Life has gotten a lot more stressful for me lately
I find it difficult to reach out to people, especially so publicly, but this shit is getting out of hand, and I need to let it out.
Tonight I couldn't sleep because I've lost some sensitivity in my left arm. You know how you get the numbness in your arm in the morning when you sleep on it at night? Except I haven't: it just started to go off slowly, fully functional but clearly numb in places. Tonight's different because in addition to my arm, like the last time, several other parts of my body express the same symptom: my right foot and my right shoulder. It's one of the most terrifying things I've experienced in a long time.
I think stress is finally getting to me.
I'm pretty sure it's stress because I'm an otherwise-healthy young male with no history of chronic disease – or susceptability to common ones, even – with a stable diet and lifestyle. I haven't had significant changes in my routines or preferences for a long time, except for the fact that I started walking more. I haven't been outside the city, let alone the country, for almost a year.
The only major thing that's changed is my living situation.
I've been trying to make it as an independent creator – writer, developer, designer, modder – for a year now, maybe two. I've been working on several projects publicly and a lot more privately: mostly writing, some development, my website included. It hasn't been arduous but has been very long without much result to speak of. I haven't been marketing myself a whole lot, and frankly, there isn't much to show aside from a lot of peripheral talk (like the production logs of the website or Mythos).
I live alone in a small studio owned by my parents. They also afford me a small weekly fund of about $27, for just about $110/mo.. Even in Russia, where I live, that isn't a lot of money – you get to buy just about enough food for a month, and that's it – but I get it for existing, so I don't complain. On the surface, it's a stable and excellent arrangement that I should be nothing but grateful for.
Last week, I made an error in telling my parents it might be a good idea to sell the studio and use the funds to move to a bigger city and let myself live off them while I develop my non-career career path (they've made it clear with anything but a written statement this studio is meant to be for me, and the ownership is but a formality to avoid paying more taxes). My mother lashed out at me: how stupid of an idea it was to rent when I have a perfectly-good apartment, and where would I end up when I eventually spend everything down to the last dime... I don't remember the rest of it 'cause I tuned it out, for the sake of my emotional stability at the time.
I haven't told them about what I'm trying to accomplish here: they think I'm looking for a site designer position. I haven't told them a lot of things: about my depression, about my anxiety, about what I like, what I want, what I need... I wouldn't want them to know 'cause I already feel trapped in their influence on my life. They've been helicopter-parenting my whole life, and every time I tried to gain that much autonomy and freedom, I've been met with resistance, and blame, and "what will people think of you", and even fake tears. There's no dialogue to be had, and the energy it takes to make any kind of meaningful progress is the energy I don't have.
So, I've been trying quietly to make it on my own.
I've been using depression-induced mood swings to maintain some degree of order in my life, but recently it's become impossible. My apartment is a mess, and I keep up only what I immediately need; even that takes a lot. I had a brief few days of victory recently when I push through sleeping later and later until I started waking up very early, when I feel most energetic and positive – and even that eventually washed away. It's a good day when I'm able to get one thing done. The rest of them I weather out as best I can, including spending much more on comfort food (and gaining proportional weight) than I should. It also usually involves a lot of gaming and mindless watching of Internet videos, for what seems to me obvious reasons.
I've been through periods like these before, but they've never felt quite so hopeless. I need to make money to get the freedom I need, which I can't do because I barely have the energy, which is because I can barely afford to live through the week with the vices that keep me steady, which I need because I don't have the freedom I need...
I'm not lazy. I can work long days. I have been working long days on projects that promised some degree of "more freedom". Back when I thought Intergrid would be my saving grace, I'd work studiously to make it happen by a set deadline. Earlier still, I'd work for $80/mo. on a website redesign that didn't go through. (It was for a friend, and what may be a quarter of rent for you had been almost double my monthly allowance, and it was perfectly enough 'cause I was enjoying the work.) I don't waste my days on senseless entertainment if I can help it: I have several projects I'm working on when I can, that I enjoy doing and would do for free if I had a financial base otherwise.
