I don't think we're going to be qualified to provide help here; such feelings are nothing to feel ashamed of - acknowledging them is a vital step. Please take my advice: talk to your healthcare...
I don't think we're going to be qualified to provide help here; such feelings are nothing to feel ashamed of - acknowledging them is a vital step.
Please take my advice: talk to your healthcare provider, in whatever form that takes.
The very first thing I did was take a health professional's help months ago and I was diagnosed with depression that time and now my access to professional has been cut off hence I am trying to...
Please take my advice: talk to your healthcare provider, in whatever form that takes.
The very first thing I did was take a health professional's help months ago and I was diagnosed with depression that time and now my access to professional has been cut off hence I am trying to gain insights so as to have a strong ground to seek good and better help again.
What you're describing could be bipolar but those "ups" could be something else too. In many ways the label matters mostly for insurance companies. I'm going to propose a thought and if it doesn't...
What you're describing could be bipolar but those "ups" could be something else too. In many ways the label matters mostly for insurance companies.
I'm going to propose a thought and if it doesn't resonate please feel free to throw it away
We are tiny specks in the universe. We're just one person on the planet of billions. We're single sparks. So is everyone in the end. No matter how famous or rich or important. We all exist, we shine, and we eventually stop. There is something very freeing in not having to be "important" or to achieve something great. You are allowed to just "be". And on days when brushing your teeth with a brush is hard, maybe try a finger or a swish of mouthwash. If a shower is hard, at least change clothes. Or just sit in the shower. If a meal is hard, sandwiches and other food don't have actually be assembled. Pieces of meat and cheese and bread and whatever can be good by themselves.
All you have to do is be and take care of yourself as best as you can. And then try to do just a little bit more. One more thing than yesterday. And if you don't today, that's ok, do it tomorrow.
I resonate with your sentiment behind "the labels are just for insurance companies anyway" in that, ultimately a label does not affect how we feel personally and internally, that's just how we...
I resonate with your sentiment behind "the labels are just for insurance companies anyway" in that, ultimately a label does not affect how we feel personally and internally, that's just how we are.
I do think that it's worth cautioning about three very important counterpoints to this though, for how labels can be very important to us as individuals as well.
Labels can help us find groups affected by the same patterns and diagnoses. Since I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, you're totally right in that the label doesn't change much personally. I'm just me, and my feelings are just my feelings. But, it has been immensely comforting to be able to speak with other friends and family about their experiences with depression.
It helps others understand you. There's some people in life, (more or less depending on your geographic area) who really struggle to understand the experience of poor mental health. For these people, I've found the label of "depression" to be be very helpful for having them understand that sometimes when I flake or cancel an activity, it's not them, or even me, it's my depression.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this to turn into such a soapbox, so apologies! Again, in general I agree with your sentiment - and I also have a similar mindset to being monkeys on a rock. I find both of these things quite comforting, but since OP sounds like they have been diagnosed with depression, but think they might have bipolar, it's worth splitting hairs on the label imo.
Oh I fully agree, labels can be incredibly helpful for individuals and the community. (Of course the wrong labels can lead to problems too). But I was definitely tailoring my thoughts to the...
Oh I fully agree, labels can be incredibly helpful for individuals and the community. (Of course the wrong labels can lead to problems too). But I was definitely tailoring my thoughts to the situation.
It will be incredibly helpful for them to explore both professional and self-support for whatever their diagnoses and experiences, however I didn't want to just reiterate the "go get assessed professionally" as I think that message has been shared. It's possible they're experiencing bipolar or it could be a number of other things.
But when we're just getting by, I find the diagnosis less helpful at the survival stage.
I have read people saying that they felt less burdened when they got to know their diagnosis, that what’s wrong with them isn’t their fault. But, in that sense I feel the same as you, it’s not...
But when we’re just getting by, I find the diagnosis less helpful at the survival stage.
I have read people saying that they felt less burdened when they got to know their diagnosis, that what’s wrong with them isn’t their fault. But, in that sense I feel the same as you, it’s not helpful for survival or at least doesn’t make sense for me.
Yeah, there are pros and cons to all sorts of labels. Right now it sounds like you just need help. Do you have anyone else you can reach out to in person? What about a hotline?
