Ngl, from a third party perspective it does look pretty sus saying that you didn’t want the boyfriend to come. I’m not sure if I would say it’s “inappropriate”, but it’s definitely… awkward.
Ngl, from a third party perspective it does look pretty sus saying that you didn’t want the boyfriend to come. I’m not sure if I would say it’s “inappropriate”, but it’s definitely… awkward.
Tbh I feel like that’s kinda of weird too? Even with my same sex friends, I’ve never wanted to have a “1-1” relationship? I just like hanging out with them, so group, individual, that’s just about...
Tbh I feel like that’s kinda of weird too? Even with my same sex friends, I’ve never wanted to have a “1-1” relationship? I just like hanging out with them, so group, individual, that’s just about availability. More the merrier if it’s possible.
They are! But if the other person responds to your first 1-1 hang out with "thought gf would be here" and the 2nd by pressing for it to be a group thing, that person isn't the likely to be a close...
They are! But if the other person responds to your first 1-1 hang out with "thought gf would be here" and the 2nd by pressing for it to be a group thing, that person isn't the likely to be a close one. Not any time soon.
Hm, well, formal labels and diagnosis’s aside, I personally have a hard time understanding your intentions even with your perspective first and foremost being told to me. You probably think about...
Hm, well, formal labels and diagnosis’s aside, I personally have a hard time understanding your intentions even with your perspective first and foremost being told to me. You probably think about relationships in a very different way to the average person.
I think it’s very easy for someone to see your actions as underlying somewhat sleazy intentions. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what, because a lot of it is intuition, but it does feel off.
This comes off as really hostile to her boyfriend not as a message to him that he needs to put off effort to be friends with you. It's more likely he's not talking to you because he doesn't want...
This comes off as really hostile to her boyfriend not as a message to him that he needs to put off effort to be friends with you.
It's more likely he's not talking to you because he doesn't want to than that he's "not tending to his notifications correctly" which is to my knowledge a task without a single correct path.
Based on this it seems likely that she felt obligated to answer your texts and this is another area you're not realizing you're misstepping.
You know you didn't offend him, or he just wasn't interested in being closer with you and tolerated you for the friend group? Based on his reading of your other messages, he didn't like you enough...
You know you didn't offend him, or he just wasn't interested in being closer with you and tolerated you for the friend group?
Based on his reading of your other messages, he didn't like you enough to be polite and explain how you misstepped. You dropped the c-word over that, so clearly you're upset. I'm being blunt because you're not responding to less direct comments well.
I know you're asking for women's perspectives, but since the situation is about both people in the couple (the guy saw the texts) maybe a male perspective won't hurt. The bit where you said you...
I know you're asking for women's perspectives, but since the situation is about both people in the couple (the guy saw the texts) maybe a male perspective won't hurt.
The bit where you said you wanted to create a 1v1 friendship in the coffee shop would raise most people's eyebrows. Not enough to mean anything by itself but the radar goes on. Why just her? Do you not like the boyfriend? Why her in particular? I'm not asking you these questions, they're examples of what someone might wonder.
So because the radar is on, the private home invite is going to be seen in a different light. When she says she'd like her bf to be there the only appropriate answer is ok great. She's telling you the invite feels uncomfortable. "There isn't room in my living room" is going to feel weird to anyone without context.
When she said she wanted her bf there and you said no, that crossed a line even if it wasn't your intent. The situation, as far as I can tell, isn't about whether straight women in relationships can have male friends, it's about the way it happened.
If I was invited to a guy friend's home for a one-on-one movie date, however platonic, and my husband was explicitly NOT welcome, I'd feel uneasy. The whole "my place is too small for three...
If I was invited to a guy friend's home for a one-on-one movie date, however platonic, and my husband was explicitly NOT welcome, I'd feel uneasy. The whole "my place is too small for three people" thing sounds to my casual ear, a little dodgy. I'm not saying you had any bad intent, just that this kind of statement would have raised my alert level to orange.
Now, if a friend needed advice on a sensitive subject and asked for alone time for that kind of private conversation, that's one thing. But just... "Your partner isn't welcome at movie night." Oof. That would be a no go for me. Mr GodzillasPencil and I aren't always a package deal, but I tend to be leery of people who don't want him around, should he want to swing by.
No, that wasn't the problem, you said you were explicit. She wasn't comfortable with it, but wanted to connect with you in those other ways. Also, you have a girlfriend, what did she say about how...
