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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2023)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I'm alive. I have a roof over my head, a decently stocked refrigerator, a decent job. I made a pact with myself, and got the semi colon tattoo to drive it home, that I would never end things. I've been exploring my sexuality, and my humanity, and have lost my immediate family because of it. My womb and sperm donors have disowned me because they are Christofascist Trump followers.
Living alone only makes the situation that much more difficult. I have online friends, but I also suffer from pretty severe anxiety, so going out is a monumental task. My depression nest reached a critical mass, and in the last couple weeks, I've slowly been trying to half ass cleaning it, because it's better than whole ass-ing nothing.
Thank you for listening.
Only half of my family is part of the cult of maga, but it's definitely strained things for me too. I can't pretend to know how much of an impact it's had on your life. But I can empathetically be there with you, it can feel really shitty straining or losing friends and/or family in that way.
Hang in there, though. The dark times give us a better appreciation for the bright times.
Thank you, friend.
I always try to remember "if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." Don't have the energy to brush your teeth for the dentist recommended 2 minutes before crawling into bed and crying yourself to sleep? At least knock some of the crumbs out of your remaining molars with your dry toothbrush and swish with some water or mouthwash. Can't be bothered to take the trash out? Grab whatever's smelliest and toss it in the bin on the way to the store. Every little bit helps.
Been considering getting one myself so I hope it's okay to ask if you would be ok with sharing a picture of your tattoo?
Yes! It is so much better - you got this <3
I'm a lazy half-ass cleaner too. Why bother cleaning something when it's just going to get dirty again? Instead of wiping something once a week, I could wipe it once a month. Or once every 6 months. It ends up clean all the same, and gets dirty again all the same.
Any of these frequencies is better than never though, and that last sentence conveniently ignores the amount of dirt that piles up in the apartment and eventually in me. Instead of trying to figure out some ideal frequency and cleaning plan, *most days I just pick something. A piece of furniture, a window, a section of floor, and I just clean that. That's Good Enough, and it'll work out to a cleaning frequency that I won't feel stressed about.
*"Most days" is the ideal goal. "Some days" is the current reality. That's still better than "never".
I struggle with anxiety too, and this last month I've mostly wanted to just hole up. Going for walks in nature is a middle ground between isolating and being around people.
Best wishes to you.
Honestly? I feel like I’m falling apart right now. I recently lost a family member, and found out that a really close friend of mine tried to commit suicide. I’m also dealing with some medical issues of my own that are preventing me from doing the job that I love, or doing any of the things that I love in my personal life. I feel useless, unappreciated, and generally numb.
This song lyric from Em Beihold pretty much sums me up at the moment.
“ Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair”
Gee, dude... Honestly, I don't know that I have any good advice, but I did want to acknowledge you and your situation, and let you know that I wish you well.
I'm just a random, middle-aged dude, but you can DM me to rant and I will hear ya out.
I've been out of (full-time) tech work for a bit over 3 years now. I was burned out then. I live frugally off savings and some freelance work. I keep myself busy with friends, reading, art, hobbies, and side projects.
I'm still cynical about the nature of tech work. I love creating—I'm an artist and a master craftsman at heart—and love connecting with and helping other people. But I had and still have a deep feeling that tech within the current economic framework doesn't enable me to transform work into good for society or even personal joy. So much of tech is funded by wishful investment money or through rent-seeking.
I'm fairly bright and driven, and I feel bad that I can't figure out how to use my talents to make the world slightly better.
I'm running out of money, so I need to hop back in soon. I'd love to find a part-time UX engineer role—I don't like to live or spend lavishly—but part-time work doesn't really exist in tech: it's all or nothing. I'm also concerned about how my resume gap will look. Work organizes our society and culture: people ask "what do you do?" after asking your name, and people always talk about how busy they are as a badge of honor. So in the eyes of society, I suppose I'm quite unvirtuous.
I could've written this myself. 2 years in August since I quit after 12 years of tech work (networks, devops, cloud stuff), and while I enjoy the technical / thinking aspect, I have zero drive to go back to almost anything my professional skillset is used for.
I spent the first year or so travelling, and I've spent this year playing about - rebuilt a motorbike engine from nothing (and the rest of the bike, including spraying it), I built a small desktop CNC mill, I'm learning how to 3D model and generate tool paths for use with the CNC. I've spent a bunch of time with my nieces and my parents, neither of which I had much time for while I was working.
I've done a bit of cat sitting and dog sitting, a bit of consultancy work when it was available (less than 20h total though), spent a bunch of time working through some childhood / relational trauma and met someone at a friend's wedding a couple of months ago and so far it's going really well.
But my "fuck you money" bank account is starting to look unhealthy and I'm going to have to find some actual work pretty soon, and the thought of it almost makes me sick.
How do I find something I can get paid for which isn't just contributing to the same shit, making money for investors / management while actively making the world a worse place? 🤔
GF suggested (marine!) compass making but I'm not sure there's a big market there (and I lack a number of skills 😂). Lots of thinking to be done.
