I recently changed my views on the idea of having kids. I was never really opposed to it, and, when they're after a certain age (3, I guess...), I'm actually quite good with kids. To me, being a...
I recently changed my views on the idea of having kids. I was never really opposed to it, and, when they're after a certain age (3, I guess...), I'm actually quite good with kids. To me, being a father was always something to celebrate. However, it was also never a life goal. I'd be happy either way. Truly. I never took any concrete steps towards it.
I've been living with my fiancée for a year now, and we were together for about a year before that. Starting a relationship during the pandemic was no joke, but also a source of great joy. And I was able to give emotional support when someone very close died (not from COVID). This year's experiences kinda put our relationship at an accelerated pace. Unlike me, my SO has an immense desire to have kids. This is something I have trouble understanding, but also respect. In our not so young age, not having kids brings her an overwhelming sense of frustration. That scared me a bit at first. I told her in no uncertain terms that I did not share that desire, at least not to that degree. She was fine with it, so we remained together.
Something changed in the last few months that is hard to pin down. Maybe I got to know my SO better and realized she would be a great mother. Maybe I realized some things about myself that made me think I'd be up to the challenge. Maybe being with someone for whom the idea of parenting is a real possibility made me think more about what could be positive about the experience. Maybe I just wanna make her happy.
In any case, without really talking about it, we haven't used any kind of birth control for the past six months. On one hand, I'm just a horny bastard. On the other, I believe this has to do with a semi-conscious desire to become a father at some point.
We went to a fertility doctor. Two days ago, I did my business in a cup, cause maybe there's something wrong with my swimmers.
On the surface, we're just checking our options so we can make an informed decision. Maybe freeze our reproductive material for later? IDK a lot about how these things work.
As I said, we're not that young, and we shouldn't wait too long (or at all, according to the doctor). Just in case there's a problem with our systems, I've been looking up how adoption works in my country. Maybe get a neurodivergent kid, just because I'm neurodivergent as well and I think my experience would come in handy. Also, normality is not really my cup of tea. Don't know, maybe it's just a crazy thought.
In any case, I guess this means I'm very much invested in it now, but I didn't tell her that just yet. I worry about giving her hope only to disappoint her later on.
But I'm pretty sure I want a kid now. Not sure why or for what purpose. Maybe I just wanna make some happy memories for all of us, as a family. And be a positive influence on my kid's moral and intellectual growth. These are good reasons, right?
I think that if I ever changed my mind about wanting kids, I’d go the adoption route. Unless my partner could somehow incubate our child, lol. Pregnancy is just not something I’m interested in at...
I think that if I ever changed my mind about wanting kids, I’d go the adoption route. Unless my partner could somehow incubate our child, lol. Pregnancy is just not something I’m interested in at all. I’d also much rather adopt an older (4-10 y/o) child, since I find babies rather boring. (Sorry, parents. I’m sure your baby is the best!)
I agree with your sentiment. While I'd of course do everything in my power to guarantee their well being, babies don't evoke strong sentiments in me. That is something we discussed when talking...
I agree with your sentiment. While I'd of course do everything in my power to guarantee their well being, babies don't evoke strong sentiments in me.
That is something we discussed when talking about adoption.
Why must you know about your own reproductive system first? Seems like the status of your own reproducibility wouldn't be a factor in electing to adopt or not.
First we must know from the doctor if everything is okay with our reproductive system.
Why must you know about your own reproductive system first? Seems like the status of your own reproducibility wouldn't be a factor in electing to adopt or not.
Of course not and everyone has their own opinions on the matter, but seems to me that if the decision is between bringing another child into the world and potentially saving one from a life in a...
Of course not and everyone has their own opinions on the matter, but seems to me that if the decision is between bringing another child into the world and potentially saving one from a life in a universally loathed foster system it's a relatively easy one to make if the choice to raise children has already been made.
I don’t think that’s an easy choice to make, and that’s coming from somebody who would likely adopt if I ever wanted kids. Adoption comes with its own set of challenges, not all of which people...