Yeah, there are pros and cons to all sorts of labels. Right now it sounds like you just need help. Do you have anyone else you can reach out to in person? What about a hotline?
Yeah, I just went from getting better to travelling and then crashing and falling into suicidal thoughts within a span of 3 weeks. Hence, I am worried and trying to figure out a way to seek...
Yeah, I just went from getting better to travelling and then crashing and falling into suicidal thoughts within a span of 3 weeks. Hence, I am worried and trying to figure out a way to seek professional help.
Other than that, the label doesn’t matter to me. I am or I feel broken, no label can change that.
There is something very freeing in not having to be “important” or to achieve something great.
I am unable to digest this, I don’t know to feel free from this :(
All you have to do is be and take care of yourself as best as you can.
I feel like I am done trying. I just feel tired and I even feel tired of being tired :(
Feeling so tired is really common for folks where you're at. I've been there, and I see others there a lot. Try one thing at a time and be ok with doing just enough for now. But definitely you...
Feeling so tired is really common for folks where you're at. I've been there, and I see others there a lot. Try one thing at a time and be ok with doing just enough for now.
But definitely you need to talk to someone about getting more long term support - family or friends, a hotline, a local clinic or even the hospital if that's an option. If you don't know what's near you I'm happy to help find a few things for your locale
I got access to psychologist and a psychiatrist through a family member (they work with them) and that’s how I got a diagnosis done. However, since they know the doctor on a personal level, they...
I got access to psychologist and a psychiatrist through a family member (they work with them) and that’s how I got a diagnosis done. However, since they know the doctor on a personal level, they advised me to not continue with the doctor Further because A: that doctor is somewhat shady and only cares about monetary gains and B: since they worked in the mental health space for quite a while now they recommended against opting the medicines because it will have side affects as well as I won’t be able to function without them thus creating an addiction. Moreover, I was told that it’s more of a life’s phase since I just entered adulthood :/
Ignore that family member, then. Yah, medication side effects van sometimes be nasty, and yah, there can can be withdrawal effects, and yah, if the med actually helps, it will stop helping if you...
Ignore that family member, then.
Yah, medication side effects van sometimes be nasty, and yah, there can can be withdrawal effects, and yah, if the med actually helps, it will stop helping if you stop taking it. Thats how meds work, even tylonol can have side effects, but we stilll use meds because in the end, you will hopefully find one that works well enough and has mild enough side effects to be worth it. Your family member could use all the same aruments against birth control: it can have nasty side effects, it can have withdrawl symptoms, and it stops working if you dont take it, yet hundereds of millions of women worldwide decide its worth it for the primary effect.
Now, im not saying the first med, or any med you try, will be a night and day difference, but you should at least try. Its not going to be instant, or even gaurenteed, but if you can find something that works, it will be worth it.
Also, that bullshit about 'just a stage of life'/'you will grow out of it'/etc should not coming out of the mouth of anyone who has 'worked in mental health'. Its impacting your functioning now. If that suicidal ideation turns to planning and then turns to action, it wont matter if you would have 'grown out of it', will it? You will be dead.
Even discounting suicide, those intrusive thoughts, those impulsive decisions, the difficulty taking care of yourself? Those will have effects even after you hypothetically 'grow out of it'. I know because ive been there, and even now that my depression is somewhat better managed (not by 'growing out of it', but by getting and continuing to get an absolute butt-ton of support, in the form of family, professionals, and meds), im still dealing with health issues that I gained during deep depression.
Go to a professional, please. It doesnt have to be the same one, and you dont have to stick with any healrh care professional if they make you uncomfortable, but please start seeing somone.
One of the things that really helped me in life was to recognize that the brain is going to chatter and I have no control over what it chatters about. The intrusive thoughts, self talk, and...
One of the things that really helped me in life was to recognize that the brain is going to chatter and I have no control over what it chatters about. The intrusive thoughts, self talk, and whatever else will happen but I am not the conversation or chatter - just the witness of it. So I don't have to buy into it, agree with it, or argue with it. I just have to be.
I am copy pasting my reply from this thread only: The very first thing I did was take a health professional's help months ago and I was diagnosed with depression that time and now my access to...
It's best to consult a medical professional first before doing anything else.
