I wish there was a word for a lesson that is obvious, but when you realize it in its totality, then the lesson becomes incredibly profound. I think “people have different strengths” is a pretty...
I wish there was a word for a lesson that is obvious, but when you realize it in its totality, then the lesson becomes incredibly profound.
I think “people have different strengths” is a pretty obvious thing to recognize in one’s life, and this is one flavor of that. The top comment even points out that this is basically just learning to do things you like and don’t like.
Yet there’s something deeper here that might be ineffable, since I cannot really describe it better than the author’s post. I simply truly recognize that truth or apply it to my own life until my mid-twenties and I think it has been incredibly liberating since realizing it. Perhaps the author has had the same kind of realization, and that’s why they felt this piece was worth writing.
I think there is often a kind of moral valence to the statement that somebody is or is not good at a certain thing, because often those things that we're not good at are traits that are associated...
Exemplary
I think there is often a kind of moral valence to the statement that somebody is or is not good at a certain thing, because often those things that we're not good at are traits that are associated with positive social behavior or positive morality. Often we try to mold ourselves into people irrespective of the underlying disposition that we hold, and it can make people very unhappy when they don't fit into the mold that they think they should fit into.
The article does a good job of stripping that away and just focusing on the mismatch between somebody's brain and what that person wants to do with the brain. I'm not going to say it's a simple problem to solve, at the end of the day, but it certainly is a lot simpler when you don't also have to deal with all of the baggage that typically comes along with it.
A councellor I spoke to once upon a time called those times where an idea materialises and internally clicks as "Aha moments". Maybe it's not a 100% match (because it can apply to both obvious and...
A councellor I spoke to once upon a time called those times where an idea materialises and internally clicks as "Aha moments". Maybe it's not a 100% match (because it can apply to both obvious and unobvious lessons), but I feel it's close to what you're describing.
In my mind I equate what the author is describing as sort of a corollary to both projection and false-consensus (but for skills rather than just viewpoints). And, same, I think it was around my mid-20s that I became properly aware of my assumptions of people's similarity to myself, how different they can be.
Speaking of "Aha moments", when I was in grade 10 we had this vocabulary list in English class. I asked my friend what "epiphany" meant, and she told me it was a sudden realization. I said "Oh."...
Speaking of "Aha moments", when I was in grade 10 we had this vocabulary list in English class. I asked my friend what "epiphany" meant, and she told me it was a sudden realization.
I said "Oh." to acknowledge that I had received the information.
A fraction of a second later I said "OH!!" when I fully understood the information.
Finally just a moment after that I said "...oh" with an embarrassed chuckle when I realized my sudden understanding of the word was more or less what we were talking about.
She just laughed.
A great piece for the folks out there who chastise themselves too often, have impostor syndrome, or otherwise struggle with something and just can't muster up the self compassion to be okay with...
A great piece for the folks out there who chastise themselves too often, have impostor syndrome, or otherwise struggle with something and just can't muster up the self compassion to be okay with something being a work in progress or simply just hard for them.
One note that the author leaves out, this works both ways. We really shouldn't judge people by the things they struggle with. This is exemplified by the subreddit /r/thanksimcured - which is a sub dedicated to making fun of the dumb simple suggestions that people who don't have a problem often provide to people who are struggling. It's really simple to say "just eat less" to someone who struggles with their weight, "just smile more" to folks who are struggling with depression, or "have you tried celebrating and enjoying when your partner finds someone new?" to someone struggling with jealousy. For advice to be useful to someone who's struggling with a particular aspect of their life, you need to appropriately put yourselves in their shoes. This can be quite a difficult exercise if they have problems that you do not. The best that someone can do is to transpose the concept of how they feel about something they struggle with onto a completely different issue, which can never capture the specifics of how someone else struggles with something, just the broader ideas.
A good lesson, and I can add that sometimes, it's possible to go from one state to another: you can start at "what trick does everyone else use to do this??" to "iunno how I even do this I just...
A good lesson, and I can add that sometimes, it's possible to go from one state to another: you can start at "what trick does everyone else use to do this??" to "iunno how I even do this I just do". If we forget the path we took to solve problems, then forget we even had them, we wind up doing a disservice to the people walking the same path after us. It's tempting to forget; after all there's so much shame tied up in it that we'd prefer to never think of it again. Many a generation before us has made that mistake and not taken the time and patience to teach people that we could help if we really tried.
I've used a kind of mirrored conclusion the be able to show much more compassion for myself as well as others (and make choices in a similar way as in this blog post): It's hard because it's hard,...
