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Writing a best man speech for my brother’s wedding, any advice?
I’m writing the best man speech for my brother’s upcoming wedding. I haven’t been to many weddings so to be honest I’m not super familiar with the format of this speeches, or things I should be sure to mention (I.e. things like “be sure to thank xyz person”). I’m asking some family members but thought I should cast a wider net and ask here too. Any advice for writing this type of thing? Any memorable ones, good or bad, to emulate or avoid?
I have given some wedding speeches, including a best man speech for my brother's wedding. I have been told I give good ones. Here are some guidelines:
Do not drink much before your speech. 2 drinks maximum before you give your speech.
You may compliment the bride's half of the wedding party for how they look, and thank the hard work of everyone involved if that feels appropriate. You may raise a drink to the brides' party if you want.
Timing is important. You probably have a lot of things to say, but try to keep it to 3 minutes. I know that this sounds very brief, but it is an appropriate amount of time for a speech. If you must go longer, then absolutely no more than 5 minutes.
About half of your speech will be about the groom, your brother. It is meant to make him feel good. Make it something that makes him feel good; even if you have a family dynamic of "busting each other's balls" (my family certainly does) avoid the temptation to do publicly in a speech.
Humour is good, but it isn't necessary. If you are going to be funny, do not be funny at your brother's expense. This is a day to celebrate him; tell funny stories that build him up. No jokes about being drunk and doing stupid things. At my brother's wedding, I talked about our friendship, despite being 10 years difference in age, and how proud I was of him.
Talk at least briefly about love in general, and the relationship of the bride and groom specifically. It is the reason that everyone is gathered. It can be saccharine. It probably should be at least somewhat saccharine. This bit from Wedding Crashers is actually beautiful: "They say true love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpoint in another." That's the sort of thing that works at a wedding.
Talk briefly about the bride Ideally, you will say something like "You've been a part of our family for a while, but I'm so excited to have you for a sister-in-law." Keep it brief, and keep it truthful. I told a story about the first time I met the bride, which was even before they started dating, and how that day I knew they were going to get together.
End your speech with something simple and to the point: "I'm very happy for you both, and I love you." And you can raise a glass to the couple at this point.
This bears repeating: keep it brief.
Practice the speech. If you have a partner, or a roommate, or can gather with people wherever you are, then practice it with them. Ask for feedback. Do not make brief notes and then wing it.
Make sure that the speech is appropriate for the guests of the wedding; if your grandmother is there, or if kids are there, the speech should be appropriate for all of them.
You may want to have a theme that ties everything together (ie - the things you talk about regarding the bride, the groom, or any other stories have something tying them together) but I don't think that's actually necessary.
All solid advice, especially the drinking. I personally suggest one or none, there will be plenty of time to get drunk later. Water and breathing for the nerves.
Some addons:
Don't be afraid of pulling out your speech on a piece of paper. I had rehearsed, but having it right there in big, bold font in front of me helped keep me on track and focus more on the delivery (eye contact around the room is super important for the vibe of the speech) and less on remembering the speech. Nobody will remember the scrap of paper. They'll probably remember pauses and ums while trying to remember or piece together in real time.
If you miss a word or two, just keep rolling. Better to keep the flow than to rewind.
A quick breathmint beforehand should keep some saliva flowing to prevent itchy mouth/throat. Test yourself on this during practice.
Great addons! And I thought of one more: avoid in-jokes or references. If you're making a joke that only a few people will get, then a lot of people won't get it.
This might seem like kind of strange advice, but unless you're very experienced at speaking, or the bride and groom are specifically requesting you to do something exceptional, you should actually aim for your speech to not be memorable.
All those people that made memorably-bad speeches weren't trying for it to be bad, they were all certainly doing something they thought would be great, and were just oblivious to how it would actually come across. The best way to avoid that happening is to just keep to something straightforward, even if it feels like that will be boring.
Tell a short story, ideally about the bride and groom together, and how you can tell how much they're in love from how they behave towards each other. Aim for endearing, not embarrassing. Raise a generic toast, sit back down. About all you want is for your brother and his wife to come out of it feeling glad that you did it, you're a supporting role in their event.
And yes, like @aphoenix said, don't drink before your speech.
See if you can be the first human in history to avoid opening, "For those of you who don't know me...." I think it's impossible.
I would avoid searching for "best man speech jokes" or the like. Gags like, "I've been asked to keep it brief... [proceed to unfurl 30 sheets of paper taped together]," or "Look into each other's eyes. Bro, put your hand on top of hers. Savor this moment. It's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand! Wokka wokka!" have been done past the point of universal nausea.