I understand the draw towards hermitude as I've definitely felt it before, but it's something that now, I'm not sure is realistic (for me at least).
Soon after quitting it felt like I needed to get away from everything. I felt almost... oppressed, unable to think outside the bounds of my "career" and when you suddenly don't have the demands of that anymore it made me feel like I needed to run away.
I spent the first year riding around Europe on a motorcycle on my own which was an incredibly solitary and in hindsight, stressful experience, but absolutely necessary to break the mindset I held previously.
Where my head is at right now is realising that I do need to participate in society in at least some manner, but how and when and how much I do that is my choice.
The pressures that I felt before to have a "good career" and progression, earn well and be able to buy anything I want to pale in comparison to having good physical and mental health, a strong, healthy relationship and an actual enjoyment and... want for life that I just never really felt before.
I have even less idea now of what I want to do and somehow I'm happier for it.
This whole concept pisses me off. I'm at a high enough rate/salary in my career that I could easily work 6-10 months out of each year, taking the rest of the time off in between contracts, except for the "red flags" that would be raised if I had so many gaps on my resume. I got away with taking 8 months off last year for no reason and employers don't seem to care so far, but I doubt I could keep pulling that off repeatedly, even with smaller gaps. I feel like I can get away with a couple weeks of a gap only.
And yes, there are barely any part-time roles. Why can't I just do the same work I do now, but for 20-30 hours instead of 40, with pay adjusted accordingly? My job doesn't involve needing to be available all day every day, I mostly just have tasks to finish on my own time. I'm not even asking for a 4 day week with 100% of the salary here, just let me work less and pay me less! But no, we must do it their way or nothing at all. I'm miserable working 9-5, five days a week, with "unlimited" vacation time that often seems harder to take off than to just keep working. I'm grateful to have a job, but why does it have to be so rigid?
I'm perfectly willing to support myself, but I don't value being busy. Hopefully we can both find a way to make that compatible with how the world currently works.
I feel you 100% on this. Fortunately my job does let me take 3-4 weeks off a year, with minimal overhead and pushback.
Hoping to find that with my next full-time role. I'd be pretty much happy with that if I could take the time off without 1) being denied regularly because "that's a busy week for us," or 2) having to come back to piles and piles of work because the company doesn't want to hire enough people to provide coverage when I'm out.
The problem is I'm not sure how to find that. For my current role, I asked a ton of questions about work/life balance and time off in the interview, their answers all sounded great and genuine. Turns out most people on the team work through lunch, joke about having "low blood sugar" because they haven't had a chance to step away, check in with work while on PTO, and even work during what are supposed to be "company wide shut down" weeks. It's insane. They tried to deny my first request to take a week off even though I'm a contractor and they have no right to deny me. So there's no way I can continue permanently with this company, but I feel overwhelmed when it comes to finding something else that will work out.
Did you just get lucky with your company, or is this issue something you prioritize when job hunting?
I'm not sure if I got lucky. I haven't been in the job market for 5 years, but if/when I return, I will definitely prioritize it. It's probably necessary to look at other sources of info besides interviews, like Glassdoor reviews. If you have a friend who works there, even better.
I think (hope?) societal norms are starting to change regarding gaps in employment history especially since the pandemic started.
What has worked for me and my partner is on resumes and in interviews we'd say we've either taken a sabbatical and/or have worked on our own businesses/consultancy work.
I've also stressed at times that as I was financially comfortable, I was waiting for an opportunity like this (the job you are applying to) to come up. The thing that helps there is to keep looking at job postings even if you intend to take a year/whatever off as sometimes there will be a truly amazing job/company worth working for.
Regarding part time work -- maybe there's an agency you could work part-time for or six months on then six months off? Or like my partner, he found someone via some Reddit thread willing to pay him about 20 hours a month for dev on that person's game. (E.g., an artist with a game concept who was looking for someone to do all the dev.).
I realize being a UX Engineer is different however and quite specialized. Perhaps you could create a proposal to send to companies where you include a package of services such as conducting user research (usability testing/surveys/etc.), UX redesign, A/B Split testing, etc. There may be some case studies of companies' profits going up after improving their user experience and/or maybe some stats (quickly Googled example) you could include to help sell the proposal.
Finally, perhaps you could find someone to job share with.
I realize all of this is easier said than done and is why most people just find a full-time job as that's easier than drumming up work, being your own boss, or finding someone to job-share with and convince a company to do that, etc.
I am sort of thinking this too, as I mentioned in another comment above I took an 8 month "sabbatical" and didn't have any trouble landing interviews/offers once I started looking for jobs again. The recruiters/interviewers seemed mainly concerned with whether I left my last job by choice or not, rather than the gap itself (and I did leave that job by choice.) I even outright admitted that I used the time to rest and spend time with family - honestly, everyone I spoke to seemed accepting and some even found it refreshing/positive that I took that time for myself.
