Confessions of a Dumb Person
Hi,
I'm not being false-modest. I'm actually dumb.
I can tell by the initial interactions I have with people. Within 10 minutes of meeting someone, they'll point out how something dumb manifested... and I'm usually in the room when they say it and I'm usually the one who did the dumb thing and it somehow comes out that I did dumb thing... awkward silence... fumbling words/take backs to try and "save" it.
I wish people wouldn't try to take it back. It's like I should be ashamed I'm dumb. I don't think I'm dumb, I just think that I think differently (and I also don't know a lot of things).
I have my own narration. Instead of trying to "save" the situation, I wish people would ask me my narrative/thought process. If I bring it up without being asked, it sounds like I'm trying to make excuses for myself, or I dig a bigger hole because I expose how even more dumb I am?
It's weird. I know I'm dumb, I just don't know when I'm doing something dumb.
Do you know how hard it is going through life not really knowing why you're dumb or when you'll be doing something dumb?
Anyway. What's a dumb thing you've done?
Oh man, where to start?
I am a very, very technically-minded person, so if someone doesn't specify the right technical detail, I will mess something up. If you ask me to bring "cider" to a party, I am going to bring non-hard cider. If you don't tell me to do something now, I will decide a time to do it at my choosing.
My wife says I'm smart, and maybe in some regards I may be, but I consider myself as dumb as a bag of rocks. If you ask me what I'm thinking, I'm literally not thinking anything half the time except maybe a clip show of funny moments from TV/internet/etc., or part of a song on a loop with made-up lyrics.
I recently made a stir fry dish, but forgot to make the rice. I thought, "No problem, I'll start it now, and in 15 minutes I'll put the meat and veggies in the microwave for a few seconds to warm them up," only to realize that we were completely out of rice.
Every week my wife asks me to add stuff to our shared grocery list before she goes out.
Every week I try to make sure we've got everything for recipes I've been wanting to try.
Every week I forget to add at least one crucial ingredient.
...though, on the flip side of that equation, every week there's an ingredient she can't find at the store that I know is there somewhere, so she leaves it perpetually on the list until one of us finds it. I know I've seen pomegranate molasses at least once!
Was the coffee maker one of those commercial-style ones with the cylindrical carafes? 'Cause those things are straight up treacherous!
Once I was making coffee at the office with one and I accidentally offset the carafe causing a huge mess when the coffee spilled down the side. When I heard it splattering on the floor I ran out of my adjacent office and tried to move the carafe to stop coffee getting everywhere, but in the process I made everything way worse and hurt myself. There's a divot on top and boiling hot coffee that had collected there - TERRIBLE design by the way - spilled onto my hands. It wasn't a serious burn, but it was one of those burns where the pain just keeps ramping up over time for a while. I ended up having to go home because it hurt so bad!
I even used to work at a coffee shop. I had pretty good heat resistance in my hands for a while but I supposed it faded with time, so I overestimated my ability to touch the hot carafe. Bleh!
Yup! It was one of those.
And oh man, those burns are the worst! I don't know why, but at some point in my life I decided expressing pain (wincing, shouting, etc.) was useless? And to just go on. But with burns, it's like a constant reminder "hey buddy, this thing hurts!"
Digressing a bit, but when I got into meditation and there's the whole "check in with the body" thing, I hate it, 'cause I feel like I have a trigger-happy anxiety ready to go at any time, "what's that? why does that feel that way? is that normal? google: do hearts explode? can I think heart into exploding? answer me google!"
I can't tell much from your description, but it sounds like sometimes you make mistakes and you wish recovering from them were smoother. Maybe if you talked about what kind of mistakes you make, some of us could give advice?
I am somewhat hard of hearing and sometimes absent minded, and often make mistakes due to some combination of them. I find that trying to get by pretending to hear often breaks down, so I try not to do that, but recovery requires cooperation.
(I am also quite prone to leaving out words when writing comments.)
It sounds like you have difficulties with social interaction. That’s a far cry from being “dumb”.
I have a similar problem.
I once asked my uncle if he was going to the graduation ceremony of my cousin. He answered me, appalled: “Of course I am: that is my son”.
