45 votes

How do you learn to recognize your own emotions?

I'm a pretty introspective person. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent, struggled with my mental health from teenagerhood, and been to more therapy than I can remember since the time of my parents' divorce when I was eight. My siblings and I have done a lot of deconstructing over the years to figure out what the heck happened to us (the abuse was pretty insidious and, of course, we normalized it) and how it affected us internally. I'm also most likely autistic and have always struggled to socialize correctly, which led to a LOT of observation and imitation that was both conscious and unconscious.

Despite all this practice at introspection though, in the past few years, I've come to realize I am wildly out of touch with my own emotions. I am tempted to blame much of this on the fact that I was always collecting social "scripts" to follow, so that I could react appropriately to jokes, or good/bad news, or whatever. If you're acting, you don't actually need to know how you feel. And if you feel something different from standard, it's irrelevant because it's "wrong" to feel that way, so you ignore it. So it took me a long time to realize that my display for other people was actually pretty disconnected from whether I was actually feeling anything. I don't feel it was dishonest, though, because I still would have wanted to show sympathy, excitement, etc. for the people I care about. It just takes me so long to process things that I wouldn't have been able to do it within the same conversation if I didn't have a ready script.

I know that some autistic people experience alexithymia/emotional blindness, but it doesn't look terribly well understood. I know I should probably get back on the therapy horse, for a number of reasons including this one, but I'm pretty leery. I never felt like it helped me much. (Although most of it, at the time, was to help me with "depression". Which I certainly had, but there was no understanding from either my end or theirs that the cause was likely rooted in ADHD/autism.) And I did try to start up again last year; I found a psychologist who specialized in ADHD and autism, and although she seemed understanding at first, I felt like I couldn't establish any clear communication and we just kept talking past each other. At this time, I super don't have the energy to keep trying new therapists, and waste weeks or months on each one before I figure out we won't click.

So I ask: have any of you folks ever dealt with emotional blindness? If so, how have you learned to identify your emotions? Do you keep a feelings journal, and how do you even know what to put in at first? Any advice is welcome!

43 comments

  1. [3]
    snake_case
    Link
    A fellow au/adhd person here. I have to just hang out with myself sometimes. Spend time organizing my closet, cleaning my car, taking a long bath, deep cleaning the bathroom, self care activities...

    A fellow au/adhd person here.

    I have to just hang out with myself sometimes. Spend time organizing my closet, cleaning my car, taking a long bath, deep cleaning the bathroom, self care activities that take a long time and don’t involve anyone or anything else.

    I cant meditate, so I find this is the next best thing. I get to unpack everything thats happened to me since the last time I cleaned.

    I try to do one of these tasks once a month, and rotate them such that they all get done about once a year.

    19 votes
    1. [2]
      Sapholia
      Link Parent
      That sounds like a great way to go about it. I have a fair amount of alone time, but I don't always use it as productively as I would like. How do you remember what to think about? With the way...

      That sounds like a great way to go about it. I have a fair amount of alone time, but I don't always use it as productively as I would like. How do you remember what to think about? With the way ADHD affects me, I find it difficult to remember things for later, or how long ago something was. Also, with the emotions being vague in the first place, it can be hard for them to make a good enough impression to be memorable, other than as low-level mind noise.

      The idea of keeping a sort of journal of things to think about later is intriguing. I wonder if I could make that work somehow. Thanks for your answer!

      1 vote
      1. snake_case
        Link Parent
        I often let things go for too long, its not a perfect system. Generally I’ll do a task when the monthly bills are due. I’ve already set aside the time, usually all day, cause in my head for some...

        I often let things go for too long, its not a perfect system.

        Generally I’ll do a task when the monthly bills are due. I’ve already set aside the time, usually all day, cause in my head for some reason “pay the bills” takes all day, and so when I’m done I’m on a roll and I’ll go take care of something thats been bothering me for months.

        Its not so much about “keeping the house clean” or “keeping myself well groomed” its specifically about taking care of something thats specifically been bothering me for months. It just happens that my space being dirty bothers me, my hair and skin being oily or dry bothers me, etc.

        2 votes
  2. [2]
    Interesting
    Link
    Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) literally teaches recognizing emotions as a skill. You can find a PDF workbook here Some additional handouts that groups will give out for emotion recognition...

    Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) literally teaches recognizing emotions as a skill. You can find a PDF workbook here

    Some additional handouts that groups will give out for emotion recognition and management are here

    I didn't struggle too badly with this, but I did appreciate the section on recognizing when my emotions fit the facts and when they didn't

    13 votes
    1. Sapholia
      Link Parent
      Whoa, thanks for the resources. I've saved those.

      Whoa, thanks for the resources. I've saved those.

