A day in the life of @Akir
The Setting
For the past two months I've been dealing with a lot of stress because I've been trying to balance two extremely challenging remote university classes at the same time as my work has been asking more hours of me. More work hours are usually good for me because my job doesn't pay all that well, but they can be challenging because sometimes I'm asked to teach classes that are just outside my area of experience, so I need to spend more time learning the details so I can answer student questions.
This is the last week of classes, so right now I'm extra stressed because I'm trying to finish the last week's worth of classwork. I've still got one assignment to do which I haven't really started because I can't make much sense of this week's material; it's due on Wednesday evening. So my plan was to wake up early, go to the gym to get my workout out of the way, and then go to the library to study until my class in the afternoon.
Last night I discovered the mask for my CPAP unit is broken, so I tried to go to sleep without it.
The Day
If you have sleep apnea then you already know what trying to sleep without a CPAP machine is like; it's a miserable experience. I woke up five times last night, and when I woke up I felt miserable. I took so long to get up because of that, even though I couldn't sleep past 6:30 or so, I didn't actually get to the gym until around 9:00. Today was supposed to be a cardio day to give my muscles a bit more time to rest from my more heavy resistance workouts, but even then I only managed to do 20 minutes of fairly light intensity before I was exhausted.
After that I took a seat to cool down and get the sweat dry before I went to do a massage chair session. I pulled up Tildes and saw that one thread that's making the rounds about being attractive. And I'll be real, it came at just the wrong time. I was super angry about it and I spent more than half an hour writing and deleting all the things I wanted to say. I'm legitimately happy for the poster, but every single word they said made me hate them in that moment. My theme for the past year or so has been learning to love myself, but reading that post made me legitimately feeling like I wasn't just terrifyingly ugly and unloveable, but permanently so. To give you the context for why I felt like that would take a novel's worth of text, so I'll omit the majority of that and just tell you that in spite of losing a great amount of weight, I am still grossly obese, and having been so fat before means that my body is permanently deformed in an extremely unattractive way that cannot be fixed without a series of surgeries that are far more money than I will realistically have within my lifetime given my career; heck, I've already given up on the possibility of retiring. if I had the body of someone who was always at my current weight, it wouldn't be that bad, but as things are my body looks like one of those novelty inflatable "sumo wrestler" costumes that have been half-deflated.
While I was spending that time processing my feelings, I finally decided to not respond to that topic at all and simply click on ignore so that I could get it out of my head. Unfortunately, there is no ignore buton in my head. But at that time I was filled with so much nervous energy I needed to find a way to get rid of those thoughts. It turns out the gym is a pretty perfect place to do that; I skipped the massage chair, took a caffeine tablet, and got on the elliptical again. I pulled up a video workout and worked out all of my anger ("60 RPM is moderate? Fuck you!"). Every time I made a wrong move and my arm fat slapped against my side fat, It gave me more fuel for the fire. It got me fired enough to get through the whole workout, another 25 minutes at a much higher intensity than before.
After cooling down and doing my recovery, I went into the locker room, stripped, and took a shower. Taking a shower in the gym is something that I do partially because I sweat a lot and don't want to make my car stink too much, but on a more personal level it's something that I do as a kind of personal therapy. To do so requires me to lose my self-consciousness and body issues, at least up to an extent. It makes me feel just a bit more normal.
Today someone else was taking a shower at roughly the same time, and they just so happen to have chosen a locker just a few feet away from me. When they finished, they took their clothes out of the locker and moved over to a different bench to change. The obvious assumptions would be that they were doing it because they were trying to respect our space, or it was their modesty or body shame. But let's just say that in the moment it didn't help me feel like I was normal.
After I got out of the gym I got a message from my employer saying I've got a new class scheduled. A good thing, I guess, since many of my other classes have run their course. I could really use the money, and with any luck the classes I'm taking next term are not going to be nearly as challenging.
The Rest of the Day
It hasn't even happened yet. It's not even noon. The title was a lie, I guess.
The question is, then, was this partial day representative of my life? For the most part, yes, it is. I think these thoughts and feel these feelings every day, and I go through the same affirmations and rationalizations to deal with them every day. Today was just a little bit more emotionally intense than normal.
