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On the modern prevalence of ghosting - Social disappearing acts reflect the deepening inhumanity of a technology-addled, coldly transactional world
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- Title
- What Ghosting Says About Society (And Why it Hurts So Much)
- Authors
- Émile P. Torres
- Published
- Sep 28 2023
- Word count
- 3543 words
The author is showing a very strong bias toward sympathizing with the ghosted person, citing repeatedly how harmful and morally bankrupt the behavior is and offering only very narrow concrete reasons why ghosting would ever be acceptable. The article runs on and on as if it's written by a jilted lover who desperately needs to vent incessantly.
Honestly I can see how ghosting is harmful. But I also think there's a wide variety of factors and psychology at play that should be considered and give ghosting a lot more nuance than the article achieves.
For example - and this is just one scenario out of many - it's entirely possible in this "technological world" that the author points out, that some people have grown more self-absorbed and display communication styles that may leave a partner, friend, or family member, feeling unheard or even steamrolled. While others may exhibit a communication style that, while they believe is clearly and obviously making valid points, is far too wishy-washy and meandering for others to understand who want it all served up more bluntly black-and-white.
Perhaps the ghosted person missed repeated subtle hints, or even not so subtle, and has left the ghoster feeling that there's no other options. Instead of "getting into it again" with no middle ground ever reached for compromise, they're exhausted by the ordeal and decide its best to simply cut and run.
After reading this exposition, I'm left with the impression that the author has been left baffled by this one too many times. Maybe I'm being too severe there, but dude, seriously, that article was a rant.
I was trying to come up with a similar sentiment, but I could not come up with a way to write it eloquently.
The few times in my life that I have "ghosted" anyone, it is after a series of unpleasant interactions where there was an attempt to discuss offending behavior and getting nowhere.
The most egregious example was a family member drinking diluted bleach and attempting to give it to kids. There was an attempt to discuss that she was welcome to poison herself, but she was not going to be let anywhere near my kids if she continued trying to give it to them. To no surprise, she tried again. I cut off any contact with her after this.
According to people tangentially related to both of us, she has claimed that I "ghosted" her with no rhyme or reason as an attempt to hurt her. This could not be further from the truth, at least from my point of view.
A simple text saying I'm never talking to you again makes it no longer ghosting.
It also acts as an invitation to the ghostee to rehash the same arguments that caused the person to want to ghost them in the first place, and in the worst of cases, acts as "proof" for how irrational the person cutting them off is.
I have been ghosted; I have ghosted people. I have tried sending a final "I'm never talking to you again" text; I have received that text before. Every situation that has ended with a "final" text has become the most bitter, angry, hurtful end of relationships. I would 1000000% rather be ghosted or ghost someone than send a "final" text, which will inevitably reignite the hostility that brought us to that point in the first place.
Right. Not only that, but why burn the bridge? If the person you’re ghosting at some point comes back with a straightforward addressing of the issues at hand and a genuine apology, one can decide then if they get a second chance- or if you want to reframe the relationship into something different or more distant. It can be grayer.
Thanks for the clear thoughtful response. I agree with you and I disagree strongly with the writer that option 3 is helpful or needed or beneficial at all. Someone who can't accept a one line statement of disengaging from the relationship doesn't deserve further answers in my view.
I do however think that proactively saying that one is disengaging can save time and avoid confusion, especially in the context of an established relationship. I think it's different for first or second dates, but agree with the author that clarity is a form of being considerate. I also think it's shitty if potential employers ghost candidates after an involved interview process.
Perhaps you're right. Technically that does make sense. But would that sort of insignificant final end-text with no hint of an explanation make it any better? If I received that text, I would still probably be hurt and really need answers, maybe even more so than if I heard nothing. At least if I heard nothing, I could validate it in my head by thinking the ghoster is just crazy or a mess or something. Like what kind of person would just ghost me completely? If I ran it over im my head and still couldn't come up with any possible reasons whatsoever, then either I'm crazy or they're crazy! But either way, it's not working and I don't want that kind of immaturity in my life!
To add, I wrote what I wrote first from the perspective of someone who has done the ghosting twice in the past three years. Both times were to long term friends where things were deteriorating over time and who just could not hear me when I wanted to have an honest raw and mature conversation. Totally lied and steamrolled over me when I stopped fiting into the happy little box that they wanted me to neatly fit into. And left me no choice but to literally change my phone number and go no-contact.
To add to the adding, I just realized that you may know or even be the actual author of this article, in which case, now I fee like a dummy for coming at it like I did! If so, my apologies. If you felt hurt and conflicted from being ghosted, you certainly don't need internet strangers passing judgements on your writing on top of that! If so, my condolences.
I think their are two separate ways to take the article. The first would be that ghosting has strong psychological impact and should be reserved for extreme situations, a nuclear option, possibly like what you are talking about.
The second would be that ghosting should always be avoided in favor of a brief communication that provides certainty/closure about the fact that it is an intentional decision/ choice to end the relationship.