So why not find a job?
The jobs I did hold previously – a couple of days each – gave me no hope for finding something locally. I live in a semi-rural region of Russia where modern job opportunities aren't very present. People here work hard physically but not intellectually. (First-world problems, I know, but at this stage I can't afford to waste what little energy I have.) Jobs elsewhere? I don't think I'd cut it. For all my experimentation and trying things out and showing bits and pieces here and there, I don't have a portfolio worth a damn, and the last time I tried making one felt like grinding my teeth on a metal rail. That $80/mo. job I had, I had because I mentioned to a friend that I could take that thing he wanted to do for him, and he said "Yeah, okay, you've been talking a lot about web design so far, handle it for me". I don't think someone who doesn't know me would be that trusting.
So it feels like doing something I enjoy – which doesn't take away what little energy I have – is the only way for me, at least at the moment. Make enough to be able to move out to most places in Russia and not have to worry about food and the roof over my shoulder.
What I'm going to try is stick to a schedule. I prefer to take my time, work out the kinks and iron out the bugs before publishing something. Given the circumstances, however, it may be time to employ some mental tools. I've heard advice before about publishing a story, or a sketch, or an episode of the podcast every month, or ever week, as long as it's on rails. Good story? Bad story? It goes out. I have a few stories I want to tell, but I've been keeping 'em "unlisted" for a long time now, hoping to work it all out beforehand. Maybe rough as they are, I'm better off with them seeing the light of day. Like I said: I'm not lazy. I just need to find a way to make it work.
Go see a doctor, ASAP. Numbness and loss of sensation are symptoms that should never be underestimated.
I believe you fall into the "schedule an office visit" section of this guideline from Mayo clinic given how you've presented it, but I would rather be safe than sorry if some sort of urgent or emergent care is available to you.
My left arm went numb a few years back. Turns out, it was a stroke. For me, it was thankfully minor, but every stroke is brain damage. Go. Now.
Hijacking the top comment for an update:
Been to the doctor. Appears to be nothing immediate or dangerous. Was directed to a specialist, but no rush.
Thanks for all the advice. I'm feeling better now. The arm's gone regular for the evening.
Peripheral neuropathy. I had a brush with that myself, mostly owing to being 356lbs at the time. I'd lose feeling in the smallest two fingers of each hand, running right up the arms and even in some patches around my head. Other times they'd do the tingly-sleepy pins and needles thing - for an entire day while I was up and moving around. Losing the weight and improving my diet turned it around, some of it was due to lack of vitamins. It still happens, but only when I've had a lot of alcohol in a short period (it's been years). Trouble is, PN is a symptom with a fuckton of possible causes, most of them not good, so it's definitely not something to fool around with. Something's out of balance if it gets that far.
I'm not going to make a substantial comment on the first part of your post other than to echo the suggestion to see a doctor as soon as you can.
However, I do have a few ideas for ways to make money given the skills you've highlighted. And while my experience with the kinds of mental health issues you suffer from is pretty limited, I would hope that some financial success could create a positive feedback loop that might help you in other aspects of your life.
I'm a student in the US. To make a little side money, I started writing IT- and programming-related articles for companies. I made a profile on Fiverr with two gigs: writing computer-related articles and editing them. I set up my profile and added my gigs sometime in early December 2019. I did no marketing of any kind after that; when Christmas went by with no sales, I nearly forgot about it.
Then, in late January, a very kind German entrepreneur placed an order for a 1000-word article out of the blue. I don't remember the exact topic, but it was the kind of thing that I had no trouble writing about. After my first buyer was pleased with my work and I received a positive review, orders started flowing in from others as well. I now make an average of about $350 per month without spending large amounts of my day writing articles, which is just about perfect for me.