No, that wasn't the problem, you said you were explicit. She wasn't comfortable with it, but wanted to connect with you in those other ways.
Also, you have a girlfriend, what did she say about how this all went down?
Ok so... It's complicated. I'm gonna give my opinion then my thoughts on what's going on with her/possible cues you missed Caveats up top: I'm pansexual, I'm demi-gender but the life I've lived...
Ok so... It's complicated. I'm gonna give my opinion then my thoughts on what's going on with her/possible cues you missed
Caveats up top: I'm pansexual, I'm demi-gender but the life I've lived aligns with women's experiences broadly, and I am an elder millennial
For me:
If I'm asked to hang out by a friend, I have no particular qualms, unless I have qualms about that particular friend - maybe the vibes are off in that they make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I might think they're flirting, unless I know they have/have met their partner, or it's super blatant. The biggest difference is that's not a no from me, unless they're cheating or I'm not interested.
So while there can be flags that make me uncomfortable theyre really about behavior. In your situation if I asked for a group hangout, at hangout #2, it might be because I'm not feeling comfortable with being solo or it might not. #3 is not a place I'd find myself in, as I'm comfortable declining an invite I'm not interested in or feeling safe with, especially via tech.
What may be going on with her
it's long
From the jump she seemed to think this was not a solo hangout, since she thought gf would be there. That's a flag that she's not super comfortable solo but I understand thinking you've resolved it through the conversation. I'd probably have made my next invite to her a group invite in the double date sense.
However for number 3 you said she wanted him in town, and while he does live long distance so I get she was probably wanting to hang. It wasn't clear to me from that request if what she meant was for him to come or what she meant was for her to feel safe at someone else's place, specifically another guy's place. Going to someone's house can feel significantly less safe than being in a public space.
You answered the question she verbalized, but the intent behind that question was some combination of "I don't feel comfortable/safe at your place solo" and "I'd like to hang out with you, but with my boyfriend." At which point it's more incumbent on you to pivot the offer to something he could join in on, even if at another date or back off the original ask.
It's unspoken and it's not "fair" to insist you catch those cues but a lot of socializing is ensuring the comfort and understanding of the people involved. You didn't say anything that reassured her during that exchange and didn't catch that message during earlier ones though it sounds like it was consistent. Women in particular are socialized to be indirect and avoid confrontation and saying "No" explicitly both from childhood and by really negative reactions from men as they get older. (The whole, "I have a boyfriend"/wearing a ring method of not getting harassed at work or the bar is real.)
She may only be feeling indignant/uncomfortable with your offer because boyfriend made her feel that way (if he lives in a different country is it not obvious when he's in town?) and they could have weird relationship rules about being around people of different genders, but it's also possible she felt like the vibes were weird and your "no just you come solo" while well intended, was more fear inducing than offensive. (And people react to fear with anger.)
So your 3rd offer wasn't "wrong" but I might have gotten weird vibes from how you ultimately responded. I don't think you have to feel bad for the invite, but I think it's worth noting why going to still relatively new guy friend's place solo can feel unsafe and why she didn't feel like you got the message she was sending. Both people can be in right and wrong at the same time. Time of day, location, and who else is around all set up different amounts of (not necessarily romantic) intimacy and some people are quite uncomfortable with that for a wide variety of reasons.
Generationally there are Gen Z's with more hangups about these friendships than Millennials and vice-versa, it's not all or nothing. I'm not joking when I say we just had a fight among students because the guy had other girls following him on Insta. Jealousy sucks.
Edit: after further interaction, I don't blame her, and I think the flags are fairly obvious, even if OP was ultimately meaning well. I do find it interesting he didn't respond to this at all despite being all over the thread but you can't win them all. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Married woman here. If I were trying to develop a friendship with someone who could potentially be a romantic partner, I would not have them to my house without my spouse there. Coffee or...
Married woman here.
If I were trying to develop a friendship with someone who could potentially be a romantic partner, I would not have them to my house without my spouse there. Coffee or restaurant yes. Accessible bedroom, no.
May I ask two follow-up questions? You don't have to answer, and they're genuine curiosity. Are you straight? "Potentially be a romantic partner" = any single male your age, or something more...
May I ask two follow-up questions? You don't have to answer, and they're genuine curiosity.
Are you straight?
"Potentially be a romantic partner" = any single male your age, or something more specific?
This is ultimately my opinion. There are a... small handful of red (or maybe just orange) flags in your post re: romantic intention? But if I'm not analyzing your intent, since that's for you to...
