How do I talk to my girlfriend about her past sexual assault?
I've been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for almost a year now, and things seem rough right now because of an issue we're having.
My girlfriend is upset with me because she thinks I don't care about her past trauma. She's told me, very roughly, what she's gone through, and I told her that whenever she's ready to talk about it, I absolutely will. But according to her, the last time she tried to initiate talking about it, I told her that I had no idea what to say. And this upset her and stonewalled the discussion.
I don't doubt that happened. My problem is, is that if she were to try again, I might just very well do the same thing. I have zero idea on how to handle something of this severity. How do I ask her to talk about it? Is that something I should be asking? What does someone even say when given this information? I am not equipped whatsoever to deal with information of this magnitude and I'm at a loss. How do I let her know that I really do care about her, and am 100% willing to listen to what she has to say? I worry I'm too far in the doghouse to even make use of any of this advice, but any help is immensely appreciated
Edit in case anyone was interested: We talked and we're okay :). She told me what she went through and I didn't handle it nearly as bad as I worried I was going to. Thanks everyone for your kind words and helpful advice.
I'm not a therapist or counselor and am unqualified to answer beyond my own lay experience, but a good place to start would be to explore empathic listening skills.
Particularly for trauma, not offering judgments or solutions is huge. Someone discussing their trauma with you is processing it themselves, and responding with judgment can be revictimizing, while offering solutions can make them feel at fault or make them feel bad for not being able to heal/get past it. Imagine how damaging it would feel for you to open up about one of your most painful experiences only to have someone say "why do you still feel this way, it was a year ago?" or "why didn't you just leave before things got bad?"
Even if those are legitimate questions you could ask, understand that this conversation isn't about satisfying curiosity or setting the record straight. The goal of the conversation isn't to find a fix or patch anything up -- the goal of the conversation is to show that you hear her, understand her, and that you're her ally and not her opponent. When in doubt, guide your actions using those parameters and it's a lot harder to go wrong. What she needs to see, hear, and feel is your support. Make sure your communication is centered in that.
A way of helping with this is also educating yourself on the experiences of people who have gone through something similar. Not only is this good background to have, but it also might help with the types of questions you could ask (e.g. "I read that some people feel... do you experience that too?"). At the very least it shows that you're taking what happened to her seriously and are working proactively to understand it, which might be what she needs to see/hear/feel from you. Again, make sure she knows you're not doing this trying to find a fix or a solution but because you want to understand and support her.
You can find a lot of personal accounts online, but I'll personally recommend Chanel Miller's Know My Name. It's a powerful first-hand account from someone who experienced a sexual assault (you might know her as the "Emily Doe" from the Brock Turner case). It was incredibly insightful for me, and I imagine it would be for anyone who reads it. Miller is a skilled author and puts words to difficult truths in illuminating ways. I consider her victim statement to be required reading for pretty much everyone.
Furthermore, in the book, Miller specifically discusses the different ways her assault and her recovery from it put a strain on her relationship with her boyfriend. I could see this being directly relevant to your role and situation. Of course, it's important to remember that one person's experiences do not directly map to anyone else's, but there is often a lot of commonality. As such, learning about those experiences and commonalities will likely help.
Also, know that by asking this question and seeking out help, you're doing the right thing. This is not an easy thing to navigate by any means. I commend you for reaching out.
This is a much better way of putting what I was trying to say. Thank you.
Thank you. I've been very careful as of late not to offer solutions or hypotheticals to people when they vent to me/open up to me. I guess I'm just afraid of reacting "the wrong way" and upsetting her. I've never talked to anybody about something like this so I'm freaking out a bit. Thanks again for the advice
Trauma is hard. It's hard to talk about, it's hard to hear about, it's hard to deal with. It's okay to not know how to respond, because nothing but experience with trauma prepares you for it. On top of that, every trauma is individual and essentially incomparable, so even if you do have experience it's not necessarily going to translate to something helpful or healthy.
Unfortunately, without experience, this is far above my, your, or anyone on the internet's pay grade. Your questions are better answered by someone with experience on how to talk about this in a healthy way. Even if your partner is unable to talk to a therapist, perhaps you can talk to one and ask for help in understanding the ways in which you can support her.
As someone who has been in incredibly similar situations, I think you should leave the issue for now and continue to tell (and show) her that you care about her. If she brings it up again, I think you should ask her how she needs you to be there for her -- does she want you to just listen, and understand? Does she want you to try and help her to feel better? Whatever the answer, tell her that while you don't know now how to process what she is telling you and support her, you care about her and want to find out how.