I am copy pasting my reply from this thread only:
The very first thing I did was take a health professional's help months ago and I was diagnosed with depression that time and now my access to professional has been cut off hence I am trying to gain insights so as to have a strong ground to seek good and better help again.
I fell off the wagon really hard after a severe anxiety attack a few years ago and effectively jettisoned my entire life. It was a struggle to get myself to go back to therapy and back onto medication, but it may be the option that's required.
How are you doing now?
Do you think all those thoughts and the perspective stays there but slightly faded because of the medication just so things can be tolerable and stable?
A hobby won't be a magical cure-all, but it does help.
I am on it. However, I did actually get a hobby. but I have taken a pause, because I cannot muster the energy, it feels like a burden.
The world just feels distant and less vibrant. It just makes me feel lonelier. And, yes I feel hopeless. There’s no point even if I find the hope to survive, what is it for?
The world just feels distant and less vibrant. It just makes me feel lonelier. And, yes I feel hopeless. There’s no point even if I find the hope to survive, what is it for?
To offer a little encouragement, it isn't always. I was really scared when I started medication for my depression because I'd heard a lot of stories like this and had a bad experience in college,...
To offer a little encouragement, it isn't always. I was really scared when I started medication for my depression because I'd heard a lot of stories like this and had a bad experience in college, but I got lucky and the first thing we tried at the lowest dose ended up being perfect for me. It varies so much from person to person that it's hard to predict whether you'll have an easy or hard time with medication.
I don't want to delegitimize anyone's sucky experiences with medication and side effects. But I think it's easy while deptessed to hear these stories and fall into a pattern of hopelessness and ssume medication inevitably won't work for you, and that's not necessarily the case.
The most important thing I can tell you is that you are not alone. I've been where you are, and it is the worst feeling I've ever experienced. It took me a long time (and therapy, and finding the...
The most important thing I can tell you is that you are not alone. I've been where you are, and it is the worst feeling I've ever experienced. It took me a long time (and therapy, and finding the right meds) to level out and I've been stable and happy now for years. No matter how bad it gets it can always get better -- it's not forever.
Depression (especially to the degree you describe) can be a very isolating feeling. So it bears repeating, don't let yourself forget: you're not alone. It's a thing many people experience, and lots of them are willing to listen and help. The best thing you can do is talk to people -- making this post was a step in the right direction.
The other advice I would give is to make sure you're taking care of your body. It's hard, especially when you feel like you don't deserve it and you don't have the energy, but make sure you are drinking plenty of water, eating real food (when you can, I know the call of junk food is strong and you don't need to feel bad about that), and going outside to walk now and then. If you're feeling up to it, do a couple jumping jacks or pushups. Even just one, trust me, it might feel good.
It makes a huge difference for me when I'm depressed to just focus on these basics. Especially hydration! Drink water! I have a 40 oz water bottle at my side at all times. It's every bit as helpful as my meds.
We've talked briefly through DM so I'll continue here. It sucks that you have to go through this without any reasonable end in sight. I recognize those bursts of confidence too, buying new things...
We've talked briefly through DM so I'll continue here.
It sucks that you have to go through this without any reasonable end in sight. I recognize those bursts of confidence too, buying new things and expecting it to turn at least part of your life around only to fall back into the same patterns.
My therapist said I suffer from self-sabotaging behavior where I will sometimes unknowingly set myself up for disappoint as to create a self-fulfilling prophecy of proving that things will always be shit and this creates a false sense of predictability and control.
You might suffer from some kind of trauma that is haunting and hampering you that is worthy of discovering but I wouldn't immediately jump to conclusions like bipolar. That usually consists of longer periods (say weeks or even months) of mania (joy, confidence, life's amazing) to long periods of dread and depression.
I'm sorry your feeling this way. I hope you know you are not alone in feeling that way. When I read your post, that feeling of being so inward focused and feeling lost and disconnected and...
I'm sorry your feeling this way. I hope you know you are not alone in feeling that way.
When I read your post, that feeling of being so inward focused and feeling lost and disconnected and overwhelmed by the world really resonated with how I have felt at times. Which set me thinking, what would I do (and have done) during those times? One thing that has helped is intentionally seeking connection. Play a board game with my wife or daughter. Have lunch with someone. Get a massage. Go out of my way to do something nice for someone. (This last had been very effective. It seems like the cognitive dissonance between feeling terrible and do something genuinely nice someone resets something in my head.)
