21 votes

If you’re wondering why you’ve lost friends in adulthood, this is probably why

28 comments

  1. [15]
    dubteedub Link
    For those wondering what the answer is since the title is a bit clickbait, it is being flaky

    For those wondering what the answer is since the title is a bit clickbait, it is being flaky

    What a lot of people don’t appear to understand is that the single easiest way to make friends is to show up when it matters — and the single easiest way to lose friends is to, well, not.

    That sounds obvious, but a pattern I’ve observed again and again among the people in my social circle (a social circle that skews young and urban, to be clear) is that they often don’t have close, meaningful friendships. They want them, but they aren’t willing to go out of their way to dedicate time and effort to developing these relationships.

    23 votes
    1. [8]
      demifiend Link Parent
      Vox's brand is pretty much "woke clickbait".

      Vox's brand is pretty much "woke clickbait".

      17 votes
      1. [7]
        dubteedub Link Parent
        I like most of their '[topic], explained' series and think they provide pretty well researched articles generally.

        I like most of their '[topic], explained' series and think they provide pretty well researched articles generally.

        9 votes
        1. [6]
          demifiend Link Parent
          Don't get me wrong. I don't mind reading Vox, but I'm not gonna lie to myself about what I'm reading. It's clickbait for people who think they're woke.

          Don't get me wrong. I don't mind reading Vox, but I'm not gonna lie to myself about what I'm reading. It's clickbait for people who think they're woke.

          5 votes
          1. [5]
            Spel Link Parent
            Why is it clickbait?

            Why is it clickbait?

            2 votes
            1. [2]
              najodleglejszy Link Parent
              you don't think that "If you’re wondering why you’ve lost friends in adulthood, this is probably why" counts as clickbait?

              you don't think that "If you’re wondering why you’ve lost friends in adulthood, this is probably why" counts as clickbait?

              8 votes
              1. Spel Link Parent
                I was not referring to the title, but rather Vox in general. If we look at their main headlines right now they are the following: Doesn't seem like clickbait is a defining characteristic to me.

                I was not referring to the title, but rather Vox in general. If we look at their main headlines right now they are the following:

                Hawaii is facing a rare threat: a major hurricane

                Trump’s tweet echoing white nationalist propaganda about South African farmers, explained

                Juul, the vape device teens are getting hooked on, explained

                The $30 trillion reason Republicans won’t turn on Trump (and here they specify that the $30 trillion reason is the stock market in whatever the text unde the title is called)

                What’s next for Mueller’s investigation after Manafort’s conviction?

                In Fox interview, Trump seems to confess a campaign finance violation while trying to deny it

                House Democrats just previewed how they’d investigate Cohen’s allegations if they win

                How scientists are trying to predict your future with your genes

                Doesn't seem like clickbait is a defining characteristic to me.

                8 votes
    2. [6]
      Algernon_Asimov Link Parent
      ... feel free to read the article for yourselves and find out.

      For those wondering what the answer is

      ... feel free to read the article for yourselves and find out.

      1. [4]
        dubteedub Link Parent
        When there is a clickbait title like this one, I think a lot of folks typically like to know what "the one simple answer" or "that one trick that will blow your mind" is before digging into the...

        When there is a clickbait title like this one, I think a lot of folks typically like to know what "the one simple answer" or "that one trick that will blow your mind" is before digging into the article to see if it is worth their time.

        12 votes
        1. a_wild_swarm_appears Link Parent
          When I see clickbait titles like that I just assume the article is trash and move on.

          When I see clickbait titles like that I just assume the article is trash and move on.

          7 votes
        2. [2]
          Algernon_Asimov Link Parent
          So, you're our "TL;DR bot"? I think that we can expect people to actually read articles here on Tildes, where we're hoping for high-quality discussion of those articles. Let's not follow Reddit's...

          So, you're our "TL;DR bot"?

          I think that we can expect people to actually read articles here on Tildes, where we're hoping for high-quality discussion of those articles. Let's not follow Reddit's lead, where most people commenting on an article have read only the headline or a TL;DR.

          1 vote
          1. TenThousandSuns Link Parent
            So you're our "Let's not be Reddit" bot? I've read the article, it's not great or informative and a summary is appreciated.

            So you're our "Let's not be Reddit" bot?

            I've read the article, it's not great or informative and a summary is appreciated.

            12 votes
      2. StellarTabi Link Parent
        I use websites like Tildes so I don't have to read every single high-noise/low-signal pay-per-word ad-filled shit articles that don't work on mobile just to acquire one sentence of nearly obvious...

        I use websites like Tildes so I don't have to read every single high-noise/low-signal pay-per-word ad-filled shit articles that don't work on mobile just to acquire one sentence of nearly obvious and vacuous information.

        3 votes
  2. [10]
    spit-evil-olive-tips Link
    One big thing I've run into as I get older (I'm in my early 30s) is that my friend group, never huge to begin with, seemed to divide firmly into people who have kids and those who don't. I think...

    One big thing I've run into as I get older (I'm in my early 30s) is that my friend group, never huge to begin with, seemed to divide firmly into people who have kids and those who don't.

    I think this matches what's described in the article about taking the time to show up - from my perspective as someone without kids, my friends with kids rarely have any free time, have to arrange babysitters, and so on. And I'm sure from their perspective it's much easier to arrange something with other parents who have kids in a similar age range, so the kids can play together while the adults talk.

    14 votes
    1. soc Link Parent
      Not just that, but "has money" and "doesn't have money." As much as I hate that it ends up this way, relationships which cross socioeconomic boundaries are riddled with landmines if you are not...