To give you another perspective, a common reason someone might do that is because they're not really thinking when they comment on how dumb something is, especially if they already feel stressed or harried from something else. When we make a mistake, or you see something that doesn't have a clear owner, it's easy to overreact and treat it as much more serious than it actually is. When you suddenly know and especially if you can see the person that did it, it forces us to reevaluate and think about whether it's actually that big of a deal to make a fuss about. Someone misloads the coffee machine and it makes a mess - it's irritating if you're busy and just want some coffee, but if you take a moment to think about it, is it really that much of a problem? And oftentimes, it's really not. Everyone's done stuff like this abentmindly, and all it takes is a cleanup and maybe a delay to get everything back in order. It's something I'd gripe to myself about, or feel mortified if I did it, but it's not a big deal if someone else does. It's just easy to overreact when you there's no reason to consider what you're saying, if that makes any sense haha.
For most people, that sounds pretty confrontational though, and puts you on the spot. It also makes your action sound way more deliberate and intentional than it might actually be. Like for example, if you mis-made the coffee, was it really deliberate? It was likely just an accident, or maybe you were just tired, or possibly the instructions were confusing. It may be your responsibility, but it's not your fault, and it's trying to pin something as willful when it wasn't.
Even if it was though, like you wanted to try a new way to make coffee and it made a mess, it's generally up to you to explain yourself, not for others to interrogate it out of you. And it's not awkward in the slightest. Consider something like this; you made your pot of coffee by fooling around with the brewing process trying to make it better, but it backfired and caused a spill. Coworker A walks in, and comments something like "Ugh, why do people always leave messes like this?"
If you respond sheepishly with something like "sorry, that was my fault, I tried something new with the coffee maker and it backfired. Do you know where we keep the cleaning supplies?", it'll be perfectly acceptable to 90% of people. They may still think it's dumb, but you provided your reason, you took responsibility, there isn't really much more you can ask. And if they continue to have a problem with it, then they're frankly being a little unreasonable.
Sure. I have Asperger's Syndrome myself, which is a form of ASD. I do awkward things and make mistakes all the time, and they always catch me off guard even though I've spent my entire life learning to fit in and cope with society. It's quite hard - it easily leads to feelings of isolation, mortification, and that sense you'll never fit in with others. The best way I've found to combat it is to be as forgiving, polite, and helpful as I can be towards others, and hope that in turn they show me some extra courtesy to compensate for my constant clumsiness. It doesn't always work, but it does make significant inroads with people, especially if you live or work in a stable environment where you can make some long term relationships with people (which I sadly don't have much experience with).
LOTS. Oh boy, could I spin some shit with all the stupid and awkward things I've done in my life. I still get flashbacks haha. But just today, literally not even 5 hours ago, I was in a conference call for a science class. While we were doing our group discussion on ways to make Honolulu a more sustainable city, I tried to interject and respond to someone's point, but someone else just talked over me. So I thought I'd accidentally muted my mic (this happens a ton with Zoom), so I dragged up the volume slider on mine. Only, I wasn't paying attention and dragged it up way too far, so then my voice just blasted over everyone else's. So then to remedy it, I tried to unplug my microphone / headset, so then the audio came out the speaker's was picked up by the laptop's internal mic, and created this absolutely horrendous feedback loop. It totally derailed our conversation, when the professor was listening no less, and made me feel so embarrassed I didn't even volunteer to present our group discussion, which was one way I could've made it up, and now I'm kicking myself for that too.
Everyone was super chill about it, one of my friends even said that she'd done it herself before, but I'm still dying inside and dreading the next time we meet. But if someone else had done this, I wouldn't give two thoughts to it, and I sure as heck wouldn't be wondering if the other people would be thinking about it later. We're naturally harsher to ourselves than we are to other people, so even if it feels terrible (and it really does, there's no denying it), you just gotta keep perspective sometimes and move on. If it makes you feel better, try to make sure not to repeat it, or see if there's an opportunity in the future to redeem yourself to them - even if they don't remember, it'll put the issue to rest for you, which is valuable in and of itself.
Thank you, I love hearing other perspectives! I know I can get in my own head sometimes and I know it's unreasonable. Thank you
You're right.
You're right, I'll try this template! Thanks!
I keep relying on my positive attitude/ bubbliness/ soft nature. I'm worried it'll get old. But it seems like the most effective way to cope.
Things like this happen to me all the time!
Thanks for your post =]
That's what I do! It does make for an amazing buffer, though sometimes it gets tiring.
