Have you ever fallen victim to a Siren's Song?
In three days, I will have 7 years clean from opiates including heroin. I've actually been talking about it quite a bit on Tildes recently due to a lot of mental health threads popping up, but outside of this forum, I don't really think or talk about my previous life very often. For me, putting that life in the rearview and disengaging from the recovery community was the best way to stay clean.
However, around anniversaries, I usually take a bit of time to reflect. I consider where I was, where I am now, how I got there, and how I got here. I think about how different my life is now that I have an amazing career, a house, a wife, and a beautiful infant son.
This anniversary, I've been thinking about the Siren's song, the Faustian bargain, the devil in a dress. In other words, I've been thinking about how enticing false promises can be.
I think back to when I had my hydrocodone prescription for a knee injury right around the time I started partying pretty hard - toward the end of high school and early college. The people I started hanging out with were incredible to me. They were early in their addictions, so they were on top of the world. They had jobs, cars, unlimited drugs, and were surrounded by attractive women. They had zero side effects from their drug use and were living a crazy lifestyle that looked more fun than anything I'd ever imagined. They worked all day to pay the bills and sold small amounts of drugs to fund their own habits - use half, sell half at a party. Easy. This was when I started incorporating hydrocodone into my partying routine. I knew I liked opiates, but I didn't know you could be high all the time with zero consequences. (Spoiler alert, you can't. You all know where this is going).
Soon after, I became the guy I thought I wanted to be. I was the one who was carrying around a pharmacy in my backpack and was able to get my hands on any drug you can think of. I had a hundred friends and a million buddies. I was dating and having sex with women who I felt were "out of my league." I was getting my degree, and I was having a ton of fun pretty much every single day and night. When I look back at photos from this time in my life, I still have a hard time believing it was real. I have stories for days. Insane, amazing, hilarious stories. These were some of the best times of my life in many ways. At the time, I wanted it to last forever and thought maybe it could. This was the Siren's song working its magic. I was trapped by this point.
This lasted longer than you'd think. But eventually, I started experiencing withdrawal when I wasn't high. Then I had to start going on more and more "side quests" to get money for drugs since I could no longer satiate the craving by selling half and keeping half. I noticed that the people I once looked up to weren't doing so hot. A few of them overdosed, a few of them got arrested, and a few packed their bags to get away and get clean. My friends either got into drugs with me or distanced themselves.
Things started getting really dark after college. Now I was getting high alone most of the time and the parties were fewer and farther between. Things got really really dark when I was doing crazy shit like driving from NY to Texas without sleeping and buying black tar heroin. I often found myself in the open-air drug market in my city buying drugs at 4 in the morning from people with guns, found myself stealing pills from loved ones, started selling my belongings, crashed two cars, lost three jobs, etc. You get the picture.
If anyone has ever wondered why addicts go to such great lengths to get high, it's mostly because withdrawal is the most unpleasant thing you could ever imagine. Movies and TV don't even begin to show how unbearable it really is. Imagine a full body flu, kicking, shaking, puking and wishing you were dead. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is that your brain literally can't produce happy chemicals, so you can't feel a sliver of happiness or optimism. You can't even remain logical about the situation. Your brain is telling you that life is meaningless and without joy for now and for always unless you get high. Between that and the physical symptoms (both of which last weeks/months) it's way too easy to use the panic button and take a hit, which instantly makes everything beautiful and wonderful again.
I look at my life now and I cannot believe how fortunate I was/am. I managed to escape that hell with no felonies, no diseases, and few long-term consequences. This good luck allowed me to move on and build a better life with fewer obstacles than most. I feel immense sadness for the many others who weren't so fortunate. I can name 10 people I knew personally from those years that ended up losing their lives to fentanyl. I can name many more who have criminal records that make them hard to employ. I know that, of those of us who got clean, there are at least a handful that will continue to struggle, relapse, and possibly die. It's hard to imagine how something that makes you feel so unbelievably good can leave a pile of bodies in its wake.