I should be clear that I am not saying, "getting a hobby is all you need to fix your mental health problems". This is just a tool that has helped me among many other kinds of support and treatment that I use to manage my issues.
I will end by echoing other advice posted that I hope you seek qualified medical support and care.
Makes sense. But, to start, I did actually get a hobby and it does ask for caring. So there's that but I have taken a pause, because I cannot muster the energy, it feels like a burden. That's the...
I should be clear that I am not saying, "getting a hobby is all you need to fix your mental health problems". This is just a tool that has helped me among many other kinds of support and treatment that I use to manage my issues.
Makes sense. But, to start, I did actually get a hobby and it does ask for caring. So there's that but I have taken a pause, because I cannot muster the energy, it feels like a burden.
I will end by echoing other advice posted that I hope you seek qualified medical support and care.
Its perfectly fine to feel like that at times. Don't beat yourself up over it. There is still so much joy in being a dot or a droplet or a single grain of sand! I'm sure people will be quick to...
I feel confused. I have been introspecting and just getting lost in my own thoughts. I have been questioning every belief I have ever had. I feel minuscule. I feel like a little, irrelevant dot in front of the world's mass.
Its perfectly fine to feel like that at times. Don't beat yourself up over it. There is still so much joy in being a dot or a droplet or a single grain of sand!
I'm sure people will be quick to suggest professional help and I don't want to dismiss that recommendation at all. Seek help if you need to. There is no shame in that. But whatever you do: talk to anyone - not necessarily a professional and not necessarily about these feeling in pariticular, but about life in general. That way you might not get lost inside your own thoughts so easily.
Be involved with other people and, most of all, try to establish a (social) strucutre in your life that protects you from these waves of highs and lows. Because both will probably come again: the unreasonable highs and the unimaginable lows. Meaningful strucutre, social responsibilties, and relationships can act as a buffer against fallout and make sure that you are not swept away. It certainly is what keeps me going when I want to do and be nothing at all.
This sounds reasonable, I will try this for sure. Hope I can get through and follow it :(
try to establish a (social) strucutre in your life that protects you from these waves of highs and lows. Because both will probably come again: the unreasonable highs and the unimaginable lows. Meaningful strucutre, social responsibilties, and relationships can act as a buffer against fallout and make sure that you are not swept away. It certainly is what keeps me going when I want to do and be nothing at all.
This sounds reasonable, I will try this for sure. Hope I can get through and follow it :(
Being in tune with my emotions has been crucial. Knowing when I’m in a down spell, or inching towards mania. If you know your body and mind better you can work with a health professional to come...
Being in tune with my emotions has been crucial. Knowing when I’m in a down spell, or inching towards mania. If you know your body and mind better you can work with a health professional to come up with a plan to help through therapy, medication or both. I’ve been on anti depressants for over 10 years. They do not make me “happy” but they do flatten my mood swings so I am more stable.
You take yourself everywhere you go, so you need to figure out how to live with you. Once you can do that then you can work on improving other relationships and aspects.
I'll echo what other people are saying and would recommend seeing a professional as soon as you can. Personally, I'd also recommend seeing a psychologist over a psychiatrist for therapy. Also, you...
I'll echo what other people are saying and would recommend seeing a professional as soon as you can. Personally, I'd also recommend seeing a psychologist over a psychiatrist for therapy. Also, you can only guess whether you have some mental illness, only a licensed mental health professional can properly diagnose you.
In the meantime of seeing a professional, check out HealthyGamer on youtube. They have videos on general mental health topics and interviews with people who are struggling that might be helpful (this video especially I thought was very good).
When I got diagnosed with severe depression, I actually did have 2 therapy sessions with a psychologist and the diagnosis was done by a psychiatrist. However, I couldn’t click with the therapist...
When I got diagnosed with severe depression, I actually did have 2 therapy sessions with a psychologist and the diagnosis was done by a psychiatrist. However, I couldn’t click with the therapist and as I said in an another comment, my access to further professional help was cut.