However I'm not sure if I should see this as changing attitudes/norms, dumb luck, or maybe it's only fine to have one gap and not much more than that. I was also at my last job for 7 years, so the gap might look less offensive than if I had gaps between more briefly held positions. Probably a combination of all of these things.
Ultimately I'm tired of living my life by other people's rules, especially since I have enough money to take some risks. It's still scary to push the boundaries of what makes an "acceptable" history/resume though. Thank you for these ideas, they're great!
Thanks for these incredible suggestions. Sometimes, it's hard to know what direction to set off in after being lost for a while.
re: agency. How do I go about working with agency?
I just picked up an interim job at a perfume boutique store whose staff and owners I'm friendly with. Bam, hired without an interview, which is refreshing after dealing with 5-interview circuits and 6-hour on-sites in tech.
My duties will involve helping out on the retail side as well as helping them with their e-commerce strategy. It doesn't pay well, aha—they don't have a tech budget. But there's opportunity to earn more if I can prove my value on the e-commerce side. Which is also refreshing to work so closely to the business core.
In the short term, it'll reducing my financial bleeding as I search for a job that's more appropriate for my skillset. But I secretly harbor a dream that I prove successful and find a niche as a small-time e-commerce full-stacker earning a modest income while enjoying independence and impact.
By agency I meant something like: you work for Company A who has contracts with Companies B/C/D/E/F and sends out their employees to do consulting/contract work at those other companies.
Here is a website discussing Pros/Cons of Agency vs. In-House vs. Freelance for UX.
Felt like I was reading my own post.
I'm okay. Feeling like I'm carrying a lot around, but holding it together. My wife is 16ish weeks pregnant, after we lost a pregnancy to acrania last winter. We're past that stage, this baby is safe from acrania and the OB doesn't see any concerns with this pregnancy. But my wife is still harboring a lot of angst and anxiety about it. So doing my best to support her through those feelings. Meanwhile I'm orienting to a new job that I'll begin working on my own in 5 weeks with an overnight shift. Trying to study for the MCAT I'm taking again late this month because I really half assed my studying the first time and got a very poor grade. I'm really putting an effort in this time, but if I can't do significantly better, I don't think I'm gonna keep trying to chase down this medical school career path I've spent the last 4 years working on. So, we'll see.
How are you?
Sounds like you’re going though several challenges… pregnancy with the recent loss, a new job (overnight no less!) and studying for the mcat. I’ve been through somewhat similar circumstances, but certainly not all at once. Make sure to take time to take care of yourself. Working nights can be taxing. Invest in some high quality black out curtains and a noise machine so that you can sleep during the day. Ear plugs also help.
CW for SH and SI
I have really been struggling lately. I'll try to keep it brief but it kinda requires some explaining as I went in for a revision jaw surgery two weeks ago which went a lot worse than expected so I had a major breakdown.
The reason it went worse is that they apparently couldn't see what was wrong on the x-rays and scans they'd taken, so they were very misguided. Only when they cut me up did they discover how bad things were. They were supposed to just remove a plate on my right side, but seeing as the infection had spread a lot more than they thought (they thought it was just a little bit around the implanted plate) they had to not only remove the implant, they also had to place a new one, take out a wisdom tooth, and remove a ton of infected tissue. When I had my original surgery six months ago - triple jaw surgery - I got this infection almost right away. Well as it turns out, the two rounds of antibiotics never worked and my jaw had never healed. So I have basically had a broken jaw for 5 months.
So why the breakdown? Well they told me before this surgery that I was just going to be on liquid foods for one day but instead it became one month which is just like my original surgery which was really fucking difficult. I had to stay at my mom's for two weeks, being on morphine for the first week and because of the restricted diet, I lost about 8 kg and was just extremely weak and fragile.
This revision surgery two weeks ago was a much smaller operation so I don't have to be on morphine or stay at anyone's place or anything... But still, the 1 day vs 1 month thing had me so out of my mind that just a couple of hours after waking up from the surgery/anesthesia, I was sh'ing in this post-surgery recovery room.. The nurses saw it of course and I'm really ashamed about that. But luckily one of the nurses there had previously worked at a psych ward, and got in contact with them - she said that either she was going to take me there, or else she would call the police to escort me. My mom was thankfully on the way though, and so she drove me there and then I got admitted. Really ashamed about my mom having to see me like that too.
So I spent the night in a closed section/crisis stabilization unit (I'm not sure how it's translated exactly sorry) and it was really fucking awful as the person in the room next to mine had loud music/games/TV or maybe it was just because the walls are thing - but why are the walls in a place like that so thin? Not to mention that the night-shift looked in on me every hour, so the noise + them barging in all the time meant I got almost no sleep. But at least being there prevented me from doing anything stupid.
This was all two weeks ago and I'm still recovering from all this (psych ward stay and breakdown part more-so than the jaw surgery part) and some days are a serious struggle... I'm trying to distract myself but you can only watch so many movies and do so much embroidery (until my arm hurts) to keep your mind off things. I'm trying to fight the urges but I still keep relapsing every few days, although it's currently been 5 days so it could also be a lot worse. And family is visiting in the weekend so that might help keep me from it for even longer still.