I tell this story because I have been thinking about three interesting memories/concepts lately:
1. The Siren's Song - something that seemed pure and beautiful was the worst thing to ever happen to me.
2. The incubation period of addiction - this early phase where you found something you love and you want everyone to experience it. This is when addicts are the most dangerous I think. This is when they hook their friends and loved ones by demonstrating to others that they too can manage this amazing life just fine with no consequences. Like a virus, I was already infected and contagious, but since I wasn't showing symptoms, people didn't know to stay away from me.
3. A conversation I had with my drug counselor when I first got clean. I was beating myself up, telling her I blamed myself because I knew better than to get hooked on drugs. She got very serious and said to me, "Stop. Don't ever say that again. You didn't know. You might have heard, but you didn't know. I've seen hundreds of addicts, and none of you knew what you were getting into. If you had known, you wouldn't have done it. Simple as that."
I don't have any deep insights or points to make - just reflecting and wanted to open the floor for discussion. Have any of you ever had any experiences with a Siren's song?
I want to chime in a bit from the other side, not on any sort of a moral high horse but because I want to support fellow sailors like myself who feel like the only ones not diving into the water, the only ones with wax in our ears, and worse, the ones who aren't happy for our intoxicatingly happy friends.
The parties do look fun, sure, but it's the words that hurt our hearts. We see you looking amazing and having a good time. We have normal boring sad bits about life that we want to get away from as well. And maybe you're right, we're not being supportive, we dislike you having fun, we're not committed to the friendship or relationship....and it feels bad.
I grew up with media portraying exactly that: skinny skeleton of a man, shivering with fever, rolling on the bed that feels like he's on blades of swords.
I'm an extremely risk adverse person so the fun was never enticing enough for me. But it's the accusations that really tore at me: how I'm judging them, how I'm not being supportive, how I'm not being rational and bought into racist/classist/outdated propaganda and being idiots who believe bad things about things we haven't tried.
The fact is that most everyone uses something and we all deny the bad effects: sugar, carb, caffeine, alcohol, weed, all the way to drugs. It's all good they say, it's all perfectly fine they say.
But if they all produce some sort of good feelings, then they must be doing something. Moderation is key, but the thing is that addiction to good feelings is what makes moderation hard. And then add how the body habituates.
I do hope more stories like yours will spread and more people will read them and be properly scared by substances. Good job, I'm so happy for you that you made it, and I hope many will stay away because of stories like yours
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had a friend who got into harder stuff, but I always chickened out, which I am quite thankful for. I know you aren't looking to do an AMA and are looking for people coming from a similar background, but I figure I'll ask and you can decide if it's worthwhile to reply. I have a loved one in my personal life currently struggling with addiction and the chance to talk to someone who's successfully overcome it is an opportunity I can't bring myself to pass up. I want my loved one to get better and I want to know what my credence in this possibility should be.
What are the odds someone in your position succeeds in kicking the addiction entirely? I know it's anecdotal, but I'm sure you have a good sense of how often people do/don't succeed.
Do things go back to the way they were before? Do the urges eventually go away? Can one go days/weeks/months without thinking about it? Or is this a lifelong struggle?
What advice do you have for the family of someone going through addiction? What can I do that will help? What actions of family members help/harm someone going through this in your view?
I am more than happy to answer anyone's questions. It gives me a chance to reflect and I owe society/humanity/the universe something in return for the amazing and privileged life I have.
One
The odds of success are definitely up for debate and it really depends how far gone someone is. Some sources say 90% of heroin users recover, even without treatment, while other sources say 90% will never recover. Addicts are hard to study. Terms like "user" and "recovery" are hard to define. It's really complicated and comes down to each individual case.