I don’t think that’s an easy choice to make, and that’s coming from somebody who would likely adopt if I ever wanted kids. Adoption comes with its own set of challenges, not all of which people are ready to tackle. It’s also (from what I understand in doing cursory research for myself) a long and tedious process wherein the adoption agency grills you, your friends, and your family about your ability to be parents.
Unfortunately there are some very real monsters out there so the bar to be effectively handed a child is relatively high. One could argue that a lack of willingness to go through that process in...
Unfortunately there are some very real monsters out there so the bar to be effectively handed a child is relatively high. One could argue that a lack of willingness to go through that process in order to adopt could be a reflection on the amount of effort someone is willing to put into parentage. I'm sure it's something the adoption agencies consider as a way of weeding out those unwilling to do the work needed to raise a child.
Well, yeah. But I'm not a good person and there are selfish reasons to consider as well. Also, many women really wanna go through the experience of gestating a child. I'm not sure I'd call that...
Well, yeah. But I'm not a good person and there are selfish reasons to consider as well. Also, many women really wanna go through the experience of gestating a child. I'm not sure I'd call that selfish, but here you go.
Dealing with multiple ill people in the family who are depending on me for care, I have been hollowed out. I have no energy to be upset or worried, let alone happy or joyful. All I can do is...
Dealing with multiple ill people in the family who are depending on me for care, I have been hollowed out. I have no energy to be upset or worried, let alone happy or joyful. All I can do is persevere, wait for people to recover or die, and then work to put a new life together afterwards. I have no energy to spend that isn't spoken for, months in advance.
My grandmother is slowly losing her mind in her old age and even though I'm not the one taking care of her I'm getting similar feelings, so I can understand the depths of what you're feeling. In...
My grandmother is slowly losing her mind in her old age and even though I'm not the one taking care of her I'm getting similar feelings, so I can understand the depths of what you're feeling. In some ways it's worse than if they were to be suddenly taken from you. It's hard to hold on to hope.
When you get this 'hollowed out' feeling, it's not because you're not feeling emotions. It's because you're feeling all of them at once. So take some personal time to experience those feelings. Be angry, be upset, be sad, feel regret, and most importantly remember and memorialize the good memories that are at the heart of your pain.
On the lighter side compared to other posts here: I've pretty much entirely switched from beer to whiskey, at least while drinking at home. Knowing how much the, generally higher quality, liquor I...
On the lighter side compared to other posts here: I've pretty much entirely switched from beer to whiskey, at least while drinking at home. Knowing how much the, generally higher quality, liquor I buy for home consumption costs I have a hard time swallowing, pun intended,, the price of many cocktails while dining out, so it's frequently still beer if I want a drink with dinner.
While I've enjoyed whiskey for quite some time, I still mostly consumed craft beers for the pleasure of drinking (and a buzz) and vodka (cocktails) for a buzz for many many years. The vodka was largely replaced by whiskey over the last several of years (I can't recall the last time I even opened the bottle of vodka that I have), but I still have a relatively robust collection/cellar/pantry of beers that I was working through. However, even those haven't been touched in at least a year and don't see myself doing so as my at home alcohol consumption has become almost entirely whiskey. Be it straight, on the rocks (there is no right way to drink whiskey, so don't let anyone tell you such lies), in a Whiskey Mule, Gold Rush (wonderful pairing of my honey and whiskey infatuations), or just mixed with a good lemonade, has managed to replace both the desire for a buzz from vodka and the pleasure of drinking from beer. Enough so that I've ever-so-slightly rekindled my desire to build a bar to house it all (and the thought makes me reminisce about a house with a beautiful built in bar and party room my wife and I almost purchased when house shopping a few years back, but decided we'd rather not die), instead of the counterspace my whiskey currently occupies. I suppose that bar building desire can be solved by clearing out the beer collection in the pantry and I could just await inheriting the gorgeous antique bar that my mother-in-law possesses when she inevitably moves to Colorado and into a likely smaller home.
