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votes
What’s something people commonly misunderstand about you?
What’s something people often get wrong about you? Why do you think that happens, and how do you feel about it?
Anything is fair game: big or small; significant or insignificant.
A major one is people that believe that I'm cold, unemotional, or insensitive. My facial expressions are lacking and my tone of voice is monotonic. This means that there is not much difference between my serious and non-serious registers. It's easy to believe I'm serious while making a joke, or jokeful when I'm being serious. It takes a while to notice how I distinguish between those. It doesn't help that my emotional processing is delayed, which means that it can take weeks or even months for me to start feeling and demonstrating certain emotions. So, at first, I'm reprimanded for being "cold", while later no one understands why I am sad all of a sudden.
I tend to react to sentences with sincere statements, which means that I often say things that are inadequate to context. Some sentences do not admit sincere reactions, they are calls for reassurance or demonstrations of group cohesiveness. Things like:
My failure to identify these circumstances often gives the impression that I do not care about other people's feelings, or that I do not wish to belong to a group. As a consequence, I often face rejection and ridicule.
I also have a need (almost a compulsion) to finish an explanation in a complete fashion, from start to finish. I need to do that to "soothe my own cognition", understand, or reiterate something for myself. Some people believe I do so because I am pedantic and arrogant. That is 100% not the case. This has absolutely nothing to do with my evaluation of how much others know about a subject, I just need to make things whole and complete. I'm unsettled otherwise.
How do I feel about it? Well, bad. Powerless, opressed, and alone. Kinda like this guy.
I'm an alien in a party where no one speaks my language.
And yes, I am aware these are very much autistic traits. I'm looking into it.
This sucks, I’m sorry the folks around you seem to have so much trouble relating to you. I can definitely empathize with the desire to finish an explanation even when it’s clear your audience doesn’t require it; I can usually restrain myself without much discomfort, but it’s not hard for me to imagine how frustrating it would feel if the impulse was a little stronger.
Yeah. It's hard sometimes.
There are, of course, people who get me and even appreciate my company. But that's a special kind of person. I also have a healthy relationship with my religious group, those are people who know me for almost 20 years and followed all my existential ups and downs. And they are, fittingly, very forgiving.
Do you relate to this description?
"The individual tries hard to never let himself "come apart at the seams" emotionally or even let out strong feelings publicly, because displays of passion do not come naturally and make him feel self-consciousness and vulnerable to painful criticism. This makes the individual generally seem emotionally neutral and politely indifferent to excitement and agitation around him. The individual deeply dislikes attempts by others to get him to "cheer up" or "join the fun", especially in the context of group activities with loud emotional expression."
This quote seems to describe an individual who voluntarily restricts their own personality in order to avoid exposal or a dissolution of their identity. I don't think that's my case. I am not restricted in that way or to that extent, that is how I am naturally.
I mean, I do avoid saying certain things, but I wouldn't say that's a major aspect of my personality. Everyone does that. My distinguished characteristic in that regard is my incompetence at doing so in a manner that is adequate to context.
In that case, how about this one?
"The individual often becomes engrossed in serious work, which leads him to neglect his complementary need for fun and emotional release. He also feels vulnerable expressing himself spontaneously in public, which allows bad emotions and stress to build up, leading to depression or sudden hostility. He enjoys being around people who make him feel comfortable expressing himself, and who can make every day new and exciting.
Although he may present a hard exterior in the company of strangers, he is likely to not be serious at all with people who know him better. His behavior changes radically - a calm and serious structured person will suddenly become jovial and warm."
Yeah, that's way off and sounds a bit offensive, to be honest. It's a good example of what I like to call "the dictatorship of the extroverted". If someone repeatedly told those things to me without any quotes, I don't think I would give any answer. It's as if the way I am is wrong and must be corrected. I have no wish to be "normal", whatever that means. I don't like this at all.
I see, sorry about that.
That's okay ;)
People think I’m straight because I’m a cis woman dating a cis man. I’m bisexual. The reasons people think this are pretty obvious, haha. I don’t think anybody beyond close friends and people who follow me online know this about me. It’s a bit of a bummer because it’s not like I’m trying to hide anything. On the other hand, I don’t have to deal with people who don’t understand my sexuality and answer a dozen questions about it every time it comes up.