It sounds like it's more about social anxiety and doubting yourself rather than just being "dumb". You should try to get the root of the problem by analyzing where you're weak and trying to strengthen that area. Not to sound patronizing, but I doubt you are as "dumb" as you think.
Thanks, yeah, I'll work on it with my Therapist! I moved to a new area that has a culture I'm not used to and I'm feeling awkward from the missed/slipped social interactions.
I said "UAT Testing" on a conference call yesterday. Still thinking about that periodically today.
Oh come on! That's no worse than "ATM Machine" or "PIN number". People do it all the time.
Yep, it'ca called RAS Syndrome (Redundand Acronym Syndrome - Yes, the double syndrome in this one is on purpose). My former school even has their website with this, it's basically "Something School Cityname", and their website is ssc-cityname.
Hi beanie,
I'm often the most ignorant person in the room, and there is a lot that sucks about that. But it also means that I have a lot of opportunity for learning, and that is super cool! Can you imagine how sad it would be to feel like there is nothing you can learn from others? Where is the wonder and joy of learning new things?!
The sadness of course comes when I am dismissed for ignorance, like the fact that I don't know something somehow means I can't learn something. I think that shows the ignorance of the assumptive person though it doesn't make the dismissiveness hurt less.
To me the joy in life is learning and that means that it's okay to be ignorant (you call it dumb, but I've settled on ignorant). There isn't anyone who knows everything and anyone who pretends otherwise isn't worth spending time on.
Intelligence and knowledge are not equal. Don't let anyone tell you different.
I realize I didn't answer
My husband was invited to a dinner by some people he had grown to know through his commute. We arrive, and I'm surrounded by people talking about their time at MIT, Harvard, Cornell, and the like. I don't have anything to add to these type of conversations, so I'm just smiling, nodding, and hoping I look like I belong. It turns out the hostess had invited us specifically because they were foodies and knew I was a farmer (totally dismissing my husband's extensive education and research endeavors in a foreign country). So I talk about the raising of livestock. I know about it. I lay out the lives of, the food eaten, and the slaughter of the animals we eat. I'm confident in my knowledge of these things. And these educated people seem to be hanging on to my words, and I had never experienced that before. It feels like I am being encouraged to speak more so I start going more local and talking about how individual farmers raise their stock and make a disparaging remark about a local pig farmer who feeds his pigs crap, mostly bread products that he gets free from local bakeries that makes pig fat softer more like not quite set jello instead of the firmer fat you get from a well nourished pig. And I continued with how he's managed to to get so much of the local market acting like he has pasture raised pigs, and charges a premium when the facts are that his pigs aren't anything better than what you buy from the store except they come from here. I didn't know that this meal was a part of a group where these foodies go to each other houses and present their new local findings. This particular night was all about this farmers pork, the farmer I just talked smack about. The pork was served minutes after I finished my... I don't even know what to call it. Let's call it one of my most embarrassing moments ever. I thought I was among friends because they acted friendly, but they weren't friends, and I should have kept my mouth shut. We were not invited to another dinner party by these people and I think about how badly I misstepped to this day.
That's a classic faux pas, a social error based on lack of information. It's not dumb, it's just an unfortunate coincidence that the target of your critical remarks was present.
I once forgot to hang up on a call for a group meeting, and got to hear exactly what some of the participants thought of me. It was actually a valuable learning experience from one person's remarks, and an opportunity to call out another person who was spreading some fairly toxic rumors. I wouldn't discount the value of what happened with your dinner, even if you felt embarrassed.
It took me a while after the incident to understand that we had been invited because I was the "entertainment." Thank goodness the farmer in question wasn't there, just his pork :)
Eh, if they can't take the truth in stride and accept it as a really really fascinating learning experience, forget them.
I know. I love learning. Working in a capitalist society fueled by the need to be more productive, I just hope their was more time for patience.
Sometimes I wonder if it just doesn't take some of us longer than others to find our place in the world. That place where our strengths are nurtured and made stronger, and where our weaknesses are allowed to get some exercise so they aren't so weak.
These three words disprove your entire premise. Maybe you should cut yourself some slack (and pay less attention to other people's opinions).