And secondly, I'm sure it's because of changes in my own microbiome, beer has started to just give me absolutely insane levels of incredibly-offensive-to-even-my-own-nasal-passages flatulence over the last few years. To the point that ordering a beer while out to dinner with friends has limited my choices to only things I absolutely want to try or already know is worth the side effects. If I'm drinking a beer at home it's always accompanied with simethicone (OTC anti-gas medication) and if I'm going out where I'm likely to order beer I'll try to remember to take one preemptively. Yet I've found fewer and fewer beers to be worth the hassle and/or singeing of nose hairs.
So yeah, whiskey. At the moment I'm working through a very large bottle of Knob Creek 9 year that my wife bought me for xmas and I've switched my mixer whiskey from Very Old Barton to Evan Williams Bottled in Bond as the former was really only good for mixers while the latter is actually passable just on the rocks if I'm not in the mood for a cocktail, but want to continue a buzz without over-consuming my more expensive stuff. On the subject of the more expensive stuff, while picking up some bottles as a thank you for my fence guys (had a new fence put in and they did a wonderful job) I sampled an absolutely exquisite whiskey from a local distillery called Balcones. It's a single malt, single barrel, 127 proof, whiskey aged 4 years in Madeira casks and I'm looking forward to cracking it open once my Knob Creek is empty. I also picked up a bottle of their "spirit" (since it meets neither the legal definition of rum) called Rumble which is made with Texas wildflower honey, Mission figs, and turbinado sugar as I'm a sucker for the first ingredient and a fan of all the rest; so we'll see how that turns out. Grabbed 50ml samplers of their other standard offerings to try as well which include their flagship single malt whiskey, an aged blue corn whiskey (80% corn minimum), a 100 proof 100% rye whiskey, and their bourbon offering. Here's hoping something other than the limited release Madeira aged whiskey is worth keeping on the shelf as once that bottle is gone it's unlikely I'll see another and I'd like to keep local whiskey in my rotation.
Though the causes likely encompass a range of things, I've been experiencing the same thing the last few years. In particular ones with lactose, but also others. I'm considering switching to sake...
beer has started to just give me absolutely insane levels of incredibly-offensive-to-even-my-own-nasal-passages flatulence
Though the causes likely encompass a range of things, I've been experiencing the same thing the last few years. In particular ones with lactose, but also others. I'm considering switching to sake as my go-to, mostly because the process intrigues me and I want to make some batches.
Additionally, I'm running a personal experiment this week (no drinks at all) to see if my body's increasing intolerance to beers is linked to a persistent ongoing eczema outbreak on my neck and shoulders that has plagued me for 3+ years now. Results are unclear so far, as it's also still cold out and the humidity is low.
I had an interesting birthday last weekend. I don't really celebrate them or do anything special usually, but family came down to visit since some of the younguns have birthdays the same week. I...
I had an interesting birthday last weekend. I don't really celebrate them or do anything special usually, but family came down to visit since some of the younguns have birthdays the same week. I got a few wierd comments about my hair and my skinnyjeans when I got to my mums place, but aside from that we had an unexpectedly nice time watching one of those bruce willis geezer teaser films he's been pumping out lately and made fun of it the entire way through (seriously check his imdb page out sometime) and then spent the rest of the night talking about this film and that, favourite film by that actor, worst films we've seen, rambling back and forth for hours like that.
I've never really been that close with anyone other than my brother, but it was nice to spend time with them and connect in a casual way like that. I don't think I'm ready to come out to them, especially not the grandparents but moments like that go a long way towards feeling like it wouldnt go terribly. Like, the comments I got about my hair were probably more to do with the fact that its just sooo much longer than the last time they'd seen me and less to do with how i was wearing it.
That was the saturday and on the sunday I wanted to go to the shops but slept in too late and things were already starting to close, so i walked further into town and had my first instance of someone gendering me correctly through boymode (or at all, even). I didnt even have a mask on at that point and still, some guys doing construction on a house realised their van was taking up the entire path and did the whole "sorry luv", checked the traffic behind, and let me know it was safe to step into the road and around the van. Who would have thought that a random builder would give me such a touching birthday gift, even if unintentional. I'm actually exctatic!