This ended up getting really longwinded. Sorry/not sorry, thanks for reading.
I would love to hear other's experiences with psych ward stays by the way. Especially how to move on from it?
The first time I was involuntarily committed I was 14, and supposedly the teen ward was full so they put me in the adult ward instead. The first thing that happened when I walked through the doors was an adult patient grabbed me by the shoulders, and screamed in my face about not eating the food because it was drugged. The room I was assigned, as well as the bathrooms, all had large windows on the doors, and I was woken up several times every hour during safety checks so I barely got any sleep for the duration I was in there (48hour). It was a horrible and incredibly traumatic experience, and to this day I am still convinced that the admitting Doctor intentionally put me in the adult ward to "scare [me] straight" even though the teen ward (which I could see through the fucking adult ward door) wasn't actually full. So needless to say it left a very bad taste in my mouth, serious apprehension towards psych facilities, and very serious trust issues with psychiatrists.
However since then (almost 3 decades ago), I have been to several more pysch wards and psychiatric hospitals, some voluntary inpatient, and some involuntary commitment again. And every other time it's been a relatively positive experience, which helped put things in perspective, and helped me overcome that initial traumatic experience. I've now come to understand why things are the way they are in psych wards, which makes them way less scary, and that the patients there are just people with problems, not anything to be afraid of. And it also helps that I have since met some absolutely amazing psychiatrists/therapists/nurses working in those psych facilities, and still keep in touch with quite a few of the other patients I met in them.
I don't know how much my experience can help you move past your own negative experience, since in my case it was just more exposure to psych facilities that helped me, but I do understand where you're coming from, can relate, and sympathize. So if you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.
What does this mean? I can guess content warning, but my best guess for SH is sexual harassment and after a quick skim, I don't see anything like that at all. I do see that you were "sh'ing" but I've got no clue what that means. Same for SI. Maybe I could guess sexual intercourse? Googling it doesn't really help.
Edit: more googling makes me think SI might be suicidal ideation.
SH stands for self harm
My bad. They are rather common abbreviations in other mental health communities that I frequent so I guess I just assumed that people here on ~health.mental would know what they are too.
@Deyona and your googling is right - it means self harm and suicidal ideation.
I just wanted to say sorry about your situation. I think the breakdown is understandable, that's a lot of stress to have been under for a long time with your jaw, and to then have to be on a liquid died for so long must be so hard. I went crazy with a two week liquid/soft food diet after my wisdom tooth surgery (x 2 since they did one side at a time). I hope you heal well this time so you're done with it finally! You're doing great, remember to try and be extra kind to yourself.
Thank you <3
Thank you. I think Tildes' communities are much less specialized. People generally subscribed to ~health won't necessarily also use mental health Twitter, forums, or subreddits.
I'm not doing great. I started therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD at the start of the year, and today I learnt that my therapist is changing jobs in a month. She's going to try and refer me to someone else, but with how the medical system is where I live, and how understaffed it is I probably won't get a place there, which means I gotta quit or pay out of pocket (if I can afford it).
I've spent the summer moving apartments which has been a huge stress. The apartment I moved into was not cleaned at all, and I spent a lot of time and energy cleaning it, and arguing with the landlord who claimed he'd cleaned, even with pictures of dust 5 cm long hanging from the middle of the ceiling like the worlds most gross birthday decoration. I'm just really feeling so burnt out and sad all the time, and especially this past week I've felt extra exhausted.
I'm having difficulties in the workplace.
I'm nominally lead software engineer at our company. I self-identify as a top contributor. I also perform the role of SRE; this is not recognized by the company however.
There's this mission-critical piece of software (our image generation backend for our primary revenue-generating platform) that's poorly maintained, unspecified, and doesn't have any tests. The original authors have long left the company, and nobody likes to work on it. If you're a software engineer, you likely know of similar software at your place of work.
I've submitted a proposal to design and implement a replacement for this software. It would be well-documented, well-specified, have quality tests, CI, etc, all the things you'd expect of high quality software.
My boss, let's call him Harry, thought this replacement might grow to be a central image backend for all of our other platforms as well. Those platforms have wildly differing requirements so it didn't seem a good idea to me at the time, but we agreed to have an informal chat with the other teams.
The result of that chat is what I had expected: they didn't really show any interest at the moment, but they were willing to provide input. We created a Slack channel for this purpose.
I've shared my technical design in the channel. Nobody replied. I had to actively chase down people for their input, they didn't know what to reply at first, and finally they shared that they didn't have any concrete ideas and rather first wait for the proof of concept.
Next, I've discussed with Harry what my responsibilities would be for this project, which we wrote down.
Finally, the day arrived from which I could work on this project full-time. I've shared an update on our company intranet, as is our custom. In hindsight this was a mistake, however, everyone responded positively and was proud that such a project was possible within our company.