I respect that but I did get curious cause I thought our generation (im in my earlier 30s) had done away with the notion that males and females can't be platonic friends
This is ultimately my opinion. There are a... small handful of red (or maybe just orange) flags in your post re: romantic intention? But if I'm not analyzing your intent, since that's for you to decide, then I agree with your stated opinion.
This is ultimately an extremely "straight" problem to have, too. I'm a lesbian. If I'm in a relationship with a woman, do I not get to have female friends? Are bisexuals just in Friend Prison forever? It's all so silly and gendered and old-fashioned.
It's a bit vibes-based? You came off as a tad bit... defensive, I suppose. Like you're trying to justify to yourself why you really want her alone with you.* If you have to "come clean" about...
It's a bit vibes-based? You came off as a tad bit... defensive, I suppose. Like you're trying to justify to yourself why you really want her alone with you.*
then I kinda came clean that it wasn't accidental that I have been striking up more conversation randomly and that I am trying to create my own social circle and maybe hang out with her more and she seemed receptive to that idea.
If you have to "come clean" about something, it's kinda manipulation-y feeling.
She wanted to plan it such that her s.o. was in town for the invite (it's a long distance relationship and he lived in another country). I said that that's probably not a good idea cause while I guess the 3 of us could fit in one place, it'd be a tight fit (I have a really small living room, made worse by my really big desk cause I WFH as a software developer and wanted a really decent setup)
This also feels, IDK, like a whole lot of justifying.
*Not in a crime way. I'm aware this sounded a little bit worse than I meant it, but I don't know how to fix it.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I feel that being very straightforward will help you understand. Fundamentally I think the problem is that you aren't being honest - at least not with yourself. I...
hmm, maybe cause I tend to be over-honest at times?
I'm not trying to be mean, but I feel that being very straightforward will help you understand.
Fundamentally I think the problem is that you aren't being honest - at least not with yourself. I find it impossible to believe that the genuine problem with her boyfriend coming to watch the movie was that it would be too tight of a fit. (I noticed, for instance, that there wasn't literally no room - you just thought it would be tight). Even if it was, there were no other solutions? You couldn't move your desk or bring a chair in from the kitchen or something?
I think this is much closer to the truth:
she kept trying to include her bf, which I wasn't interested in.
Whether you can admit it to yourself or not, I think you just didn't want the boyfriend around and felt the space thing was a convenient excuse.
I'm not saying you're secretly trying to hook up with this individual - I'm taking your stated desire to have more one on one female friends at face value. But fundamentally, the reason you're coming off as a bit awkward-veering-into-creepy is that you're not being honest with either her or yourself, and she can tell. As @themeerkat said, if you're "coming clean" about stuff, it's a sign that you're being manipulative.
Some people just operate with the couple as a single social unit. I think that’s cool. But you have to like both people. In this case they are long distance so that can’t happen all of the time....
Some people just operate with the couple as a single social unit. I think that’s cool. But you have to like both people. In this case they are long distance so that can’t happen all of the time. But you can’t force them to be separate.
Honestly? I wouldn't be comfortable being alone with you. I think we're supposed to meet up for coffee with your gf, she isn't there, and it's a misunderstanding? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but...
Honestly? I wouldn't be comfortable being alone with you. I think we're supposed to meet up for coffee with your gf, she isn't there, and it's a misunderstanding? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but then you hit me with the 'I want to hang out more and become better friends' and I'm wondering how much of this entire one-on-one coffee date you engineered. You then invite me to dinner, I'm bringing company with me and "you're okay" with that. You want me to come alone to your apartment and you're less okay with that.
I'm fucking autistic, I can't read social cues, and you just raised almost every red flag I have. You went a bit past the edge of her comfort zone with the 'oops, my girlfriend wasn't coming' coffee date, and you keep escalating: come have a nice dinner alone with me, come Netflix and chill in my apartment. Either you're not seeing or you're not respecting the boundaries she's trying to set. Which means that she is never going to feel safe being alone with you because she won't be safe alone with you because you're not seeing or respecting her boundaries.
["She's never mentioned this!" you say. Yeah, well, what's that old truism: men are afraid women will laugh at them; women are afraid men will kill them. There's a subset of men who do not take rejection well, so you learn to be careful.]
All of this is especially an issue because she came from a middle eastern country, where women are often very much second class citizens, where men often feel free to take advantage of lone women who don't conform to their norms, and where women will be blamed and shamed for having been taken advantage of. And all of her suspicion / reactiveness will be compounded if she's ever been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted.