So this last week has felt kind of surreal. Not as emotionally out of touch with family anymore, and clearly i've changed enough that my boymode is starting to fail. Although I'm still kind of dreading the social part of transitioning.. I'd hoped that I could put it off until I moved into a place with a little more privacy since I dont want my housemates noticing names changing on letters and deliveries. But I've gotten a taste now and I dont feel as intimidated by that side of things anymore and that's with only a crumb of validation.
All in all, I kinda got used to being in a bit of a rutt so this week has kinda snapped me out of it and I'm starting to get back into bodyweight exercises and intermittant fasting. It's crazy how much more willing you are to take care of yourself when you already feel good. Also I think bc I'm been lowkey obsessing over my progress I didn't notice how big of a change there's actually been. Like, last year I lost 20kg and if I didn't have one of those scales that log and make a graph for me then i wouldnt have beleived it. Gradual changes are easy to miss and all it took was a little reality check to make me go back through some old pictures and realise how far I've actually come this last year.
I've changed from an active, relatively healthy person to a cranky, achy, aging grump. My mental health isn't great - on the most depressed days, I'm not sure it's worth enduring the ongoing...
I've changed from an active, relatively healthy person to a cranky, achy, aging grump. My mental health isn't great - on the most depressed days, I'm not sure it's worth enduring the ongoing physical decline of my body and the world at large.
I finally got through the COVID delays, health insurance red tape, and general life mayhem to get the other hip replaced a couple of weeks ago. It's quite remarkable how quickly you can bounce back from this surgery (or at least if you get it 20 years younger than the average patient).
I'm already in less pain, able to walk, climb stairs, and starting to work out on the elliptical trainer again. No-go for leg press weightlifting yet, but everything else is allowed, and I'm trying to make the best of it.
Medical marijuana has been a big part of the recovery. Both the orthopedic surgeon and the rheumatologist have been very accepting of this; the orthopedic surgeon was gobsmacked that I didn't use opiates at all after the surgery. But it's difficult to use just enough edibles for good sleep, while remaining alert and unimpaired during working hours.
I'm still fighting fatigue, intermittent fevers, and other joint pains. The unavailability of hydroxychloroquine during the COVID madness set me back pretty badly, and my hands are in increasingly poor shape. Joint replacements for fingers and wrists are not good options. Basic lab work is still badly delayed in my area, and the rheumatologist has been waiting a couple of weeks for results of some specialized tests that might identify a better treatment. The latest diagnostic rap sheet also includes Sjogren's syndrome, so my eyes aren't tolerating long periods of screen work, and frequent hoarseness and difficulty swallowing are just the icing on the cake. I've been looking at assistive keyboards, voice-to-text, and even eye-tracking for the days when it's just too painful to type. I'd welcome any advice from the community (I'll likely post a separate topic) - Dragon Naturally Speaking and other voice recognition tools suck for terminal work.
Otherwise, life continues in its expected course. I've got relatives in Ukraine that I'm struggling to stay in touch with; it's a running bitter joke that I've been warning them about Putin since his 2007 Munich speech. I've become so fatalistic about the state of the world that I just periodically shovel money at refugee aid groups and turn off the news.
Yesterday was my last day at a job that has been crushing my spirit since about October 2020. Knowing I was coming to the end of my time there had a profound effect on every aspect of my life. I...
Yesterday was my last day at a job that has been crushing my spirit since about October 2020. Knowing I was coming to the end of my time there had a profound effect on every aspect of my life. I feel like I've de-aged about four years. I've started to seek out social contact again, I do hobbies on a whim instead of having to schedule them in a deliberate effort to bolster my mental health. Everything about me is improved.
I made a comment a few days ago about how I’m teaching myself to drive. I’ve been driving all over the place now (Tuesday was the first day I ever drove out in the street). And I feel confident...
