How do you get emotional and/or mental comfort from others?
I am realizing as I age that when I’m feeling unwell in some kind of way, I cannot be comforted by others.
I have friends and family and sometimes a romantic partner who try to comfort me, and while I am thankful for their support, I never feel comforted. I know what doesn’t work but I cannot provide them with what I want or need because I don’t know what I want or need to feel comforted.
So, how do you get emotional or mental comfort from others?
Edit - I wanted to start a conversation about how you (the reader) feel comfort from others. Thank everyone so much for the tips for me, but that was very much not the point and I can see now how that was unclear. Thanks again, everyone!
To the powers that be: if there is better phrasing, please help me out with the title.
I always highly, highly suggest therapy or having a third party counselor or something similar, if you can afford it. I feel a lot of the same things that you do, like the "of course you'd say that" kinda deal, but having a third party person that isn't involved in your life in any way besides your well being helps bring objectivity in my opinion. Of course, healthcare in America is kinda BS so ymmv.
I've recently started therapy myself, after a lifetime of "I don't need therapy" thinking, because I know of other people who have it worse. I wish I had done it decades ago, because I have unnecessarily struggled and stumbled through situations that I didn't know how to deal with emotionally. What's worse, I took my own frustrations and shortcomings out on my loved ones, and tied my own emotions to theirs which has strained relationships. I've taught the same things to my kid by doing it in front of them.
OP: how should you be comforted by others? You really shouldn't. It's not their job to comfort you. It's not their responsibility to make you feel better when you don't feel happy. And it's not your responsibility to make them feel better. Our emotions are our own to cope with. There's nothing wrong for being there for someone when they're sad, but our habit of feeling sad ourselves for them is unhealthy.
I completely understand what you mean about not feeling comfort from others. For me, it's still hard. Really hard.
Mostly though, personally - I use other people as sounding boards. It's nice just to talk things out, why you're feeling bad. The other thing is to just approach it from a place of gratitude. Even if it doesn't "feel comforting" - the fact that someone is going out of their way to try and help you, that should make you loved, when you really stop to think about it.
Also, just give yourself a break. It's really hard to learn that it's OK to not be OK sometimes.
Gratitude— Absolutely! I was sure to include that in my post because I am very thankful for the support around me.
And you’re right, I need to learn to cut myself some slack. Good reminder!
Trust me, I get how hard it can be to cut yourself some slack. Everyone can use a reminder now and again.
I had a damn hard time with it this last year. A company just absolutely fucked me about a year ago -- I accepted their offer (declining another in the process)... and they rescinded it literally 2 days before the moving truck got to my house. The rest of my family had already started the move.
What I do is pretty niche, but very valuable to the right company (I have a PhD in Cognitive Science & MS in Statistics). It took me a fucking year to get another job, but I finally just started -- literally today. And I make even more money than I would've at the fucked-me job.
I was in a really bad place for a lot of that... but I survived. That's how I'm cutting myself some slack right now. I did what I had to. It sucked, I made some poor choices. I spent waaaay more than I should have on pot and alcohol.
But yeah, fuck it. I'm OK that I wasn't OK for a lot of that, now at least. I survived. Six figures, healthy family, I'm happy again.
Spot on! I have struggled with depression throughout my life and have it mostly under control through therapy and medication. The comfort thing has been concurrent with depression. Thank you for calling out a warning sign, truly!
I was hoping that my anecdote would spark a conversation about comfort and less about myself though.
Agreed. Very true. Didn't even think about it consciously myself (as an MDD sufferer) in my main comment above.
Things that should give you positive feelings, but don't -- anhedonia (and related) -- very much depression symptoms.
My wife. That's about it. My friends are male, and, as a group, heterosexual men are not very good at giving emotional support to each other. We are somewhat capable of comforting female partners. Male friends, not so much. Unsurprisingly, sarcasm and banter do not provide much solace.
Other than that, my therapist. But she's paid to do that.
It is regrettable that, for men, in much of the world, the role of comforting and advising seems restricted to paid professional care. Which is useful, but does not replace the role of a good friend, a community reference, or someone you look up to.
