Grief and guilt
I don't usually write things like this, but I'm having difficulty and think I need to get it out. I had to put down my dog Willow on Monday (two days ago, as of writing), and I am not okay.
This is not the first pet I've lost. Several childhood pets, but those weren't really mine, they were my parents', and so I didn't have the same level of responsibility over the animal as I did with Willow.
Even of my pets, this is not the first loss. In 2022, I adopted a retired working dog Yukon and an elderly cat Gomez. We lost Yukon in May 2024 (aspiration pneumonia due to megaesophagus) and Gomez in May 2025 (renal failure). The renal failure was a prolonged decline, and so while we tried to manage the disease we had some time to come to terms with things. The pneumonia was very fast decline and more of a shock. I loved them both, but this now feels much worse. I guess because I only really knew them 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 years respectively. I feel guilty about that, like it shouldn't matter and I should have grieved for them the same, but I don't.
This was the first pet that was mine, in the sense that my wife and I have had full responsibility for her the entire 10 years we've had her. She was the best behaved dog I've ever had. Always by my side at home. Especially when I worked from home during/after Covid lockdowns I took her with me wherever I could. Loyal. I just killed her.
Well, I didn't do it, we took her to a vet and they did typical euthanasia. It doesn't feel like the difference matters.
Willow also had renal failure, which we learned about at stage 3 (already severe) in January. The past few months have brought back a lot of pain about Gomez since it was the same disease. Realistically, the fact she made it all the way to May still walking on her own is remarkable. Meals have been challenging for the past month or so. Since late last week she refused to eat, and her condition deteriorated quickly over the weekend. We knew this was coming, but childishly it somehow felt like she'd just keep going forever because she'd been doing so well. Of course that's not how it works, but I guess it's easier to imagine that things are normal.
I think we gave her the best final day we could. We took her to the same pet stores, park, restaurants we used to take her to when she was in her prime. I got her some drive-thru chicken nuggets, her favorite, and she actually ate all of them! She must have been hungry. I want to believe I could have kept feeding her fast food for a few more days or weeks or months, but I know it's simply not true. She moved slow, but still walked on her own at the park and pet store. By the time we arrived at the vet she seemed satisfied, tired, and ready for a nap.
I don't know.
As I say, I've done this before and I roughly know the "usual" advice about grief and how it seems to work for me. My wife and I support each other. We still have other pets, and it helps a little to hold them. Enduring a death the same month three years in a row is taking its toll. All our other pets seem healthy and relatively young, and I'm not superstitious, but some deep emotional part of me can't help but fear May 2027. I think I'm just tired.
Our cat Pinto, still a 9-month old kitten, we've had since she was newborn and abandoned by her mother. We think she was abandoned because she couldn't latch properly to nurse, so we fed her on bottle day and night. Given how much it hurt about Yukon and Gomez after just a couple years, already old when we adopted them, and how much it hurts now about Willow after 11 years, who was a young adult when we adopted her, I am terrified of losing Pinto. I know it'll happen. I don't know what I'll do.
The quality of the pain doesn't really feel new, but the quantity is so much worse than I expected. Feeling guilty about that is new. The fear is new. Not really sure how to process it. You're not supposed to have favorites but I guess you do anyway.
I don't really know what I'm trying to get out of posting this. Pity? Not really. I guess I just need to get it out of my head. I'll probably look back at this thread in a few days to see what people have said but I think I just need to get this out and step away from it for a while and process.
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I had to do this with our family dog that we had since he was a puppy last fall and it took me months to fully get over it. I think you know you did the right thing here. It is natural, or at least common, to second guess yourself about everything you did for you pet and beat yourself up over it. I surely did it to myself. You should try to give yourself some grace. You loved your dog and did everything you reasonably could for her. I takes time to grief and recover from loss. Just try to not let it steer you in any crazy directions.
Same position here. Overcome with all the feelings of "If I just would've had more money we could've kept trying." But as someone on this site told me once, "it's better to let them go a day too early than a day too late." You did the hardest thing, but it was still important.
I'm sorry for your loss friend; carrying that grief just means you loved fiercely and the memories are evidence of that.
I'm going through the same thing. We let go of my lil buddy Monday. Batman was the first guy that was ours. He was about 17, dude had an insane constitution, oh the stories I could tell. We got Robin second but she was the first of ours to pass, a couple years ago now, somewhat suddenly. She had neurological problems, but an event during Thanksgiving was when she departed.
Batman got the best final day we could muster, chicken nuggets included. The weather was nice. He liked flashy anime with big swords.
Such a mix of grief and guilt, I'm not OK either, collapsing sobbing several times a day. Thing is, you feel guilty for doing it, but you'd also feel guilty for waiting too long. I don't think there's any "beating" the guilt when you're responsible for them, I hope processing the grief helps you move through it. We gave him the best life we could, I'm sure you did the same for Willow.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope it feels a little less lonely hearing someone else going through it too. It isn't fair, it fucking sucks.
I am so sorry you are suffering with this. (and carrow, too.)
I am old enough to have dealt with this a lot. Pets are family to me, and like you, the responsibility and the grief are deep. Last year we lost our 3 senior cats in a 3 month period-- cancer, multiple organ failure and kidney disease. They were 18, 20 and 21, but that really didn't matter. If anything we were more attached and their loss was tangible. I lost two dogs to the same very rare blood cancer 7 years apart.
Here's the thing. Euthanizing them is killing them, but they were going to die, no matter how well you cared for them or how much you loved them. Maybe they would have had a few more days or more, but they would have been days of suffering. you took that suffering from them, and in a way took it on yourself. That is love. The pain you feel is love. The guilt, well that is the byproduct of forgetting for a moment that you could not have stopped the process, all you could do is make is as gentle for them as possible. You bore your responsibilities to them all the way to the end.
When I was young, my first cat had kidney failure and I kept her going for years. I could not bear to put her to sleep. She died having seizures on the way to the vet. That first dog with the rare cancer? She died from seizures the next day while we were waiting for the lab results. We tried rushing her back to the vet but didn't make it. The look in her eyes between seizures--confusion, terror...I would not wish such a thing on any creature. I was my mother's caretaker when she died of cancer, during Covid. It was not painless or gentle. What we do for our pets, when we can do it, is in my opinion, the best gift we can possibly give them.