In my personal experience, those with the best shot at recovery are those who still have something left to lose and still have something left to gain. If you have AIDS, felonies, are homeless, and no savings at 51 years old after using for ten years, it's going to be a much higher and harder climb for you than someone who is young and still has plenty of chances to go move on with their life and leave the drugs behind. A criminal record in particular makes recovery much, much harder by limiting your job opportunities. When I look at young, intelligent, white addicts with middle class families and strong support systems, I tend to think they have really good odds of recovering as long as they don't overdose on fentanyl first. Unfortunately, no matter what drug you're using these days, the risk of getting fentanyl mixed in is extremely high. A lot of people who would have otherwise recovered are dying too soon to give it the old college try.
Two
Do things go back? Yes and no. I don't crave heroin or opiates at all. I don't think about them all that much either unless it's in this type of context. That said, it did make some good and bad permanent changes to my brain and thinking.
On one hand, I will never take the little things for granted ever again. Waking up feeling normal (not sick), the smell of coffee, a relaxing day, a good video game or time with friends, etc. These are things I didn't fully appreciate before. But now, when I compare my "boring" life to the miserable fucking hell I used to live in, I am incredibly grateful for all of life's little pleasures. Even when something bad happens, I think to myself, "Well, this still beats the shit out of kicking the habit in a detox bed. Nothing I experience will ever be that miserable ever again. My life is awesome."
On the other hand, my emotions are muted. Between the opiates and all the other drugs I abused, I don't think I experience the highs or lows of life like other people anymore. Most people experience their moods on a scale of 1-10. I experience mine on a scale of 4-8. Nothing compares to the high highs and low lows of heroin. Nothing. But I have found contentedness in this and much prefer it.
The biggest change has been that I experience a strong, almost endless amount of empathy for the pain and struggles of others. I have a very hard time seeing others and blaming them for their poor choices. Other people feel rage when they read about killers and rapists. I tend to feel bad for them, even when I probably shouldn't. I ask myself what went wrong in their brains and/or lives that made them so sick and sad that they ended up doing what they did. But society wouldn't function very well if everyone took this approach. Personal responsibility still has to be a thing.
Three
My advice for someone going through addiction is to take the plunge and go to rehab. Science is fucking incredible and medications they have now are MIRACLES. For opiates in particular, they have an injection (brand name is Sublocade) that has changed everything. It prevents withdrawal, tricks your brain into thinking you're high without causing euphoria, prevents you from using again for 3 months each time you get a shot. Oh, and it's really easy to stop taking with little to no withdrawal. I got off it easily. Sublocade saved. my. life. Rehab was also really fun and wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I wish I had gone sooner. The way I got clean was to put my trust in science, find hobbies, and then change people, places, and things that I associated with drugs.
As for the role that friends and family should play, well, that's also complicated. Some families have success with the "providing endless support" method, but this can also lead to enabling. Other families have success with the "sink or swim" method, but there is a very real chance your addict will just choose to be homeless and die if you take this approach. My mother did the sink or swim method. She found heroin in my backpack one day when I was at her house and she called a friend of hers in the police department. She said, "Either you get in the car and go to rehab tomorrow or I'm having the police come over here to arrest you for possession. You pick." Well, I figured that was actually a pretty easy choice. I stayed at her house that night after she locked away my wallet and car keys. I snuck into her bedroom, stole them back, went to the city and got high one last time, and then went to rehab in the morning. That was 7 years ago on September 1st and it was the last time I used.
My advice for families is to do what you know to be right for your addict. If you feel that they just need a push, then push. It will be hard and scary. They will hate you for it (for a while). Tell them you are here to support them but not to enable them. Don't give them money, don't give them rides, don't give them things they can sell. Don't trust them with anything because they will absolutely lie about everything to keep getting high. I photoshopped receipts so I could get high with money my family gave me for car insurance and groceries. Your goal is to get them in treatment and keep them in treatment without pushing them over the edge into homelessness and rage. You push too hard, they go live with a loser friend and fuck up their life. You don't push them enough, they keep doing what they're doing. At the end of the day, you don't get to decide for them. You can only play the cards you're dealt and try your best to strategically support/push them into getting clean. Lead the horse to water over and over again. Try everything you can think of to make them drink it. But most importantly, take care of yourself first. Addicts are bombs that destroy city blocks around them when they go off. They lie, they betray, they steal, and they drain you of energy. If your addict refuses, relapses, or even dies, it is 100% not your fault. You will make mistakes in this process. You will get angry or give up. You will not make the perfect strategic move every time. It's impossible because you can't predict every outcome and you have your own life/feelings to manage as a human being. Do not blame yourself if things aren't going smoothly because they almost definitely won't. You just do your best.
