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What's your honest opinion about people who are not afraid of asking for what they want?
Apologies for the wordy title. Generally speaking, I do not hesitate to ask for things - needs, wants, help - especially in a professional context.
I realize though that most people are not like me, and I think it would come across as a bit narcissistic if I started asking my acquaintances and friends about their perception of me. It's a bit of a self-serving question even here, but oh well.
In any case, I turn to you: what is your honest opinion about people that ask for what they want? Do you have a positive or negative perception of them? Or maybe you can share some interesting anecdotes.
Part of why my relationship with my wife works is because we both ascribe to a very simple premise: We are not telepathic creatures. If you do not plainly state what you are thinking, nobody else is going to know. Sometimes we can guess what the other person may be feeling and prompt them, but we'll never know for sure until it comes out of their mouth.
I don't comprehend how other people can function without this level of honesty and transparency. Without it, it feels like a hotbed for breeding misunderstanding and distrust.
HackerNews had an excellent thread about this a few weeks ago related to this article about Ask vs Guess culture.
For some people it's really hard, culturally, to ask for things. So other people are supposed to proactively offer, sometimes multiple times, because it's also culturally expected that people refuse whatever is offered a few times before accepting.
And for us, living in an Ask culture, that is completely bonkers. If I want coffee when I'm visiting, I'll tell you and if I don't I'll tell you too.
You don't need to offer it to me three times just to check I'm not being polite when I 'm refusing for the first two times.
That is a very nuanced question but I'll answer it as simply as I can.
Any relationship (work, friends, family, lovers, etc) is like a metaphorical bank account. If there are too many withdrawals and not enough deposits it won't balance out. Eventually that account will be closed for too many overdrafts.
Personally, in my own life I've helped my 5 person friend group from high school move at least a dozen times. I moved once (with a month's notice) and not a single person helped. While I didn't think they "owed" me I certainly took notice. It wasn't long after that realization that I also noticed that a few of them would always go out to places if I was buying the beer or the tab was split (I'd pay all 50% of the time, we'd split the other 50%) but they had never, once, offered to buy me a beer. Once again, I didn't necessarily feel "owed" it to me but I noticed.
I no longer see those people.
Professionally, I've had the same coworker ask for me to finish a duty of their's for various reasons and take credit (fine) but then either expect me to continue to do the task and/or always find some reason why they can't finish a simple task for me. I didn't think they "owed" me but I certainly noticed after a few times.
I've had quite a few employees ask for all sorts of schedule changes that I granted without hesitation yet were never able to come in an hour early in 10+ asks with a week's notice. I didn't think they "owed me" but I certainly noticed.
I no longer help those coworkers.
While my examples seem very transactional based, it always seemed to be one way transactions. People are certainly free to ask. Often I will enjoy the fact that they can reach out to me to ask. The vast majority of people that I've been friends with or worked with are not like that and will pitch in to help without hesitation.
However, the "moochers" will always stand out.
I don't mind, as long as the person asking doesn't start to argue with me when I say "no." I don't mind giving a reason but I've upset at least two persons when the reason was "I can't be bothered" or something like that.
Gracefully accepting a "no" is critical.
I wear some interesting jewelry. Someone I had just met, mentioned that all her jewelry had been gifted to her. She was proud she didn't pay for any of it. Then she started asking about one of my items. Then she flat out asked me for it. I said no. She was clearly unhappy. She asked me why. I explained why I wanted to keep it. She lost interest in talking to me after that.
As long as you are graceful with a simple no, and don't treat relationships as a one way gravy train, I think you are probably fine?
You can ask co-workers for a 360 evaluation. Check with your HR department to see if they have that available to you.
What the heck? This person got upset because you said no when she asked to have your jewelry?
Please tell me this was during your time in pre school.
I can't imagine ever asking someone to have something of theirs and then get upset when they say no.
I refuse to believe someone older than 5 would get upset at you saying no in this scenario.
I was mid twenties, she was a little older. She had scored a lot of jewelry by asking for it.
I think it depends on the attitude you have, and the things you are asking about.
