I_Like_Turtles's recent activity
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Comment on What are your cooking experiments that haven't turned out well? in ~food
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Comment on Headphone recommends that actually block out voices in ~tech
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentFourthing this. A single pair of Etymotics ER4s have been my go to mobile headphones for the last 10 years and they're the best isolating headphones I've ever used because they are essentially...Fourthing this. A single pair of Etymotics ER4s have been my go to mobile headphones for the last 10 years and they're the best isolating headphones I've ever used because they are essentially earplugs when fitted correctly.
I can ride the central line East of Liverpool Street (London, UK), generally regarded as an excruciatingly loud journey and not really hear anything except my music. Well worth the money.
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Comment on Desktop CNC recommendations? in ~hobbies
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentI was in the discord for about 4 months before I decided to build. Took about 2 months from deciding to build to having most of the major parts (self-sourcing everything) and another 3 or so to...How long did it take you to build it and start milling?
I was in the discord for about 4 months before I decided to build. Took about 2 months from deciding to build to having most of the major parts (self-sourcing everything) and another 3 or so to complete the build enough to get a serial.
Do you remember what your rough total cost to build was?
I'm in the UK but my rough cost was around £1500. I went for a more expensive VFD, spindle and slightly bigger motors though. The enclosure looks like it'll be another £300-400.
How long do most of your cuts/machining programs take on the mill? Just to get an idea of how long it will run at one time.
I haven't run any on it longer than about 10 mins in one go but that's because I'm a CAM newbie, and that's where all my learning effort is going right now.
How long it'll run depends on the spindle you have and whether it's air or liquid cooled.
Do you need to have really high precision when building it in order to get dimensionally accurate output from it? (And I mean like within 1mm of the target dimension on cuts.) I know that's often a big thing in the CNC world.
It's pretty easy to build and there are printable tools to help rail alignment.
1mm accuracy on this shouldn't be too difficult on these, I'm within that on mine with no special effort put in to aligning everything. Tramming can be done with 1-2-3 blocks and a dial test indicator. Metal structural parts and thoroughness when putting together will obviously help.
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Comment on Desktop CNC recommendations? in ~hobbies
I_Like_Turtles (edited )LinkI've built a millennium machines milo v1.5. It's a mix of 3d printed parts (ASA / ABS) and aluminium extrusions similar to a 3d printer but can be made capable of milling aluminium and even...I've built a millennium machines milo v1.5. It's a mix of 3d printed parts (ASA / ABS) and aluminium extrusions similar to a 3d printer but can be made capable of milling aluminium and even someone has even tested with steel. The structural 3d printed parts can be replaced with aluminium parts milled on the machine itself, so there's a clear upgrade path to full metal components where it counts.
It's early days (there's only about 20 serialed machines so far) but it's a great project and if you can build a 3d printer you can build a Milo ready for learning about CAM.
The millennium machines discord is where all the action happens, happy to link if you're interested. Same if you have any questions I'd be happy to answer.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2023) in ~health.mental
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentI understand the draw towards hermitude as I've definitely felt it before, but it's something that now, I'm not sure is realistic (for me at least). Soon after quitting it felt like I needed to...I understand the draw towards hermitude as I've definitely felt it before, but it's something that now, I'm not sure is realistic (for me at least).
Soon after quitting it felt like I needed to get away from everything. I felt almost... oppressed, unable to think outside the bounds of my "career" and when you suddenly don't have the demands of that anymore it made me feel like I needed to run away.
I spent the first year riding around Europe on a motorcycle on my own which was an incredibly solitary and in hindsight, stressful experience, but absolutely necessary to break the mindset I held previously.
Where my head is at right now is realising that I do need to participate in society in at least some manner, but how and when and how much I do that is my choice.
The pressures that I felt before to have a "good career" and progression, earn well and be able to buy anything I want to pale in comparison to having good physical and mental health, a strong, healthy relationship and an actual enjoyment and... want for life that I just never really felt before.