  3. [2]
    Akir
    Link
    Autism might change things, but for the neurotypical person I would say that you do already know your emotions, but you don’t know what to do with them. How you are feeling is something that can...

    Autism might change things, but for the neurotypical person I would say that you do already know your emotions, but you don’t know what to do with them. How you are feeling is something that can possibly be on the autism spectrum, but it can also be the result of growing up with an abusive parent. I went through the latter and so what you are describing doesn’t sound too different from how I felt when I was young.

    To answer your question about what to do with it, I’m afraid there is no easy answer. You kind of just need to grow as a person and it will happen naturally. Introspection can be useful but do not do it at the expense of socializing, because that is the most important way to build emotional intelligence. It’s kind of the same as immersion for learning languages.

    But once again, this advice might not work for those on the spectrum.

    9 votes
    1. Sapholia
      Link Parent
      Socialization as an autistic person -- or at least for me -- is a constant learning environment. An exhausting one, but often rewarding as well. I will never stop growing in this area, and I think...

      Socialization as an autistic person -- or at least for me -- is a constant learning environment. An exhausting one, but often rewarding as well. I will never stop growing in this area, and I think I've learned quite a lot over my 4+ decades, but I still think I will never reach the "desired neurotypical" social grace. Still, I do my best to be a true empathetic listener when I can.

      So I think it must indeed be different, because it's not something that has ever happened naturally for me, despite my active attempts to constantly learn and pay attention.

      3 votes
  4. [2]
    Jambo
    Link
    I'm also a very introspective person, and I also mask my actual feelings/emotions with an 'alternate' persona. I know I play 'chameleon' when I interact with other people. I get along with...

    I'm also a very introspective person, and I also mask my actual feelings/emotions with an 'alternate' persona. I know I play 'chameleon' when I interact with other people. I get along with everyone on a surface level because I match others' emotions or expressions. The upside is that I have never really had any issues with anyone because I have never been one to be confrontational. The downside is I don't actually have any real friends (except for a couple of online ones, whom I've never met). I've had work acquaintances over the years but right now, if I had to call someone to save me from some dire situation, I genuinely don't know who I'd call. Frankly, I probably wouldn't call anyone, but I'll get into that in a moment.

    I also struggle with my mental health but in kind of the opposite that you have. My upbringing was, for the most part, fine. I didn't have abusive parents. They're still together. I had no real issues in school (a lot to do with my sentiment above), I wasn't ever left hungry. We were by no means well-off, financial issues were the one crux for my parents that still haunts them now, but overall, I had it ok. I had it pretty good by most standards. Now that I'm grown, I have a house, 2 kids, wonderful wife, good job. Basically about what you'd want out of a life.

    Having said all that, I've been (non-clinically) depressed for as long as I can remember. I have never been to therapy, and I do not ask for help because frankly, I feel like it is not for me. I had it better than most people, why am I sad? Why should I be allowed to complain when there are so many others out there that have it so much worse than I do? I feel ashamed that I am not happy. I think about this all the time. My own wife doesn't even know this about me, at least in full - she knows just by her own intuition. She tries to bring it up sometimes but I always mask and pretend everything is fine. She's recently been through cancer treatments, a host of auto-immune disorders, she has struggles with her family, and I just don't want to pile my self-loathing onto her. I want to be her rock, but I don't want to make her sink.

    Now, to tie back to 'I don't ask for help' from the previous couple of references to that subject, I think one of the key reasons I have never been able to create strong friendships is because I have an overwhelming need to stay out of other peoples' ways. I think I've mentioned this on another thread a while back, but as an example, if I'm making a left-hand turn into traffic and someone comes up behind me, I will instead turn right (so as not to take as long waiting for traffic both ways) and just make the block instead of waiting my turn. I get very uneasy about 'holding people up' and I just do not ask favors or help. I will offer it to others, but I can't ask for it in return. I feel indebted to them if I do, and I just don't like feeling like a leech or like I'm putting someone out.

    However, if you read about what makes long lasting relationships with people, a large part of it is trust and showing that they are needed and that you appreciate them for their help. I have heard "just call me if you need anything" an untold number of times and I have never picked up the phone to do so. If I really need help, I may call my brothers, but it's extremely rare. We aren't very close.

    Regarding specifically recognizing my emotions, I feel like I do that fairly well. For example, I had a conversation really recently with my boss where, long story short, he told me the reason I'm working too much is because I'm a people-pleaser and don't know how to say no. My initial reaction was kind of shock, because the people I'm doing work for currently aren't people I have the ability to say no to... they're C-level execs.. my boss is my manager, and he's the one who's brought me these projects so immediately I was taken aback because I don't think it's my place to say whether I am working on a project, he is there to manage me and my time. Afterwards, I felt uneasy. I didn't know what it was, I wasn't angry or nervous or worried, just... off.

