21 votes

Thoughts on moving out

So recently I've been kind of hating big parts of where I am in life, most of all where I live. I am still living with my family, and while they are all good people, our place isn't the biggest so there isn't too much privacy most of the day. So over the years I have basically started to quietly resent everyone in this house, which got exacerbated over the quarantine (and even much more when we were all stuck at home for 14 days when we got the corona and were in isolation).

I've been thinking that basically the only way to make sure I don't go fully insane is to finally move out. Also, I don't really want to admit it to myself, but I am not very independent, and I feel like I really need to change that. This year I will be finishing my Bachelor's degree, so that seems like the perfect time I would like to aim for. The problem is that after I am done with the degree I want to continue by doing a Masters in the same place. The obvious easy solution is to just rent some place with roommates I'd have to find, which is probably what I'll try to do.

But I have also been engaging in a lot of fantasizing - escapist thoughts involving doing my Masters in a different country. I was already thinking about this a bit before starting my Bachelor's degree, but I ultimately decided not to, which might have been a good call as I was definitely even more of a baby back then. But now, as I have another opportunity I have again been thinking about this a lot.

I am from the EU, so I could study in any other EU country for free. Mostly I've been thinking about Finland, or other Scandinavian countries (maybe kind of cliche?). It would definitely be really hard though, and I am not sure am I strong enough to do this. As I said I am kind of a not very independent wuss, so I am kind of scared if I could survive by myself in a different country with basically no one I could fall back on. Finding a place to live would also probably be quite hard and I would very likely need to find a part time job there, because even though I spent almost 2 years saving up money at a part time job, the countries I am looking at are more expensive than mine so my savings wouldn't most likely be enough. Hopefully there would be some student dormitories available that would be quite cheap? I don't really care too much about how prestigious my university is, but it could also be nice that I could choose a better rated one somewhere.

I hope I wouldn't lose my current best friends. I probably have some very overblown expectations about this though. I always dream how I would meet some new cool friends, maybe even find a relationship. I am quite an anxious person, especially socially anxious which I'd also hope I would have to overcome a bit. But I probably wouldn't magically become more extroverted, and less anxious. I might even just be unable to make any friends there, but I'd hope that I would be kind of forced to make some and get out of my shell so to speak. Suddenly having to do everything by myself, while having a job, in a foreign country might be too much though.

Also another random thing that I would like about this is I would kind of like to change my name at the same time and I am fantasizing that it would work out nicely. I don't dislike my name too much, but I feel like I would like a different one much more, and that it would kind of help me become myself more or something? I don't really want to change my name legally, I am more thinking that I would just start telling people that my name is <name I like more>, so it would kind of be more like a nickname. Yeah, writing that out I should probably try telling some friends to just start calling me by the name, even though I feel like they would just be like why and cringe a bit.

I know I am probably fantasizing about studying abroad too much, and that it wouldn't be that great, studying abroad most likely wouldn't help me find a relationship or anything, but I'd think it would definitely force me to become more independent. I feel like I am once again coming up on quite a big decision in my life and I am still not really sure how to proceed. Did anyone here study abroad, for the whole degree, or even as an exchange student - Erasmus or similar stuff? Any other thoughts would be appreciated too. Thank you for reading, I hope my writing isn't too much of a messy stream of thoughts.

Edit: Thanks to everyone for your responses, you are all so nice, uplifting and motivating <3. I will definitely be seriously researching much more about studying abroad, and while I can't guarantee I'll go forward with this plan, I'll try working towards it for now. I still have almost 2 months to decide, and if I decide to go ahead with it, it would still be at least a year away. But I promise to you guys, that I will at least move out of my parents house for my sanity, one way or another.

9 comments

  1. vord
    Link
    My biggest regret was not travelling more and exploring the world before settling down in my early thirties. The time to take risks is now. Worst case, you end up back with your family. Being out...

