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Dating etiquette question
How long after someone giving you their number is considered too long to contact them?
This person gave me their number weeks ago, and I was thinking of asking them out to coffee, but I’m not sure if that might be considered rude due to the time lapse. I don’t think it would be, but what do I know — I haven’t had anything to do with the dating scene in many, many years…
So, I’m not really looking for advice, but rather perspective. What do other people consider normal in these sorts of situations?
My opinion is that you've likely waited too long for it to not need addressing. It's never too late, but you'll need to at least apologize for the delay and let them know why it took so long. Just be sincere, like if you were too nervous, or something else. It can be ok if you're honest.
Being sincere and honest would also include just forgetting about it or maybe wasn’t interested at the time not just the (half assed) was too nervous etc. Just saying.
No, foldor’s right — it mostly was just a case of the nerves, sprinkled with a bit of run-of-the-mill indecision.
That’s cool. I was just laying down what real honesty could entail. Good luck.
Why does it matter? Either it’s too long, and they say no or don’t reply and nothing changes, or it’s fine and nothing really changes except you’ve reset it back to square one.
However, if after they respond you go another few weeks, that starts to get rude and the chances get continue the conversation just keep going down.
Get in contact, apologize for the delay, and then continue being a decent person.
If they don’t respond or decline, don’t then be rude and move on.
Short answer: past experiences from anyone else are not going to be an accurate predictor of how your interaction will go.
Opinion: it's never too late as long as you set your expectations accordingly. If you're prepared for a response of disinterest, that they are dating someone else now, etc. then you will be fine. Give it a shot and see what happens.
Personal experience: I "met" my partner through online dating (OkCupid). After at least a few days of messages, she shared her phone number with me. We texted back and forth a bit then met for a coffee date, hit it off and it turned into dinner. After a couple more dates she told me she didn't feel ready to date and we disconnected for a bit. I remained friendly and was sure to not give off any "bad vibes." A few weeks later, she asked if we wanted to do something as friends, and while I debated internally if I would be up for that, I decided it was worth it because she was fun to be around. After that, she said she was interested in dating again and just was just nervous at first because she had never really dated anyone seriously before. A couple years of dating, then we got married, and we've been together for a while now!
So periods of radio silence aren't necessarily a death sentence for a potential relationship.
I think a lot of people see each date as an inevitable step to sex. And there's the idea that everyone has different expectations about when sex is likely to happen (in terms of the Nth date, which isn't a helpful way to look at it). So there's this sense of "that was a nice date, and a second one would be nice, but am I expected to have sex at that point? I want to take it slower than that, but is it presumptuous to bring that up now?"
So "just being friends" is, at least to me, a bit like saying "let's date without expecting it to get physical". And then you become friends, and the physicality comes naturally.
Maybe I'm stating the obvious, but young me interpreted "not ready to date" as a soft rejection.
There's a lot of ways to phrase this without being direct. If one person is interested in sex, they'll probably propose for the next date to be at their place (or suggest it at the end of a date). If someone is offered this and isn't ready, the recipient can respond with a different suggestion for a next date. Or if they don't give another suggestion on the spot (no one can perfectly ad-lib conversation 100% of the time!), send a text message the next day.
Alternatively, you can be direct about it, it just assumes a certain level of maturity on both sides. Early on when dating my partner (after the initial uncertainty was worked through), she came over to watch a movie and was intending to drive home after. It was pretty late, and she lived roughly an hour away, so I suggested she stay the night and I explicitly stated that I'm not suggesting sex.
In my opinion, part of being sex-positive is being unafraid to talk about sex, even in the context of not having sex. This can even extend to folks who are asexual or otherwise disinterested in sex - you have to communicate that somehow. I understand how it can be difficult early on, but it's important to have a partner who respects boundaries. And you should state those boundaries whenever you sense they could be crossed (and ideally before those situations, if possible).
If I was on the other side of this, dating someone who invited me to their house after only 1 date (though the number doesn't truly matter in any universal sense), and it seemed like they may even slightly be suggesting sex, I would tell them that I would prefer to go on another date first (coffee, dinner, movie, whatever). If they push back, that's an instant no to any future dates or even conversation. It's important to trust your gut and refuse to humor anyone who disrespects your boundaries.
You have good points. The conversation could be as simple as "Just so you know, I am totally okay with taking things slowly." If you're also okay with whatever, you might add "or whatever is comfortable." Not the simplest conversation, but it can be worth having.
My ex complained because I didn't call her the next day after our first date, I thought I didn't do so well after that date, so I didn't feel like contacting her so soon, and I was wrong, we dated afterward for 3 years.