    I thought about it for the next several hours on and off because I needed to understand what I was feeling, and I determined it was mostly just blind-sidedness and realizing that my boss was referring to a meeting earlier that day where I was meant to take notes on what was needed for the project, but I never brought up timing. I just said yes, yes, yes, I'll look into it, sounds good, etc. I know we're busy and it should have been great priority to understand their expectations on timing and to formalize our availability. After this realization, I felt better. I understood that I made a mistake and I better understand my role and how I should approach this type of thing.

    All that to basically say that I feel like I'm rather in tune with my feelings. When I get mad, I really focus on why I am mad, why the event that made me mad happened, if there was any true ill-will or maybe just ignorance or an accident or some other ultimately non-vitriolic reason that it happened, and that typically calms me.

    Now, handling or processing those feelings is another expedition entirely. I am the breadwinner of my household, so if I have money problems, I cannot look to anyone but myself to fix them. At work, I'm the lead dev - if there is a difficult problem to fix, there's no one to punt it to - I'm it. I have to do it, period. So if I'm nervous or upset or mad or whatever, all my negative emotions typically sail down 1 river and it arrives at inevitability. My only answer to that inevitability is to just get over it. There's no amount of crying or punching walls or whatever that will make my todo list smaller, it's just me so I just have to keep forging ahead. So instead of processing those emotions, I just ignore them. I put on the mask. I pretend I'm fine. Eventually, I am. I have a quote that pops up every time I go to unlock my phone by Robert Frost that is quite famous - "the best way out is always through" - it helps to ground me in tough times.

    So, do I have emotional blindness? Maybe in a forced way. I know that's not healthy. I know I should talk to someone. I do, somewhat, in posts like these - anonymously on the internet, and that is therapeutic to me. This is my version of journaling, I suppose. Therapy just seems fake to me (and I know that's not valid, but it's just how I feel about it). I feel like I'm being profited from for not being better than I am. Ultimately, if the goal is to talk things out until some resolution or understanding appears from introspection (we call this 'rubber ducky debugging' in the tech world), then I will do that on my own. I'm ok, and even when I'm not, that's ok too. I have learned to live with my shortcomings and I've made it this far. Do I have advice? Sorry, none that I would consider healthy or perhaps mature enough to recommend.

    9 votes
    1. first-must-burn
      (edited )
      Link Parent
      I don't know you, and you don't know me, but from one internet stranger to another, I want to tell you that your feelings are important, and you deserve to feel them. It's okay to be sad...

      Having said all that, I've been (non-clinically) depressed for as long as I can remember. I have never been to therapy, and I do not ask for help because frankly, I feel like it is not for me. I had it better than most people, why am I sad? Why should I be allowed to complain when there are so many others out there that have it so much worse than I do? I feel ashamed that I am not happy. I think about this all the time.

      I don't know you, and you don't know me, but from one internet stranger to another, I want to tell you that your feelings are important, and you deserve to feel them. It's okay to be sad sometimes. That's a valid feeling even if everything is seemingly "okay".

      I'll be honest with you, from your writing, it does not seem like everything is okay. The lengths you described going to in order to avoid "putting people out" are pretty extreme.

      I have a similar background (good home life, parents stable and still together, successful marriage/work/family), and I was in my late 30's before I could finally begin to unpack how traumatic my exposure to religion had been. Still working on unpacking that, and probably always will be.

      My reason for telling you that is this: a person can have a good childhood and a good adult life and still have trauma or other experiences that affect them deeply in a negative way.

      It sounds like you are the place where the buck stops for many aspects of your life. You're sustaining it all for now, and I hope it never becomes too much for you. But I have been there and know how overwhelming it can feel.

      One of the most important things I've learned from my therapist is that if I do not care for myself, I will not have the resources to care for others.

      If you have questions about what I wrote, I'm happy to do my best to answer them here or elsewhere.

      7 votes
  5. [4]
    I_Like_Turtles
    Link
    Aside from therapy, I think the thing that helped most with actually being able to understand my own emotions (coming from a vaguely similar upbringing I guess) was meditation, and specifically...

    Aside from therapy, I think the thing that helped most with actually being able to understand my own emotions (coming from a vaguely similar upbringing I guess) was meditation, and specifically learning how to ground myself and feel every part of my body.

    You can call it something else (targeted introspection) if you find the idea of meditating too hand-wavey but I found that the thing I was missing when it came to processing my emotions was the actual physical feeling of them.

    Imagine putting a t-shirt on in the morning. About 5s after it's on you don't actively feel it anymore unless you focus on it. Your brain ignores that input stimulus because most of the time it doesn't matter - it's not worth wasting energy on (brains are real good at minimising energy use apparently).