I made a comment a few days ago about how I’m teaching myself to drive.
I’ve been driving all over the place now (Tuesday was the first day I ever drove out in the street). And I feel confident behind the wheel now, and I think with maybe one more week of practice I can pass my drivers test.
All of that has changed something in my brain. I feel different. Not being able to drive was a large part of my identity. Always asking people for rides, having to walk everywhere. And that part of my identity has now been shattered.
I honestly regret not driving when I was a teenager (not that it was up to me as I said, I didn’t really have a choice). And I think a reason why I’m able to pick up driving quicker now is because I’m older. But it really does feel like I missed out on a big part of my life not being able to drive. Not having that freedom. And something in my mind is trying to figure that out. Because in a way I do feel like a teenager again. It feels like this monologue from Lady Bird.
I'm starting driving lessons this coming week. I wonder if I'll feel the same way you do. I certainly identify with the whole "not being able to drive" being part of one's identity -- though it's...
I'm starting driving lessons this coming week. I wonder if I'll feel the same way you do. I certainly identify with the whole "not being able to drive" being part of one's identity -- though it's less exceptional here in Belgium.
I'm hoping I'll be able to get my license right away, as I do not intend to particularly drive a lot… I'm just catching up.
I recently changed my views on the idea of having kids. I was never really opposed to it, and, when they're after a certain age (3, I guess...), I'm actually quite good with kids. To me, being a father was always something to celebrate. However, it was also never a life goal. I'd be happy either way. Truly. I never took any concrete steps towards it.
I've been living with my fiancée for a year now, and we were together for about a year before that. Starting a relationship during the pandemic was no joke, but also a source of great joy. And I was able to give emotional support when someone very close died (not from COVID). This year's experiences kinda put our relationship at an accelerated pace. Unlike me, my SO has an immense desire to have kids. This is something I have trouble understanding, but also respect. In our not so young age, not having kids brings her an overwhelming sense of frustration. That scared me a bit at first. I told her in no uncertain terms that I did not share that desire, at least not to that degree. She was fine with it, so we remained together.
Something changed in the last few months that is hard to pin down. Maybe I got to know my SO better and realized she would be a great mother. Maybe I realized some things about myself that made me think I'd be up to the challenge. Maybe being with someone for whom the idea of parenting is a real possibility made me think more about what could be positive about the experience. Maybe I just wanna make her happy.
In any case, without really talking about it, we haven't used any kind of birth control for the past six months. On one hand, I'm just a horny bastard. On the other, I believe this has to do with a semi-conscious desire to become a father at some point.
We went to a fertility doctor. Two days ago, I did my business in a cup, cause maybe there's something wrong with my swimmers.
On the surface, we're just checking our options so we can make an informed decision. Maybe freeze our reproductive material for later? IDK a lot about how these things work.
As I said, we're not that young, and we shouldn't wait too long (or at all, according to the doctor). Just in case there's a problem with our systems, I've been looking up how adoption works in my country. Maybe get a neurodivergent kid, just because I'm neurodivergent as well and I think my experience would come in handy. Also, normality is not really my cup of tea. Don't know, maybe it's just a crazy thought.
In any case, I guess this means I'm very much invested in it now, but I didn't tell her that just yet. I worry about giving her hope only to disappoint her later on.
But I'm pretty sure I want a kid now. Not sure why or for what purpose. Maybe I just wanna make some happy memories for all of us, as a family. And be a positive influence on my kid's moral and intellectual growth. These are good reasons, right?
I think that if I ever changed my mind about wanting kids, I’d go the adoption route. Unless my partner could somehow incubate our child, lol. Pregnancy is just not something I’m interested in at all. I’d also much rather adopt an older (4-10 y/o) child, since I find babies rather boring. (Sorry, parents. I’m sure your baby is the best!)
I agree with your sentiment. While I'd of course do everything in my power to guarantee their well being, babies don't evoke strong sentiments in me.
That is something we discussed when talking about adoption.
And elected to not adopt, I take it? Mind if I ask why?