However, once I arrived at the office, the proverbial shit began hitting the fan. I was told that some people are having their toes stepped on. My direct boss had to 'make repairs' in lots of places. And others, who have had never contributed anything to this project in the preceding months, would suddenly keep themselves quiet which supposedly is a signal of disagreement.
Although I've communicated extensively about this project with people that actually have a stake in its success, people are telling me I'm doing it wrong. But nobody is telling me what exactly it is I'm doing wrong. The first time I heard anything concrete is from HR. That's not supposed to happen, our company prides itself on its open communication! I still can't understand that even up to this day nobody communicated their concerns directly to me.
I'm terrible with people. I probably have Asperger's. I do my utmost, but it takes so much energy. That's why I work in tech.
We've agreed that I would take charge of this project, because of my domain knowledge, skills and enthusiasm. It's a project that doesn't involve people and where I can let my skills and creative energy flow. However, a few days ago it was decided to assign a project manager (let's call him Julio) without even discussing this with me. The project isn't even in its proof-of-concept phase yet. I'm the sole contributor to this project. Aside from the fact that me telling Julio to tell me what to do is just silly, I can't tell a project manager to tell me which creative things I need to do in what order. On top of this, Julio has been product owner for my team in the past, his style of management seriously aggravates me to the point where I had to call in sick. (He was then removed as product owner.)
I can't deal with this anymore and I'm strongly considering handing in my resignation.
Im very sorry to hear youre having a hard time, what you’ve described sounds very stressful. I have a couple of small questions if you dont mind, firstly what did HR tell you? And secondly is it perhaps normal to have a PM assigned to projects? Such that perhaps Julio being assigned to you is a good sign? An endorsement of your project being taken seriously?
Thanks a lot for your thoughts. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. What HR told me seems so petty, but petty stuff doesn't go all the way up to HR by itself so I must still be missing the bigger picture.
HR told me things like:
It is indeed normal to have a PM assigned to projects, and as far as I know the project itself isn't in question. It's just not at a stage yet where it could benefit from having a PM. Discussing this with Julio is out of the question (I've tried), and I feel there would not be problems discussing this if anyone else was assigned as PM.
Well I completely agree that does sound very confusing. Did HR tell you whether they came from one person or many? What does your manager think? Im wondering if HR got in touch because rather than receiving one serious complaint, instead they received lots of smaller complaints which added together caused them to worry.
The complaints supposedly came from many people. I've not been told any names, but I have no indication it would have been anyone directly related to this project.
My manager was upset he had to 'make repairs everywhere' (at least that's how he described it). He also seems to have a different view on expectations than we previously discussed. Currently he's vacationing so I haven't been able to discuss this further.
HR scheduled a followup meeting next monday, and I have only a faint hope that it can still be resolved to our mutual satisfaction.
These two together would be enough to worsen my mental health, even without the other issues you described. I suspect you would do well at another company that is better managed (if that's what you want).
I'm not sure this fits best in ~health.mental, but yeah, pay is an issue too.
Given the value I provide and considering the profitability of the company it doesn't seem unreasonable to ask for market rates. HR disagrees, though not just with my argument; they also disagree about the market rates themselves while acknowledging that other companies do pay those rates.
Supposedly my pay is already higher than the owner's (an argument that ignores ownership itself) and many of our non-tech co-workers, therefore I should be happy already. Still, they didn't outright shut down this branch of the conversation, which is a win I suppose?
HR did offer that in case we don't come to a resolution (either on pay or on solving the issues), they would fully support me in the process of moving on to a suitable company, to help me obtain the rate I'm requesting.
Well this took an unexpected turn.
HR's stance changed from "we can support you in your next move" to "we want you to start looking for employment elsewhere".
For myself, this is a better outcome than if I had just resigned, because the company would be required to go to court and pay severance if they intend to terminate without cause. For the company, I can't even begin to understand why such a destructive HR policy would be in place.
I'm hanging in, but I'm just lonely. Being semi-disabled makes it hard to get out and meet people, especially a love interest. I have friends online, but have recently moved to Florida (one year ago yesterday!) So I don't really know anyone here.
Dating is mostly a few conversations, but I'm upfront that I can't work and that it's hard to get around, most end there though. I know you're supposed to be happy with yourself to want a relationship, but I feel like the part of me that isn't happy is a hole for another person.
I'm doing better I think. I was sleeping nonstop for a while, but I managed to stay awake in the afternoon the past 3 days.
My brain isn't zapping anymore but that's because I went back to my old meds and lowered my dose.
I'm going to discuss going off meds completely with my doc.
Congratulations on trying, getting off antidepressants (if thats what one wants to do / is ready for) is quite difficult! This Economist article goes into it a bit, including some chat about the ‘zaps’: https://archive.is/p5aYe
Not too good. Currently experiencing an emotional flashback for seemingly no reason. Been quite some times since I had that. And I still have to go through 2 and half an hour of work. Which, if you know the experience, is like an endless time for that.
Urgh. Maybe I should see if I can excuse myself a bit earlier today.