I know this is pretty much an issue for experts but I appreciate that you replied regardless. Anecdotal information is going to be the most valuable here, as nobody will likely have been in my exact same position. Thank you
Anecdotally, I have only ever been any good at listening. My responses are along the lines of "that's awful" or similar -- under no circumstances do I try to 'solve the problem', even though that was always my first instinct. Solving it is impossible. Understanding it, too, is impossible, but you can at least try to understand it a little better. The only thing you can absolutely do is continue to be there for her and show her love.
Wouldn't something like "that's awful" or "I'm sorry" come across as forced or contrived? They seem almost like cop-out answers to me
It's not forced if you mean it. I'm sure there are ways to make it sound better, but the point is to acknowledge what she is telling you. It's much better than no response.
This confuses me. What do you mean? She said she wanted to talk about it and you said "I have no idea what to say?" How did this conversation go?
Frankly, no. You did the correct thing by saying
You should not be pressing an issue like this. It is up to her to decide when and how to let people in.
Is she in therapy? Has she talked with a therapist about how to let people in on this kind of information? She went through something traumatic and deeply personal and she needs to understand how people are likely to respond to upsetting information like this.
I have quite the awful memory, so as best as I can recall, she told me she was raped, and it kind of shut me down. I'm terrible with super emotional topics because I tend to overthink every response to the point of not being able to get anything out. So I genuinely have no idea what to say in response to something of that nature. But of course, saying "I don't know what to say" isn't in any way helpful. And it just stopped it there. I got quiet, and she got quiet. And it ended there and almost certainly discouraged any future attempts to discuss it. I know I could have handled this leagues better, I just have no frame of reference.
She isn't in therapy atm, and has had pretty negative experiences with therapists/psychiatrists in the past, so she avoids them. We've discussed therapy before, but she doesn't really have the time or money to seek help.
Do you have the means for a therapist? Perhaps you might seek one out to give you the tools to try and prevent yourself from shutting down.
At the end of the day I'm frankly not qualified to answer this, but as someone who has talked with others about their sexual assault experiences it's not easy and it wouldn't surprise me if I uttered the same words one of the first times I was exposed to someone else's raw emotions and trauma.
It's a tough thing to hear. It's deeply upsetting to know how someone we care about went through something so painful and traumatic. It's enraging that someone would do this to them. It's reassuring to know that your partner trusts you enough to share something so agonizing. It's rare for a human to go through so many emotions at the same time and you should show some compassion for yourself and understand that it's okay to not know how to process this while you are actively experiencing it. The fact that you are reaching out online for help is proof that you care deeply about this and want to be there for your girlfriend.
I tried therapy before but it was during a nasty depressive phase so I couldn't make it to any appointments. I'm considering going through the motions of finding a primary care physician and treating some underlying problems I suspect I have. Maybe then therapy would be smart once I know I can hold myself to it.
Thank you so much for replying. It hurts so much seeing that she thinks I don't care, when I really just don't know how to better elucidate that I do. Your words have eased me greatly.
Getting out of a 'so depressed you can't get out of bed' funk is very hard to do on your own.
I had good luck with a psychiatrist who also does therapy, at least for depression. It's a good combo, as it's more well-rounded than having them seperate.
And if you have trouble speaking in the moment, perhaps write something out. I know how hard it can be to speak in the moment, especially when you're not well equipped to handle deep emotions.
Here's a phrase I found myself using frequently: "I need a few minutes to process because all my thoughts are jumbled right now."
Therapy was hard for me because my therapist would ask me "What do want to work on?" and I would never really have an answer besides "I'm depressed and have no idea why". Maybe I'll try again; it would be pretty embarrassing to be assigned the same therapist haha.
I'm usually able to speak pretty eloquently (I'd like to think); it's only when I'm met with deep conflict/emotion. Writing may be able to best help me. Thank you for your words
Have you told her explicitly what you've said here? i.e. you feel you have zero idea of how to handle something of that magnitude well, but you care about her and are willing to listen anyway?
I have. I'm just worried about when we actually talk about it. I don't wanna say anything stupid, y'know?
She needs a professional therapist, not a boyfriend, to talk to about this. All you can do is listen and be kind and human but if the subject grows to envelop your entire relationship, and its a subject that most of us are not skilled to handle - there is very little you can do.
Tell her honestly, and clearly, and if you feel that you have a hard time to get your point across in the heat of the moment, write her a note or read from the note or just hand it over for her to read while you're standing there.
Be clear about your inability to do more than empathize and be on her side and that you didn't mean "I don't want to talk" when you said you didn't know what to say.
You're not a therapist, a crisis counsellor and you've known this woman for a year. You have a human responsibility to be empathetic, understanding and kind but that's about it.
Of course you don’t know what to say, no one does. She requires professional psychotherapy. All your conversations should lead to that suggestion. That is all.