Ok so I'm kinda interested here - I've met, known and worked with people who described themselves as "not the smartest" which in some cases where absolutely true. Ranging from people with brain damage from past jobs, to former addicts, and to people who where just a tad slower than everyone around them.
But "dumb thing"? How do you define that? How do you "self diagnose"? Like do you KNOW less than others, is there a past IQ test or school score? You say "a dumb thing" - what IS a dumb thing?
Uh, if I had to choose from the options you mentioned, I'd place myself somewhere in the midst of "people who where just a tad slower than everyone around them".
Have you ever met someone and said to yourself "idk how they've survived for this long" <-- I'm that dumb... and lucky. Lucky enough to juuuussttt miss the repercussions of my mishaps/mistakes that surely should have exploded in my face.
Dumb thing ranges from forgetting to put thing I needed to warm up in the microwave, but turning it on - to - not learning from my mistakes (I've locked myself out of a vehicle 3 times in the last 5 months) - to - naive/ gullible (I'll believe anything you say).
No not really. I've met people who DIDN'T survive very long, because they had a good idea that wasn't but...
Doesn't sound like you're very dumb at all just forgetful, and sometimes a bit unfocused on things you don't care much about, or the routine actions of life sort of happen without consideration. Plus too trusting.
Head in the clouds? Fairy-kissed? A childlike charm?
A friend of mine whos very intelligent and sharp - doesn't buy expensive phones any more because he will just keep losing them. His job have stopped handing keys over to him because he keeps just putting them aside when he loses focus and then leaves them wherever since the routine action is something he doesn't bother to memorize.
I mean I don't want to steal your thing here - but I wouldn't call it "dumb".
Do you have specific examples of dumb things you say ?
As you question what's wrong with you, also try questioning what the hell is wrong with other people. Not to the point of being mean-spirited, but just don't sell yourself short.
If you really lack some information on a subject, then accept you have an opportunity to learn, but don't feel pressured to actually learn anything. Being aware of a deficit is more important than fixing it. It doesn't matter how many mistakes or blunders you make, if you do what you're doing now and reflect on them, your conviction in yourself will strengthen and only then might you even start to catch yourself before doing something you think is dumb (though that should be a passive side-effect, not a goal).
Anyone who looks down on you should be scrutinized as much as you scrutinize yourself, but rest-assured most people don't think about your mistakes for more than a a minute or so after they happen.
Edit: My dumb thing is, I make rash political statements when I don't really know the details of what I'm talking about, I just have some emotion that guides what I believe. Like I recently commented on reddit how my city should vote in a mayor that is anti-development, anti-big business, anti-new people. A mayor that can dissuade new residents and get some to leave as a solution for the housing crisis, rather than just build more shitty condos and apartments. Yeah I don't give a shit about where those people go - they're not here yet, so just tell them not to come. I'm sick of the greed and economy-worship that happens in politics. I'd rather have something small, quaint, cheap, friendly, and local, than loud, big, busy, rich assholes everywhere. Pretty dumb and narrow-minded I guess? I just like the way my city is and am tired of all the noise and construction. At the end of the day its emotional and I realize that.
It's possible that the reason they don't ask this, as my first thought was the same, is because asking you why you came to that conclusion is accusatory and insulting further. It's a "What the fuck were you thinking?" conversation and most people would rather a mistake just go away instead of discussing it further.
Let's see... dumb things I've done off the top of my head:
Xmas one year when I was really young, at a family gathering, mother had been taken by her then husband to get a haircut/perm/coloring, there was some movie on that involved a prostitute, mother came back and her hair looked a lot like the woman in the movie, not knowing completely that what I was about to say is insulting I yelled "Mom, you look like a hooker!" So I made my mother cry at a family xmas gathering.
Bought two superchargers with practically no description, zero questions, and on a whim because they were a "good deal." When I received them they were both seized and useless to me. Sold them, with description that they were seized/deeded rebuilding, at a loss and shipped them without insurance. They were subsequently lost in transit and never seen again, so the funds I received on the sale were refunded. Effectively purchasing junk and paying to throw it away.
Married a pill popping, alcoholic, bipolar, schizophrenic, pathological liar.
Didn't purchase a car, that needed very minor work, for $1,000 because I was being a young and dumb cheapskate and figured I could wait them out to get it for $800. While I don't sell the cars I like, and I like that one very much, it's worth about $20k now if I had it and wanted to sell it.