I'm freaking out and need advice
My mother died last month and I've been thinking of leaving my father's house ever since then. I initially thought I'd be okay with doing that, regardless of whether or not my father would object, but he talked with me last night saying he'd be okay if I left and now I'm FREAKING OUT.
Background: I'm 23 and living in Houston, Texas. I have an older brother who lives in Dallas who offered to take me in, but it wouldn't be very permanent as he plans on leaving the country for a trip next year and will be gone for some time. I also have a friend from high school who offered me a room, but she lives in Seattle and was fired from her job. No one else who is close to me is able to offer me a place to stay.
My concerns: I dropped out of college. I was planning on going back but then my mother died and that plan was put on hold, so I don't have any marketable skills (I've only ever worked in retail). I also don't have a job lined up anywhere else. I've never had to take on so many bills at one time and therefore I don't know much about budgeting.
I'd like to leave, but where I am it's secure and comfy. Maybe it's finally time I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and start taking control of my own life, but I don't want to risk my safety and finances on a crazy idea.
I welcome any and all advice, and thanks for reading.
edit: changed a word
This seems like a general freaking out about adulting issue.
One of the things with anxiety is that your shame about not being comfortable with something you think you should be comfortable with makes you feel more anxious about screwing up, with ratchets up the shame, and so on. It ends up being a feedback loop of fear and anxiety that makes it hard to focus or think straight.
So first, just acknowledge to yourself that it is perfectly natural to be anxious in a situation like this. Adulting is hard and, in some big ways, it's literally never been harder. You're making a big step that will come with big responsibilities. It's also a necessary and important step to help you grow and have a greater sense of agency and control over your destiny once you get the basic habits and skills down. So it's normal to be a little scared, but there is also a lot to be excited about. Right now, you're just looking at a giant wall of "challenges" and "stuff you don't know" so it's a bit daunting. But if we break things down into little tasks on a checklist and just work through them, you'll be surprised at how quickly you can knock most of these things out.
Secondly, you're gonna need a job and your own money to truly get a taste of freedom. You mentioned you've done retail before, so right there that implies several marketable skills you can put on a resume including:
Ability to talk to customers and have a good attitude about it, even if you're unhappy and they're being dicks
Ability to show up on time and sober
Ability to follow directions and learn complex instructions
Ability to work as part of a team to execute on a goal
Creativity? (Like, window decorations and stuff)
Other things you can look at are things like a temp agency that can place you or a receptionist gig.
Thirdly, I can't go through a full Adulting 101 class in a Tildes comment, so I'm going to focus on the first and most important skill you need to learn, which is how to budget and manage your finances. I don't know where you are with this so I'll start with some basics.
Banking
You're gonna want a savings account and you're gonna want a checking account to start with. You're going to want a bank that is transparent and up front about its fee structure (so not Bank of America or Wells Fargo. I've had decent luck with Chase, but most people recommend you go with a local credit union). You're going to want to opt out of overdraft protection, where they functionally charge you $30 any time you don't have enough money in your account to save you the embarassment of having a transaction declined. Fuck that. Deal with the embarassment and save yourself the $30 poor tax. And you're going to want to set up direct deposit with whatever job you eventually get.
Budgeting
Second, you're going to want to create a spreadsheet where you lay out all your major expenses. This is not just important for making your budget, but it will help you structure your thinking around your spending. You can get as granular as you want, but for starting out I'd recommend keeping it broad.
1. Non-discretionary recurring expenses:
These are things you need to pay every single month. These go in a category together because they happen every month and you can mostly predict what it will be.
2. Non-discretionary variable expenses
These are things where you have to spend money on it, but it's unclear how much you'll be spending month to month. So this includes things like:
3. Discretionary recurring expenses
These are also things that you need to pay every month, but they aren't really necessary for going through life. So these are mostly subscription services or lifestyle expenses like:
4. Discretionary variable expenses
This is basically everything else. Your clothes, your household goods, books, your hobbies that don't involve subscriptions, eating out, getting coffee, going on dates, hitting up the club, etc.