Here's what made a huge difference: I was providing a service to companies who were willing to pay for it. Every project you linked to in this post is really impressive, but it's not necessarily the type of work that a company would be willing to pay significant money for.
I also know for a fact that my American nationality helped get my business off the ground, but given how well you write in English, I expect that you would be able to compete with writers from other parts of the world very effectively. You also clearly know computers very well, which could allow you to capitalize on the niche of "good writing produced by people who understand technology deeply". That's a niche with ton lot of potential!
A few more suggestions that might be helpful to you:
If you have any more questions about my little business, feel free to reach out! You can use the email in my bio if you would like—or just reply here.
Plenty of other people have affirmed that you should go to the doctor (and I agree!), so I'll talk about the job aspect.
Job searching absolutely sucks, and it's easy to defeat yourself before you even start. You'll convince yourself of the following:
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong!
A job opening, any job opening, represents a need that a company has, and the solution is first and foremost a person. This sounds reductive, but I promise you it's important, because in job searching you will spend most of your time convincing yourself that you are not the right person. For every position that is even remotely close to your skills and interests, remind yourself of the following mantra: "they need someone; I could be that someone".
This doesn't mean that every person is right for every position, but it's a lot easier to put yourself out there as an imperfect fit rather than waiting to become a mythical perfect fit first.
As you might be aware, I'm a teacher, and teaching has a relatively rigid barrier in the form of credentialing -- you are supposed to have the right credential before you get the job. I imagine in tech circles there are similar skill or credential-based barriers. It is trivially easy to look at that, see the barrier, and just walk away. I encourage you to ignore the barrier and apply anyway. You said you don't have a portfolio? Make Intergrid your portfolio! But what if they're expecting more? Then talk more about Intergrid! It's clearly a passion project and I know you could share plenty about it as a way of demonstrating your enthusiasm and skill. But what if that isn't enough? That's a possibility, but also consider: what if it IS enough?
Here's why I say all of this: I was on the interview committee for new teachers for years at my last school, and every year we would look at applicants, and we would have great applicants who did not yet have their credential. The formal barrier of the job made it such that we shouldn't have considered them, and if they had never applied they would never have been considered in the first place. But, because they did anyway, we could work with them. Sometimes we could get a waiver for the requirement; sometimes we could have their credentialing process expedited. The job requirement said they needed X, Y, and Z, but it goes back to what I was saying earlier: what we really needed was a person and we selected based on the right person, not the right credentials.
I can also personally attest to this working from the other side. I started at my current position without the correct credential for it. I applied anyway, and when I was brought in for an interview, I thanked them for considering me even in spite of my incorrect credential. I acknowledged that I wanted to live up to their belief in me and would do what I needed to get everything in order. I shared what I had done so far, what was still in process, and what my plan was in order to move forward.
This was entirely strategic, by the way. I knew I wasn't qualified on paper, so you'd better believe I was going to lead with something that conveyed my initiative, demonstrated some of my soft skills, and positioned me as a grateful ally. Companies hire people. Be the person they want to hire!
I don't know you personally that well, but based on your posts here on Tildes I already know that you're dedicated, focused, and hard-working. You have a passion behind what you do that drives your work. These are all character traits that employers want. In terms of skills, you've clearly got lots of technical ability and knowledge, but you also have the ability to craft and command language really well. @snazz's recommendation of technical writing seems right up your alley. You also have a huge skill that might be invisible to you: you're bilingual! There are a ton of opportunities for people who are good in multiple languages, as you clearly are. Translation might be another focus area for you, especially because I think a lot of positions in that field were already remote-friendly before COVID-19, and I imagine they've only gotten moreso since.
Every job needs a person, and most hiring teams will pick the person first and the credentials and skills second, because credentials are more malleable than character. Nobody wants to work with a jerk, even if the jerk is really good at something! This doesn't mean anyone can get any job (I wouldn't be able to get a programming job, for example, because that's not my field). Instead, it's more that there's a window for any given job that's a bit larger than its requirements on paper. Even if you're not the perfect fit for a given job, ask yourself if you can at least get in the window. If you can, APPLY. Do it even if you think it's a longshot or a crapshoot.