I have even less idea now of what I want to do and somehow I'm happier for it.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2023) in ~health.mental
I_Like_Turtles (edited )Link ParentI could've written this myself. 2 years in August since I quit after 12 years of tech work (networks, devops, cloud stuff), and while I enjoy the technical / thinking aspect, I have zero drive to...I could've written this myself. 2 years in August since I quit after 12 years of tech work (networks, devops, cloud stuff), and while I enjoy the technical / thinking aspect, I have zero drive to go back to almost anything my professional skillset is used for.
I spent the first year or so travelling, and I've spent this year playing about - rebuilt a motorbike engine from nothing (and the rest of the bike, including spraying it), I built a small desktop CNC mill, I'm learning how to 3D model and generate tool paths for use with the CNC. I've spent a bunch of time with my nieces and my parents, neither of which I had much time for while I was working.
I've done a bit of cat sitting and dog sitting, a bit of consultancy work when it was available (less than 20h total though), spent a bunch of time working through some childhood / relational trauma and met someone at a friend's wedding a couple of months ago and so far it's going really well.
But my "fuck you money" bank account is starting to look unhealthy and I'm going to have to find some actual work pretty soon, and the thought of it almost makes me sick.
How do I find something I can get paid for which isn't just contributing to the same shit, making money for investors / management while actively making the world a worse place? 🤔
GF suggested (marine!) compass making but I'm not sure there's a big market there (and I lack a number of skills 😂). Lots of thinking to be done.
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Comment on Plexamp is now available for free in ~tech
I_Like_Turtles (edited )LinkThought I'd give it a shot as I use tidal currently for listening on Android, but I don't have my own Plex server right now and the app refuses to progress unless you have a "music library", which...Thought I'd give it a shot as I use tidal currently for listening on Android, but I don't have my own Plex server right now and the app refuses to progress unless you have a "music library", which I assume requires talking directly to Plex server.
This is counter to their doco that suggests you can just use it for streaming from tidal, unfortunately.
E: Okay you have to link your account to your Plex account, documentation could do with some work here but it's clearly because they want you to sign up for tidal through Plex which I can't really blame them for.
https://plex.tv/users/other-services account can be linked here for anyone else trying this like me.
App works great now, only obvious annoyance I've found is it doesn't look like playlists can be sorted (I usually sort tracks by most recently added).
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Comment on Women, what kind of emotional sensitivity do you generally like in your partner? in ~life.women
I_Like_Turtles LinkFlip the genders and read what you posted again. If a woman treated me (as a guy) in the deeply uncomfortable, abusive ways outlined in both of the hypotheticals, I would feel incredibly hurt,...Flip the genders and read what you posted again.
If a woman treated me (as a guy) in the deeply uncomfortable, abusive ways outlined in both of the hypotheticals, I would feel incredibly hurt, betrayed and in all honesty would probably shut down and lose any feelings I had towards that person in an instant.
The correct answer is neither. Neither of these people are behaving appropriately towards people they should be considering an equal.
They both have work to do to understand where their behaviour stems from and what they need to work on to avoid perpetuating their own trauma to others.
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Comment on Anyone here like motorcycles? in ~transport
I_Like_Turtles LinkPassed my motorbike test back in 2015 after riding scooters in Vietnam (near Sa Pa) with a couple of friends. One of my pals had just passed his test and pushed me into getting my license so he...Passed my motorbike test back in 2015 after riding scooters in Vietnam (near Sa Pa) with a couple of friends. One of my pals had just passed his test and pushed me into getting my license so he had someone to ride with, and it's the best thing I've ever done.
My first bike was an Aprilia Dorsoduro 750 which was, as expected, Italian as fuck (in the colder months you'd have to turn the lights on 10 minutes before you wanted to leave to warm the battery up, even with a brand new battery. Hasn't Piaggio heard of auto-decompression mechanisms?!). Anyway, that bike died a death when I got rear-ended by a lorry at about 15mph. I was lucky that I didn't get injured and had another bike (with the insurance money) within a month.
I bought a Husqvarna 701 Supermoto and one of my friends introduced me to green laning (here in the UK that means riding dirt trails that are classified as legal roads). Eventually I changed the supermoto wheels out for a 21" / 18" setup and that is how the bike has stayed up until now.
