What precautions to take when someone is out to get you?
This is a silly sounding topic, but I'm unfortunately in such a situation and want to be a step ahead in self defense. My ex wife and her new boyfriend have been overheard by my kids saying that they're going to "get me" or generally do something bad to me. They are not physically strong people so I'm not worried about a violent attack, but they are intelligent people and I'm worried about all the other options the internet leaves open to them. My ex obviously knows my social security number so I have already locked my credit with the three agencies (Experian, Transunion and Equifax). I have also changed every password I can think of and have security cameras around the entrances to my home. What else should I be doing? Are there legal consulting services or routes I should be looking into to prevent possible problems? I don't want to go overboard with this (and I promise I'm not a paranoid person) but I want to take any reasonable precautions I can to prevent bigger problems.
You might want to take some precautions against reputational damage. If you haven't done so already, let your friends, family, friendly neighbors, kids' teachers, and your employer know that you're going through a divorce. Without placing blame or providing specifics about a threat, it shouldn't be harmful to tell people you're concerned your ex might spread misinformation about you. That at least primes them to consider your side before they unthinkingly accept malicious rumors or false accusations.
I think you're doing all the right things, especially around physical security of your home. It would take a special kind of crazy to try and go after you, especially somewhere away from your home (since they would have to follow you). If you have social media that links back to you, it might be best to take a break from any sharing you do.
I don't know what kind of legal avenues you have, if any, at this time, but I'm also not a lawyer. Since you're hearing this from your kids, I would imagine that any kind of legal recourse would involve your kids, which could make the situation worse (as well as put your kids into a difficult position).
None of us here on the internet know for sure, but it's also very possible that it's just smack talk. When my parents got divorced, my dad and step-mom's relationship was (and to some degree still is 20 years later) fueled by their mutual hatred of my mom. Them talking negatively about you and expressing a desire for harm on you could just be a bond that they have and are using to try and strengthen their relationship. Again, I'm not saying that there is no actual intent by them to harm you since I really have no idea, but it's just an alternate possibility.
If you are reluctant to make a police report, or seek legal assistance, then I would do the following:
I would tell someone you trust, both verbally and in writing, what your children overheard and what you suspect. That way someone knows, and it is documented, AHEAD OF TIME.
In addition, I would make two copies of what it written, and FedEx (or certified mail maybe? or both?) it to both them and yourself. Be certain that these are unopened and kept in safe places.
IANAL, it is just what I would do if I were in this situation.
Adding to this, did you have an attorney for your divorce? If so, I would reach back out to them and tell them what happened -- they will have the best understanding of what your legal recourses are. They can also be the recipient of this documentation that you want to hold, or tell you the best way to establish the documentation if they can't receive it. Try to find an attorney who is board certified in family law if you don't already have one.
Careful about involving police or lawyers at this point. Not saying you shouldn't but just be aware that police reports often just enrage people who are already worked up. And police likely can't do anything anyway until a crime is committed.
Not entirely the same but in the book The Gift of Fear, the author usually doesn't advise going to the police because it causes stalkers to escalate their stalking and revenge efforts.
How crazy is your ex? Is this a situation where you can say, "Hey, I know we aren't on the best of terms but is there anything I can do to make peace with you and your boyfriend?
Document everything.
Get into the habit of keeping brief notes of any conversation/interaction you have with your ex, and where appropriate sending them a text or quick email summary of what was said. Along the lines of "Just confirming that we agreed that little Johnny won't be going to summer camp this year", or whatever.
This way you will have a timestamped papertrail of your interactions. It will also be easier for others to see if there was a concerning pattern of behaviour, or an escalation, should things go south at some point in the future.
Even if nothing ever happens, it's still a pretty useful record of events for your own personal reference about day to day interactions and agreements; I did this years ago for a difficult neighbour and it was very useful to be able to confidently and accurately refer to a conversation from six months previously.
This is just general good life advice for a lot of situations. Any time I'm dealing with a difficult person or group I take notes or email a third party to discuss the conversation rather than just talking to that third party in person.
I'm bad about messaging the difficult person directly because I usually dont know how to word that to not feel like a moron. Also the most difficult person I've ever dealt with purposefully avoids written communication so that just never works with them.