Best of luck. Please, please reach out anytime. Message me if you have questions, updates, concerns, or anything else.
FWIW this is half the premise behind moving beyond punitive justice into rehabilitiative justice.
I posit society would be better overall if everyone started closer to your stance.
Perhaps! Sometimes I doubt my bleeding liberal heart. I think the thing that makes me uncomfortable is the question of who is responsible if a supposedly rehabilitated person reoffends and hurts more people.
Even though I feel a ton of empathy and belief that people can change, I know that not all of them can.
Do you think these issues can be reconciled with rehabilitative and restorative justice? What about the people who we can never trust in society again?
Thanks for your comments and your post. It is well written and interesting to me. I'm glad you managed to get better and continue to do so!
Have you ever tried hard stimulants? I never did heroin, only some prescription opioids and research chemical opioids, and they never felt great compared to some stimulants. Opioids also gave me constipation, itchiness and nausea, which is unpleasant enough; I couldn't imagine how bad withdrawals must feel if even just trying to take the drug tended to make me feel sick. Maybe prescription opioids (like the one you mentioned taking after your knee injury) can be a gateway to addiction because they will give you some tolerance with fewer side effects at first. Do you think opioids are an acquired taste so to say (maybe a bit like alcohol)?
I wonder if some people are more prone to getting addicted to certain substances (while being less likely to get addicted to other ones) just biologically, and whether that could be tested one day. I think I read something like that about alcohol, but I'm not sure.
Maybe the route of administration also matters, I never injected any opioid. Do you think it made a difference to your addiction how you administered drugs? Stimulants felt way more addictive and "great" when I snorted them, maybe it works analogously with opioids.
Heroin seems hard to get nowadays where I'm from (Germany). From what I've read, many addicted people switched to purely synthetic opioids, but I'm not sure if that's true. I also wonder if it's actually true that opioids like fentanyl feel less "warm/good" than heroin. I recently read about kratom (which apparently has some light opioid-like effects) and considered buying some as it is legal here and apparently helps some people with chronic pain, but I read many people got addicted and got bad withdrawals even from that.
This is an interesting point. My boyfriend was committed to a mental hospital a few years ago due to drug use (not heroin), and one of the doctors there told him most people like him never get better, which in hindsight seems like such an irresponsible thing to say because he got better pretty quickly, and never really had the same issues again (even though he could very well have died from an overdose). I assume he recovered because he was young, pretty new to taking drugs, had a support system and changeable life circumstances, while a doctor having to deal with addiction every day probably gets jaded and biased since they often have to deal with the sickest patients over and over again.
If he hadn't had a good support system and his family, it maybe actually could have ended like the doctor predicted, but not because drug abuse is inherently "impossible" to treat like the doctor suggested. I think treating addiction without helping people to also change their life-circumstances will never have the same success rate. I think that also applies to other illnesses. I had to get treatment for an eating disorder this winter, and while I made measurable progress there, I did not manage to change my life-circumstances, so I did not end up recovering long-term.
I think those biases which might develop in people who are treating addiction and other illnesses could be counter-productive and might influence policy in a negative way. I would assume similar biases might apply to cops and public school teachers for instance, but I only have my anecdotes and no data (and I obviously also might be pretty biased myself).