In 2021 I quit my job to go ride it around trails in the south west of Europe (the TET and ACT amongst others, for anyone familiar).
I beat on that poor bike for almost a year before getting flat out bored of riding 8 hours a day every single day (the first 3 months were entirely without a break). Brought the bike back to the south of the UK and spent the next 9 months doing a full engine rebuild and going through it with a fine tooth comb (first engine rebuild I've ever done myself).
There's still a couple of bits I'm not finished with yet, but currently in the process of putting my supermoto wheels back on so I can maybe do a trip to Scotland in a month or two.
Bikes are so good for my mental health, and from a social aspect bikers are some of the best, and most diverse people I've ever met.
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Comment on LGBT introductions thread: What's your story? in ~lgbt
I_Like_Turtles (edited )Link ParentInteresting that you should mention demisexuality. I've obviously heard the term before but never really looked into what it meant in any depth, so just had a bit of a read. Hmm. I've never had...Interesting that you should mention demisexuality. I've obviously heard the term before but never really looked into what it meant in any depth, so just had a bit of a read. Hmm.
I've never had any doubts about my gender identity or sexuality in the most basic sense (straight male), but I... actually don't think I have ever experienced what is apparently primary sexual attraction.
Whether that is demisexuality or not I couldn't tell you - and for me the label itself doesn't really matter - but I do feel like there's a "safety" aspect to it.
When I am emotionally bonded with someone, I feel "safe" to feel, and therefore express, sexual attraction towards them. In my mind, expressing those sorts of things is a vulnerability and if I don't have a sense of safety then I simply can't (read: don't) feel it.
If someone then removes that sense of safety by breaking my trust, there is a high chance that I simply lose the ability to feel sexual attraction towards them, and finding it again is very, very difficult and involves rebuilding that trust.
Not to bring attachment theory into another thread (seems to be the only thing I post about here!) but to me at least, these two things might be linked. Thanks for the food for thought, and another aspect of "me" to explore.
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Comment on What was the last event that significantly improved your life? in ~talk
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentHey, cool! It's a great read, and there's a reason I recommended it, which is that it is one of the few books about attachment trauma and the attachment styles that does not flat out villainize...Hey, cool!
It's a great read, and there's a reason I recommended it, which is that it is one of the few books about attachment trauma and the attachment styles that does not flat out villainize avoidance - but it is just one book, and there's a lot of good information out there if you find you enjoyed it.
I know if I had read one of the less compassionate texts about it I might not have continued exploring and learning more about it.
I actually gave it to my mum and within about 5 minutes she was like "It's you! This one here is you!", which is not what I was hoping she would realise - but at the end of the day we only have a responsibility to heal ourselves, and we can't always drag others along with us!
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Comment on What was the last event that significantly improved your life? in ~talk
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentIf it helps any, one of the key parts of attachment theory is essentially that these behaviours are learned incredibly early and then reinforced throughout our childhood, teens and even adulthood....If it helps any, one of the key parts of attachment theory is essentially that these behaviours are learned incredibly early and then reinforced throughout our childhood, teens and even adulthood.
They essentially become emotional reflexes - and if you've ever tried to override a physical reflex, you'll understand why it's so hard to override emotional reflexes as well.
I had the same issue with asking for help, and even though I was able to rationalise consciously that asking for help was not weakness, it was not the conscious "me" (the ego) stopping me from seeking therapy. It was the subconscious emotional reflex trying to save me from being hurt again. As with almost everything, the first step is always the hardest.
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Comment on What was the last event that significantly improved your life? in ~talk
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentI learned that there's names for things I was feeling for a good chunk of my adult life. I always understood that I didn't connect with people the way I saw others connect, I wasn't driven towards...- Exemplary
I learned that there's names for things I was feeling for a good chunk of my adult life. I always understood that I didn't connect with people the way I saw others connect, I wasn't driven towards relationships or intimacy (emotional or otherwise), and it made me feel like an outcast, like I was missing something that just came naturally to other people. I felt broken and incapable of feeling, a robot. My self worth was intrinsically linked to my inability to connect with others at the emotional level that I wanted, and thanks to suppressing my own needs for the benefit of others I never even understood that having needs (like even a need for emotional connection) was OK.