If you get an interview and you know you're underskilled, don't try to hide that -- be upfront about it but demonstrate a willingness to learn and even ask what they recommend you do. At worst you won't get the job but will get some supportive directives from people in the industry, and at best, they'll ask themselves whether they're willing to take on someone a little greener than they'd like, which might make you a legitimate consideration.
I know I've given a lot of advice and directives in this post, and I know that even well-meaning comments like this can be stressful to hear when you're in the position you're in. I'm someone who has struggled with depression before and I've also been through a period of quite difficult unemployment. At the time it was awful to deal with people who seemed to have my life and situation figured out for me, and my comment very much comes across like that for you. If you're reading what I've written here and it sounds like naive optimism or an out-of-touch overreach, that's fine. I totally get it. I've been there too, and it probably is. And that's why, even if nothing else in this comment lands for you right now, I want you to know more than anything that I'm happy you're here, I'm glad you reached out for help, and I wish you peace.
Not only that, but there was a story on HackerNews a couple of years ago that claimed many companies craft their job requirements such that only the person who just left the job is qualified to fill it. So I concur - ignore the requirements and apply for jobs you think would be a reasonable fit. Just make sure you can explain why you think you'd be a good fit.
There's so much excellent advice here. @ThatFanficGuy incidentally with all the advice to pick up technical writing: I need a technical writer for my consulting website; so if you're looking for work, shoot me a DM.
I also recommend either a link to a github profile of yours, or a page describing an overview of both your common and more unique skills. Right now I can see that you do quality work, but I have no idea what you use to do it!
It wasn't for me. I appreciate your guidance and positive outlook. Frankly, it's contageous, and I enjoy that.
Problem is, I have no idea what my expertise is by traditional metrics. I've always carved my own path rather than employ the tools others employ by default. My expertise is, therefore, different what you would expect from someone in "my field", whatever that might be.
With that in mind, I get a feeling that it would either be
and with that, comes a natural divide: niche skills are often well-hidden. Now, how would you find a job that you don't even know exists?
I'm no Lochness monster, but I do have a distinct approach which some employers may dislike. I'm not looking to work for someone who would constantly question my ways, 'cause I'm pretty sure I have the core argument right, it's the approach and the application that deserve constant evaluation.
I guess my worry is committing to something I would dread doing, especially in fields I enjoy working in, because of the dissonance between my values and those of the employer.
How would you filter your job targeting? How do you go about choosing where to work? What do you look for that tells you "This is a nice place to work"?
List out everything you can do and like doing, as well as hard and soft skills. Also include in this projects you've worked on or completed. Basically you want a full spread of everything on your own plate.
Job searching almost always pushes people into a deficits-minded approach regarding themselves. All you see is flaws, what's missing, what's not enough, etc. Directly counteract this by identifying everything about your situation in the best possible light. You skills aren't the expected set? That means that you have a unique skillset. You're lacking in experience? That just means you're eager to learn and excited for the chance to gain some experience. You're into something non-traditional? That means you like interesting challenges and working outside of the box.
Try to make literally everything about yourself into a positive. It will feel intellectually dishonest and even a little saccharine, but what you're doing is learning to assert yourself in a positive manner from wherever you're at. This is huge! I've been on the other side of the table during interviews where I can see people's doubts and discouragement getting to them. The interview is practically over before it starts because they just continue to deflate, question after question. You have to be able to be the one to inflate yourself, and keep yourself inflated.
You know who you are, where your strengths are, and what you're interested in doing. Now, the hunt begins. However you organize (e.g. bookmarks, paper, etc.), create three buckets: 1, 2, 3.