    I found that for me, the same happens with the physical manifestations of emotion, whether that is hot flushing from anger or embarrassment, feeling sick from loneliness or fear, or something else. I'd trained my brain to tune out the emotional inputs and because of that wasn't able to easily access them.

    It's very hard to understand what you're feeling if you don't actually feel - rather I felt like I was analysing what I thought I was feeling rather than actually feeling.

    I didn't spend all that much time specifically meditating - I maybe put a bunch of effort into it for a year or so, but it gave me some tools to rely on where now it feels like I can process and talk about my emotions in minutes to hours rather than weeks.

    Worth a try.

    8 votes
    1. first-must-burn
      Link Parent
      Seconding this. I would bury emotions, especially stress and anger, deep down. It took me a while to learn to pay attention to physical signs from my body that were tied into emotions I was...

      Seconding this.

      I would bury emotions, especially stress and anger, deep down. It took me a while to learn to pay attention to physical signs from my body that were tied into emotions I was feeling.

      I think normally, when people talk about this, they talk about short term physical reactions, like flushing from embarrassment or anger, having your heart rate speed up, etc. That is helpful too, but for me the things I noticed were more like symptoms of chronic illness.

      Once I made that connection, I was able to learn about how I was feeling by observing the physical reactions in my body. "Wow, this is flaring up, I must be more stressed than I realized." From there, I began to have an easier time recognizing the emotions themselves closer to when I was experiencing them in time and space, which made it easier to understand things that triggered those emotions.

      4 votes
    2. [2]
      Sapholia
      Link Parent
      I appreciate your advice. I think learning to meditate would be a valuable skill for me, but it's difficult-to-impossible to corral my ADHD brain into this. Do you have any recommended guides or...

      I appreciate your advice. I think learning to meditate would be a valuable skill for me, but it's difficult-to-impossible to corral my ADHD brain into this. Do you have any recommended guides or tools? I know that meditation is an inward thing that takes practice, and it would be rough at first for everyone, but I think for some people external tools could be necessary to learn it.

      It's true that I have difficulty in being in tune with the physicality of my body as well. I can tell when I'm not feeling well, but it's hard to pinpoint a cause, sometimes. If it could be due to bad food I ate several hours beforehand, for instance, I'll have already forgotten about eating it. Trying to search through the previous day in my head feels like looking for a needle in a haystack. Or maybe that haystack over there. Or the one locked away in the barn that we forgot about. So I will keep this in mind as well, thank you.

      1 vote
      1. I_Like_Turtles
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        I mostly used an app called Waking Up. It's essentially a set of daily guided meditation recordings, starting from nothing. It even has some 'walking meditations' that were incredibly helpful for...

        I mostly used an app called Waking Up. It's essentially a set of daily guided meditation recordings, starting from nothing. It even has some 'walking meditations' that were incredibly helpful for me, as sometimes you don't want to just sit quietly inside and this way, you get to take meditation techniques into the real world.

        I found it to be a rather pragmatic approach to a practice that before, felt to me a bit full of unscientific mumbo-jumbo - which is why I didn't try it earlier. At the end of the day meditation is subjective and different for everyone, and I think Waking Up does a pretty good job of not forcing you down one particular line of thinking or one particular style of meditation.

        NOTE: It's pretty expensive but they have a free 'Scholarship' program for people who can't afford the subscription

        It's true that I have difficulty in being in tune with the physicality of my body as well...

        I used to be very similar to this as well (and sometimes I still am if overwhelmed / tired / stressed).

        I remember reading an article recently (might've been on Tildes actually) that essentially stated that memory formation linked to strong emotions are stronger and therefore much easier to recall - so it's not a surprise to me that actively suppressing the 'feel' of emotions makes it much harder to store and recall particular events.

        I like the idea that memory recall relies on activating a set of neurons strongly enough to trigger the recall of a particular event. Without the 'emotion' input, the other inputs have to be activated much more strongly to recall the same event.

        By being able to associate an emotion with the event we're less reliant on recalling the other specifics (e.g. other physical inputs or recalled people / places etc).

  6. [3]
    Melvincible
    Link
    When I started therapy again this year, it was the first time I was doing it from a place of stability. All the other times I was coming from a crisis. This time, I just wanted to understand...