For example, in a professional context, if you are asking for help because you don't know something, I would see that as humility. However if it's the 3rd+ time you are asking about the same thing, my opinion changes to, "this person isn't learning, just asking me to do their work for them."
In a more personal context, I find stoic philosophy helps understand this. Stoic philosophy says (among other things), your negative emotions are a result of a negative discrepancy between your expectations and reality. Following this, if you don't say what you want, the expectation is assumed, and that discrepancy falls mostly on you because you didn't communicate your expectation clearly/at all.
All of this to say, "asking for what you want" allows the person you are asking to say "no" and set boundaries. As long as you accept that being an outcome, I see no problem in asking.
Speaking only for myself, my perception of people who ask for what they want matters less than how they ask for it. A person who demands less but without consideration for the structures or people around them is generally unpleasant compared to someone who asks for more but in a way more considerate to others.
As for your question of "How do I come across?" I think if it's couched well, maybe in deference to a third (non-existent) person, it might be better received than a straightforward question.
I think that you're unlikely to get a good answer here as the results will vary strongly based on what you're asking for and how you ask for it. My wife's (former) best friend never had a problem asking for things, but she would frequently ask for things that I found inappropriate (money, use of our car for extended periods of time, etc) and in a professional setting I've had coworkers ask for things consistently in demanding, rude ways. As you can imagine I had poor opinions of both of those types of people for different reasons, but not because they were asking for what they wanted.
Totally positive and to some extent something I respect, assuming folks are being reasonable and polite about it. In general/on principle, I see this as confidence and I like working with folks who are confident in what they're doing, it's a sign I would pay some attention to in other words.
It's when I detect someone attempting to take advantage that I start to bristle, and I don't tolerate folks who act busy delegating everything they are in fact meant to be doing. What I try to avoid is a pattern where I'm just a reflexive go-to any time a question arises. I'd really prefer folks try to work things out themselves first.
I won't judge you negatively, in fact I'm more inclined to like the fact that you're quite frank and open about things.
However, if you ask for too many things, be prepared to take it easy if all demands aren't met. The problem occurs when expectations rise too much and you start reacting in a difficult manner if they aren't met. But generally, it's all right.
Are you also available to help if asked? Are you cooperative and considerate of others needs?
In a work space it can be fine with a mind your own business, meet your own needs culture of independence. It can also be fine with a culture of mutual aid. But as someone else wrote, don't be a moocher and be sensitive to signals that you are asking for too much.
I like when people are direct but not rude. I think the world would be much better this way.
But I understand that it isn’t so simple in practice. Because rude people are usually direct and nice people are usually not, I think being direct can make people subconsciously assume you’re rude and aggressive even if you really didn’t do anything to warrant it. And I sometimes assume direct people are rude and aggressive despite trying to look past my emotional bias and at what they actually say. This is especially true if you’re talking online, because in-person tone distinguishes friendliness from hostility.
I think there’s a solution which lets you have it both ways: be direct, but use a small amount of filler to convey that you’re friendly and passive (when asking for what you want, unless you're the boss and it's related to your job, you should be accepting "no" as a possible answer). Small things like “hey, can you…” and then saying thanks, vs just “can you…”. The filler gives the opposite subconscious bias, but you still clearly state what you intend.
Once you’re already friendly with someone you can be a lot more direct too, because they already have the right implicit assumption.
Very positive perception, they are refreshingly easy to speak to - provided they can ask for what they want without being rude. I work with a lot of Danish people and they have a certain straightforwardness/ bluntness that I appreciate in a professional setting. It's helpful to have in personal relationships too, there's little room for any misunderstandings that can fester.
The premise of the question is a little vague and every situation is different, but I'll do what I can to answer.
In a professional context, I try to foster an environment where it's okay to ask questions and get help. Asking experts a lot of questions about their work is a core aspect of my job as a technical writer so I have a few guidelines that I try to go by:
You can apply a lot of this to personal relationships as well. Like I said, every situation is different and this thread is already full of examples of all of the variables that can effect how I look at someone who asks for help