1 is for job listings that "click" for you. You see the listing and feel a magnetism or a pull -- a sort of "yeah, I could do that!" Most importantly, DON'T opt yourself out of things that "click". It doesn't matter what the requirements are -- log these in the 1 bucket. You likely won't find many of these, and that's okay.
2 is for jobs that you could do. They don't necessarily click, but income is income and these could fit the bill.
3 is for jobs that you would flat out hate doing. You don't need to log every job that doesn't fit you (there will be tons of them), but this is for jobs that seem like they're in line with what you could/want to do, but for whatever reason you've decided against them.
(I unfortunately don't have good recommendations places to look for job listings since schools in the US largely use their own fully separate service and that's what I'm most familiar with, but I know we have a lot of techy people on Tildes so I'm hoping they can help you out and point you in the right directions!)
Once you've gone through a lot of listings, take some time to sort of analyze the data set you've generated for yourself. What do the ones that "clicked" have in common? What have you learned you won't do? Etc.
Also important: identify the skillset that jobs are asking for and evaluate them against your self inventory. Think about how you can fit those two puzzle pieces together: what they want, and who you are.
This synthesis is important not just for your own personal knowledge and awareness, but also because it'll help you with the application process. You'll get a feel for what kinds of words to use in your applications and resumes. You'll have an understanding of the "lay of the land" that you wouldn't otherwise have had you not digested hundreds of different job listings.
Apply for your 1s and 2s, not your 3s.
This is a whole process in and of itself outside of the scope of this comment, and it's different depending on the field, but here are some quick pointers what I can tell you as someone who's been on the other side of the table for a lot of job applications and interviews:
Your cover letter, after having the required intro and sign off, should come across mostly as a personal success story. A lot of people just regurgitate their resume, but we already have that info. Resumes are impersonal though, so consider your cover letter your quick chance to humanize your information. Your cover letter should show you as the kind of person deserving of an interview. Tell a story, show some passion, and demonstrate success for you. A quick paragraph on Intergrid would be a great cover letter story for you, for example. Talk about what it is, why you made it, and how you achieved your goal. Sell it and yourself at the same time!
Make sure any and all documentation is spellchecked and perfect. It shows attention to detail. I was more lenient on typos than most, but almost everyone else on my committee would sometimes want to discard whole applicants based on a few misspellings or uneven font sizes or little things like that. I think this is needlessly nitpicky, but a lot of people will use little things like this to filter candidates out of the pool. You want your stuff to be spotless!
Fit your resume to the application. Like the "puzzle pieces" I talked about earlier, each job application is about fitting you with the job. Feel free to tweak wordings and modify your application to better fit what they're looking for. This doesn't mean outright LYING, mind you, but it's all about putting yourself forth in the best light. If a position seems very team-based, then you want to sell yourself as a good team-player. If a position seems very data-focused, then you want to convey that you're good with numbers and analysis.
Templates will save you time and effort. Most people just make one and then copy in the relevant information, but I think having a few different ones is beneficial. Have a few different cover letters that highlight different skills, a few different resumes with differently-worded bullet points. That way you can just pick the ones that are closest to whatever target job you're applying for. If you try to custom-create applications each and every time you apply, you'll burn out quick, but having only one can be a bit of a misfire if it's a bad fit for many of the jobs you're applying for.
Sort of going back to point 2, but when using templates PLEASE double check that everything is correct before submitting. We got a LOT of applications where people forgot to swap out their boilerplate info when they submitted, so it would read something like "Dear [insert school name here]," or "Thank you, [name of contact person]", which is a clear indicator that they didn't even proofread their template before submitting. Even worse was when it had information from another application in it. "Dear Washington High School," when we were, say, Lincoln High School, for example.
Job searching sucks. You'll get rejections. You'll get calls and then no followups. You'll get your hopes up and they'll get dashed. Keep applying anyway.
Think of your potential job as a fire that you have to get started, and applications as you striking a flint. You have to get the sparks to hit, the kindling to light, and only then, if the conditions are right, will the flame start to blaze. It might take a while, but you have to remember that the fire will never light if you stop striking that flint. Plus, you can never really quite know when the flame will suddenly will catch until it does.