Heh, same here with genders reversed. Ah well, I don’t think I care that much personally, it’s not like it really affects me.
People are weird about bisexuality. Some people that are okay with gays and lesbians disapprove bisexuals for some reason.
I knew a gay guy once who thought that bisexuals were just gay and in denial about it.
Vice versa sometimes too, and bisexual erasure is an issue as well.
I understand and agree that's a problem. However, this sentence is a bit odd:
How else should this couple be referred to? Surely it's okay to use the expression "lesbian couple" here, no? Because "lesbian" refers to the couple, not necessarily to the individuals. I'm describing a current configuration, not the whole of the identity of its parts.
Well, ideally I'd just use "couple" for everyone. Seems more inclusive, but it would be even more wrong by the logic in the quote.
I think I’d use same-sex couple in that scenario. Then you’re not describing anybody's identity, just their current situation/configuration.
That makes total sense.
Seconding what @autumn said. But, personally, I almost always use gender and orientation neutral terms to describe couples (E.g. <name>'s significant other, life partners, just "couple", etc.), unless I know them personally, and/or know their preferences.
In reality there are not many situations in which I'd need to specify the particular arrangement of a couple. I'll just say "Jack and Gene", or whatever. But I do like raising hypotheticals :P
When I am hyper-focused on something, people think I am angry, unhappy, and stressed. Often times they will assume I must need help. The reality is that I am happily satisfied, and have no desire for help unless I ask for it, which I know how to do. I may be stressed, but it's the sort of stress I thrive on. Mostly I just want to be left alone. I can understand to some degree why people think I'm in a bad place since I become monosyllabic and inattentive to them. They are used to me putting whatever I am doing down and being available. It took me a good portion of my life before I knew how to be unavailable in the presence of others, so maybe I'm just not doing it right.
I once heard Penn Jillette say, "It's hard to say 'big' without adding the word 'dumb'," and that really struck a chord with me. I have certainly surprised people who have thought that the bug guy would be the dumb guy. It's strange, because I'm not even all that big - about 185cm / 135kg, which is certainly bigger than average, but not stupendously sizable.
Edit: nor am I particularly smart, but just smart enough to avoid "big and dumb".
People assume that I’m very conservative, which can hardly be further from the truth.
With COVID I grew my hair out (as a guy), hasn’t been cut for over 2 years, which seems to have changed that perception somewhat, but I’ve had far fewer interactions with new people, so hard to say.
I once even had a guy drive up while I was cleaning the yard, ask if I was a fellow Mormon, then said something like “oh, you just look like it”. That one might be explained by the fact that I’m distantly related to Hinkle according to my mostly Mormon extended family, and some far back relatives were Mormon pioneers, so maybe I just have “that look” even though this exchangee didn’t occur in a predominantly Mormon place. And maybe that also explains the general pigeonhole that I often find myself in.
It’s frustrating because it’s hard to make likeminded friends because the ultra right people approach, but the left leaning people tend to act awkward and reserved in my presence.
Unless people see my day to day, it can be hard for them to understand how my chronic illnesses are actually disabling. I'm sure this happens when I go to doctor appointments - most recently I talked with a geneticist for a follow up and he summarized my current energy as, "You're working part time and taking classes, sounds pretty good."
I'm taking one class, and working less than 10 hours a week. Not sure that's "good" energy levels...
Part of this is my difficulty fully explaining the things I live with; they're normal to me, so it doesn't occur to me to tell a doctor that I can only walk the length of my street. Another part of it is that people generally see me when I'm at my best, since I can't leave the house at my worst. But part of it is probably a bit of ableism.
We had some close family friends that I grew up seeing fairly frequently. One of them confessed to me that when I first got ill, they all thought my parents were coddling me and that I wasn't really that sick. It was only after they saw me in person struggling with normal things that they realized I was actually sick. It really hurts that people who had known me almost my entire life thought that I was just being lazy and dropping out of school for no reason. I was a straight A student who loved school, how could they think that? How could they think my parents, who always had high academic standards and expected me to go to college, would let me drop out of high school if I was capable of attending? It's honestly hard to trust them now...