    When I started therapy again this year, it was the first time I was doing it from a place of stability. All the other times I was coming from a crisis. This time, I just wanted to understand myself better. I really am not great at identifying my emotions, and kind of felt like I only had 5 - angry, sad, happy, confused, and anxious. My therapist has really been reinforcing a practice where I ask myself "where do you feel it in your body?" And then I work hard to recall other times I've felt that way and what was going on then. For example a few weeks ago, one of my ducks died (fox got her). And when I saw her in the morning, I thought I didn't feel anything. By the end of that day though, my shoulders were tense and my throat felt tight, I was HIGHLY irritated at other cars on the road, and at everyone in the grocery store. Trying to make a repair to their coop that evening drove me to the brink of irritable into actual rage. My eyes were vibrating. I also was refusing to ask for help at any point. From this, I could work out that I was actually feeling shame, and sadness, and some regret. Not "nothing". I just needed to find it in my body to make some connections. When my stomach tight I check in with myself, am I scared? When my jaw is clenched I am usually anxious. Etc. But I don't often notice the emotion first, I just feel fucked up physically in some way. I wrote down on my whiteboard "where do you feel it in your body?" for a daily reminder to check in. "Sad" is a much wider range now. So is "anxious". It's been weird for me to try to learn this as an adult, and hard to accept that it wasn't my fault for not learning it as a child, but what can you do? Shame is the biggest one I am working on now because it contains MANY complex emotions that I used to chunk in the "sad" bucket.

    6 votes
    1. [2]
      sparksbet
      Link Parent
      This is really good advice and echoes a lot of stuff I've heard from therapists in the past. I'm sorry about your duck.

      This is really good advice and echoes a lot of stuff I've heard from therapists in the past. I'm sorry about your duck.

      1 vote
      1. Melvincible
        Link Parent
        Thanks <3 Rural life lessons are hard I am finding out :( I'm glad it wasn't worse.

        Thanks <3 Rural life lessons are hard I am finding out :( I'm glad it wasn't worse.

        1 vote
  7. [5]
    smoontjes
    (edited )
    Link
    This helps a lot for me so would it be useful to you too? Wheel of emotions I don't know if it helps recognizing your emotions as I only sometimes struggle with that aspect, but for me at least...

    This helps a lot for me so would it be useful to you too?

    Wheel of emotions

    I don't know if it helps recognizing your emotions as I only sometimes struggle with that aspect, but for me at least this helps put into words what I feel - it's basically a flowchart.

    4 votes
    1. [2]
      Sapholia
      Link Parent
      This may help a lot. Being able to categorize emotions like this seems like it would settle things when my mind wants to go every which way. That said, I attempted to use the wheel to think about...

      This may help a lot. Being able to categorize emotions like this seems like it would settle things when my mind wants to go every which way. That said, I attempted to use the wheel to think about a recent interaction I had in which I snapped at one of my loved ones. I feel as if I could name at least six outer emotions I was feeling at the time, across the categories of Sad, Angry, and Disgusted... is this normal? I know people can feel more than one thing at once, but are you supposed to focus on one main one when using this?

      1 vote
      1. smoontjes
        Link Parent
        Completely normal to feel many emotions at once! I don't think you're meant to focus one a main one. It's more to help you identify exactly what you feel instead of just "bad" or "happy" which was...

        Completely normal to feel many emotions at once!

        I don't think you're meant to focus one a main one. It's more to help you identify exactly what you feel instead of just "bad" or "happy" which was the case for me for a very long time. Finding out what you feel is the first step to finding out what to do about it. Someone linked a long pdf about dbt which is a hell of a mouthful, and it's hard to put into action, but it has a section about where to go after you identify the emotions. Starts in chapter 7, page 202. Especially page 207 would be helpful for you as it's a step by step sort of guide to sort out what's going on in your head. Do note that dialectical behavior therapy is focused on borderline personality disorder, so not all of it will apply to you (I think). Don't worry about skipping things that aren't useful to you

  8. [5]
    DefinitelyNotAFae
    Link
    This is going to be a bit of a different angle, but have you watched Inside Out? If so, can you take a situation and think about which emotion character best fits how you're feeling? It's a bit...

    This is going to be a bit of a different angle, but have you watched Inside Out? If so, can you take a situation and think about which emotion character best fits how you're feeling?

    It's a bit like an emotion wheel exercise but I find that the characters are more relatable and you can eventually sort of go, well it's sort of like Sadness, but it's not as strong as when she's really sad.

    4 votes
    1. [2]
      Melvincible
      Link Parent
      This movie is so good, it's like a movie about internal family systems (therapy type).

      This movie is so good, it's like a movie about internal family systems (therapy type).

      2 votes
      1. DefinitelyNotAFae
        Link Parent
        Yes! I have therapist friends that use it in therapy, especially with the kids, but also with older teens and adults who struggle to identify emotions.

        Yes! I have therapist friends that use it in therapy, especially with the kids, but also with older teens and adults who struggle to identify emotions.