I really only believe that this is a modern Western phenomenon, saying that it happens in most of the world normalizes it
I strongly urge you to be the change you'd like to see in the world. There was a time, not too long ago, when hyper individuality and hyper masculinity were not the norm. A friend of yours is having a hard time? Ask them out for a drink or an activity that affords the ability to carry a conversation. Be there for them and offer them support. On the flip side, if you're having a problem find a trusted friend you can confide in and actually give it a shot.
I liken this to the studies showing that people think that they would hate engaging with a stranger but that when they actually did, both parties came out of the encounter feeling better. We are build to be social, even among heterosexual men. I find that most men just think that other men won't or can't be receptive to this, and sometimes that may be true due to deep seated issues with vulnerability (but that is an entirely different conversation), but I can assure you that a lot of men would come away from these situations feeling better that they recieved support from another man
Take this with a grain of salt, I'm just spitting out my first, unrefined thoughts.
I think if it's truly restricted to "other men" and not just "others" then it wouldn't be a vulnerability issue per individual, but rather a sexism issue. What I mean is, if men can feel comfortable being vulnerable with women but not men, what does that say? That "men will ____ if I open up to them, whereas women won't." My guess is that the blank could be filled with a general "think I'm coming on to them" or "think I'm weak and therefore not worth associating with" or something along those lines. And "that is something to be avoided" apparently, because society currently paints feminine emotions (often associated with gay men as well as children) as lesser than masculine emotions. Feminine emotions are identifiable usually by them being passive rather than active. Fear, sadness, guilt, shame... these all pretty much cause stagnation or at least a slowed-down behavior. Whereas anger is an emotion that usually causes action. Which is why mens' sadness, fear, etc either manifests as anger, or not at all (and ends up bottled up, which then festers - possibly into anger, ironically - just at a later date when the trauma and mental scars of emotional self neglect have already happened).
I would hope that, once masculinity and femininity are truly equal in terms of value in society, this vulnerability issue among men would improve. Unless something else crops up (which, let's be honest... it will, since old people/socially conservative people will absolutely raise cane if we were to attempt to normalize this masculine/feminine equality).
I don't think that everyone can be comforted this way.
I, personally, find that other people give me comfort when they can help me solve my problem. Barring that, maybe they can distract me from it for a while.
But in most cases, I do best nursing my feelings on my own. Venting to someone else seems to do me very little good, and having another person there makes it harder for me to focus solely on myself, which inhibits the healing process. I'm not completely sure why this is, but I think a big part of it is that I am an introvert, and so an energy-sapping social interaction is counterproductive when I'm already struggling through a very draining emotion.
The only exception to this that I can think of: If I am experiencing a very specific bad emotion for a very specific reason (for example, I am grieving because a loved one died), it can be helpful to be around people experiencing the same emotion for the same reason (for example, attending a funeral for that loved one and being around people who loved them and miss them as much as I do). But for most negative experiences, this is not an option.
In all other cases, what really helps me, more than anything else, is to partake in some kind of expressive outlet — especially writing or talking into a recorder. I also find that long walks in nature, hard physical work, and aggressive video games can do wonders for me when I'm processing a negative emotion.
Everyone experiences comforting differently. I want radically different things than my partner or my parents and communication is key. For me, I like to wallow in it sometimes and problem solving just comes off as trying to get me to stop being mopey. I have to ask them to just let me be, be a bit more patient with me, and, if they really want to help, engage in small gestures like making my favorite dinner or picking up my favorite bread. In some cases it's enough to pause the amount I need to be the rock for people. People don't always want to provide that kind of support, but I really appreciate when they do.
I'd try to figure out when you DO feel supported to give you a jumping off point for what to ask for and then have some of those harder conversations. Most folks want to help, they just don't know how.
Not to do armchair psychology though, - or maybe just a lil bit - but it is quite an interesting dynamic this thread showcased:
OP asked:
But prefaced it with:
Oh and lest we not forget:
It is relevant, because as I freely associate I fantasize about this aging fellow (him or her or X), who has been through things. Who, through the years, is not able to vulnerable and thus cannot be comforted. He/she/x has a painful look, but trying to reach down to the core, all but walls can be seen by the outsider. A feeling of empathy arises. Or is it sympathy?
