My head was all over the place, I played really badly, I lost the run I was playing much quicker than expected, and decided to end stream early because of it... but despite all that, I'm weirdly happy about the whole thing anyway.

One of my big goals for 2024 is to stream a lot more often. For context, I've been off work on medical leave for a good long while now, and I find streaming to be (very fun but also) draining in a similar way to how work was draining - like in how "on" you have to be, and how much multitasking you have to do, that sort of thing. And so the main reason I streamed so rarely last year is that I rarely felt "on" enough to be at 100% for all that, and I worried that I wouldn't be doing a good enough job.

Today was the 1 year anniversary of when I first started playing the game I'm obsessed with these days, so I really wanted to do a special "anniversary" stream today, which for obvious reasons couldn't really be rescheduled. My brain did feel kind of fuzzy going in, and if it were any other day, I definitely wouldn't have decided to stream at all... but I'd been hyping up this idea to myself for a while, and knew I'd regret it if I bailed at the last minute, so I pushed myself to go live anyway.

And yeah, like I started this off by saying, the stream definitely wasn't perfect. I didn't play super well, made a bunch of boneheaded decisions, caught myself mentally drifting off every so often and not either playing the game or talking to chat or just being an engaging streamer at all. I lost a run that I for sure could have gotten further with if I played a bit smarter.

BUT!

I did it. I did the thing, and I still had fun, and my friends who tuned in as viewers seemed to have fun too. At the end of the day, that should really be all that matters.

I could very easily take today as a bad omen for the year to come... as in like, I'm gonna be mushy brained and keep doing embarrassing mediocre streams, because that's clearly all I'm capable of, blah blah blah. Past-me definitely would have latched onto that train of thought, hard. But right now, mostly what I'm feeling is just... proud. Proud of myself for not letting perfect be the enemy of good today for once, for actually putting myself out there, for not putting so much stock in "I have to be good at the games I play" as like part of my identity or anything (which I used to have a ton of bugaboos about, as a woman who used to play in a lot of sexist male-dominated spaces... it was kind of like, I have to be great at this game, or I'm just encouraging their sexism so much more and letting all other women down because of it, therefore I can't ever afford to be bad at games and especially not when someone else might see). I can finally feel myself starting to let go of a lot of those old toxic ideas, and while I know I still have a ways left to go with it, it already feels incredibly liberating.

Throughout my struggles with chronic illness these past few years, I've been trying my best for some time now to accept myself for where I'm at, instead of berating myself for not yet getting back to where I want to be. Moments like these are really nice reminders that that isn't nearly as hard as it used to be. :)

So, yeah. Thanks for reading. Here's hoping this story resonates with at least a few of you -- and here's to (hopefully) many more mediocre non-ideal streams to come this year, and maybe a few half-decent ones too if I'm lucky 😅

I was inspired by this comment by @rogue_cricket in another discussion on spirituality. I was going to simply reply, but I think it could be a fun, new topic for recommendations and it didn't seem to fit the overall conversation over there. Since I'm brand new, let me know if I'm doing this wrong and if I should just reply instead.

So what are everyone's symbols or rituals? Whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Athiest, Agnostic, Muslim, etc., what are some things that make you feel more connected?

Here's my contribution:

A little context: I call myself agnostic. I believe there might be something bigger out there, but that it doesn't make much sense to put a face to it or try to figure out what it wants from us. Since I don't prescribe to any particular religion, I have come up with my own ways to feel the serenity of connecting with whatever it is (The Universe, God, Nature, etc.):

Tibetan Singing Bowls:

My friend bought a big, expensive, crystal bowl that I used several times while meditating. The vibrations are supposed to resonate with and activate the chakras in your body. I found a smaller, more affordable set on Amazon. While they don't have the same gut-vibrating power as the large, crystal bowl, they still help my meditation sessions immensely by giving me something to focus on.

Character Asset Stones:

As a member of a 12-Step program, we are supposed to constantly work on weakening our character defects by strengthening our character assets, but I always seem to have trouble remembering them in the moment. My sponsor suggested painting words such as "kindness," "generosity," "honesty," and "forgiveness" on small river stones. I will randomly pick one out of a fish bowl before I leave the house every day, and carry it in my pocket, reminding me all day to work on that one particular character asset. I feel that little spark of connection and a sense of satisfaction every time I get to practice my asset for the day.

Sitting Quiety and Observing:

This one is very hard for me, as my brain always defaults to wanting to scroll something or do something. I've found that it works best if I have something interesting to focus on. I'm fortunate enough to live near the beach, so sometimes I will just go watch the waves for a while. Sometimes I people watch on the patio of Starbucks. It's important for me to leave my phone elsewhere, or I'll want to pull it out and check texts-emails-reddit-grindr-blah-blah-blah. But sitting quietly and just being for a little while, enjoying the sights and sounds, "stopping to smell the roses," makes me feel connected to the Universe.

I'm looking forward to some more ideas...