Make an appointment with your primary care doc. Normally a primary care doc will give you antidepressants if you are suicidal and good care in that case would involve titrating your dose and...
Make an appointment with your primary care doc. Normally a primary care doc will give you antidepressants if you are suicidal and good care in that case would involve titrating your dose and probably trying a few different meds until one agrees with you so you might expect to contact your doc several times over (say) six months.
With bipolar symptoms though there is some risk antidepressants will cause you to have a manic episode so your primary care doc will probably give you a referral to a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner who is qualified to handle that kind of case. Unfortunately in 2023 those specialists are backlogged in most places and you may end up making a lot of calls to find one that is taking new patients. But it is (1) important that you do it and (2) important you see your primary care doc to get checked out initially and probably get that referral.
The stuff you describe does sound like you could be on the bipolar spectrum, but there are also plenty of other diagnoses that can often be confused with bipolar even among professionals -- I...
The stuff you describe does sound like you could be on the bipolar spectrum, but there are also plenty of other diagnoses that can often be confused with bipolar even among professionals -- I myself was misdiagnosed with bipolar in college when I had untreated depression and ADHD. It takes time and experimentation (especially if medication is involved) to get the diagnosis right even with a professional involved, much less on your own.
If you can afford it, I really do recommend seeing a psychotherapist. Mention everything you do here to them -- hell, reading them the post might not be a bad idea. Even though psychotherapists can't generally prescribe medication themselves, in my experience they can give recommendations to bring to your GP or a psychiatrist. Worst case they can point you in the direction of a psychiatrist in your area. Especially if medication is in your future, the knowledge of your "ups" might influence what medications they choose to start with so that's definitely something you should bring up with any professional you consult with.
I don't want to sound insensitive, but have you considered another angle, like LAD (from Lyme's disease) and have had a blood work or similar done? It may be relevant if these things just suddenly...
I don't want to sound insensitive, but have you considered another angle, like LAD (from Lyme's disease) and have had a blood work or similar done? It may be relevant if these things just suddenly occurred in your life with no previous medical or psychiatric history.
LAD contributed to suicidality, and sometimes homicidality, in individuals who were not suicidal before infection. A higher level of risk to self and others is associated with multiple symptoms developing after acquiring LAD, in particular, explosive anger, intrusive images, sudden mood swings, paranoia, dissociative episodes, hallucinations, disinhibition, panic disorder, rapid cycling bipolar, depersonalization, social anxiety disorder, substance abuse, hypervigilance, generalized anxiety disorder, genital–urinary symptoms, chronic pain, anhedonia, depression, low frustration tolerance, and posttraumatic stress disorder.
I don't think we're going to be qualified to provide help here; such feelings are nothing to feel ashamed of - acknowledging them is a vital step.
Please take my advice: talk to your healthcare provider, in whatever form that takes.
The very first thing I did was take a health professional's help months ago and I was diagnosed with depression that time and now my access to professional has been cut off hence I am trying to gain insights so as to have a strong ground to seek good and better help again.
What you're describing could be bipolar but those "ups" could be something else too. In many ways the label matters mostly for insurance companies.
I'm going to propose a thought and if it doesn't resonate please feel free to throw it away
We are tiny specks in the universe. We're just one person on the planet of billions. We're single sparks. So is everyone in the end. No matter how famous or rich or important. We all exist, we shine, and we eventually stop. There is something very freeing in not having to be "important" or to achieve something great. You are allowed to just "be". And on days when brushing your teeth with a brush is hard, maybe try a finger or a swish of mouthwash. If a shower is hard, at least change clothes. Or just sit in the shower. If a meal is hard, sandwiches and other food don't have actually be assembled. Pieces of meat and cheese and bread and whatever can be good by themselves.
All you have to do is be and take care of yourself as best as you can. And then try to do just a little bit more. One more thing than yesterday. And if you don't today, that's ok, do it tomorrow.
I resonate with your sentiment behind "the labels are just for insurance companies anyway" in that, ultimately a label does not affect how we feel personally and internally, that's just how we are.
I do think that it's worth cautioning about three very important counterpoints to this though, for how labels can be very important to us as individuals as well.