We haven't made any decision yet. First we must know from the doctor if everything is okay with our reproductive system.
Why must you know about your own reproductive system first? Seems like the status of your own reproducibility wouldn't be a factor in electing to adopt or not.
Just a matter of knowing the available options before reaching for a decision, really. This is not something to take lightly.
Of course not and everyone has their own opinions on the matter, but seems to me that if the decision is between bringing another child into the world and potentially saving one from a life in a universally loathed foster system it's a relatively easy one to make if the choice to raise children has already been made.
I don’t think that’s an easy choice to make, and that’s coming from somebody who would likely adopt if I ever wanted kids. Adoption comes with its own set of challenges, not all of which people are ready to tackle. It’s also (from what I understand in doing cursory research for myself) a long and tedious process wherein the adoption agency grills you, your friends, and your family about your ability to be parents.
Unfortunately there are some very real monsters out there so the bar to be effectively handed a child is relatively high. One could argue that a lack of willingness to go through that process in order to adopt could be a reflection on the amount of effort someone is willing to put into parentage. I'm sure it's something the adoption agencies consider as a way of weeding out those unwilling to do the work needed to raise a child.
Well, yeah. But I'm not a good person and there are selfish reasons to consider as well. Also, many women really wanna go through the experience of gestating a child. I'm not sure I'd call that selfish, but here you go.
Dealing with multiple ill people in the family who are depending on me for care, I have been hollowed out. I have no energy to be upset or worried, let alone happy or joyful. All I can do is persevere, wait for people to recover or die, and then work to put a new life together afterwards. I have no energy to spend that isn't spoken for, months in advance.
Your loved ones are lucky to have you in their lives.
My grandmother is slowly losing her mind in her old age and even though I'm not the one taking care of her I'm getting similar feelings, so I can understand the depths of what you're feeling. In some ways it's worse than if they were to be suddenly taken from you. It's hard to hold on to hope.
When you get this 'hollowed out' feeling, it's not because you're not feeling emotions. It's because you're feeling all of them at once. So take some personal time to experience those feelings. Be angry, be upset, be sad, feel regret, and most importantly remember and memorialize the good memories that are at the heart of your pain.
On the lighter side compared to other posts here: I've pretty much entirely switched from beer to whiskey, at least while drinking at home. Knowing how much the, generally higher quality, liquor I buy for home consumption costs I have a hard time swallowing, pun intended,, the price of many cocktails while dining out, so it's frequently still beer if I want a drink with dinner.
While I've enjoyed whiskey for quite some time, I still mostly consumed craft beers for the pleasure of drinking (and a buzz) and vodka (cocktails) for a buzz for many many years. The vodka was largely replaced by whiskey over the last several of years (I can't recall the last time I even opened the bottle of vodka that I have), but I still have a relatively robust collection/cellar/pantry of beers that I was working through. However, even those haven't been touched in at least a year and don't see myself doing so as my at home alcohol consumption has become almost entirely whiskey. Be it straight, on the rocks (there is no right way to drink whiskey, so don't let anyone tell you such lies), in a Whiskey Mule, Gold Rush (wonderful pairing of my honey and whiskey infatuations), or just mixed with a good lemonade, has managed to replace both the desire for a buzz from vodka and the pleasure of drinking from beer. Enough so that I've ever-so-slightly rekindled my desire to build a bar to house it all (and the thought makes me reminisce about a house with a beautiful built in bar and party room my wife and I almost purchased when house shopping a few years back, but decided we'd rather not die), instead of the counterspace my whiskey currently occupies. I suppose that bar building desire can be solved by clearing out the beer collection in the pantry and I could just await inheriting the gorgeous antique bar that my mother-in-law possesses when she inevitably moves to Colorado and into a likely smaller home.