I was diagnosed with ADHD, but now I’m having trouble finding a pharmacy that has meds in stock lol
Lucky for you (not really, but sort of,) the rest of us have been dealing with this for the past year and there's now a wealth of tips on how to manage it as best as possible.
Which medication are you trying to get, Adderall? If you try the tips below and still can't find Adderall, ask your doctor to prescribe a less common alternative like Ritalin. The alternatives are running out as well, but they're worth a try.
Does your insurance control which pharmacies you're allowed to use? If they allow different pharmacies, skip Walgreens and CVS entirely, they're a waste of time and they have terrible customer service, which is massive when you're dealing with all the steps and communication it takes to get ADHD meds these days. Try Costco, then hospital pharmacies, then local, independently owned pharmacies. Even if they're out of stock as well, they will at least be more likely to pick up the phone without putting you on hold for 30 minutes, so they can help you figure out what to do next.
Does your insurance cover brand name prescriptions? If so and they're out of generic, ask for brand name. Many insurance plans don't cover them, especially brand name stimulants, so pharmacies sometimes have more in stock.
Check the medication shortage megathread on /r/ADHD for more advice, and search your local subreddits for threads about which pharmacies people in your city have had luck with. It's rough out here, but it has helped immensely to rely on the information other people have to share.
Get familiar with the communication methods your doctor uses to manage prescriptions. You're likely going to have to communicate with them a lot to: a) re-send prescriptions to a bunch of different pharmacies, since controlled prescriptions have to come straight from the doctor, b) send prescriptions with slightly modified doses, if a pharmacy can't fill 20mg but can fill 10mg twice a day for example, and c) even before the shortage, most of us have to remind our doctor to send a new prescription every month since they're not allowed to send more than that. My doctor will send up to three individual one-month prescriptions at a time, god knows why or if it's different in other states.
Good luck... :) And congrats on your diagnosis. Or my condolences, or both - however you feel about it.
They put me on Ritalin to start and work up to other meds as needed. I tried CVS yesterday and left a message to send it to Walgreens after hours yesterday. If Walgreens doesn’t work I’ll try an independent pharmacy. Thanks for the tips though. I’m interested to see what difference medication can make. I have been getting by with a lot of stress and effort my whole life, so it will be interesting to see if there’s a hearing aid or new glasses moment.
Same, I was diagnosed at age 29. To this day, I don't know how I made it up to that point. By the skin of my teeth, honestly.
I would say the hearing aid/glasses comparison is somewhat accurate, though it's more like a hearing aid that helps you hear better than before, but not perfectly, and still requires additional coping skills to fill in the gaps. Certainly at first, you will probably feel like you're experiencing the world in an entirely new, easy way (I felt like I could do anything the first month or two taking Adderall,) but it does even out after a while. Regardless, it tends to give you a better baseline capability than before.
I got diagnosed not too long ago. Hearing about the shortage has me worried. Right now I'm being ramped up on anti-depressants before we look into adhd meds. Worried I won't be able to find them once we get to that point tbh.
Although my therapist suggested I try non-stimulant medications first because of my drug abuse history. Hopefully those are as effective, and more available? I don't know. I've not really researched any of the options. A bit too much for me right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I got them on Friday and the delay was mostly due to communication errors between my doctor and the pharmacy. The second pharmacy I tried had it in stock, so hopefully that means the shortage is getting fixed.
I think the stimulants are the one that are having a shortage mostly due to being regulated because of the abuse potential, so I don’t think you should have an issue getting your prescription.
Not doing well at all. Have been trying to arrange therapy for multiple issues including anxiety, life transition, unresolved grief, health issues, etc. Nothing life threatening.
I have good insurance but just can't seem to find anyone. Either there are no openings or they can't figure out how to do the billing, etc.
Have worked with my HR rep and even gave the Employee Assistance Program a try to no avail.
I do need face to face therapy. I've lost everyone in my family and need human contact - virtual would be unsatisfying.
It's really frustrating.
I've needed therapy before and it's never been an issue. My last therapy was about 15 years ago when my son died.
My doctor has prescribed klonopin for my anxiety which has escalated over the last several months but medication isn't the only treatment.
I'm... hanging in. Objectively, nothing is actually going wrong in my life, but I've struggled for a long time on and off with depression/anxiety and feeling like there's a point to anything. Lately I've been feeling easily overwhelmed by stuff/life in general, and like I've been running on fumes. It's been hard to stay on top of things because everything feels like an insurmountable chore, but I finally did the dishes that were piling up in my sink for two weeks, so... yay? I was also diagnosed with ASD a couple years ago, and I'm sure that also plays into the difficulties I'm having.
The big thing on my mind tends to be work. I'm so tired of software dev, and I don't feel like I'm keeping up anymore at my current job. But I don't want to manage or be a team lead, and I don't feel like I have relevant skills outside of tech. I'm considering going back to QA/SDET for my next job. It's hard to know when the right time is to move on from my current job, though (or even how to) — ideally I'd take some time off before interviewing again. Too many hard decisions, and it feels paralyzing. I have no ambition and I just want to coast, but no one wants to hire someone like that, so I guess I'm just doomed to keep running myself into the ground forever!