Different labels = different treatment. Getting this wrong can be disastrous. In the case of bipolar specifically, anti-depressants can significantly increase the manic episodes from bipolar disorder. On a personal, anecdotal note, this happened to an acquaintance recently which led to a suicide attempt and has really stuck with me.
Labels can help us find groups affected by the same patterns and diagnoses. Since I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, you're totally right in that the label doesn't change much personally. I'm just me, and my feelings are just my feelings. But, it has been immensely comforting to be able to speak with other friends and family about their experiences with depression.
It helps others understand you. There's some people in life, (more or less depending on your geographic area) who really struggle to understand the experience of poor mental health. For these people, I've found the label of "depression" to be be very helpful for having them understand that sometimes when I flake or cancel an activity, it's not them, or even me, it's my depression.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this to turn into such a soapbox, so apologies! Again, in general I agree with your sentiment - and I also have a similar mindset to being monkeys on a rock. I find both of these things quite comforting, but since OP sounds like they have been diagnosed with depression, but think they might have bipolar, it's worth splitting hairs on the label imo.
Oh I fully agree, labels can be incredibly helpful for individuals and the community. (Of course the wrong labels can lead to problems too). But I was definitely tailoring my thoughts to the situation.
It will be incredibly helpful for them to explore both professional and self-support for whatever their diagnoses and experiences, however I didn't want to just reiterate the "go get assessed professionally" as I think that message has been shared. It's possible they're experiencing bipolar or it could be a number of other things.
But when we're just getting by, I find the diagnosis less helpful at the survival stage.
I have read people saying that they felt less burdened when they got to know their diagnosis, that what’s wrong with them isn’t their fault. But, in that sense I feel the same as you, it’s not helpful for survival or at least doesn’t make sense for me.
Yeah, there are pros and cons to all sorts of labels. Right now it sounds like you just need help. Do you have anyone else you can reach out to in person? What about a hotline?
Thanks for listing down the points. It’s insightful and does articulate some of my thoughts that I was unable to articulate.
Yeah, I just went from getting better to travelling and then crashing and falling into suicidal thoughts within a span of 3 weeks. Hence, I am worried and trying to figure out a way to seek professional help.
Other than that, the label doesn’t matter to me. I am or I feel broken, no label can change that.
I am unable to digest this, I don’t know to feel free from this :(
I feel like I am done trying. I just feel tired and I even feel tired of being tired :(
Feeling so tired is really common for folks where you're at. I've been there, and I see others there a lot. Try one thing at a time and be ok with doing just enough for now.
But definitely you need to talk to someone about getting more long term support - family or friends, a hotline, a local clinic or even the hospital if that's an option. If you don't know what's near you I'm happy to help find a few things for your locale
What happened to get you cut off from your provider, if I may ask?
I got access to psychologist and a psychiatrist through a family member (they work with them) and that’s how I got a diagnosis done. However, since they know the doctor on a personal level, they advised me to not continue with the doctor Further because A: that doctor is somewhat shady and only cares about monetary gains and B: since they worked in the mental health space for quite a while now they recommended against opting the medicines because it will have side affects as well as I won’t be able to function without them thus creating an addiction. Moreover, I was told that it’s more of a life’s phase since I just entered adulthood :/
Ignore that family member, then.
Yah, medication side effects van sometimes be nasty, and yah, there can can be withdrawal effects, and yah, if the med actually helps, it will stop helping if you stop taking it. Thats how meds work, even tylonol can have side effects, but we stilll use meds because in the end, you will hopefully find one that works well enough and has mild enough side effects to be worth it. Your family member could use all the same aruments against birth control: it can have nasty side effects, it can have withdrawl symptoms, and it stops working if you dont take it, yet hundereds of millions of women worldwide decide its worth it for the primary effect.
Now, im not saying the first med, or any med you try, will be a night and day difference, but you should at least try. Its not going to be instant, or even gaurenteed, but if you can find something that works, it will be worth it.
Also, that bullshit about 'just a stage of life'/'you will grow out of it'/etc should not coming out of the mouth of anyone who has 'worked in mental health'. Its impacting your functioning now. If that suicidal ideation turns to planning and then turns to action, it wont matter if you would have 'grown out of it', will it? You will be dead.
