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Where do you find community?
Where do you find support and friendship? Who are the folks who encourage you and add positivity to your life? It can be anything from a local gym to a sewing group to an online forum. I'd love to hear about every's little supportive corners and community networks!
- this was kicked off by the Bro summer waits for us all thread.
I don't find it anywhere, so I just lose myself in my work. Just being honest here. There's only been a handful of people that I've really ever connected with in any meaningful way and we don't get together or talk as regularly as I'd like. Part of it is that I can't stand meaningless conversation. I can converse for hours about some obscure technical issue or some weird hobby I have. Finding people that can deeply talk about the same things that I am interested in is hard.
I suspect yours has the most votes due to being relatable to so many of us here. It certainly is with me.
My only close friends have deeply shared interests and values. And, yes, I have very few. Most of my acquaintances who could be friends are people that I met through spending time with them across several technical conferences over several years. Yet we are not close because we are accustomed to seeing each other infrequently and only within the liminal space of conferences.
My marriage largely put an end to my tech conferencing and COVID put the last nail in that coffin.
I don't want to be close with people from work. I've had too many shallow/false friendships that way. Sure, they're fine for networking but they rarely amounted to connection.
I accept, however, the general absence of connection in my life is, at least in part, and perhaps majority, a function of early life experiences that cause me to want to trust yet default to mistrust of most people in my life. This has begun to improve after many years of therapy.
So, put another way, if you find yourself saying "I don't have community", consider asking yourself how much you are unintentionally contributing to that vacuum that deserves to be filled.
Your post resonated with me deeply
My family moved to rural Atlantic Canada during covid, and many many many other "come from away" families will report how difficult it is to fit in and how shallow and cold the relationship is with these very friendly people. Friendliness is a demeanor, not how they feel about you nor how meaningful that relationship is.
But much of the problem at least for me is that I'm not looking for a community here nor for deeper friendships. I already have super good friends from highschool and my roster for "people I care that deeply about" is all full up. Trouble is that those people are all very busy and I moved to the opposite side of the continent. Geography and time are my biggest hurdles: I already feel like I'm not spending enough time getting deeper into those relationships.
then the will to seek more relationships on top of that just isn't within me
That's tough and to be honest, finding community can be really difficult. I've found it counter intuitive that when I live in big cities I find it much harder to find community than when I live in smaller towns. Something about having access to so much and so many people seems to make people less welcoming.
I hope you're able to find one or that some of your conversations here fill some of that void!
Honestly, I feel like I'm brimming with community but that until I can cut my way through the chaff and get to the good stuff, all conversations begin in a small-talky, meaningless fashion.
I'm in a similar boat. I grew up in Canada and had social circle of friends that I belonged to (all made through school/university), but moved to the USA when I was 20 and never really rebuilt anything like that. Outside of my wife and kids, work is essentially my only community. I have a matrix server that I use to keep in touch with exactly one childhood friend (who also moved to the USA so we get together occasionally), but since I don't use traditional social media I've pretty much lost contact with everyone else. I see my family (brother, parents) at least once or twice a year when we visit Canada or they visit us down here, and see my extended family (cousins and such) even less frequently.
I'm an "introvert" as far as that term is generally used, and have very low needs as far as social interaction or human contact goes, so I'm not dissatisfied with the situation or lonely/depressed about it. But I do sometimes wonder about how I would go about meeting new people with common enough interests that we could be friends if I ever wanted to, and usually come up pretty blank. I think that will become more of a priority once my kids eventually move out and empty nest syndrome rears its ugly head.
I find community with my coworkers; I find community at my church; I find community with my friends where I live; I find community with my friends online. Earlier in my life, I neglected all but the latter, but I've found as I've grown older how much more important a "real life" community is. We're social creatures by nature. There's something missing in digital relationships, and there's something sacred about connecting analog. I'm not sure the former could ever fully capture the feeling and potential of the latter. Consequently, I've also found that I'm spending less and less time online.
Hear! Hear! I agree analog relationships tend to have that little addition of magic to them. Maybe because we get a more fleshed out version of the people we interact with and get all the additional feels that you're calling out. I do think as a society we're starting to recapture some of our community spaces and reassess the value of local community. I'm so glad you have such a strong local communities in so many different spaces in your life!