Keep hanging in there! Your post resonates so strongly with me. Same feelings, same anxiety and depression. I can say that I finally got the treatment I needed (TMS) and it’s just starting to make a difference. If I can do this you can do it too!
I’m doing okay. Gonna be dead in about 2 years…. But yeah.
I'm glad that you're with our community, even as we're all together and apart.
How are your family and your network doing?
They are doing okay. My wife struggles with this all of course. We have a baby on the way so I will at least get to see them be born and spend a little bit with them. So that’s nice.
Been feeling an inexplicable sense of dread all week.
Not sure why. Everything i do feels like a distraction to the dread. It always comes back when im not front facing.
Like something disastrous is imminent.
And no one else seems to feel it. Kind of feeling.
You might want to go to a doctor. Inexplicable feelings of doom can precede medical problems: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sense_of_impending_doom
Thank you i was unaware! I get cyclically depressed (not enough to be diagnosed with depression because it only last a few days or weeks at a time), so i assumed its just a really bad cycle this time round but perhaps not...
Are you familiar with this feeling yourself? I'm wondering if this is the signal for the onset of major depression or something
Sorry no I dont believe Ive ever experienced it, outside of external triggers (like the screech of tyres before a crash, that sort of thing). Ive just heard of it. However this comment (1) from u/pushdose goes into detail, Ill paste the comment as its from reddit:
1: https://old.reddit.com/r/nursing/comments/85nqqc/help_to_clarify_feeling_of_impending_doom/
Ah this thread is a bit illuminating in any case thank you! What differs for me is that its not as extreme and short lived. Its not to that alarming of a level and more drawn out and still drawing out.
What I do get, thinking about it, is a gradual souring of my mood as I get more and more tired. Im quite robust with sleep deprivation, but after a while my thoughts become very negative and it takes a few high quality sleeps to get back to an even keel. Could you be experiencing something similar? A gradual lowering of your mood from exhaustion that’s now feeling like a lengthy bought of doom?
No.. i get plenty of sleep--arguably more then cause i slept earlier and was harder to get out of bed.
Appreciate the follow up! Im not concerned about any physical ailments, but mentally it seems like it is worth looking into...
I'm going through another low point. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, constantly going up and down.
Recently started living on my own for the first time in years. Got dumped by my ex fiance last year, after being engaged for 5 years, together for 9. We kept looking at moving in together but it never worked out, and sometimes when I'm just on my own, I get reminded that the plan was to live with him.
In my seriously low points, I have checked his social media. I know he started a relationship within a few months of dumping me, and is already engaged to them. They just celebrated their 1 year anniversary, which obviously makes me feel down. It's also 2 weeks away from what would've been our engagement anniversary.
While moving a lot of things to my new place, I still keep finding love notes he'd left me in notebooks or sketchbooks. Or an old memory box I had filled with cards and little trinkets. That keeps hitting me hard. I also keep having dreams about him. I keep being angry with him (we haven't talked since the startt of the year, so I'm not arguing or shouting at him), for lying to me for so long. Also angry with myself for not seeing it, or not fighting harder for the relationship, and just for not being over it by now.
I think physical loneliness is getting to me at times. I've got a few friends I talk to regularly, but I miss that connection with someone.
Have been getting stressed with the process of moving, sorting out money, all that kinda stuff. Even though I'm doing a lot, I keep feeling like I'm not being productive enough. I can recognise that I'm putting myself down, but I can't stop.
Started learning more about autism and adhd in the past few weeks, and while I was diagnosed at an early age, I never really looked into it. Seeing all things I do that are stereotypical of both, it's nice knowing there's a reason, but I keep kinda getting annoyed at myself with some of them. Especially the adhd, losing my train of thought constantly, or forgetting to do important things.
I'd love to talk about a lot of this stuff with my friends, but I feel like I burden to them whenever I think about doing it. They have their own lives, stresses and issues and I don't want to add to them.
In the past few months, I've started learing to draw and putting a lot of my emotions into those, and it does help somewhat. If anyone does read this, sorry for the long ramble. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Hello, im very sorry to hear youre having a hard time. If you don’t mind Id like to suggest a few things, firstly try and purge your environment of the things from your ex, even if you just store them in the basement in a box they seem to be preventing you from moving on and are causing you distress.
Secondly, please reach out to your friends. Thats what theyre for - to support you and be supported in times of need. Im a strong believer in helping each other, which in turn strengthens friendships. Its very unusual to be able to genuinely help someone, because its so rare these days to out oneself in such a vulnerable position. But if you do seek that help then the friendship bond can often become stronger as a result. Of course use your judgement to not overwhelm / lean on people too heavily but Im sure you can gauge that :)
And the last thing is to be kind to yourself :) exercise, eat well, get some high quality sleep. Go on a trip to the woods and get some regular walks into your life, that kind of thing. I hope this hasnt been too presumptuous, good luck! X
Thank you for the reply. All of the things that remind me of him, such as notes and pictures, I've torn up and thrown away. The only things I haven't gotten rid of are a backpack he painted and decorated, since I use it regularly. A picture I found that he drew of me, I'm learning how to draw and going to use it as a reference. And a box he painted, but that's going to be thrown out as soon as I've emptied it. Everything else is just things I've found as I've been moving. The one that hurt the most was yesterday, I found one of the matching rings we had made, engraved with the coordinates of where we first met. It hit me pretty hard.