I tried, during my late teens and 20s to form friendships and relationships with people but it was like I reached an... intimacy wall that I was never able to cross.
It turns out I had no idea what emotional safety is and I was unable to exist in the world without a persona that protected the "real" me.
But I didn't know how to explain that to people, I didn't know how to talk about my own emotional life and I was scared of any sort of vulnerability with others because of the mistaken belief that all vulnerability ends in pain.
Attachment theory, to me, is a sort of "unifying" theory that glues together a bunch of observations I made of my own existence and emotional state in a manner that allowed me to finally make sense of it and take steps towards changing things. It made me realise that how we feel and how we connect to people are not static, they are learned behaviours, and that means they can be adjusted over time.
It doesn't apply to everything but I've found it relevant in quite a lot of areas of my life, both professionally and personally.
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Comment on Experiences with emotions (do you feel them often, and how to feel more emotions?) in ~talk
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentAh you're welcome, thanks for sharing! Part of my own healing process at the beginning was finding out that there was a bunch of attachment theory / trauma subreddits (specifically...Ah you're welcome, thanks for sharing! Part of my own healing process at the beginning was finding out that there was a bunch of attachment theory / trauma subreddits (specifically /r/dismissiveavoidants for me), and reading about other's struggles that felt so familiar really helped me to understand that I wasn't even close to alone, even though I felt like it to start with.
It was almost like a model of emotional safety over the internet, perpetuated by total strangers, and full of such compassion and empathy that it made me see how far my own existence was from being truly "safe".
Me speaking about this in some senses is paying that compassion and empathy forward, because of how important it was to me at the beginning. It's also pretty cathartic and the more I talk about my own situation, the more I understand things about myself further. In that sense, there is a sort of selfish aspect to it, but I justify that by the thinking that we need to be emotionally available and regulated for ourselves before we can be emotionally available and regulated for others.
In a sense, we are all in this together, and that is why sometimes you also need to focus on yourself first.
You mention vulnerability in itself feeling crappy and dangerous - this is almost like a core belief for avoidant people. "If I am vulnerable, I will be hurt".
When you're a child, this makes perfect sense - watching my young nieces, they seem to experience physical and emotional hurt very similarly - crying, sadness, maybe some shame and looking for a caregiver figure to seek comfort from - whether that is from falling over and scraping a knee, or my inadvertently telling one of them that she hasn't quite got the timing down yet for a good "floss" (dance).
When you're young and you can't separate the cause of the hurt into "actually dangerous to life" vs "uncomfortable but survivable", your brain ends up treating them all the same - creating neural pathways and learned, subconscious behaviour that form the core of your beliefs around safety, and what you do in response to that. Avoidant people learn to avoid that emotional pain by suppression, just like you might avoid burning yourself on a hot pan by not touching the hot pan.
They essentially become emotional reflexes, and that is why they're so deeply ingrained and hard to work with.
When you are vulnerable, that really is when people can shit on you, break you, hurt you, do whatever to you.
This really stood out to me, because it is something I would've said (or at least thought) a couple of years back, and it is true. People can do all of those things to you when you're vulnerable, and it fucking sucks when they do. But there's other things they could do instead (and when you find the right people, they will). They could comfort you. Hold you. Listen to you. Cheer you up. Express their own positive emotions about how you enrich their own existence.
That is connection, and the fear that comes from not wanting to be vulnerable with others is completely valid, especially when you can look back at all the times in the past you were vulnerable with someone and you were hurt because of it.
What's key to remember is that as an adult, most people are good, most people want to connect, and most people struggle with connecting with others as well (something like 60% of the adult population are classed as insecure attachers). Those who hurt you in the past probably didn't do it maliciously (abuse aside of course), rather they were unaware of their own toxic patterns.
Connecting with others involves some level of risk of hurt, even if all parties have no deliberate intention of causing hurt to the other. Accepting that good people can hurt each other, and be hurt by each other, even in the context of a functional relationship or friendship really helped me to reach over the fear I had of being vulnerable.