Agree on all, I just don't do church. Instead I found community through my friendly local game shop.
I don't have one currently. The last time I did was before we moved away from our Church community. There were reasons and the move was good in other ways, but I lament the loss of that community a lot.
What I would call a community is one where folks with differences from three or more of these categories mingle: languages, backgrounds, age, views and family make ups. Where these groups get together regularly and be invested in each other's lives and do things they do NOT have common in, that's a community.
Not a hobby group, not a volunteer group, not a class, not a protest group, not for Church, not for pierogies fest, and most definitely not work. If folks are only gathering because of ONE common reason that's not a community, that's just a hobby group. Some of the worst groups I've visited are the ones where folks have one common reason to gather and they think they're all that because of it.
I suspect many people don't have one. And is it any wonder? Our parents likely all worked full time all the time. We spent the majority of the first 20ish years in school in arbitrarily segregated groups that rotate every hour and every year. After that we struggle with debt and homelessness and near starvation until we find a job and move to wherever that is. When we get laid off seasonally or when our health don't permit us to stay at the same job anymore we are back on the road. Our lives are a cycle of no meaningful free social time + being ripped away from family, friends and actual communities.
Someone posted this and I finally read it today.
Why are religious teens happier than their secular peers? -- Here’s what we can learn from the way faith communities stay rooted in the real world — and diminish the harms of the virtual one.
I was also watching a documentary on kids living on garbage heaps and slums. One person commented, don't shed too many tears for them, save them for yourselves. This person visits the slums regularly because they've still got family there. They said, when they talk to the kids about the prevalence of depression, dysphoria, bullying, isolation, loneliness, hopelessness, eating disorders, self harm, suicide etc among kids in supposedly far wealthier nations, the kids in the slums are shocked. They shed tears for our youth, they are outraged, they asked how come the govt isn't doing anything and is there light at the tunnel for our youth to have a brighter future. Those kids in the short doc seem quite happy. They have friends and family and their personal stories are rooted in place and time with history and meaning for them.
We've all got money now and we can afford fries chicken and sleep on nearly new mattresses without rats in the house, but our utter poverty is shocking.
I'm curious what you would consider a community? We have a really nice neighborhood community but it seems like that falls under one common reason in that we live near each other. And my morning swimming groups feels like it's disqualified as it's an activity focused group. Outside of family, where do we see folks getting together without any binding activity, belief, or identity to engage them in the first place? Genuinely curious, no sarcasm or anything.
PS: Where is this pirogies fest, it sounds amazing!
The pierogies thing is a sadly common trope in older ethnic communities, where their young people increasingly move away and grandkids maybe don't speak the language, and they get together once a year to eat pierogies and showcase their culture to the wider community.....but with increasingly fewer and fewer volunteers among younger folks and will disappear within a couple more generations. See also Greek fest or Chinatown events: the average age is going steadily up and up.
Thanks for asking and sorry for the verbal mess there....actually a neighborhood community is exactly what I mean. People aren't "gathering", they're already there. And they don't have a common "activity" they're doing, they're just doing regular life. But so many neighborhoods these days are full of folks who wave and nod but don't know your dog's name and don't invite you when their family has a party. That's not doing life that's having a locker next to yours.
Sometimes hobby groups become a community: they're gathered for a common activity, but after they are "already" there, they start to do or plan regular life things together outside of the originally common hobby. Example, when a swimming group goes for lunch after the swimming session; when a faith group paint each other's houses; when classmates hang out all summer; when a knitting group do a cookie exchange.....
I guess I wanted to distinguish between real communities as folks used to know them and the poor facsimile that a lot of people are sold these days. So many young parents take their kids to "community Santa day" or "Halloween party" or whatever and think their child is experiencing a community. Many adults go to work and have pleasant chats at work but don't actual hang out after work hours beyond once a month beer socials and think that's a community. They're not. They're targets for GoFundMe when crisis hits, not folks you can count on to house sit your dog or pick you up from 2 hrs away or help rebuild your shed. They're people you sell girl guide cookies to, not folks who will sit with your kid and listen for the 10th time before giving them advice about their break up.
I was pretty confused by your original take, but I think this description sums it up very nicely. True community doesn't solely exist at the nexus of whatever shared activity brought people together in the first place.