I gave a best man speech for my brother a couple of years ago. Doing some research on general public speaking can be helpful. And then I'll echo aphoenix in that you want to be somewhat brief, humor without roasting, and heartfelt. Play to your strengths - I was definitely more comfortable adding humor because of who I am and my relationship with my brother/family.
Some random notes:
I'm surprised to see recommendations against roasting; out of the numerous weddings I've been to, I can't remember best man's speeches that didn't have a sizable (rated-PG or G) groom roasting portion, and they were all well received. The maid of honor's speeches tended to be more saccharine, though even those would have at least a zing or two of the bride.
That seems somewhat aimed at me so I'll clarify my thoughts here. I am certainly not saying that you cannot make jokes about the groom, even at the groom's expense. However, don't turn it into a roast. I've been to weddings where there were ten minute speeches from the best man that basically amounted to "lol bride, you fucked up by marrying this idiot" and it's not a good vibe. I would say that people laugh because not laughing is rude, but that's about it. Even if everyone who isn't the groom enjoys it, the groom very well might not, and not enjoying something on your wedding day sucks.
Certainly have some light-hearted humour, and you can poke some fun, but it's supposed to be a day of joy, and a day that builds a relationship. Foster the idea of building instead of roasting.
I think that's going to depend entirely on the groom, your relationship with the groom, and what sort of vibe the bride and groom want from their speeches. I've been at weddings with very well received roasts and weddings with well received sincere speeches. Different people want different things. At the end of the day, respect the wishes of those who are getting married first and foremost and your relationship as the best man/MoH second.
All advice comes with the caveat that the specifics of the situation trump the generalities of advice. That is the nature of giving generic advice on the internet, and should be understood and implied in any situation.
If the groom says to you, "Please roast me" then that's 100% what you should be doing. In the absence of specific information, though, I stand by my generic advice - light hearted humour is better than a roast.
Ah, ok, now I understand where you're coming from. That sounds a lot more intense and mean (or at least less than good) spirited than what I've heard and have considered a "roast" in the context of wedding speeches.
I think there's a difference between "a roast" and "light jokes about the groom" and I guess I didn't do a good enough job of making that clear, and it's probably because I quite enjoy watching Comedy Central Roasts. That's what I meant when I talked about not roasting the groom; too many people think they're Jeff Ross, and they're not.
I did make jokes during my speech at my brother's wedding, and one of them was at my brother's expense, but there was no roast. And, as I think was suggested elsewhere in the thread, the joke I told at my brother's expense was one that was tied to the overall theme; in general terms, it was about his (lack of) skill as a navigator, but I tied it into his wife being a guiding light for him later in the speech.
A quick zing as part of a broader topic to show character works well. Embarrashing stories not so much.
I liked telling a joke about a minor character flaw that new spouse helps round out. Ideally if it can be a bit of an in-joke where the broad stroke has mass understanding but the embarrasing details are only known to those in the wedding party.
Update: The speech is written and rehearsed and I'm feeling pretty good about it. All of the advice here is very much appreciated and really helped me to settle in and write. I have some experience from theater and scientific conferences so the delivery doesn't really phase me, but content-wise you all were super helpful. Thanks!
I found this article from Hitched that covers the order/format/mentions for traditional speeches. I'm not sure how "accurate" it is since some wedding decisions are deeply personal and the norm is constantly changing, but we're using it as an initial template for our wedding party.
I think there are some good things in there, but I followed it through to the "33 funny best man jokes" and I would strenuously recommend not roasting the groom, or at least making any roasting very, very light.
There are loads of funny things to say that aren't at the groom's expense.
I celebrated a wedding once. There was obviously no room for errors since it was a very important moment for everyone involved. I have a religious background which helped, but I did not make it into a religious celebration of any kind, and also made sure that it was relevant for those that do not have any faith at all.
I prepared my text well in advance, which was proof read by both my parents who are experienced journalists (a unique advantage...). Bride and groom also veted the text and made minor adjustments. So I definitely recommend running your lines by someone you trust.
Like @deimos insightfully observed, do not make any extra effort to be memorable. I would add, do not try to be quirky or dazzle the guests with exquisite humor. The kind of person that can do those things generally do not seek public speaking advice on general purpose Internet forums.
You were chosen to be in that position due to your unique emotional connection with the couple, everything you say is meaningful by default. So keep it true, keep it sweet, keep it simple, and relax. No one's expecting a comedy act or a speech from a Meg Ryan movie. Just say your piece and enjoy the party.
The above advice sounds good but God if it feels like a bland formality. Do something weird and interesting like instead of a speech write a horoscope or recite a recipe or stand on your head!
Weddings are generally formal affairs. They're also 100% not about the best men. @Qis I'm certain you're well meaning but I must disagree in the strongest terms. Don't do any of that OP, I cannot stress this enough!