Anyway I'm rambling now and I could talk about this sort of stuff for days (and have!). Thanks for the great topic and for interacting with all of the replies so positively.
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Comment on Experiences with emotions (do you feel them often, and how to feel more emotions?) in ~talk
I_Like_Turtles Link ParentMuch like me before finding out about attachment theory! If you're looking for some reading material, "The Power of Attachment" by Diane Poole Heller was life changing for me.I don't even have the words
Much like me before finding out about attachment theory!
If you're looking for some reading material, "The Power of Attachment" by Diane Poole Heller was life changing for me.
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Comment on Experiences with emotions (do you feel them often, and how to feel more emotions?) in ~talk
I_Like_Turtles (edited )LinkYou aren't alone, and I suspect it's very common. Like @aksi, it feels like I started to really shut down emotionally during my teenage years. My conclusion as to why is that I did not feel safe...You aren't alone, and I suspect it's very common. Like @aksi, it feels like I started to really shut down emotionally during my teenage years. My conclusion as to why is that I did not feel safe to express the emotions I was feeling because when I did express them, they were dismissed by the people around me.
I remember being really sad about certain (appropriate) things when I was a child. The first time I caught a fish and then had to kill it, it caused me immense sadness at the fragility of life, and at the fact that simply by being a predator I had the power to choose whether another living animal were to live or die. My dad / grandparents' response was essentially to laugh and proclaim "get over it".
I experienced other incidents which were not outright abuse or assault, but came pretty close, and they screwed with my idea of what bodily autonomy I was entitled to as a young man - the idea that to some people I could just be a piece of meat for them to gratify themselves with and my own emotions on the matter were irrelevant.
It is natural when we're young to reach out when we're hurt - both physically and emotionally - but if you reach out when you're in pain and are then caused more pain by the responses of those you reached out to (e.g. because your caregivers deem your emotions misplaced, overly dramatic, or irrelevant), you learn very quickly that outward expression of your emotions comes at a cost. You learn this when you're growing up because it keeps you safe, but in adulthood the definition of "safe" changes.
As a child, "safe" is literally being not eaten / killed by predators. It's not being neglected by your parents before you're able to fend for yourself. Realistically we live in a society, so these animal instincts are mostly misplaced because in general children are not allowed to be neglected / abandoned / killed.
The techniques that are "programmed" into us by our interactions with those around us as children, and that we use subconsciously to keep ourselves safe can actually be pretty damaging as time passes, and for me this is absolutely where I struggled.
Side note: I like the term programmed because it removes blame. It's easy to think that damaging behaviour from caregivers and peers places the blame squarely on them, but the reality is that everyone, unless they become aware of their own patterns, is guilty of this in some respect. Parents who emotionally traumatise their children are almost always just repeating the same emotional damage that was inflicted on them by their own parents. Everyone tries to not pass on the damage that they are aware of to their children, but that leaves the damage they are unaware of, and sometimes they even flip so far in the opposite direction to their own parents that they end up causing a bunch of emotional trauma anyway.
Not being able to feel strong feelings makes you incredibly effective within high stress environments (work, leadership, emergency situations etc), but it also makes you a brick wall - some level of vulnerability is necessary to connect with others but if you have been taught that emotional vulnerability leads to pain or shame then you won't ever be able to truly connect with people, or express your needs. Even being able to identify that you have needs might be an issue.
You mentioned in one of your other replies around finding emotional safety, and that was absolutely key for me. It started out by finding a therapist that I clicked with, where I could share everything I was struggling with, with no judgement.
It continued by trying meditation and grounding techniques. I believe emotions are simply another sense - an input to the ego, or the conscious "you", but it also feels like there's a feedback loop there. Emotions can trigger physical "symptoms" that come from e.g. anxiety, or arousal, or excitement. By consciously re-acquainting yourself with what you can feel through touch, heat, sound, vision, smell etc it can help you to become more aware of the physical ways that you feel in response to something - that something might be an emotion that itself you can't feel (because you're suppressing it) but the physical symptoms are right there.