Honestly, if I were her, there's no way I'd ever be alone with you again. If we're meeting at your apartment for something, I'm arriving late, and I'm bringing a friend with me. Wherever we meet up, no matter how far away or unfamiliar with the area I am, I'm bringing my own transport because I'm not getting in a car with you. When we do meet up, I'm leaving early because I don't want to accidentally find myself the last person alone with you. If a group of us is meeting up at my place, a friend is going to stay at least an hour after you leave, possibly overnight, and if you "accidentally drink too much", I'm pouring you into an Uber and sending you home because you're not spending the night on the couch/in the spare bedroom.
I understand and appreciate the desire to form a wider and deeper social network, but your approach is not working with this person. Go back to group dates and stop trying to meet up with her alone.
Women are often wary of men, and being alone with men in the man's house. There's a reason for the common phrase that men are scared of rejection and women are scared of being murdered. It's not...
Women are often wary of men, and being alone with men in the man's house. There's a reason for the common phrase that men are scared of rejection and women are scared of being murdered. It's not universal, but I gave you a long response on the topic, have you read it?
But lets say you're right, why are you upset when you also don't understand her?
I would be cautious assuming that everyone of a given generation are all in lockstep about how their relationships should work. Culture provides a basic template, but at the end of the day, people...
I would be cautious assuming that everyone of a given generation are all in lockstep about how their relationships should work. Culture provides a basic template, but at the end of the day, people all have different personalities and will adapt the rules of their relationships to meet their needs. In every age group, you will see some relationships that are fiercely guarded, some relationships that are essentially open, and everything in between.
I am in my late 30s, so not quite in your age group (I do have friends and family I am close to in your age group, however), but I generally do not have any qualms hanging out one-on-one with male friends. Though my partner and I have a monogamous relationship, we have been hanging out one-on-one with friends of assorted genders (including even exes) for years.
However, if I in any way suspected that my partner would be uncomfortable with me hanging out with a particular friend in a particular scenario, I would not do it — even if he himself thought that his feelings were unjustified and he was encouraging me to go anyway. I just don't want to make him feel bad if I can easily avoid it, you know? (If he were a jealous sort of person, such that my own happiness would be hampered if I tried to never make him uncomfortable, then maybe I'd have to reassess. But that is not the case in our relationship.)
The other concern I might have is whether I feel comfortable hanging out one-on-one with a particular friend in a particular scenario. If I get the vibes that maybe this person could have a little bit of a thing for me (even if those vibes are incorrect), then I will probably feel uncomfortable visiting them alone in their home — and if that's the case, I will probably point to my relationship status when I back out of the invite.
As a general rule, I also don't like going to someone else's home for the first time when I am alone. I would much, much rather have a friend or my partner come with me for the first time — and possibly the first few times. I am just inherently uncomfortable in this kind of situation.
I think another issue you could be running into is that they are a long distance couple. Long distance relationships are inherently more shaky than traditional relationships, and that can cause the couple to cling to each other a bit tighter and to feel more uncomfortable with perceived threats to their relationship. When my partner and I were long distance, our standards were very different from what they are now; we were more nervous about the various ways that our relationship could fail, and we were a lot more conscious about doing anything that could make the other feel uncertain about our future together.
Not a woman, but I am in the same age range. I think it's maybe a bit optimistic to believe that our generation is beyond seeing attempts to have alone time with someone that fits your dating...
Not a woman, but I am in the same age range. I think it's maybe a bit optimistic to believe that our generation is beyond seeing attempts to have alone time with someone that fits your dating demographic as not suspicious. I'd say it's maybe more normal to have more diverse friend groups, but alone time is a different story. My wife has male friends, but I would be very weirded out if she was specifically invited to be alone in one of their homes and especially so if I was explicitly excluded.
Hello! I’m in a different age range, and not a woman, but I hope I can provide something other comments here haven’t. I’m queer, and in particular I identify as aromantic and asexual, so I’m...
Hello! I’m in a different age range, and not a woman, but I hope I can provide something other comments here haven’t.
I’m queer, and in particular I identify as aromantic and asexual, so I’m pretty used to relationships that are intimate in one way or another without taking on an explicitly romantic or sexual nature.
Navigating relationships is hard for everybody. We all are essentially driving blind, and rely on cultural knowledge and past experiences to guide us. There doesn’t exist some special set of rules that informs what is appropriate and what isn’t.