I'm not a dream person. I haven't seen one, nor do I care when someone tells me their nonsensical dreams. But I was always open to the prospect of experiencing one myself.

(And yeah, IknowIactuallyseethem andIjustcantremember and blah blah blah. Shut up already! I don't know why so many people feel entitled to tell you that, but it happens every time I mention I don't see dreams. I don't care: don't remember — didn't happen.)

The closest things to dreams I experienced are a couple of times as a kid. They seem like dreams, and I remember them vividly, but I don't trust my memories from so long ago. Plus, kids are stupid, I may've just been imagining things in bed or something.

I also have dream-like experiences sometimes. If I wake up from my alarm but don't get up and sleep again, then I may feel like I had a dream after I wake up. I'm pretty sure those aren't actual dreams because 1. I have a habit of fantasizing about being a hero in a fantasy world, or having a perfect job, or having a GF, while lying in bed. I don't feel like it was a dream when I wake up normally; but I figure when I sleep again for another hour, my mind still thinks up fantasies, which are amplified by drowsiness. So I remember them more strongly, especially since it's only an hour or so. And as far as I know, dreams only happen in REM sleep, which takes a couple of hours to get to. 2. I had similar experiences while driving in the back and on boring lectures. Except these times I was concious for the entire duration, so I knew I was just fantasizing, but it still felt more real because I was sleepy and bored, and it was very similar to what I remeber after that bad sleep habit.

So I'm pretty sure I don't have dreams, but I'm excited to see one, and I'm happy to talk about them. In general, of course. Nobody gives a damn what you saw in your dream, but I'm interested to know how you saw it, what helped you see it, what you felt.

Of course I'd like to hear about lucid dreaming, it's something I wanged to experience for a long time. But also about more general dreams, or if you also don't have any, or especially if you started to see them later in life.

So, what are your dreams like?

tu sais qui c'est

alright so the fuck is up with you people!? did y'all see my last post up here got like eighteen votes?

that's crazy! that's one of the best-received things i've posted on tildes, just, overall lmao.

glad to see my sober stuff can be decent competition to my drunk stuff.

on that, i pretty much don't drink on my own anymore (i mean some wine with dinner blah blah) but like drink ya feel?

if i'm at a kickback i'm always down to get fucked up, but coming out of this sober week i kinda restructured how i'm using stuff now.

like i used to try using kratom to get high p often and discovered that that's a shite idea. i just got all wirey and had stomach aches lol.

however just a little bit (~0.75g) in some tea is small enough to avoid any side effects and big enough to work as a solid mood regulator.

much to my discontent this just isn't the kinda thing you take recreationally (the whole reason i picked it up to begin with), but it does definitely boost your mood up like 30x, boost your self confidence, and even help you get some good sleep (if you're sipping red vein varieties.)

i was feeling like a lazy piece of shit (y'know as usual), sipped my tea, and ended up knee-deep in this udemy course for electron apps (building desktop apps like skype or something), made a solid breakfast, wrote this here ditty, and played like 3 hours of risk of rain. (gotta be lazy somewhere i guess.)

anyway this isn't a blog.

i had a weird concept for this piece and i'm not sure if it came through at all lmao. this was done in maybe 30 minutes.

let me know if you can guess what the piece is describing.

cheers,

bishop.

drip
drip

there's water on the
floor, so don't

slip
slip

shake your head,
try to catch a

grip
grip

drowning in your
dreams, your legs

kick
kick

bags under your
eyes, you're looking

sick
sick

.

try to move your
hand but you cant

feel
it

she wants to cuddle
up in your bed

but
it's

made of steel and
you can't seem to

budge
it

staring up in-
to a funnel

what's
this?

---

oh the autumn sounds
raining patters on the ground
i wake up with a jolt
on every time you come around

and you never text to
let me know before the fact
i'm second guessing every minute
tryna find out when you're at

now we're laying back,
looking straight into your eyes
wonder if the next thing you say
will be a goodbye

your silence is a lie
your crying leaves me mortified
let me go, let me go,
fuck, got water in my eyes.

---

drip
drip

drip drip

drip

drip

d..
.

.

drip
drip

drip
drip

there's water on the
floor, so don't

slip
slip

shake your head,
try to catch a

grip
grip

drowning in your
dreams, your legs

kick
kick

bags under your
eyes, you're looking

sick
sick

.

try to move your
hand but you cant

feel
it

she wants to cuddle
up in your bed

but
it's

made of steel and
you can't seem to

budge
it

staring up in-
to a funnel

what's
this?

(p.s. fuck yeah canada.)

