I'm not an expert/professional, so more my random thoughts. This post comes across negative. I don't know if that's because this is just a rant or what, but it seems like you would get a lot of...
I'm not an expert/professional, so more my random thoughts.
This post comes across negative. I don't know if that's because this is just a rant or what, but it seems like you would get a lot of value working on yourself. Bristol seems to have a lot of options if you haven't already checked them out.
Leaving that house does seem like probably the best thing you can do for your mental health.
While your situation sounds worse than mine, I lived at home until I was 28 and was desperate to leave. I was able to rent a room in a house. It was someone I knew, although not my best friend or anything.
Find a room, move cities, take a shit hole. Nothing is permanent, but sometimes you need to get out of toxic situations first and worry about what happens next later.
I had the same thoughts to this comment. There is a lot of blame and anger towards OP's father. OP you can't change your dad, when you are with him he is going to contine to make you feel the same...
I had the same thoughts to this comment.
There is a lot of blame and anger towards OP's father.
OP you can't change your dad, when you are with him he is going to contine to make you feel the same way he always does.
The only thing you can change is you.
If you truly want to improve, change, fix things then look inward, not out. And get out the house ASAP.
See a professional, talk about how you feel. Change your mind.
If you make the effort (it will be extremely difficult!) you'll come out the other side with all the things you said you wanted. The big things in life are much, much easier when you sort out the basics.
Crazy suggestion, have you tried having combative conversations with him? While it might not do much with his age and declining mental faculties, conflict is an important part of relationships....
which i've bottled up because I havent wanted to piss him off and have been non-confrontional about everything in life.
Crazy suggestion, have you tried having combative conversations with him? While it might not do much with his age and declining mental faculties, conflict is an important part of relationships. Toxic conflict is bad and unlikely to lead anywhere good, but never addressing the elephant in the room is terrible too.
It's OK, it's your feelings, don't apologize because it helps us understand what the problem is. I know it's really hard, I completely understand. And it will feel like you have no options, lack...
It's OK, it's your feelings, don't apologize because it helps us understand what the problem is.
I know it's really hard, I completely understand. And it will feel like you have no options, lack of help etc. But it is there, you can find it. There is a therapist that will see you and they will help, it might not be the first or the fifth or the tenth but they will.
It might seem pointless, but if you start today, and decide you are going to fix your life then you'll fix it one day earlier than if you start tomorrow.
FWIW I am dealing with a relatable situation with a family member in the UK. They are much older than you, and believe it's too late for them to get any help, but it's not. And it's really sad to see someone I love decide that it's not worth bothering to change their extremely negative situation.
Could your brother be a helpful source of advice? Where’s mum in all of this? How much money (if any) do you have saved up? Does Britain have something similar to a USDA loan (basically, a...
Could your brother be a helpful source of advice?
Where’s mum in all of this?
How much money (if any) do you have saved up?
Does Britain have something similar to a USDA loan (basically, a mortgage for buying in rural areas that has low down payment requirements)?
For 1. I would advise that you don't try and make assumptions on your brother's behalf without directly asking him. If you tell him how you feel (do not tell him all the problems with your father....
For 1. I would advise that you don't try and make assumptions on your brother's behalf without directly asking him. If you tell him how you feel (do not tell him all the problems with your father. That is a very difficult problem to solve) and ask how he can help you improve your life in the short to medium term, he may be extremely on board to help. You don't really know until you ask.
Phrases like "I feel trapped" "dad makes me feel small and like I have no control" "I feel like I want to get out but I don't know how".
All these things will help another person find solutions for you.
"dad comes into my room and touches my stuff when I'm not there" No one can do anything about that. It's his house.
I have an alternative suggestion: don't go to brother saying you are drowning and need help, go to him saying I've got a plan and here's a small gap I could use help bridging. This is good advice...
I have an alternative suggestion: don't go to brother saying you are drowning and need help, go to him saying I've got a plan and here's a small gap I could use help bridging.
This is good advice for workplace as well: don't go to others for a solution, go to them with a partial solution.
Yes I agree, as long as OP knows what he's asking for and is aware it's the right thing. Therapy will help knowing what the right thing is, and honestly it's likely unfair to put any of this kind...
Yes I agree, as long as OP knows what he's asking for and is aware it's the right thing.