        3 votes
    2. [2]
      Sapholia
      Link Parent
      I have seen it, and I thought it had an extremely important message, as well as just being a great movie. I never actually thought to try to identify with it personally, other than lots of...

      I have seen it, and I thought it had an extremely important message, as well as just being a great movie. I never actually thought to try to identify with it personally, other than lots of sympathy for the portrayed depression...

      It's a thought. I'm not sure whether anthropomorphizing my feelings would help or just make me feel silly, but it's certainly worth ruminating on. Thanks!

      1 vote
      1. DefinitelyNotAFae
        Link Parent
        Fair enough, it can help to see them on other people - and for me, using tools like cartoon representations of emotions is just using a tool. A lot of therapy tools or similar techniques can feel...

        Fair enough, it can help to see them on other people - and for me, using tools like cartoon representations of emotions is just using a tool. A lot of therapy tools or similar techniques can feel silly sometimes but don't worry too much about it. (Or I suppose use the moment to work on identifying emotions) Literally no one has to know but you whether you try it or not. We all get to be silly sometimes.

        2 votes
  9. [3]
    BusAlderaan
    Link
    When I read your post, a few things caught my eye. I want to caveat this with sharing that I myself found out about my neurodivergence late in life and that I think everyone is basically doing the...

    When I read your post, a few things caught my eye. I want to caveat this with sharing that I myself found out about my neurodivergence late in life and that I think everyone is basically doing the best they can. Do what you have the time and energy to do. Lastly, my wife is a therapist and, just by living together for 15 years and the both of us being hyper verbal , I've learned quite a lot from her.

    So these are the parts that jumped out to me the most. My wife and other therapists I've talked to all know that there are clients who come see them, they spend months talking through things, and then things abruptly end, because they're "Not helping" or some other similar reason. From their perspective, they saw where all the work was going, and they believe the clients share a commonality, which is that they bail when a touchy part of themselves get triggered. They'll have a session where the therapist, who hear something months ago that they knew they needed to dig into, challenges the client on something and quickly after the session, they're fired. I'm not saying this is you, but when I read this:

    I never felt like it helped me much.
    and
    we just kept talking past each other
    and
    I super don't have the energy to keep trying new therapists, and waste weeks or months on each one before I figure out we won't click.

    I ask myself one question. If I had seen a bunch of therapists and shopped and shopped, but never found anyone who could help, when do I ask myself the hard question about the commonality amongst all these failed client/mental health professional relationships? It's me.

    I'm not saying it is you, but since you're opening up about how you struggle with emotions and you may have some disdain for "Social scripts," another common male neurodivergent issue, make it seem like a worthy point of interest.

    I recently learned about a new kind of therapy that, as one of it's primary tenants, believes that anxiety is the body's reaction to another emotion we are not comfortable experiencing. So, instead of the emotion, people get the anxiety instead. I'm also not saying that is true for you, but it's what I think about in my head as I read your post. Maybe all these therapist relationships aren't working out, because you aren't fully giving yourself over to the work. It's REALLY hard to do, so that would actually be a really reasonable explanation.

    Good luck in all your work and efforts. I agree with what others have said, that this is life work, there is no quick fix. It will be the work of the rest of your years here.

    4 votes
    1. Sapholia
      (edited )
      Link Parent
      I have been... trying... to be open to this possibility. Heh. Not gonna lie that that part is difficult. I find it pretty hard to trust any doctor, because it seems that in general, they are not...

      If I had seen a bunch of therapists and shopped and shopped, but never found anyone who could help, when do I ask myself the hard question about the commonality amongst all these failed client/mental health professional relationships? It's me.

      I have been... trying... to be open to this possibility. Heh. Not gonna lie that that part is difficult. I find it pretty hard to trust any doctor, because it seems that in general, they are not very well-informed even on common disorders. It does not help that as a woman, I find that what I have to say is often dismissed pretty hard. It does not mean I don't give it the ol' college try every time I talk to one, though, because they definitely cannot help me if I am not straight with them.

      I think most of my therapists from my younger days simply had the wrong end of the stick (probably through no fault of their own), so that's why I think therapy didn't help me much then. The most recent one, though, I have my reasons for thinking she would not have been helpful to me. I should say I actually talked to two therapists in that time period; the first one, I connected with through a free option from my health insurance for a limited number of telehealth visits. She helped me find the second, for what was hopefully going to be a longer term solution. Neither one of them was familiar with the aspect of ADHD I needed help with most desperately -- the inability to start tasks -- despite this being a long-established symptom. (I have made some progress on this on my own, but it's up and down.) This is the sort of thing that makes me think it would be very hard to find someone who can help me; they likely exist, but it could take ages to find them, as well as energy I just don't currently have.

