Why do you wanna be a parent?
I really don’t have much to say, that’s 100% an honest question about something I truly fail to understand. I’m not opposed to having children if it seems right for some reason, but this is not a dream or project of mine. When I ask people about it, I get vague answers or stuff I cannot relate to at all. And some people seem to want to get married and have children just because they think they’re supposed to.
I’m really not in a position to judge, but I will probably politely ask further questions for my own education.
If that’s a sensitive topic for you and you don’t wish to indulge my curiosity, maybe this post is not for you! Everything surrounding parenthood tends to generate gratuitous animosity, so please be patient with my earnest ignorance.
I am really looking forward to teaching my kid(s) about how the world works and guiding them through the start of their life journey. The prospect of that is really exciting to me. I am also excited for them to develop their own tastes and seeing how they grow as people.
You said what I was thinking, so I'm going to tack one more thing on: when they start developing tastes/interests, just getting to share that excitement with them. And getting to share my own interests with them.
That’s awesome.
I always think there’s a great possibility that my son/daughter shares none of my interest whatsoever. Maybe they develop an intense liking for sports and salsa dancing, IDK :P
What are your interests? My son is coming up on 3-years-old, and some of my interests work better for sharing with a kid than others. For instance, my passion for soccer is a little easier to pass down right now because it just involves kicking a ball and yelling GOOOOAAAL on occasion, but managing/building a home server and drinking craft beer will have to come later.
I do like soccer, but not a lot, really. It’d might be challenging to find common interests with a kid who was super into sports, cars, and stuff like that. I’m quite the introverted nerd myself.
A stereotypical girlie girl might be even harder to relate to in that regard.
I know that can be managed, of course. I might be a good dad if I became one for some reason. I just don’t intend to become one.
I'm not a parent, so keep that in mind... but having now spent a decent amount of time with my nephew over the last few years I am at least slowly starting to see the appeal.
I still wouldn't ever want to have to deal with the really hard or gross parts myself (e.g. losing sleep, changing diapers, dealing with tantrums, etc) and honestly don't know how my sister and BiL deal with everything that comes with having a kid day in and day out... but having looked after him myself occasionally over the last 6 years (after the diaper changing phase was over!), getting to know him, interact and play with him, discovering how his unique little mind works, getting to experience his bizarre sense of humor, and watching him grow and develop into a really awesome, surprisingly compassionate, remarkably talented little kid (he is in the 90th percentile in school, and made the rep. soccer team this year so will be playing with kids up to 4 years his senior /brag) has been pretty neat.
Now, even with all that said, I still don't know if I could ever take the leap myself though, especially given all my own personal issues, and also given the fact that despite him not being my own son, I often find myself genuinely worrying about his future due to all the shit that's been happening in 2020, and the ever looming threat of global warming. But I at least feel like I somewhat understand why people have kids now thanks to the little brat. ;)
It's pretty cool to watch a new human being come into existence and playing your part (as best you can) in helping shape them into the person they will ultimately become.
Just to say, the nappies (diapers) bit really isn't a thing. You get over that very fast. The sleep thing can be pretty tough going though. Which I say, sitting here having not had more than two continuous hours of sleep for all of last night..
Heh, I dunno about that. I have been a dog owner for almost 40 continuous years now, but I still gag, wretch, dry heave and sometimes even puke whenever I have to pick up their poop. I am really not good with that kinda stuff, so I highly doubt I could easily get used to baby poop either (esp since it usually looks 10000000x grosser than most dog poop).
I have dogs too, and have never really got used to the poop despite having had over a decade of practise. But baby poop is considerably more pleasant, at least until they get onto eating solids. Plus my kid has a mostly vegetarian diet which makes a huge difference.
Also, while I do love my dogs, the shit I'm prepared to put up with (literally) from them is orders of magnitude less than what I'll tolerate from my kid. I'm much more concerned with making sure he's comfortable and clean than I am with my own feelings.
I was the same with diapers. Also not happy with picking dog poop up. But when you're a parent something else kicks in. A lot of choice is also taken from you, which in a sense makes things easier. As much as it feels like it, dogs and children are different emotionally. You bound on a whole different level.
You WILL get over it.
Apologies if this is rude @mrbig but I would like to start a sub-question: do you have a preference for conception over adoption, and why?