Prioritizing
These are sorted in order of priority and priority is essentially based on least to most flexibility. The stuff up front you have very little ability to change without making major lifestyle changes, so you focus on trying to keep those expenses as low as you can deal with comfortably. Now when I say "comfort" I don't really mean luxuriousness or creature comforts (though don't feel bad about indulging in those in moderation). I'm talking about stuff that's trustworthy and reliable. You want your car to run reliably, you want your house or apartment to have heat/plumbing/AC that works and doesn't have a pest control problem, etc.
When looking for a job, you definitely want to make sure that whatever your compensation is covers all of groups 1 and 2 with plenty of room to spare. So set your budget realistically and conservatively. Then, you want to take 5% of whatever is left and put it in a savings account. When you're first starting out I'd recommend being a bit extra aggressive about saving money. They say you should try to keep enough in savings to cover you for 6 months without any major changes to your lifestyle. It's a good goal to set for yourself to try and hit that mark as quickly as you can.
What's left after that you can distribute between groups 3 and 4. Be particularly careful with group 3, because once you get into the habit of having these things it's hard to shut them off, and they can tend to bleed your savings pretty quickly. So don't sign up for something until you're sure you want it and use it regularly enough to justify it. In particular, try not to fall in love with sports or reality television. Cable subscriptions are monstrously expensive and they leverage exclusivity in access to ESPN or Bravo to make you pay out the nose (I speak from experience here).
What next?
There's a lot of optimizing you can do once you get those basics above down. Home economics is literally a class they used to teach in schools around how to manage a household, buy groceries, plan and cook meals, mend and maintain your stuff, manage household finances, etc. So you'll get the thrill of having to learn all of those on your own through, like, lifestylist instagram memes or something since they don't teach it in schools anymore.
(Edits: Big post, lots of formatting stuff to do in it)
Wow, that's a lot of good info! One thing regarding banks: I am actually using a credit union right now, but my father says I should move to a nationally recognized bank (like Chase) so it'll be an easier transition if I decide to go across state lines.
Also, I forgot to put this in the post, I do have a part time retail job but it only pays me around $800, after taxes. (not including this month, where we're given more hours since it's the holidays)
edit: a word
In general, he's right that banks have more branches and work nationally. So it comes down to how realistic do you think it is that you will move to another state? Also, it's exactly as annoying to move from a credit union to a bank now as it would be when deciding to move. So I'm not sure how much weight it should have as a consideration. It just comes down to how likely you think it will be for you to travel across state lines frequently.
Usually the bigger frustration I hear about credit unions is they don't have as many branches so if there aren't any near you then you end up having to pay a lot of ATM fees when you're trying to withdraw cash in a pinch. That kind of comes down to how well served you are by them in the area that you live in.
Well that's a good start. One note of caution though. Any money from "windfall" situations, like bonus hours around the holidays, you should generally put towards savings. When budgeting try to stick to living within whatever your stable base of income is for your inflexible expenses. And then when you get a windfall (which can be bonuses, a gift, getting a well paid temp gig, or whatever) you can apply it to some combination of treating yourself and banking it. (Caveat: paying down debt counts as "banking it," especially credit card debt which should be a high priority for zeroing out as soon as you have that 6 month buffer in place).
A lot of credit unions provide ATM fee refunds in order to make it more convenient without additional cost.
I'm not finding anything about that on my credit union's website. Should I call them directly and ask anyway?
When in doubt, ask. The worst they can do is say no. If enough people ask, they may decide to start doing it.
Yes, some do and some don't, but it's worth asking. In my experience a small native ATM network is one of the only downsides to a credit union, and even that is only an issue if you regularly need cash.
I suppose this is something you should think about: how often do you need cash? If you don't actually need cash much, then the smaller ATM networks for a credit union (or my recommendation, Simple) won't matter to you very much.
Yeah, credit unions are not as convenient as I'd like them to be, but I feel disgusted towards many national banks (expecially Wells Fargo after they had that big scandal a few years ago).
edit: I might end up using a traditional bank, however just because they're so convenient.
If you're going for a traditional bank, I like1 https://simple.com. They don't do fees, they help you find fee-free ATMs, they have budgeting and expenses features, they have savings accounts that they make it easy to use. No exploitation or anything like that. Very helpful and human customer service.