      I know that therapy is hard work. I know it is uncomfortable and often painful. I am willing to go through it to get the help I need. I'm just not willing to be dismissed and infantilized by therapists, because how does that help me if I feel I can't be heard?

      ... you may have some disdain for "Social scripts," another common male neurodivergent issue ...

      Male? Where did that come from?

      I don't have disdain for social scripts. I find them very useful, to be honest. I just think my reliance on them could have contributed heavily to the emotional blindness.

      Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate that your taking the time to write this out.

      1 vote
    2. sparksbet
      Link Parent
      Social scripts are common among neurodivergent folks (particularly autistic people) of all genders, fwiw.

      another common male neurodivergent issue

      Social scripts are common among neurodivergent folks (particularly autistic people) of all genders, fwiw.

  10. [2]
    fxgn
    Link
    Check out the How We Feel app. It's an emotion diary which presents you with an arranged grid of many different emotions and allows you to choose how you feel right now. I found it to be a great...

    Check out the How We Feel app. It's an emotion diary which presents you with an arranged grid of many different emotions and allows you to choose how you feel right now. I found it to be a great way to improve my emotional literacy and understanding of my own feelings.

    https://howwefeel.org/

    3 votes
    1. Sapholia
      Link Parent
      Thank you very much!!

      Thank you very much!!

      2 votes
  11. [2]
    vord
    Link
    If I'm feeling 'jumbled up', I literally sit down with a notebook and interrogate myself: How do you feel? Why do you feel this way? Then just iterate over every item bit by bit, "to the atoms",...

    If I'm feeling 'jumbled up', I literally sit down with a notebook and interrogate myself:

    How do you feel?
    Why do you feel this way?

    Then just iterate over every item bit by bit, "to the atoms", as my kids are fond of saying when Mom and I give too many details.

    If I'm feeling particularly proactive, I'll append with " what can you do about it"

    2 votes
    1. Sapholia
      Link Parent
      Sometimes I do feel jumbled up, but most of the time I think I just don't realize when something is happening that I should recognize. Thank you for the advice, maybe I will be able to do it in...

      Sometimes I do feel jumbled up, but most of the time I think I just don't realize when something is happening that I should recognize. Thank you for the advice, maybe I will be able to do it in times of the former.

      1 vote
  12. [3]
    elight
    Link
    Your life experience sounds similar to my own except only child and ADHD with possible ASD. What has helped me has been ISPDT: Interim Short Term Psychodynamic Therapy. It's sort of the opposite...

    Your life experience sounds similar to my own except only child and ADHD with possible ASD.

    What has helped me has been ISPDT: Interim Short Term Psychodynamic Therapy. It's sort of the opposite of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Instead of being so focused on the thoughts and the "trap" buckets they fall into, ISPDT is about identifying the sensations in the body, finding a name for them as emotions, and then being present for the emotion, however difficult.

    I have an outstanding therapist who is licensed in DC and MD. Not sure that's helpful to you. I've worked with him for several years and can mostly say that I'm "healthy" now. Barring multiple crises this past year, I'd probably be on occasional maintenance with him.

    2 votes
    1. [2]
      Sapholia
      Link Parent
      That's a new term for me, thank you. I haven't heard of this type of therapy before. It sounds very... well, intense. I forgot to mention that, whether as a cause or consequence of this, I think I...

      That's a new term for me, thank you. I haven't heard of this type of therapy before. It sounds very... well, intense. I forgot to mention that, whether as a cause or consequence of this, I think I wall off strong emotions a lot. I don't know how to deal with them. Maybe that sort of therapy would be highly uncomfortable but ultimately good for me. (I don't think therapy is ever supposed to be comfortable, but that sounds next level...!)

      I wish I could take you up on your therapist recommendation, but I'm nowhere near. Thank you for the offer though.

      1. elight
        Link Parent
        If you can tell me where you are, I can ask mine tomorrow for a recommendation. It's a small world in his circles, I suspect. It is intense, especially at first as you learn how the therapist...

        If you can tell me where you are, I can ask mine tomorrow for a recommendation. It's a small world in his circles, I suspect.

        It is intense, especially at first as you learn how the therapist works. The therapist has to challenge/push you to engage with your feelings instead of avoiding them.

        Before this work, my emotions were mostly primary colors only: sadness, depression, anger, fear, excitement. I could only experience one at a time. Sure, there's plenty of times where I'm not in touch with my feelings but, if I stop to check, I can find them now. And they're more nuanced.

        1 vote
  13. [3]
    Raspcoffee
    Link
    Personally, it was a long journey for me to properly recognize my emotions, accepting them, regulating them, and so on. Back on Reddit I've also talked with many, many people suffering from all...