And secondly, I'm sure it's because of changes in my own microbiome, beer has started to just give me absolutely insane levels of incredibly-offensive-to-even-my-own-nasal-passages flatulence over the last few years. To the point that ordering a beer while out to dinner with friends has limited my choices to only things I absolutely want to try or already know is worth the side effects. If I'm drinking a beer at home it's always accompanied with simethicone (OTC anti-gas medication) and if I'm going out where I'm likely to order beer I'll try to remember to take one preemptively. Yet I've found fewer and fewer beers to be worth the hassle and/or singeing of nose hairs.
So yeah, whiskey. At the moment I'm working through a very large bottle of Knob Creek 9 year that my wife bought me for xmas and I've switched my mixer whiskey from Very Old Barton to Evan Williams Bottled in Bond as the former was really only good for mixers while the latter is actually passable just on the rocks if I'm not in the mood for a cocktail, but want to continue a buzz without over-consuming my more expensive stuff. On the subject of the more expensive stuff, while picking up some bottles as a thank you for my fence guys (had a new fence put in and they did a wonderful job) I sampled an absolutely exquisite whiskey from a local distillery called Balcones. It's a single malt, single barrel, 127 proof, whiskey aged 4 years in Madeira casks and I'm looking forward to cracking it open once my Knob Creek is empty. I also picked up a bottle of their "spirit" (since it meets neither the legal definition of rum) called Rumble which is made with Texas wildflower honey, Mission figs, and turbinado sugar as I'm a sucker for the first ingredient and a fan of all the rest; so we'll see how that turns out. Grabbed 50ml samplers of their other standard offerings to try as well which include their flagship single malt whiskey, an aged blue corn whiskey (80% corn minimum), a 100 proof 100% rye whiskey, and their bourbon offering. Here's hoping something other than the limited release Madeira aged whiskey is worth keeping on the shelf as once that bottle is gone it's unlikely I'll see another and I'd like to keep local whiskey in my rotation.
Though the causes likely encompass a range of things, I've been experiencing the same thing the last few years. In particular ones with lactose, but also others. I'm considering switching to sake as my go-to, mostly because the process intrigues me and I want to make some batches.
Additionally, I'm running a personal experiment this week (no drinks at all) to see if my body's increasing intolerance to beers is linked to a persistent ongoing eczema outbreak on my neck and shoulders that has plagued me for 3+ years now. Results are unclear so far, as it's also still cold out and the humidity is low.
I had an interesting birthday last weekend. I don't really celebrate them or do anything special usually, but family came down to visit since some of the younguns have birthdays the same week. I got a few wierd comments about my hair and my skinnyjeans when I got to my mums place, but aside from that we had an unexpectedly nice time watching one of those bruce willis geezer teaser films he's been pumping out lately and made fun of it the entire way through (seriously check his imdb page out sometime) and then spent the rest of the night talking about this film and that, favourite film by that actor, worst films we've seen, rambling back and forth for hours like that.
I've never really been that close with anyone other than my brother, but it was nice to spend time with them and connect in a casual way like that. I don't think I'm ready to come out to them, especially not the grandparents but moments like that go a long way towards feeling like it wouldnt go terribly. Like, the comments I got about my hair were probably more to do with the fact that its just sooo much longer than the last time they'd seen me and less to do with how i was wearing it.
That was the saturday and on the sunday I wanted to go to the shops but slept in too late and things were already starting to close, so i walked further into town and had my first instance of someone gendering me correctly through boymode (or at all, even). I didnt even have a mask on at that point and still, some guys doing construction on a house realised their van was taking up the entire path and did the whole "sorry luv", checked the traffic behind, and let me know it was safe to step into the road and around the van. Who would have thought that a random builder would give me such a touching birthday gift, even if unintentional. I'm actually exctatic!
So this last week has felt kind of surreal. Not as emotionally out of touch with family anymore, and clearly i've changed enough that my boymode is starting to fail. Although I'm still kind of dreading the social part of transitioning.. I'd hoped that I could put it off until I moved into a place with a little more privacy since I dont want my housemates noticing names changing on letters and deliveries. But I've gotten a taste now and I dont feel as intimidated by that side of things anymore and that's with only a crumb of validation.