1Imagine what it means for me to say I like my bank.
Oh I'm sorry you had some bad experiences. :(
And yes, I do have a few friends both here and in other places who I talk to, but their advice is more along the lines of "what do you have a passion for?" and my answer tends to be "well, I like not being homeless and not having to worry about a gang shootout".
Yes, the idea of uprooting myself entirely sounds very destabilizing, which is why I'm being very cautious.
I almost think that I'm not even trying to "push myself out of my comfort zone" but rather trying to run away from my problems :/
No, it's not very good, we've never gotten along and he can be toxic.
Oh for sure, I'm not going to move out tomorrow.
It is very hard to give advice because I know nothing about the economics of your location (I'm not even in America), BUT I can say it is probably unwise to make such a radical decision so shortly after the loss of a parent. Since you clearly have no pressures to leave the family home, let things settle for at least another month, so you can start this new chapter of your life with your head straight. Good luck!
Thanks for the response :)
There is lots of good advice here in this thread, but I'll share one piece of it from my experience:
Some people feel the need to move out because their situation is hostile or toxic. I experienced this, and there wasn't a lot you could have told me that would have made me stay where I was. I needed to go for my own safety. If this is you, know that, while necessary, it can be very tough.
On the other hand, some people feel the need to move out because they want to establish independence from their parents. This, I would argue, is less necessary than it feels to many 20-year-olds. The problem with "independence" is that, in America, it's very much a monetary treadmill. By continuing to live with parents and share expenses, you are refusing to step onto the treadmill, which means you can save up money, develop skills, and utilize your time better than you could once you're on the treadmill.
@NaraVara covered the types of costs you'll face by moving out quite well. There's an important consideration that goes along with this: the less well-equipped you are to handle those costs, the greater the human cost you'll face. If you can't afford a car, for example, the number of potential jobs you can take are far fewer. Furthermore, you'll faced increased stress from being dependent on external factors for transportation (e.g. buses, friends, carpools, etc.). You'll also likely spend more time commuting than you would if you had a car, since you'll be running on someone else's schedule, not your own.
All of these little things compound one another, but the treadmill runs at the same rate. If you are not financially in a situation where you can stay ahead of the treadmill's pace, it will exact its cost from your humanity. For example, without enough money to cover costs you're forced to beg friends or family for money, which comes with a loss of dignity, or you can go to a predatory payday loan place, which simply postpones the financial crunch until later, yielding an even greater feeling of financial pressure and instability. When you can't pay with money, you pay instead through time, instability, stress, fatigue, and hopelessness.
I say all of this not to scare you, but to note that for many twenty-somethings itching to get out of their parents' house, it makes far more financial sense to stay because you're not yet on the treadmill. It doesn't mean all of those costs aren't there, just that they're being taken care of by people who have the means to outpace them. My advice to almost anyone in that age group would be: do NOT be so eager to step on the treadmill. Life gets much harder once you're on it, and it's nearly impossible to get off of it again.
Again, you know your situation better than I do. I would never encourage anyone to stay in a situation that's hostile to them, but I also wouldn't encourage anyone to hop onto the hostile financial treadmill that is modern adult life in America. If the level of friction at home is less than the level you'd face on that treadmill, it might make sense to stay.
I'm a bit torn on this. On the one hand, rent and utilities are really expensive and significantly hamper your ability to save money and set yourself up for the future. On the other hand, the personal discipline required to regularly make rent and manage your finances are pretty critical to develop the necessary habits that will set you up for success in the future. And it's much easier when you're young, professional expectations on you are lower, and you still have a parent around to catch you if you fall. Learning how to manage a household AFTER you end up with a career or a family and the pressure on you ratchets up gets much harder and mistakes become more costly.
I suppose, in theory, you can still cultivate these habits while living in a subsidized rent situation. But if that's where you are, it probably wouldn't hurt to help out by taking over some of the bills or at least take some of the work out of managing some finances or tasks around the house.
Great points (both here and in your other posts in this thread).