In addition to the advice already given, here are some more ideas for enhancing your personal safety:
Lastly, I would be on the lookout for signs of parental alienation. Here is one random family law article I found. Hopefully it doesn't apply to your situation, but it doesn't hurt to do some more research. Good luck.
On top of what you've already done, consider changing your locks.
I would also open new bank accounts and shift your pay and any large sums over. Using a different credit union/bank that she doesn't even know you have an account with would be ideal. If you can't do this for whatever reason, at least change your pin.
There have been so many posts on /r/legaladvice by folks who had their accounts cleaned out by family members who sweet talked a teller.
Speaking of bank accounts, don't forget to update your will and the beneficiaries in your retirement and life insurance accounts.
And don't think of this as silly. This is your personal security we're talking about, it's important.
Something you should be careful about is exactly what actions and words you're saying around people in the same circles as your ex and her BF. That includes your kids.
Do not slander them, do not express frustration about them, do not wish harm. If your kids ask how you feel about your ex, simply say you had your disagreements with them, but respect them as a person. Give every indication of the truth, that it was a former relationship with them and now your lives have separated. Wish them the best and have documented communication to that effect.
And the biggest challenge? You can't lie, you have to mean it. Avoid confrontation and in any direct conversations you have, do your best to deescalate and be kind.
And if it's true, do your best to compliment your ex in front of your kids. Don't tell them to tell your ex, just do it genuinely.
The whole point of this is that your kids and others in your ex's circle will talk, and if anyone ever responds to your ex, the goal is for them to only have good things to say about you, but also to have you only say good things about your ex. Hopefully that will have some positive impact on the situation.
Good luck!
Due to some issues I had growing up, I personally struggle with hypervigilance, and paranoia. As a result of my issues, I would also say that I also have a 'Kill Mode,' as you describe your ex having in your post about the divorce. (Having a 'Kill Mode' also means that I have a responsibility to not use it for anything but the most dire of circumstances.)Take everything that I say with a grain of salt. It's a series of evaluations of things that people could theoretically do to cause issues.
Harming you is very possible from a multitude of vectors. You've taken some great first steps, but I'll go over avenues that I see.
The first one that comes to mind is vehicles are often the first target of ire. Hopefully, your name, and your name alone is on the title and insurance of the vehicle. If it's not, you'll want to be extra cautious, as theoretically your ex would have some claim to it. (as in, if you called reporting your vehicle had been stolen by her, if her name was on the title, there is a chance that the police would decide this was a civil matter.) Make sure that you know where all keys to the vehicles you own are. Additionally, get a dash cam for the vehicle. Still, It's quite easy to slash someone's tires, scratch with a key, or to smash a windshield. How predictable is your routine? Are there areas that you frequent? Is there a workplace you go to regularly? If possible, if you are visiting a place you go regularly, park in a secured area. At minimum, try to park near an area with security cameras. It might be worth looking under the body, for any GPS trackers they could have installed. Finally, if you're concerned about the vehicle being stolen, get some form of GPS tracker for your car. (Airtags are cheap and good for this.)
Monitoring your home is a great start. I think it would additionally be prudent to invest in a fire proof safe for documents / valuable belongings and heirlooms. I would additionally make sure there is an interior entrance camera, if you do not have one already. Do not ever let your ex or any of her allies into any area of your property that is unmonitored. The likelihood that she will attack your property is low, but "finding documents just 'laying around' is not something you want her to be able to say. Personally, I wouldn't even let her use your restroom. If for some reason she does, check the toilet tank and other hiding spots for any illegal substances that she could plant. (also she might just clog the toilet to be an asshole.)
If you consume any form of recreational weed-based product. (or any recreational drug other than alcohol/cigarettes, legal or illegal) Have a locked, hidden area for substances and paraphernalia. A quick and easy tactic is to contact Child Protective Services, and out the other partner as "a drug addict." Also, lock up any alcohol while you're at it. CPS takes a dim view of substance use of any kind around children.
If you notice any injury, bruise, rash or abrasion on your children, document it immediately. You don't even need to be weird about it, just make sure you have some record that states the date it was noticed, and what the child reported the cause as. (For example, my partner's parents had a nasty custody battle, and her skin is quite reactive to soaps. As a child, her mother reported that the rashes on her skin were for something nefarious.) If your ex could, even theoretically, claim that you caused an injury to your child, have it documented so that you can immediately be able to refute any claims she makes.