Neurodivergence
I’m also neurodivergent and fairly socially adept despite that. I don’t think neurodivergent people struggle socially because they don’t understand the rules. I don’t think anybody truly does. The research shows neurodivergents struggle to recognize facial expressions and body language queues, and therefore have a harder time gauging how somebody else is feeling in a moment. I think the struggle comes from neurodivergents having less signal to make social decisions, and therefore being more prone to make social mistakes.
In my experience, people tend to assume the set of rules they are used to is the same as others’ rules, and so infer someone’s intentions based on their own interpretations. This is necessary; you can’t enter every new relationship from scratch.
It seems like you believed that since you were both in committed relationships, the nature of your relationship was obviously strictly platonic. That holds for some people (e.g., some just enjoy flirting with others), but not everyone is so generous with the benefit of the doubt. I think other comments mentioned how your behavior (inviting her to your living place alone, saying no to her boyfriend, emphasizing the 1-1 relationship, etc.) could be interpreted as romantic interest. I think (as do other comments) that these are well-understood conventions. Oops! Mistakes happen, and if you had no bad intentions, I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
I want to add this: If you want to do something that could be interpreted in a bad way due to social conventions, you need to explicitly call out the social convention and that it doesn’t apply here. This isn’t always enough, but it seems like a necessary piece to break the rules. I am an aroace person who likes to, for example: flirt, be emotionally vulnerable, go on 1-1 evening outings, etc. with friends. I use something along the lines of: “I know when X happens you are used to it meaning Y, but with me, my intentions are Z.” People genuinely really appreciate the sincerity (but! you have to not change your intentions without very, very explicit communication, otherwise you are now manipulating somebody).
I hope this helps, if not you, then somebody reading this post. Socializing well is a mixture of recognizing and conforming to the common social conventions and empathizing with how someone’s background might inform their individual experience. Honest, clear, and respectful communication is essential. At the end of the day, if you want to be a good friend, it’s about them, not you.
Ngl, from a third party perspective it does look pretty sus saying that you didn’t want the boyfriend to come. I’m not sure if I would say it’s “inappropriate”, but it’s definitely… awkward.
Tbh I feel like that’s kinda of weird too? Even with my same sex friends, I’ve never wanted to have a “1-1” relationship? I just like hanging out with them, so group, individual, that’s just about availability. More the merrier if it’s possible.
I like to have close 1-1 friendships. They’re valuable.
They are! But if the other person responds to your first 1-1 hang out with "thought gf would be here" and the 2nd by pressing for it to be a group thing, that person isn't the likely to be a close one. Not any time soon.
This is entirely genuine, but are you by chance neurodivergent in some way?
Hm, well, formal labels and diagnosis’s aside, I personally have a hard time understanding your intentions even with your perspective first and foremost being told to me. You probably think about relationships in a very different way to the average person.
I think it’s very easy for someone to see your actions as underlying somewhat sleazy intentions. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what, because a lot of it is intuition, but it does feel off.
Are you as interested in a 1-on-1 friendship with her boyfriend?
This comes off as really hostile to her boyfriend not as a message to him that he needs to put off effort to be friends with you.
It's more likely he's not talking to you because he doesn't want to than that he's "not tending to his notifications correctly" which is to my knowledge a task without a single correct path.
Based on this it seems likely that she felt obligated to answer your texts and this is another area you're not realizing you're misstepping.
You know you didn't offend him, or he just wasn't interested in being closer with you and tolerated you for the friend group?
Based on his reading of your other messages, he didn't like you enough to be polite and explain how you misstepped. You dropped the c-word over that, so clearly you're upset. I'm being blunt because you're not responding to less direct comments well.
Valid. :)
I know you're asking for women's perspectives, but since the situation is about both people in the couple (the guy saw the texts) maybe a male perspective won't hurt.
The bit where you said you wanted to create a 1v1 friendship in the coffee shop would raise most people's eyebrows. Not enough to mean anything by itself but the radar goes on. Why just her? Do you not like the boyfriend? Why her in particular? I'm not asking you these questions, they're examples of what someone might wonder.
So because the radar is on, the private home invite is going to be seen in a different light. When she says she'd like her bf to be there the only appropriate answer is ok great. She's telling you the invite feels uncomfortable. "There isn't room in my living room" is going to feel weird to anyone without context.
When she said she wanted her bf there and you said no, that crossed a line even if it wasn't your intent. The situation, as far as I can tell, isn't about whether straight women in relationships can have male friends, it's about the way it happened.