No matter what, keep striking it. Keep hitting that flint. That's the only way to ensure the outcome you want. If it helps, come up with a minimum for yourself to keep it going (e.g. X applications per day/week).
Eventually, you'll get through all the hoops and you'll get an offer. If it's one of your bucket 1 jobs, congrats! You've gotten what you wanted!
However, because the number of jobs in your 2 bucket will almost certainly be larger than the number in your 1 bucket, it's likely the job offer you get will be suboptimal.
This is where your individual situation comes in, because this is all about opportunity cost. An offer on the table means income and experience, no matter what. But, taking that offer also means you might be missing something better for you that's still in the pipeline.
There is no good answer to this, and it's an incredibly difficult situation. Do I go with the one I have, or do I hold out for something better?
If you're in a situation where any income and experience is beneficial, then it's likely the right choice to take the job. Taking a job does not mean that you have to stay there forever, and any job will help you gain experience, skills, and knowledge. Even if the job ends up being terrible, you'll gain valuable first-hand understandings about why it sucks and what to prioritize and watch out for next time.
On the other hand, if you don't have an immediate need, you might choose to pass on an offer and wait for something else. You struck the flint, the kindling lit, but you're not ready to give the wood the oxygen it needs just yet. That's fine. Just go back to striking. Maybe next time the conditions will be right for it to light.
I know this is a ton of information, and it only kind of answers the question you asked, but I genuinely think the answer to your question about what jobs to look for will be answered by diving into job listings, looking through lots of them, and then synthesizing the results. You'll be exposed to stuff you didn't even know was an option, and you'll get a feel for a lot of the stuff you know you don't want, which will make it easier to filter out the ones that might be good for you.
Again, thank you for the detailed look. It's a simple process at its core, but things famously get complicated for a lot of reasons, fear and pain of rejection being not the least of them. You putting names to things and giving me tools to classify results is very helpful indeed.
It also makes job-hunting surprisingly... palatable? Even okay, in a way I've never considered before. That alone is helpful enough. I've gotten used to the idea lately that a relationship is without promise: you find out if it works out over time. Applying the same idea to finding a position somewhere makes it a lot easier to take up.
Thank you.
I'm with @Gaywallet, go get checked out immediately.
My dad died a month ago. He wasn't young but he was otherwise perfectly healthy, no history of chronic or hereditary diseases, had a stable and good diet and lifestyle. He died suddenly over the span of a weekend, all thanks to an infection nobody realized he had. By the time he was showing severe symptoms, it was already far too late.
Do not assume that symptoms like that are just from stress. Get checked out ASAP.
That hits way too close to home than I'd like. My father has a huge god complex that had suppressed much of my decision making for most of my life. It's getting better now, since I've finally understood that I'm worth something and that he's not a be-all end-all lord-commander whose every order has to be respected, and that I basically have nothing to fear if I disobey.
And much like you, I am also about to move out from my parents to the small flat that my parents had gotten me (I don't own it yet, but they plan to transfer ownership for half of the flat to me some time later). It felt very wrong accepting that, but I figured it'd be very stupid of me not to, and that I am free to move out to anywhere I want if the my relationship with them died. Thankfully, I already have a steady and sorta well-paying job that I like (and before that I worked with my parents, which is as horrible as you might imagine yourself), so financially I'm independent
I agree with everybody else that you should go see a doctor, those are not good symptoms. Regarding the portfolio: don't try to convince yourself that you're underqualified, let the employer be the judge of that. Your resume may not fit the job description, but you might still be the right person for the job. I got my current job without knowing half the things that I kinda needed to know, the employer just said "ah, you'll figure it out" and so I did. Try to get a couple of job interviews and see what it's like, you've got nothing to lose and you have much to gain (though it can be nerve wrecking, sure)