Ah, I hear you, makes total sense and I totally agree with you. That's a very insightful observation.
Without heading down a "woe is me" rant, I do think as a generation we've been a little boned. Expectations of rugged individualism are through the roof, community support is at an all time low, and options for engaging with 3rd spaces have been systematically removed. Even the tried and true watering hole is a difficult prospect for many as the prices get a drink or food out with any regularity is a difficult financial prospect.
To be honest, I mostly asked this question to see where folks have been having luck. I feel very fortunate to have a number of hobby groups turn into communities where I'm currently living, but that's been more of an anomaly than a rule. A great example is when we lived in the Netherlands I got a job as a setter at the local gym and thought it would be a great way to create a community. But as it turned out, while I had folks to climb with and go on climbing trips with - not one person from the climbing gym came to our going away party. In effect, a hobby group/co-workers and not a community! Meanwhile, my partners co-workers were often at our house after work and on the weekends and gave us quite the blowout when we left. Since then we've stayed in touch with most of them, having visited 5 of them (all living in different countries) and attended 2 of their weddings.
I'd love to know what the magic is that turns groups into communities and I think to some degree it is desire. When we moved to where we now live during Covid, a good deal of folks had done the same. One group threw a neighborhood party and almost immediately we had this amazing little community. We were baby sitting, borrowing tools, going for walks/bike rides, setting up meal shares... I had never experienced anything like it.
Thanks again for pushing back on what community means, I think it's an important clarification that hopefully resonates with folks here or gives a look into what is out there!
The Bro Summer thread really got me thinking about my own communities as her experience largely mirrored my own where a climbing gym ended up being the first community I found as an adult. It feels like we're losing our in person community space and public third spaces so I'm so interested to see where folks are finding community in their lives. I've been fortunate since covid to have found some amazing communities I'm excited to chat about.
Open water dip and swim community. These folks are awesome! I usually get down to the beach around 8am where there is always a small group of anywhere from 3-10 people getting in the water. The majority of folks are women in their 60s to 80s and usually spend their time floating or swimming around in the protected area of the cove. These ladies are badass! The majority go in in just their swimsuits (the water is 48-54 Fahrenheit/~10 Celsius) and stay out there for nearly an hour - a feat I don't think I could do! They are all so welcoming and have nicknames for my friends and I that swim from there. Regardless of the weather or temperature everyone is always happy, excited to be there, grateful for their time in the water, and extremely welcoming and encouraging of new folks. We all know each other quite well now and there is often concerned discussion if one of the regulars misses a morning. The other swimmers in the area, the Kelp Crawlers, are a nice bunch but not nearly as much as the morning dippers. I love those folks.
The second has been what started as our local pickup volleyball crew, but has turned into the local "sports" crew. The size of the group fluctuates from ~8 in the winter to ~30 in the summer, but they are always high energy, welcoming to anyone who wants to join, and very very fun. It's one of the most diverse groups I'm a part of, running the political, age, race, gender, and belief gambit. We usually meet up 2 days a week (one weekday and one weekend day) and those are always my favorite days of the week. The number of times folks repeat just how much they look forward to our games and just seeing everyone is so encouraging and validating. They make a tough week much easier to swallow!
The last one is the climbing community. I've been pretty solidly injured for about a year with what is a potentially lifetime hand problem and the climbing community has been so encouraging. I used to work at the primary setter for the local gym and was so sad when the injury meant I needed to stop. Even though I haven't been to the gym in over a year I still have climbers from the community check in on how I'm doing, see when they can expect to see me back, and so have even joined other groups like the volleyball group because they missed hanging out. It's such a welcoming community and regardless of where I have lived, the climbing community has been central to my friend/support network.
EDIT: and of course Tildes!!! I appreciate all of you putting up with my hot takes and sometimes annoying tangents. I love how welcoming and patient our little community here is. Thank you all for being a part of that and fostering such a lovely environment!
Oh my, in so many ways. I love to connect with people!
I have various hobbies where I have followed their scene/followed the progress of the different actors throughout the years. It's like a healthy FOMO game I've been playing for a decade pretty much. I actively participate in the subreddits of those communities and/or actively read them everyday. I watch a lot of youtubers that cover those hobbies. Here are some examples of my hobbies:
Bodybuilding: Followed the rise and fall of Phil Heath's Olympia wins, saw the beginning of Classic Physique, followed the arrival of many great BBs and witnessed the death of some of them...