If I was invited to a guy friend's home for a one-on-one movie date, however platonic, and my husband was explicitly NOT welcome, I'd feel uneasy. The whole "my place is too small for three people" thing sounds to my casual ear, a little dodgy. I'm not saying you had any bad intent, just that this kind of statement would have raised my alert level to orange.
Now, if a friend needed advice on a sensitive subject and asked for alone time for that kind of private conversation, that's one thing. But just... "Your partner isn't welcome at movie night." Oof. That would be a no go for me. Mr GodzillasPencil and I aren't always a package deal, but I tend to be leery of people who don't want him around, should he want to swing by.
No, that wasn't the problem, you said you were explicit. She wasn't comfortable with it, but wanted to connect with you in those other ways.
Also, you have a girlfriend, what did she say about how this all went down?
So what did you hope to gain asking this question here and do you think you've gained any new understanding?
Ok so... It's complicated. I'm gonna give my opinion then my thoughts on what's going on with her/possible cues you missed
Caveats up top: I'm pansexual, I'm demi-gender but the life I've lived aligns with women's experiences broadly, and I am an elder millennial
For me:
If I'm asked to hang out by a friend, I have no particular qualms, unless I have qualms about that particular friend - maybe the vibes are off in that they make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I might think they're flirting, unless I know they have/have met their partner, or it's super blatant. The biggest difference is that's not a no from me, unless they're cheating or I'm not interested.
So while there can be flags that make me uncomfortable theyre really about behavior. In your situation if I asked for a group hangout, at hangout #2, it might be because I'm not feeling comfortable with being solo or it might not. #3 is not a place I'd find myself in, as I'm comfortable declining an invite I'm not interested in or feeling safe with, especially via tech.
What may be going on with her
it's long
From the jump she seemed to think this was not a solo hangout, since she thought gf would be there. That's a flag that she's not super comfortable solo but I understand thinking you've resolved it through the conversation. I'd probably have made my next invite to her a group invite in the double date sense.
However for number 3 you said she wanted him in town, and while he does live long distance so I get she was probably wanting to hang. It wasn't clear to me from that request if what she meant was for him to come or what she meant was for her to feel safe at someone else's place, specifically another guy's place. Going to someone's house can feel significantly less safe than being in a public space.
You answered the question she verbalized, but the intent behind that question was some combination of "I don't feel comfortable/safe at your place solo" and "I'd like to hang out with you, but with my boyfriend." At which point it's more incumbent on you to pivot the offer to something he could join in on, even if at another date or back off the original ask.
It's unspoken and it's not "fair" to insist you catch those cues but a lot of socializing is ensuring the comfort and understanding of the people involved. You didn't say anything that reassured her during that exchange and didn't catch that message during earlier ones though it sounds like it was consistent. Women in particular are socialized to be indirect and avoid confrontation and saying "No" explicitly both from childhood and by really negative reactions from men as they get older. (The whole, "I have a boyfriend"/wearing a ring method of not getting harassed at work or the bar is real.)
She may only be feeling indignant/uncomfortable with your offer because boyfriend made her feel that way (if he lives in a different country is it not obvious when he's in town?) and they could have weird relationship rules about being around people of different genders, but it's also possible she felt like the vibes were weird and your "no just you come solo" while well intended, was more fear inducing than offensive. (And people react to fear with anger.)
So your 3rd offer wasn't "wrong" but I might have gotten weird vibes from how you ultimately responded. I don't think you have to feel bad for the invite, but I think it's worth noting why going to still relatively new guy friend's place solo can feel unsafe and why she didn't feel like you got the message she was sending. Both people can be in right and wrong at the same time. Time of day, location, and who else is around all set up different amounts of (not necessarily romantic) intimacy and some people are quite uncomfortable with that for a wide variety of reasons.
Generationally there are Gen Z's with more hangups about these friendships than Millennials and vice-versa, it's not all or nothing. I'm not joking when I say we just had a fight among students because the guy had other girls following him on Insta. Jealousy sucks.
Edit: after further interaction, I don't blame her, and I think the flags are fairly obvious, even if OP was ultimately meaning well. I do find it interesting he didn't respond to this at all despite being all over the thread but you can't win them all. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Married woman here.
If I were trying to develop a friendship with someone who could potentially be a romantic partner, I would not have them to my house without my spouse there. Coffee or restaurant yes. Accessible bedroom, no.
May I ask two follow-up questions? You don't have to answer, and they're genuine curiosity.