Instead of entertaining the question, subject I wants to provide tips for object OP. In the helping of others, the subject wants to fill a desire that is evoked by the object. To be useful, to be a savior maybe?
Or maybe it is easier to not be vulnerable. To be the one that has the walls high. To not be able to be comforted. Because that’s too vulnerable. We/you/I rather be the ones that comfort others, than be the ones that long to be comforted. Probably.
Dear OP, thank you for this post. As itself and its reactions show us maybe something about the human condition. Or I read to much into it and this reply shows primarily something about me. Probably.
It would be hard to say without witnessing firsthand how this typically plays out for you. But I would say that when you talk to people close to you about something, remember that the comfort you get is going to be centered around the actual utility of what a conversation is: sharing information. I think there can sometimes be a script or an image in our mind of how these sorts of things should look like or play out, but fundamentally there's something practical you're trying to get out of these conversations. Think about what that might be for you, and that might help.
I think "showing care" could work as evidence that you have friends and family who care about you, and even strangers can be helpful sometimes. In this sense, what they say might not matter that much compared to being there?
So this might seem a little backwards, and comes with the caveat that the relationship is safe and healthy, but I've noticed when I can't be fully comforted I do something nice for the person I need comfort from. It'll be small, and within my abilities relative to how bad the depression is; so like getting them a treat from the grocery store I know they like, or doing a chore that's usually their responsibility. I think it creates a more concrete "reason" for the help they're trying to give me in my brain, and makes it easier for me to connect with and receive comfort from their efforts. Obviously this can easily become a maladaptive coping mechanism, so use mindfully, but I do find it helpful in the kinds of mental spaces you described.
Yeah, honestly I have that too, but the bad kind. For me, everything social is a transaction and my mind will cause myself more pain if someone is selflessly helping me. Like it will guilt trip me the entire time. Even worse if they miss some opportunity in their life because of me. And if/when I get better, there's an assumption in my mind that they expect me to "pay" them. But if I "pay" in advance, I can relax and that helps me accept and utilize the help, since I'm not distracted with trying to figure out repayment while also trying to figure out how to heal, how and if I can utilize their help, and what if their help doesn't help but I'm still expected to pay? What if it does help, but I'm not healed to the point of being able to repay them by the time they're done helping me?
My mind is a true mess. I'm kind of done trying to fix it at this point. Any help I could enlist "needs to be repaid", but doing it on my own is too exhausting and confusing.
Honestly, my dog is probably the only one able to give me that comfort. I do have a partner and friends who do their best, but as you say, it can be hard to articulate what I need or why something isn't feeling helpful. My dog ... doesn't actually care what I need. She doesn't need guidance on what to do because she wouldn't actually do anything anyway. I'm not even sure she recognizes that I'm upset. And something about that lack of pressure (maybe? This isn't quite the right word but I can't think how else to phrase it) makes her presence very comforting to me. She sits on my feet and I pet her and have feelings, and that process brings me (eventually) comfort at a level that human beans can't really achieve for me.
I recognize that this is not very helpful for working out how to utilize your interpersonal support network, but maybe it is helpful to think of other routes to find find a comforting presence?
My evil twin would tell other men that crying is almost a “cheat code” for getting sympathy from women, if you are sick of tired of getting angry and complaining that the women in your life freeze up like statues, give it a try.
A discovery I made around that time is that Chinese have historically had different attitudes about men, anger and sadness. The (great) TV series Three Kingdoms has lots of scenes of legendary warriors, some of history’s toughest guys, crying their eyes out. When I was also in a situation when I absolutely had to suppress my anger I developed a technique of flooding myself with sadness (go to the war memorial and read the names if you have to.). I could not find this in the western psychology literature but sure enough Chinese literature in translation showed that it was known over there for centuries.
Have you been diagnosed with a personality disorder? It may account for why you can't get comfort from others. I have what's called schizoid personality disorder (not to be confused with schizophrenia), and one of the symptoms I deal with is an inability to be comforted by people, emotionally or otherwise.