Another point is the people who never got that far into an addiction (or are functional addicts who manage to get better over time) also might not show up in official statistics. I feel like I could very well have gotten addicted to stimulants, but I managed to stop after getting myself into some really bad situations. I think I was also lucky I had no friends or social circle using hard drugs (like you mentioned you had) when I had to stop, and had someone believing in me despite acting shitty. I think it must be hard for alcoholics to stop, as every supermarket here sells it cheaply and there are ads everywhere. Other drugs are easier to avoid.
Hey there,
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with the eating disorder. I have never faced that particular problem myself, but I believe most compulsions and addictions come from roughly the same place inside of us. It's the bottomless pit you can't fill, the endless hunger of the soul, sadness, trauma, insecurity, and above all a desire to feel happy and fulfilled. We just have a harder time feeling happy and content than other people, and we find it harder to initiate and sustain the behaviors and thought patterns that create long-term fulfillment and happiness. As a result, we take the "easy" route to short-term relief at the expense of our long term wellness. You're stronger than you think. Life doesn't have to be this hard. Be honest with yourself, accept yourself, and create an environment where success becomes easier than failure. Get away from the people, places, and things that keep hurting you and letting you let yourself down. I'm here if you need to talk.
As for stimulants, oh yeah I've tried them. MDMA, amphetamines, cocaine, etc. I tried every popular drug and many of the lesser-known drugs. I personally have pretty bad ADHD and take a small dose of extended release Vyvanse under the supervision of my wife and doctor. Doesn't seem to be a problem for me because I actually get the intended benefit from it in proper doses and it doesn't get me high. Make no mistake though, I know the euphoria that comes when you're abusing it and it's a really amazing feeling (until it's not).
If you're curious, I would say that stimulants make you feel like a genius version of superman, while opiates make you feel warm and safe. It starts in your chest and radiates to the rest of your body. Opiates will instantly give you all the love you wished you had but never got.
I make them sound amazing because they are. There is no natural way for your brain or body to feel as good as they do. And that right there is the trap. If science could find a way to actually sustain that feeling, then I would say everyone should take them all the time.
As for the doctor, I've met jaded doctors who have come to hate addicts. They are just totally burnt out from dealing with addicts who don't do anything to get better. They're tired of putting their faith in people just to watch them self-annihilate. I've also met plenty who are empathetic and kind. They believe in each and every patient and support them through the ups and downs. Those are obviously my favorite ones, but not everyone is built that way :)
Thanks.
I'm glad you are able to treat it! Have you ever tried methylphenidate (Ritalin/Concerta/Medikinet) before you started taking Vyvanse? I got a prescription for methylphenidate (also extended release), but it made me feel kinda exhausted and I did not bother to renew the prescription. It helped me to fall asleep and wake up early, though.
Interesting, thanks. Abusing stimulants felt very different to me, I would say more like the warmth and love you described, and it also made me feel relaxed, gullible, and less anxious (but after a few hours, I tended to get anxious and sad). Obviously also depended on the type of stimulant, and dosage.
Not the person you're replying to but someone else with ADHD -- it's very common for methylphenidate to be the first med they prescribe, and it doesn't work well for everybody. Some people just respond better to one type of stimulant or the other. I was started on Medikinet at first and then switched to dextroamphetamine (and later Vyvanse) afterwards as my psychiatrist and I worked to see what was best for me. So I definitely recommend going back to your prescriber and getting a prescription for an amphetamine-based treatment like Adderall or Vyvanse to see if that works better for you.
Thanks for your anecdote, that's pretty interesting. I'm glad you found medication that works for you!
My problem kinda is I got diagnosed with ADHD while I was inpatient at a clinic, but I don't "have" a psychiatrist right now. So I had to go to a psychiatrist I've seen a few years ago and he prescribed it to me after reading the recommendation to try Medikinet the clinic gave me, but I'm not sure whether he has enough time to experiment or to have regular appointments, since he does not take any new patients. But I guess I should try to talk to him sometime and maybe try again with adhd meds or ask about the other options.