We all are different, and our current situation affects this perspective a lot.
I know you are not asking for advice, but shoot your shot, if it's too late already, you lose nothing, I don't think you are being rude at all.
Whenever you like. If the person is a player of games, counting days on a calendar, then good riddance to them. If they are not, they may appreciate your spontaneity and self-assuredness.
I appreciate the spirit of your post, for sure, but I think it’s pretty lackluster as far as advice goes. To be clear, the teenager-sort-of-stuff like “22 hours is thirsty, 24 hours is too late” is nonsense - I totally agree with you on that one. But in this specific case, OP has waited weeks to reach out to this person. A fair bit depends on the context, here, but assuming it was something normal like they asked for the number and got it, waiting for weeks is unusual and is going to make things harder for them. The person doesn’t have to be a player of games to want to receive a message within a day or two.
@Bet — you waited too long. You may as well reach out in a “you miss every shot you don’t take” sort of spirit… but if you want to maximize success, for future reference the ideal time windows are within a few hours of getting the person’s number (if you don’t know each other at all 1); the next day (if you barely know each other 2); or whenever you want, it doesn’t really matter (if you know each other 3).
1 e.g. you met in line at a coffee shop and spoke for <5 minutes before exchanging numbers.
2 e.g. you met at a party and talked for an hour.
3 e.g. you have mutual friends in common and have kinda-sorta-been-friends for an extended period of time but now, discovering in a pleasant sort of shock that you actually have hella chemistry, have decided to exchange direct numbers rather than simply continuing to run into each other at Melanie’s parties, and also what is going on with her lately, right?
It has worked for me. If I wait "too long" I am clearly not that interested anyway.
In any case, most people have trouble waiting any time at all. So my comment is more like "you don't need to wait that long" rather than "you should wait 2 months".
Speaking as the dating partner who is going to be much smaller in physical size and strength, this is predominantly why I would be very hesistant if not "no way" about spending one on one time with someone who is "clearly not that interested anyway". It isn't playing games, it's survival instinct.
I understand. But why would someone calling earlier mean that you are safer? Can't someone with ill intent also call right away?
Yup, it's only relative safely. Assuming both are bad actors: you can still fawn response and hope for decent outcomes with a very interested attacker, but the casual cruelty of someone uninterested knows no bounds.
It's pretty messed up mental math, low probability high risk.
Perspective only: neurospicy introvert who hasn't done dating scenes since teen years.
It depends. Romantically: if I gave you my number hoping you thought I was cute and would call, by two weeks I will have been thoroughly disappointed that I was forgettable and maybe only interesting enough for you when you're super bored. In order not to feel bad about myself, I will put the blame on you. Not deal breaker but you need a good excuse followed by consistent show of strong, sustained interest. Eg this is a one time forgivable mark on your file.
BUT!
For friendship: personally I would be perfectly fine if a newly-numbered stranger contacted me after couple months. But it must be casual and they must not ask me for any favors or make any assumptions. We are strangers and if nothing else go wrong, we will text a bit and move to acquaintance after a bit.
If I gave a person my number, it would mean I would hope they would call. Maybe after a week or so I would figure they weren't going to and forget about it. If they did eventually call I would feel good about it. Even if my circumstances had changed. It's nice to know there was reciprocal interest, and I put myself out there by giving them my number.
contact them but make sure you have a plan and don’t want a simple chit chat. apologize for the delay and take them for a play in the park or something.
It's tough to say without the overarching context of your existing relationship. I can definitely envision scenarios where it would be a problem, and others where it would be no big deal at all.
I also think a person who is able to throw caution to the wind and proceed with confidence is much more likely to succeed over an individual with a hesitant, come what may approach in these sorts of scenarios.
So ultimately, I don't think there is a normal. Why make a rule for yourself where one doesn't exist?
It’s not like there is a magic amount of time. If they’re waiting for you to call and are counting the days to judge you, do you really want to get involved with someone who plays games from the get go? You owe them an explanation for why you waited so long though, and see how it goes.
If I gave a total stranger my number, I would have the baseline expectation that nothing comes out of it. They may not contact me and if they do, we might not like each other after getting acquainted a bit more, or we might prove to be incompatible even if we do like each other. At any rate, if I don't have the foggiest clue what's going on in their life, I would not expect them to adhere to any sort of timeline wrt contacting me and I would not see the timing of their actions as having anything to do with me. So, short answer: it's never too late. If they did contact me at any time, it would be a positive surprise.
If it isn't a total stranger, then my expectations would very much depend on context and person.