I actually over-generalized my advice a bit, as there's definitely a segment of the population for whom this independence is attainable and valuable. I do feel like there's a floor to that segment though, below which the treadmill is outright difficult, if not counterproductive. These are the people to whom I should be directing my caution. I know many people whose maximized financial output is at the minimum pace of the treadmill, so they live in a very precarious balance that can be disrupted at any moment. Furthermore, they can't ever get ahead, and much of their enjoyment in life is tinged with guilt, as any sort of non-essential spending (i.e. treating oneself) becomes an uncomfortable negotiation between comfort and necessity.
This floor is different based on everyone's individual situation: location, career prospects, transportation, family financial situation, etc. Based on what the OP shared, they sounded like they might be close to that floor, especially because dropping out of college means that they likely took on student loan debt but don't have a degree to counterbalance that. Nevertheless, I agree with you that it's not universal. Plenty of people can benefit from stepping on the treadmill and learning healthy financial habits, provided they have the means to do so in the first place.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response.
Let me make this clear: I am not in an unsafe situation and my father has told me he will not kick me out or abandon me (he is a pretty toxic person but he is true to his word). I only thought about getting out because it would take me away from him, but you've made some very solid points and I don't think I'd be able to stay balanced on the treadmill, as you'd say.
I can't offer much help, but just want you to know this is something a lot of us go through at some time or another. Keep your head up and don't let the stress of being independent get to you.
If you do end up in Dallas and got any questions about the area hit me up.
Do you live in Dallas or just work there?
Both actually. Well in the DFW area to be exact. Been here several years so I know some good places and what places to avoid.
What does DFW stand for?
How have you liked it so far?
Dallas/Fort-Worth. Its the metroplex between the two cities of Dallas and Fort Worth. The two are large cities in close proximity to each other, with Dallas being the larger city.
As someone who recently started living on their own, I can offer that perspective. So, I was also scared shitless of maintaining a life, the cooking my meals, the paying the rent and all the other stuff. But after a few months of it, I am pretty comfortable with it. You get used to those things, and since they are actually pretty straighfoward, it gets easy just to breeze through them. Its not super practical advice, but I can say that it gets easier.
On some of your wider concerns about not having a "passion", I feel you. I have never had a good response to people when they ask me that. I've always felt that some people just don't think in that way. There is also the cynical part of me that just assumes people with a Passion for <insert cool AND meaningful thing!!> are just being performative. I am just trying to figure out what I enjoy and do that for a while. If it changes, cool.
Do you live by yourself or with others?
I have 3 roomates that I didn't know before moving in. Overall, its nice to have people around, but I don't have much in common with them, so we don't really hang out.
If I may ask, how are you able to pay your bills?
I work a technical support job; it's incredibly boring, but it has given me time to get a feel for adulting. It pays ~$20 per hour, so its decent pay for a single person.
I'll say so, I wish I could make that kind of money!
If you get along with your brother and can pick up work in that area, that'd be a good middle-ground.
Even though you might not think you have marketable skills, you definitely have enough for a recruiter to find something in an office for you. It's something worth looking into, and the pay will most likely be better than retail.
It would definitely be something I could manage, but like I mentioned, he's planning on leaving for a trip next year and he said he'd be gone for a significant amount of time. He made it seem like he wouldn't stay in Dallas for much longer after that.
yeah, it doesn't have to be longterm -- just enough time to get your own stuff setup.
For me, I like to make a list, then break down those items into smaller items. I find its a lot easier to manage anything when the steps are as minor as making a phone call or whatever.
Thanks, I'll take it up with my brother and see what he thinks
Is it bad that I'm having trouble with the first step? The only goals I can think of are "don't become homeless" and "live in a safe area" and "make sure to have an emergency fund" but they're not the deep and meaningful goals that most people seem to have.
Ha! People only have "deep and meaningful goals" in their 20s. At this point the only difference between my goals and yours are that I get to tack on the words "for my spouse, dog, and future kids" to the end of each of them. When you have a job and a community of friends the more fun goals will show up on their own. You just need to focus on making sure you have the basics squared away. You can worry about your long term career and stuff once you've got the basic habits of adulting down.
Use my friends and family how? For financial support?
Yes, I do have some friends but I guess I'm not reaching out as often as I should otherwise I don't think I'd be this freaked out. I'll send some texts and try to get the conversations flowing again.