Oof yeah that's a tough situation for you. Don't be afraid to push for your former psychiatrist to see you though -- a lot of times, you need to be determined to get seen.
Oh yes you did. Thank you for your thoughts and replies. It made me think.
Thank you for the kind words!
Thanks for the kick in the pants. I started smoking (less destructive than other drugs but still not ideal) recently enough that it's not something I need and it's something I do because I enjoy it. Quitting during the "incubation" will be a lot easier than down the road. I hadn't considered it wouldn't always be how my current relationship with it is.
Uh, yeah!!! Smoking is the one habit I still haven't kicked dude. It's even more insidious because the consequences aren't as immediate so you keep kicking the can down the road.
Quit right now and never look back. Smoking literally provides nothing. It doesn't even get you high. Biggest waste of my time and money.
I guess the one good thing is that I'm vaping my nicotine now, which is probably slightly better than cigarettes?
Nicotine does technically do more than nothing -- it's a mild stimulant iirc -- but it does do shockingly little for how addictive it is. I've heard it's common for people with untreated ADHD to try and use nicotine to keep themselves balanced due to its stimulant effects, and that combo is a recipe for disaster, since people with ADHD tend to struggle with addiction.
Luckily, I personally grew up relatively well-off in exactly the period of time where smoking cigarettes had become socially stigmatized but vaping hadn't gotten big yet, so I never fell into that trap. And while my dad has a history of alcoholism (he's been sober since before I was born as a result), I apparently inherited my mom's distaste for the bitter/astringent taste of alcohol, so I dodged that bullet, too. I have major respect for people who have actually overcome addictions (especially those with physical dependency) because idk if I'd have the willpower to do so if I hadn't been so lucky.
That's a fun link to have as someone on the waitlist for ADHD medication. I'd not heard of that bitter taste before, is it like the cilatro thing or just a flavour note you pick up on more?
I'm just referring to the "alcohol taste" that alcoholic beverages have to varying degrees, "bitter/astringent" was just my attempt at describing it. When I do drink alcohol, I err towards cocktails where you "can't taste the alcohol" or ciders where the sweetness compensates for the alcohol taste. I don't think it's a cilantro thing, since chasers exist for a reason, but it is possible there's a genetic component that makes me and my mom more sensitive to it.
FWIW I quit cigarettes and give you huge props for quitting H. My next step is to continue reducing my drinking... It's a struggle, but I know I can get there. Good vibes!
Yea, vaping is better than combusting, generally. Still has its own potential risks.
My most effective strategy was waning down my vape juices by mixing in nicotine-free menthol until the nicotine was gone. That just left the routines to bust, which are the hardest part. For me, I was only able to kick it for good thanks to the pandemic disrupting my entire routine, and resolving to never smoke/vape around my kids.
Have you ever tried bupropion (Wellbutrin)? I never really got addicted to nicotine, but when I took bupropion (got it prescriped for depression) and tried smoking a cigarette, it was instantly pretty disgusting and not enjoyable despite me usually being able to enjoy nicotine. It is actually prescribed to support smoking cessation.
I should. I'm on low-dose vyvanse for ADHD and I worry about adding more medications to the mix. At this point in my life, I (obviously) try to take as few psychologically active medications as possible.
Bupropion is one of the "starter" anti-anxiety meds bc it's not particularly rough on most people (and I say this even as someone for whom it didn't work well for), so I do recommend talking to your doctor about it. iirc it's anecdotally one that tends to do well for people with ADHD. If it works for you it could be really helpful, and if you're taking it for smoking cessation you can easily stop once you've been on it enough to lose the habit and nicotine dependence.
I'm giving you a big digital bear hug through your screen right now.
Your experiences have given you a powerful and profound wisdom. All good teaching is based off of wisdom, so it makes perfect sense that you ended up in education.
I'm very happy for you. Thanks for sharing your story, Wolf.
I appreciate this, thank you!