This is ultimately my opinion. There are a... small handful of red (or maybe just orange) flags in your post re: romantic intention? But if I'm not analyzing your intent, since that's for you to decide, then I agree with your stated opinion.
This is ultimately an extremely "straight" problem to have, too. I'm a lesbian. If I'm in a relationship with a woman, do I not get to have female friends? Are bisexuals just in Friend Prison forever? It's all so silly and gendered and old-fashioned.
It's a bit vibes-based? You came off as a tad bit... defensive, I suppose. Like you're trying to justify to yourself why you really want her alone with you.*
If you have to "come clean" about something, it's kinda manipulation-y feeling.
This also feels, IDK, like a whole lot of justifying.
*Not in a crime way. I'm aware this sounded a little bit worse than I meant it, but I don't know how to fix it.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I feel that being very straightforward will help you understand.
Fundamentally I think the problem is that you aren't being honest - at least not with yourself. I find it impossible to believe that the genuine problem with her boyfriend coming to watch the movie was that it would be too tight of a fit. (I noticed, for instance, that there wasn't literally no room - you just thought it would be tight). Even if it was, there were no other solutions? You couldn't move your desk or bring a chair in from the kitchen or something?
I think this is much closer to the truth:
Whether you can admit it to yourself or not, I think you just didn't want the boyfriend around and felt the space thing was a convenient excuse.
I'm not saying you're secretly trying to hook up with this individual - I'm taking your stated desire to have more one on one female friends at face value. But fundamentally, the reason you're coming off as a bit awkward-veering-into-creepy is that you're not being honest with either her or yourself, and she can tell. As @themeerkat said, if you're "coming clean" about stuff, it's a sign that you're being manipulative.
Some people just operate with the couple as a single social unit. I think that’s cool. But you have to like both people. In this case they are long distance so that can’t happen all of the time. But you can’t force them to be separate.
Honestly? I wouldn't be comfortable being alone with you. I think we're supposed to meet up for coffee with your gf, she isn't there, and it's a misunderstanding? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but then you hit me with the 'I want to hang out more and become better friends' and I'm wondering how much of this entire one-on-one coffee date you engineered. You then invite me to dinner, I'm bringing company with me and "you're okay" with that. You want me to come alone to your apartment and you're less okay with that.
I'm fucking autistic, I can't read social cues, and you just raised almost every red flag I have. You went a bit past the edge of her comfort zone with the 'oops, my girlfriend wasn't coming' coffee date, and you keep escalating: come have a nice dinner alone with me, come Netflix and chill in my apartment. Either you're not seeing or you're not respecting the boundaries she's trying to set. Which means that she is never going to feel safe being alone with you because she won't be safe alone with you because you're not seeing or respecting her boundaries.
["She's never mentioned this!" you say. Yeah, well, what's that old truism: men are afraid women will laugh at them; women are afraid men will kill them. There's a subset of men who do not take rejection well, so you learn to be careful.]
All of this is especially an issue because she came from a middle eastern country, where women are often very much second class citizens, where men often feel free to take advantage of lone women who don't conform to their norms, and where women will be blamed and shamed for having been taken advantage of. And all of her suspicion / reactiveness will be compounded if she's ever been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted.
Honestly, if I were her, there's no way I'd ever be alone with you again. If we're meeting at your apartment for something, I'm arriving late, and I'm bringing a friend with me. Wherever we meet up, no matter how far away or unfamiliar with the area I am, I'm bringing my own transport because I'm not getting in a car with you. When we do meet up, I'm leaving early because I don't want to accidentally find myself the last person alone with you. If a group of us is meeting up at my place, a friend is going to stay at least an hour after you leave, possibly overnight, and if you "accidentally drink too much", I'm pouring you into an Uber and sending you home because you're not spending the night on the couch/in the spare bedroom.
I understand and appreciate the desire to form a wider and deeper social network, but your approach is not working with this person. Go back to group dates and stop trying to meet up with her alone.
Women are often wary of men, and being alone with men in the man's house. There's a reason for the common phrase that men are scared of rejection and women are scared of being murdered. It's not universal, but I gave you a long response on the topic, have you read it?
But lets say you're right, why are you upset when you also don't understand her?
I would be cautious assuming that everyone of a given generation are all in lockstep about how their relationships should work. Culture provides a basic template, but at the end of the day, people all have different personalities and will adapt the rules of their relationships to meet their needs. In every age group, you will see some relationships that are fiercely guarded, some relationships that are essentially open, and everything in between.