    I know I am probably fantasizing about studying abroad too much, and that it wouldn't be that great, studying abroad most likely wouldn't help me find a relationship or anything, but I'd think it would definitely force me to become more independent.

    My biggest regret was not travelling more and exploring the world before settling down in my early thirties.

    The time to take risks is now. Worst case, you end up back with your family.

    Being out of your comfort zone is the best way to grow as a person, and there's no better way to do that than being out of place in a new area.

    That said, trying to overcome the anxiety a bit before jumping in headfirst might be prudent.

    Once a day, force yourself to do one thing you're anxious about. Confidence comes with success, and success only comes with practice. Wish I learned that 30 years ago.

    14 votes
  2. teaearlgraycold
    Link
    The amount of risk you can take is dependent upon what resources you have available to you. Those resources can come in the form of a social network, or more easily, money. You seem like a...

    The amount of risk you can take is dependent upon what resources you have available to you. Those resources can come in the form of a social network, or more easily, money. You seem like a rational enough person that these aren't completely impractical daydreams. You already seem to have a very straightforward to-do list here - and you're lucky in that. My recommendation is simple: take things one step at a time and build confidence in choosing your own path. That doesn't mean you can't do this all at once. But if that's too much then slow change is an excellent way forward.

    I've had a to-do list like yours in my head for years. Things slowly get checked off as I feel comfortable reshaping my identity. Some things sit idle on this list for years. As long as I get one or two per year I'm happy with my progress. And if that ever feels too slow I remind myself of how many people never change. There are people that are nearly the same as they were as a child when they die.

    7 votes
  3. [2]
    AnthonyB
    Link
    Do it. Your home is not going away, your family will always be your family, and the really good friends will stay in touch while you make new ones. I have lived in just about every corner of my...

    Do it.

    Your home is not going away, your family will always be your family, and the really good friends will stay in touch while you make new ones. I have lived in just about every corner of my home country (the US) and lived abroad for a few years and it is the best thing I have ever done for myself. The only time I regretted moving was when I was left a really good situation. If you aren't satisfied with your life, moving will either help you find joy out of a new and exciting experience, or it will force you to confront some of the personal issues holding you back from happiness. So many people talk about how they want to travel and experience different cultures but they don't because saving money for long, exciting vacations is fucking hard. Being a broke 20-something, however, is very easy and you can do it just about anywhere. It gives you the chance to meet different people and experience a new environment. Even if you spend a bunch of time at home on the computer, your day-to-day experiences will still be fun and meaningful when you look back later in life.

    7 votes
    1. Basil
      Link Parent
      Thank you so much for your response and thank you for the encouragement. I am kind of unhappy with my life - with how stuck (?) I am. Shaking things up while I am a young, as you aptly said broke...

      Thank you so much for your response and thank you for the encouragement. I am kind of unhappy with my life - with how stuck (?) I am. Shaking things up while I am a young, as you aptly said broke 20-something, and not really tied down might be just what I need.

      This also really motivated me, because it sounds very much like what I would very likely actually do haha.

      Even if you spend a bunch of time at home on the computer, your day-to-day experiences will still be fun and meaningful when you look back later in life.

      1 vote
  4. [2]
    Muffin
    Link
    I'll also chime in to encourage you to do it. In ten years, what choice do you think you would remember more fondly? If you do decide to head to Finland, I'm happy to answer any and all of your...

    I'll also chime in to encourage you to do it. In ten years, what choice do you think you would remember more fondly?

    If you do decide to head to Finland, I'm happy to answer any and all of your questions to the best of my knowledge! Born and raised Finn here.

    7 votes
    1. Basil
      Link Parent
      Yeah I think that's a good way to look at it. Thank you, I might take you up on your offer in the future!

      Yeah I think that's a good way to look at it. Thank you, I might take you up on your offer in the future!