Super Smash Bros: Witnessed some of ZeRo's era of dominance, Mkleo's era. Saw Leffen finally win his Evo. Saw the community get exploded through the MeToo movement. Saw the end of the Five Gods' era...
Chess: Magnus Carlsen... that's it. His dominance is such a joy to see. I've watched so many great games of his. Same goes for Fabi, the rise of the Indians, the Uzbeks, Hou Yifan, Hans' drama...
Soccer: Messi/Ronaldo of course, but since I follow Chelsea's progress, it's a (sad) tale nowadays, but the Abramovich era was insane. Drogba, Shevchenko, Cech, Hazard, Mount, Pulisic, the Lukaku saga...
Boardgames (Spirit Island/Frost/Gloomhaven): Those two games I have actively contributed on the forums as much as I could. Love them to death. I have finished both Haven games and have played more than a thousand SI games, both digital and IRL.
Finally, my friends. I'm lucky enough to have a group of ~6-8 people who are all loving, caring and fun people to be around. I've drank, smoked, played, and experienced so many things with them throughout the years. We have a group chat where we often organize some parties (even in our thirties!) and usually 5-6 people show up. I'm also lucky enough to have another group of friends (from university) that I see semi-regularly.
I really loved seeing this question on Tildes so thank you for asking it. I've been depressed in the past and finding that sense of community really gave me a reason to live. Just having the feeling of "I was there" makes life worth living, even if "I was there" just means watching a bodybuilder defeat a seven-years reigning champion.
I am part of a Toastmasters group that is a supportive community.
I have a close long term friend I met years ago on an internship.
I have one neighbor I talk with.
Tildes is a source of support and fun discussion
The gym and powerlifting community is where I have the most community support. It's a small sport which has been growing very rapidly over the last 5 years but still has the "small world" feel. Which means internationally there is a lot of interconnectedness. It feel great to be able to travel, stop into a local gym that was recommended and work out with people who know the same people you do.
My home gym is very tight knit. I've lifted with many of them for 5+ years. I've seen some of them shit or piss themselves deadlifting, I've seen their failures after months of prep, I've seen the days they come and just don't have the motivation to do much. They've seen much of the same from me (minus the shitting and pissing... but they've seen me throw up and lay on the floor for 30 minutes).
I've also seen them stand on the podiums of state, national, and international competitions. I've seen them achieve goals that spanned 15 years of their life. Start their own businesses and families. They've seen me through divorce, financial hardships, doctorate defenses, highs, and lows.
I don't hang out with them outside of the gym, but I guess we already see each other for several hours a couple times a week. But the energy is incredible, the gym picks up on someone's body language that they're going for a big lift. Everything else stops, everyone gathers around to watch, and starts shouting their motivational phrases, a shout goes up as they struggle through a sticking point, and a cheer when the lift is completed (or an awkward pretending like nothing happened if they missed it).
There's nothing quite like getting to the gym, seeing the bay doors open, hearing clanks of plates and booms of deadlifts being put down mixed with whatever music someone has decided the vibe is for the day, walk in and get some fist bumps and a "good to see you bro, whatcha hitting today?", "we were worried because we didn't see you tuesday", "looking beefy king", or "bro, we were all just saying how much work you've been putting in, you're doing awesome."
It's a feeling I hope other can get elsewhere, because it's something I'd immediately search for again if this group dispersed.
I feel a bit embarrassed to admit this, but Furcadia.
I don't consider myself a furry, but I am a fan of the furry fandom, and on Furcadia I'm playing a furry character just like anyone else. There is a human option (creatively called, uh, Hyooman), but there aren't too many people playing those characters so it would make you stand out like a sore thumb.
The thing about furries is that they're an endlessly supportive group. If you hang around any group long enough it's inevitable that you'll find people dealing with heavy stuff, and in these crowds they are surrounded with very supportive people who have a good chance of having experienced those things themselves. I've never seen anyone act intentionally hurtful. And they're also in some of the deepest niches since they tend to be invested in arts - I've come across countless artists and musicians, and two of the three people I've met in my life with my particular tastes in music have come from there.
