How to not feel lonely?
Hi,
I joined Tildes a long time back but haven't been the most active member. I was recently diagnosed with OCPD by a psychiatrist and I feel I may be codependant as well. Off late I have been feeling terrible but don't a lot of people I can talk to -- my SO suffers of OCD and is going through a particularly tough period in her life, she has explicitly said she can't be there for me; I don't quite share a relationship with my friends when I can just call them up in the middle of the night when I'm feeling terrlb;e. I'm feeling exremely lonely; what can I do to not feel this way?
I would normally describe myslef as emotionally stable, stoic even. However, this recent diagnoses has been quite upsetting; the best way I can describe what I'm feeling is an erosion of my sense of self. I realise all of what I'm feeling my head, and I fear that I may be just imagining most of problems. I'm at a state where I don't quite know what to do anymore, what I need is someone to tell me what do at any given point of time. I can't pursue therapy at the moment due to a variety of constraints but I am reading books which have come heavily recommended from others suffering similarly.
Hi friend. First of all, please don't hesitate to hop on tildes any time you do feel lonely, be it just for a chat, debate, anything. You can also DM me if you wish, I promise I'll answer.
There's no miracle cure to loneliness, but talking to people is a good way to treat the symptoms.
That is often what loneliness is, though: a symptom. Introspection is the only way to figure out what's at the root of it.
I notice this in your post:
and I would encourage you to really look into this. Is it actually true, or an assumption you have about your friends? Is that assumption valid for all your friends? Really look into who, of those close to you, could be willing to lend an ear to your situation. Remember you don't need them to fix things, you might just need to have a drink together and ramble on a bit, even that could help.
Here is an example approach, to inspire you a bit: "Hey bud, I'm having a bit of a shit time at the moment. You mind if we grab a drink together? And I totally understand if you don't have the head space for this at the moment, we all have our own shit going on especially lately, so please don't feel pressured to say yes."
I've tried to do what little introspection I can since I read your comment and it has been extremely helpful. I think I said what I did because I don't think I'm worth other people's time, which isn't true. I have some great friends, and if it came down to it I'm sure they'll help. At some level I just want others to be there for me without me having to ask for it, which is silly (and most likely just my codependency speaking). I'll try to be more vocal about my needs with my friends.
Good on you! I'm glad to hear you have great friends :) indeed you have to be vocal about your needs and wants, even if you're high up in someone's priority list, they can't be in your head.
Take care of yourself.
I can offer this at least- you are not the only one.
I have suffered from chronic isolation, punctuated by a few brief times in my life. For me the cause is complex childhood trauma.
I have found relief in a third wave twelve step group-aca. Many people rightly complain about 12 steps lack of edficacy or religiosity. But i can assure you there are many high quality individuals there who have overcome isolation themselves and now sincerely want to help others do the same.
And there’s like a group for nearly every dysfunction as far as i know.
Another thing it’s important to remember, this world is made for extroverts. Culture encourages high level gregarious discourse, there are precious few supports or frameworks for more deeply meaningful connection. It’s important to remember this because it’s otherwise very easy to blame and shame ourselves as the sole reason for our predicament, and further shame and blame ourselves for “failing” to get ourselves out if it. A truth and a paradox-i am not responsible for my trauma, but I am responsible for my own recovery, but it is unreasonable to expect to do it by myself.
Thank you very much for taking up the time to write this out. I'll try my best to look up groups for OCPD and codependency online; I think I may have found one for codependency already. At some level I knew that I can't be the only one experiencing what I am experiencing, but hearing someone else say it (even if only an anonymous stranger) really does help ease the sting.
A psychiatric diagnostic can make us reevaluate all our personal history and question our very identities. "Did I do that because I wanted, or because of my illness?", "Do I like X just because, or is it an expression of my malfunctioning brain?". Yeah, I went through that multiple times. Can't say I have a sure solution, but it helps to understand that identities and personalities are fluid and change every day. Maybe Buddhism can help with that? I feel that I recommend Buddhism on lots of advice threads these days, but I can't help it. It is super useful.
You must also know that, deep down, we are all alone. Some are alone while surrounded by people they don't care about. Some are alone in an empty house. Some have strong bonds with close friends and family, but trust me, everyone must eventually accept that being alone is an integral part of the human condition -- and that's okay.
Why do I say everyone is alone? Because whatever mode of communication you use, you will never be able to convey to another human being precisely what you feel, think, and perceive. You may think that you do, but there will always be a gap between minds. At some level at least, we are always alone with our thoughts. I cannot translate myself, and never will. But it is a good idea to keep trying!
