was asking @pamymaf about it, because I'm assuming it's one of those newly coined words that hasn't reached the dictionaries yet, that only the cool kids know (which I most definitely am not!).
LOL... You and me both, brother.
The comment I was replying to originally did not say polyamory (but has since been edited). It's possible I just used whatever spelling they had, or that I misspelled it.
Okay.
My experience has always been that jealousy is ultimately based on some form of insecurity, be it fear of your partner leaving you, or something else. If the underlying insecurity is resolved, jealously doesn't tend to manifest.
Well, not necessarily. There are some versions of non-monogamy that are exclusive to sex, but "polyamory" is pretty specifically used to refer to multiple concurrent full emotional relationships, not just pure sex.
We're talking about a core personality truth - literally part of their identity. Most people seem to be very much against non-monogamy often without being able to explain why.
I wish it were easier to get people to accept non-monogamy, because it would solve a lot of problems (such as cheating), but I challenge the notion that it's so easily solved by tackling jealousy.
I was never really happy in monogamy. I would fall in love with somebody and things would be good. But after a while, I would start eyeing somebody else while still having all the feelings for the first person. It really didn't make sense and would cause me to just break up with them and date the new person. Because if I really loved the first person, I wouldn't fall in love with someone else... Right?
But then I met the guy who introduced me to polyamory. It just all made sense! This is just how I'm wired. Right now I'm in a long term life partner relationship with two wonderful people. B is sweet and kind and cuddly. C is smart and perceptive and intellectual. We live together and share life goals, we might even coparent some day. Me and C are still fleshing out our gender and sexuality, but even if we lose attraction to each other sexually we'll still be in each other's life.
One of my favorite things about polyamory is that I don't have to stunt new connections. If I met somebody and really hit it off, I can see if I have time for a couple dates (after gushing to my partners of course). I don't have to hide any feelings I have for others. I can be 100% myself no matter what.
If you're curious, here's what my 'polycule' looks like. https://polycul.es/47685ee
Been there, done that, gave it up because there were life goals I wanted to pursue just as strongly or more so than I was invested in maintaining complicated sexual and interpersonal partnerships. It takes significant time and emotional effort to do this - (the difficulty doesn't scale linearly with the number of partners). Also, I'm just an old fart these days, less prone to random sparks catching fire.
My primary partner and I have settled into more conventional (?) non-monogamy with relatively stringent boundaries, and generally speaking, we don't bring anyone home on other than a "friends" basis.
Aside from the occasional swinging, we've actually been fairly stable in our configuration. I have no idea how A keeps up with everyone, but at least with my relations I'm sitting at about the perfect amount. It also helps that me and the other two of the triad live together.
Then again, I'm still young. Maybe it'll change in 30 years.
Man, more power to "A", and I'm glad there are people like them out there, but I can't imagine having enough time in the day to maintain that many significant relationships. For me my wife and girlfriend are plenty.
A is quite interesting indeed. Most of my (P) relationships aside from my life partners are distant. I've found that I can really only hold two "close" relationships.
My experience with polyamory is similar to my experience with body-positivity. It sounds great and a few people get to experience it, but the majority I know just use them try to fix symptoms instead of a root cause for their unhappiness/uncomfortableness. And since society in its majority still sucks, they find themselves just as unhappy. That said it's really cool for people that pull it off.
For those like myself who have "... reached your monthly free access limit" from SMH:
https://outline.com/kw5tfu
It's a soft paywall: you get 30 free articles per month.
Ah... well it's probably IP based then because there is no way I have personally reached 30 articles this month since the only exposure I have to them is on Tildes, but I am browsing using a VPN so it's likely counting all the connections from this same VPN IP as having used up the views. Lame.
Regardless of why, at least Outline.com works so I can read the article.