      Not just that, but "has money" and "doesn't have money." As much as I hate that it ends up this way, relationships which cross socioeconomic boundaries are riddled with landmines if you are not very well acquainted to begin with. Even just inviting someone over to your nice house, and offering them nice wine and premium food can come off as boastful if you aren't careful about it. But at the same time, trying to play down those things just because you think someone is "more of a hotdog and beer person" rather than a "ribeye and wine person" seems just as snobby.

      And then there's the whole minefield of when they invite you over to watch the game at their place, which is a cramped apartment with three roommates and no place to sit. Again, even just thinking about the decision as comfort versus sociability feels snobby. It's shit like this which makes me withdraw entirely sometimes - I just don't have the energy to get inside my own head like that.

      7 votes
    2. Cyhchan Link Parent
      This is something I'm really afraid of. I deeply value my friendships and want to hang out with friends as much as I used to but I simply don't have as much freedom anymore. It requires so much...

      One big thing I've run into as I get older (I'm in my early 30s) is that my friend group, never huge to begin with, seemed to divide firmly into people who have kids and those who don't.

      This is something I'm really afraid of. I deeply value my friendships and want to hang out with friends as much as I used to but I simply don't have as much freedom anymore. It requires so much more planning, I can't stay out as much as I used to because everyday is an early day.

      And I'm sure from their perspective it's much easier to arrange something with other parents who have kids in a similar age range, so the kids can play together while the adults talk.

      For sure. Usually the timing of dates align a lot better too. I'm sure it's one of the reasons why parents selfishly want everyone to have kids too.

      6 votes
    3. [3]
      Comment deleted by author
      Link Parent
      1. Gaywallet Link Parent
        The key thing here is whether or not you like kids. If you like kids and are willing to hang out with them while they are also hanging out with their kids, they'll practically be begging for you...

        The key thing here is whether or not you like kids. If you like kids and are willing to hang out with them while they are also hanging out with their kids, they'll practically be begging for you to come hang out. Even more so if you help them out, even in small ways, with their kids (playing with them, grabbing stuff they need like paper towels when the kid spills things, etc.).

        3 votes
      2. Catt Link Parent
        I find being flexible really helps. When a lot of my friends started having kids, we stopped going to coffee shops and stayed in a bit more. And generally, they can't hang out for as long. I'm...

        I find being flexible really helps. When a lot of my friends started having kids, we stopped going to coffee shops and stayed in a bit more. And generally, they can't hang out for as long.

        I'm pretty lucky, I have friends that will make the effort to see me (and without their kids) so we can honestly chat and catch up. Of course, this is often really rigidly scheduled, so I give it more priority too, knowing that I can be more flexible than they can be.

        2 votes
    4. [5]
      crius Link Parent
      The with child / without col child doesn't change only the availability. I found the basically every one of my (now ex) friends without child also remain in a kind of perpetual teenager phase when...

      The with child / without col child doesn't change only the availability.

      I found the basically every one of my (now ex) friends without child also remain in a kind of perpetual teenager phase when it comes to view on discussions.

      And I'm not taking about their positions only but also the willingness to change their views.

      Not saying that it is a specific traits but that in my personal experience I find that is more common to see rigidity due to their "principles" in people that don't have kids.

      It makes hard to enjoy time with someone if that someone is pretty adamant about everything to the point of ending up arguing until we switch topic.

      2 votes
      1. [4]
        Catt Link Parent
        I do find the conversations definitely shift too. When my friends started having kids, especially if there were more than two of them together, all topics became about children. Even ones that...

        I do find the conversations definitely shift too. When my friends started having kids, especially if there were more than two of them together, all topics became about children. Even ones that really don't. For example, I'm a gamer and someone threw me a bone during one of these kid discussions and asked about a Dota competition or something. It was fun for a bit, and then shifted to parenting ideas on how much gaming should a child be allowed and so on.

        I find they don't mean to, but it just happens.

        I also find a few years later, conversations shift back a bit and become more balanced.

        5 votes
        1. [3]
          crius Link Parent
          Oh yeah, the first years all a parent can think is how a topic have relation to its experience as parent. It normalize after some time. Basically when it realise that if it keep thinking about its...

          Oh yeah, the first years all a parent can think is how a topic have relation to its experience as parent.

          It normalize after some time. Basically when it realise that if it keep thinking about its kids 24/7 there would be some major mental breakdown coming soon :)

          3 votes
          1. [2]
            Catt Link Parent
            I love the way that you put it! I don't know why, but it made me laugh. It just seems so true.

            I love the way that you put it! I don't know why, but it made me laugh. It just seems so true.

            1 vote
            1. crius Link Parent
              Eh, i had passed that phase I talk about. Survivors either joke about it or wander the streets mumbling about parent/teacher meetings.

              Eh, i had passed that phase I talk about.

              Survivors either joke about it or wander the streets mumbling about parent/teacher meetings.

              1 vote
  3. [2]
    demifiend Link
    Not wondering at all, but thanks. I know exactly why I don't have friends as an adult. I can't be bothered to put in the effort. I never bothered, even as a child.

    Not wondering at all, but thanks. I know exactly why I don't have friends as an adult. I can't be bothered to put in the effort. I never bothered, even as a child.

    3 votes
  4. jlpoole Link
    Much of the advice given causes me to think about something found less and less these days: etiquette.

    Much of the advice given causes me to think about something found less and less these days: etiquette.

    2 votes