It's one opinion on the internet. Ghosting from physical relationships did exist, rarely but it goes back forever. Also it was recognized as extremely hurtful to the ones left behind.
Also, you used to meet people and get given a fake number and move on with your life, not talk about the psychological horror of people not talking to you.
The number of people who've forgotten you after one encounter far outnumbers the number of people who you've been ghosted by. I mean, it's not fun but after, like, three days just stop expecting they'll respond and, if they do after that, let them know your expectations on communication.
"What _______ says about society and why it hurts so much" does give off that vibe, for sure.
At the risk of writing a very ironic sentence - this might be the most dramatic article about dating/human behavior that I have seen. "Bloodless violence"? Comparing ghosting to the death of a loved one? This is very, very strong language.
Now, I'll admit I'm probably at the opposite side of the spectrum as far as attachment styles or communication styles go, compared to the author, so my reaction might be just as biased as her perspective is. I tend to operate with the assumption that people generally don't owe each other anything, except to not be actively cruel. I generally reject the concept that doing nothing can be ever classified as emotional or psychological abuse (outside of child neglect, since caretakers inherently owe a child active care and connection, and the child has no choice in the situation.) It sounds very painful to live a life in which someone doing nothing could cause such emotional turmoil, but it doesn't mean it is always the responsibility of others to prevent that.
I haven't dated for many years, but when I listen to my friends' stories about dating, I'm astonished when people use the word "ghosting" as a way to villainize someone who simply stopped talking to them after 1-2 dates, or even after a few days of casual messaging on a dating app. I think using the term ghosting in the way this article does is only reasonable when in reference to a long term committed relationship. And really, the majority of "ghosting" is done in the earlier stages of dating, at which point zero promises have been made to one another. Or it's done in friendships where we have no guidebook for how "breakups" are supposed to work, or even an assumption that breakups are appropriate for friendships.
Perhaps these "psychopathic, machiavellian" ghosters are just slightly avoidant people. Maybe the ghoster assumes that not everyone they come in contact with wants to be notified of the fact that the ghoster doesn't like them anymore (as someone mentioned in elsewhere in the comments.) Maybe the ghoster was overwhelmed with other things going on in their life, or couldn't decide if they wanted to continue with the relationship, and once they got around to thinking about sending a "breakup" text to someone they only saw for a number of dates, they figured enough time had passed that it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. I'm sure some ghosters are insecure and simply assume that they would be laughed at if they were to send a breakup/goodbye text to someone who wasn't even expecting one at all. More compassion all around would be good.
Something I've noticed with people who identify with or have the characteristics of "anxious attachment style" (and the author seems like that type of person,) is that they are always sure that the behavior of others centers around them, and somehow means something about them or how the other person feels about them. The ghoster must think of them as human trash! The ghoster must hate them! People who don't text back in 24 hours must be doing so because of disinterest in them! In reality, it's much more likely that the less communicative person simply got a bit busy, wasn't sure how they wanted to handle the situation, or legitimately had no idea that some people view these types of things so negatively. I've seen my sister destroy countless potential relationships based on the assumption that slight reductions in communication were due to the other person's dislike or disrespect of her. As someone a bit more on the avoidant side, I'm almost positive that a good number of those guys just had a busy few days/weeks or other stresses in their lives. The whole dating world seems like a war of misunderstandings between people with different expectations of what is normal or good.
I mean no offense with my comment, boxer, and I'm glad you posted the article. It was a captivating read. Certainly, we all have gaps to cover when it comes to how we treat each other, understand each other, and interpret each other's actions. The article was a good look into how one type of person views ghosting. Near the end, it started to touch on the very human and innocent factors that can cause avoidant behavior (just like the very human and innocent factors that cause anxious or overbearing behavior.) I just wish they had gone a bit further in that direction, to balance out some of the frankly extreme accusations in the rest of the article, and to provide more clarity for people who have been negatively impacted by ghosting.
I might come back and engage with your points later, Catahoula. Right now I will say that I hoped the article would spark debate, so thank you for contributing!.
My personal opinion does not precisely overlap with that of the author. I do think that there are moments in which ghosting is the correct interpersonal strategy. I am concerned that it is becoming too prevalent and a choice that people make too casually. Possibly more later. Best regards.
I got ghosted by multiple companies after multiple interviews. I was flabbergasted.
Job hunting is so painful anyway. Ghosting after multiple interviews is unnecessary cruelty. A three line email saying sorry but you weren't selected is not too much to ask.
Agreed. My assumption was they were keeping me on the back burner (I did essentially get 2nd place in a fair number of interviews), and they forgot after... but still, not emailing is crazy.
I completed a 4th interview and was ghosted. I followed up with all involved and remained ghosted. They talk about being "professional" in the workplace and how responding to emails in a timely manner is important, but failed to respond at all. Fuck em, got a job elsewhere.