    Personally, it was a long journey for me to properly recognize my emotions, accepting them, regulating them, and so on. Back on Reddit I've also talked with many, many people suffering from all sorts of mental health issues and their journeys are often quite different.

    Personally, three things helped me a lot,. First was, of course, therapy, but you already mentioned struggling with getting a fit. Second was having friends I could really trust to talk about this. This doesn't mean trustworthy friends by itself, but also trusting that they had the emotional intelligence and capacity to talk about this. Not everyone does, emotional intelligence is unfortunately very underappreciated in society...

    The last, and third was simple. Reading about emotions. If you want to start, my suggestion would be Permission to Feel. This book helped me a lot.

    That said, I also want to ask something else. These 'scripts' you follow, do you also follow them with psychologists? If so your issues may be more related to masking rather than emotional regulation. And, if so, another question arises:

    Do you present yourself how you think you should present yourself? Including in therapy, and perhaps even here? Masking is one thing, but presenting yourself differently in all situations is another.

    2 votes
    1. [2]
      Sapholia
      Link Parent
      Thank you for the book rec! Definitely putting that on my reading list. About the scripts: that is a good question. I've had a policy for as long as I can remember, to always be scrupulously...

      Thank you for the book rec! Definitely putting that on my reading list.

      About the scripts: that is a good question. I've had a policy for as long as I can remember, to always be scrupulously honest with medical professionals. But back before I was truly aware of what I was doing, I may have said what I thought they wanted to hear. I would not have lied to them, but maybe tried to take "shortcuts"... I can't figure out how to explain this very well.

      Anyway, nowadays, the only script I follow with medical professionals is the one I've worked out beforehand, to try to word my issue as clearly as possible. I'm not very good at articulating in the moment, so this is something I have to do a lot. With my latest therapist, my attempts at dropping my mask may have been what was behind the failure... when she set me to do a particular exercise, for instance, I was honest about how I couldn't see the benefit, rather than just passively doing it and hoping for results. I did it willingly anyway, but I wanted her to know where I was approaching it from, for the most clarity.

      On Tildes, I think I've been presenting myself more honestly than I ever have in online spaces, other than with close friends. I think seeing so many people share how they think differently from the norm has made me comfortable in doing the same. I'm not sure I would ever have asked this question anywhere else.

      4 votes
      1. Raspcoffee
        Link Parent
        Would this also include professional help incidentally? As food for thought, as that could impact how helpful therapy could be. That said, another thing that I think is often neglected is that...

        I'm not sure I would ever have asked this question anywhere else.

        Would this also include professional help incidentally? As food for thought, as that could impact how helpful therapy could be. That said, another thing that I think is often neglected is that people sometimes need a proper timing for therapy. As seeking help and receiving it are a kind of skill on it's own. And you're honing that skill right now too which, good job!

        1 vote
  14. irregularCircle
    Link
    You can listen to music in your current mood (have to figure that out first) and move gradually to music more how you'd like to feel

    You can listen to music in your current mood (have to figure that out first) and move gradually to music more how you'd like to feel

    1 vote
  15. roo1ster
    Link
    Congratulations!!! You've already completed the first and most elusive step in that process... Recognizing that your life would benefit from doing so. I'm going to badly misquote and fail to...

    Congratulations!!! You've already completed the first and most elusive step in that process... Recognizing that your life would benefit from doing so.

    I'm going to badly misquote and fail to attribute the expert on narcissism I watched a few months back on youtube. The person interviewing them asked how modern Western medicine diagnoses narcissism. The response was to me jarring and darkly humorous, and possibly applies to many other ?mental health issues?

    "To diagnose narcissism, the subject must first recognize that their self centered behaviors are negatively impacting their lives and want to take action to change their behaviors. Otherwise? They're just a jerk."

    1 vote
  16. roo1ster
    Link
    Silver lining if your experience is similar to mine (I grew up with an emotionally abusive older sibling and emotionally blind parents who were unable to get involved until/unless physical...

    Silver lining if your experience is similar to mine (I grew up with an emotionally abusive older sibling and emotionally blind parents who were unable to get involved until/unless physical violence was involved).

    I've recently discovered that one of my survival skills was a heightened ability to detect emotions in others. I had 2 spect brain scans last week. The part of my brain associated with detecting emotion was anomalously lit up on the resulting image on both the active scan and the passive scan.

    All of which is to say, I too struggle with identifying my own emotions (I had to dampen them in order to fully focus on staying off my sibling's radar). BUT. I also already have overdeveloped neural networks in place to identify emotions, so my work will be in learning to direct all that hardware at myself.

  17. [2]
    Comment removed by site admin
    Link
    1. Sapholia
      Link Parent
      Thanks for the book rec! Adding it to my list.

      Thanks for the book rec! Adding it to my list.

      2 votes