Needing a down weekend, the spouse and I settled in to watch TV, and discovered that Starz' series, Counterpart - spoiler warning, is one of the better series we've seen in quite a while, let alone among science fiction stories. Though The Expanse wins for sheer SFX pyrotechnics and breadth of technical scope, it's wonderful to sit in for a deep, thoughtful drama like Counterpart. The series focuses on character, story, world-building, plausible plotting, and avoidance of the usual alternate universe cliches. Counterpart is a genuine Cold War Noir spy thriller which happens to occur in a science-fictional setting, and the writers have managed to avoid or refresh the tropes of both genres in ways that ask interesting philosophical questions. It's quiet, slow, and meticulous in a way that most current television writing seems to have abandoned. There's tense action, but no primary colored-supersuits, no scary aliens, no gaudy laser beams, just... a split of history that leaves two distorted mirrors, reflecting each other.

J.K. Simmons' performances in the roles of Howard (Prime) and Howard (Alpha) are mesmerizing in a way that outmatches Tatiana Mazlany's Orphan Black characters. There's a slow unveiling of the respective parallel worlds' history, with continuing evolution and interplay of characters and relationships, which brings to mind the best of series like The Wire or The Americans.

To the extent that Counterpart borrows from literary canon, the most significant underlying influences are John LeCarre's find-the-mole games in the Smiley series, China Mieville's The City and the City, and Philip K. Dick (particularly, The Adjustment Team).

The really guilty pleasure, and the lightweight pressure relief from the grimdark of Peaky Blinders or Counterpart, was a spit-and-giggles Canadian production called Letterkenny. I didn't have high hopes, but the 22-minute episodes are exactly what my brain needed to get over the daily doses of blah.

The opening credits of each episode refer to the fictional rural Ontario town of Letterkenny as follows:

There are 5,000 people in Letterkenny. These are their problems.

The plots are barely coat-hangers, with most of the comic tension spent on interactions among the Hicks (farm people), Skids (creative-but-disaffected Internet subculture wannabes), hockey players and Christians - a/k/a small-town tribes recognizable anywhere in North America. The portrayals are caricaturized enough to be both humorously offensive and humorously sympathetic simultaneously. [Could be some toxic racial/gender meta, but mostly, the treatment of women and minorities is in keeping with the setting.]

The banter, and the utter Spock-like deadpan of Wayne (the toughest guy in Letterkenny)'s Hick character are the stars of the show. Some people have complained that the rapid-fire use of heavy dialect in the dialogue is impenetrable; that actually helps with comic timing. When your brain catches up to what was actually said, it's like receiving a two-by-four between the eyes of funny. I've got a bit of home-team advantage in the midwestern North American dialects area, and usually get it on the first run, but it's good enough to re-watch happily if the spouse needs a do-over. Transcripts are available, but watch the show before looking.

We now have a new battery of in-jokes and gag lines to add to our secret spousal language - "Hard no.", "That's what I appreciates about ya", "...and he was never the same after that."

There's really nothing quite like Letterkenny, and it's exactly smart/dumb enough to make fantastic comedy. Two seven-episode seasons are currently available on Hulu.

[Verse 1]
Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date
But a year to make love she wanted you to wait
Let me tell ya a story of my situation
I was talkin' to this girl from the U.S. nation
The way that I met her was on tour at a concert
She had long hair and a short miniskirt
I just got onstage drippin', pourin' with sweat
I was walkin' through the crowd and guess who I met
I whispered in her ear, "Come to the picture booth
So I can ask you some questions to see if you are a hundred proof"
I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah
She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra
I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused
I said, "How do you like the show?" She said, "I was very amused"
I started throwin' bass, she started throwin' back mid-range
But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange
Then when I asked, "Do ya have a man," she tried to pretend
She said, "No I don't, I only have a friend"
Come on
I'm not even goin' for it, this is what I'm goin' sing

[Chorus]
You, you got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend

[Verse 2]
So I took blah-blah's word for it at this time
I thought just havin' a friend couldn't be no crime
'Cause I have friends and that's a fact
Like Agnes, Agatha, Germaine, and Jack
Forget about that, let's go into the story
About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me
So we started talkin', getttin' familiar
Spendin' a lot of time so we can build up
A relationship or some understanding
How it's gonna be in the future we was plannin'
Everything sounded so dandy and sweet
I had no idea I was in for a treat
After this was established, everything was cool
The tour was over and she went back to school
I called every day to see how she was doin'
Every time that I called her it seemed somethin' was brewing'
I called her room, a guy picked up, but then I called again
I say, "Yo, who was that?" "Oh, he's just a friend"
Don't gimme that, don't ever gimme that
Jus' bust this

[Chorus]
You, you got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You got what I need
But you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend

[Verse 3]
So I came to her college on a surprise visit
To see my girl that was so exquisite
It was a school day, I knew she was there
The first semester of the school year
I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm
This guy made me fill out a visitor's form
He told me where it was and I was on my way
To see my baby doll, I was happy to say
I arrived in front of the dormitory
"Yo, could you tell me where is door three?"
They showed me where it was for the moment
I didn't know I was in for such an event
So I came to her room and opened the door
Oh, snap! Guess what I saw?
A fella tongue-kissin' my girl in her mouth
I was so in shock my heart went down south
So please listen to the message that I send
Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend

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