Right!? I just can't comprehend the level of cognitive dissonance involved for some of these HR "people" (quotes because I couldn't figure out the right way to classify and insult them at the same time).
Anyone that champions 'professionalism' and follows it up with a ghosting isn't just a bad hiring manager - - they're sociopathic. The silver lining, on this side at least, is not being hired to work for said sociopaths.
Yeah applying for jobs is my only real experience of being ghosted.
I get recruiters ghosting me before I even get to the interview stage. Like, you reached out to me my dude. Although I assume half of the time it is because I always ask salary range and then watch them squirm out of answering that question.
Job hunting is the only area where I think there really should be an obligation to respond with an overt negative. I think this is required to some extent here in Germany, and I was genuinely surprised when my partner got emails with polite "sorry we went with someone else" messages, having come from the US where I grew up essentially expecting the a "no response means no" strategy.
I had an opportunity, years later, to speak to two men who I felt I "ghosted" on.
At the time, ceasing to respond to their calls and e-mails was the culmination of a long string of very explicit conversations:
It was agonizing to turn away from their pleas, because I cared about them deeply. But I felt I wouldn't be doing them any favors by giving them the slightest hope of reconciliation.
Even many years later, their recollections of the situation were very different. They felt I just "disappeared" on them, were still deeply hurt that I "threw away" years of their love...
Despite the fact that they did get professional help eventually and turned their lives around as a result, I found their attitudes and emotional states repellent in the present day. I haven't maintained contact since speaking to them, and in a sense, have ghosted them all over. But I feel less guilty about it afterwards.
Perhaps that means I'm a cold, Machiavellian sociopath, but I've had others who know them (and some who they also wounded) tell me I did the right thing.
Nah, it sounds like you did the responsible and mature thing. Also, if these are romantic relationships (assuming because you mention their gender), or even unreciprocated romantic relationships, it’s always acceptable to create space or avoid contact when the other party is looking for something you don’t want to participate in. Doing otherwise often send the wrong signals and can even be a personal safety issue, and i say this as a man.
Some men think they’re entitled to women’s attention or affection, and that’s just not the case.
Obviously this can be true for any gender dynamic, I’ve just seen it most frequently in cis relationships
See, what you are describing doesn't sound like ghosting to me at all. You gave clear warning. At that point it is on them.
Everyone is going to set that boundary a little different. But to me, I don't call what you did ghosting, just cutting off contact.
What I'm hoping is that I'm not prone to the same rear-view blindness that they are. I look back at the person I was at the time, and wonder if I had the emotional and communication skills to be as clear about my feelings and intentions as it seems in hindsight.
Honestly, I wish we all got a pass on the various forms of terrible mistake-by-inexperience that happen before age 25 or so.
I agree with you on the mistake by inexperience before 25 issue. We could all use a get out of jail free card there.
However, sometimes extremely agreeable people don't protect their boundaries strongly enough. Particularly when it comes to dating, some people are aggressive and persistent and blind to the wishes of the person they want to date. It's unfortunate, but after a certain point it's really important to just shut that person down.
I differ from the author of this article somewhat. The author makes an extreme case that I hoped would spark discussion and help people think about/ be aware of the issue. But for me ghosting comes with no warning and is surprising in light of previous interactions. Where clear warning is given, it's no longer ghosting in my view. And even actual ghosting may be the correct response in certain extreme circumstances. I have staffed crisis lines for battered and abused women and if someone needs to escape, they most definitely should not give warning.
Hot take: People have been bigger assholes in the past, there’s just fewer excuses, now.
honestly this take is solid. It's not like you couldn't ghost someone before cell phones were ubiquitous. You'd screen your calls or, even earlier, just avoid them in person. The principle difference seems to me to be that cell phones and the internet make it super easy to reach people nowadays, and that's both made it harder to avoid someone and easier for people to feel entitled to your time.
I absolutely get the point that "ghosting" can be harmful and dehumanizing. At the same time, when someone thinks they wanna have a "final conversation" with me, they don't know what they're wishing for. I tend to say the truth without reservations and it's just awful. If I try to lie and make things easier, my deception is either transparent or somehow worse than the truth. It doesn't help that most of the time I don't really do facial expressions or overt emotion. If I did, it would be like acting ("masking"), and I hate doing that.
I bet that some of my previous partners would do better if I had ghosted them.
Ghosting is certainly the easy way out, but I do think there is at least some courtesy in indicating finality to a relationship (of any kind) where one party is expecting it to continue. Doesn't have to be a certified 12 page letter explaining the reasoning, could just be "this isn't working out for me", "sorry, you didn't get the job", "I didn't feel chemistry on our first date", whatever.
I've been ghosted after one first date and I just wasn't expecting it. I've also had ones where there was obvious a mutual desire to not move forward and neither of us made any attempt to communicate afterwards. It's one thing if you express finality and the other person ignores it. But just outright ignoring someone's communication attempts with zero indication that you're going to cut off all contact with them? I do understand how one would take issue with that.