I do truly want to reach out to my friends. I just don't feel I can lately. I've got a very small friend group, and half of them are incredibly busy so they don't reply for hours, somtimes days. Of the other half, one lives across the world so time difference make it difficult, and the other one I don't want to become to reliant on because I know I need to fend for myself too, if that makes sense? I guess I'm scared of losing any of them by being too much of a downer, but also becoming to dependent on other people.
I'm trying to be kind to myself, and honestly it is working. Since moving I've been eating a lot more fresh fruit and veg, less junk/snack fokd. Sleep is difficult for me, and so is leaving the house, but I'm going to try walking more soon.
Thank you for all the advice, I really appreciate it :)
Hey, I am a person with my own stress and issues, but I like to support my friends, and I'm pretty sure some of your friends would like to as well. I really appreciate when my friends ask me "Hey, no worries, but do you have the energy to hear about my breakup? I'm feeling really down about it and would like to chat with someone, but if you're having a busy day, that's completely fine, we can talk later. :)" Giving them a clear out helps a lot to alleviate the guilt/shame of asking for support.
I sometimes struggle to reach out, so I totally get it. But most people are flattered when you go to them for advice or comfort. The only thing you have to worry about is relying on those people over and over again, and getting into the territory where they are almost being used as a therapist, rather than a friend.
Also, just remember to ask them about their own lives! Before or after discussing yours. Chances are there's something stressing them out or on their minds, like you mentioned, and they may appreciate being asked about it. In time, you'll identify the friends who are most supportive of you, and you of them. Done right, it's not only not a burden, it's an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Friendship is a balance, but like the other commenter said, this is what friends are for. Best of luck.
After a very long time and up’s and downs I am finally starting to feel a bit better. TMS treatment is starting to work, but I can see I have a long way to go in terms of fixing the bad mental hygiene habits that keep knocking me down. Burnout is terrible. I am thankful for this community.
Nightmares are really bad again. I'm getting 2 or 3 hours sleep and am waking up feeling powerless and disgusted as it's still happening and now I'm doing it to myself by conjuring it in my own head to keep hurting me.
Not well, honestly. I essentially lost the will to live and just exist now because I feel I have nothing to live for. What few hobbies I had more or less dried up, and the tiny remainder don't bring me much enjoyment if any. I'm starting to get physical illnesses now as a result of not taking care of myself or eating properly. My mental health plummeted at the beginning of the pandemic and only got worse from there. I became a hermit and don't really go anywhere or do anything. I don't really have friends and severe dissociative disorder makes it extremely hard (right now, impossible) to interact meaningfully with other people or really care about them even if I wanted to.
I recently stopped going to my counselor because I didn't see the point, and I felt like my issues are above what they are qualified to do. Every person that I've been assigned by the mental health unit always seems to do the same things which aren't helping. I really don't know what to do. I suppose I need to find a reason to keep on going or else they can't do much to help, but then it becomes a cart-before-the-horse/chicken-and-egg type situation. I see the news and wonder 'why bother?'.
I’m alive but that’s about it. I’ve dug myself into a financial hole that I’ve been fighting out of for years but the true solution is to make more money. It just seems like companies don’t want to hire without a ton of experience in that exact field. I feel like I’m just fighting a never ending battle of working to pay my bills while not being able to afford anything even sort of nice. Barely able to buy lunch most days so I wait until I get home. Unable to go to the doctors or dentist in fear of being hit with more bills so my options are to ignore it until my health declines to a point where it’s a more expensive issue to fix (or maybe not fixable at all) or just throw myself deeper into the debt pool.
I've had a rough year, lost my dad to colon cancer after battling depression for a year after my best friend died. Thankfully I have an awesome group of friends on discord that have miraculously stayed around for the past 4 years and they've been like brothers to me. I've been blessed with a wonderful wife, kids and plenty of pets, and a really well paying job, so there's not much to get over other than grieving. I've recently been struggling with the motivation to continue my career, and I'm torn between this being a midlife crisis or a realization that this is my life for the next 30 years, and I'm not sure I want that. It frustrates me that I feel stuck and can't move on in my career at the moment, and it's feels like my only motivation right now is the fact that I have mouths to feed. That sounds selfish, but I've always been a man that firmly believes that it doesn't matter how much you get paid, if you hate your job then what's the point of doing it? You should love your job, and be happy with life to truly be successful. Anyway, I talked to my physician and increased my anti depressants to help, hopefully things get better.