Even discounting suicide, those intrusive thoughts, those impulsive decisions, the difficulty taking care of yourself? Those will have effects even after you hypothetically 'grow out of it'. I know because ive been there, and even now that my depression is somewhat better managed (not by 'growing out of it', but by getting and continuing to get an absolute butt-ton of support, in the form of family, professionals, and meds), im still dealing with health issues that I gained during deep depression.
Go to a professional, please. It doesnt have to be the same one, and you dont have to stick with any healrh care professional if they make you uncomfortable, but please start seeing somone.
One of the things that really helped me in life was to recognize that the brain is going to chatter and I have no control over what it chatters about. The intrusive thoughts, self talk, and whatever else will happen but I am not the conversation or chatter - just the witness of it. So I don't have to buy into it, agree with it, or argue with it. I just have to be.
I am copy pasting my reply from this thread only:
The very first thing I did was take a health professional's help months ago and I was diagnosed with depression that time and now my access to professional has been cut off hence I am trying to gain insights so as to have a strong ground to seek good and better help again.
How are you doing now?
Do you think all those thoughts and the perspective stays there but slightly faded because of the medication just so things can be tolerable and stable?
I am on it. However, I did actually get a hobby. but I have taken a pause, because I cannot muster the energy, it feels like a burden.
Damn it sounds so tough :(
The world just feels distant and less vibrant. It just makes me feel lonelier. And, yes I feel hopeless. There’s no point even if I find the hope to survive, what is it for?
To offer a little encouragement, it isn't always. I was really scared when I started medication for my depression because I'd heard a lot of stories like this and had a bad experience in college, but I got lucky and the first thing we tried at the lowest dose ended up being perfect for me. It varies so much from person to person that it's hard to predict whether you'll have an easy or hard time with medication.
I don't want to delegitimize anyone's sucky experiences with medication and side effects. But I think it's easy while deptessed to hear these stories and fall into a pattern of hopelessness and ssume medication inevitably won't work for you, and that's not necessarily the case.
The most important thing I can tell you is that you are not alone. I've been where you are, and it is the worst feeling I've ever experienced. It took me a long time (and therapy, and finding the right meds) to level out and I've been stable and happy now for years. No matter how bad it gets it can always get better -- it's not forever.
Depression (especially to the degree you describe) can be a very isolating feeling. So it bears repeating, don't let yourself forget: you're not alone. It's a thing many people experience, and lots of them are willing to listen and help. The best thing you can do is talk to people -- making this post was a step in the right direction.
The other advice I would give is to make sure you're taking care of your body. It's hard, especially when you feel like you don't deserve it and you don't have the energy, but make sure you are drinking plenty of water, eating real food (when you can, I know the call of junk food is strong and you don't need to feel bad about that), and going outside to walk now and then. If you're feeling up to it, do a couple jumping jacks or pushups. Even just one, trust me, it might feel good.
It makes a huge difference for me when I'm depressed to just focus on these basics. Especially hydration! Drink water! I have a 40 oz water bottle at my side at all times. It's every bit as helpful as my meds.
I'm glad you're here. Take it one day at a time.
We've talked briefly through DM so I'll continue here.
It sucks that you have to go through this without any reasonable end in sight. I recognize those bursts of confidence too, buying new things and expecting it to turn at least part of your life around only to fall back into the same patterns.
My therapist said I suffer from self-sabotaging behavior where I will sometimes unknowingly set myself up for disappoint as to create a self-fulfilling prophecy of proving that things will always be shit and this creates a false sense of predictability and control.
You might suffer from some kind of trauma that is haunting and hampering you that is worthy of discovering but I wouldn't immediately jump to conclusions like bipolar. That usually consists of longer periods (say weeks or even months) of mania (joy, confidence, life's amazing) to long periods of dread and depression.
I'm sorry your feeling this way. I hope you know you are not alone in feeling that way.
When I read your post, that feeling of being so inward focused and feeling lost and disconnected and overwhelmed by the world really resonated with how I have felt at times. Which set me thinking, what would I do (and have done) during those times? One thing that has helped is intentionally seeking connection. Play a board game with my wife or daughter. Have lunch with someone. Get a massage. Go out of my way to do something nice for someone. (This last had been very effective. It seems like the cognitive dissonance between feeling terrible and do something genuinely nice someone resets something in my head.)