Therapy will help knowing what the right thing is, and honestly it's likely unfair to put any of this kind of responsibility on the brother's shoulders. But he may be both willing and in a good position to offer help, like finding professional help or getting out the parent's house.
It is completely valid for brother to not want to help, OP is right he has his own life and responsibilities, but you will never know if you don't ask and be honest.
Hmmm… Talk to your brother. Tell him you want to get out of your parents place, and ask for his advice. He may (not guaranteed) offer to let you crash at his place while you build up the working...
Hmmm…
Talk to your brother. Tell him you want to get out of your parents place, and ask for his advice. He may (not guaranteed) offer to let you crash at his place while you build up the working history. In that case, offer to pay a nominal rent.
Reconsider renting in general. Yes, it’s not gonna be ideal, but I suspect it’s really hard to be worse than where you are now. Find a studio or one bed that isn’t too much per month. It’s for six to twelve months while you save up more money and get stable employment history. Worst case, it’s a place to sleep at night and nothing more. Still beats living with your porn-addled dad.
Your biggest priority is to get out of your parents place. It’s not healthy for you, and there’s a good chance your dad will get more deliberate in attempting to get you to stay.
Re number 2 for op. You're unlikely to be able to save anything as there will be extra costs involved that you may have not expected and the costs against the salary and location you've mentioned....
Re number 2 for op. You're unlikely to be able to save anything as there will be extra costs involved that you may have not expected and the costs against the salary and location you've mentioned. The new laws on renting allowing you to give 2 months notice do work in your favour though regarding unstable employment. I'm not trying to say this to shut down the idea but just to avoid you feeling bad if you go for it and are then unable to save anything. Moving out and living on your own feet is a goal enough with the savings you've got.
There might be cheaper options and give you some geographic space from your parents Newport or Cardiff way though that give train options for the commute?
Unless you're confident in buying a house in the next 12 months, look into opening a LISA while you still can. If you're not familiar with LISAs check out the guide on moneysavingexpert. I'd...
Unless you're confident in buying a house in the next 12 months, look into opening a LISA while you still can. If you're not familiar with LISAs check out the guide on moneysavingexpert.
I'd second the advice to move out even if it means renting somewhere for a little while. I know Bristol rent is terrible, but since you only need to go in once a week, you could probably manage living a bit further away for less rent and get public transport to the office (or get an ebike if your office has safe bike parking, I can't tell you how much I've saved on train tickets and the fitness boost is awesome, but they are also a thief target).
You say you don't want to bother your brother, but having family you get along with and can help with difficult situations is massive. Even if he's not in a position to help you right now, consider building more of a bridge with him, just hang out and chat now and then. If nothing else, you're gonna need each other's support as your parents continue to age.
Observing your post and then your comments - it seems to me you don't feel you can take up much space in other people's lives. Your relationship with your brother seems quite subservient and the...
Observing your post and then your comments - it seems to me you don't feel you can take up much space in other people's lives. Your relationship with your brother seems quite subservient and the same with your father obviously. There's a passivity or helplessness inherent to your narrative of how you got here.
I suspect everything would become infinitely easier if you learnt to properly occupy your space - bother your brother, assert yourself with your father, and so on. Take what is yours. That's also a lot more fundamental than the question of how you afford a place but you are already taking a step in the right direction in writing this post. Focusing on that might be worthwhile.
I'm not an expert/professional, so more my random thoughts.
This post comes across negative. I don't know if that's because this is just a rant or what, but it seems like you would get a lot of value working on yourself. Bristol seems to have a lot of options if you haven't already checked them out.
Leaving that house does seem like probably the best thing you can do for your mental health.
While your situation sounds worse than mine, I lived at home until I was 28 and was desperate to leave. I was able to rent a room in a house. It was someone I knew, although not my best friend or anything.
Find a room, move cities, take a shit hole. Nothing is permanent, but sometimes you need to get out of toxic situations first and worry about what happens next later.
Good luck.
I had the same thoughts to this comment.
There is a lot of blame and anger towards OP's father.
OP you can't change your dad, when you are with him he is going to contine to make you feel the same way he always does.
The only thing you can change is you.
If you truly want to improve, change, fix things then look inward, not out. And get out the house ASAP.
See a professional, talk about how you feel. Change your mind.