I've talked to plenty of friends who want kids but none of them have ever talked about adoption, and I don't know why. I would love to adopt a child one day, and I see it as ethically superior to conceiving: there are already plenty of people on the planet, and adoption is an opportunity to provide a better life for someone who already exists, instead of creating another person and then having to give them a good life. I would really like to know if people have reasons for not adopting, and if adoption is something people who want kids have considered as part of the 'thinking about wanting kids' process.
That’s not rude at all. When it comes to parenthood adopting make no difference whatsoever in my view. If I was able to conceive I might have a different opinion, since it is my understanding that conceiving is no picnic.
I've wanted kids as long as I can remember, which I don't hear too often from other men. I don't think I could have explained it when I was a teenager, but after having my first child, I've come to a conclusion.
Having children is the meaning of life. The only way for life to continue is to have offspring. I think this is why the vast majority of parents say their kids are the best thing about their life. We are hardwired to do whatever we can to ensure that our specific version of life continues. Embrace it. We've evolved enough mentally and culturally to break free of having kids as soon as we are physically able and are able to plan our offspring. It's not good enough to have kids, you need to have kids in a way that will give your kids the best chance of having kids themselves.
Having kids is the most direct way to ensure that I contribute to our species continuing into the future. Having kids is a central piece to living life to it's fullest.
I don’t really care about this sort of continuation. Maybe because I have two and possibly three mental health issues that I definitely wanna keep out of the gene pool. Or maybe because I’m a reincarnationist.
Yeah what do I care about my particular DNA replicating after I’m dead? The universe doesn’t care, I understand that’s a natural animal instinct but I like to think we can reason our way out of that nonsense and I’m left with the conclusion that kids really don’t matter to me.
To start with, I am a dude. This answer will probably be different for women!
I felt the same. In my 20s/30s I knew that eventually I should have children, otherwise I might regret just being all lonesome when I am old and I never not wanted to have children. Sort of meh.
So I lived my life, during my 20s I moved around in Europe, getting things of my checklist: worked at a couple of start ups, at a games company, had my own company and sold it all in different countries, that sort of thing (basically I leveraged my software dev skills for life experience). Eventually my GF at the time and I decided to move together to Canada for a year. This turned into 6 years, a dog and a whole different GF.
By that time I was in my late 30s and we were both pretty much on the same page. Kids are an option, but not a must. Eventually we bought a sailboat in the meds and lived on that, traveling and working for ~3 years. Then the stars malaligned and we had to end this adventure.
So we moved back into the region where I came from, part of my family lives etc. And it's a nice area, lots of vineyards, a calm with small villages and the big city and it's airport within 30 minutes of driving.
She found a great job that pushed her career and gives a ton of security... we settled in and got married. The needle moved more towards trying for a kid and at the same time I had this feeling that I am very much done with my bucket list. At least there wasn't a big pull anymore to be "out there". At the same time I knew that nothing really prepares to have a child. So you can't even base the decision properly. You simply do not know what you're getting yourself into.
So it seemed like a very natural next step. To me this doesn't mean that we'll simply get stuck here, but it's a new chapter in my life opening. That was sort of the mindset, that it's a new adventure happening, a new way to grow as a person.
And then we had our son.
And the people were right, nothing prepares you for it. I've never love like this and at the same time it's also fucking hard. With just the wrong noise the little one can put your heart through a wringer. And then you get that smile, and it doesn't matter if you just walked barefoot through the nine hells, it's all worth it.
I never thought I would be this guy. But here I am, in my office checking getting up on my wife and son every so often during the day. And when I don't I keep looking at pictures of him, because I miss him. He's 2 months old and I already can't picture a life without him.
TLDR: I always kept it as an option, wanted to wait until I was ready and it felt like a natural thing to do. In my mid 40s now, but it totally paid off.
I can understand that, a kid is something that happens, and, like many things in life, you cannot really prepare or fully anticipate that. I’m happy for you. I’m pretty sure it’s not always that case, though: for some people, nothing ever “clicks” inside. I wonder if I’m one of those. I’m the very opposite of emotional and I was once described as a “psychopath” (a well meaning one, I assure you).
Please don’t get me wrong, as I said I’m happy for you, but I ask myself if this kind of affection is at all similar to Stockholm syndrome.
Something I have more trouble understanding are those that plan having children years in advance, sometimes even before having a suitable income or a stable relationship. How some people put that in the center of their lives before the other pieces.