I've used a kind of mirrored conclusion the be able to show much more compassion for myself as well as others (and make choices in a similar way as in this blog post):
It's hard because it's hard, if it was easy it wouldn't be hard!
Maybe that is a bit clearer for some, it is for me anyway! ;)
Definitely needed to read this blog post. I have a lot of problems. Past trauma from being bullied throughout my childhood and teen years. Living with elderly and overly mollycoddling parents. A...
Definitely needed to read this blog post.
I have a lot of problems. Past trauma from being bullied throughout my childhood and teen years. Living with elderly and overly mollycoddling parents. A family that never took my Asperger's diagnosis seriously. A lack of professional skills which has frankly left me disenfranchised.
Even this year has sucked. I lost my previous commercial finance job back in March and lost a golden opportunity to lease an apartment and move out as a result. It took me seven months to even land a crappy purchase ledger job with a two hour commute, almost unsociable start & finish times and a big paycut.
I don't like it when people call me lazy, privileged, etc, and act like my problems are a quick fix. It took me months to finally start rebuilding the pieces.
If you have a problem other people don’t, you should make different decisions than they do. If you struggle with not having extrarelational sex, don’t be monogamous; if you struggle with jealousy, don’t be polyamorous. 1 I don’t, in fact, work a conventional job; I try to find work that is reasonably accommodating of my horrifying Discord addiction.
1 If you struggle with both, you’re screwed.
As someone who has struggled greatly with love and didn't even lose their virginity until just a few months ago at the age of 34... damn, even OP thinks I'm screwed.
I'm currently struggling with the jealousy of finding out a lady who messed me around (to put it lightly) a few months back is seeing another guy. My love life (or lack thereof) has otherwise flatlined.
I also have an Aspergers diagnosis from the early 90s that was never quite taken seriously and I have also had to just accept that this means I struggle with things that come easy to most everyone...
I also have an Aspergers diagnosis from the early 90s that was never quite taken seriously and I have also had to just accept that this means I struggle with things that come easy to most everyone else.
The struggle doesn’t reflect on you as a person, and I know you know that, logically, but to really internalize that your struggle is just your struggle and this is just life is a step I didn’t reach until my mid 30s.
It means most days I just make sure that my own basic needs get met and I don’t have room for much more and thats okay.
As someone who constantly struggles with impostor syndrome (which made me fall behind for many years due to insecurity and lack of motivation, which then only exacerbated the problem) this was a...
As someone who constantly struggles with impostor syndrome (which made me fall behind for many years due to insecurity and lack of motivation, which then only exacerbated the problem) this was a really simple and effective message that I needed.
I am currently in the process of learning a new language for work purposes, and it's daunting to look at others that acquired it quickly and are doing much better than me, and to try and see what I can do to get there ASAP. It can get really painful.
So it's been healthy for me to reframe my struggles as my own and to see my own achievements as valuable to me. To understand that being different from others isn't some inherent flaw, and that others also can't do things that I can do and might feel similarly insecure about it. There's some strange solace in that fact.
I wish there was a word for a lesson that is obvious, but when you realize it in its totality, then the lesson becomes incredibly profound.
I think “people have different strengths” is a pretty obvious thing to recognize in one’s life, and this is one flavor of that. The top comment even points out that this is basically just learning to do things you like and don’t like.
Yet there’s something deeper here that might be ineffable, since I cannot really describe it better than the author’s post. I simply truly recognize that truth or apply it to my own life until my mid-twenties and I think it has been incredibly liberating since realizing it. Perhaps the author has had the same kind of realization, and that’s why they felt this piece was worth writing.
I think there is often a kind of moral valence to the statement that somebody is or is not good at a certain thing, because often those things that we're not good at are traits that are associated with positive social behavior or positive morality. Often we try to mold ourselves into people irrespective of the underlying disposition that we hold, and it can make people very unhappy when they don't fit into the mold that they think they should fit into.
The article does a good job of stripping that away and just focusing on the mismatch between somebody's brain and what that person wants to do with the brain. I'm not going to say it's a simple problem to solve, at the end of the day, but it certainly is a lot simpler when you don't also have to deal with all of the baggage that typically comes along with it.
[Noise]
I love this phrase. I've been sent down a new Wikipedia rabbit hole: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valence_(psychology)
They actually did come up with a word for that: wisdom.
All the cliches are true.