For me this was really important to identify that I was actually anxious and hyper-vigilant a lot of the time, even though I felt calm and collected - it was almost my natural state of being. The "persona" that I put out into the world was a mask, a curated version of myself where my inner life was protected by a shell that was actively managed.
Turns out that over long periods of time, curating a persona is incredibly tiring and you can't uphold adult relationships if you're constantly controlling what you put out into the world in fear that others will find you "too emotional" or "too soft" or "not manly enough" or anything like that.
After talking to my therapist for around 6 months, the things I had learned and read (including about attachment theory) started to naturally come up in conversations with other people - and for whatever reason I started sharing things with those people that a year prior I probably would've been sick even thinking about doing so.
There was a threat that my feelings would be dismissed again, and that has happened since, but the overwhelming response from almost everyone that I've entrusted my fears / emotional vulnerabilities to has been empathy, caring and compassion - and that has gone a very long way to helping me to find that emotional safety innately.
I now feel, personally that I am pretty emotionally resilient - my feelings and emotional experience matter to me and that is what makes them valid - sometimes people are not able to meet me at the level I need, but that is a statement about them rather than whether my own emotional needs are valid or not.
I still have to remind myself a lot not to over-analyse, and to try and live in the moment, and to actually feel feelings, but whereas a couple of years ago it might take me 2 or 3 weeks to realise why a particular incident made me feel shame, or hurt, or anger, I can now pretty reliably identify it at the time or shortly after.
Good luck on your own personal journey - it is not easy at all (particularly the decision to start therapy if you're anything like me - proud, stubborn and brought up to believe that every man is an island), but it is some of the most rewarding self-improvement I've experienced.
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Comment on What was the last event that significantly improved your life? in ~talk
I_Like_Turtles LinkI suppose as a single event it was when I ended my first real adult relationship, which was the trigger for learning about attachment theory (at age 35) and gaining some understanding into why I...I suppose as a single event it was when I ended my first real adult relationship, which was the trigger for learning about attachment theory (at age 35) and gaining some understanding into why I struggled to connect with people either platonically or romantically.
It's an ongoing self improvement journey, but simply having the words to use to talk about the things I'd struggled with my entire adult life has gone a very long way towards changing my outlook, my opinion of myself and my need to connect with others.
The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller was a pretty life changing read for me.
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Comment on What are you 3D printing now? What setup do you have? What issues are you running into? in ~hobbies
I_Like_Turtles LinkI'm currently running a modified Ender 5 plus that's gone through a bunch of iterations to make it more effective for large nozzle / high speed prints. It's now direct drive, using an E3d Hemera...I'm currently running a modified Ender 5 plus that's gone through a bunch of iterations to make it more effective for large nozzle / high speed prints. It's now direct drive, using an E3d Hemera with a Volcano hotend.
It's not perfect (print quality is limited by the rigidity of the X axis with such a heavy hotend / extruder setup) but with a .6mm nozzle it can lay down a kilo of plastic in under 12 hours at an acceptable quality for functional parts.
I mostly print PETG because it's great for functional (less rigid) parts without needing an enclosure.
My biggest project so far, I completed last week - printed all the parts to build a Millennium Machines Milo v1.5 - it's a small CNC mill that's capable of machining Aluminium at decent accuracy and can machine it's own parts to improve rigidity further.
Having both additive and subtractive manufacturing capability is a new world for me and I'm looking forward to working out how to combine them.
I now realise I can machine the parts required to turn my E5P into CoreXY so that might be a design effort soon!
Funnily enough, white wine was apparently the missing ingredient in my Bolognese. Historically I've never cooked with alcohol as I no longer drink it, but the gf keeps a bottle around for Risotto and the odd evening drink and I boiled off about 150ml with the mince one day and that was that.
Instant flavours straight after first cook, which is surprising as it usually takes an overnight in the fridge and reheat for the flavours to really come out.
As for recent kitchen experiments, I decided to make Shokupan (Japanese Milk Bread) a couple of days ago. It came out as a good bread considering I generally don't bake at all and I used a handheld electric mixer without dough hooks and an opened packet of yeast, but it definitely was not Shokupan. So going to be taking another stab at it soon with some lessons learned :)