I should be clear that I am not saying, "getting a hobby is all you need to fix your mental health problems". This is just a tool that has helped me among many other kinds of support and treatment that I use to manage my issues.
I will end by echoing other advice posted that I hope you seek qualified medical support and care.
Makes sense. But, to start, I did actually get a hobby and it does ask for caring. So there's that but I have taken a pause, because I cannot muster the energy, it feels like a burden.
That's the goal. Thank you kind stranger.
Its perfectly fine to feel like that at times. Don't beat yourself up over it. There is still so much joy in being a dot or a droplet or a single grain of sand!
I'm sure people will be quick to suggest professional help and I don't want to dismiss that recommendation at all. Seek help if you need to. There is no shame in that. But whatever you do: talk to anyone - not necessarily a professional and not necessarily about these feeling in pariticular, but about life in general. That way you might not get lost inside your own thoughts so easily.
Be involved with other people and, most of all, try to establish a (social) strucutre in your life that protects you from these waves of highs and lows. Because both will probably come again: the unreasonable highs and the unimaginable lows. Meaningful strucutre, social responsibilties, and relationships can act as a buffer against fallout and make sure that you are not swept away. It certainly is what keeps me going when I want to do and be nothing at all.
This sounds reasonable, I will try this for sure. Hope I can get through and follow it :(
Being in tune with my emotions has been crucial. Knowing when I’m in a down spell, or inching towards mania. If you know your body and mind better you can work with a health professional to come up with a plan to help through therapy, medication or both. I’ve been on anti depressants for over 10 years. They do not make me “happy” but they do flatten my mood swings so I am more stable.
You take yourself everywhere you go, so you need to figure out how to live with you. Once you can do that then you can work on improving other relationships and aspects.
You can do this.
Please do not try to do this alone.
I'll echo what other people are saying and would recommend seeing a professional as soon as you can. Personally, I'd also recommend seeing a psychologist over a psychiatrist for therapy. Also, you can only guess whether you have some mental illness, only a licensed mental health professional can properly diagnose you.
In the meantime of seeing a professional, check out HealthyGamer on youtube. They have videos on general mental health topics and interviews with people who are struggling that might be helpful (this video especially I thought was very good).
When I got diagnosed with severe depression, I actually did have 2 therapy sessions with a psychologist and the diagnosis was done by a psychiatrist. However, I couldn’t click with the therapist and as I said in an another comment, my access to further professional help was cut.
Make an appointment with your primary care doc. Normally a primary care doc will give you antidepressants if you are suicidal and good care in that case would involve titrating your dose and probably trying a few different meds until one agrees with you so you might expect to contact your doc several times over (say) six months.
With bipolar symptoms though there is some risk antidepressants will cause you to have a manic episode so your primary care doc will probably give you a referral to a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner who is qualified to handle that kind of case. Unfortunately in 2023 those specialists are backlogged in most places and you may end up making a lot of calls to find one that is taking new patients. But it is (1) important that you do it and (2) important you see your primary care doc to get checked out initially and probably get that referral.
The stuff you describe does sound like you could be on the bipolar spectrum, but there are also plenty of other diagnoses that can often be confused with bipolar even among professionals -- I myself was misdiagnosed with bipolar in college when I had untreated depression and ADHD. It takes time and experimentation (especially if medication is involved) to get the diagnosis right even with a professional involved, much less on your own.
If you can afford it, I really do recommend seeing a psychotherapist. Mention everything you do here to them -- hell, reading them the post might not be a bad idea. Even though psychotherapists can't generally prescribe medication themselves, in my experience they can give recommendations to bring to your GP or a psychiatrist. Worst case they can point you in the direction of a psychiatrist in your area. Especially if medication is in your future, the knowledge of your "ups" might influence what medications they choose to start with so that's definitely something you should bring up with any professional you consult with.
I don't want to sound insensitive, but have you considered another angle, like LAD (from Lyme's disease) and have had a blood work or similar done? It may be relevant if these things just suddenly occurred in your life with no previous medical or psychiatric history.
NIH NLM PubMed
I do not have any other visible symptoms for LAD and more over I do have a family history for depression so there’s that.