So why did I decide to post it? To be honest, I don't entirely know. Maybe I'm still processing some of those feelings from reading that post that set me off today. Or maybe I just want to say something for people who are dealing with the same feelings. Maybe I'm even feeling a little bit guilty from the impostor syndrome given previous comments I wrote about self-love. But I'm not posting this because I want people to feel sorry for me, or because I need help coping with it. I'm a strong person, and I actually do have a good sense of self-worth and self-love even if it's constantly under threat of the other thoughts in my head. Maybe I'm just selfishly using this public space to process some of my own feelings, or I'm engaging in some twisted form of narcissism. I just hope that you, the one reading this now, have taken something from what I had to say.
What I got from it is that you're a thoughtful, self-introspective person. You're a whole universe of thoughts and emotions, hopes and ambitions, just like the rest of us. One of the most wonderful things about being human is our ability to share our inner-world with others, even if it's only a glimpse.
Though it's being pitted against self-doubt, your routine and your drive really shines through in your honesty here. Some people adorn themselves with hook-ups, but real sensitivity borne through personal development is the mark of a progressing and maturing person like you.
So hang in there; you're doing a great job!
(PS: Sorry about the CPAP mask! Hope you get a new one soon.)
I also read that attractiveness post and my thoughts were mostly just that at least he knows its because of how he looks now and he’s not like most people who just expect the world will always treat them that way and who don’t understand not everyone is treated that way.
I’m getting older, and less attractive as I age, and I’m just thankful that at least I was prepared for people to start to ignore me or get upset at me for no reason, at least I wasn’t still a child when it started to happen to me.
I’m sorry people treat you like that. I know what its like for the world to give you no grace.
Heh, I replied somewhere in that other post, including my own concerns about how people will treat me as I age, particularly in terms of career impacts.
I'm aware I'm not aging into a 'young for my age' look. While I can weather random social slights, I'm still going to need to make a living like everyone else when I'm 45.. 55.. 65.. Just commiserating on the aging aspect :)
Its been super weird for me cause I don’t really have the social skills to make up for it. When I was younger I didn’t have to try, people maintained friendships with me. Now I just spend a lot of time reading.
I really want to stress that I'm not upset at that person. I'm just upset about the parts of the world that they wrote about; being reminded of them burst my bubble.
It's not that I've got people left and right reminding me of how fugly I am. Heck, I rarely have people commenting on how I look, and those who do are telling me that I look good - or more precisely how I look better, which is it's own can of worms. But that conversation reminded me about those inner thoughts I've had on mute about how I'm perceived by others, and how it's probably the primary cause of all of my social anxiety and admittedly self-caused isolation.
Yeah of course, I just mean I kinda felt like that too a little, just reminded of the things I spend a lot of time trying not to think about.
The point of that post was to be thought provoking, so some of our negative thoughts were triggered.
I’m actually kinda going through a bit of self isolation too because I cant hold a job and maintain friendships at the same time, and my brains kinda been doing funky things since the isolation started. Like, I started having the ‘everyone hates me thoughts’ and I really seriously never had those before, its just this past year. I hoped it was the alcohol but I cut down on that and its still there, and thats scary. Scary how fast it happened. Have you ever managed to make that go away?
For me personally, it's less about thinking that people hate me as much as it is the fear that people might not like me, if that makes any sense. I've got a bunch of adverse childhood experiences that caused that. But the cure for a lot of mental issues tends to be "do the thing you don't want to do". So for me, it's talking to people and being social that makes me feel better. I can't say for sure if it will work for you but it's worth trying. But at the same time, I don't think that doing that is a solution. The real solution is trying to find the reasons why you're feeling that way and addressing it head-on.
Yeah, that makes sense. I never had any issues with that back when I was going out all the time.
I believe you, and I agree that you're a strong person who is clearly working every day to improve themselves. Which is often the most attractive thing anyone can do. So with that framing in mind, I offer you praise and support not because you need it, but because I'm having a fairly positive day and have extra support to spare (which is not always the case).
Thanks for posting this, Akir.
You're dealing with complicated feelings in a more mature manner than I have done, or capable of doing --- asterisk. I've been mulling over posting something here and held off for a while, on the surface because of the vulnerability it entails, but beneath that, because of the lack of acceptance of myself about this vulnerability. So, asterisk, hopefully, something I'm not capable of doing, for now.