If you make the effort (it will be extremely difficult!) you'll come out the other side with all the things you said you wanted. The big things in life are much, much easier when you sort out the basics.
Crazy suggestion, have you tried having combative conversations with him? While it might not do much with his age and declining mental faculties, conflict is an important part of relationships. Toxic conflict is bad and unlikely to lead anywhere good, but never addressing the elephant in the room is terrible too.
Have you talked to your brother?
It's OK, it's your feelings, don't apologize because it helps us understand what the problem is.
I know it's really hard, I completely understand. And it will feel like you have no options, lack of help etc. But it is there, you can find it. There is a therapist that will see you and they will help, it might not be the first or the fifth or the tenth but they will.
It might seem pointless, but if you start today, and decide you are going to fix your life then you'll fix it one day earlier than if you start tomorrow.
FWIW I am dealing with a relatable situation with a family member in the UK. They are much older than you, and believe it's too late for them to get any help, but it's not. And it's really sad to see someone I love decide that it's not worth bothering to change their extremely negative situation.
For 1. I would advise that you don't try and make assumptions on your brother's behalf without directly asking him. If you tell him how you feel (do not tell him all the problems with your father. That is a very difficult problem to solve) and ask how he can help you improve your life in the short to medium term, he may be extremely on board to help. You don't really know until you ask.
Phrases like "I feel trapped" "dad makes me feel small and like I have no control" "I feel like I want to get out but I don't know how".
All these things will help another person find solutions for you.
"dad comes into my room and touches my stuff when I'm not there" No one can do anything about that. It's his house.
I have an alternative suggestion: don't go to brother saying you are drowning and need help, go to him saying I've got a plan and here's a small gap I could use help bridging.
This is good advice for workplace as well: don't go to others for a solution, go to them with a partial solution.
Much more likely to get a yes.
Yes I agree, as long as OP knows what he's asking for and is aware it's the right thing.
Therapy will help knowing what the right thing is, and honestly it's likely unfair to put any of this kind of responsibility on the brother's shoulders. But he may be both willing and in a good position to offer help, like finding professional help or getting out the parent's house.
It is completely valid for brother to not want to help, OP is right he has his own life and responsibilities, but you will never know if you don't ask and be honest.
Hmmm…
Your biggest priority is to get out of your parents place. It’s not healthy for you, and there’s a good chance your dad will get more deliberate in attempting to get you to stay.
Re number 2 for op. You're unlikely to be able to save anything as there will be extra costs involved that you may have not expected and the costs against the salary and location you've mentioned. The new laws on renting allowing you to give 2 months notice do work in your favour though regarding unstable employment. I'm not trying to say this to shut down the idea but just to avoid you feeling bad if you go for it and are then unable to save anything. Moving out and living on your own feet is a goal enough with the savings you've got.
There might be cheaper options and give you some geographic space from your parents Newport or Cardiff way though that give train options for the commute?
Unless you're confident in buying a house in the next 12 months, look into opening a LISA while you still can. If you're not familiar with LISAs check out the guide on moneysavingexpert.
I'd second the advice to move out even if it means renting somewhere for a little while. I know Bristol rent is terrible, but since you only need to go in once a week, you could probably manage living a bit further away for less rent and get public transport to the office (or get an ebike if your office has safe bike parking, I can't tell you how much I've saved on train tickets and the fitness boost is awesome, but they are also a thief target).
You say you don't want to bother your brother, but having family you get along with and can help with difficult situations is massive. Even if he's not in a position to help you right now, consider building more of a bridge with him, just hang out and chat now and then. If nothing else, you're gonna need each other's support as your parents continue to age.
This is a long shot, but do you know anyone you might consider sharing a place with? Obviously it depends a lot on who it is.
Observing your post and then your comments - it seems to me you don't feel you can take up much space in other people's lives. Your relationship with your brother seems quite subservient and the same with your father obviously. There's a passivity or helplessness inherent to your narrative of how you got here.
I suspect everything would become infinitely easier if you learnt to properly occupy your space - bother your brother, assert yourself with your father, and so on. Take what is yours. That's also a lot more fundamental than the question of how you afford a place but you are already taking a step in the right direction in writing this post. Focusing on that might be worthwhile.
If you still live with your parents in your mid 30s, of course they'll drive you crazy.
It's time to move out.