I'm both introverted and have social anxiety; combine that with a job that deals with talking to people a lot and by the end of the day I'm not feeling like going out and dealing with real people. As with most online spaces, it's perfectly acceptable to just sit around and not interact with others for a while. It takes a lot for me to get attached to a social thing and actually have a desire to go; the last time that happened in real life was when I was just out of high school. Having a crowd that doesn't expect one to be there regularly helped me to generate that desire. On the downside it means that I can't expect people to be there regularly - even though many do. But even then, I wouldn't consider myself to be one to stay there regularly or for long periods of time.
If you want to check it out come by the coffee shop in Naia Green; I'll be the bear making bad jokes.
holy crap, furcadia is still around?? is it still active or has it turned into a ghost town? i was super active on there as a teenager, my favorite part was wandering through people's dreams and then trying (and failing) to build my own. good times lol
Yes and no. Some of the main dreams are ghost towns but others are pretty popular. Sadly Olde Town - the adults only socializing hub - has been largely abandoned in favor of Furcadian Nights - the adults only "anything goes" hub. Bramblebean's dream, Bramblebrook, is one of the biggest socializing spots, and although I haven't seen any evidence of anyone doing any hanky panky there, it is located in Furcadian Nights.
Right now there's a bit fewer than 500 active players.
If it's been a while, Furcadia has gone through some major improvements over the year. It now has full color and dreams can have MP3 music. There has been improvements to DragonSpeak, the programming language that lets you make your dreams dynamic. One of the main dreams now has a roller coaster! All of them have been redone to an extent, but FurN has been given the most dramatic upgrade. There are also a lot more digo shop items - the paid cosmetic DLC that finances the game. Though the game still remains entirely accessable without purchasing any of them.
Join us, join us, join us, join us.... :P
*chuckles nervously*
circa 2003-2006ish? lmao. i had absolutely no business spending as much time in furn as I did, but that's where all the cool people hung out so ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ on the plus side, I'm still irl friends with someone I met on there.
I'll definitely make a new character and check it out again, if only for nostalgia's sake. I'm sure my og character is long gone, but that's probably for the best lol.
I have two major communities.
The first one is TECHNICALLY a hobby group, and some posters decided that doesn't count. And yet, this group is arguably very tight-knit, always giving each other support not just in the hobby, but also in their lives overall. That said, it is a very niche hobby, and not just anyone can get into this specific group. Which may be part of why it's so supportive.
The other one I was introduced to by a co-worker. This is a more general group, but we get together on bi-weekly basis. It's actually an international group, so you have people from many parts of the world, and the people who come regularly are people who you find yourself wanting to just spend some time with, chat a bit about what's going on in your life, and then everyone heads home after a few hours. Of course, there's usually food involved, which is one of its big draws. However, this is something I also have to actively make time for, which i think is the big key: in today's world, you have to carve out time for anything that isn't work or school.
I don't have a community but I used to be a part of the local poi spinning community. I found it hard to keep up once I started my most recent job at a large tech firm because it leaves me pretty wiped out. These days I keep to a handful of close friends. Only a few still live nearby, but I'm grateful we keep in touch pretty regularly.
I do wish I had a community but covid let me fully embrace the introvert in me and I've also developed quite a bit of social anxiety. I've always had some social anxiety but frequently challenged myself throughout my 20s until I didn't notice it anymore. And then covid happened and it came back. Honestly, these days I'm not as interested in socializing as I used to be. So as much as I wish I had a community, what I really want is to magically have more close friends with similar interests.
I absolutely do, though the 9-5 grind means that I'm often spending time with select members of each community.
Some are old friends from high school, some I play music or video games with, others I go to raves with. The nice thing is that if my hobbies in any one of these groups is weird enough, the people invested in each can often overlap and get along.
I found friends in my job. Many left but I stay in contact with some of the most valuable ones. I also made friends when kids started to go to school, I'm doing a birthday party for a few of other parents in he near future. I also made friends on Steam - and I mean real-life friends, we met personally and had a great time.
I'm kinda maker/tinkerer/boardgame guy, so I may be able to make some friends if I visit some places. The thing is I don't know about such places near me. But I would love to use some workshop or similar for some of my projects! Or have a game evening.