I hope we all have days where we feel very good about ourselves, and days where maybe, not so much, but not too much in the other direction. A balance, perhaps, where we appreciate ourselves as easily and as generously as we do others, and days where we are grateful for those around us as we are grateful for ourselves.
I just wanted to say I appreciate you sharing your experiences. What you’re going through is hard and stressful, and those feelings are often easier to repress than to process.
I relate to a lot of what you wrote. As a teenager, I dropped out of school to raise my kid brother, working split shifts while studying for my GED. Years later, I finished my undergrad and grad degree while working full time and raising kids. When my youngest turned one, I realized I’d given so much to work, school, and family that my health was suffering—and it took a lot of effort to turn that around. You’re right: the excess skin doesn’t disappear, and neither do the feelings or the memories from years of stress and fighting for every scrap.
I’m not saying this as a “you can do it” pep talk, but as a mix of cautionary tale and encouragement. If you keep working, you will make progress: on career, weight, and school. But you might need help along the way. Whether that’s advice on career or school, managing stress, or dealing with feelings of unfairness, it’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes we don't have people in our life that we feel we can talk to. And unlike Blanche in "A Streetcar Named Desire", sometimes it really is okay to depend on the kindness of strangers. So please do share when it is helpful to do so.
Take care.
You've reminded me of my grandmother. She was always asking to help me out by giving me money. I never really needed it, though. A year or two ago, she died, and she left me an inheritance. It wasn't a lot in the scheme of things, but it ended up being life changing money for me. It was enough money to quit my stupid underpaying and over-stressing job that had me taking commutes which could be as long as two hours one-way. In contrast to my old thankless job, my new job teaching is very satisfying because I'm making a direct impact on young people's lives. So while, yes, I am stressed, I'm still more-or-less where I want to be. And honestly, part of that stress is because I'm not sacrificing my health. I'm spending an average of roughly an hour a day in the gym.
The whole reason why I'm taking university classes is because I'm working on a baccalaureate's so I can become a substitute teacher in the public school system (assuming it hasn't blown up before I graduate). But one thing's for sure; next summer I'm taking a sabbatical from the school that costs me money so I can focus on the school that pays me money!
The one bit of help that I'd like to have is finding reliable people to proctor my exams. I'm not allowed to pay people to do it. I know one person who would actually do that for me, and they told me literally two days ago that they would probably not be available for any of the four days that the exam is open on. But I can't really ask that kind of thing online because they would have to be someone who is both local and trustworthy.
That sounds stressful, the proctor. Can a local librarian do this kind of thing? I'm just imagining if I had to do it, I would probably ask a non profit person who's sitting at a desk most day anyway if they mind?
I’ve already asked. They gave me a list of paid proctoring services, which I cannot use.
I’m not sure if this type of advice is welcome, so I’ll apologize in advance if this is something you have no interest in.
There is a peptide, GHK‑Cu, that is showing promise for skin tightening for loose skin secondary to weight loss. On /r/peptides you can find some mind blowing before and afters.
Peptides are the new thing, and they are controversial. Excluding sema/tirzep you don’t hear many people discussing the wide amount of therapies becoming available.
You can get GHK‑Cu legally with medical supervision at medspas, likely for a high price (still cheaper than surgery).
Or…you can access it on the grey market for a very affordable price, but of course I can’t actually recommend that to you because it comes with risks so do your own research to make an informed choice if you do choose to go down that path.
spoiler
I personally get my peptides via grey market and have tried quite a few types of peptides with absolute killer results for each one. No I won’t give sources on tildes, sorry, don’t want to break rules…or be the reason that the site has to introduce a new rule lol :)Thank you for letting me know about this. I think I'll ask my doctor about it. I don't have a high opinion on med spas (which still sound like a joke to me), and random amazon "medications" seem even more sketchy, but I think it might be something I can ask my doctor about. I'm a bit worried it will have negative reactions with my medications.
I would be surprised if your doctor knows what I’m taking about.
Med spas can absolutely be sketchy, there are plenty of bad ones. But, as with all services- there are fantastic ones as well that maintain high standards of care. You just have to vet them out and go with a highly rated reputable place.