Your ex might not be a 'violent' person, but you still need to be extremely careful around her. Get a recording app for phone calls, and record every conversation with her that occurs. (please check your jurisdictional laws for this, most places are 1-party consent.) What I would worry about most, is she shoves you, and then immediately starts screaming that you attacked her. Never, ever trust your local police to properly sort this out. Recordings that you can pull out and show to police might be your only immediate defense. Do NOT put yourself in any situation with her that is not recorded, or monitored by a 3rd party.
Be careful what you say in front of your children. Additionally, do not say anything negative about your ex in front of them, even in the slightest. Children love to repeat what they hear, and you should assume that your kids will talk to your ex about anything you say. Children are also exceptionally easy to bribe. I would expect your ex to weaponize your kids against you in a heartbeat. It's one of the first things that happens in these situations. Even something like "mommy isn't being nice to me" could be twisted in a court hearing.
In addition, set up some safety measures with your children as well. Make sure that you go over "stranger danger" with them. Have a "safe phrase" that they can use with you in case of emergency. (example, have them say something like "when are we going on that trip to <place you'd never go>?") This will allow you to react quickly to situations your ex causes. In addition, make sure that they know who your "trusted list of people" are. (example: You wouldn't have some friend they haven't met pick them up from school) Remember, most child abductions are custody dispute related.
Go through your banking information. Verify that your credit cards have not been set to any automatic payments, or saved in any browser history she can access. Set 2-factor authentication to maximum. If you can, change banks to one your ex doesn't know about.
Turn on location tracking on your phone. One tactic that people use, is to claim that their ex is stalking them. Avoid anywhere and everywhere you could ever encounter your ex. By having verifiable data that you're minding your own business, you'll be safe on this front.
Check in with your work's HR. Don't say much, just that you're going through a divorce, and your ex is not to be treated as a contact for you. Make sure she is not your emergency contact. If anything happens, just apologize profusely, and explain everything. Otherwise, just keep it short.
Make sure that anyone that you care about knows that your ex isn't to be trusted. Again, you don't need to say much, just something like "Hey, <ex> and I are going through a bit of a rough time. Please let me know if she is weird with you? I'm so sorry to be a bit paranoid here." (Personal example. A friend of mine was taken advantage of emotionally and financially by a very crazy guy she was dating. He immediately started making unfounded accusations to family members after they separated, and called the police on her as well. She had to get a lawyer involved, and she was out another grand at the end of it.) Additionally, establish who can can or can't trust. Friends and family will usually take sides, even if they don't want to. Don't put them in the position where they have to, of course, but just be careful with mutual people.
Weaponry. You don't want or need any weapon that can be used offensively. Essentially, if there are any uncomfortable screaming matches where the police are involved, you do NOT want to be possessing an offensive weapon. It will not help anyone. For self defense I recommend the following. First if you actually want a 'weapon,' get a can of pepperspray: This is an excellent defensive weapon. No normal person is going to run at someone to hurt them with pepperspray, it's just not effective for that. Second, get a small metal LED flashlight. It can blind a foe in a heartbeat, and it isn't a "weapon" by most standards.
Court records. Make sure that you pull any and all court records for your ex and any regular associates they interact with. This is usually quite easy, just google "<my area> court records" and you can get quite of information for next to nothing. (again, jurisdictional. I am USA based, and my advice is a bit tailored for here.)
Finally, as you mention you are divorcing, take all advice of your lawyer. If you do not have a lawyer, get one on retainer. Do not talk to police without a lawyer, ever. A restraining order might be prudent, but see what the lawyer says.
Oh, and document everything. Keeping a journal is great for mental health anyways, and it can be useful in these uncomfortable scenarios.
I hope that helps. Best of luck to you, your family, and I hope you take care. You owe it to yourself to be happy. My advice here is... borderline extreme in places, but everything listed should be legal and above board. I'd love to see any updates when you make it to the other side.
Some posts are suggesting you go and report to the cops which I think is a bit too much of an escalation in this situation.
But doing nothing at all (like the other post suggests) is also not advisable, what if they're up to something really sinister, right?
If I were in your situation, I'd do the following:
How do you know it's going to be something bad? What if they are planning to surprise you for your birthday or something like that?