Besides, loneliness is always there, lurking, waiting. On a long drive by yourself. When you go to the bathroom. When you wake up, or right before you fall asleep. When you walk your dog, wash the dishes, turn off your computer, television, or smartphone. When there's a power outage, or when you finish a book you loved. It seeps through the cracks.
The "solution" to the problem is not just to have people that you love around you. I mean, that is something you should definitely take steps to have (lots of good advice on this thread, just pick one!). But even then, eventually, you will have to accept that, ultimately, being alone is our natural condition. And you know what? That is fine, because you are a beautiful, amazing, interesting person, so why wouldn't you love being in your own company?
When you understand that[1], you will not seek others because you need them, you will seek others because you want them. And those are two very different ways to live life.
Good luck!
[1] and I'm not saying that is easy, nor that I have accomplished that entirely myself...
OK. It's late here and I'm gonna crash soon because I gotta get up for work in the morning.
My replies may be slow but I'm not ignoring you.
I have OCD. My shrink has made it clear that it's on me to control this.
I cannot lean on my wife.
I had to learn and apply coping skills.
Now, this is all what my shrink told me. YMWV.
Which coping methods are you using?
OCPD and OCD tend to differ in some very fundamental ways. Unlike people with OCD, I have no anxiety about how I behave, it's the opposite -- I'm conviced that what I'm doing is absolutely right. It is this revelation, that I think I'm right but I may not be is what really bothers me. I can't seem to trust myself anymore. At the moment I'm trying to read as much about my disorder as I can, and implementing what I learn along the way. My experience ends up being particularly hurtful because of how my OCPD and my codependency interact -- I hurt myself because it feels right and not hurting myself hurts because it feels wrong. I just don't have anyone to share this with at the moment and that makes it worse.
I understand the 2 are different.
I'm interested if the coping skills you're learning are at all similar to the ones I've learned.
For me, one part of managing this is boosting serotonin by any means necessary.
I'm curious if it's the same for you and, if so, what activities do you engage in to accomplish this
OCPD is a personality disorder, it pervades my entire personality, all of who I am. It is extremely disheartening to realise what I thought were personality quirks were really just symptoms of how broken I am. I was "me" earlier but don't know if that is who I should be, that person is abnormal, they have a mental disorder. And if I can't be "me" then who should I be? It all seems overly melodramatic now that I've typed it out, maybe I should just get on with life. But can I really trust this judgement? I'm feeling terrible because I have no one to share this with. I couldn't possibly tell my parents; their child can't possible be broken. I have told my friends, but they don't quite get it. I told my girlfriend about this, but she can't help me in the state that she is in right now. Where am I to go? What am I to do?
You sound like you're having a pretty bad anxiety attack. I assume you know how to handle your own anxious energy (deep breathing, yoga, excersize, whatever.) Start with that. Take a break for a minute. I've gone through similar, it fucking sucks. But you'll be ok.
I've had way more godawful therapists, neurologists, and doctors than decent ones, by a long shot. So don't just trust their judgement. If it explains some of the things about you, great! You just got to know yourself better. If not, fuck it, get a new doctor.
It sounds like you didn't view your quirks as much of a negative before, so really this diagnosis shouldn't change much. The D in OCPD is for Disorder. If it's not regularly impacting your life in a negative way, it's not a disorder. If they are minor inconviences than it's a light disorder. It's a huge sliding scale.
Dude, we are a sum of our parts. I'm autistic, does that mean that's who I am? I'm just autism, fucking of course not. But it does explain why I do think certain ways or do certain things sometimes. It explains a lot of things I struggled with when I was younger and some I still struggle with. I wound up accepting this shit as part of who I am in my late teens/early twenties, much like how you view your quirks. The diagnosis didn't change that. It doesn't have to change shit for you either. It might help explain some things or it could be bullshit. Either way, the diagnosis is only as important as you make it. You seem to be forgetting that you might not control all your quirks but overall you're behind the wheel.
You have friends. You have a girlfriend. You have parents you care about. Sounds to me like you're probably not that broken. Maybe damaged or bruised. But we all are to a varying extent and it's always changing. So it's not worth worrying about.
Of course, you can tell your parents, shit they've watched your quirks for ages. They probably knew them before you did. More than likely they just opted to let you grow into the person you are without telling you or making you feel broken. You know, being good parents.
Where did you go before the diagnosis? What did you do before the diagnosis? That's what you should be doing, the same shit. You're still the same person. What would you have done without the diagnosis. That diagnosis doesn't change who you are. It might explain a couple things, but that's all. On the flip side if you don't like some of your quirks or they are interfering with your life in a shitty way, you now have a much easier path to changing these things.
If you're comfortable sharing, what symptoms do you have?
What is OCPD?