No, as I said, you can't compare it. I couldn't explain it to my younger self from just a year ago.
If you don't want to have kids, that's fine. As whole I think that we only have so many years on this planet and it's solely up to you what you make of this. If kids isn't your thing, that's just as good. Don't force it.
I think you might find some answers to this in a big parenting ask about a month ago: https://tildes.net/~talk/rqy/if_youre_a_parent_what_is_it_like
I can copy/paste my answer as to why I had a child:
Well, they've got tiny hands, so they are good for precision work and labor laws allow me to have them work for me for free.
In all seriousness, I'm not interested in having children, but I have heard two very compelling arguments.
Number one is that it's a way to deal with feelings regarding one's own mortality. Some people feel that by having their children succeed them, it's a form of leaving a legacy. Your story continues through your children in the genetic circle of life. It ensures that after you die there is at least one person who remembers you. There's a bunch of rationalizations, but it's essentially a form of pseudo-immortality. And perhaps because of that I have noticed that many people aren't too incredibly willing to admit it, even if it's obvious to outside observers, but the older a person gets the more likely they are to admit it.
The other major reason is that it allows you to experience everything as if it were new again. People live vicariously through their children, sometimes (though not often) even at the child's expense. You don't even have to have your own kid to do this, though; if you watch a kid have ice cream for the first time, you're gonna feel something. That being said, if you want to have that for every experience, that's when you'll want to have kids.
There are also biological urges to have children - especially if you have a working uterus - and that plays a factor as well.
My immediate response is that it’s probably not a good idea to have children in order to mitigate our own psychological and existential issues. Is it fair for the children to come to the world as medicine for our egotistical needs?
We have lots of biological urges that must be managed by rational considerations. The fact that something is viewed as a biological predicament is not equivalent to an obligation to indulge in it. Why should that be the case when it comes to parenthood?
For the record, I'm not saying I agree with these or even think they are worth the negative reprocussions. I'm just saying they are compelling, and I can understand why these thoughts would compell someone to reproduce.
Duly noted my friend!
I’ve heard the immortality argument and it’s not great tbh. How many generations does one stay remembered unless you’re part of the 0.1% that got famous enough to be known for a few thousand years. What about in 10,000 years? Everyone will be forgotten, and technically entropy means all things end anyway, even your little chain of replicating dna.
I think it’s foolish to think you can become immortal through any means and I don’t really think it’s a good reason to convince yourself to have kids.
The experience part, makes sense. The real question is are those experiences and emotions worth giving up every aspect of your individual life for another person? Not even my SO gets to claim that much of me. So to me? Questionable cost/reward.
Hey I don’t get it either man. That isn’t to say I’m an idiot and don’t understand any of the positives about children but every great thing just seems like it’s great because...you have a kid. Kind of circular logic.
With the joy in parents’ voices when they talk about kids there’s also just this endless amount of fatigue you can see and hear too. It’s a lot of work, dedicating countless hours I could be using for other things and money I could be using for other things for a gain that is only really understood once you actually have them.
Frankly, I’d rather keep my ignorance but also my time and money. Can’t miss a feeling you’ve never had!
At a certain point in any relationship, you run out of things to say. Then, to break the silence, someone says "why don't we have a kid."
...and nine times out of ten, something gets rewired in your brain, and you don't mind all the shitty bits.
I’m not sure how serious you are, but “having a kid to make the relationship interesting again” doesn’t seem like a healthy motivation...
That was mostly facetious.
When I looked at older couples, on the whole, children seemed to bring happiness and joy.
That can certainly happen, but some children are born with difficult or terminal disease. They may also be the hellspawn of Antichrist (:P).
They are all the hellspawn of Antichrist, when they become teens, if not sooner. God save me from having a child who is a docile teenager. They need some motivation to leave the house.
As a Latino, that’s a sentiment I cannot relate to at all...
I feel attacked /s
More seriously, the part about all children/teens being bad eventually
(ACAB)seems like a false binary, even discounting the fear of being recorded or taken out of context or cancelled (conservative-reactionary for harassed as pointed out somewhat recently) or being posted into youngpeople[whatever].I'll also second @mrbig, mainly because of heat (I'm typing this at 32°C right now) and fear of crime. (example map)
I was definitely more trouble as a teenager than I was as a child. But I feel like myself and my brothers do not fit that mold.