I am in my late 30s, so not quite in your age group (I do have friends and family I am close to in your age group, however), but I generally do not have any qualms hanging out one-on-one with male friends. Though my partner and I have a monogamous relationship, we have been hanging out one-on-one with friends of assorted genders (including even exes) for years.
However, if I in any way suspected that my partner would be uncomfortable with me hanging out with a particular friend in a particular scenario, I would not do it — even if he himself thought that his feelings were unjustified and he was encouraging me to go anyway. I just don't want to make him feel bad if I can easily avoid it, you know? (If he were a jealous sort of person, such that my own happiness would be hampered if I tried to never make him uncomfortable, then maybe I'd have to reassess. But that is not the case in our relationship.)
The other concern I might have is whether I feel comfortable hanging out one-on-one with a particular friend in a particular scenario. If I get the vibes that maybe this person could have a little bit of a thing for me (even if those vibes are incorrect), then I will probably feel uncomfortable visiting them alone in their home — and if that's the case, I will probably point to my relationship status when I back out of the invite.
As a general rule, I also don't like going to someone else's home for the first time when I am alone. I would much, much rather have a friend or my partner come with me for the first time — and possibly the first few times. I am just inherently uncomfortable in this kind of situation.
I think another issue you could be running into is that they are a long distance couple. Long distance relationships are inherently more shaky than traditional relationships, and that can cause the couple to cling to each other a bit tighter and to feel more uncomfortable with perceived threats to their relationship. When my partner and I were long distance, our standards were very different from what they are now; we were more nervous about the various ways that our relationship could fail, and we were a lot more conscious about doing anything that could make the other feel uncertain about our future together.
Not a woman, but I am in the same age range. I think it's maybe a bit optimistic to believe that our generation is beyond seeing attempts to have alone time with someone that fits your dating demographic as not suspicious. I'd say it's maybe more normal to have more diverse friend groups, but alone time is a different story. My wife has male friends, but I would be very weirded out if she was specifically invited to be alone in one of their homes and especially so if I was explicitly excluded.
Hello! I’m in a different age range, and not a woman, but I hope I can provide something other comments here haven’t.
I’m queer, and in particular I identify as aromantic and asexual, so I’m pretty used to relationships that are intimate in one way or another without taking on an explicitly romantic or sexual nature.
Navigating relationships is hard for everybody. We all are essentially driving blind, and rely on cultural knowledge and past experiences to guide us. There doesn’t exist some special set of rules that informs what is appropriate and what isn’t.
Neurodivergence
I’m also neurodivergent and fairly socially adept despite that. I don’t think neurodivergent people struggle socially because they don’t understand the rules. I don’t think anybody truly does. The research shows neurodivergents struggle to recognize facial expressions and body language queues, and therefore have a harder time gauging how somebody else is feeling in a moment. I think the struggle comes from neurodivergents having less signal to make social decisions, and therefore being more prone to make social mistakes.In my experience, people tend to assume the set of rules they are used to is the same as others’ rules, and so infer someone’s intentions based on their own interpretations. This is necessary; you can’t enter every new relationship from scratch.
It seems like you believed that since you were both in committed relationships, the nature of your relationship was obviously strictly platonic. That holds for some people (e.g., some just enjoy flirting with others), but not everyone is so generous with the benefit of the doubt. I think other comments mentioned how your behavior (inviting her to your living place alone, saying no to her boyfriend, emphasizing the 1-1 relationship, etc.) could be interpreted as romantic interest. I think (as do other comments) that these are well-understood conventions. Oops! Mistakes happen, and if you had no bad intentions, I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
I want to add this: If you want to do something that could be interpreted in a bad way due to social conventions, you need to explicitly call out the social convention and that it doesn’t apply here. This isn’t always enough, but it seems like a necessary piece to break the rules. I am an aroace person who likes to, for example: flirt, be emotionally vulnerable, go on 1-1 evening outings, etc. with friends. I use something along the lines of: “I know when X happens you are used to it meaning Y, but with me, my intentions are Z.” People genuinely really appreciate the sincerity (but! you have to not change your intentions without very, very explicit communication, otherwise you are now manipulating somebody).
I hope this helps, if not you, then somebody reading this post. Socializing well is a mixture of recognizing and conforming to the common social conventions and empathizing with how someone’s background might inform their individual experience. Honest, clear, and respectful communication is essential. At the end of the day, if you want to be a good friend, it’s about them, not you.