All in all, I kinda got used to being in a bit of a rutt so this week has kinda snapped me out of it and I'm starting to get back into bodyweight exercises and intermittant fasting. It's crazy how much more willing you are to take care of yourself when you already feel good. Also I think bc I'm been lowkey obsessing over my progress I didn't notice how big of a change there's actually been. Like, last year I lost 20kg and if I didn't have one of those scales that log and make a graph for me then i wouldnt have beleived it. Gradual changes are easy to miss and all it took was a little reality check to make me go back through some old pictures and realise how far I've actually come this last year.
I've changed from an active, relatively healthy person to a cranky, achy, aging grump. My mental health isn't great - on the most depressed days, I'm not sure it's worth enduring the ongoing physical decline of my body and the world at large.
I finally got through the COVID delays, health insurance red tape, and general life mayhem to get the other hip replaced a couple of weeks ago. It's quite remarkable how quickly you can bounce back from this surgery (or at least if you get it 20 years younger than the average patient).
I'm already in less pain, able to walk, climb stairs, and starting to work out on the elliptical trainer again. No-go for leg press weightlifting yet, but everything else is allowed, and I'm trying to make the best of it.
Medical marijuana has been a big part of the recovery. Both the orthopedic surgeon and the rheumatologist have been very accepting of this; the orthopedic surgeon was gobsmacked that I didn't use opiates at all after the surgery. But it's difficult to use just enough edibles for good sleep, while remaining alert and unimpaired during working hours.
I'm still fighting fatigue, intermittent fevers, and other joint pains. The unavailability of hydroxychloroquine during the COVID madness set me back pretty badly, and my hands are in increasingly poor shape. Joint replacements for fingers and wrists are not good options. Basic lab work is still badly delayed in my area, and the rheumatologist has been waiting a couple of weeks for results of some specialized tests that might identify a better treatment. The latest diagnostic rap sheet also includes Sjogren's syndrome, so my eyes aren't tolerating long periods of screen work, and frequent hoarseness and difficulty swallowing are just the icing on the cake. I've been looking at assistive keyboards, voice-to-text, and even eye-tracking for the days when it's just too painful to type. I'd welcome any advice from the community (I'll likely post a separate topic) - Dragon Naturally Speaking and other voice recognition tools suck for terminal work.
Otherwise, life continues in its expected course. I've got relatives in Ukraine that I'm struggling to stay in touch with; it's a running bitter joke that I've been warning them about Putin since his 2007 Munich speech. I've become so fatalistic about the state of the world that I just periodically shovel money at refugee aid groups and turn off the news.
Yesterday was my last day at a job that has been crushing my spirit since about October 2020. Knowing I was coming to the end of my time there had a profound effect on every aspect of my life. I feel like I've de-aged about four years. I've started to seek out social contact again, I do hobbies on a whim instead of having to schedule them in a deliberate effort to bolster my mental health. Everything about me is improved.
That's fantastic! I'm so glad you're out of that situation.
I made a comment a few days ago about how I’m teaching myself to drive.
I’ve been driving all over the place now (Tuesday was the first day I ever drove out in the street). And I feel confident behind the wheel now, and I think with maybe one more week of practice I can pass my drivers test.
All of that has changed something in my brain. I feel different. Not being able to drive was a large part of my identity. Always asking people for rides, having to walk everywhere. And that part of my identity has now been shattered.
I honestly regret not driving when I was a teenager (not that it was up to me as I said, I didn’t really have a choice). And I think a reason why I’m able to pick up driving quicker now is because I’m older. But it really does feel like I missed out on a big part of my life not being able to drive. Not having that freedom. And something in my mind is trying to figure that out. Because in a way I do feel like a teenager again. It feels like this monologue from Lady Bird.
It’s kind of hard to describe.
I'm starting driving lessons this coming week. I wonder if I'll feel the same way you do. I certainly identify with the whole "not being able to drive" being part of one's identity -- though it's less exceptional here in Belgium.
I'm hoping I'll be able to get my license right away, as I do not intend to particularly drive a lot… I'm just catching up.