      1 vote
  5. [2]
    chrysanth
    (edited )
    Link
    Can't say I have any answers for you, but I definitely find your anxiety about it all very relatable. Not sure if you're living with your family out of convenience or the pandemic, but I was...

    Can't say I have any answers for you, but I definitely find your anxiety about it all very relatable. Not sure if you're living with your family out of convenience or the pandemic, but I was forced back home because of the latter and old patterns have started to come up again that are affecting my mental health in some big ways. So I totally get wanting to move out. Also very supportive if you want to try having people call you something else. It was something I considered when moving from high school to college, since I had a rough time in high school and was sort of dreaming of reinventing myself (perhaps a bit like you're thinking, actually). The moving to another country bit I don't have much to add on to. I've studied abroad before but it was always in the context of a group of students from my university. I had a bad experience one of those times because I was stuck with them and they were total assholes. That's just my one-off experience, so not indicative of what you might find if you study abroad, especially for a whole degree and not just a summer program. It could be a good chance to find out some stuff about yourself, take some risks, and meet some new people. Have you tried talking with any of your friends or family about it? Not sure how close you are with them or if they'd be supportive of you.

    6 votes
    1. Basil
      Link Parent
      Thank you for your response! I was already living with my family out of convenience, all the food and basically everything is free for me, my parents don't even want me to pay them any rent, even...

      Thank you for your response!

      Not sure if you're living with your family out of convenience or the pandemic, but I was forced back home because of the latter and old patterns have started to come up again that are affecting my mental health in some big ways. So I totally get wanting to move out.

      I was already living with my family out of convenience, all the food and basically everything is free for me, my parents don't even want me to pay them any rent, even though I have offered. Having this made it very hard for me to move out, as I would be giving up this much money on rent and food and stuff and also some convenience.

      Also very supportive if you want to try having people call you something else. It was something I considered when moving from high school to college, since I had a rough time in high school and was sort of dreaming of reinventing myself (perhaps a bit like you're thinking, actually).

      I've been thinking about how much I have changed since the time I was finishing high school. Marking the quite different "now" me from the "past" me would be pretty nice. But mostly I just feel like I'd like a different name more. As I said, I don't hate my name, well I quite dislike the official version of my name, but the version by which everyone calls me for my whole life I am ok with. If changing names was effortless I would have definitely have done it by now. I wonder how many people would. This is kind of weird but I already have a (admittedly less close) friend group where basically no one knows my real name and calls me by a random name I picked when I first met them. Also, I wonder how common this is, but so often I see a character in fiction/non-fiction media with a uncommon name I like and think to myself how cool the name is, and wish I had a bit of a more uncommon name. There are so many cool names, yet everyone keeps picking the same ones for their kids!

      Have you tried talking with any of your friends or family about it? Not sure how close you are with them or if they'd be supportive of you.

      I didn't talk about this with my family at all, because I am not very close to them now. I'd really like to change that, but only when I get independent from them. I talked about moving out a lot with my friends already, not really about studying abroad though. I also talked to them about not liking my name and randomly mentioned names I liked and stuff like that for a long time too, so it probably wouldn't be that much of a surprise to them, but I never talked about actually changing it. I even mentioned not liking my name to my Mom a few times a long time ago, and I am pretty sure she told me that I can change it haha.

      2 votes
  6. Don_Camillo
    Link
    most universities have some help and organizations for foreign students. so you wont be all on your own in a new place. check in with your local students-union or whatever it's called and do the...

    most universities have some help and organizations for foreign students. so you wont be all on your own in a new place. check in with your local students-union or whatever it's called and do the same with places you are thinking about going to. often they can help you with a lot of stuff (getting a place, regulatory stuff, finding friends) and the whole thing will feel a lot less overwhelming fast. good luck my friend.

    edit: something I learned on my first travels, ask as many people for help/advice as you can until you find what you're looking for or find what you actually needed. if your friendly and polite nearly everybody will be happy to help you, and even if its just directions to somebody who might know

    5 votes