"Enlightenment is hard, but it's not complicated"
(paraphrased)
A councellor I spoke to once upon a time called those times where an idea materialises and internally clicks as "Aha moments". Maybe it's not a 100% match (because it can apply to both obvious and unobvious lessons), but I feel it's close to what you're describing.
In my mind I equate what the author is describing as sort of a corollary to both projection and false-consensus (but for skills rather than just viewpoints). And, same, I think it was around my mid-20s that I became properly aware of my assumptions of people's similarity to myself, how different they can be.
Speaking of "Aha moments", when I was in grade 10 we had this vocabulary list in English class. I asked my friend what "epiphany" meant, and she told me it was a sudden realization.
I said "Oh." to acknowledge that I had received the information.
A fraction of a second later I said "OH!!" when I fully understood the information.
Finally just a moment after that I said "...oh" with an embarrassed chuckle when I realized my sudden understanding of the word was more or less what we were talking about.
She just laughed.
A great piece for the folks out there who chastise themselves too often, have impostor syndrome, or otherwise struggle with something and just can't muster up the self compassion to be okay with something being a work in progress or simply just hard for them.
One note that the author leaves out, this works both ways. We really shouldn't judge people by the things they struggle with. This is exemplified by the subreddit /r/thanksimcured - which is a sub dedicated to making fun of the dumb simple suggestions that people who don't have a problem often provide to people who are struggling. It's really simple to say "just eat less" to someone who struggles with their weight, "just smile more" to folks who are struggling with depression, or "have you tried celebrating and enjoying when your partner finds someone new?" to someone struggling with jealousy. For advice to be useful to someone who's struggling with a particular aspect of their life, you need to appropriately put yourselves in their shoes. This can be quite a difficult exercise if they have problems that you do not. The best that someone can do is to transpose the concept of how they feel about something they struggle with onto a completely different issue, which can never capture the specifics of how someone else struggles with something, just the broader ideas.
Thanks for the thoughtful interesting blog post.
A good lesson, and I can add that sometimes, it's possible to go from one state to another: you can start at "what trick does everyone else use to do this??" to "iunno how I even do this I just do". If we forget the path we took to solve problems, then forget we even had them, we wind up doing a disservice to the people walking the same path after us. It's tempting to forget; after all there's so much shame tied up in it that we'd prefer to never think of it again. Many a generation before us has made that mistake and not taken the time and patience to teach people that we could help if we really tried.
I've used a kind of mirrored conclusion the be able to show much more compassion for myself as well as others (and make choices in a similar way as in this blog post):
It's hard because it's hard, if it was easy it wouldn't be hard!
Maybe that is a bit clearer for some, it is for me anyway! ;)
Definitely needed to read this blog post.
I have a lot of problems. Past trauma from being bullied throughout my childhood and teen years. Living with elderly and overly mollycoddling parents. A family that never took my Asperger's diagnosis seriously. A lack of professional skills which has frankly left me disenfranchised.
Even this year has sucked. I lost my previous commercial finance job back in March and lost a golden opportunity to lease an apartment and move out as a result. It took me seven months to even land a crappy purchase ledger job with a two hour commute, almost unsociable start & finish times and a big paycut.
I don't like it when people call me lazy, privileged, etc, and act like my problems are a quick fix. It took me months to finally start rebuilding the pieces.
As someone who has struggled greatly with love and didn't even lose their virginity until just a few months ago at the age of 34... damn, even OP thinks I'm screwed.
I'm currently struggling with the jealousy of finding out a lady who messed me around (to put it lightly) a few months back is seeing another guy. My love life (or lack thereof) has otherwise flatlined.
I also have an Aspergers diagnosis from the early 90s that was never quite taken seriously and I have also had to just accept that this means I struggle with things that come easy to most everyone else.
The struggle doesn’t reflect on you as a person, and I know you know that, logically, but to really internalize that your struggle is just your struggle and this is just life is a step I didn’t reach until my mid 30s.
It means most days I just make sure that my own basic needs get met and I don’t have room for much more and thats okay.
As someone who constantly struggles with impostor syndrome (which made me fall behind for many years due to insecurity and lack of motivation, which then only exacerbated the problem) this was a really simple and effective message that I needed.
I am currently in the process of learning a new language for work purposes, and it's daunting to look at others that acquired it quickly and are doing much better than me, and to try and see what I can do to get there ASAP. It can get really painful.
So it's been healthy for me to reframe my struggles as my own and to see my own achievements as valuable to me. To understand that being different from others isn't some inherent flaw, and that others also can't do things that I can do and might feel similarly insecure about it. There's some strange solace in that fact.
Thanks for sharing this.